The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Captain and the Lady/One If by Land/Centerfold - full transcript

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( funky upbeat theme playing )

What a great day. ( sighing )

Terrific.

Good morning, captain.



Good morning, captain.

For you maybe.
Will you get a haircut.

Yes, sir.

Is it my imagination,

or is Captain Stubing
in a rotten mood?

He's in a rotten mood.

But I think I know the reason.

Aubrey and Mrs. Skaugstad?

Yeah, he's one of the
directors of the ship's line.

They're sailing with us today.

Ooh. Remind me to make an
appointment with the barber.

Uh, make an appointment
with the barber.

Thank you. I almost forgot

to make an appointment
with the barber.

Here they come out
of the starting gate.

( indistinct chatter )

Good morning.

I can walk, dumbo.

( sighs )

We are Mr. and Mrs.
Aubrey Skaugstad.

Oh, Mr. Skaugstad,

we've been expecting you.

It's an honor. And
Mrs. Skaugstad,

how nice to meet you.

You're in Cabin 348.

That's on the Promenade
Deck. Cabin 348.

It's right here on my list.
Heh-heh. No problems here.

Well, Mrs. Skaugstad, sir,
I'm Yeoman-Purser Smith.

And if there's
anything that I can do

to make your voyage a
little bit more pleasurable,

please don't hesitate
to contact me.

I'm here to serve.

Lord, I love an obsequious runt.

We will see you in
our cabin in one hour.

And you can leave the
Shirley Temple routine outside.

Aubrey.

( upbeat theme playing )

This is going to be
such a fun voyage.

( scoffs )

JULIE: Good morning.
Welcome aboard.

Hello. Welcome aboard.

( upbeat theme playing )

Ginny! Ginny! How
can you do this to me?

Ginny! Ginny, come back here!

I love you! Don't
leave me, woman!

Come back here!

Excuse me. Ginny O'Brien.

Oh, okay.

Uh, yes, uh, O'Brien, A-114.

Welcome aboard, Miss O'Brien.

Don't let her stay on
the boat! She's got bugs!

( yelling indistinctly )

Hi.

Oh, hi.

I'm Lorraine Hoffman.

Well, I guess we're,
uh, cabinmates.

Hey, is anything wrong?

No.

Well, there was a
man after me. I...

Congratulations.

So does he have a friend?

Sir. Excuse me, sir.

Are you a passenger on the ship?

Uh, no, but I'm looking
for one: Ginny O'Brien.

Well, I'm sorry, sir.
No more visitors.

We're just about to sail.

Yeah, but I gotta see
her, just for a minute.

Hey, fella, I'd like to help
you out, but rules are rules.

( laughing ): Hey.

I'm sure a man of your stature

can do something... captain.

A little something to help
me in this predicament.

Captain?

Aye, aye.

Okay, but just for a minute.

Just for a minute. Right.

A-114.

A-114.

Thank you very much, skipper.

Aye, aye.

How is everything, captain?

Oh, fine, sailor. Shipshape.

Sir. Uh...

Well, sir, what happened
was, um, this man...

Well, it was just for
a minute, sir, and I...

Well, it's good public
relations, wouldn't you say?

No, I wouldn't.

Well, you're the captain.

Yes, I am.

See, I knew one of us was.

I just always get us mixed up.

Well, I'll return to my post.

Yes.

So did you just wanna
get away from it all?

Uh-huh.

I don't think I'm gonna
be a real fun cabinmate.

Oh, well, that's
okay, uh, just as long

as you're willing to take a
little stroll around the deck

in case I happen to be
entertaining a gentleman friend.

Oh, sure. No problem.

That's good. I'll do
the same for you.

Shazam!

Hey, uh, wait a second.

We were just getting
the rules straight. Ha, ha.

Ronald, I told you I didn't
wanna see you anymore.

I don't care. I
can't let you go.

You mean too much to me.

Not enough to get married.

Hey, now, what's this big thing
you got about getting married?

You know, we've been
happily living together

for the past two years.

