The Life & Times of Tim (2008–2012): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Well Dressed Snitch/Pray for the Jets - full transcript
Tim is invited to pose for 'GQ'; The debt-ridden priest for the NY Jets asks Tim to place wagers on his behalf.
♪ Now you're looking at a man
that's getting kinda mad ♪
♪ I had lots of luck
but it's all been bad ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive ♪
♪ my fishing pole's broke,
the creek is full of sand ♪
♪ my woman ran away with another man ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
Look who brought a bottle of wine.
Hey!
Yay, you made it.
Hey.
Everything looks great.
- Oh, thank you.
- Give me a hug, little lady.
Oh, Tim.
Seriously?
Seriously? What's wrong?
You don't want a hug?
My invite said semi-formal.
Is that semi-formal?
Of course.
I'm wearing my jacket.
You're wearing it over
jeans and a t-shirt.
- Look around at everyone else.
- That's the look.
The look of what?
Corey Feldman?
Didn't you see the eVite, bro?
Semi-formal.
I saw it.
I bought this jacket for the event.
- When? In 2003?
- Yeah.
Oh my God.
Nailed it.
I've seen you wear this
outfit before, by the way.
- Holy shit.
- You wore this at my barbecue last year.
You played wiffle ball in this outfit.
- Buddy, I remember that.
- Julie.
You slid into home and did
a poop in your shorts.
Does anyone have a pair
of pants I can borrow?
- Wow.
- Nobody has pants to lend me?
Why would people bring
two pairs of pants to a party?
I try. I try
attend these things.
- I try to have fun.
- But you don't try, Tim.
I put the jacket on.
I do the whole thing.
Honestly, when I saw
this pretty girl walk in,
I thought the taxi guy that brought
her here was walking her in.
Wearing an amazing blazer.
Oh, Julie, you can suck my cock.
- What?
- Oh hey. Sorry.
I'm on your side.
A sharp jacket dresses up...
- ...Any outfit.
- It's a bold choice to make.
Without the jacket you're
just another homeless guy.
- But you know how to put it together...
- Thank you.
- ...and look nice with it.
- Thank you.
Hey, did I hear someone say
that you worked at Omnicorp?
Yeah, I do.
I'm a junior V.P., actually.
How old are you?
Like 21?
- 25. - Are you like one of those
geniuses or something?
- Similar.
- Are you like a Mensa genius?
- Similar.
- Wow, I didn't know this was gonna be this kind of party.
Look, this might be presumptuous but,
would you be interested in
doing a photo shoot for "GQ"?
- You joking?
- I am putting together a piece on the face
of young corporate America.
Regular guys looking sharp,
redefining business wear.
Just exactly like you are
right standing in front
of me right now.
It's amazing.
The best night of my life.
Let me get your details
and I'm out of here.
That's fantastic.
Here's a card.
Wow.
People still have cards.
- So cute too.
- Hey, there you are.
Guess what? Yours truly here was
just asked to pose for "GQ."
Why-- what?
- What do you mean?
- Surprising turn of events, no?
Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
You will see it
and you will believe it.
If you say so.
Hate to say suck on that,
but why don't you suck on that?
I just can't understand why
they'd be more interested
in you than someone like me--
handsome, accomplished.
They're calliing for me this time.
But you're not
"good to look at."
A lot of people-- a lot of
people think I'm great looking.
Like who?
List a couple.
I don't have names
off the top of my head.
Just throw out a name.
- Janet.
- Who's Janet?
- Sue.
- That name just kind of--
people think I'm good looking.
That's the bottom line.
Listen, it's not to knock you.
It's just that the gist of the article
is the face of young
corporate America.
They want guys who are
skyrocketing to the top.
So you're trying to suggest
that I'm not young.
I mean I'm younger than you,
wouldn't you think?
- Can I just have permission?
- Yes, go. Do it.
But listen, if they change their minds
I'll be lurking awkwardly
near the shoot at all times.
I would expect nothing less.
- This is happening.
- You're gonna be in good hands.
This is Maxie right here.
He's gonna photograph you.
And I'll be around if you need me.
- Sounds good.
- Yeah, break a leg.
- So you're Max?
- Hey, shut it!
It's Maxie.
You heard him say Maxie, right?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Okay, so don't call me Max.
Max is a name for, like, butchers.
- Oh.
- Or like a dog you see on the street
that somebody's yelling at for
taking a shit all over the place.
Wow.
Maxie it is.
So which one of these outfits
is speaking to you, Tim?
I was gonna say something.
None of these are really my style.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh my God, did I mess up?
- Are you gonna insult me? I can see it coming.
- No.
It's just I didn't realize
when you came in here
in, like, dollar a pound clothes
that that was something
you thought was style.
I'm just saying I can't
pull off some of these looks.
Tim, I'm about to do you the
biggest favor in your whole life.
- Oh really? What are you doing?
- Yup.
- Trust me.
- Hey, no no. Please.
Say goodbye to the old you, Tim. Boom!
It would have been better if the
clothes had gone down the toilet.
- You get the point.
- Do I?
Here we go, Tim.
This is the new secret weapon
of your fashion arsenal--
a chunky scarf.
Chunky scarf?
I can't wear a chunky scarf.
- Chunky scarf.
- They're gonna make fun of me.
Shut your stupid face hole
and put this chunky scarf on.
All right, guys.
You look a little bit more
confused than normal.
Let me explain.
"GQ" is here.
There's a photo shoot.
- Everybody cooperate.
- What are they photographing?
There's really no better
way to say this--
- Tim.
- Tim?
- Tim.
- That's bullshit.
- I know.
- He's the worst dressed person here.
Stan, I have it duly noted.
Seriously. I mean I'm friends
with the guy, but "GQ"? Come on.
Hey.
- Wow.
- Whoa.
Wow good or wow bad?
Tim, you look great.
Nice. You're not gonna
make fun of the scarf?
No, I was actually going to the pants.
Your butt looks really good in those.
- Looks nice?
- Super flattering.
- Nice curve to it?
- Yeah, I like the way it cups.
- I'd cook muffins for you.
- Is that a euphemism?
I would do reverse Asian
cowgirl with you right now.
Took it a little far, but this is exciting.
All right, let's shoot this.
How's this?
How's this?
- Tim, okay. Look...
- You getting what you need?
- No, Tim, I'm not.
- You like this?
Because every time I take a picture of
you it looks like you just had a fart
and you think something
wet came out. Okay?
That's the face you're making.
You don't like the hands-
in-the-pockets pose?
I don't like the hands in the pockets,
I don't like the clenched butt,
I don't like how much you're sweating.
I'm gonna be honest with you, Tim.
- Where is your confidence?
- What do you mean?
Right now you look like you're watching your
girlfriend fuck the drummer from Bon Jovi.
- Tico Torres?
- Yes.
Why him in particular?
Excuse me.
I'm really sorry to interject here,
but I'm a confident,
handsome, very young man.
- You, sir, are perfect.
- Excuse me?
Take off that jacket
and you sit in the chair.
All right, why not?
I mean I like modeling.
