The Lone Gunmen (2001–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Like Water for Octane - full transcript
The Lone Gunmen and Jimmy are trying to find the long lost "water powered" car that Frohike saw with his own eyes back in 1962. Only, they are not the only ones who are after it.
(music) [Patriotic]
[Jimmy Narrating]
Heroes.
Once in a great while, they come along
when we need them the most...
like President Churchill,
who won World War II...
and Ghandi,
peaceful leader of the Indians.
Or, as we know them,
Native Americans.
The thing about heroes is...
you can just never tell where
the next crop is gonna come from...
and you don't always
recognize them at first sight.
When I grow up, I wanna be a singer
just like Dolly Parton.
I wanna be rich and famous
and have big...
When I grow up,
I wanna be the star quarterback...
for the Redskins,
and be rich and famous.
Rich and famous.
Famous and, um...
When I grow up, I want to be a career
bureaucrat with the federal government.
I wanna help
as many people as I can...
and work hard to spread
democracy throughout the world.
- [Lowing]
- [Typing]
Ringo, you're supposed
to be milking.
I told you.
Typing is for secretaries.
That damn fool toy
is going on the junk pile.
Let me tell you something
about this damn fool toy, Dad.
This damn fool toy
is gonna change everything...
from the way people do business
to the way we communicate.
This damn fool toy is the future.
And you know what else?
By the year 2000...
when I've made millions of dollars
off this damn fool toy...
we'll all eat food pills
like on Star Trek...
and we won't need cows anymore.
[Cattle Lowing]
- Say it!
- [Grunting]
Say it!
The Cutlass 442 is faster
than the Belvedere GTX, all right?
Damn straight. Some captain
of the football team you are.
You're a shrimp.
You'll always be a shrimp...
shrimp.
What do you have to say about that?
I think big, see?
Bigger than you.
I'm gonna do big things,
and then I'm gonna write about 'em.
People will hang on my every word.
Yeah.
I'll be a crusading publisher
and make the world a better place...
like... like...
like Hugh Hefner!
Yeah.
[Jimmy Narrating]
Three heroes, three separate paths...
leading to one shared destiny...
to change the world,
to make history.
Today's the day it happens.
[Jimmy Narrating] You gotta figure...
people never see history coming.
It kinda just sneaks up on 'em...
like when the Chinese
bombed Pearl Harbor.
You're living your life.
Then, boom!
You're swept up in it.
[Clanking]
You again?
Look, you can save yourself
a trip down here.
The answer's always gonna be "No."
- But you don't even know the question.
- Let me guess.
"Can I have the C.I.A. files on Oswald?
"Can I have the F.B.I. files
on Martin Luther King?
Can I have the missing 18 minutes
of the Nixon tapes?"
It's called the
Freedom of Information Office.
So why isn't the information free?
Mr. Byers, as you can see,
I'm a very busy man.
Well, I won't take up
any more of your time.
Just give me this,
and I'll be on my way.
Unbelievable. One of your
F.O.I. requests actually went through.
I got the e-mail this morning.
Looks like you hit the jackpot.
That's mine?
So we're clear on this then, huh?
One more time?
Our new shredder policy...
let's hear it.
Paper, s?.
Coffee filters, no.
I'm watching you.
Thanks for the help, Baron.
Prince. I made crown prince
six hours ago.
- I'm almost king.
- [Fanfare]
Can you make those little guys
shoot at each other?
That's not the point, Jimmy.
This game isn't about violence.
It's about empire building.
I spent two solid weeks...
creating this medieval civilization
from the ground up.
And yet you're still
a 32-year-old virgin.
The irony.
[Doorbell Buzzes]
- [Grunts]
- Whoa!
You gotta lift it with your legs.
What's in the box?
Vindication.
It's from that pinhead clerk down at
the Freedom of Information Office.
That guy actually
coughed up the goods?
This must be every file I've ever
requested from the government.
Maybe the system does work.
Oh, yeah.
You gotta love that
civil servant sense of humor.
I keep telling you, Byers,
the F.O.I. 's a complete waste of time.
You gotta spy,
use subterfuge...
like the Bishop of Orange
is trying right now.
Busted, you Byzantine hack.
- There's something else in here.
- Yeah, it's junk. Would you clean this up?
And don't try to put the cinder block
through the shredder.
- Hey, cheer up, buddy.
- [Jimmy] You know, guys...
not every line of this is crossed off.
- I see some numbers, a name.
- It's junk.
Shred it.
- Here we go. The coronation of King Langly.
- (music) [Fanfare]
Two full weeks of alliance building
and backstabbing...
and now, finally,
I get to reap the benefits.
[Chuckles]
Funny name. Stan Mizer.
No!
[Panting]
[Screaming]
Please, baby.
Uh, so, this guy... Mizer...
[Beeping]
Can I talk now?
This guy... Mizer... who was he?
- Stan Mizer. He was an inventor.
- Or nut.
- Depends on who you ask.
- Legend has it,
he perfected a car that ran on water.
Legend nothing. He did it.
I saw it. I rode in it.
No one knows
what happened to the car.
It disappeared,
and Mizer refused to talk about it.
He died in, what, the mid-'70s?
Mm-hmm. I know somebody
threatened him. Big oil, most likely.
They'd do anything
to protect their interests.
So, what did the car look like?
A 1959 Studebaker Lark.
- Tail fins?
- No tail fins.
- Why?
- I don't know.
- What color was it?
- Sea foam green...
What... What the hell
does it matter what color it was?
Do you understand what
we're talking about here?
A car that ran on water,
not gasoline.
