The Loud House (2016–…): Season 0, Episode 0 - The Loud House - full transcript

- Good morning,
Royal Woods Middle School.

- How's it hopping, Kangaroos?

- Today we have an exciting
Action News special

planned for you that you
definitely won't want to miss.

- We'll be looking
at highlights

from the sporting career
of our eighth grade class's

very own MVP, Lynn Loud.

- But first,
here are today's top stories.

Clyde.

- A large chili spill has

closed down
the southeast hallway,



causing major backups
throughout the school.

I would advise
taking the main hallway

by the photo lab
to avoid the traffic.

Lincoln?

- This week, Mr. Bolhofner is

celebrating
his tenth anniversary

at Royal Woods Middle School.

When asked for a comment,
he said, and I quote,

"Go away.

Can't you see I'm trying
to eat my microwaved trout?"

- Truly an inspiration
to us all.

- Indeed, and now for our
Action News team special.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪



From an early age,
Lynn Loud Jr. was a champion.

Her life has always been
centered around sports.

She could skate long
before she could walk

and sing
her favorite teams' cheers

before she could even talk.

Her love of sports is
rivaled only by her love

of meatball subs.

Of her countless
accomplishments,

she's probably proudest
of being the youngest athlete

to win a FLIBBR.

- Gesundheit!
- Thanks, Clyde.

But a FLIBBR is actually
a championship win

in football, lacrosse,
ice hockey,

baseball, basketball,
and roller derby.

- Right, I knew that.

- And so today
we're celebrating Lynn Loud

as a teammate, a coach,
a competitor,

and a superstitious star.

- I know we rehearsed that,
but it gets me every time.

- Thanks, buddy.

Wanna kick off the show
with a clip?

- You know it!

Lynn asked me to make sure

I showed a classic
LJ G.O.A.T. moment.

So here's the best one
I could find.

- [bleating]
- Huh?

- Billygoats, Billygoats!

- Bad pitcher!

- [grunting]

- Bad pitcher!

- [growls]

- Baa--

- Uh, Clyde,
I think she meant G.O.A.T.,

as in "greatest of all time."

- Ah, well, in that case,

I need to make a quick call
to Liam's farm

and cancel Carol Anne's
surprise appearance.

Carol Anne the goat,
as in goat,

not as in the G.O.A.T.

- [laughs]

Well, it certainly takes a team
to run that farm,

just like it takes a team
to win a championship game.

Speaking of, here are some
of the best moments

of Lynn as a teammate.

[marching band drumming]

- Quadruple teamed!
Are you kidding?

[clock ticking]

Take the shot, Margo!

♪ ♪

- [grunts]

[crowd cheering]

- Wow, Margo!

- I can't believe it!
- That was incredible!

All: Margo, Margo, Margo!

[upbeat music]

- Nice try, Amy.
You almost had it.

- Diane dribbles up court,
passes to Maya,

who takes a shot!

Ooh, it's rolling around!

Ooh, Paula taps it in
from below!

- Aw, crutch play, Paula.

- Diane and Amy run the ball
up court.

- Amy, I'm open, I'm open!

- She passes to Lynn.

Lynn Loud with the ball,
alley-oop!

The Jerkies are really
hustling out there.

But will it be enough, Pep?
Will it be enough?

- Ooh, don't spoil it for me.

- Lynn's got the ball.

- Maya, catch!

- Maya's got it.

- [yawns]

- Oop, getting sleepy there,

making herself comfortable.

- Maya, wake up!
Clock's running out!

- Maya wakes up!
Maya's on the move.

But the Brie Throwers are
on her.

And with time running out,
the Jerkies gotta make a move.

[buzzer blares]
- Yay!

[all cheering]

- And the Royal Woods Roller
Queens have done it again!

- Yeah!
- We crushed it again!

- Oh!

Mmm, the sweet smell
of victory.

- Yeah, great win, guys.

Should we go celebrate
at the Burpin' Burger?

- Blue 22, blue 22!
Hut hut!

[upbeat music]

- [giggles]
Yeah!

- Royal Woods wins!

Royal Woods wins!

- [giggling]
- Whoo!

- I would have preferred
a victory pat to my posterior.

- Wow, what a goal.

Or basket?
What a hoop?

Sorry, antiquing with my dads
is the closest I get

to organized sports.

Also, where did we get all
this great footage?

- All of today's footage has
been provided by Lisa Loud.

She has cameras everywhere.

But she promised me
they're not always recording.

- How many more orders do we
have to make for tomorrow?

- Ten orders for a total
of 15 dozen cookies,

which will take, um...

[cell phone rings]

Lisa?