- What's going on here?
- This is the scenario, okay, Tim?
Sir, you are the incompetent employee.
Tim, I want you to
scream at him, okay?
- Right into his stupid face.
- Okay.
I don't think anybody
necessarily would believe
that this face is stupid.
Everything that comes
out of it sounds stupid.
- What am I--
- Wow, met his match.
Okay, so here we go.
Just roll with it, Tim.
Just let whatever comes out come out.
- Hey, you incompetent buffoon.
- Yeah, this is good. This is good.
I ought to bend you over
and ream you from behind.
- Okay, that's--
- No? Too much?
That's taking it in a direction
that's a little weird.
- Seems a bit excessive and derogatory.
- Okay.
Tim, I just want to
say you're doing great.
Thank you very much.
I feel confident.
You look confident.
- The scarf looks good?
- The scarf is amazing.
You know who wears a scarf like that?
- Who?
- Tico Torres.
Wow, Tim.
He says you did a great job.
You got past
looking awkward and ugly and came
out of your shell eventually.
That's-- I'm glad
you came around, man.
I honestly feel like
a new man altogether.
I can't wait for my girlfriend
to see me like this.
Well, you can't keep the clothes.
Oh no, I've got to keep the clothes.
- Those are expensive clothes.
- Come on, Garv.
- Just come on, pal.
- No.
Shortening my name
doesn't make it happen.
Listen, can we just go over there
and maybe take one more shot?
- At her office?
- Yeah.
It's like an executive hailing a
cab, ducking into another office.
Maxie, I believe
I have you the whole day.
No problem.
Then let's make this happen.
Tim, take your victory lap, champ.
- All right. Here we go, Max.
- Do not call me Max.
- I totally forgot.
- I have asked you.
All right, let's get
a shot over here for "GQ."
And let's get a few in the lobby
for the "GQ" shoot with me.
- Tim?
- Oh hey, Amy.
- Oh, is this your office?
- What are you doing here?
We're shooting in different
buildings around town.
- Tim?
- Oh, Julie. You're here?
Yeah, I work with Amy.
I forgot. I'm just so caught
up in the fashion world.
- What are you doing?
- Just shooting for "GQ."
That's happening?
I thought you were kidding.
Do I look like I'm kidding with
this chunky scarf around my neck?
Tim, for once in your life
you don't look like
a complete imbecile.
Nicer ways to phrase
a compliment, but thank you.
- What a great day.
- Was it?
- Yes.
- I'm gonna need those clothes back now.
I've got to go home
and change, I guess.
- You flushed my clothes.
- Was that you?
- That was me.
- Feels like forever ago, right?
- I can just bring them back tomorrow.
- Okay, fine.
Here's the card.
Give them to Garvey yourself, all right?
- Oh cool, just go to "GQ"?
- Yeah.
Nice. That'd be fun
to see the place.
All right, don't get weird.
"GQ" is in a studio
apartment above a deli?
Garvey?
Where am I?
Oh, Tim.
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
I thought I was going to "GQ."
Here you are.
Here I am?
This isn't "GQ."
I'm G.Q.
Garvey Quantelbaum.
This isn't happening.
You told me I was doing
a shoot for "GQ" magazine.
"GQ" what?
- "GQ" magazine.
- "GQ" magazine.
You thought I was talking
about the magazine?
- Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
Oh my God.
This is not good.
Why would you think I am a magazine?
Why would you do this to me?
Why would you ruin my life?
- I didn't do anything.
- Holy fuck.
You assume weird things.
Wait, what is that?
What is that?
- Tim, I'm gonna be straight with you.
- Okay.
- I'm writing an expose of Omnicorp.
- Okay.
But those files I stole are useless.
If you'll give me an interview about
Omnicorp's corporate malfeasance,
I'll try to get you into
the hallowed pages of "GQ" magazine.
See how I said that?
I appreciate the clarity,
but could you even do that?
I have a lot of friends over there.
- I used to work there.
- Oh, really?
Yes, I worked there for a quarter.
For a quarter of a year?
Yeah. They break it up
into quarters over there.
So he says my picture
could still possibly
get in "GQ" if I cooperate with him.
- What do you think?
- Go for it.
- Really?
- You don't owe Omnicorp anything.
If I talk they'll find out.
They'll kill me.
They'll never find out.
You're an anonymous source.
- You think?
- Yeah, rule number one of journalism:
You can't reveal
your anonymous sources.
- I like that.
- Do it.
And plus, I've got to say,
from where I'm standing,
it's the socially
responsible thing to do.
Don't pretend, okay, that you're
trying to do something good.
I'm part of the solution.
I'm not part of the problem.
- Tim.
- And I look good doing it.
- Tim, is that you?
- Hey, shh.
Tim, what are you doing?
Why are we in a parking garage in Brooklyn?
I could have come to your apartment.
What is this, amateur hour?
Yeah it is.
Why aren't we in an apartment?
Lower your voice.
Lean against something and let's do this.
Oh boy.
You want to dive into this?
Let's do it.
You're a very loud talker.
Omnicorp is closing
the San Francisco office.
Are they outsourcing jobs?
San Francisco?
I didn't know we had an office there.
Where did you think the office
was on the west coast?
Phoenix.
I didn't know we had one.
I'm sorry.
- I'm making things up.
- Phoenix isn't on the coast.
Let's go to the next question.
Omnicorp stock--
Why does it keep rising
even after failing
to meet quarterly earning forecasts?
Why are the stocks rising?
- I--
- Say it.
It's the-- didn't know you could buy
stock in omnicorp to be honest.
Is this your way of getting
out of the answer?
I thought we were owned by Pizza Hut.
You did not think that.
You think Pizza Hut--
omnicorp sounds like something
smaller than Pizza Hut?
I could have sworn I read it on something.
I saw it on some paper.
I think you ordered Pizza Hut one day
and it was sitting on top
of one of your papers.
- That might have been it.
- Hey, you know what, Tim?
I think I've got
everything that I need.
- Everything? Really?
- Yeah.
I think I've got
the full picture here.
So I'm gonna leave now.
I'm gonna leave you
to your Humphrey bogart scenario
you got going with yourself here.
You want a sleek, slimming look.
- No more pleats, okay?
- No pleats.
- No pleats.
- Porque no pleats?
- Just don't wear the pleats.
- A sleek and slimming look.
Yo, Timbo,
you'd better come downstairs.
- Yeah? What's up?
- Dude, your magazine is out.
He got me in "GQ"?
That's amazing.
Uh no, bro.
Not "GQ."
It's some kind of corporate
magazine with an article about you.
I was supposed to be anonymous.
Yeah, Stan brought a whole stack
and he's passing them out.
Unbelievable.
I got to get down there.
Dude, are you wearing mascara?
Mascara, no.
What is that shit
under your eyes then?
Some people call it
guyliner in certain circles.
It's just--
Don't even ask.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
All right, hold on.
Everyone put the magazines down.
Stan, what are you doing?
Looky here.
It's the douchebag of the hour.
- Welcome, Tim.
- That's not who it is.