Same horsepower,
but zero pollution.
An endless supply of energy.
Can't you see how that
would've changed the world?
I definitely see how it would suck...
if we all had to drive
green Studebaker Larks.
Whoa!
Uh, Frohike.
We just had proof that the government
kept a file on Stan Mizer...
and maybe a clue as
to what happened to the car...
and this idiot shredded it!
You wouldn't even have known
about it if it hadn't been forJimmy.
They censored nearly everything.
Hey, look at this.
Pallet 62/67221.
What do you think?
Looks like some sort of shipping number.
Guess I could check it out.
You also have what seems
to be someone's initials.
"J. T."
So how do you think
that wound up in here anyway?
A fluke, I assume.
It stuck to the bottom
of the cinder block.
No. No fluke.
Fate.
That car is still out there somewhere.
I know it.
And we're gonna find it no matter
how hard they try to stop us.
Isn't this a bit dramatic?
Couldn't we have simply
spoken over the phone?
Actually, I find that face-to-face
yields better results.
Hmm.
I want to know
what you have for me.
Nothing yet.
Soon, hopefully.
Well, so much for face-to-face.
Do you ever think about dinosaurs?
No.
Can't say that I do.
It's amazing to think
that our entire world economy...
is based on them, you know?
As in over the last
hundred million years...
their remains have been geologically
transformed into crude oil?
- I suppose that's true.
- Actually...
when I say dinosaurs,
I'm referring to the oil companies.
As in,
"Though huge and lumbering...
we have sharp teeth."
As I said, I have nothing yet.
When I do,
you'll be the first to hear.
[Camera Shutter Clicking]
Well, the last name's still up.
Stan's daughter Shelly
lives here now.
Hopefully, she won't remember me.
What do you mean?
I came here in the mid-'80s.
She wouldn't let me look
at her old man's files.
I maybe got a little bit carried away
when the cops came.
Started yelling "Attica."
She probably won't remember.
[Ringing]
[Dogs Barking In Distance]
I don't like it.
It's too quiet.
I think we're being watched.
[Gasping]
We're onto you, you son of a bitch!
[Whispering]
Frohike!
I'm very sorry.
Oh, no.
You! Get out ofhere!
Just hold it before
you call the cops again.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Would you just look at this? It's a government
document that mentions your father.
I'd like to report a breaking-and-entering.
Yeah, I'll hold.
Your father was a great man.
To me, he was Prometheus
trying to bring fire to the mortals.
And I'm gonna ensure that his work
sees the light of day no matter what.
Now, are you gonna help me?
- [Beeping]
- Aah!
[Sighs]
That's it, man.
I left it all in the field.
There's no record of
this pallet 62/67221 anywhere.
I cracked into every
data cache I can think of.
D.O.D., Department of Energy, the oil
and car companies, government warehouses.
- That number just isn't out there.
- Did you try the Internet?
Yes. I even tried the Internet.
Here's what I don't get.
Frohike's really, really into this car.
And then,
this thing shows up about the car.
That seems pretty lucky.
Yeah, it's lucky.
There's no F.O.I. stamp on this thing.
Every last damn scrap of paper
in that office gets a stamp.
Jimmy, it's a plant!
You've been a tremendous
amount of help.
Not a problem.
There was a young woman
who was just here.
- What did she want?
- What's it to you?
She was looking for a car.
And I would appreciate it if you could
tell me everything you know about it.
Look. I didn't see a ring on her finger.
So whoever you are,
I don't have to tell you anything.
That government monkey tells us where
this came from, or we kick his ass.
Agreed?
[Clanking]
- Oh, man.
- [Gagging]
Personally, I think
you're as nuts as he was.
But, have at it.
These are your father's files.
His files, his grocery receipts,
his giant ball of tinfoil.
Knock yourselves out.
And-And you're sure you don't
recognize the initials "J.T."?
[Sighs]
Good grief.
Hey, man. To me,
this is... this is Valhalla.
This is a journey into
the brain of a genius.
[Cell Phone Ringing]
Byers.
Who got murdered?
The clerk at the F.O.I.,
and I think I know who did it.
- Who?
- Well, three guesses.
She wears Ferrari-red lipstick,
and she uses an anagram to sign her name.
Yves? You're saying
Yves murdered the F.O.I. clerk?
The last name in the log book
is Leroy W. Deshavala.
- Rearrange the letters and it spells...
- Lee Harvey Oswald.
- Or Yves Adele Harlow.
- Yeah. I think she's after what we're after.
Only she's one step ahead of us.
- Gotta go.
- [Phone Beeps]
Hey, Yves's as devious as they come,
but I don't buy her as a killer.
Neither do I.
Nonetheless, she was there.
- And someone murdered that man.
- I wasn't overreacting.
We are onto something big.
We gotta watch our butts.
Help me out of here.
[Shelly]
What are you doing?
- Hey, hold on a sec.
- You having fun?
Shelly, what's that?
It's Dad's water-powered car.
The day I painted this
was probably the last time I saw it.
- You see that watermark?
- Mm-hmm.
- This is the back of a sheet of photo paper.
- I guess.
I used to paint
on anything I could find.
- That's your dad.
- Mmm.
Who's that man?
Mr. Guthrie.
That was Dad's best friend.
I used to play with his son
about a million years ago.
Byers, I think we just found J.T.
No one following at the moment.
- How are we doing?
- Almost there.
Guthrie's farm will be
on your left in seven miles.
So how do you know my dad?
You said he gave you a ride?
Yeah, it was 1962.
I was a kid, and I loved cars.
Drew pictures of them,
dreamed about them.