Do you have to advertise it?

Oh, uh, heh-heh. That's
okay. Nobody's listening.

Who are you?

Lorraine Hoffman.

Lorraine is my cabinmate.

Oh, wow, now, look at this.

You're willing to share
your bedroom with her

and not be married. Why not me?

MAN ( over PA ): Last call.

All visitors ashore, please.

( chuckles )

Well, that's our cue.

The boat will be leaving
in a minute. Heh-heh.

It only takes a
minute to say "I do."

And it only takes a
second to say "I don't."

Goodbye, Ronald.

Aw, now, come on, Ginny.

People in love today
don't get married.

It spoils the relationship.

You see, the thing
today is freedom.

Didn't you see Roots?

Yes, but I wanna start
a family, not trace one.

Girl, it took us 300
years to get our freedom.

You want me to give mine up now?

Freedom? You're just afraid to
make a commitment, that's all.

Do you know what
your problem is?

You're immature
and irresponsible.

( laughs )

Immature and irresponsible.

Me, who owns his own
exterminating company,

and I am listed in
the Yellow Pages.

Goodbye, Ronald.

But I don't understand.

Then let me put in
words you will understand:

bug off!

You look very nice today.

I have to go up to
Mrs. Skaugstad's cabin.

Would you hold the fort for me?

I'd rather hold the fort
than face the Indians.

Oh, excuse me, please.

I-is there a newsstand onboard?

There's one in the gift
shop, but it's closed.

Ah, well, what
time does it open?

Nine in the morning. I...

I need a friend.

Can I help?

Would you mind?

My name is Sandy Rytell.

Julie McCoy. Hi.

Julie.

You see that man over there?

That's my fiancé,
Congressman Brockway.

A long time ago,
before I ever met him,

I... I posed for a
picture in a magazine.

Uh-huh. No, I-I mean,

I posed for a picture
in a magazine.

Oh.

Oh.

Just you and a bearskin rug.

Yes, but no rug, just...
Just the bare skin.

Uh, terrific.

All... All this time and
it's never surfaced,

until they found out I was
engaged to Brad, and...

And it's coming out now.

Yeah. And when it
hits the stand, he's...

You know, he's just gonna
go... Go through the roof.

I... I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I... I talked him into a cruise

to get him away from newsstands

and Kitten magazine.

Uh, Sandy, the newsstand
carries Kitten magazine.

That's what I was afraid of.

Well, I'll just be there
at 9:00 in the morning.

'Cause if I'm not,

I guess Miss June's gonna
be busting out all over.

Sandy?

Oh. Sweetheart.

Excuse me.

( upbeat theme playing )

( horn blows )

( all shouting goodbyes )

Whoo!

( blowing horn )

( knock at door )

Come in.

( door opens )

Yes, sir.

Good morning again, sir. Again.

What's good about it?

Well, it's nice to
hear your growl again.

Don't be so
saccharine, Miss McCoy.

It makes me feel that I'm
watching a Shirley Temple movie.

Now, what do you
want? Well, first I'd like

to figure out what everybody's
got against Shirley Temple.

Miss McCoy.

Well, sir, I don't
know if you're aware,

but one of the
directors of the line...

Aubrey Skaugstad.

Painfully aware.

Um, there's a slight problem.

Only slight?

That's a surprise.

Well, um... Um...

Miss McCoy, if you
say "um" one more time,

I'll have you keel.hauled.

Now, what is your problem?

Well, um...

Uh, I invited Mr. and
Mrs. Skaugstad

to have dinner with you
tonight at your table, and...

Don't tell me.

Mrs. Skaugstad said that
she would be delighted

to dine at the captain's
table if I eat someplace else.

Right.

I expected as much
from that woman.

Well, then, there's no problem.

♪ On the good ship lollipop... ♪

( mellow theme playing )

( indistinct chatter )

I guess Stubing decided

discretion was the
better part of valor.

If the director's wife says she
doesn't want you at her table,

then you eat alone in your room.

You didn't see the
look on his face.