- You're just in time.
- I just want to apologize, first of all,
- to upper management.
- Hmm, that's me.
I talked to the press.
I hope there was nothing too sensitive.
I did not mean for
the company to look bad.
Truth is, the company
looks pretty good.
- Take it away, Stan.
- What?
"The American corporate structure
is fraught with corruption.
But during a recent investigation
I discovered a more
insidious problem--
- Idiocy."
- Is that the same as idiot?
"Meet Tim, a young V.P.
whose lack of loyalty
drove him to rat out his own company,
but whose ignorance rendered him
unable to accomplish even that.
I would, however,
like to apologize in advance
if it turns out that this man
is mentally retarded."
Mentally retarded.
- Wow.
- Disloyal and a simpleton.
It's not a strong--
it's not a winning combo.
Can someone just give me
some kind of compliment?
You look good in a scarf.
It detracts from the guyliner.
♪ No matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
I've got to say,
these are great seats.
I've never sat in
a part of the stadium
where fat guys actually wear shirts.
They wear shirts, they don't paint
themselves, they don't spit on you.
- Nobody's hurling gay insults at us.
- It's amazing.
Don't thank me, though.
Thank the priest.
- He set this all up.
- The priest hooked us up with these?
- These are free tickets from the priest.
- Really?
Oh wait, hold on. This is him now.
What does that mean?
"Come to locker room, bitches."
Oh.
You're very good
at text abbreviation deciphering.
I spend a lot of time
texting high school girls.
Wow, we're really in
the bowels of the stadium.
This is like the underground
railroad except everybody's free.
All right, perverts.
That's far enough.
Pervert?
No, we're invited in.
You're invited into the locker room?
Yeah, right.
You guys are here to see a
naked football player's ass.
- What?
- Why would we want to do that?
You're telling me you don't
want to lay your eyes
- on the most perfect asses on the planet?
- No.
Well-toned, fresh out of the
shower and greased up with aloe?
Okay, this is an
inner monologue for you.
- Look at that ass over there.
- Oh wow.
Just look at it for another minute.
Sounds like you want to see that.
Yeah, it's more your thing.
I see it every week.
Don't need to see it again.
- Hey, Timbo.
- Can we come in?
- Absolutely.
- Do you mind if I come in, priest?
- Oh no, Joe.
- I could check the shower.
I know you really love
to do that, but no.
Lord, we know there are
many atrocities in the world--
children starving,
poor people who have been
stabbed in the neck
with a broken beer bottle.
But we ask, lord, that you put
that out of your mind right now
and turn your attention to these
wealthy millionaire athletes,
the forgotten ones.
Lord, in your name.
Amen.
All right, boys, go get 'em.
Let's go.
Come on, hop to.
Pretty sweet, huh fellas?
What are you doing exactly here?
You're looking at the team chaplain
for the New York freaking Jets.
- Suck on that.
- Suck on it?
- Suck the big one.
- They pay you to pray for the team to win?
No, I do it for the love of it.
'Cause, you know, football
is God's favorite sport.
- Really? I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
- Pro or collegiate?
- Both.
Anything where big money is involved.
So what did you want to talk about?
Um, I need you to place
a little wager for me.
- What do you think about that, boys?
- What?
- On what?
- On football. Jets.
Why don't you just do it yourself?
Uh, hello.
Team chaplain.
- Insider information.
- 'Cause you know how they're praying?
I know the prayers
we're coming up with.
Trust me on this,
it's not inside information.
No, trust me on this.
Who's the priest?
- You.
- Me. Thank you.
- Can I say something?
- Sure, talk.
You end way too many conversations
with "Who's the priest?"
Do you know that was the original title
for the Tony Danza show "Who's the boss?"
- Who's the priest?
- He was a priest and he cleaned Angela's house.
Are you-- I'm confused.
Is this a ticket store or are you the bookie?
I was told you're a bookie.
There's no sign that says bookie.
- What are you coming in here...
- I'm here to gamble.
...and taking 20 minutes
to say a sentence?
- Are you the bookie?
- Yeah, I'm both, okay?
Yeah, I took down the sign that
said "Illegal bookie operation."
- Is that sarcasm?
- Yeah, it's sarcasm.
I just want to place this bet
on the Jets to win on Sunday.
Hey, Danny, shut the fucking door.
You want me to leave it ajar
or completely close the door?
- No, don't close it. What's going on?
- Danny.
- What are we doing here with the door?
- Shut it.
- Okay.
- What's happening?
The priest put you
up to this, didn't he?
No, no priest.
The envelope has church
letterhead on it.
Oh. There might be
a priest involved.
Listen, I honestly don't think his prayer
stuff counts as inside information.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
- He's just praying he wins.
That guy's been losing money to me
faster that a Canadian in Las Vegas.
Canadian in Vegas?
Is that a reference?
Yeah, there's been
a whole movie about it.
"Owning Mahoney."
Not a popular film.
Understandable you would not get that.
Listen, your priest buddy owes me
a shitload of cash and I want it.
All right, well,
I'll tell him you inquired.
We're past the inquiring stage.
What stage are we at?
We're at the stage where
Danny cuts your cock off,
cuts it in half and stuffs
it in both your ears.
- You're gonna do that to me?
- Not literally.
- But I will treat you very badly.
- Danny.
- Come on, I'm not gonna cut a guy's dick off.
- Danny, shut up.
Listen, we're just the messengers here.
Don't shoot the messenger.
- I'm telling you--
- That is an expression. People say that.
- Right, Danny, it is?
- Yeah.
Just tell the priest
I want all my money.
If it takes more than a week
I'm gonna track you down
and beat you up in front
of your girlfriend.
Me? Why me?
Why not Stu?
Because there's no way in
hell he's got a girlfriend.
Look, I'm both hurt and relieved.
Now if everyone will
turn to page three
of their disposable prayer pamphlets,
you'll notice I scribbled a little
something in there with a red sharpie.
- Excuse me.
- Uh-huh?
- What happened to the bibles?
- I'm sorry?
- The bibles.
- Oh, the leather-- black leather?
- Yes.
- Good question.
- Budget cuts mostly.
- What?
There are no more bibles and no more
Starbucks in the kitchen. I'm sorry.
What happened to the Jesus?
Did you sell the Jesus?
Did I sell the Jesus
to a Mexican pawnshop?
What sort of ungodly question is that?
Well, it sounds like you sold the
Jesus to a Mexican pawnshop.
People, you need to relax.
Let's-- let's-- let's pass
around the collection plate.
That's everyone's
favorite part of church.
Mary, hit me with
some collection music.
Something upbeat, Mary.
So what's the word, Tim?
The guy would not let
me place the bet for you.
- Oh, you are kidding me.
- Sounds like you're in some kind of trouble.
Sounds like it?
I'm in a cockload of trouble, Tim.
- What's going on?
- God's been testing me.
- Really?
- Yes, like job.
I bet and I lose.
Then I keep betting
and I keep losing just like job.
Bet it all on black.
Bet it all on black.
Keep losing.
Keep losing.
