The Life & Times of Tim (2008–2012): Season 3, Episode 7 - Strip Club Hostage Situation/Game Night - full transcript
Tim racks up a record-breaking corporate card bill; Amy and Tim host game night, which takes a strange turn when Tim disappears to buy Jenga despite inclement weather.
♪ Now you're looking at a man
that's getting kinda mad ♪
♪ I had lots of luck
but it's all been bad ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive ♪
♪ my fishing pole's broke,
the creek is full of sand ♪
♪ my woman ran away with another man ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
- Guys.
- What?!
- Come on.
- What do you mean, come on?
You said pick any restaurant
and you would treat us
on your corporate card
it's not a restaurant.
It's called Bonerz with a "z."
- Yeah.
- They serve food, so it's a restaurant.
All right. Is this gonna show
up on my corporate card as--
- as Bonerz?
- Yes.
- Yes?
- Yes-- all caps.
By the way, isn't this a
weird name for a strip club?
What's your problem with "Bonerz"?
Doesn't it make it sound kind of gay?
- What? Fuck! Holy--
- No one's ever suggested that?
Wow, fuck you!
I'm not-- we're not gay.
It's clear as day.
You walk into a strip club and you see butt,
you see breast, you see pretty
girls, and you get what?
- Boners.
- You get boners.
Hey, that's the end result.
Come on in.
You could have called
it Boobz with a "z."
That's just childish.
This is actually very good.
I'm not gonna lie.
Uh, this is the best
lunch ever, Timmy.
Hey, guys, you want a dance?
Yes, I do. How-- well,
how much for dances?
Okay, it's $40 a dance
or $100 for the champagne room.
Ooh, champagne room all around.
- Put it on Timmy's card.
- No-no, no-no.
We're here for lunch.
We're here for the restaurant aspect.
- Oh. Come on.
- Oh. I'm sad.
- You like Pauly Shore?
- Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
- She thinks I'm funny.
- She does think you're funny.
Timmy, come on.
Let's get in there, man.
I can't put a lap dance on my card.
You know, Tim, you've really changed.
You're not fun anymore.
Yeah, I'm gonna agree with this guy.
- You are not fun anymore.
- They check the statements.
- Timmy, it's the champagne room.
- Yeah?
In that room they serve beverages.
Beverages are technically
part of lunch.
- This is totally acceptable.
- That's actually a good point.
- Yeah.
- All right, let's do this.
That's right.
Mmm. Mmm.
Ooh. Ooh.
How's my boy?
Yeah, he's doing real good.
- Thank you for asking.
- I'm Amber, by the way.
Oh, hey, I'm Stu.
Or you can call me Stuballs or Stuart
or Baby Doc Duvall. It doesn't--
Doesn't really matter.
You are so funny.
Oh my God, you're my favorite.
You're my favorite
person ever--
"Ambron"-- "Amver" I've ever met.
We have the
same senses of humor.
Timmy, we are coming here every day!
- Hey guys, what happened?
- Lights in here, lights.
- Ugh.
- Aw.
- Who are you?
- What happened?
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!
- This light is not flattering for me.
- To say the least.
- Fuck you!
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- You big pile of dogshit.
- Wow.
Buzzkill, to say the least.
You have a lot of scars.
I've been to a lot of
fucking places, dude--
- Knife fight.
- Uh-huh.
- Baby.
- Yep.
Italy, melanoma, prison
knife fight in Italy.
Is someone gonna do something
with the music and the lights?
We're having a business luncheon here.
- Oh my God.
- He's got a gun, he's got a gun.
- Okay, assholes.
Uh-oh.
Someone needs to tell me
where Jenny is right now.
There was a Jenny
that used to work here.
- She doesn't work here anymore.
- Oh, that's Jenny
- who opened up the yarn store in Chicago.
- What?!
- And she had lupus.
- You're all lying to me!
Everyone in the main room. Until someone
finds my Jenny for me, you're all hostages.
This lunch is really
getting away from us.
What's this about?
Why are we tied up to poles?
I wanna see my girlfriend, that's all.
- It's very simple.
- Your girlfriend works here?
- Yes. Jenny.
- We told you-- Jenny has left town.
She's in Chicago.
She opened a yarn store
- and she's got lupus.
- She would've told me if she moved.
- Are you sure she was your girlfriend?
- Uh, yeah, I'm sure.
- Why? What did she--
- Oh, she only danced for me
every single time I came in here
and uh, let's see, what else?
Oh, yeah, I know.
She said I was her favorite.
- What are you, 11?
- You shut up, okay? Shut up!
We're staying here until the
police track Jenny down
and bring her to me.
- Wait, what-- what's this?
- A note?
Hey, nasty old stripper, go read that.
Excuse me, let's at least
behave like gentlemen here.
- It is a gentlemen's club.
- Yeah.
Okay.
It says, "Hey, dude, it's the police."
Come out and chat
if you want."
"Hey, dude"? What kind of
way is that to talk to me?
For a guy with a palm
tree on his shirt,
you're surprisingly
concerned with self-respect.
You, smart mouth,
you're coming with me.
I knew my sarcastic quips would be
the undoing of me at some point.
None of these jokes
are really landing.
Okay, we're coming out,
but don't try anything funny
or I'm gonna shoot this motherfucker.
Wait a second,
where is everybody?
Hey all?
Just you and and--
and the canine unit?
It's just me.
And he's not part of
the canine unit, all right?
He's my dog Gus.
And he's a good boy.
Right, Gus?
We've got another situation here, Gus,
that you're not part of.
Good boy. Who's a good boy?
This is a real hostage
situation, okay?
You need to take this seriously.
We have stopped doing the whole
standoff thing, alright?
Due to the budget cuts.
Just cost too much.
We gotta pay
for roadblocks,
we gotta get helicopters...
And don't even get me started
on the snipers. I hate those guys.
"Oh, I can shoot accurately...
"Oh, look, I can hit a nickel
- from this many yards."
- Ok, enough, enough.
Let's get the full department on this
or people are going to die.
- Starting with this guy.
- I have a name.
- What's your name?
- Stu-balls.
Now, those cops are just playing
with my head, okay?