My pop and I were at this diner
outside of Pontiac, and I noticed your dad.
He takes his water glass,
opens up the hood ofhis car...
and pours the water
right into his carburetor.
It was the damnedest thing.
He took my pop and me for a ride.
Oh, how that engine purred.
Smooth as silk.
That afternoon was magical.
[Explosion]
Holy crap!
Someone's shooting at us!
Countermeasures!
Countermeasures!
God.
[Sighs]
Shelly, don't go out there!
You guys want to see where
your gunshot came from?
So, get a jack.
Let's go!
Um, we left ourjack at home...
to make room for
the night vision goggles.
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
Byers, see that piece of log over there?
Grab that.
Simple physics, guys.
Passenger side is higher, so the center
of gravity has shifted to the driver's side.
Won't be that hard for me
to lift the passenger's sidejust enough...
so that Byers can slide
the log under the axle.
Instant jack.
Uh, Langly, stay here with Jimmy.
Keep a lookout.
What? Why do I
gotta babysit Gigantor?
And try to keep him from
knocking the Earth out of its orbit.
[Cow Lowing]
- Oh, damn.
- It's just a cow.
It's not just a cow.
It's a nightmare I thought I escaped.
Okay.
Whatever it takes...
we gotta get
these people on our side.
Do not say anything stupid.
- Howdy.
- [Murmurs] Howdy.
- It's good to see ya.
- Yes, sir. Good to see you too.
So, is there anything
I should tell you boys?
Anything you need to know about, uh,J.T.?
Absolutely. Anything you could tell us
would be much appreciated.
- Well, uh...
- Uh, hold up.
Something's screwy.
How'd you know we were coming?
What? You're not the boys
that are here forJ.T.?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
We're-We're the boys.
No. No, wait.
I'm confused.
Look, are you or are you not here forJ.T.?
Because I don't take too kindly to trespassers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're-We're here forJ.T.
You are?
You're the experts from
the State Extension Office?
Yeah.
That's me.
Oh. Well, good then.
Could we please get on
with his rectal palpation?
All right, now.
J.T. is a mite sensitive.
- Take it easy.
- [Lowing]
Get on with it.
I haven't got all day.
Here.
- [Panting]
- [Lowing]
So, what do you think?
- Seminal vesiculitis?
- C-C-C-C-Could be.
[Lowing, Bellowing]
Hey, you, get up front here
and help me calm J.T. down.
Is this one of those new
genetic cow breeds?
She's got that one gigantic udder.
Uh, uh!
Now,J.T. is a bull, not a cow.
You grab him there, he's gonna kick
your friend right through that wall.
Oh, sweet Lord, take me now!
- [Weapon Cocks]
- So who are you boys really?
'Cause you don't know
a damn thing about livestock.
Are you from a collection agency?
- [Sobbing] Oh, God.
- Jason?
Jason Guthrie.
My God.
Shelly Mizer?
[Screaming]
Again. Hit me.
Yeah, "J.T."
Those are my dad's initials.
You call your bull "Dad"?
I call my bullJ.T.
in honor of my dad.
We bought him the same week
that Dad passed away.
- That was two months back.
- I'm sorry.
Mr. Guthrie,
anything you can tell us...
about your father
and his friend, Mr. Mizer...
or this document, anything at all...
Well, if Dad initialed it
and it's got a pallet number...
then I assume it's some sort
of air force material invoice.
- You said 1962?
- Yeah, that's when I figure it was.
Well, Dad was already
stationed at Biznot in '62.
At Biznot Air Force Base, just down
the road here. It's mostly shut down now...
- but Dad was quartermaster for the space wing.
- Missile command?
- Yeah.
- I.C.B.M.'s.
A lot of cold war paperwork
didn't make it onto the computers.
Explains why I couldn't
track down the pallet number.
We need to pay a covert visit
to that air base, take a look at their files.
Yeah, except none of us
exactly look like G.I. Joe.
[Chuckles]
I wouldn't say none of us do.
Bingo.
Freeze!
Face down on the floor!
Come on, buddy.
That's government property.
Turn that loose.
Sorry, buddy.
No can do.
[Male Voice]
You really are an oaf. You know that?
[Regular Voice]
I suppose half a document's better than none.
It is an air force material invoice
dated April 4, 1962.
The pallet weighed 2,981 pounds.
Sounds like the weight
of a 1959 Studebaker Lark.
But it doesn't say where it wound up.
Guess that's on the other half.
Well, I vote
we call the cops on her.
For doing what, exactly?
Murder.
What do you think?
That dead Freedom of Information clerk
thatJimmy and I found.
- The one you paid a little visit to.
- What are you saying? He's dead?
You didn't know?
It must've been the guy
who hired me to find the car.
Who is this guy you're working for?
What's his story?
His name is Henry Farst.
He's with the petroleum industry.
Apparently, he wants the car
badly enough to kill for it.
And I'm not working for him. I only took
his money. But I guess he knows that now.
[Byers]
The murdered clerk...
he gave me this...
censored version of the invoice.
- He gave you one too?
- He was a wonderful source of information.
You had him give me this.
In a box with a cinder block.
Why?
She knew about
my interest in the car.
She gave us her lead to see
where we'd run with it...
so that we'd do all the work,
and she'd take all the profit.
As usual.
Except not this time.
Oh, no?
You forget...
I already know where the car is.
I don't mind sharing.
There's enough billions to go around
on this one, as well as danger.
Regular meetin' in here.
This is it.
"Storage room 4, Silo C."
Silo? Wound up on a farm?
That could be an I.C.B.M. silo,
Biznot Air Base.
