The Loud House (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - Pasture Bedtime/Shop Girl - full transcript

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪



- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- 33, 89, 52...

Hike!

Loud looks
for a receiver,

but no one's open!

And there she goes!
The quarterback sneak!

- Get her!

[crash]
- [screams]



Oof.
[thud]

[all gasp]

[dramatic musical tone]

- Lynn, are you okay?

- Yes!
That's still a TD, people!

- Yeah, she's fine.

- Oh, what the heck
did you do, LJ?

- Sorry, Dad.
Sorry, Mom.

I've been getting
pretty ripped lately.

- I don't think
that's why the wall broke.

Look!

- Dang it!
Termites.

We're going to have
to call an exterminator.

- What?
You can't!

Look how cute
these little guys are.

[tranquil music]

- [screams]

- [sighs]
Lana, shoe?

Sorry, honey,

but we can't let the termites

eat our whole house.

- Dah!
Termites!

- They're just a few
little bugs.

How much damage
can they really do?

It's not fair!

[uneasy music]

- Okay, we obviously
can't stay here,

so we called around to see

if anyone could take
all 13 of us.

Once we'd had enough
of the laughter,

your mother came up
with a new plan.

- Half of us will be staying
with Pop Pop

at Sunset Canyon...

all: Ooh!

- And half of us
will be staying with Aunt Ruth.

[all groan]

- Dibs on Pop Pop's!
all: Dibs!

[all squabbling]

- Kids, no one's calling dibs.

- Mom, I can't go
to Aunt Ruth.

Last time,
I literally got botulism

from expired yogurt.

- Yeah, I'm out, too.

Her water contains
unsafe levels of chromium-6.

- I also must decline.
Her cats hate me,

even the black ones.

- Come on, guys, let's have

a good attitude about this.

Aunt Ruth is doing us
a huge favor,

and she's family.

- You know what?
We'll draw names from a hat.

That's the only fair way.

- Okay, then,
it's settled.

Lily, Leni, Luan, Lucy,
Lana, and Lisa

will be staying with Pop Pop.

[cheering]

And Lincoln, Lori, Lola,
Lynn, and Luna

will be staying
at Aunt Ruth's.

[all groaning]

[insects chittering]

- Guys, don't be like that.

You can make the best
of any situation.

- Honey, you didn't draw
a name yet.

- [laughs nervously]

[suspenseful music]

- No!
Aunt Ruth?

Dang it!
This is so unfair!

[jazz riff]

- Those other guys might be
stuck at Aunt Ruth's,

but Lincoln Loud
doesn't roll that way.

There's one member
of Team Pop Pop

who might be willing
to switch with me.

I just gotta spin it
the right way.

Hey, Lans, you got a sec?

- [sighs]
It's just you.

I thought you were Mom.
Don't tell her,

but I'm throwing the termites
one last party.

I think they deserve that.

Now, Chewy, share that cookie
with Chompy.

- Hey, I was thinking,

maybe you'd like
to switch teams with me

so you can go
to Aunt Ruth's.

- [scoffs]
Why would I want to do that?

- Eh, maybe it was
a bad idea.

I just thought you might enjoy
scooping all that cat litter

and eating
all that expired food.

Plus, I heard she's got

some fresh boils
that need popping,

but yeah,
probably not your thing.

- Wait!
How many boils?

[jazz riff]

[easygoing music]

- [strains]

Pool party, here I come.

- Lincoln, will you
help me pack?

My nails are wet.[gasps]

Why are you
in your swimming trunks?

[dramatic musical tone]

And bringing pool floats?

Aunt Ruth doesn't havea pool!

and that's where I'm staying.

- Excuse me?

- I switched spots
with Lana.

It's not a big deal.

You don't have to...
- You guys!

Lincoln got out of going
to Aunt Ruth's!

- Tell everyone.

- What?
- How?

- He made a deal with Lana.

- Ooh, you little sneak!

- [sighs]

Hey, you guys could've done

the same thing..

All you have to do

is convince someone
to swap with you.