He'll be here.

( soft piano music
playing in dining room )

I told you he'd show.

Maybe he didn't like
the company in his room.

Ladies, gentlemen, Stacy.

Merrill.

Mr. Skaugstad, it's a pleasure
to welcome you aboard.

I'm speaking for my entire crew.

I got your joke message.

I was serious.

Ha, ha. I am the captain.

This is the captain's table.

The captain sits at
the captain's table.

It's not a question
of title, bozo.

It's a question of
who has the muscle.

Aubrey has the muscle
and I'm with Aubrey.

I see.

I wish you wouldn't
call me bozo.

Lord, I hate a sweaty
forehead on a bald man.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's been a pleasure

but I have duties on the bridge.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening.

He didn't lose his temper.

He's handling it very well.

Yeah. It'll take a lot more
than this to rattle our captain.

( screams )

Good evening.

( upbeat theme playing )

( knock at door )

( knocking persists )

Ten o'clock.

Oh.

Uh, who is it?

Brad?

Oh, Brad, I can
explain everything.

There's... There's this,
uh... There's this girl.

She could be my
double. You just never...

I know, you overslept.

Well, you're lucky
you're a passenger.

On Captain Stubing's
crew when you oversleep,

you're overboard.

Got 'em for you.

Oh, Julie,

how can I ever
thank you? Forget it.

But, Sandy, if you
don't mind my asking,

how could you...?

Pose for a centerfold?

Well, it's a long story.

( sighs )

I was in law school,

and the tuition was
costing a fortune.

Thank you.

And I wanted to eat,
so I got a dark wig,

used a phony name
and just prayed

no one would ever find out.

Julie, I don't want
to lose Brad over this.

I mean, he's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

But he's gonna find out when
you get back to Los Angeles.

I mean, you're going to have
to deal with it sooner or later.

Better later than sooner.

Well, I better get back to work.

Well, thank you for
getting all the copies for me.

Well, I got all the
copies they had... left.

How many did they sell?

Three.

How am I gonna ever find 'em?

It's gonna be like looking
for a needle in a haystack.

Don't worry, I have a clue.

What?

All the buyers were men.

STACY: I have never seen an
operation run more inefficiently.

GOPHER: Well, now, I
wouldn't say inefficient.

What would you say? Well, I...

I'm not quite sure. Um, uh...

Maybe I could get
back to you next week.

Your passenger list is
an indecipherable mess.

Now, ma'am, uh, wait a minute.

I'm sorry about those
two typographical errors.

Really, is my face red. Boy.

Captain Stubing is constantly...

Don't interrupt. Your
safe was unlocked.

It was empty. Your
desk was littered.

That's paperwork.
And you need a haircut.

( sighs )

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, believe me, you can
never find enough baskets.

And Puerto
Vallarta has the best.

Not anymore. You've
got them all now.

What do you plan to
do with them, anyway?

Oh, the same thing I did
with the ones last year.

Put 'em in the attic.

GINNY: Can you make it?

LORRAINE: Ah, I think so.

Here, let me help you.

Oh, thanks.

( gasps )

You don't think I bought
too much jewelry, do you?

No.

Besides, if you
ever get tired of it,

you can melt it all down
and make yourself a car.

( both laugh )

Oh.

( lively percussive
theme playing )

Guess who's coming to dinner.

Buenas días, Mama.

I don't believe it.

What should I do?
How should I act?

Play it cool, now.
Just play it cool.

Ha-ha!

Ronald, don't tell me

you flew all the way down here.

Nope, I was just coming
to get my car washed.

You must really love me,
Ronald, to follow me this far, huh?

You bet I do.

But I know somebody
who doesn't love me.

Who?

Lady who lives in L.A.

waiting for me to
kill her termites.

Yeah, well, you know what
you're always say about termites.

Right.

Don't worry about
your termites, lady,

because when your
house falls, it'll kill them.

( laughs )

This is so romantic.

Just think of it,

one of these days I'll
be able to tell our children

that their daddy came
all the way to Mexico

and swept me off my feet.