As quartermaster, your father
shipped the greatest invention...
of our lifetime
to the most secure spot on Earth.
The bottom of a nuclear missile silo.
[Lowing]
Quiet there,J.T.
I was starting to think
you weren't coming.
I figured it was smarter
to wait till everyone was asleep.
Mmm.
You don't look very happy.
But you should know that
you are doing the right thing.
That'll save the old homestead.
[Honking]
Come on! Come on!
- We gotta go! We gotta get to the silo!
- Why? What's the hurry?
- This.
- [Byers] They're being blown up?
- Today as in today?
- Today as in get in the damn van!
[Whistle Blowing]
- (music) [Sousa March]
- [Cheering]
- (music) [Sousa March]
- [Cheering]
- [Byers] Storage rooms are on the lower level.
- [Frohike] Easy, boys.
- These walls are wired to blow.
- [Langly] How low can you go?
- How are we doing for time?
- Not good. Hurry it up.
[Langly]
This place is like a maze.
[Byers]
So pick your poison.
[Frohike]
This way.
Hey, guys.
This is it.
- [Man] You all set?
- [Horn Sounds]
Gentlemen, get out of there.
Do you hear me? Get...
[Transmission Wavering]
Yves?
Yves, you're breaking up.
There's nothing down there.
Farst has the car.
Do you hear me?
[Yves Continues, Garbled]
This has gotta be it.
[Horn Sounding]
[Crowd]
Ten! Nine! Eight!
Seven!
- Byers, Frohike...
- Run for it!
[Yves] That concrete you're trying
to dig through is nine feet thick.
[Sobbing]
It doesn't matter.
It's reinforced with hardened steel.
It's designed to withstand
a nuclear blast.
It doesn't matter. You pound anything
long enough, it'll give.
Jimmy, stop.
It's pointless.
I love those guys.
Jimmy.
Jimmy!
Aw, man!
- Aah!
- All right, already!
Don't make me sorry I lived.
- How'd you get out?
- We crawled through a ventilation shaft.
It, uh, surfaced about
a half a mile that way.
Underneath a Port-A-John.
- Guys, this is wonderful.
- Yeah. Whoop-dee-doo. We didn't get the car.
Where did your oil company
creep take it, anyway?
You think if I knew that,
I'd be standing here?
[Frohike]
Yeah. But what I wanna know is...
how did he find out where it was?
I took it to the bank
this morning to deposit it.
I grabbed it right back
out of the teller's hand.
I couldn't help thinking
I was doing something terrible.
If anyone should get this,
it's you, Shelly.
It's for your dad's invention.
I'm just sorry it's not more.
You three almost got
yourselves killed today.
I had no idea
you'd go so far for this.
I'd do it again in a minute.
Then I guess I have a confession to make
before you go and do something even stupider.
My father's car is here.
- Here where?
- Here here?
I looked around this morning
and found it out here.
Well, this is it. I remember
this attachment on the carburetor...
this extra hose.
- What is it doing out here?
- [Guthrie] I thought it was junk.
It's been sittin' here
for 20, 30 years.
I wanted to have it hauled away,
but Dad wouldn't let anyone touch it.
Uh, wait. If this is
the real water-powered car...
then what did the oil company guy
drive off with?
A decoy, apparently.
Your father put a decoy in the silo.
Your dad made a vow
to my dad...
to hide this car and never
tell anyone about it.
This is it.
It's wonderful.
And now we have to destroy it.
What the hell
are you talking about?
It's what my father really wanted...
only he couldn't
bring himself to do it.
- He knew the world shouldn't have this.
- Why not?
Why on earth shouldn't there be a cheap,
pollution-free alternative to gasoline?
Think what it would do
for the global economy.
- Send it through the roof.
- Precisely.
Lead to a huge development boom
throughout the world.
- Damn straight.
- It'd mean more people driving cars.
More people building
more places to go in those cars.
More people.
More consumption.
More trees cut down.
More roads laid in.
And what do you pave roads with,
by the way?
Oil. The same oil you use
to lubricate a water-powered car.
The same oil that goes into
all the plastics...
that make the taillights,
the bumpers, the tires...
and just about everything else
on the planet these days.
And we'd have 400 million cars
on the road instead of 200 million.
It doesn't sound like Utopia to me.
- I think you're overstating it.
- [Chuckles]
It wouldn't happen overnight,
but it would happen.
And my father couldn't bear
to be responsible for that.
You're forgetting something.
We're running out of oil.
This invention is what's going
to keep us from going back...
to horse-drawn carriages.
- You don't wanna destroy the car?
- Absolutely not.
I wanna give it to the world
and make billions off of it.
Unfortunately,
there are a lot of witnesses.
That's your plan?
You actually believe...
you're going to shoot
every last one of us?
Well, for what it's worth,
you're the only one I'm going to enjoy.
[Bellowing]
[Lowing]
(music) [Woman Singing Folk-Rock]
- (music) [Fades]
- [Jimmy Narrating]
So that's how history is made.
Not the kind ofhistory you read
in books or Peter Graves tells you on TV.
I'm talking history
no one even knows about.
Except it happened.
It changed the world by not
changing the world, if you follow me.
And sometimes, maybe not
changing the world is a good thing.
And what about
that water-powered car?
Obviously, you don't have one
in your driveway.
So you know it didn't
wind up in Detroit.
But it didn't get destroyed either.
It's still out there...
waiting for a day when smart people
of integrity get together...
and figure out a way to
use it for the benefit of all mankind.
Kind oflike the atom bomb.
That's because three heroes
knew when not to act.