The real cops are gonna show up soon
and I'm gonna make them
take me seriously.
Or else everyone dies.
- Are you crying, Stu?
- Uh-uh, I'm not crying.
Kind of looks like you're crying, bro.
- Are you sneezing quietly?
- I'm not ready to die.
I don't want my last meal
to be a boner dog.
- That's the reason?
- I'm not ready either.
I mean, the islanders have a serious
shot at the playoffs this year.
- You got the baby too.
- Well, the islanders though,
- that's the big one.
- Hey, you know, guys, if I get killed
and you don't, will you make sure
my little boy at least has food?
- Oh, yeah. How old is he?
- He's 32.
Okay, you!
You come with me.
- Who? Me?
- You. Yeah.
I thought Stu's your human shield.
No, he's too fat, too sweaty.
- That's what you want.
- You're perfect.
No, you want a big fat guy.
Thanks for having my back, Tim.
Okay, coming out again.
And I-- are you
kidding me?
Okay, let's negotiate here.
Okay, fine. I want you to track down
my girlfriend and bring her here.
Wish I could.
I'm not empowered to do much
except order pizzas.
- Pizzas?!
- You can get up to four large pies
with two toppings on each.
And it's Wednesday,
so it should be good.
Okay, you're not listening to me.
I'm going to murder people.
Let's be honest, okay?
You got three guys hanging out
at a strip club
at 11:00 am.
I think the world can
get by without them.
What's that supposed to mean?
No, this is not how it's
supposed to work, okay?
What topping do you want?!
I don't want a topping.
I want a SWAT team,
I want a news van, I
want snipers, okay?
Hold on, Gus is taking a poop.
Oh, it's solid.
You're the worst negotiator.
Okay, what were--
what were you saying?
I want a circus atmosphere, okay?
Look, I cannot give you
a circus atmosphere
unless you have $185,000
to reimburse the city.
- Oh, that is an inflated number.
- Does sound a little padded.
Now I suggest mushrooms and meatballs.
They're a terrific combination
when you're under stress.
Okay, guys, look, I--
I didn't wanna do this to you guys.
I know we're all really good friends,
but someone here needs to die, so I'm looking
for volunteers. Anyone want to volunteer?
- Not it.
- Me neither.
- Okay, not it. Okay, good. Not it.
- What? What?
- That's not--
- You're it, you're it.
- That's not a not-it situation.
- You're--
- No, that's how--
- Not a not-it situation.
- It-- the way that I am doing it, it is, okay?
- Oh my God.
So my question to you is,
are you ready to die?
- No.
- Okay. Well, that's okay,
because I'm going to
give you a countdown
from 70 to one and then I'm going to kill you.
So you have time to--
- from 70?
- Yes! You have time to put things in order.
What's the significance
of that number?
I'm giving you
more than the cliche time.
You seem a little nervous.
Yeah, I am.
I am-- I--
- Take a-- take a breath.
- Okay.
Don't kill anybody.
- If you want the media circus...
- Yes.
...and they say
it's too expensive,
I think I got a solution here.
- How's that grab you, huh?
- Corporate card. Hey-oh-oh.
- Oh.
- Sometimes you gotta bust out the card.
- Yeah!
- Right?
You're gonna do that for me?!
- I'll do it.
- I love it!
- We get each other, right?
- This is-- yeah,
you're having Stockholm
syndrome with me.
- Little bit.
- We're stockholming.
- A little bit.
- Okay.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
Is this still about Jenny
or are you now just--
- No, I'm getting into it.
- It's taken a left turn. It's taken a left turn.
We're getting into this now.
This is good.
This is what
I was always meant to do--
be a hostage-taker.
I love it!
All right, let's charge it!
Wow.
- I thought I was gonna die before.
- Yeah.
My balls were starting to go up inside me.
I was freaked out.
Just try to be emotional here. I uh--
it got me thinking about myself.
You know, I have changed a little.
Promotion got to me.
Just wanted to let you guys know
that you're still my best friends
- and I love you.
- Oh man, that's nice.
That's very sweet of you.
And if I wasn't tied to
this greasy stripper pole,
- I'd hug you, buddy.
- These things are ridiculously greasy, aren't they?
Whoa whoa whoa, you guys hear that? The choppers!
- Ow. Oh, wow.
- The choppers are coming. This is it! This is it.
Okay, do I look good?
Do I look all right?
- You look amazing.
- Oh, this is what I'm talking about.
Holy crap.
SWAT teams and choppers
and news trucks
and-- what the hell?
Where are the snipers?
There are supposed
to be-- oh!
Oh-hh!
- Ah, look at that.
I got shot with a sniper bullet.
Yes! That was
awe-- oh-hh.
Oh! Okay okay.
All right.
Just close the door if nothing else.
I got shot by snipers.
You're way too excited.
Finally, Mitch
is getting some resp--
I had no idea so much gross stuff
was inside the head.
- Okay, which one is Tim?
- Oh, right here.
Everyone's fine. Don't panic.
Don't start calling me a hero or anything.
I don't care about the hero thing.
I just need you to sign
this credit card receipt.
And the tip's been
taken care of already
'cause there has been a death.
Oh, Tim Tim Tim.
$20 at staples, $179 for entertainment
and $185,000
for the N.Y.P.D.
Mmm, gotta charge things.
- Tim.
- What's wrong?
We're all men here.
We know what went down.
- Marie's not a man.
- Thank you, Tim.
Well, look at it. It's all taped and tucked.
We know the deal.
- Marie wanted to fire you.
- Yeah.
But I've decided that we're simply
going to take it out of your pay.
- I don't make that much.
- So we're gonna go ahead
and dock your full salary.
So you'll work for free, uh, this year
- and then part of next year.
- So I don't get paychecks anymore?
- No more money for you.
- No no no no no, you spent that money, Tim.
So I hope you enjoyed that strip club.
Tim.
- Whoo!
- I just lost all my money for two years.
No, but seriously, now that that dude's gone...
...If it's any consolation, I'm super impressed
- with what you've done here.
- You're impressed?
For years we've had
this secret competition
to see who could submit the single
highest receipt from Bonerz.