Children?

Daddy?

( clears throat )

Check, please.

Ronald, do you mean to tell me

you didn't come
down here to propose?

Uh, I came down here
to propose that we, uh,

keep living together.

But I wanna wear a white
dress and walk down the aisle.

Well, you can wear a white
dress the next time we walk

down the aisle at
the supermarket.

No. Look, I'm tired of going
to parties and being introduced

as Ronald Baker and Ginny.

I'm tired of having both
our names on the mailbox,

and I'm especially tired of us
each having a charge account

at the grocer's.

Hey, that's no problem.

We'll just use your
charge account.

And the absolute worst
thing is even after two years,

when we go to
your parents' house

your mother still
gives me dirty looks.

That's just your imagination.

She doesn't even know
we're living together.

What?

You've never even told them?

Uh, I guess it just kind
of slipped my mind.

See? Even you're ashamed of it.

How would you feel if
your father and mother

were living together?

They are living together.

But they're married.

Ronald, you're hopeless.

MAN ( over PA ): Last call.

All visitors ashore, please.

Goodbye. You've
gotta get off the boat.

Well, you just missed
the boat yourself, Mama.

The USS Black Prince.

Leaving for ghettos and beyond.

We got a good cuisine too.

Chitlins, spareribs, pork chops.

You're gonna miss all that.
Candied yam, collard greens,

turnips, everything.

Yammy mammies too.

( upbeat theme playing )

These should help.

Just munch on a couple

when you feel that
burning in your stomach.

It must be rewarding to see
me reduced to a quivering hulk.

No, not at all, sir.
Oh, please. I know.

The crew is enjoying this.

Seeing me rolling
over and playing dead.

Groveling, acting
like a whipped cur.

Mrs. Skaugstad's
really getting to you.

You had to bring her up?

She'd like to see
me buried at sea.

Oh, come now,
captain. Mrs. Skaugstad?

Why would she want to do
that? She's a perfect stranger.

She's not perfect,
and she is no stranger.

I was married to that
woman for 17 years.

You and she...?

Boggles the mind, doesn't it?

In the beginning...

In the beginning, we were two
young people incredibly in love.

She was beautiful,
sweet, loving.

I was handsome, kind, adoring.

Then, like many other men,

I took a mistress.

Ahhh.

Immense, mysterious,
overpowering.

I've always liked
the big ones too.

I'm talking about the sea.

Oh.

Stacy wanted me to
become a captain of industry.

Instead I became
a captain of ships,

and Stacy became a bitter woman.

There just wasn't
enough room in my life

for both her and the sea.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Oh, it's all right.

You know, I think she would
have put up with everything else

if she hadn't hated
her name so much.

Stacy?

Stubing.

Stacy Stubing?

( soft theme playing )

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm so... Oh!

I'm sorry.

Hey, you took the best part.

We'll be docking soon.

You'll love Cabo San Lucas.

Oh, I'm not going ashore.

I know my coffee's great, but it
ain't worth hanging around for.

Well, I don't know.

Hi. Well, what do you think?

Nice. But what happened
to your Mexican look?

( posh accent ): Darling, Cabo
is not the place to go native.

It's crawling with billionaires
and beautiful people.

Oh, you'll knock
'em dead, Lorraine.

Ah, we'll knock 'em dead.

We are gonna
paint this town roja.

Oh, you paint it alone.

I'm gonna wait
around here for a while.

What are you gonna wait for?

Oh.

You've got a thing
for one of the crew.

No, I'm gonna wait for Ronald.

By the time he drives
all the way down here

he'll be so exhausted, I'll be
able to talk him into anything.

You really think he's
gonna keep chasing you

after you kicked him
out on his cucaracha?

Sure.

He doesn't give up that easily.

Ronald may not realize it yet,

but deep down inside,
he wants to get married

just as much as I do.

Ah, but are you sure you do?

Of course I am.

Why?

Lots of reasons.

Well, let's hear 'em.

Companionship. Get a dog.