But for one shining moment,
one brief afternoon...
it was magical.
(music) [Continues]
(music) [Ends]
[Child]
I made this!
[Jimmy Narrating]
Heroes.
Once in a great while, they come along
when we need them the most...
like President Churchill,
who won World War II...
and Ghandi,
peaceful leader of the Indians.
Or, as we know them,
Native Americans.
The thing about heroes is...
you can just never tell where
the next crop is gonna come from...
and you don't always
recognize them at first sight.
When I grow up, I wanna be a singer
just like Dolly Parton.
I wanna be rich and famous
and have big...
When I grow up,
I wanna be the star quarterback...
for the Redskins,
and be rich and famous.
Rich and famous.
Famous and, um...
When I grow up, I want to be a career
bureaucrat with the federal government.
I wanna help
as many people as I can...
and work hard to spread
democracy throughout the world.
- [Lowing]
- [Typing]
Ringo, you're supposed
to be milking.
I told you.
Typing is for secretaries.
That damn fool toy
is going on the junk pile.
Let me tell you something
about this damn fool toy, Dad.
This damn fool toy
is gonna change everything...
from the way people do business
to the way we communicate.
This damn fool toy is the future.
And you know what else?
By the year 2000...
when I've made millions of dollars
off this damn fool toy...
we'll all eat food pills
like on Star Trek...
and we won't need cows anymore.
[Cattle Lowing]
- Say it!
- [Grunting]
Say it!
The Cutlass 442 is faster
than the Belvedere GTX, all right?
Damn straight. Some captain
of the football team you are.
You're a shrimp.
You'll always be a shrimp...
shrimp.
What do you have to say about that?
I think big, see?
Bigger than you.
I'm gonna do big things,
and then I'm gonna write about 'em.
People will hang on my every word.
Yeah.
I'll be a crusading publisher
and make the world a better place...
like... like...
like Hugh Hefner!
Yeah.
[Jimmy Narrating]
Three heroes, three separate paths...
leading to one shared destiny...
to change the world,
to make history.
Today's the day it happens.
[Jimmy Narrating] You gotta figure...
people never see history coming.
It kinda just sneaks up on 'em...
like when the Chinese
bombed Pearl Harbor.
You're living your life.
Then, boom!
You're swept up in it.
[Clanking]
You again?
Look, you can save yourself
a trip down here.
The answer's always gonna be "No."
- But you don't even know the question.
- Let me guess.
"Can I have the C.I.A. files on Oswald?
"Can I have the F.B.I. files
on Martin Luther King?
Can I have the missing 18 minutes
of the Nixon tapes?"
It's called the
Freedom of Information Office.
So why isn't the information free?
Mr. Byers, as you can see,
I'm a very busy man.
Well, I won't take up
any more of your time.
Just give me this,
and I'll be on my way.
Unbelievable. One of your
F.O.I. requests actually went through.
I got the e-mail this morning.
Looks like you hit the jackpot.
That's mine?
So we're clear on this then, huh?
One more time?
Our new shredder policy...
let's hear it.
Paper, s?.
Coffee filters, no.
I'm watching you.
Thanks for the help, Baron.
Prince. I made crown prince
six hours ago.
- I'm almost king.
- [Fanfare]
Can you make those little guys
shoot at each other?
That's not the point, Jimmy.
This game isn't about violence.
It's about empire building.
I spent two solid weeks...
creating this medieval civilization
from the ground up.
And yet you're still
a 32-year-old virgin.
The irony.
[Doorbell Buzzes]
- [Grunts]
- Whoa!
You gotta lift it with your legs.
What's in the box?
Vindication.
It's from that pinhead clerk down at
the Freedom of Information Office.
That guy actually
coughed up the goods?
This must be every file I've ever
requested from the government.
Maybe the system does work.
Oh, yeah.
You gotta love that
civil servant sense of humor.
I keep telling you, Byers,
the F.O.I. 's a complete waste of time.
You gotta spy,
use subterfuge...
like the Bishop of Orange
is trying right now.
Busted, you Byzantine hack.
- There's something else in here.
- Yeah, it's junk. Would you clean this up?
And don't try to put the cinder block
through the shredder.
- Hey, cheer up, buddy.
- [Jimmy] You know, guys...
not every line of this is crossed off.
- I see some numbers, a name.
- It's junk.
Shred it.
- Here we go. The coronation of King Langly.
- (music) [Fanfare]
Two full weeks of alliance building
and backstabbing...
and now, finally,
I get to reap the benefits.
[Chuckles]
Funny name. Stan Mizer.
No!
[Panting]
[Screaming]
Please, baby.
Uh, so, this guy... Mizer...
[Beeping]
Can I talk now?
This guy... Mizer... who was he?
- Stan Mizer. He was an inventor.
- Or nut.
- Depends on who you ask.
- Legend has it,
he perfected a car that ran on water.
Legend nothing. He did it.
I saw it. I rode in it.
No one knows
what happened to the car.
It disappeared,
and Mizer refused to talk about it.
He died in, what, the mid-'70s?
Mm-hmm. I know somebody
threatened him. Big oil, most likely.
They'd do anything
to protect their interests.
So, what did the car look like?
A 1959 Studebaker Lark.
- Tail fins?
- No tail fins.
- Why?
- I don't know.
- What color was it?
- Sea foam green...
What... What the hell
does it matter what color it was?
Do you understand what
we're talking about here?
A car that ran on water,
not gasoline.
Same horsepower,
but zero pollution.
An endless supply of energy.
Can't you see how that
would've changed the world?