- 60 hours, or 2.5 days,

and that's
with no potty breaks.

- You were listening?
How?

I'm at Clyde's house.

Your surveillance measures
have gone too far.

- I heard it through your
walkie-talkie, you boob.

- Huh?
Oh!

Well, thank you.

- You're welcome.
Here's another tip.

Hire employees.

If two nincompoops can make
a dozen cookies in four hours,

think how many cookies six
or seven nincompoops could make

in that time.

- Hey!
- One last tip.

Maybe look
for a bigger workspace.

- How do you know the layout
of my kitchen?

- Gotta go.

- I believe her, I think.

- While we check the newsroom
for hidden cameras,

enjoy these great
Coach Lynn clips.

[rooster crows]

[upbeat music]

- Okay, now just pretend like
you're throwing a cow pie

and aim for that egg.

That's the magic strike zone.

♪ ♪

[chickens clucking]

- Ooh!

- Your speed is incredible,

but your control could
use some work.

- Well, baseballs feel mighty
different than cow pies.

And they sure do smell better.

- [grunts]
[cow moos]

- More to the left.

- [grunts]
[wood crashing]

- More to the right.

- [grunts]
[metal crashing]

- [sighs]
Don't think so much.

Just pitch.

- [grunts]

[pig grunts]
- Oh, ho, ho!

- Welcome to the team,
cow pie kid!

- Whoo-hoo!

Celebration like this calls
for a pig pile!

Whoo-hoo!

[upbeat music]

- [laughs]

- The ninth inning, and
things are not looking good

for the Royal Woods Kangaroos.

They are down 8-1
against the Hazeltucky Hockers.

- Quiet, chump!
You got this, Margo!

- Ooh!
- Huh?

[growls]

Hey, you still gotta pay
for that!

Ahh!

One of you Kangaroos
owes me big!

- That's ball four!

- [sighs]
Time, time!

All right, you're done, kid.
Time to bench it.

Paula, look alive!
You're pitching!

- [whimpering]

[grunting]

- Team captain Lynn Loud is

making her fifth
pitching change.

- Wh--ah!

- That ball is out of here!

- Oh.

- Ahh!
Oh, come on!

- When I blow the whistle,

you guys run to the center
of the ring and wrestle!

[blasts whistle]

Guys, lucha libre is
a contact sport.

This time, Caleb,
you bounce off the ropes

and come back at Camille
with an angry possum!

Like so.

- Ahh!

I'm stuck!

- I guess you guys aren't ready
for wrestling yet.

- [sighs]

- 'Cause first you have
to get into shape!

Your parents have a serious
lack of exercise equipment,

so we'll have to improvise.

Camille, let's do some curls
with these kosher dills.

- Ow!
I heard something pop.

- That's totally normal.
Walk it off.

- [whimpering]

- Okay, Caleb, your turn.

Let's see you
deadlift this turkey.

- [whines]

- Important lesson
for you guys,

after a good workout,

you always wanna
replenish those proteins.

- Ooh, eggs.

May I please have scrambled?
- I like mine hardboiled.

- Eh, cooking takes too long.

Your body needs
that protein now!

- [sobbing]

- Don't show weakness.
It'll just make things worse.

[both retching and gagging]

- [belches]

- You forget that you've
got a secret weapon, me!

I'll teach you everything you
need to know about football.

- Um...
- Good.

Now drop and give me 20.

- I've only got a five.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Whoa!

[piano music]

Ahh!

[upbeat music]

- Hike!

♪ ♪

- Lynn's coaching really
leaves you with a mark,

and sometimes a bruise,

and maybe a twisted ankle.

Anyway, let's check in
with Clyde as he gets ready

for our next segment.

Clyde, can you hear me?

- Loud and clear, buddy.

I'm on my way now
to the--oh no!

I forgot about the chili spill!

- Clyde, are you okay?

- There's chili everywhere!

- While I check on Clyde,
let's take a break.

We'll be right back.

- Welcome back, Kangaroos.

We now go live
to the Burpin' Burger

where Clyde McBride is
on the scene.

Clyde?

- After an extensive
chili cleanup

testing the limits
of my stain removal kit,

I'm standing here
at the Burpin' Burger

where they're about
to unveil a new menu item

named after Lynn.

- What's it called?

- The Lynner Lynner
Double Burger Dinner.

It's a standard double Belcher
with extra pickles,

extra onions,
and triple Diablo sauce.

Let's try this bad boy out.

Mm, mm-hmm.
- Wait.

Did you say triple
Diablo sauce?

That sounds intense.

- Yeah, you can hardly
taste it though.

Oh, wait, there it is.

[panting]

Ahh!

- Ooh, that looks like
it hurts.