- I'm the champ?
- Are you kidding?
The old record was held
by Hal Gleason for $9,000
and you just blew past him
by one-- $176,000.
- You seem very excited.
- Hal Gleason, get your sweet sweet ass in here.
- Hey, Tim.
- Hey.
- Congrats.
- Check out this plaque.
- Oh my God.
- What do you think about a photo?
- Two champs standing beside the plaque.
- No.
- I don't want any proof that this--
I'd be honored.
Okay, on the count of three, I want
you to say "I love Bonerz-zz."
A little closer.
One, two, three.
I love Bonerz-zz.
They've gotta change that name.
♪ No matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
All right, sitting on the floor.
You guys got some more pillows, I see.
- Yeah, they are new actually.
- Yeah, pier 1. Right?
- No.
- This is like an opium den
for losers. I love it.
Sorry I'm late. Whoa-aa!
Wow, that snow is insane.
Hey, Jules.
- Hey, Tim.
- So you guys know each other?
Yeah, through Amy.
- He grabbed my ass at new year's.
- Why are you bring--
you grabbed my ass at new year's.
Let's just say what happened.
It looks like Amy's from a distance.
- It's all good memories.
- Let's just move on.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's move on.
- All right, let's do this. Who's ready?
- Yeah.
- Game night! What are we gonna play first?
- I brought trivial pursuit.
Now come on, let's just play jenga.
We always play jenga.
- Uh, we can't.
- What do you mean?
I mean, I gave it to toys
for tots last Christmas.
To-- toys f-- tell me
you didn't just say that.
- It's not that big of a deal.
- You threw away
the best game ever invented,
the game which I have dominated
- since the late '90s?
- Let's just play
- the game that Julie brought.
- No.
It's all set up. I have all the pies.
I have a booster kit.
- Whoops. Oh, my wine! I spilled the wine.
- What? That was not--
- That was not a whoops.
- Can I talk to you?
- Can I talk to you? I'm talking to you.
- No, Tim, I need--
- No. No.
- You're not talking to me.
- Do not do this.
- Are you kidding me with toys for fucking tots?
- Again?
- What are the tots doing with my game?
- My friends do not like you.
- Oh, please.
Do me a fa-- you know they
don't like you. Just try.
- How do you not--
- Can you just try to make a good impression?
- How do you not like Tim?
- Tim, they think you're an idiot.
All right, you know what?
I'll be the bigger man. I'll be a good host
- and uh, suck it up.
- Thank you.
Everyone, we've thought it through
and the smart play is definitely
- for Tim to zip out and buy jenga real quick.
- What?!
- It's gotta happen. It's gonna happen.
- It's freezing out there.
- Serious, it is blizzarding.
- Dude, it is so cold out there.
- This is not--
- Look at me, I'm a tough man.
We did not agree-- this
is not what we agreed to.
No, this has all been agreed upon.
I'll be back in half hour tops.
Make chitchat.
Have some crackers.
This is gonna be a fun night.
I think this was a good decision.
What kind of ridiculous
girlfriend gives away jenga?
- Oh, D-Debbie?!
- Tim.
- What are you doing out here?
- Oh, you know.
- No, I don't. It's freezing!
- Well, I was working
and then a potential client
offered me $10 to lick my butt.
- Lick your butt?
- I said, "Go ahead,"
lick me where the good lord split me.
- That's a weird story.
- It gets weirder.
He got it all wet up in there.
And I leaned up in my sexy Debbie pose
- and my butt got stuck to the pole.
- Oh, no.
Frozen pole-butt--
ain't nothing worse.
Frozen pole-butt
is pretty bad.
- You're telling me?
- We just gotta get you off of there.
I know. I had to fart
like two minutes ago.
Too much--
too much information.
I couldn't do it, Tim. I couldn't do it.
Let me-- let me run into that store.
Let me see if they got anything.
- Oh please, Tim.
- Sit tight, sit tight.
I can't sit, but thank you.
Um, why don't we play
something while we wait?
- Uh, we can play, like, truth or dare.
- Spin the bottle?
- I'm not playing that with you. No.
- Yeah, no.
How 'bout we play how did
you lose your virginity?
- What? No, come on.
- Who popped your cherry in your case.
- Yeah, I got it when you said the virginity thing.
- Is that a game or is--?
Yeah yeah yeah. We'll each tell
our story, then we'll vote.
Best story wins five
bucks from everybody.
- Uh, mine's real good.
- Okay, Stu, you start.
Very well.
I was in high-school
biology class
- dissecting a frog--
- That's the way it starts, bro?
Who's telling the story, dicklick?
I was in
high-school biology class
dissecting a frog and my
teacher was incredibly hot--
like, Celine Dion
four months pregnant hot.
All right, that's enough, Stuart.
Oh, have you had enough of me?
- Yes, Stuart, I've had enough of you.
- Are you sure?
'Cause it sounds like
somebody wants to get
Stu-uu-'d.
Just thought of that catchphrase.
I'm gonna use it from now on.
Stu, your rebellious bad-boy
attitude might be sexy
- to some teachers and administrators...
- Really?
...but not me. I wanna
see you after school
- in my office, alone.
- Okay.
And don't wear any pants.
Because you are gonna get spanked
and spanked and spanked.
Bullshit alert.
- Did not happen.
- You have to tell the truth.
That story's true--
start to finish.
- Not true.
- If I were lying,
how would I know that
when I had sex with her
there were a bunch
of teachers in there
and I was so good at sex that they
gave me a faculty parking spot
and I was the only kid who
was allowed to drink coffee?
- These are close friends of Tim?
- I don't know what to say.
Hey, excuse me.
Do you have any olive oil here?
Do we have olive oil?
That's what I asked you.
Does fresh juniper
go well with venison?
I have no idea.
Oh, it does. It does.
- It goes well with venison, that's why--
- Oh, gourmet humor.
It's a-- it's a joke.
It's a joke I like to--
I like to keep it light.
I'm gonna recommend this
one if you want olive oil.
It's from Puglia,
all right? It's $10.99.
- It's--
- I don't understand half the words you're using.
It's infused with truffles.
Do you understand that?
It's divine. Do you understand that?