Security.

Make it a German shepherd.

I'd like kids.

I'll give you one of mine.

But you have to give them back.

I take it your marriage
didn't work out.

Oh, it did.

I worked, he went out.

It's not gonna be
that way with Ronald.

Once I get that ring on
his finger, it's forever.

He'll never take it off.

Play it safe, honey.

Have it made a couple
of sizes too small.

( upbeat theme playing )

Uh, excuse me, could
I have a light, please?

Sure.

Thank you.

Sandy, I'm so glad
I finally found you...

Oh, it's just a small
fire. Self-defense...

Huh? ( man yells )

( snickers ) I only
gotta find one more.

Well, you can stop
looking. Doc's got it.

The... The ship's doctor?

Yeah, that's why
they call him Doc.

I think I've got a cold.

May I help you?

I got a terrible cold.

Did you run out of Kleenex?

( chuckles ) ( laughs )

Uh... Come in, please.

Wanna hop up on the table?

( coughs )

Boy, that's a nasty cough.

Well, let's have a look at you.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Funny, you don't seem
to have a temperature.

But you're kind of flushed.

I don't think you
have a cold at all.

But you are suffering
from acute embarrassment,

possibly caused by,
um, overexposure.

You knew all along?

I never forget a face.

What's wrong? Are
you ashamed of that?

I am mortified.

Look, I'm a doctor.

I see an awful lot of bodies.

Once I had a guy so fat, I
needed two examination tables.

( both chuckle )

As far as I'm concerned,

you really have nothing
to be ashamed of.

Well, thank you.

But it's not what you
think that concerns me.

It's what my
fiancé's gonna think.

You're trying to hide
this from the man

who's gonna be your husband?

Now, look, it's none
of my business,

but if you're gonna
marry the guy,

you'd better start
being honest with him.

I know, that's what Julie said.

I've got so much to lose.

You're gonna have
a lot more to lose

if you don't level with him now.

( quiet upbeat theme playing )

You're right.

Thank you, doctor.

Uh, I'm sorry I
ruined your magazine.

Oh, I never look
at the centerfolds.

I just buy them
for the articles.

MAN ( over PA ): The Pacific
Princess will be leaving Cabo San Lucas

in 30 minutes.

Hi. I'm back.

Well, how was Cabo San Lucas?

Oh, what a day.

Are you ready for this?

I had four Tom Collins,
three Jack Daniels

and a Paco Martinez.

What's a Paco Martinez?

He's a beach boy at the hotel.

Ooh, and a great dancer.

So how was your day?

He didn't show up.

Aw. I guess I didn't know him

as well as I thought
I did, Lorraine.

We never do.

Well, someone's in a big hurry.

Look at that boat.

Oh, well, Paco said
he'd follow me anywhere,

but I just thought he
was putting me on.

( both laugh )

RONALD: Now hear
this, Ginny O'Brien!

It is me!

Ronald!

It's Ronald!

Ronald!

Get off the boat, woman.

I love you.

I love you too!

I miss you!

I miss you too!

Then get off the boat, woman.

Will you marry me?

I cannot hear you.

Goodbye, Ronald.

Hey, now, wait a minute, Ginny.

You'll never find
another man like me.

I wouldn't look for
another man like you.

Look here, Ginny,

no man could ever love
you or take care of you

the way that I will.

What more could
you possibly want?

I want your name!

Okay, then, I'll
call you Ronald.

Adiós, muchacho.

( upbeat dramatic
theme playing )

This is sure the biggest
creek I've ever been up.

I pledge to wage an unflinching
battle against the poor.

( quietly ): No, poverty.

Against poverty. A...
An unflinching battle

against poverty,
and I also feel that...

( knock at door )

Hiya, sweetheart. Hi.

D-don't say anything.

I... I got something
to tell you.

No, I got something to show you.

This is me.

Nice wig.

Now, I posed for this long
before we were engaged.

Long before I ever knew you.

If you never wanna see
me again, I don't blame you.

