The Lone Gunmen (2001–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Three Men and a Smoking Diaper - full transcript

I'm here at campaign
headquarters...

in downtown Richmond
with Senator Richard Jefferson.

[Man]
And cue camera eight.

- [Crowd Cheering]
- Just four days before the election...

in a race that's suddenly
ugly with allegation...

after the death of a Jefferson
campaign worker...

in a mysterious
auto accident.

We are all deeply saddened
by the tragic loss...

of this young woman,
Ms. Bonabo.

Our hearts go out to the
family of our good friend.

[Frohike On Earphone]
Hold steady, Byers.



Stop with the fluff.
Get to the damn allegations.

Senator, your opponent claims that you're
trying to bury the facts about the accident...

and the truth about your relationship
with the victim, Ms. Bonabo.

Let me say emphatically,
those are lies...

meant to capitalize politically
on a real tragedy.

Cut the crap, Senator.

Wasn't Ms. Bonabo's accident
reallyjust a way...

to keep her quiet
about your torrid little affair?

- [Feedback On Earphone]
- [Crowd Murmuring]

Who told him to say that?

That's a rather bizarre bit of phraseology
I really shouldn't dignify with a response.

Isn't it well-known among your staff...

that you and Ms. Bonabo
liked to play hide the salami?

Isn't it well-known
amongst your staff...



that you and Ms. Bonabo
liked to play hide the salami?

Okay, that's uncalled for. Senator...

You know, I certainly hope
my mama's not listenin'...

'cause I know how it upsets her
to hear these vicious rumors.

Where'd he get
those questions?

- Think he's making them up?
- He's too stupid to make them up.

Senator Skirt Chaser...
"Senator Skirt Chaser"?

Don't get cute, Langly.
Byers, higher with the balloon.

Our transmission's cutting out.

Wait a second.
Who's that guy?

- What guy?
- The guy with the silver balloon.

- I don't know.
- I don't know how, but he's
hijacked our transmission.

What...

Torpedo in the water.

[Grunts]

Get off me.

[Crowd Chattering]

I think we're in trouble.
Byers has been spotted.

Hey, you!

I'm talkin' to you.

- Ahh.
- What's your business here?

Me? I'm with 60 Minutes.

No, you're not.
Who's your boss?

Geraldo Rivera?

[Scoffs]

- Uh, hey, guys?
- [Frohike] Hey, Langly.

Come clean, Senator.
How'd you do it?

Slit her brake lines?
Have her run off the road?

Come on, Senator. How many bimbos
do you have to ice to bury the truth?

Being that you've buried
more pipe than Exxon in Alaska!

Shut the damn door!
I'm on a... roll.

Uh, pay no attention
to that man.

Next stop: Ladies' Wear.

Walk on by, brother.
Let it go.

Enchant?, mademoiselle.

You got a problem, Officer?

You got a problem
with the hair, man?

- Langly...
- No, no.

I just spent nine hours
in jail defending my honor.

I think I deserve a little respect
from the man in blue here.

An apology for my friend and I...

for suffering insults, humiliation
and time in the slammer...

to see that justice is done.

You know what the difference
between you and me is?

It ain't the hair.

And it ain't the doughnut duster
over your big fat pie hole!

- The difference between you and me is...
- Langly!

The difference between you
and me is I got a gun.

Come on.

Hey, man, we got
four days till the election.

Four days to make sure the senator
is exposed for what he is...

before he can put
the fix in for good.

- We are not gonna get that
story rotting in the hoosegow.
- [Horn Honks]

- Hey, are you guys all right?
- [Langly] Yeah, no thanks to you.

- I tried to warn you.
- Save it, Jimmy.

It was a long, cold
night in the pokey.

Some guy named Harish
tried to make me his afghan.

Oh, man!
Do I feel terrible!

Not the dog, Jimmy.
The blanket.

WhatJimmy's trying to say is
it was all for nothing.