Just give me the cheapest one you got.
Oh, come on, you're gonna love it.
You'll thank me.
I really don't want it.
Just give me the cheap one, come on.
- If you put this on arugula, you're in heaven.
- Knock it off.
- Do people ever say you're annoying?
- Uh, no, they don't.
- They don't ever say that to you?
- You know what they say to me?
They say thank you.
My story's gonna blow Stu's away.
I don't even need to embellish
because it's all true.
- Oh, this'll be fun.
- I was 12 years old
and my old man said, "Put
down the baseball mitt, Rod.
- We're going to a whorehouse."
- Okay.
Rodney, we did not drive two
hours to buffalo, New York,
for you to lay there with a limp dick!
- Dad, I don't know what to do.
- Just shove it in.
Shove what?
Where do you want me to shove it?
- Jeez, I have to do everything. Relax.
- No!
No, don't do that.
Mom! Mom!
That was horrific.
That could not be
considered a good memory.
No, I mean, my dad wasn't
around much growing up,
so any bonding experience whatsoever
is a good memory for me.
All right, Debbie, I'm gonna
pour it on your butt,
- and then I need you to shimmy--
- Oh, I can do that.
All right.
And shimmy.
- Ooh. Whoo-hoo, ooh.
- Shimmy.
- Shimmy.
- Oh, I think it's working, Tim.
- Is it working?
- Ooh, you need to-- you need to patent this.
- All right.
- "Tim's gourmet pole-butt remover," you could call it.
- I like that.
- Oh, I'm free!
- Oh, look at that.
- Tim.
Oh, look at that.
That's exciting.
You a godsend, an angel
sent from heaven.
- I really am.
- I'm going inside.
What are you doing out here
in this crazy weather anyway?
Oh, man, I gotta-- I gotta get
across town and buy jenga.
- What?
- The board game by-- by Hasbro.
Tim, we lead very
different lives, don't we?
- Hello.
- Hey, Bashko.
Sorry to stick head
in door like criminal,
but please do not use water.
- Pipes is frozen.
- Dude, you should come in
- and play this game with us.
- What, jenga?
No, Tim is undefeated, he tells me.
No. We're actually playing how
did you lose your virginity?
Let's see.
It happen in Ukraine.
Invite her on picnic.
We ate cheese.
We drink wine. Then we make love
for what seemed like hours.
That's actually like a
really beautiful story.
Did I mention she was goat?
When I look into our eyes,
I don't see a goat.
I see a beautiful woman
who happens to be stuck
in the body of a male goat.
I love you male goat woman.
Anyway, stay cool.
That's a joke. Stay warm.
All right, ring her up.
Really coming down out there, huh?
- Ridiculous.
- Boy, you must've really needed jenga.
I really like the game.
All right,
$12.29 with tax.
Oh, no, I only have $9 left.
Oops.
Did you screw up?
Is it cheaper than that?
- No. No. It's $12.29.
- I'm saying--
- you're saying oops on my behalf.
- I'm saying, "Oops,"
you made a mistake by not
having the necessary money."
- Uh, can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
- Does Kmart barter?
- Barter?
- Like--
- Like in olden times when someone would say,
"Hey, I'll give you a chicken,
you give me some salt"?
- No, we don't do that.
- How come?
How come?
Well, we're just in modern times.
That's the only problem-- that it's today.
If it weren't today
- we could do it, but it is.
- Why are you--
why are you so hung up on the
age that we're living in?
Just barter with me, take the oil.
Look what happens when I
try to put this olive oil
in the cash register. Look, doesn't fit.
I don't have a tray the size
of this bottle of olive oil.
- Do I?
- You're just being a jerk at this point.
Guys, I'm starting to get
a little worried about Tim.
Ah, Tim's fine.
Let's hear your story.
You know, I don't think I've
ever even heard this story.
Amy's gonna describe herself
having sex. Shut up!
I actually haven't even
ever told Tim this, but um,
- I lost my virginity to him.
- Really?!
Ugh.
♪ I wanna lay you down ♪
♪ rub it in between
my cheeks ... ♪
So do you believe in soulmates?
I sure as heck do.
Aw-ww.
You're like Katherine
Heigl in that story.
- It was really romantic.
- Look who's home.
- Aw-ww.
- Hey, Tim.
- Timmy.
- 10 minutes flat.
- Where's jenga?
- I had a change of heart.
I didn't get the game.
I just instead...
Thought you might like
this gourmet olive oil.
That's so nice.
But random.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, well, you know, it's just-- it's for you.
Yeah, we don't need jenga anyway.
We're playing how did you
lose your virginity?
That's a probing question,
that's not a game, that's--
- come on, Tim.
- All right, fine.
It's actually a pretty good story.
It was my homecoming weekend
- of sophomore year at college.
- Mm-hmm.
And I was pledging a frat.
Okay, little dudes,
welcome to the annual
Dick Bonington's Humpathon.
Any pledge who
can nail five women in one weekend
is granted automatic admission.
Gentlemen, start your boners.
- Dick Bonington's what?!
- Humpathon.
Trust me, this story
comes around in the end.
Uh, so that afternoon,
I lost my virginity
to a woman named Brenda
who worked at the cafeteria.
And later that night, double-teamed
two sorority girls.
It's kind of sloppy,
but counted twice.
- Hey now.
- Technically, Amy was #4,
but I knew I was in love. I told the
frat I was quitting the contest
- 'cause I didn't wanna go through with the fifth.
- Wow, that's romantic as shit.
I'm disappointed, but I understand.
Dick Bonington would have been proud.
Thank you, that's really
nice of you to say.
I don't even know what I just said.
I'm fucked up as all hell.
I-- I knew I was in love.
Isn't that romantic?
I'm just gonna go out on a limb here
and say no--
not romantic,
Tim.
Amy, hey, what are you--
What am I missing here?
I did not go through with the fifth
- 'cause I was in love--
With the fourth.
- No one sees the romance?
- If it's any consolation,
- you win this contest.
- Oh wow, 20 bucks.
You're never coming back
for game night, are you?
No.
This is why I play jenga.