I don't think the job story
happened at a casino.
Betting on black?
- In job there was casinos.
- There was casinos in that story?
Well, they would have
rock pushing contests
in the Bible days.
It's really irrelevant, Tim.
Listen, I just think you need to pay
this guy off and knock off the gambling.
- Oh, that sounds like a great idea, Tim.
- So do it.
Except that I can't
'cause I only have $8640, man.
Only?
How much do you owe the guy?
- More than eight grand.
- Holy shit.
- And a bit less than $39,428.
- What?
- So here's what I need you to do.
- No you don't.
- I need you to take this money...
- No no.
- ...this Sunday...
- Please.
...and I need you to bet
it all on the Jets, baby.
- You're not betting on--
- J-e-t-s. Jets Jets Jets.
- Say it with me.
- I'm not gonna say that with you.
- Say it.
- Is this some kind of sin?
There must be something
wrong with doing this.
- Oh no no no.
- So it's okay?
The lord says throw it down, man.
- J-e-t-s. Jets Jets Jets.
- There he is.
I can't believe you had Jets tickets
and didn't invite me.
- We thought you'd be busy.
- Yeah, you got that baby.
The baby? Come on, I feed
that thing like twice a day,
it crawls around the apartment.
It's like a cat.
Babies aren't like cats, Rodney.
Bro, this thing is basically a cat.
Shoving its ass in my face all day,
scratching my neck up--
it's a fucking cat.
What kind of baby is that?
All I know is we need to keep
the priest on our good side
if we want to keep
these free tickets coming.
I'm a little more concerned
with getting beaten up.
The guy said he was
gonna remove my penis
and place it in my ear.
The way you phrase that
is so much less impactful.
- You guys want my advice?
- Yeah.
No, fuck you both.
Not giving it.
We cannot bet on the Jets.
- What do you mean?
- The priest is on a losing streak.
We need to find a better bet.
You know, something with better odds.
How do you find that?
Well, Tim, you do have another
in with the sports world.
Oh no.
Timmy!
Timmy-do.
Oh, I knew you'd come crawling back.
- I'm not crawling.
- You about to.
Now shut your mouth
and watch my fucking face.
Oh, it's great to see you again.
It really is.
Timmy Timmy-do-do.
I missed these conversations.
Oh, oh wow.
Athletes are really comfortable
getting naked, aren't they?
Oh come on, Timmy.
We like family.
If I toss pee in your girl's
face, you can see my junk.
That makes sense.
I've got an issue here I need help with.
This may sound unethical,
but I need to place a bet.
Oh, I'll throw my next game.
- What?
- You just give me a cut, Timmy.
That wasn't even a small
dilemma for you, was it?
Oh, trust me, little man,
no one cares about these games.
- That's-- so you're fine doing it?
- Absolutely.
It's like I always say, Tim,
whoopee-doopee-
doopee-damn-do.
- You always say that?
- It's my catchphrase.
Thanks so much, Helen. This is great.
You know what you're gonna do?
Tell the man I'd like to bet $8640
against the Newark wild hogs.
Exactly.
And then what do you do?
Then I get the fuck out of there.
You don't have to phrase it like
that, but yeah, you leave quick.
Hello.
I'd like to bet $8640
against the Newark wild hogs, please.
- A woman's basketball team?
- Mm-hmm.
Why would you bet that much money?
That's a lot of money.
What do you know?
- They are having a pretty good season.
- Danny.
- Yeah?
- Shut up.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna match your bet.
I'm taking my own money
and guess what?
If the Newark wild hogs win
and I lose the money
I'm gonna rip that shirt off
you and tie your tits together.
Holy moly.
Imagine that.
I'm just asking everybody to
take a moment and imagine that.
- Don't ever say holy moly to me again.
- Sorry.
Oh, Timbo, we did it.
We did it, Tim.
The game hasn't started yet.
- No, but God has performed a miracle, Tim.
- Oh.
The opposing quarterback is being brought
up on sexual harassment charges.
- He's out of today's game, Tim.
- It's not a miracle.
- It's a miracle.
- The sexual harassment miracle.
- It's a miracle.
- I have some bad news.
- -Oh.
- I didn't bet the money on the Jets.
What?
I slapped it down on
a women's basketball game.
I need to pray.
- Dear lord...
- Oh boy.
...what has this
fuck face done?
Don't say fuck face in a prayer.
I know he's one of your little children.
A simpleton.
No, listen, I'm gonna
cut off the prayer.
But seriously, lord,
I want to crush his skull.
You're gonna be very happy with me.
I'm gonna be happy right now?
This is a sure thing
if anything in life is.
- Explain to me how it's a sure thing, Tim.
- I can't explain.
- Just trust me.
- I'm gonna puke.
All right, let me put on channel 433.
Do it. Do it.
Let's get to the game.
Whoa whoa whoa.
What the fuck?
- Hey, sorry.
- What are you doing?
What do you mean?
It's women's basketball.
Yeah, exactly.
That's the fucking New York Jets.
Give it a chance. Get to know the players.
You'll like it.
Crazy night tonight in Newark,
a standing-room crowd of lesbians
and sweatband fetishists
to see the wild hogs
cruise to an easy victory...
- Oh no.
- ...In spite of the fact the fifth best player
on the team Tanya Miller
opened the game
with five consecutive dunks
on her own basket
before being benched
and tested for drugs.
- Oh no no no.
- Oh, this is not good.
I've never seen anything like it.
It's unbelievable.
You've really got to buy tickets.
We need crowds for these games.
- Oh God.
- She was supposed to throw the game.
We're gonna lose the bet, huh, Timbo?
It's not looking great.
I'm sorry.
I think I'm gonna
go check into a motel.
- Yeah, we should all hide.
- Good seeing you though, Timbo.
- You know, as always.
- What's my name?
- Bye, you.
- Stu.
- Okay. Good for you, friend.
- The name is Stu.
- That was a great brunch.
- That was good.
- Western omelet.
- It's your favorite.
Not really, but I liked it there.
Oh my God, it's him!
Amy, run!
Shit, don't do it.
Don't kill me.
Don't stab--
don't cut my dick off.
I'll get the money.
I'll sell Amy's jewelry.
I'll steal from her family.
I know the passwords.
I found them once.
What are you doing up there?
- Just waiting for you to finish.
- Oh.
- Are you gonna hurt me?
- Oh, jeez, no no no.
- I guess you haven't heard the word then, huh?
- What's the word?
- Yeah, the bookie's dead.
- He's dead?
Yeah, a disgruntled customer
stabbed him in the neck
- and he bled out on the floor.
- That's horrible.
It's not so bad.
He was pretty mean.
And all your debts have been forgiven.
I guess the big guy upstairs
was looking out for you.
- Are you saying God took part in the stabbing?
- Yeah, God.
I mean I'm not a theological
expert by any means,
but yeah, God made a stabbing happen.
Wow, thank you for the--
for the drop by.
Have a nice Sunday.
Does that require explanation
or are you cool
with what just happened?