SenatorJefferson's ratings didn't go down
after the interview. They went up.

The whole thing was seen
as an ambush, a political stunt.

What's wrong with people? Doesn't
anyone care that a woman's dead?

That a U.S. senator
had her bumped off?

The man's getting away
with murder.

- He may be, unless we can get proof that he did it.
- Proof?

Jefferson's a player,
a notorious wrecking machine...

a married man that carries on
like a sex-crazed teenager...

and now he's gone
Chappaquiddick on us.

I say we run with the story.
Run it now, verify facts later.

Langly, what about journalistic integrity?
We cannot print rumors.

Yeah, and what if it backfires again?

These people put the right spin on the story,
Jefferson could go to the White House.

I'd vote for him.

I'd vote for him.

Hey, he seems like a great guy.

Come here, Jimmy.
I wanna feel your forehead.

- Ow! What'd you do that for?
- I owed it to the world.

[Byers]
We're wasting time here.

[Langly]
He's right. Let's get moving.

What do you guys
want me to do?

Just clean the windshield, Gomer Pyle,
and then get out of the way.

Stop!

What'd I do now?

You may have just preserved
a valuable piece of information.

- "Rx"? Is that a prescription number?
- There's one way to find out.

Gentlemen, looks like we may
have ourselves a Deep Throat.

Whoa, guys.

Someone's left us a clue on the woman
who died in the accident.

You mean on the windshield?
That's her prescription number?

What would a dead woman
need a prescription for?

There's no one here.
Maybe we can just slip in...

get the Bonabo file,
and Bob's your uncle.

Can I help you gentlemen?

Uh, yeah. Um, yeah.

My-My friend here is really ill.

He's got a bad, um...
stomachache.

- Where does it hurt?
- Oh, it hurts all over.

- Then you need a specialist.
- No. I-It's an emergency.

Doctor can't treat
what doctor can't see.

I'm going to send you
for a lower G.I.

No. No, no.
We know what's wrong.

He's got... gas.

Terrible, explosive gas.

- [Man] Nurse, can you come back here?
- Excuse me.

Gas? Couldn't you choose
something more dignified?

- Like what?
- Like I don't know what.

How am I supposed
to fake a gas attack?

How am I supposed to sneak
in there and get those files?

The, uh, doctor will see you now.

Remove your clothes
and put on a gown.

Doctor will be along.

[Flatulence Sound]

[Flatulence Continues]

[Flatulence Continues]

[Grunting]

[Flatulence Sound]

What in heaven's name?

[Water Bottle Pops]

Excuse me. Nurse?
Watch the other patients.

I think we have an emergency.

I feel better now.
Really. I'm fine!

Must've been the chili
cheese dog I had for lunch.

What exactly is this stuff?

Forensic adhesive. I borrowed it
from a friend at the F.B.I.

Used it to pull the prints off whomever
wrote on our windshield.

You're going to use it
to find a match.

And all I have to do is walk in
and shake hands with people?

Someone on the senator's
team may be our informant.

We find out who, we may be able to persuade
them to tell us how he killed the girl.

You are our eyes and ears, Jimmy.

[Earpiece Beeps]

- [Phones Ringing]
- [Woman] Headquarters. May I help you?

Yes, we are open. Mm-hmm.
Volunteering would be great.

[Phones Continue Ringing]

Jimmy Bond... in the house.

[Woman]
Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

Hi. I'm here to volunteer
my services to the campaign.

James Bond.
Call meJimmy.

Do you have any campaign
experience, Jimmy?

Campaign experience?

Uh... no.

Any special skills to volunteer?

Special skills? Uh, well,
I can count to 20 in Mexican.

Great! Why don't you try over
with the senator's opponent, Jimmy?

No. Wait. Can I just say
what an honor it is to be here?

Just to be in the presence
of such dedicated Americans...

as SenatorJefferson and yourself.