Well, while Clyde
battles that burger,

here's a few highlights of Lynn
as a battle ready competitor.

- Ow, ow, ow!

- I can chug faster than you!

[belches]

I win!
In your face, Milkin'!

Whoo!

♪ ♪

Race you to the top!

- Ow!

- Whoo-hoo!

I win!
You went down hard!

- I thought I was going up.

♪ ♪

- Stack-a up.

- Yes, I win!
I stacked more blocks than you!

Uh-uh, uh, uh, uh-huh!

♪ ♪

Boom, I win!
Made an explosion first!

- I wasn't trying
to make an explosion!

Dang it.

- I can wash faster than you!

I can brush faster than you!

♪ ♪

I can go to sleep the fastest!

[all groan]

- I can also snore the loudest!

[snoring]

[all groaning]

- All right,
time to scout myself a date.

Let's see who can keep up
with Lynn Loud.

♪ ♪

On your mark, get set, go!

♪ ♪

What?
Huh?

- Forget this.
There's no way we can beat her.

- Huh, guess I gotta
try something else.

[all groaning]

- [grunting]
- [yawns]

- Ah!
- Aw, come on, man.

Were you even trying?

- Ugh, I'm sorry.

You're just like really,
really strong.

- Thanks.
I never skip arm day.

- [groans]

- Okay, well,
this isn't working.

Time to change up my strategy.

[soft music]

[tense music]

Basketball.

all: Don't do it!
Don't do it!

- Two points, two points,
two points, two points,

two points, two points,
two points, yeah!

[buzzer blares]
- Buh-bye!

- My favorite exercise is
rock climbing.

It's a great way
to get in shape

and a total head rush.

Huh, let's do this!

[both grunting]

- Lynn Loud, Lynn Loud,
Lynn Loud, Lynn Loud, yeah!

Come on, guys!
Engage your core!

[both grunting]

[both screaming]

- Are we in shape yet?

[dramatic music]

- Huh?

♪ ♪

- [growling]
Get her!

- Ah!

♪ ♪

Whoo, ha-ha, hey-a!

♪ ♪

- Check it out,
this fan moves like a Penguin!

Give it up for the Penguin!

- Oof!

[crowd booing]

- Oh, yeah, baby!
I win!

Winner winner chicken dinner!

- I thought
we were having salmon.

- Yes, I win!

Losers clean up!

- How are you feeling, Clyde?

- Once my taste buds healed,
much better.

- Think you're up
for our new segment?

- Let's do it.

It's time for the...

[together]
Action News Team Playbook!

- Where we break down and
analyze great sporting moments.

I'm still Lincoln Loud.

- And I'm still Clyde McBride.
Roll it!

- [yawns]
Would you look at the time.

Let's just turn in
and get this night over with.

- What do you mean?

It's still early, and
you have a fun new roommate.

- Yeah--
- Lucha libre!

- I can't see anything.

- Now walk us through what
we're seeing here, Lincoln.

- Well, Clyde, to be honest,

I couldn't see much
of anything in that mask.

All I knew was that,
in that moment,

I was in trouble.

- Lunatic Lynn
off the third turnbuckle!

- What, what?
I can't hear anything either!

- Ooh, that one
must have hurt.

- You have no idea,
but look at that form.

Now, that's a proper flying
elbow from the top rope.

[grunting]

See, that's a wall suplex
into an elbow drop.

- Now, how does the elbow drop
feel in comparison

to the flying elbow drop?

- Very similar, Clyde,
very similar.

- Well, we thank you
for your insight.

What an athlete.

This has been...

[together]
The Action News Team Playbook!

- I was lucky to make it out
of that match alive.

And speaking of luck,
let's turn the spotlight

on some of Lynn's wildest
sports superstitions.

[upbeat music]

- It reeks of hot jellyfish
in here!

- It's good luck for the team.

Bring the sting,
bring the sting,

bring the sting!

It's good luck for the team.

Lori, get up there
with our mascot

and do the wiggle!

- Please don't make me do this.

[electronic music]

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

[crowd laughing]

- It's good luck for the team!

[upbeat music]

- Are you ready, honey?
- Hup, hup, hup.

Not yet!

Hup, hup, hup.
Okay, now I'm ready.

♪ ♪

- Wow, honey, I know you always
have your superstitious rituals

before a trial,
but they seem more intense

than usual today.

- Can't take any chances.

It's for my FLIBBR.
- Your what?

- Well, it's a beautiful day
at the park, isn't it, Pep?

- Oh, sure it is.

- It's the bottom of the ninth

with the Royal Woods Squirrels
up 3-nothing.

Could this be another shutout
for star pitcher Lynn Loud?