♪ I bet a nickel I could tell
you if it was heads or tails ♪
♪ I'm not gonna worry
wrinkles in my brow ♪
♪ 'cause nothing's ever
gonna be all right nohow ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
that's getting kinda mad ♪
♪ I had lots of luck
but it's all been bad ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive ♪
♪ my fishing pole's broke,
the creek is full of sand ♪
♪ my woman ran away with another man ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
- Guys.
- What?!
- Come on.
- What do you mean, come on?
You said pick any restaurant
and you would treat us
on your corporate card
it's not a restaurant.
It's called Bonerz with a "z."
- Yeah.
- They serve food, so it's a restaurant.
All right. Is this gonna show
up on my corporate card as--
- as Bonerz?
- Yes.
- Yes?
- Yes-- all caps.
By the way, isn't this a
weird name for a strip club?
What's your problem with "Bonerz"?
Doesn't it make it sound kind of gay?
- What? Fuck! Holy--
- No one's ever suggested that?
Wow, fuck you!
I'm not-- we're not gay.
It's clear as day.
You walk into a strip club and you see butt,
you see breast, you see pretty
girls, and you get what?
- Boners.
- You get boners.
Hey, that's the end result.
Come on in.
You could have called
it Boobz with a "z."
That's just childish.
This is actually very good.
I'm not gonna lie.
Uh, this is the best
lunch ever, Timmy.
Hey, guys, you want a dance?
Yes, I do. How-- well,
how much for dances?
Okay, it's $40 a dance
or $100 for the champagne room.
Ooh, champagne room all around.
- Put it on Timmy's card.
- No-no, no-no.
We're here for lunch.
We're here for the restaurant aspect.
- Oh. Come on.
- Oh. I'm sad.
- You like Pauly Shore?
- Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
- She thinks I'm funny.
- She does think you're funny.
Timmy, come on.
Let's get in there, man.
I can't put a lap dance on my card.
You know, Tim, you've really changed.
You're not fun anymore.
Yeah, I'm gonna agree with this guy.
- You are not fun anymore.
- They check the statements.
- Timmy, it's the champagne room.
- Yeah?
In that room they serve beverages.
Beverages are technically
part of lunch.
- This is totally acceptable.
- That's actually a good point.
- Yeah.
- All right, let's do this.
That's right.
Mmm. Mmm.
Ooh. Ooh.
How's my boy?
Yeah, he's doing real good.
- Thank you for asking.
- I'm Amber, by the way.
Oh, hey, I'm Stu.
Or you can call me Stuballs or Stuart
or Baby Doc Duvall. It doesn't--
Doesn't really matter.
You are so funny.
Oh my God, you're my favorite.
You're my favorite
person ever--
"Ambron"-- "Amver" I've ever met.
We have the
same senses of humor.
Timmy, we are coming here every day!
- Hey guys, what happened?
- Lights in here, lights.
- Ugh.
- Aw.
- Who are you?
- What happened?
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!
- This light is not flattering for me.
- To say the least.
- Fuck you!
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- You big pile of dogshit.
- Wow.
Buzzkill, to say the least.
You have a lot of scars.
I've been to a lot of
fucking places, dude--
- Knife fight.
- Uh-huh.
- Baby.
- Yep.
Italy, melanoma, prison
knife fight in Italy.
Is someone gonna do something
with the music and the lights?
We're having a business luncheon here.
- Oh my God.
- He's got a gun, he's got a gun.
- Okay, assholes.
Uh-oh.
Someone needs to tell me
where Jenny is right now.
There was a Jenny
that used to work here.
- She doesn't work here anymore.
- Oh, that's Jenny
- who opened up the yarn store in Chicago.
- What?!
- And she had lupus.
- You're all lying to me!
Everyone in the main room. Until someone
finds my Jenny for me, you're all hostages.
This lunch is really
getting away from us.
What's this about?
Why are we tied up to poles?
I wanna see my girlfriend, that's all.
- It's very simple.
- Your girlfriend works here?
- Yes. Jenny.
- We told you-- Jenny has left town.
She's in Chicago.
She opened a yarn store
- and she's got lupus.
- She would've told me if she moved.
- Are you sure she was your girlfriend?
- Uh, yeah, I'm sure.
- Why? What did she--
- Oh, she only danced for me
every single time I came in here
and uh, let's see, what else?
Oh, yeah, I know.
She said I was her favorite.
- What are you, 11?
- You shut up, okay? Shut up!
We're staying here until the
police track Jenny down
and bring her to me.
- Wait, what-- what's this?
- A note?
Hey, nasty old stripper, go read that.
Excuse me, let's at least
behave like gentlemen here.
- It is a gentlemen's club.
- Yeah.
Okay.
It says, "Hey, dude, it's the police."
Come out and chat
if you want."
"Hey, dude"? What kind of
way is that to talk to me?
For a guy with a palm
tree on his shirt,
you're surprisingly
concerned with self-respect.
You, smart mouth,
you're coming with me.
I knew my sarcastic quips would be
the undoing of me at some point.
None of these jokes
are really landing.
Okay, we're coming out,
but don't try anything funny
or I'm gonna shoot this motherfucker.
Wait a second,
where is everybody?
Hey all?
Just you and and--
and the canine unit?
It's just me.
And he's not part of
the canine unit, all right?
He's my dog Gus.
And he's a good boy.
Right, Gus?
We've got another situation here, Gus,
that you're not part of.
Good boy. Who's a good boy?
This is a real hostage
situation, okay?
You need to take this seriously.
We have stopped doing the whole
standoff thing, alright?
Due to the budget cuts.
Just cost too much.
We gotta pay
for roadblocks,
we gotta get helicopters...
And don't even get me started
on the snipers. I hate those guys.
"Oh, I can shoot accurately...
"Oh, look, I can hit a nickel
- from this many yards."
- Ok, enough, enough.
Let's get the full department on this
or people are going to die.
- Starting with this guy.
- I have a name.
- What's your name?
- Stu-balls.
Now, those cops are just playing
with my head, okay?
The real cops are gonna show up soon
and I'm gonna make them
take me seriously.
Or else everyone dies.
- Are you crying, Stu?
- Uh-uh, I'm not crying.