♪ I bet a nickel I could tell
you if it was heads or tails ♪
♪ I'm not gonna worry
wrinkles in my brow ♪
♪ 'cause nothing's ever
gonna be all right nohow ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
that's getting kinda mad ♪
♪ I had lots of luck
but it's all been bad ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive ♪
♪ my fishing pole's broke,
the creek is full of sand ♪
♪ my woman ran away with another man ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
Look who brought a bottle of wine.
Hey!
Yay, you made it.
Hey.
Everything looks great.
- Oh, thank you.
- Give me a hug, little lady.
Oh, Tim.
Seriously?
Seriously? What's wrong?
You don't want a hug?
My invite said semi-formal.
Is that semi-formal?
Of course.
I'm wearing my jacket.
You're wearing it over
jeans and a t-shirt.
- Look around at everyone else.
- That's the look.
The look of what?
Corey Feldman?
Didn't you see the eVite, bro?
Semi-formal.
I saw it.
I bought this jacket for the event.
- When? In 2003?
- Yeah.
Oh my God.
Nailed it.
I've seen you wear this
outfit before, by the way.
- Holy shit.
- You wore this at my barbecue last year.
You played wiffle ball in this outfit.
- Buddy, I remember that.
- Julie.
You slid into home and did
a poop in your shorts.
Does anyone have a pair
of pants I can borrow?
- Wow.
- Nobody has pants to lend me?
Why would people bring
two pairs of pants to a party?
I try. I try
attend these things.
- I try to have fun.
- But you don't try, Tim.
I put the jacket on.
I do the whole thing.
Honestly, when I saw
this pretty girl walk in,
I thought the taxi guy that brought
her here was walking her in.
Wearing an amazing blazer.
Oh, Julie, you can suck my cock.
- What?
- Oh hey. Sorry.
I'm on your side.
A sharp jacket dresses up...
- ...Any outfit.
- It's a bold choice to make.
Without the jacket you're
just another homeless guy.
- But you know how to put it together...
- Thank you.
- ...and look nice with it.
- Thank you.
Hey, did I hear someone say
that you worked at Omnicorp?
Yeah, I do.
I'm a junior V.P., actually.
How old are you?
Like 21?
- 25. - Are you like one of those
geniuses or something?
- Similar.
- Are you like a Mensa genius?
- Similar.
- Wow, I didn't know this was gonna be this kind of party.
Look, this might be presumptuous but,
would you be interested in
doing a photo shoot for "GQ"?
- You joking?
- I am putting together a piece on the face
of young corporate America.
Regular guys looking sharp,
redefining business wear.
Just exactly like you are
right standing in front
of me right now.
It's amazing.
The best night of my life.
Let me get your details
and I'm out of here.
That's fantastic.
Here's a card.
Wow.
People still have cards.
- So cute too.
- Hey, there you are.
Guess what? Yours truly here was
just asked to pose for "GQ."
Why-- what?
- What do you mean?
- Surprising turn of events, no?
Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
You will see it
and you will believe it.
If you say so.
Hate to say suck on that,
but why don't you suck on that?
I just can't understand why
they'd be more interested
in you than someone like me--
handsome, accomplished.
They're calliing for me this time.
But you're not
"good to look at."
A lot of people-- a lot of
people think I'm great looking.
Like who?
List a couple.
I don't have names
off the top of my head.
Just throw out a name.
- Janet.
- Who's Janet?
- Sue.
- That name just kind of--
people think I'm good looking.
That's the bottom line.
Listen, it's not to knock you.
It's just that the gist of the article
is the face of young
corporate America.
They want guys who are
skyrocketing to the top.
So you're trying to suggest
that I'm not young.
I mean I'm younger than you,
wouldn't you think?
- Can I just have permission?
- Yes, go. Do it.
But listen, if they change their minds
I'll be lurking awkwardly
near the shoot at all times.
I would expect nothing less.
- This is happening.
- You're gonna be in good hands.
This is Maxie right here.
He's gonna photograph you.
And I'll be around if you need me.
- Sounds good.
- Yeah, break a leg.
- So you're Max?
- Hey, shut it!
It's Maxie.
You heard him say Maxie, right?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Okay, so don't call me Max.
Max is a name for, like, butchers.
- Oh.
- Or like a dog you see on the street
that somebody's yelling at for
taking a shit all over the place.
Wow.
Maxie it is.
So which one of these outfits
is speaking to you, Tim?
I was gonna say something.
None of these are really my style.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh my God, did I mess up?
- Are you gonna insult me? I can see it coming.
- No.
It's just I didn't realize
when you came in here
in, like, dollar a pound clothes
that that was something
you thought was style.
I'm just saying I can't
pull off some of these looks.
Tim, I'm about to do you the
biggest favor in your whole life.
- Oh really? What are you doing?
- Yup.
- Trust me.
- Hey, no no. Please.
Say goodbye to the old you, Tim. Boom!
It would have been better if the
clothes had gone down the toilet.
- You get the point.
- Do I?
Here we go, Tim.
This is the new secret weapon
of your fashion arsenal--
a chunky scarf.
Chunky scarf?
I can't wear a chunky scarf.
- Chunky scarf.
- They're gonna make fun of me.
Shut your stupid face hole
and put this chunky scarf on.
All right, guys.
You look a little bit more
confused than normal.
Let me explain.
"GQ" is here.
There's a photo shoot.
- Everybody cooperate.
- What are they photographing?
There's really no better
way to say this--
- Tim.
- Tim?
- Tim.
- That's bullshit.
- I know.
- He's the worst dressed person here.
Stan, I have it duly noted.
Seriously. I mean I'm friends
with the guy, but "GQ"? Come on.
Hey.
- Wow.
- Whoa.
Wow good or wow bad?
Tim, you look great.
Nice. You're not gonna
make fun of the scarf?
No, I was actually going to the pants.
Your butt looks really good in those.
- Looks nice?
- Super flattering.
- Nice curve to it?
- Yeah, I like the way it cups.
- I'd cook muffins for you.
- Is that a euphemism?
I would do reverse Asian
cowgirl with you right now.
Took it a little far, but this is exciting.
All right, let's shoot this.
How's this?
How's this?
- Tim, okay. Look...
- You getting what you need?
- No, Tim, I'm not.
- You like this?
Because every time I take a picture of
you it looks like you just had a fart
and you think something
wet came out. Okay?
That's the face you're making.
You don't like the hands-
in-the-pockets pose?
I don't like the hands in the pockets,
I don't like the clenched butt,
I don't like how much you're sweating.
I'm gonna be honest with you, Tim.
- Where is your confidence?
- What do you mean?
Right now you look like you're watching your
girlfriend fuck the drummer from Bon Jovi.
- Tico Torres?
- Yes.
Why him in particular?
Excuse me.
I'm really sorry to interject here,
but I'm a confident,
handsome, very young man.
- You, sir, are perfect.
- Excuse me?
Take off that jacket
and you sit in the chair.
All right, why not?
I mean I like modeling.
- What's going on here?
- This is the scenario, okay, Tim?
Sir, you are the incompetent employee.
Tim, I want you to
scream at him, okay?