And can I just say thank you?

Thank you for keeping
the dream alive.

Here. Lick some envelopes.

You're doing fine, Jimmy.

I can't believe I'm actually
part of the senator's campaign.

- Here you go.
- Oh, thanks.

[Chattering Continues]

- [Feedback On Headset]
- What's happening there, Jimmy?

Everything's under control.

[Chattering, Laughing]

Oh, man.

In here. Hurry up.

- What is it?
- I've been calling the apartment
for two hours, Jock. No answer.

- What do you mean?
- Nobody's home. The sitter's gone.

Would you calm down. Maybe
she just took him out for a stroll.

I can't take it. I'd kill myself
if anything happened to him.

What if she's out blabbing her mouth to
whoever's pursuing the senator's dead girlfriend?

In that case,
we're dead too.

- We're going to hell for this.
- We have bigger problems than that, Brenda.

Someone's trying to sink us.
We have three days to see that they don't.

Three days? Three days the senator could
impregnate the entire League of Women Voters.

You want to quit? Huh? Or you gonna help
me keep his pants up and get him elected?

Now come on.

All clear, Your Gassiness.

The things I do for a story.

Are you sure this is her place?

The doctor wrote Barbara Bonabo
a tranquilizer prescription.

This was the address she used.

You know what this is?

This is the senator's love nest.

[Man's Voice]
All right. Over against the wall.

Both you boys know the routine.

[Man #2 On TV]
How did you know I was here?

[Man #1 On TV] Police been watching
this place and a hundred more like it...

ever since your story broke
in the newspaper.

You cops have
all the dumb luck.

[Announcer]
The revolutionary kitchen appliance...

that makes dish washing a breeze.

[Creature Snarling,
Woman Screaming]

[Dramatic Movie Soundtrack]

[Cartoon Soundtrack]

[Cartoon Soundtrack Continues]

[Baby Cooing]

- He was left alone?
- All by himself?

- That's what "alone" means.
- He wasn't left alone for long.

- How would you know that?
- I put my nose to his diaper.

And you think it's the senator's?

It's the senator's love shack.

He was afraid his chicky was gonna squeal, so
he fed her the pills and took her for a drive.

- Of course it's his.
- But the senator's a married man.

[Baby Fussing]

What would his wife think?

That's what this is all about!

- [Baby Crying]
- Langly?

Hey, what do I know about kids?

Maybe it's just hungry.
Somebody get it a cheeseburger.

[Crying Stops]

Huh.

If it gets out that this
is the senator's baby...

he's gonna lose the election.

Exactly.
We can do D.N.A. testing.

Mm-mmm. That'd take
more than 48 hours.

I got a hunch one ofJefferson's
people may be willing to talk.

Jimmy was able to eavesdrop on
Jefferson's campaign managers.

The woman was upset, angry
at the senator. Maybe about the kid.

Of course.
It makes perfect sense.

She was angry at his behavior but afraid to go
public, so she left a clue on our windshield.

Jimmy, you gotta go back in there,
man. Get her to dish the dirt.

We get proof this is Jefferson's
love child, he's going down.

And our circulation's going up.

I thought all you guys
were looking for was the truth.

But you're out to ruin
the senator.

Our job isn't to judge.

It's to get the news
and report it.

Let the chips fall
where they may.

- Yeah, if you say so.
- [Langly Sighs]

But who's gonna watch the kid?

[Baby Crying]

Cheeseburger, cheeseburger,
cheeseburger. Langly!

- Langly? Langly? Lang...
- [Crying Continues]

- Peekaboo.
- I can't take this!

Oh, it's only been five minutes.
Here. I think he needs a bottle.

[Crying Continues]

P.U! That's not all it needs.

[Sniffs]
We're fresh out of milk.

How about some nondairy
coffee creamer?

[Langly]
Whatever. Just get in here.

[Crying Continues]

Ooh-fah. Why spend billions
developing biological warfare?