[scheming music]
all: Hm...

- So, if you switch with me,

I'll literally give you
everything you want

from my side
of the closet.

- Really?

Even your acid-washed
Bermuda shorts?

- [teeth gritted] Those were
a gift from Bobby,

but sure.

- Lisa, if you switch
with me,

I'll give you all my desserts
for a month.

- Mm, tempting,
but I prefer cash.

Just lost out
on some grant money.

- Understood.

[bright '50s-esque music]

- Okay, but only if you promise

to be a cadaver
for my practice funerals.

- Open casket?

- Deal.

- So if I switch with you,

you'll let me saw you in half
for my magic show?

- Think about it, honey.

I'm offering 100
Lily diaper changes

including... [exhales deeply]
blowouts.

- Huh.
Tell you what:

Throw in potty training
and teaching her to drive,

and you've got yourself
a deal.

♪ ♪

You guys want to come in
and see Aunt Ruth

before you take off?

[cheering]
- We so win!

- Okay, I'll tell her
you said hi.

- Aha!
There's my family!

- No time for small talk,
Pop Pop!

I gotta hit the pool.
Jackknife!

- Oh, sorry, kiddo.

Pool's closed.

Seymour's noodle
jammed up the filter.

- Uh, no problem.
We'll just play shuffleboard.

- Whoa.
Can't do that, either.

They shut down the courts.
Some... geese

attacked Miss Ratley,

and now it's a crime scene.

- Don't tell me
the pudding machine's out, too!

- Nope.
That's working.

And we just got a new flavor:
butterscotch.

- Out of my way!

- You saw nothing.

[laughs maniacally]

[foreboding music]

- [growls]

[grunts, yells]

- Easy there, slugger.

If you're hungry,
we could eat dinner.

They start serving at 3:00.

[jazz riff]

- Ugh, what's
this purple stuff?

- I think it's beets.
Or steak.

The fun part's guessing.

- [coughs, sputters]

- Ugh, look.
I'm literally done.

- Al, is there salt somewhere?

Just need to add
a little zest.

- Oh, we haven't had salt

since the high blood pressure
epidemic of 2013.

- Ah, no worries.
A chef is always prepared.

[dramatic musical tone]
- No salt on the premises!

- Here we are.

Bernie said you could stay
in his room

while he's visiting
his lady friend in Boca.

- Sweet.
Okay, what should we do next?

Play a game?
Watch a movie?

- I love that spunk, kiddo,

but it's almost lights out.

- But it's only 6:00.

- That late?

No wonder I'm bushed.

- Can I at least get
a glass of milk?

- Sorry, honey.
No liquids allowed before bed.

Nighty-night!

[jazz riff]

- Dudes, what's up
with the temp in here?

- Let me check the AC.

[electrical sparking noise]
Great.

The ding-dang thing's busted.

[all groan, cry]

Well, at least we're not
at Aunt Ruth's.

Speaking of which,
maybe we should check in

with the rest of the family.

- Oh, yes!

Hearing how miserable they are
will make me feel better.

[phone rings]

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, sweetie!

So, how are things going
over there?

- OM gosh.
So great.

We're all loving
the lake house!

- Uh, the what house now?

- Yeah, Aunt Ruth
didn't want us

to stay at her place.

We stress out her cats.

- Since when does Aunt Ruth
have a lake house?

- She just got a time-share.

It's a four-bed, two-bath,

with tons of natural light,

private dock,
and central AC.

- [teeth gritted] That is so...
[laughs]

Great.
[imitates static]

[imitates telephone ringing]

Ah, there's a fax coming in.
Gotta go.

Are you joking me right now?

- They get a lake house,
and we're stuck

in this sweat box
with no pudding?

- [sighs]
Let's just go to bed, you guys.

At least we know
things can't get any worse.

[flatulence]

[all groan]

- Sorry.
It was definitely

the beet-steak.

- Those guys might be
stuck here,

but as I stated earlier,

Lincoln Loud does not roll
that way.

[gags]
That is ripe.

Hey, Lis.
You wouldn't believe it.