- Right into his stupid face.
- Okay.
I don't think anybody
necessarily would believe
that this face is stupid.
Everything that comes
out of it sounds stupid.
- What am I--
- Wow, met his match.
Okay, so here we go.
Just roll with it, Tim.
Just let whatever comes out come out.
- Hey, you incompetent buffoon.
- Yeah, this is good. This is good.
I ought to bend you over
and ream you from behind.
- Okay, that's--
- No? Too much?
That's taking it in a direction
that's a little weird.
- Seems a bit excessive and derogatory.
- Okay.
Tim, I just want to
say you're doing great.
Thank you very much.
I feel confident.
You look confident.
- The scarf looks good?
- The scarf is amazing.
You know who wears a scarf like that?
- Who?
- Tico Torres.
Wow, Tim.
He says you did a great job.
You got past
looking awkward and ugly and came
out of your shell eventually.
That's-- I'm glad
you came around, man.
I honestly feel like
a new man altogether.
I can't wait for my girlfriend
to see me like this.
Well, you can't keep the clothes.
Oh no, I've got to keep the clothes.
- Those are expensive clothes.
- Come on, Garv.
- Just come on, pal.
- No.
Shortening my name
doesn't make it happen.
Listen, can we just go over there
and maybe take one more shot?
- At her office?
- Yeah.
It's like an executive hailing a
cab, ducking into another office.
Maxie, I believe
I have you the whole day.
No problem.
Then let's make this happen.
Tim, take your victory lap, champ.
- All right. Here we go, Max.
- Do not call me Max.
- I totally forgot.
- I have asked you.
All right, let's get
a shot over here for "GQ."
And let's get a few in the lobby
for the "GQ" shoot with me.
- Tim?
- Oh hey, Amy.
- Oh, is this your office?
- What are you doing here?
We're shooting in different
buildings around town.
- Tim?
- Oh, Julie. You're here?
Yeah, I work with Amy.
I forgot. I'm just so caught
up in the fashion world.
- What are you doing?
- Just shooting for "GQ."
That's happening?
I thought you were kidding.
Do I look like I'm kidding with
this chunky scarf around my neck?
Tim, for once in your life
you don't look like
a complete imbecile.
Nicer ways to phrase
a compliment, but thank you.
- What a great day.
- Was it?
- Yes.
- I'm gonna need those clothes back now.
I've got to go home
and change, I guess.
- You flushed my clothes.
- Was that you?
- That was me.
- Feels like forever ago, right?
- I can just bring them back tomorrow.
- Okay, fine.
Here's the card.
Give them to Garvey yourself, all right?
- Oh cool, just go to "GQ"?
- Yeah.
Nice. That'd be fun
to see the place.
All right, don't get weird.
"GQ" is in a studio
apartment above a deli?
Garvey?
Where am I?
Oh, Tim.
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
I thought I was going to "GQ."
Here you are.
Here I am?
This isn't "GQ."
I'm G.Q.
Garvey Quantelbaum.
This isn't happening.
You told me I was doing
a shoot for "GQ" magazine.
"GQ" what?
- "GQ" magazine.
- "GQ" magazine.
You thought I was talking
about the magazine?
- Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
Oh my God.
This is not good.
Why would you think I am a magazine?
Why would you do this to me?
Why would you ruin my life?
- I didn't do anything.
- Holy fuck.
You assume weird things.
Wait, what is that?
What is that?
- Tim, I'm gonna be straight with you.
- Okay.
- I'm writing an expose of Omnicorp.
- Okay.
But those files I stole are useless.
If you'll give me an interview about
Omnicorp's corporate malfeasance,
I'll try to get you into
the hallowed pages of "GQ" magazine.
See how I said that?
I appreciate the clarity,
but could you even do that?
I have a lot of friends over there.
- I used to work there.
- Oh, really?
Yes, I worked there for a quarter.
For a quarter of a year?
Yeah. They break it up
into quarters over there.
So he says my picture
could still possibly
get in "GQ" if I cooperate with him.
- What do you think?
- Go for it.
- Really?
- You don't owe Omnicorp anything.
If I talk they'll find out.
They'll kill me.
They'll never find out.
You're an anonymous source.
- You think?
- Yeah, rule number one of journalism:
You can't reveal
your anonymous sources.
- I like that.
- Do it.
And plus, I've got to say,
from where I'm standing,
it's the socially
responsible thing to do.
Don't pretend, okay, that you're
trying to do something good.
I'm part of the solution.
I'm not part of the problem.
- Tim.
- And I look good doing it.
- Tim, is that you?
- Hey, shh.
Tim, what are you doing?
Why are we in a parking garage in Brooklyn?
I could have come to your apartment.
What is this, amateur hour?
Yeah it is.
Why aren't we in an apartment?
Lower your voice.
Lean against something and let's do this.
Oh boy.
You want to dive into this?
Let's do it.
You're a very loud talker.
Omnicorp is closing
the San Francisco office.
Are they outsourcing jobs?
San Francisco?
I didn't know we had an office there.
Where did you think the office
was on the west coast?
Phoenix.
I didn't know we had one.
I'm sorry.
- I'm making things up.
- Phoenix isn't on the coast.
Let's go to the next question.
Omnicorp stock--
Why does it keep rising
even after failing
to meet quarterly earning forecasts?
Why are the stocks rising?
- I--
- Say it.
It's the-- didn't know you could buy
stock in omnicorp to be honest.
Is this your way of getting
out of the answer?
I thought we were owned by Pizza Hut.
You did not think that.
You think Pizza Hut--
omnicorp sounds like something
smaller than Pizza Hut?
I could have sworn I read it on something.
I saw it on some paper.
I think you ordered Pizza Hut one day
and it was sitting on top
of one of your papers.
- That might have been it.
- Hey, you know what, Tim?
I think I've got
everything that I need.
- Everything? Really?
- Yeah.
I think I've got
the full picture here.
So I'm gonna leave now.
I'm gonna leave you
to your Humphrey bogart scenario
you got going with yourself here.
You want a sleek, slimming look.
- No more pleats, okay?
- No pleats.
- No pleats.
- Porque no pleats?
- Just don't wear the pleats.
- A sleek and slimming look.
Yo, Timbo,
you'd better come downstairs.
- Yeah? What's up?
- Dude, your magazine is out.
He got me in "GQ"?
That's amazing.
Uh no, bro.
Not "GQ."
It's some kind of corporate
magazine with an article about you.
I was supposed to be anonymous.
Yeah, Stan brought a whole stack
and he's passing them out.
Unbelievable.
I got to get down there.
Dude, are you wearing mascara?
Mascara, no.
What is that shit
under your eyes then?
Some people call it
guyliner in certain circles.
It's just--
Don't even ask.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
All right, hold on.
Everyone put the magazines down.
Stan, what are you doing?
Looky here.
It's the douchebag of the hour.
- Welcome, Tim.
- That's not who it is.
- You're just in time.
- I just want to apologize, first of all,
- to upper management.
- Hmm, that's me.
I talked to the press.