Oh, honey, I wanna
see you again.

And again.

( romantic theme playing )

I'm gonna be married to a woman
other men can only dream about.

And I don't care if
your picture's plastered

on the side of the
Empire State Building,

I love you.

But what about your campaign?
Isn't this gonna cost you votes?

Sandy, I look at it this way:

a guy named Carter
confessed his lust in Playboy,

and he got to be president.

I figure with this, they
could vote me king.

All right, come here. All right.

( both laugh )

Yeah.

( funky dance music playing )

( funky dance music continues )

LORRAINE: Hello.

Oh, I don't think I can go
through with this, Lorraine.

Oh, just have a drink.
It'll calm you down.

Oh, I'm not much of a drinker.

Oh, just a little
sip of something.

It'll take the edge off.

We'll have two straight
double bourbons.

Uh, listen, no sense your
walking back and forth.

Bring the bottle.

Well, we might
want a second one.

Look, I'm not even
sure I want the first one.

( sighs )

Trust me, okay?

Now, enough small talk.

Let's meet some men.

Oh, I don't think
I remember how.

The first step is
dangling the bait

so he'll throw
his line your way.

Oh, I know I don't
know how to dangle.

It comes with the package.

You've got your eyes,
you've got your mouth,

you've got my pushup bra.

Just follow me.

Okay.

( mambo music playing )

( all laughing )

( all applaud )

♪ Da-da-da-da-da, da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da, da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da, da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da, da ♪

( lonely theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

STACY: I want to see
your recreation supply list,

your master
entertainment schedule,

your musicians' payments
and your convention procedures.

Gladly, Mrs. Skaugstad.

Captain Stubing
is very particular

about administrative details.

You... like Captain Stubing?

Oh, yes. He's a
marvelous person.

You've been drinking on duty.

That Mr. Skaugstad
is something else.

He never says a word.

With her for a wife, he
never gets the chance.

I wonder where she is now.

The engine room. Checking
the gaskets and shims.

GOPHER: She just got
through in the laundry.

( imitating Stacy ): Lord, I
hate ring around the collar.

How come the captain's
letting this happen?

We've gotta do something.

How about we hire a hit man?

He can't do anything.

Why not? Because.

Great answer. You
must be a college grad.

I really shouldn't
be telling this, but...

Mrs. Skaugstad is
Captain Stubing's ex-wife.

Oh, no. Are you serious?

JULIE: Well, that
explains everything.

I can't imagine the
two of them together.

Beauty and the beast.

Beast and the
beast is more like it.

Okay, now, but Captain
Stubing is our beast.

There's only one thing to do.

Right. The hit man.

BRICKER: No.

I'll have to stand up to her.

I know how to handle
this type of woman.

I wasn't married
four times for nothing.

I mean, you can not
allow a woman of this kind

to push you around.

What is going on in here?

Mrs. Skaugstad, welcome.

How nice to see you again.

My, what a lovely
outfit you have on.

Stuff a sock in it, buster.

Show me your
supply requisitions.

Yes, Mrs. Skaugstad.

Right away, Mrs. Skaugstad.

( clears throat )

Uh! Is this a medical facility
or a convention center?

Well, we were
just on our way out.

( all chatter indistinctly )

Lord, I love
nervous perspiration.

Yours too.

LORRAINE: Ginny.

Hm.

Ginny, we're leaving Ensenada

and you didn't even see it.

Do these eyes look like they
wanted to see Ensenada?

Yuck. They don't even look
like they wanna be in your head.

Lorraine, what was I
doing with a life preserver

in my bed this morning?

Well, see,

after you made the band
play Nearer, My God, to Thee,

you started mumbling
something about an iceberg,

and women and children first.

I didn't do that.

Oh, yes, you did.

Well, I do remember one thing.

At some point last night I
decided I was having fun.

Well, good for you.

Well, we're gonna leave
Ensenada and Ronald didn't show.

I guess he finally gave up, huh?

( wacky theme playing )

Hey, gimme a break, brother!

You know, I could help
you with the driving, man.