Kind of looks like you're crying, bro.
- Are you sneezing quietly?
- I'm not ready to die.
I don't want my last meal
to be a boner dog.
- That's the reason?
- I'm not ready either.
I mean, the islanders have a serious
shot at the playoffs this year.
- You got the baby too.
- Well, the islanders though,
- that's the big one.
- Hey, you know, guys, if I get killed
and you don't, will you make sure
my little boy at least has food?
- Oh, yeah. How old is he?
- He's 32.
Okay, you!
You come with me.
- Who? Me?
- You. Yeah.
I thought Stu's your human shield.
No, he's too fat, too sweaty.
- That's what you want.
- You're perfect.
No, you want a big fat guy.
Thanks for having my back, Tim.
Okay, coming out again.
And I-- are you
kidding me?
Okay, let's negotiate here.
Okay, fine. I want you to track down
my girlfriend and bring her here.
Wish I could.
I'm not empowered to do much
except order pizzas.
- Pizzas?!
- You can get up to four large pies
with two toppings on each.
And it's Wednesday,
so it should be good.
Okay, you're not listening to me.
I'm going to murder people.
Let's be honest, okay?
You got three guys hanging out
at a strip club
at 11:00 am.
I think the world can
get by without them.
What's that supposed to mean?
No, this is not how it's
supposed to work, okay?
What topping do you want?!
I don't want a topping.
I want a SWAT team,
I want a news van, I
want snipers, okay?
Hold on, Gus is taking a poop.
Oh, it's solid.
You're the worst negotiator.
Okay, what were--
what were you saying?
I want a circus atmosphere, okay?
Look, I cannot give you
a circus atmosphere
unless you have $185,000
to reimburse the city.
- Oh, that is an inflated number.
- Does sound a little padded.
Now I suggest mushrooms and meatballs.
They're a terrific combination
when you're under stress.
Okay, guys, look, I--
I didn't wanna do this to you guys.
I know we're all really good friends,
but someone here needs to die, so I'm looking
for volunteers. Anyone want to volunteer?
- Not it.
- Me neither.
- Okay, not it. Okay, good. Not it.
- What? What?
- That's not--
- You're it, you're it.
- That's not a not-it situation.
- You're--
- No, that's how--
- Not a not-it situation.
- It-- the way that I am doing it, it is, okay?
- Oh my God.
So my question to you is,
are you ready to die?
- No.
- Okay. Well, that's okay,
because I'm going to
give you a countdown
from 70 to one and then I'm going to kill you.
So you have time to--
- from 70?
- Yes! You have time to put things in order.
What's the significance
of that number?
I'm giving you
more than the cliche time.
You seem a little nervous.
Yeah, I am.
I am-- I--
- Take a-- take a breath.
- Okay.
Don't kill anybody.
- If you want the media circus...
- Yes.
...and they say
it's too expensive,
I think I got a solution here.
- How's that grab you, huh?
- Corporate card. Hey-oh-oh.
- Oh.
- Sometimes you gotta bust out the card.
- Yeah!
- Right?
You're gonna do that for me?!
- I'll do it.
- I love it!
- We get each other, right?
- This is-- yeah,
you're having Stockholm
syndrome with me.
- Little bit.
- We're stockholming.
- A little bit.
- Okay.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
Is this still about Jenny
or are you now just--
- No, I'm getting into it.
- It's taken a left turn. It's taken a left turn.
We're getting into this now.
This is good.
This is what
I was always meant to do--
be a hostage-taker.
I love it!
All right, let's charge it!
Wow.
- I thought I was gonna die before.
- Yeah.
My balls were starting to go up inside me.
I was freaked out.
Just try to be emotional here. I uh--
it got me thinking about myself.
You know, I have changed a little.
Promotion got to me.
Just wanted to let you guys know
that you're still my best friends
- and I love you.
- Oh man, that's nice.
That's very sweet of you.
And if I wasn't tied to
this greasy stripper pole,
- I'd hug you, buddy.
- These things are ridiculously greasy, aren't they?
Whoa whoa whoa, you guys hear that? The choppers!
- Ow. Oh, wow.
- The choppers are coming. This is it! This is it.
Okay, do I look good?
Do I look all right?
- You look amazing.
- Oh, this is what I'm talking about.
Holy crap.
SWAT teams and choppers
and news trucks
and-- what the hell?
Where are the snipers?
There are supposed
to be-- oh!
Oh-hh!
- Ah, look at that.
I got shot with a sniper bullet.
Yes! That was
awe-- oh-hh.
Oh! Okay okay.
All right.
Just close the door if nothing else.
I got shot by snipers.
You're way too excited.
Finally, Mitch
is getting some resp--
I had no idea so much gross stuff
was inside the head.
- Okay, which one is Tim?
- Oh, right here.
Everyone's fine. Don't panic.
Don't start calling me a hero or anything.
I don't care about the hero thing.
I just need you to sign
this credit card receipt.
And the tip's been
taken care of already
'cause there has been a death.
Oh, Tim Tim Tim.
$20 at staples, $179 for entertainment
and $185,000
for the N.Y.P.D.
Mmm, gotta charge things.
- Tim.
- What's wrong?
We're all men here.
We know what went down.
- Marie's not a man.
- Thank you, Tim.
Well, look at it. It's all taped and tucked.
We know the deal.
- Marie wanted to fire you.
- Yeah.
But I've decided that we're simply
going to take it out of your pay.
- I don't make that much.
- So we're gonna go ahead
and dock your full salary.
So you'll work for free, uh, this year
- and then part of next year.
- So I don't get paychecks anymore?
- No more money for you.
- No no no no no, you spent that money, Tim.
So I hope you enjoyed that strip club.
Tim.
- Whoo!
- I just lost all my money for two years.
No, but seriously, now that that dude's gone...
...If it's any consolation, I'm super impressed
- with what you've done here.
- You're impressed?
For years we've had
this secret competition
to see who could submit the single
highest receipt from Bonerz.
- I'm the champ?
- Are you kidding?
The old record was held
by Hal Gleason for $9,000
and you just blew past him
by one-- $176,000.
- You seem very excited.