I hope there was nothing too sensitive.
I did not mean for
the company to look bad.
Truth is, the company
looks pretty good.
- Take it away, Stan.
- What?
"The American corporate structure
is fraught with corruption.
But during a recent investigation
I discovered a more
insidious problem--
- Idiocy."
- Is that the same as idiot?
"Meet Tim, a young V.P.
whose lack of loyalty
drove him to rat out his own company,
but whose ignorance rendered him
unable to accomplish even that.
I would, however,
like to apologize in advance
if it turns out that this man
is mentally retarded."
Mentally retarded.
- Wow.
- Disloyal and a simpleton.
It's not a strong--
it's not a winning combo.
Can someone just give me
some kind of compliment?
You look good in a scarf.
It detracts from the guyliner.
♪ No matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
I've got to say,
these are great seats.
I've never sat in
a part of the stadium
where fat guys actually wear shirts.
They wear shirts, they don't paint
themselves, they don't spit on you.
- Nobody's hurling gay insults at us.
- It's amazing.
Don't thank me, though.
Thank the priest.
- He set this all up.
- The priest hooked us up with these?
- These are free tickets from the priest.
- Really?
Oh wait, hold on. This is him now.
What does that mean?
"Come to locker room, bitches."
Oh.
You're very good
at text abbreviation deciphering.
I spend a lot of time
texting high school girls.
Wow, we're really in
the bowels of the stadium.
This is like the underground
railroad except everybody's free.
All right, perverts.
That's far enough.
Pervert?
No, we're invited in.
You're invited into the locker room?
Yeah, right.
You guys are here to see a
naked football player's ass.
- What?
- Why would we want to do that?
You're telling me you don't
want to lay your eyes
- on the most perfect asses on the planet?
- No.
Well-toned, fresh out of the
shower and greased up with aloe?
Okay, this is an
inner monologue for you.
- Look at that ass over there.
- Oh wow.
Just look at it for another minute.
Sounds like you want to see that.
Yeah, it's more your thing.
I see it every week.
Don't need to see it again.
- Hey, Timbo.
- Can we come in?
- Absolutely.
- Do you mind if I come in, priest?
- Oh no, Joe.
- I could check the shower.
I know you really love
to do that, but no.
Lord, we know there are
many atrocities in the world--
children starving,
poor people who have been
stabbed in the neck
with a broken beer bottle.
But we ask, lord, that you put
that out of your mind right now
and turn your attention to these
wealthy millionaire athletes,
the forgotten ones.
Lord, in your name.
Amen.
All right, boys, go get 'em.
Let's go.
Come on, hop to.
Pretty sweet, huh fellas?
What are you doing exactly here?
You're looking at the team chaplain
for the New York freaking Jets.
- Suck on that.
- Suck on it?
- Suck the big one.
- They pay you to pray for the team to win?
No, I do it for the love of it.
'Cause, you know, football
is God's favorite sport.
- Really? I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
- Pro or collegiate?
- Both.
Anything where big money is involved.
So what did you want to talk about?
Um, I need you to place
a little wager for me.
- What do you think about that, boys?
- What?
- On what?
- On football. Jets.
Why don't you just do it yourself?
Uh, hello.
Team chaplain.
- Insider information.
- 'Cause you know how they're praying?
I know the prayers
we're coming up with.
Trust me on this,
it's not inside information.
No, trust me on this.
Who's the priest?
- You.
- Me. Thank you.
- Can I say something?
- Sure, talk.
You end way too many conversations
with "Who's the priest?"
Do you know that was the original title
for the Tony Danza show "Who's the boss?"
- Who's the priest?
- He was a priest and he cleaned Angela's house.
Are you-- I'm confused.
Is this a ticket store or are you the bookie?
I was told you're a bookie.
There's no sign that says bookie.
- What are you coming in here...
- I'm here to gamble.
...and taking 20 minutes
to say a sentence?
- Are you the bookie?
- Yeah, I'm both, okay?
Yeah, I took down the sign that
said "Illegal bookie operation."
- Is that sarcasm?
- Yeah, it's sarcasm.
I just want to place this bet
on the Jets to win on Sunday.
Hey, Danny, shut the fucking door.
You want me to leave it ajar
or completely close the door?
- No, don't close it. What's going on?
- Danny.
- What are we doing here with the door?
- Shut it.
- Okay.
- What's happening?
The priest put you
up to this, didn't he?
No, no priest.
The envelope has church
letterhead on it.
Oh. There might be
a priest involved.
Listen, I honestly don't think his prayer
stuff counts as inside information.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
- He's just praying he wins.
That guy's been losing money to me
faster that a Canadian in Las Vegas.
Canadian in Vegas?
Is that a reference?
Yeah, there's been
a whole movie about it.
"Owning Mahoney."
Not a popular film.
Understandable you would not get that.
Listen, your priest buddy owes me
a shitload of cash and I want it.
All right, well,
I'll tell him you inquired.
We're past the inquiring stage.
What stage are we at?
We're at the stage where
Danny cuts your cock off,
cuts it in half and stuffs
it in both your ears.
- You're gonna do that to me?
- Not literally.
- But I will treat you very badly.
- Danny.
- Come on, I'm not gonna cut a guy's dick off.
- Danny, shut up.
Listen, we're just the messengers here.
Don't shoot the messenger.
- I'm telling you--
- That is an expression. People say that.
- Right, Danny, it is?
- Yeah.
Just tell the priest
I want all my money.
If it takes more than a week
I'm gonna track you down
and beat you up in front
of your girlfriend.
Me? Why me?
Why not Stu?
Because there's no way in
hell he's got a girlfriend.
Look, I'm both hurt and relieved.
Now if everyone will
turn to page three
of their disposable prayer pamphlets,
you'll notice I scribbled a little
something in there with a red sharpie.
- Excuse me.
- Uh-huh?
- What happened to the bibles?
- I'm sorry?
- The bibles.
- Oh, the leather-- black leather?
- Yes.
- Good question.
- Budget cuts mostly.
- What?
There are no more bibles and no more
Starbucks in the kitchen. I'm sorry.
What happened to the Jesus?
Did you sell the Jesus?
Did I sell the Jesus
to a Mexican pawnshop?
What sort of ungodly question is that?
Well, it sounds like you sold the
Jesus to a Mexican pawnshop.
People, you need to relax.
Let's-- let's-- let's pass
around the collection plate.
That's everyone's
favorite part of church.
Mary, hit me with
some collection music.
Something upbeat, Mary.
So what's the word, Tim?
The guy would not let
me place the bet for you.
- Oh, you are kidding me.
- Sounds like you're in some kind of trouble.
Sounds like it?
I'm in a cockload of trouble, Tim.
- What's going on?
- God's been testing me.
- Really?
- Yes, like job.
I bet and I lose.
Then I keep betting
and I keep losing just like job.
Bet it all on black.
Bet it all on black.
Keep losing.
Keep losing.
I don't think the job story
happened at a casino.
Betting on black?
- In job there was casinos.
- There was casinos in that story?
Well, they would have
rock pushing contests
in the Bible days.