There's a 118-year-old man
here.

- [gasps]

A supercentenarian?

I've always wanted
to study one of those.

- Oh, really?
Well, I guess

I could swap
places with you.

- Throw in a pint
of your plasma,

and we might be talking.

- You're going
to the lake house?

No fair!

- Hey, instead of getting mad
at me,

why don't you guys do something

to better your own situations?

- Oh, like giving you
a mega-wedgie?

- Easy, LJ.
Lincoln may have a point.

- I am telling you, Leni,

Seymour's grandson
is a total hunk.

- Yeah, Lans, the pool guy said
he's never seen

a plumbing crisis
like this before.

- Luce, you know that psychic
you used to watch on TV?

She's a resident here!

- Luan, check it out!

The TV in the rec room'sbusted,

and the oldies are jonesing
for some laughs.

- You know, Rita,
there's so many

great life stories here.

It could be a real gold mine

for a writer as talentedas you.

- I'll switch,

if you throw in
your hair crimper.

- Okay, but I also want

five rides to the dump.

No blackout dates.

- My bats get your side
of the closet.

- If you agree to de-tangle
all my clown wigs.

- Okay, but you have to go

to the next 20
parent-teacher conferences,

Lola's included.

all: Deal!

- Ah, this place
is literally paradise!

- Heck, yeah!

I say we celebrate

with some Loud family football!

Watch out!

Looks like star QB Lynn Loud

is going for the TD!

[crash]
Ah!

[splashing]
Oof!

- LJ, you okay?

- [sputtering]
That's still a TD.

- Yeah, she's fine.

- But the wall isn't.Look.

- [gasps]
Termites?

This house has them, too?

- I think these are
the same ones.

I recognize this disco ball.

Lana must have
brought them here

to save them
from being fumigated.

- Where are we supposed
to go now?

[cat yowls]

- This majorly bites.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Well, Aunt Ruth's
isn't the greatest,

but I'm sure the others
aren't having much fun

at Sunset Canyon.

- [gasps]
Let's call them.

It'll cheer me up
to know they're suffering, too.

[cell phone rings]
- Hm?

Hey, Dad!
- Hey, sweetie.

How are you guys doing
over there?

Surviving the heat?

- Actually, the boat
is pretty cool.

- I'm s--the what, now?

- Oh, yeah.
They couldn't fix the AC

at Sunset Canyon,

so they rented out
a cruise ship

for all the residents.

[bright music]
- Oh, goody!

The limbo contest is starting!

- Oh!
[all kvetch]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Good morning, class!

I have some exciting news.

This week's unit
will be woodworking.

It's an important life skill,

and I know you won't be...
"board".

[laughs]

Really?
Nobody?

- Woodworking?
Clyde, I'm hosed!

- Hang on, I need to pity laugh
for Mrs. Johnson.

[forced laughter]

Good one, Mrs. J.

I "saw" what you did there.

[laughs]

Okay, now why are you hosed?

- Woodworking's just not
my thing.

Every time I try
to build something,

I get jelly legs,
my vision goes blurry,

my hands get sweaty
and my ears start ringing...

- Ah, like me
blowing up balloons.

[weakly] Tell my story...

- Exactly.

[jazz riff]

[breathes deeply]

Okay, step one.

Oh, boy.
Here comes the blurry vision.

[groans]

- Lincoln!
Are you okay? Oh!

Oh, are you
playing dead with Lucy?

- No
I have to build

a step stool for class.

- Oh, honey.
I know how you are

about woodworking.

But this looks pretty easy,

and I can help you!

- Really?
Thanks, Mom.

So here are my materials...

- Lincoln, we are not building
with pine.

Let's go get some hardwood.

- There's different kinds
of wood?

[jazz riff]

- "Shoulda Coulda Wooda"?

I don't get it.

Oh, now I get it.

[jazz riff]

I thought we were
just getting wood.

- Well, I found a few things
I needed for other projects.

- Oh, look!
They have step stools.

Why don't we just buy one?

They're only $12.99.