- Hal Gleason, get your sweet sweet ass in here.
- Hey, Tim.
- Hey.
- Congrats.
- Check out this plaque.
- Oh my God.
- What do you think about a photo?
- Two champs standing beside the plaque.
- No.
- I don't want any proof that this--
I'd be honored.
Okay, on the count of three, I want
you to say "I love Bonerz-zz."
A little closer.
One, two, three.
I love Bonerz-zz.
They've gotta change that name.
♪ No matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
All right, sitting on the floor.
You guys got some more pillows, I see.
- Yeah, they are new actually.
- Yeah, pier 1. Right?
- No.
- This is like an opium den
for losers. I love it.
Sorry I'm late. Whoa-aa!
Wow, that snow is insane.
Hey, Jules.
- Hey, Tim.
- So you guys know each other?
Yeah, through Amy.
- He grabbed my ass at new year's.
- Why are you bring--
you grabbed my ass at new year's.
Let's just say what happened.
It looks like Amy's from a distance.
- It's all good memories.
- Let's just move on.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's move on.
- All right, let's do this. Who's ready?
- Yeah.
- Game night! What are we gonna play first?
- I brought trivial pursuit.
Now come on, let's just play jenga.
We always play jenga.
- Uh, we can't.
- What do you mean?
I mean, I gave it to toys
for tots last Christmas.
To-- toys f-- tell me
you didn't just say that.
- It's not that big of a deal.
- You threw away
the best game ever invented,
the game which I have dominated
- since the late '90s?
- Let's just play
- the game that Julie brought.
- No.
It's all set up. I have all the pies.
I have a booster kit.
- Whoops. Oh, my wine! I spilled the wine.
- What? That was not--
- That was not a whoops.
- Can I talk to you?
- Can I talk to you? I'm talking to you.
- No, Tim, I need--
- No. No.
- You're not talking to me.
- Do not do this.
- Are you kidding me with toys for fucking tots?
- Again?
- What are the tots doing with my game?
- My friends do not like you.
- Oh, please.
Do me a fa-- you know they
don't like you. Just try.
- How do you not--
- Can you just try to make a good impression?
- How do you not like Tim?
- Tim, they think you're an idiot.
All right, you know what?
I'll be the bigger man. I'll be a good host
- and uh, suck it up.
- Thank you.
Everyone, we've thought it through
and the smart play is definitely
- for Tim to zip out and buy jenga real quick.
- What?!
- It's gotta happen. It's gonna happen.
- It's freezing out there.
- Serious, it is blizzarding.
- Dude, it is so cold out there.
- This is not--
- Look at me, I'm a tough man.
We did not agree-- this
is not what we agreed to.
No, this has all been agreed upon.
I'll be back in half hour tops.
Make chitchat.
Have some crackers.
This is gonna be a fun night.
I think this was a good decision.
What kind of ridiculous
girlfriend gives away jenga?
- Oh, D-Debbie?!
- Tim.
- What are you doing out here?
- Oh, you know.
- No, I don't. It's freezing!
- Well, I was working
and then a potential client
offered me $10 to lick my butt.
- Lick your butt?
- I said, "Go ahead,"
lick me where the good lord split me.
- That's a weird story.
- It gets weirder.
He got it all wet up in there.
And I leaned up in my sexy Debbie pose
- and my butt got stuck to the pole.
- Oh, no.
Frozen pole-butt--
ain't nothing worse.
Frozen pole-butt
is pretty bad.
- You're telling me?
- We just gotta get you off of there.
I know. I had to fart
like two minutes ago.
Too much--
too much information.
I couldn't do it, Tim. I couldn't do it.
Let me-- let me run into that store.
Let me see if they got anything.
- Oh please, Tim.
- Sit tight, sit tight.
I can't sit, but thank you.
Um, why don't we play
something while we wait?
- Uh, we can play, like, truth or dare.
- Spin the bottle?
- I'm not playing that with you. No.
- Yeah, no.
How 'bout we play how did
you lose your virginity?
- What? No, come on.
- Who popped your cherry in your case.
- Yeah, I got it when you said the virginity thing.
- Is that a game or is--?
Yeah yeah yeah. We'll each tell
our story, then we'll vote.
Best story wins five
bucks from everybody.
- Uh, mine's real good.
- Okay, Stu, you start.
Very well.
I was in high-school
biology class
- dissecting a frog--
- That's the way it starts, bro?
Who's telling the story, dicklick?
I was in
high-school biology class
dissecting a frog and my
teacher was incredibly hot--
like, Celine Dion
four months pregnant hot.
All right, that's enough, Stuart.
Oh, have you had enough of me?
- Yes, Stuart, I've had enough of you.
- Are you sure?
'Cause it sounds like
somebody wants to get
Stu-uu-'d.
Just thought of that catchphrase.
I'm gonna use it from now on.
Stu, your rebellious bad-boy
attitude might be sexy
- to some teachers and administrators...
- Really?
...but not me. I wanna
see you after school
- in my office, alone.
- Okay.
And don't wear any pants.
Because you are gonna get spanked
and spanked and spanked.
Bullshit alert.
- Did not happen.
- You have to tell the truth.
That story's true--
start to finish.
- Not true.
- If I were lying,
how would I know that
when I had sex with her
there were a bunch
of teachers in there
and I was so good at sex that they
gave me a faculty parking spot
and I was the only kid who
was allowed to drink coffee?
- These are close friends of Tim?
- I don't know what to say.
Hey, excuse me.
Do you have any olive oil here?
Do we have olive oil?
That's what I asked you.
Does fresh juniper
go well with venison?
I have no idea.
Oh, it does. It does.
- It goes well with venison, that's why--
- Oh, gourmet humor.
It's a-- it's a joke.
It's a joke I like to--
I like to keep it light.
I'm gonna recommend this
one if you want olive oil.
It's from Puglia,
all right? It's $10.99.
- It's--
- I don't understand half the words you're using.
It's infused with truffles.
Do you understand that?
It's divine. Do you understand that?
Just give me the cheapest one you got.
Oh, come on, you're gonna love it.
You'll thank me.
I really don't want it.
Just give me the cheap one, come on.