It's really irrelevant, Tim.
Listen, I just think you need to pay
this guy off and knock off the gambling.
- Oh, that sounds like a great idea, Tim.
- So do it.
Except that I can't
'cause I only have $8640, man.
Only?
How much do you owe the guy?
- More than eight grand.
- Holy shit.
- And a bit less than $39,428.
- What?
- So here's what I need you to do.
- No you don't.
- I need you to take this money...
- No no.
- ...this Sunday...
- Please.
...and I need you to bet
it all on the Jets, baby.
- You're not betting on--
- J-e-t-s. Jets Jets Jets.
- Say it with me.
- I'm not gonna say that with you.
- Say it.
- Is this some kind of sin?
There must be something
wrong with doing this.
- Oh no no no.
- So it's okay?
The lord says throw it down, man.
- J-e-t-s. Jets Jets Jets.
- There he is.
I can't believe you had Jets tickets
and didn't invite me.
- We thought you'd be busy.
- Yeah, you got that baby.
The baby? Come on, I feed
that thing like twice a day,
it crawls around the apartment.
It's like a cat.
Babies aren't like cats, Rodney.
Bro, this thing is basically a cat.
Shoving its ass in my face all day,
scratching my neck up--
it's a fucking cat.
What kind of baby is that?
All I know is we need to keep
the priest on our good side
if we want to keep
these free tickets coming.
I'm a little more concerned
with getting beaten up.
The guy said he was
gonna remove my penis
and place it in my ear.
The way you phrase that
is so much less impactful.
- You guys want my advice?
- Yeah.
No, fuck you both.
Not giving it.
We cannot bet on the Jets.
- What do you mean?
- The priest is on a losing streak.
We need to find a better bet.
You know, something with better odds.
How do you find that?
Well, Tim, you do have another
in with the sports world.
Oh no.
Timmy!
Timmy-do.
Oh, I knew you'd come crawling back.
- I'm not crawling.
- You about to.
Now shut your mouth
and watch my fucking face.
Oh, it's great to see you again.
It really is.
Timmy Timmy-do-do.
I missed these conversations.
Oh, oh wow.
Athletes are really comfortable
getting naked, aren't they?
Oh come on, Timmy.
We like family.
If I toss pee in your girl's
face, you can see my junk.
That makes sense.
I've got an issue here I need help with.
This may sound unethical,
but I need to place a bet.
Oh, I'll throw my next game.
- What?
- You just give me a cut, Timmy.
That wasn't even a small
dilemma for you, was it?
Oh, trust me, little man,
no one cares about these games.
- That's-- so you're fine doing it?
- Absolutely.
It's like I always say, Tim,
whoopee-doopee-
doopee-damn-do.
- You always say that?
- It's my catchphrase.
Thanks so much, Helen. This is great.
You know what you're gonna do?
Tell the man I'd like to bet $8640
against the Newark wild hogs.
Exactly.
And then what do you do?
Then I get the fuck out of there.
You don't have to phrase it like
that, but yeah, you leave quick.
Hello.
I'd like to bet $8640
against the Newark wild hogs, please.
- A woman's basketball team?
- Mm-hmm.
Why would you bet that much money?
That's a lot of money.
What do you know?
- They are having a pretty good season.
- Danny.
- Yeah?
- Shut up.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna match your bet.
I'm taking my own money
and guess what?
If the Newark wild hogs win
and I lose the money
I'm gonna rip that shirt off
you and tie your tits together.
Holy moly.
Imagine that.
I'm just asking everybody to
take a moment and imagine that.
- Don't ever say holy moly to me again.
- Sorry.
Oh, Timbo, we did it.
We did it, Tim.
The game hasn't started yet.
- No, but God has performed a miracle, Tim.
- Oh.
The opposing quarterback is being brought
up on sexual harassment charges.
- He's out of today's game, Tim.
- It's not a miracle.
- It's a miracle.
- The sexual harassment miracle.
- It's a miracle.
- I have some bad news.
- -Oh.
- I didn't bet the money on the Jets.
What?
I slapped it down on
a women's basketball game.
I need to pray.
- Dear lord...
- Oh boy.
...what has this
fuck face done?
Don't say fuck face in a prayer.
I know he's one of your little children.
A simpleton.
No, listen, I'm gonna
cut off the prayer.
But seriously, lord,
I want to crush his skull.
You're gonna be very happy with me.
I'm gonna be happy right now?
This is a sure thing
if anything in life is.
- Explain to me how it's a sure thing, Tim.
- I can't explain.
- Just trust me.
- I'm gonna puke.
All right, let me put on channel 433.
Do it. Do it.
Let's get to the game.
Whoa whoa whoa.
What the fuck?
- Hey, sorry.
- What are you doing?
What do you mean?
It's women's basketball.
Yeah, exactly.
That's the fucking New York Jets.
Give it a chance. Get to know the players.
You'll like it.
Crazy night tonight in Newark,
a standing-room crowd of lesbians
and sweatband fetishists
to see the wild hogs
cruise to an easy victory...
- Oh no.
- ...In spite of the fact the fifth best player
on the team Tanya Miller
opened the game
with five consecutive dunks
on her own basket
before being benched
and tested for drugs.
- Oh no no no.
- Oh, this is not good.
I've never seen anything like it.
It's unbelievable.
You've really got to buy tickets.
We need crowds for these games.
- Oh God.
- She was supposed to throw the game.
We're gonna lose the bet, huh, Timbo?
It's not looking great.
I'm sorry.
I think I'm gonna
go check into a motel.
- Yeah, we should all hide.
- Good seeing you though, Timbo.
- You know, as always.
- What's my name?
- Bye, you.
- Stu.
- Okay. Good for you, friend.
- The name is Stu.
- That was a great brunch.
- That was good.
- Western omelet.
- It's your favorite.
Not really, but I liked it there.
Oh my God, it's him!
Amy, run!
Shit, don't do it.
Don't kill me.
Don't stab--
don't cut my dick off.
I'll get the money.
I'll sell Amy's jewelry.
I'll steal from her family.
I know the passwords.
I found them once.
What are you doing up there?
- Just waiting for you to finish.
- Oh.
- Are you gonna hurt me?
- Oh, jeez, no no no.
- I guess you haven't heard the word then, huh?
- What's the word?
- Yeah, the bookie's dead.
- He's dead?
Yeah, a disgruntled customer
stabbed him in the neck
- and he bled out on the floor.
- That's horrible.
It's not so bad.
He was pretty mean.
And all your debts have been forgiven.
I guess the big guy upstairs
was looking out for you.
- Are you saying God took part in the stabbing?
- Yeah, God.
I mean I'm not a theological
expert by any means,
but yeah, God made a stabbing happen.
Wow, thank you for the--
for the drop by.
Have a nice Sunday.
Does that require explanation
or are you cool
with what just happened?
♪ I bet a nickel I could tell
you if it was heads or tails ♪
♪ I'm not gonna worry
wrinkles in my brow ♪
♪ 'cause nothing's ever
gonna be all right nohow ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