[crowd cheering]

- Go Lynn!

- Loud is performing her
signature good luck rituals.

- Hutta-hup, hutta-hup,
hutta-hup!

- Hey, Pep,
you believe there's anything

to these kinds
of superstitions?

- I don't know.

- Well, here's the windup
and the pitch!

Ooh, looks like
the softball gods did not love

that Cossack dance.

- What's up,
my tentacled troopers?

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

How you gonna do me dirty
like that on game day, Fern?

[both growling]

- They call her Stern Fern.

She's the most feared usher
in the league.

One time,
she kicked out the mascot

for sneezing too loud.

Fern takes this hockey stuff
way too seriously.

[gasps]
Luan, no.

You can't sit like that.

Pretzel style only
on game days.

It's good luck.

You too, Pops,
crisscross apple sauce.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow!

If I'd known, I would have
done some pregame stretches.

- Looks like this pretzel's
a little salty.

[laughs]

- Hot dogs, funnel cakes!

Get your hot dogs
and funnel cakes!

- Ah, the reason I'm here.
Ay!

- Stop.
You can't order food from him.

He's a mush, bad luck.
Hey, Vicki!

Let me get two porksters
and couple of doughboys!

Goofy foot style!

That's your standard hot dog
with powdered sugar

and funnel cake with mustard.

It's good luck for the team.

- [groaning]

- Rowdy McQuads is
on the breakaway!

[upbeat rock music]

He put the biscuit
in the basket!

See?
I told you these were lucky.

Ahh, tastes like luck.

♪ ♪

[airhorn blasts]

Okay, second period
is starting.

Time to change.
- Change?

- Yah!

I have a first period jersey,
a second period jersey,

and a third period jersey.

Now get in.
- Ah!

Do you have any superstitions,
Clyde?

- I always keep
a lucky handkerchief

with me wherever I go.
- Ooh, can we see it?

- Sure, it's right--uh oh.

Where did it go?

- While we look for Clyde's
missing handkerchief,

we'll be right back.

- Spunk E. Pigeon's
Pizza Palooza Paradise,

starring your favorite
video games,

your favorite toppings,
and your favorite hits!

- ♪ Ooh, girl ♪
- ♪ Ooh, girl ♪

both: ♪ Ooh, girl,
give you the world, girl ♪

- Spunk E. Pigeon's
Pizza Palooza Paradise!

You'll lose your mind!

- Welcome back, Kangaroos.

What a broadcast.

We found your lucky
handkerchief,

cleaned a massive,
traffic stopping chili spill,

and tried Lynn's new burger,
all in one show.

- Never a dull moment
for the Action News team.

Before we say goodbye,

there's one last thing
we want to show you.

No sports special is complete
without a few bloopers.

So here are some totally
wacky ones featuring Lynn

and some of my other
family members.

Enjoy!

- Oh, come on!

Who was supposed
to be covering my blind side?

[whimsical music]

- Hey, I'm doing it!
Give it a try, Clyde.

- Here I go!

Whoa!
- Ahh!

Oof!

♪ ♪

- Ahh.

[all yelling]

- No, no, no,
you gotta stay in it.

It's good luck for the team.

- 58, 59--ow!

Ahh!

♪ ♪

- Oof!

♪ ♪

- Luna, hoist the mainsail!

- Um, yeah, the mainsail...

- Right by the boom.

♪ ♪

That pole.

- Right, the pole.

♪ ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa--oof!

[both screaming]

♪ ♪

[all gasp]

♪ ♪

- Take a mulligan.
Try again.

We'll call that a warm-up shot.

♪ ♪

- Ahh!

♪ ♪

- What is up
with my game today?

- Ah, don't worry
about it, champ.

Just keep a cool head.

♪ ♪

- Ahh!

♪ ♪

- Ahh!

- Wh--ahh!

- [grunting]

- Wait up!

Margo, I know
I can be really competiti--oof!

Can you guys lay off?
I'm trying to apologize here!

Representing Royal Woods
in the world bobsled finals,

it's Lynn and Lisa Loud!

[yells]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Stop!

- Oof!
Uh-oh.

- I can't see this ending well.

♪ ♪

Ahh!

- Ooh, I think I got something!

- Reel it in!
That's our lunch!

- Ahh!
- Ahh!

Get it out!

- Well, the important thing is
we caught one.

- Yeah, and we still have
our sandwiches for lunch.

[fish growls]

- Now gently rock forward
as we go into crow pose.

- [grunting]

Ahh!
[groans]

- Well, that about does it.
Thanks for watching.

- From all of us here
at Action News,

have a hoppy day, Kangaroos.

[both laugh]