- If you put this on arugula, you're in heaven.
- Knock it off.
- Do people ever say you're annoying?
- Uh, no, they don't.
- They don't ever say that to you?
- You know what they say to me?
They say thank you.
My story's gonna blow Stu's away.
I don't even need to embellish
because it's all true.
- Oh, this'll be fun.
- I was 12 years old
and my old man said, "Put
down the baseball mitt, Rod.
- We're going to a whorehouse."
- Okay.
Rodney, we did not drive two
hours to buffalo, New York,
for you to lay there with a limp dick!
- Dad, I don't know what to do.
- Just shove it in.
Shove what?
Where do you want me to shove it?
- Jeez, I have to do everything. Relax.
- No!
No, don't do that.
Mom! Mom!
That was horrific.
That could not be
considered a good memory.
No, I mean, my dad wasn't
around much growing up,
so any bonding experience whatsoever
is a good memory for me.
All right, Debbie, I'm gonna
pour it on your butt,
- and then I need you to shimmy--
- Oh, I can do that.
All right.
And shimmy.
- Ooh. Whoo-hoo, ooh.
- Shimmy.
- Shimmy.
- Oh, I think it's working, Tim.
- Is it working?
- Ooh, you need to-- you need to patent this.
- All right.
- "Tim's gourmet pole-butt remover," you could call it.
- I like that.
- Oh, I'm free!
- Oh, look at that.
- Tim.
Oh, look at that.
That's exciting.
You a godsend, an angel
sent from heaven.
- I really am.
- I'm going inside.
What are you doing out here
in this crazy weather anyway?
Oh, man, I gotta-- I gotta get
across town and buy jenga.
- What?
- The board game by-- by Hasbro.
Tim, we lead very
different lives, don't we?
- Hello.
- Hey, Bashko.
Sorry to stick head
in door like criminal,
but please do not use water.
- Pipes is frozen.
- Dude, you should come in
- and play this game with us.
- What, jenga?
No, Tim is undefeated, he tells me.
No. We're actually playing how
did you lose your virginity?
Let's see.
It happen in Ukraine.
Invite her on picnic.
We ate cheese.
We drink wine. Then we make love
for what seemed like hours.
That's actually like a
really beautiful story.
Did I mention she was goat?
When I look into our eyes,
I don't see a goat.
I see a beautiful woman
who happens to be stuck
in the body of a male goat.
I love you male goat woman.
Anyway, stay cool.
That's a joke. Stay warm.
All right, ring her up.
Really coming down out there, huh?
- Ridiculous.
- Boy, you must've really needed jenga.
I really like the game.
All right,
$12.29 with tax.
Oh, no, I only have $9 left.
Oops.
Did you screw up?
Is it cheaper than that?
- No. No. It's $12.29.
- I'm saying--
- you're saying oops on my behalf.
- I'm saying, "Oops,"
you made a mistake by not
having the necessary money."
- Uh, can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
- Does Kmart barter?
- Barter?
- Like--
- Like in olden times when someone would say,
"Hey, I'll give you a chicken,
you give me some salt"?
- No, we don't do that.
- How come?
How come?
Well, we're just in modern times.
That's the only problem-- that it's today.
If it weren't today
- we could do it, but it is.
- Why are you--
why are you so hung up on the
age that we're living in?
Just barter with me, take the oil.
Look what happens when I
try to put this olive oil
in the cash register. Look, doesn't fit.
I don't have a tray the size
of this bottle of olive oil.
- Do I?
- You're just being a jerk at this point.
Guys, I'm starting to get
a little worried about Tim.
Ah, Tim's fine.
Let's hear your story.
You know, I don't think I've
ever even heard this story.
Amy's gonna describe herself
having sex. Shut up!
I actually haven't even
ever told Tim this, but um,
- I lost my virginity to him.
- Really?!
Ugh.
♪ I wanna lay you down ♪
♪ rub it in between
my cheeks ... ♪
So do you believe in soulmates?
I sure as heck do.
Aw-ww.
You're like Katherine
Heigl in that story.
- It was really romantic.
- Look who's home.
- Aw-ww.
- Hey, Tim.
- Timmy.
- 10 minutes flat.
- Where's jenga?
- I had a change of heart.
I didn't get the game.
I just instead...
Thought you might like
this gourmet olive oil.
That's so nice.
But random.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, well, you know, it's just-- it's for you.
Yeah, we don't need jenga anyway.
We're playing how did you
lose your virginity?
That's a probing question,
that's not a game, that's--
- come on, Tim.
- All right, fine.
It's actually a pretty good story.
It was my homecoming weekend
- of sophomore year at college.
- Mm-hmm.
And I was pledging a frat.
Okay, little dudes,
welcome to the annual
Dick Bonington's Humpathon.
Any pledge who
can nail five women in one weekend
is granted automatic admission.
Gentlemen, start your boners.
- Dick Bonington's what?!
- Humpathon.
Trust me, this story
comes around in the end.
Uh, so that afternoon,
I lost my virginity
to a woman named Brenda
who worked at the cafeteria.
And later that night, double-teamed
two sorority girls.
It's kind of sloppy,
but counted twice.
- Hey now.
- Technically, Amy was #4,
but I knew I was in love. I told the
frat I was quitting the contest
- 'cause I didn't wanna go through with the fifth.
- Wow, that's romantic as shit.
I'm disappointed, but I understand.
Dick Bonington would have been proud.
Thank you, that's really
nice of you to say.
I don't even know what I just said.
I'm fucked up as all hell.
I-- I knew I was in love.
Isn't that romantic?
I'm just gonna go out on a limb here
and say no--
not romantic,
Tim.
Amy, hey, what are you--
What am I missing here?
I did not go through with the fifth
- 'cause I was in love--
With the fourth.
- No one sees the romance?
- If it's any consolation,
- you win this contest.
- Oh wow, 20 bucks.
You're never coming back
for game night, are you?
No.
This is why I play jenga.
♪ I bet a nickel I could tell
you if it was heads or tails ♪
♪ I'm not gonna worry
wrinkles in my brow ♪
♪ 'cause nothing's ever
gonna be all right nohow ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