I definitely see how it would suck...
if we all had to drive
green Studebaker Larks.
Whoa!
Uh, Frohike.
We just had proof that the government
kept a file on Stan Mizer...
and maybe a clue as
to what happened to the car...
and this idiot shredded it!
You wouldn't even have known
about it if it hadn't been forJimmy.
They censored nearly everything.
Hey, look at this.
Pallet 62/67221.
What do you think?
Looks like some sort of shipping number.
Guess I could check it out.
You also have what seems
to be someone's initials.
"J. T."
So how do you think
that wound up in here anyway?
A fluke, I assume.
It stuck to the bottom
of the cinder block.
No. No fluke.
Fate.
That car is still out there somewhere.
I know it.
And we're gonna find it no matter
how hard they try to stop us.
Isn't this a bit dramatic?
Couldn't we have simply
spoken over the phone?
Actually, I find that face-to-face
yields better results.
Hmm.
I want to know
what you have for me.
Nothing yet.
Soon, hopefully.
Well, so much for face-to-face.
Do you ever think about dinosaurs?
No.
Can't say that I do.
It's amazing to think
that our entire world economy...
is based on them, you know?
As in over the last
hundred million years...
their remains have been geologically
transformed into crude oil?
- I suppose that's true.
- Actually...
when I say dinosaurs,
I'm referring to the oil companies.
As in,
"Though huge and lumbering...
we have sharp teeth."
As I said, I have nothing yet.
When I do,
you'll be the first to hear.
[Camera Shutter Clicking]
Well, the last name's still up.
Stan's daughter Shelly
lives here now.
Hopefully, she won't remember me.
What do you mean?
I came here in the mid-'80s.
She wouldn't let me look
at her old man's files.
I maybe got a little bit carried away
when the cops came.
Started yelling "Attica."
She probably won't remember.
[Ringing]
[Dogs Barking In Distance]
I don't like it.
It's too quiet.
I think we're being watched.
[Gasping]
We're onto you, you son of a bitch!
[Whispering]
Frohike!
I'm very sorry.
Oh, no.
You! Get out ofhere!
Just hold it before
you call the cops again.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Would you just look at this? It's a government
document that mentions your father.
I'd like to report a breaking-and-entering.
Yeah, I'll hold.
Your father was a great man.
To me, he was Prometheus
trying to bring fire to the mortals.
And I'm gonna ensure that his work
sees the light of day no matter what.
Now, are you gonna help me?
- [Beeping]
- Aah!
[Sighs]
That's it, man.
I left it all in the field.
There's no record of
this pallet 62/67221 anywhere.
I cracked into every
data cache I can think of.
D.O.D., Department of Energy, the oil
and car companies, government warehouses.
- That number just isn't out there.
- Did you try the Internet?
Yes. I even tried the Internet.
Here's what I don't get.
Frohike's really, really into this car.
And then,
this thing shows up about the car.
That seems pretty lucky.
Yeah, it's lucky.
There's no F.O.I. stamp on this thing.
Every last damn scrap of paper
in that office gets a stamp.
Jimmy, it's a plant!
You've been a tremendous
amount of help.
Not a problem.
There was a young woman
who was just here.
- What did she want?
- What's it to you?
She was looking for a car.
And I would appreciate it if you could
tell me everything you know about it.
Look. I didn't see a ring on her finger.
So whoever you are,
I don't have to tell you anything.
That government monkey tells us where
this came from, or we kick his ass.
Agreed?
[Clanking]
- Oh, man.
- [Gagging]
Personally, I think
you're as nuts as he was.
But, have at it.
These are your father's files.
His files, his grocery receipts,
his giant ball of tinfoil.
Knock yourselves out.
And-And you're sure you don't
recognize the initials "J.T."?
[Sighs]
Good grief.
Hey, man. To me,
this is... this is Valhalla.
This is a journey into
the brain of a genius.
[Cell Phone Ringing]
Byers.
Who got murdered?
The clerk at the F.O.I.,
and I think I know who did it.
- Who?
- Well, three guesses.
She wears Ferrari-red lipstick,
and she uses an anagram to sign her name.
Yves? You're saying
Yves murdered the F.O.I. clerk?
The last name in the log book
is Leroy W. Deshavala.
- Rearrange the letters and it spells...
- Lee Harvey Oswald.
- Or Yves Adele Harlow.
- Yeah. I think she's after what we're after.
Only she's one step ahead of us.
- Gotta go.
- [Phone Beeps]
Hey, Yves's as devious as they come,
but I don't buy her as a killer.
Neither do I.
Nonetheless, she was there.
- And someone murdered that man.
- I wasn't overreacting.
We are onto something big.
We gotta watch our butts.
Help me out of here.
[Shelly]
What are you doing?
- Hey, hold on a sec.
- You having fun?
Shelly, what's that?
It's Dad's water-powered car.
The day I painted this
was probably the last time I saw it.
- You see that watermark?
- Mm-hmm.
- This is the back of a sheet of photo paper.
- I guess.
I used to paint
on anything I could find.
- That's your dad.
- Mmm.
Who's that man?
Mr. Guthrie.
That was Dad's best friend.
I used to play with his son
about a million years ago.
Byers, I think we just found J.T.
No one following at the moment.
- How are we doing?
- Almost there.
Guthrie's farm will be
on your left in seven miles.
So how do you know my dad?
You said he gave you a ride?
Yeah, it was 1962.
I was a kid, and I loved cars.
Drew pictures of them,
dreamed about them.
My pop and I were at this diner
outside of Pontiac, and I noticed your dad.
He takes his water glass,
opens up the hood ofhis car...
and pours the water
right into his carburetor.