- Lincoln, we are doing this
the right way.

It's gonna be fun!

Oh, stain.

- Ah!
[strains]

[jazz riff]

- Okay...

Let's see if we can
crack this together.

"Attach the bottom step
to the side rail

using a flathead screwdriver."

- Here we go.

- That's
a Phillips head screwdriver.

This is a flathead.

- There's more than one type
of screwdriver?

Okay, cool.
I got this.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Honey...

[laughs]
That's a screw, not a nail.

- Ugh, well, how was I supposed
to know that?

- Okay, don't get frustrated.

Why don't we just forget
about the screws

and just try wood glue instead,
okay?

Great.
Here, open this,

and put on a nice, fine bead
of glue

along the seam.

[squelching]

- Gah!
See?

I told you
I'm no good at this.

- [sighs]
Okay.

[laughs]
Lincoln, I'll tell you what.

Why don't I build it,
and you can just...

watch how I do it?

- Oh, that sounds great.
Let's do that.

- That way, if you ever have
to do

something like this again,

you can handle it yourself.

- Oh, totally.

[jazz riff]

- Mm, good effort.

Nice work.

Uh... [laughs]
At least

you didn't hurt yourself.

[gasps]
Lincoln!

This is amazing!

Way to step it up!

- [laughs]

Too funny, Mrs. J.

Hey, way to overcome
your fear, Lincoln.

Makes me want to go
blow up a balloon.

- Well... actually,
my mom built that for me.

- Okay, class, we're going
to move on

to our next woodworking
project.

- We're doing another one?

- Birdhouses.

Now, they're
a little more challenging,

but since you've all completed
the step stool,

I think you can do it.

[bell rings]

- Oh, boy.
Here come the jelly legs.

Uh...

[jazz riff]

- Hey, Mom.
I stopped by Flip's

and got you
a blue raspberry Flippee.

- Oh, that's so sweet, honey.
What for?

- Just a little thank-you
for helping me out

with the step stool.

- It was my pleasure.

- I'm glad to hear you
say that,

because I've got
this other little project

I thought
we could tackle together:

building a birdhouse.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

- Well, sweetie, you don't need
my help, remember?

I already showed you

how to do
these projects yourself.

- Oh, totally, but for me,

it's not just about doing
the project.

It's about
the mother-son bonding.

It's about... this.

- Lincoln, I know
what you're up to.

What kind of parent would I be

if I did all your projectsfor you?

- A really nice one?
Dang it.

- You have your wood.

You have your plans.

I know you can do this.

- Ugh.

[high-pitched ringing]

Here comes the ear-ringing.

Ah!
Ah!

Ugh.
I just can't do this.

Hm...
Maybe I don't have to.

[mischievous music]

♪ ♪

Hey, Walt.
I just need to borrow

your house for a little while.

- [angry squawking]
- Ah!

Don't get your feathers
in a bunch.

I'll bring it back.

Ah!
Oh, whoa!

I promise!

[dramatic musical tone]

[jazz riff]

[triumphant fanfare]
- [gasps] Wonderful, Lincoln.

This is incredible!

Oh, is that actual bird poop?

- Oh, uh, I wanted to give it

that lived-in look.

Oh, Lincoln?

How'd you like to earn
some extra credit?

- Sure.
Never say no to that.

- Great.
I need a dresser built ASAP.

My mother's coming to visit
this weekend,

and she always complains

there's no place
to put her girdles.

Since you're such
an expert woodworker,

you could build one
in no time!

- Oh, uh,

I'd love to,
but I have so much homework.

- You're excused
from homework.

- Well, I have to eat
right after school,

or my blood sugar
gets low.

- I'll feed you.
- I have to walk our dog?

- I'll send my dog-walker over.

- Um...
Um...

- So we have a deal.
Thanks so much!

- Uh...

[jazz riff]

- Here are the plans
for the dresser,

and here are all
your materials.

If you need anything,
just holler!

- Yeah, no.

[radio static]
Clyde!

Come in!Clyde!