Don't be like that!

( upbeat theme playing )

And for dessert,
ladies and gentlemen,

I think you might be amused
by our flaming cherries jubilee.

Oh.

( in French )

Burning cherries is
a bundle of laughs.

She just keeps pushing
him and pushing him.

It's like the guys
at the bullfights,

the one that stick the spears
in the bull before they kill it.

What do they call those guys?

I think the technical
term is "bull stickers."

Well, I'm not gonna
watch any more.

I don't wanna be
around for the kill.

Me neither.

I couldn't stand
to see her awarded

his ears and his tail.

I'm going to keep the
pressure on, Merrill.

You do know that.

Really?

I hadn't noticed any pressure.

How come you're
not defending yourself,

or do you always leave
that up to your crew?

My crew?

Mm.

For some bizarre reason,
they seem to admire you.

( scoffing ): Although
I can't imagine why.

Ladies and gentlemen,
uh, please excuse me,

but I have to pass up dessert.

The responsibilities
of my position

require my immediate attention.

GOPHER: If
everything is so perfect,

why are we so miserable?

DOC: We're all suffering

from acute Skaugstad.

Hi. Hi.

You too?

Mrs. Skaugstad caught me when I

accidentally put a
cherry into a martini.

I suggested that
she try my new drink.

GOPHER: And?

She suggested
that I try a new job.

Yeah, we think
we've got problems.

Let's just be thankful we're
not in Captain Stubing's shoes.

DOC: This is the longest
cruise I've ever been on.

GOPHER: And we're
not gonna get any time off

for good behavior.

Ha! Time off?

I'm working double shifts
to keep that lady happy.

Hey, I'm spending so much
time trying to please her

that I'm letting the
other passengers down.

DOC: She has the uncanny ability

to make you feel you don't
know what you're doing.

I am a good doctor. Aren't I?

I'd come to you for aspirin.

You're a great doctor.

I just got the answer.

What?

We make Mrs.
Skaugstad the captain.

Then she can hire
the crew she wants.

( heroic theme playing )

Well, as I see it, we
got a couple of choices.

We can get a drink and
go sit out on the deck...

Or? We can get two drinks.

Right. Good plan.

STACY: Forget
something, Merrill?

Yes. Something I've been
meaning to do for a week.

You come too.

( fake laughs )

( heroic theme continues )

STACY: What do
you think you're doing?

STUBING: Quiet.

STACY: Who do you think you are?

The captain.

I haven't been acting like it,

but I am the
captain of this ship,

and I am going to
give you an order.

( laughs )

A what?

An order.

Go to your room.

You're going down the
chute for that, Merrill.

Fine, fine.

Now, look, I allowed you
to make my life miserable,

but I will not allow you
to disrupt this cruise

for the passengers,
who, I should point out,

paid to be on this ship.

Who do you think
you're talking...?

I am not finished.

And last, but by no means least,

you will not treat my crew like
a bunch of incompetent boobs.

I have the best crew afloat.

You cannot talk to me like this.

Stacy, shut up.

And go to your room.

( huffs )

Aubrey.

Mr. Skaugstad, no matter
what you say, I will not apologize.

So whatever you have to
say to me, sir, say it now.

( clears throat )

Go to your room.

( quiet triumphant
theme playing )

You're a great captain.

( triumphant theme swells )

( sneezes )

( light-hearted theme playing )

Don't you people
have anything to do?

Mr. Smith. Sir?

Gopher, get a haircut.

( all chuckle )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, wow.

I hate to say this, but
I guess it's goodbye.

Oh, it's not goodbye.

It's just, um, hasta la vista.

We'll see each other again.

I hope so. You
know, without you,

this cruise would
have been a disaster.

Oh, at first I thought you
wouldn't approve of me.

Well, you know,
the way I carry on.

But I say live, taste life,

and don't let anybody
tell you what to do.

You're one of a kind.

Ain't I just.

( both laugh )

Mommy, Mommy!

Oh, my babies.