It was the damnedest thing.
He took my pop and me for a ride.
Oh, how that engine purred.
Smooth as silk.
That afternoon was magical.
[Explosion]
Holy crap!
Someone's shooting at us!
Countermeasures!
Countermeasures!
God.
[Sighs]
Shelly, don't go out there!
You guys want to see where
your gunshot came from?
So, get a jack.
Let's go!
Um, we left ourjack at home...
to make room for
the night vision goggles.
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
Byers, see that piece of log over there?
Grab that.
Simple physics, guys.
Passenger side is higher, so the center
of gravity has shifted to the driver's side.
Won't be that hard for me
to lift the passenger's sidejust enough...
so that Byers can slide
the log under the axle.
Instant jack.
Uh, Langly, stay here with Jimmy.
Keep a lookout.
What? Why do I
gotta babysit Gigantor?
And try to keep him from
knocking the Earth out of its orbit.
[Cow Lowing]
- Oh, damn.
- It's just a cow.
It's not just a cow.
It's a nightmare I thought I escaped.
Okay.
Whatever it takes...
we gotta get
these people on our side.
Do not say anything stupid.
- Howdy.
- [Murmurs] Howdy.
- It's good to see ya.
- Yes, sir. Good to see you too.
So, is there anything
I should tell you boys?
Anything you need to know about, uh,J.T.?
Absolutely. Anything you could tell us
would be much appreciated.
- Well, uh...
- Uh, hold up.
Something's screwy.
How'd you know we were coming?
What? You're not the boys
that are here forJ.T.?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
We're-We're the boys.
No. No, wait.
I'm confused.
Look, are you or are you not here forJ.T.?
Because I don't take too kindly to trespassers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're-We're here forJ.T.
You are?
You're the experts from
the State Extension Office?
Yeah.
That's me.
Oh. Well, good then.
Could we please get on
with his rectal palpation?
All right, now.
J.T. is a mite sensitive.
- Take it easy.
- [Lowing]
Get on with it.
I haven't got all day.
Here.
- [Panting]
- [Lowing]
So, what do you think?
- Seminal vesiculitis?
- C-C-C-C-Could be.
[Lowing, Bellowing]
Hey, you, get up front here
and help me calm J.T. down.
Is this one of those new
genetic cow breeds?
She's got that one gigantic udder.
Uh, uh!
Now,J.T. is a bull, not a cow.
You grab him there, he's gonna kick
your friend right through that wall.
Oh, sweet Lord, take me now!
- [Weapon Cocks]
- So who are you boys really?
'Cause you don't know
a damn thing about livestock.
Are you from a collection agency?
- [Sobbing] Oh, God.
- Jason?
Jason Guthrie.
My God.
Shelly Mizer?
[Screaming]
Again. Hit me.
Yeah, "J.T."
Those are my dad's initials.
You call your bull "Dad"?
I call my bullJ.T.
in honor of my dad.
We bought him the same week
that Dad passed away.
- That was two months back.
- I'm sorry.
Mr. Guthrie,
anything you can tell us...
about your father
and his friend, Mr. Mizer...
or this document, anything at all...
Well, if Dad initialed it
and it's got a pallet number...
then I assume it's some sort
of air force material invoice.
- You said 1962?
- Yeah, that's when I figure it was.
Well, Dad was already
stationed at Biznot in '62.
At Biznot Air Force Base, just down
the road here. It's mostly shut down now...
- but Dad was quartermaster for the space wing.
- Missile command?
- Yeah.
- I.C.B.M.'s.
A lot of cold war paperwork
didn't make it onto the computers.
Explains why I couldn't
track down the pallet number.
We need to pay a covert visit
to that air base, take a look at their files.
Yeah, except none of us
exactly look like G.I. Joe.
[Chuckles]
I wouldn't say none of us do.
Bingo.
Freeze!
Face down on the floor!
Come on, buddy.
That's government property.
Turn that loose.
Sorry, buddy.
No can do.
[Male Voice]
You really are an oaf. You know that?
[Regular Voice]
I suppose half a document's better than none.
It is an air force material invoice
dated April 4, 1962.
The pallet weighed 2,981 pounds.
Sounds like the weight
of a 1959 Studebaker Lark.
But it doesn't say where it wound up.
Guess that's on the other half.
Well, I vote
we call the cops on her.
For doing what, exactly?
Murder.
What do you think?
That dead Freedom of Information clerk
thatJimmy and I found.
- The one you paid a little visit to.
- What are you saying? He's dead?
You didn't know?
It must've been the guy
who hired me to find the car.
Who is this guy you're working for?
What's his story?
His name is Henry Farst.
He's with the petroleum industry.
Apparently, he wants the car
badly enough to kill for it.
And I'm not working for him. I only took
his money. But I guess he knows that now.
[Byers]
The murdered clerk...
he gave me this...
censored version of the invoice.
- He gave you one too?
- He was a wonderful source of information.
You had him give me this.
In a box with a cinder block.
Why?
She knew about
my interest in the car.
She gave us her lead to see
where we'd run with it...
so that we'd do all the work,
and she'd take all the profit.
As usual.
Except not this time.
Oh, no?
You forget...
I already know where the car is.
I don't mind sharing.
There's enough billions to go around
on this one, as well as danger.
Regular meetin' in here.
This is it.
"Storage room 4, Silo C."
Silo? Wound up on a farm?
That could be an I.C.B.M. silo,
Biznot Air Base.
As quartermaster, your father
shipped the greatest invention...
of our lifetime
to the most secure spot on Earth.