- Hey, Lincoln.
What's up?

- I have a code Forest Green.

I'm at Mrs. Johnson's house,

and I have to build a dresserASAP.

- You know, Lincoln,
I hate to be that guy,

but maybe you should've built
the step stool

in the first place.

Then Mrs. Johnson could've seen
that you're no expert,

and she would've
never asked you

to build a dresser.
- Oh, my gosh, Clyde.

You're right!
Shoulda, Coulda, Wooda.

- Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean
to make you feel bad.

- No, Clyde, the store.

We can just go there right now

and buy a dresser!

- Ah.

- This is gonna cost me

my last few months
of allowance,

but it's gotta be done.

["Ride of the Valkyries"
playing]

Uh-oh.

[dramatic music]

Uh-oh.
Go, go, go!

both: Ah!
Ah!

[thud]
I really gotta remember

to bring his birdhouse home
from school.

[upbeat string music]

♪ ♪

[both straining]

♪ ♪

both: Ah!
Ah!

Ah!

Ah!
Oof!

- Oh, we're here.

- Now for the hard part.

How are we going
to get it upstairs?

[stealthy music]

- Got it.

[both straining]

[knocking]
- Lincoln?

I made you a snack.

Don't want that blood sugarto drop.

- I'm good!
- Lincoln, you're being rude.

She cooked for you.

- Fine.
Hold this.

- Ah!

- Lincoln, I--
- Oh, hi!

Thanks for the sandwich.
- How's the dresser coming?

- Uh, uh--it's bad luck
to see it before it's finished.

That was a good call, Clyde.

This sandwich is delicious!

I think there's smoked turkeyin here.

- Lincoln!
- Oh, right--sorry!

[both straining]

We're almost there.

["Ride of the Valkyries"
playing]

[dramatic music]

[both straining]

Hurry!

Ah!

[crash]

- [blows raspberry]

- [gasps]Oh, my!

- Clyde, get out of here!
Save yourself.

- No way!
I can help!

I know.
We'll tell her

you built the dresser,

and I was so jealous
how great it was

that I pushed it
out the window!

- Clyde, you're a good friend,

but I don't want you
to lie for me.

In fact, I'm done lying,
period.

[slow jazz music]

- So your mom
built the step stool,

and the birdhouse belongs
to your pet?

- Yes.
I'm really sorry that I lied.

- Well, Lincoln,
I'm pretty disappointed.

This isn't like you.
I-I think you need

to clean this up
and go home.

- Okay.

["Ride of the Valkyries"
playing]

Hey, any chance I can get
that birdhouse back from you?

[jazz riff]

I feel bad about lying,

but I didn't have a choice.

I'm just not good
at woodworking.

- Oh, totally.

Just like me and the balloons.

I tried to hard
to blow them up,

but I just couldn't.

Passed out every time.

Even in the ambulance,
I kept trying.

When they took
the balloons away,

I grabbed some latex gloves,
and I tried to blow up those--

- Whoa, Clyde.
- I know.

I'm spiraling.
- No.

I mean, you actually tried

to conquer blowing up balloons.

I didn't put in any effort.

I just took the easy way out.

- Don't be so hard
on yourself, buddy.

Every uh-oh
is a chance to grow.

I saw that on a poster
in Dr. Lopez's office.

- Huh.
Maybe that poster's right.

Come on, Clyde.
We have to get

all that wood back.

- Well, most of it landed
in ketchup, but okay.

[jazz riff]

[school bell rings]

- Miss Johnson?

I just wanted you to know
that I made a step stool.

I don't expect you
to change my grade.

I only did it to prove
to myself that I could.

- Actually, I haven't done
the grading yet.

I'm proud of you
for giving it a try.

I can tell how hard
you worked.

There's blood
all over this.

- Actually, that's ketchup.

Maybe barbecue sauce.

- Well, I think I'm going
to give you a pass.

[jazz music]

Okay, class.
Our next unit will be...

the clowning arts!

We'll start with balloons.

[inhales deeply]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house ♪

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with 11 kids ♪

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