- [Baby Screaming]
- What is that?

Out of my way, Mr. Mom.

[Crying Stops]

[Urine Flowing]

All right already!
Enough with the fire hose!

[Urine Continues Flowing]

[Brenda] Okay now,
the senator is just a little behind.

[Brenda] Okay now,
the senator is just a little behind.

He can see you.
It's just he's in a meeting.

Jimmy! That's your name,
isn't it? Can you come with me?

- Is something the matter?
- See this group of blue-haired ladies?

- Don't look at them. Just keep moving.
- Who are they?

Big supporters of the senator
here to present him an award.

- Wow. Can I meet the senator too?
- That's where we're going, Jimmy.

He fell like a wet sack of crap.

- What happened to him?
- He's got a condition.

Bet those ladies out there
are gonna be so disappointed.

- That's just it, Jimmy.
- Those women drove seven hours
to present this award.

Their support is critical to the election.
He's got to accept it.

- Shouldn't we call a doctor?
- [Both Together] No!

I don't know.

He doesn't seem in any shape
to be in public.

Jimmy, do it. Do what they say.
It's our chance to expose him.

Senator?
SenatorJefferson?

If you can just get him on his feet,
he usually comes around.

[Groaning]

- Senator?
- [Jock] Senator!

Man the lifeboats.

[Grunts] You've got
the Women's Auxiliary here, Senator.

- They're waiting.
- They just want to hear a word from you.

Oh. Let's get you
some dry clothes.

[Grunting]

[Groans]

I believe I have to urinate.

[Jock And Brenda Groaning]

[Jefferson] Your endorsement is
so important to me. I am truly blessed.

Without you ladies, I'm nothing.

A man with good intentions
is just a man.

But a man in office with the support
of folks like y'all is a man on a mission.

[Cheering, Whistling]

Thank you.

- [Doorbell Buzzing]
- [Baby Crying]

- [Doorbell Buzzing]
- [Baby Crying]

Thank God she's here.

[Baby Continues Crying]

Langly, is that a baby crying?

No. That's a baby about to drive us
into a tower with guns.

[Frohike]
Come on. How bad can it be?

You wanna see a funny face?
[Makes Funny Sounds]

[Crying Continues]

And you boys wonder
what the problem is?

I'm in no mood for your
usual sarcasm, Yves.

Just show us where
the volume control is.

- You must be joking.
- We tried everything.

- It's okay. It's okay.
- We fed him. We changed him.

I even read him bedtime stories about
the F.B.I.'s illegal collection of surveillance data.

This kid refuses to negotiate.

Even you're not that stupid, Frohike.

He won't quit crying until
you give him what he wants.

[Baby Fussing]

Free the prisoners.

Oh, God.
I'm dealing with schoolboys.

- [Crying]
- Oh, look at you.

- [Sighs]
- Look at you.

You're a bright boy.
Yes, you are.

[Crying Continues]

- [Crying Stops]
- I don't believe it.

- That's it? That's all it took?
- Sticking a finger in its mouth?

Did it ever occur to you that
your little prince might be teething?

Well, when we found him, he didn't
come with an instruction manual.

You found him?

No. No, of course not.

That's just a figure of speech.
We didn't find him.

Uh, he's Frohike's.

Melvin.

Hey, you know, you tomcat
around long enough...

you're bound to wind up
with a litter or two.

Come to Papa, big boy.

[Crying Resumes]

Quite a day, don't you know?

Quite a day, don't you know?

[Chattering Continues]

Jimmy!

Good work today. I know
the senator really appreciates it.

Oh. Hey, thanks.

Nah, it's okay, Jimmy.
Hey, listen.

There's something I want
to discuss with you if I may.

What you saw today
in the bathroom...

the senator's, uh, condition...

understand, we don't discuss it.

Really nothing to discuss.

Discuss it with him, Jimmy.