The bottom of a nuclear missile silo.
[Lowing]
Quiet there,J.T.
I was starting to think
you weren't coming.
I figured it was smarter
to wait till everyone was asleep.
Mmm.
You don't look very happy.
But you should know that
you are doing the right thing.
That'll save the old homestead.
[Honking]
Come on! Come on!
- We gotta go! We gotta get to the silo!
- Why? What's the hurry?
- This.
- [Byers] They're being blown up?
- Today as in today?
- Today as in get in the damn van!
[Whistle Blowing]
- (music) [Sousa March]
- [Cheering]
- (music) [Sousa March]
- [Cheering]
- [Byers] Storage rooms are on the lower level.
- [Frohike] Easy, boys.
- These walls are wired to blow.
- [Langly] How low can you go?
- How are we doing for time?
- Not good. Hurry it up.
[Langly]
This place is like a maze.
[Byers]
So pick your poison.
[Frohike]
This way.
Hey, guys.
This is it.
- [Man] You all set?
- [Horn Sounds]
Gentlemen, get out of there.
Do you hear me? Get...
[Transmission Wavering]
Yves?
Yves, you're breaking up.
There's nothing down there.
Farst has the car.
Do you hear me?
[Yves Continues, Garbled]
This has gotta be it.
[Horn Sounding]
[Crowd]
Ten! Nine! Eight!
Seven!
- Byers, Frohike...
- Run for it!
[Yves] That concrete you're trying
to dig through is nine feet thick.
[Sobbing]
It doesn't matter.
It's reinforced with hardened steel.
It's designed to withstand
a nuclear blast.
It doesn't matter. You pound anything
long enough, it'll give.
Jimmy, stop.
It's pointless.
I love those guys.
Jimmy.
Jimmy!
Aw, man!
- Aah!
- All right, already!
Don't make me sorry I lived.
- How'd you get out?
- We crawled through a ventilation shaft.
It, uh, surfaced about
a half a mile that way.
Underneath a Port-A-John.
- Guys, this is wonderful.
- Yeah. Whoop-dee-doo. We didn't get the car.
Where did your oil company
creep take it, anyway?
You think if I knew that,
I'd be standing here?
[Frohike]
Yeah. But what I wanna know is...
how did he find out where it was?
I took it to the bank
this morning to deposit it.
I grabbed it right back
out of the teller's hand.
I couldn't help thinking
I was doing something terrible.
If anyone should get this,
it's you, Shelly.
It's for your dad's invention.
I'm just sorry it's not more.
You three almost got
yourselves killed today.
I had no idea
you'd go so far for this.
I'd do it again in a minute.
Then I guess I have a confession to make
before you go and do something even stupider.
My father's car is here.
- Here where?
- Here here?
I looked around this morning
and found it out here.
Well, this is it. I remember
this attachment on the carburetor...
this extra hose.
- What is it doing out here?
- [Guthrie] I thought it was junk.
It's been sittin' here
for 20, 30 years.
I wanted to have it hauled away,
but Dad wouldn't let anyone touch it.
Uh, wait. If this is
the real water-powered car...
then what did the oil company guy
drive off with?
A decoy, apparently.
Your father put a decoy in the silo.
Your dad made a vow
to my dad...
to hide this car and never
tell anyone about it.
This is it.
It's wonderful.
And now we have to destroy it.
What the hell
are you talking about?
It's what my father really wanted...
only he couldn't
bring himself to do it.
- He knew the world shouldn't have this.
- Why not?
Why on earth shouldn't there be a cheap,
pollution-free alternative to gasoline?
Think what it would do
for the global economy.
- Send it through the roof.
- Precisely.
Lead to a huge development boom
throughout the world.
- Damn straight.
- It'd mean more people driving cars.
More people building
more places to go in those cars.
More people.
More consumption.
More trees cut down.
More roads laid in.
And what do you pave roads with,
by the way?
Oil. The same oil you use
to lubricate a water-powered car.
The same oil that goes into
all the plastics...
that make the taillights,
the bumpers, the tires...
and just about everything else
on the planet these days.
And we'd have 400 million cars
on the road instead of 200 million.
It doesn't sound like Utopia to me.
- I think you're overstating it.
- [Chuckles]
It wouldn't happen overnight,
but it would happen.
And my father couldn't bear
to be responsible for that.
You're forgetting something.
We're running out of oil.
This invention is what's going
to keep us from going back...
to horse-drawn carriages.
- You don't wanna destroy the car?
- Absolutely not.
I wanna give it to the world
and make billions off of it.
Unfortunately,
there are a lot of witnesses.
That's your plan?
You actually believe...
you're going to shoot
every last one of us?
Well, for what it's worth,
you're the only one I'm going to enjoy.
[Bellowing]
[Lowing]
(music) [Woman Singing Folk-Rock]
- (music) [Fades]
- [Jimmy Narrating]
So that's how history is made.
Not the kind ofhistory you read
in books or Peter Graves tells you on TV.
I'm talking history
no one even knows about.
Except it happened.
It changed the world by not
changing the world, if you follow me.
And sometimes, maybe not
changing the world is a good thing.
And what about
that water-powered car?
Obviously, you don't have one
in your driveway.
So you know it didn't
wind up in Detroit.
But it didn't get destroyed either.
It's still out there...
waiting for a day when smart people
of integrity get together...
and figure out a way to
use it for the benefit of all mankind.
Kind oflike the atom bomb.
That's because three heroes
knew when not to act.
But for one shining moment,
one brief afternoon...
it was magical.
(music) [Continues]
(music) [Ends]
[Child]
I made this!