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

How are you? Ohhhh!

Here, you take these
for Mommy, okay?

Ah, we did it.

Yes, we got through this cruise.

Boy, talk about
survivors of the Titanic.

We actually lived
through Hurricane Stacy.

Mm. Ha.

Julie. Julie, thank
you for everything.

We had a wonderful time.

Well, you certainly captured
the floating vote, congressman.

( laughs )

I see my prescription worked.

Yes. Next picture you see me in

is gonna be a wedding picture.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Thank you.

Excuse me, miss, you need
some help with your bags?

Oh, no, thank you.
I... Ronald. Oh...!

( both laughing )

Whee! I almost thought
I forgot how to do that.

Take my word, you didn't forget.

One more time.

For you, my lovely young lady.

Oh, Ronald, they're beautiful.

Thank you.

Yeah, if you put
'em in some water,

maybe you can use 'em as
part of your bridal bouquet.

What? That's right.

Maybe I've been out
here in the sun too long,

but Ginny O'Brien, I am
ready to give marriage a try.

Well, Ronald... Now,
you just name the place

and time you wanna
become Mrs. Ronald Baker.

Well, I have... Now,
I cannot guarantee

you the moon, but
I can guarantee you

a lifetime warranty
against bugs.

Oh, listen, Ronald, I've been
doing a lot of thinking too,

and I think your way is best.

Why don't we just keep
living together, okay?

You mean that?

Absolutely.

Oh, wow! Wow! Thank
you, big fella. Thank...

What...? What made
you change your mind?

Well, I guess it was the
last two nights on the cruise.

( clears throat )

The last two nights
on the cruise?

What happened the last
two nights on the cruise?

Oh, nothing, really.

A girl changes her whole
line of thinking and she says,

"Oh, nothing, really"?

Oh, look, it was just, I
found out you were right.

I mean, about freedom.

I found out I like
having my freedom.

And, uh, what kind of
freedom you, uh, talking about?

The same kind of
freedom you talking about.

That kind of freedom?

No-ho-ho-ho-ho way.

Oh, look, maybe it's just
the freedom to not feel guilty

about enjoying a little
freedom, you know?

But I wanna get married!

Oh, Ronald.

Well, look, let's go
home and discuss it.

"Oh, nothing, really."

I don't believe this.

We were cooking. I been
chasing you on boats, planes.

Here I am in my truck, you
know, I'll kill for less than this,

and now you gone crazy,
telling me you want your freedom.

Even the bugs that I kill
don't have their freedom.

Get in the truck there, Mama.

I should sit you right
up there with my man...

( upbeat theme playing )

May I have a word
with your wife?

What do you want?

Please.

Merrill, what do you want?

I want to apologize for
being so harsh to you.

Oh?

Yes, for what happened
on the deck two nights ago,

and for what happened
to our life ten years ago.

Come again?

You're a wonderful woman, Stacy.

You deserved a much
better husband than I was.

I tried, but I wanted
to command ships

more than I wanted
to make you happy.

( poignant theme playing )

And that's it.

Well, life with me couldn't
have been much of a picnic.

No, no, it was my fault.

All you got was a husband at
sea and a name that you hated.

( chuckles )

I'm sorry.

Captain, I couldn't
find one important thing

wrong with your ship.

You are a hell of a commander.

Why, thank you.

I hope that you're
happy with, um...

Aubrey.

Aubrey.

He's a nice man.

He doesn't have your... panache.

( laughs )

But he does stay home.

There is one awful thing.

What's that?

You know how I hated
the name Stacy Stubing?

Oh-ho-ho-ho. Hm.

Well, I can't even
pronounce Stacy Skaugskag.

Skacy Skaugsgag.

Stacy Skaugstad.

Lord, I love a
silver-tongued man.

( chuckles )

Goodbye, Merrill.

Goodbye, Stacy.

( triumphant theme playing )

MAN ( over PA ):
Captain Stubing.

Captain Stubing, please
come to the bridge.

( triumphant theme swells )

( upbeat theme playing )