Not that it's any of my business...

but this condition,
if we were to discuss it...

what exactly
would we be discussing?

Well, I don't know
how to put this.

The senator's on a medication
for his angina.

- His what?
- Well, the senator has a little angina.

[Laughing]
Aw, come on.

I know, I know. He seems
like such a big, strong man.

But it's true,
and it's not important...

as long as he keeps
doing the job well, right?

Now this is just between us.

I'll get to the bottom of this.

We need to have a little talk.

- About?
- Oh, I think you know.

And you're pretty darn
upset about it too.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, come on.

What kind of fool
do you take me for?

[Chuckles]

The senator may be
a big, strong man...

but you and I know
what his condition is.

Look, you and I both know
the senator doesn't have an angina.

But that's not the big secret.

I think you're just looking
for someone to tell...

aren't you?

Whenever you're ready...
[Clicks Tongue] I'm your man.

Brenda?

He knows, Jock.
About everything.

Well, looks like we'll just
have to take care of it.

Just like we did with
the senator's little girlfriend.

[Chattering]

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi, Jimmy. How are you?

Uh, fine.
How are you doing?

Great. Just great. In fact,
things are lookin' so good...

Jock and I think we no longer need
you here as a volunteer, Jimmy.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that SenatorJefferson looks
like he's got this one in the bag...

and he wants to bring you
on his team full-time, Jimmy.

No. Seriously?

And as a show of faith,
we'd like to give you a little bonus.

To just say thanks, Jimmy.

- I know what this is.
- Just a little something.

Yeah. Like thejob offer.

Keep me quiet
about the senator.

You know...

I've always believed that
the senator was a great man.

When that train
jumped the tracks...

and all those
schoolkids were hurt...

he was there,
with the families, crying.

And when he got up there to Washington
and poured his heart out...

about making sure that
the needy weren't forgotten...

he changed people's minds
'cause he cared.

But I guess maybe there's
another side to the story...

one that I keep wishing
weren't true.

See, I want to believe that
the senator's a great man...

but not because
somebody's paying me to.

[Doorbell Buzzing]

Could you lay off the buzzer?
I just got the kid to sleep.

Melvin, I'm so impressed.

I really thought you'd be all thumbs
at this fatherhood business.

You do know it's quite a turn-on
when a man shows himself so capable.

- Really?
- Maybe I have to reevaluate you.

Okay, whose finger's responsible
for the electroshock treatment?

Hey, show some respect. The lady's
here out of concern for the child.

- A lot more than I can say for you, Ichabod Crane.
- Oh, yeah?

If you're so concerned, why don't you check
out the throttle on your urban cow-baby?

"Urban cow-baby"?

Have you both gone insane?

- [Baby Cooing]
- You could be thrown in jail.

It's working, isn't it?

Yeah, if you're trying to make
a milk shake in the kid's stomach.

- Melvin, you should be ashamed.
- [Baby Crying]

How are we supposed
to get any work done?

How are we supposed
to publish our paper...

and root out graft, corruption and
corporate greed for our loyal readers...

if we're changing poopy diapers?

A man who has to even ask that
question is hardly a man at all!

[Baby Passing Gas]

- Did you hear all that?
- They were bribing you.

- Yeah. Can you believe it?
- Jimmy, this is great news.

Well, I'm glad you think so!

They were buying your silence.
It's completely illegal.

Like they think I can be bought.

- Where's the check, Jimmy?
- Where is it?

- I tore it up!
- You tore it up?

Into little itty-bitty pieces,
and then I scattered it...

all over that no-good
Brenda's desk...

to let her know
who they're dealing with!

For God's sake, that was our
evidence you destroyed, Jimmy!

- You said you needed fingerprints.
- [Groans]

- How's it going, guys?
- We're doomed.

What do you mean,
we're doomed?

We got 36 hours to the election,
and we got nothing.

No evidence, no story. Nothing to prove
the senator did anything wrong.

What happened to Deep Throat,
the turncoat, this Linda Tripp?

If she ever wanted to talk,
I'd say that opportunity is long gone.

You want evidence?
I'll get you evidence.

You want evidence?
I'll get you evidence.

I'll get you the story.

The love your baby feels
is the love your baby deals.

[Laughs]
In the animal kingdom...

babies who are not nurtured
by their mothers...

grow up unprepared
to nurture their own offspring.

So it is
with the human animal.

[Whispering]
I can't go through with this.

Melvin, he's your child.

So the job of nurturing
falls both to Mommy and Daddy.

But sometimes Daddy feels
ill-equipped to bond with Baby...

and that's why
we're here today.

[Chattering]

Gentlemen, keep those
nipples high and proud!

Breathe one word of this, Yves...

- [Baby Fussing]
- Look at you.

Look at you.
Look at Little Billy Goat Gruff.

How could the senator abandon
such a sweet little angel?

[Woman]
(music) Well, well, well, well (music)

(music) Oh, happy day (music)

- (music) Oh, happy day (music)
- (music) Oh, happy day (music)

(music) Oh, happy day (music)

(music) When SenatorJefferson walks (music)

(music) When the senator walks (music)

(music) When SenatorJefferson walks (music)

(music) Oh, yes, when he walks (music)

- (music) [Continues]
- Grande decaf, no cream.

Grande regular, cream and sugar.

A triple grande cappuccino.
Here you go.

(music) Oh, happy day (music)

- (music) Oh, happy day (music)
- Your coffees.

(music) Oh, happy day (music)

(music) When SenatorJefferson walks (music)

(music) When the senator walks (music)

(music) When SenatorJefferson walks (music)

- (music) Yes, when he walks (music)
- Nice kid.

(music) When SenatorJefferson walks (music)

(music) When SenatorJefferson walks (music)

[Chattering]

[Woman]
Sing forJefferson!

(music) [Singing Soul]

(music) [Singing Continues]

What on earth are you doing?

Bringing you your evidence.

Fingerprints.

On the cups.

- It's too late.
- Maybe not.

Leave it to you bumbling fools
to ruin a beautiful opportunity.

She knows everything.

You let this man get away
with fathering an illegitimate child?

And keeping it a secret
from the voters over there!

- Just cool your jets, Yves.
- Hey!

I think we've found our Deep Throat.

(music) [Women Singing Soul]

(music) [Singing Continues]

Psst. Psst. Come here.

Oh, my God! Oh!

Oh, I was so worried that something
terrible had happened to him.

Something awful.

The little guy's fine, Brenda.

(music) [Continues]

Ow! Oh!

You! I oughta kick your butt
from here to the Potomac!

- For what?
- For lyin' to me.

For playin' the big, dumb,
stupid lunkhead.

- I wasn't playin' anything.
- Oh, no?

"The senator's a great man.
The senator's this. The senator's that."

And then you go and kidnap his baby and
bring him here, so you can humiliate him.

- That's what you wanted?
- Me? To ruin the senator?

A clue left on our windshield
led us to the kid.

We pulled a fingerprint off of it,
which matched up perfectly with this.

Grande vanilla, two percent,
no whip, caramel latte, babe.

I had a regular cappuccino.

- That's not your cup?
- No.

And not her fingerprints either.

Then whose cup is it?

- (music) [Humming "America"]
- As I stand here today,
just hours before election day...

I stand here
as a partner with you.

- [Crowd Cheering]
- As a friend, a relative...

a man you can trust not just to protect
the America we know and love...

but to fight for you
like a junkyard dog!

- [Cheering Continues]
- I am but a man...

[Indistinct Whispering]

Folks, you'll have to excuse me.

I got voters out there waiting.
Now what's this all about?

About you being ruined, Senator.

Ruined? By who? These people?

We're reporters, Senator,
from a paper called the Lone Gunman.

- We've been working on an expos?.
- An expos??

About who? Not me.

About your drunken behavior
and your reckless carousing...

and the death of one
of your campaign workers.

Those are rumors.
You tell 'em, Jock.

[Brenda]
Jock already told 'em.

That's how they know
the truth, Senator.

Jock? NotJock.
Jock's my boy.

Your loyal campaign manager over there
is a backstabbing traitor.

Why don't you just
admit it to him, Jock?

[Byers] Look, we know about your
affair, Senator, with Barbara Bonabo.

A clue left on our car led us
to a doctor who wrote prescriptions...

for the tranquilizers in her system
the night of her accident.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What doctor?
What tranquilizer?

You talk like I know any of this.

The reason you don't know any
is because I took care of it for you.

Like I take care of everything.
All the mess. All your dirty secrets.

You killed Barbara Bonabo, Jock?

No, I didn't kill her.
We just wanted to keep her quiet...

make her disappear
till after the election.

But she took some pills
and took a drive.

She was distraught.
She was in love with you.

But then they're all
in love with you.

Whatever my behavior
or my affairs...

this was wrong, Jock.

Apparently not, Senator.

Somehow I always turn it
into a victory, don't I?

Well, not this time.

No. Jock hates you so much, he put
the story right under their nose.

Anonymously, like a coward.

I got a career ahead of me,
unlike the senator here.

Even if they write the story...

it won't come out until
after the election, Senator.

There's only one little problem.

It's mine? I'm the father?

Jefferson's the man.

Well, this is unforeseen.

I do apologize, Brenda.

I'm sorry.
I've let you down.

You too, Jock.

I don't blame you for hatin' me.

Where are you going, Senator?

I'm gonna save
these boys some trouble.

I'm gonna tell
the people out there...

the truth... myself.

Senator?

I'm still voting for you.

[Laughs]
Thank you, Jimmy.

- [Crowd Cheering]
- All right, Senator.

- (music) [Woman Singing Soul]
- Oh, now. I know you're hungry.

- Just come on. Have a little milk. Come on.
- (music) [Continues]

[TVReporter] I'm here at Senator
Jefferson's campaign headquarters...

where yesterday voters rallied excitedly,
expecting a landslide victory.

But those rally cries turned
to deadening silence this morning...

after a cheerful speech
by the senator...

telling the voters
about a secret affair...

and of a love child
with a former campaign worker.

- [TVTurns Off]
- I can't listen to this.

Play with fire, Jimmy,
you're gonna get burned.

At least he was man enough to go
out there and admit the truth.

Well, he's still a great man.

But not a great father.

- [Baby Crying]
- You got a problem with the hair, man?

He thinks you're his mother.

Bug off, Frohike. We're
spending quality time here.

- Hey, it's my turn to hold him.
- [Doorbell Buzzing]

Get the door.

What's he doing here?

I wasn't sure
I had the right address.

Anyway, uh, may I come in?

So, this is the conscience
of America, huh?

We only mean
to report the truth.

Well, it's a good thing.
And inspiring.

Wouldn't it be great if we
could all be more like you?

That's what you
came here to tell us?

No, Jimmy. No. I...
I came for something else.

- The kid?
- (music) [Continues]

Langly.

Well, hello, Son. Goodness.

You don't even have
a name yet, do you?

You know what? I believe
I'm gonna call you William.

- How about that? William Jefferson.
- That's a great name.

[Knocking]

What can I say?

He's a good man. I just came to pick up
some baby stuff for the senator.

Excuse me.

Hey.

- Everybody! Come here!
- What is it?

First election results in showing Senator
Jefferson not out of this race by any means.

- [All Cheering]
- [Baby Crying]

- Oh, hey.
- Oh.

- I know.
- Okay.

- It's okay.
- Yeah.

Oh, it's all right.

[Child]
I made this!