The Librarians (2014–2018): Season 4, Episode 10 - And Some Dude Named Jeff - full transcript

Jenkins!

Where was the artifact found?

La Brea Tar Pits.

A volunteer at the
paleontology department

uncovered it by accident.

From the description of it,
sounds like the Osiris Stone,

which has the
power to reanimate.

Which explains all
the saber-toothed tigers

running through the
streets of Los Angeles.

Jenkins, we need a door!

I grabbed some spears
from the weapons room.



I found some nets. Gosh, I hope they're
big enough for saber-toothed tigers.

Uh, make that woolly mammoths.
Someone just Instagrammed

- one of them crashing into a tour bus.
- (PEOPLE SCREAMING ON PHONE)

We're gonna need bigger nets.

- Jenkins?
- JENKINS: Coming!

Jenkins, there you are.

We need a door to the La
Brea Tar Pits, buddy, now.

Yeah, sure. One door coming up.

(POWERING UP)

Good luck, Librarians.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(CYMBAL CRASHING)



I don't think this is right.

Hello.

Anyone here?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Jeff Peppers.

Oh, my...

Oh, my dear God.

- Jeff!
- (EXCLAIMS)

What are you doing, Brad
Pitt, staring at yourself?

No, madam, you...

You overslept again, Jeff.

You gotta feed the babies.

I'm not him. He's not me.

And, after you're done,
I've got a list of chores.

I need you to fix that
dish. It's acting screwy.

I thought we could watch
a Wheel of Fortune later.

Wait, madam, I beseech
you to listen to me.

Something horrible
has happened...

Well, something horrible
is about to happen

if you don't get up those
stairs and feed the babies.

I will do no such thing...

Feed the babies!
Feed the babies!

- I will not feed your bab...
- Get up there.

You know what
your responsibility is.

- Listen... I know... I can't...
- Get in there.

All right, don't forget to clean all
the litter boxes and refill their bowls.

The eyedropper for poor little
Tessie's pinkeye is on the counter.

Otto's got ringworm again, so don't
forget to give him those suppositories.

What are you waiting for?

I...

Soap, soap, soap!

- You want some breakfast?
- No, I've gotta get to the Library.

Library?

- (SCOFFS) But you hate reading.
- Is that his car?

Jeff, what about my Wheel?
You promised you'd fix the dish.

Oh, God, what is that smell?

Just... Come on!

Damn it.

(HORN HONKING)

Yo, dude! Jeff!
Let's get a move on.

- Jeff!
- Jeff!

I am not...

Never mind, just pl...
Go. Go away, please.

Hop in. We're gonna
be late for work.

I'm not going to your work.

Oh, playing hooky.

You gonna get in
so much trouble.

SCHMIDT: Just call
in sick. It's what I do.

Who's gonna know?

Well, technically, I'm the assistant
manager, so I'm supposed to report it.

Dennis, please, I was talking.

- Where you need to go, Jeff?
- Yeah, we'll drive you.

Yes, fine. Take me
to St. John's Bridge.

St. John's. Why,
thinking of jumping off?

Not a bad idea right now.

Want a Ring Pop?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Stop! Stop! Let me out of here.

Okay, well, we
still on for later?

- No.
- Cool. See you then.

- Bye, Jeff.
- Feel better.

He's not sick, Dennis! God!

AURORA: Pump it!

You, sir, are one
sexy stud muffin.

(EXCLAIMS) Wow.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Thank you, book.

Thank you.

(DEVICE WHIRRING)

Hey! All right.

The Librarians. How
was your adventure?

Good. Went really
well. No thanks to you!

You set the door
to a port-o-potty

two feet from the Tar
Pits. We fell right in.

This stuff is really like sand.

It gets everywhere,
and I mean everywhere!

What's going on with you, Jenkins?
You never make mistakes like that.

Must've just had
a senior moment.

But, hey, at least the
mission went well, right?

Uh...

Is that the artifact?

The Osiris Stone...

It's able to bring
the dead back to life.

That is so rad. Can I touch it?

Sure.

Awesome. Wow.

You feeling all right, Jenkins?

What? Uh, yeah.

Yeah, no, never better.

Yeah, just feeling like
myself, you know, Jenkins.

Jenkins being Jenkins. (LAUGHS)

- (ALARM BLARES)
- (GASPS) What the hell?

Perimeter alarm.

Someone's trying
to get into the Library.

Who is that?

- (DEVICE BEEPING)
- Fingerprint not recognized.

- Damn it.
- Voice pattern not recognized.

Just... Shut up.

Colonel? Colonel,
it's me. It's Jenkins!

What's he doing?

I mean, he's clearly insane.

You gotta feel sorry
for him, don't ya?

Looks like a sad sack.

I don't know. I feel like there's kind
of a rugged handsomeness to him.

How...

- Sorry. Need this.
- Hey!

Jenkins.

Look. He's writing something.

- Hey! Whoa!
- What are you doing?

Jeez! Butterfingers, right?

Well, we're done
with this guy anyway.

Look, you've seen one homeless
guy on bath salts, you've seen them all.

(LAUGHS) Now, tell
me all about that mission.

Can you see it?

I'm Jenkins!

I am...

Jenkins.

They don't know it's me.

Jeff, where have you been?

I just walked from
St. John's Bridge.

Well, Lord, that's
over five miles away.

Actually, 11.

Well, now that you're back,

the toilet's been
acting fussy again,

and I had to miss both
Wheel and Steve Harvey.

And guess what? We ran
out of Werther's Originals.

Wait a minute.
Where are you going?

I'm going to search his room,

try to figure out why...
How this happened.

- Whose room?
- Just...

Wait, what about my
Werther's Originals, Jeff?

Good grief, woman, don't you
have some wretched husband

you can order about?

How could you say
something like that?

Do you think it's been easy
for me living without your father?

His cancer just
about destroyed me.

I'm sorry.

I miss him so much.

Right.

Excuse me.

SCHMIDT: Read it. People
just inform themselves.

AURORA: You're a dork.
SCHMIDT: Actually, you're a dork.

- Hey, Jeff!
- Hey, Jeff.

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff!

You ready to play?
We said after work.

I got Ring Pops.

Leave me alone, please.

- What about the game?
- Yeah.

So last we left off,

we were about to enter the
catacombs of the demon king

to find the golden treasure.

Jeff, D&D, we're waiting.

Excuse me, please. For
the last time, leave me be.

I do not want to play
your stupid game.

(MUTTERING)

Well, Jenkins is out.

Guess it's just you
and me, Jacob Stone.

Quite right, Cassandra Cillian.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, you
know about the Librarians?

God, what is wrong with you?
He is seriously mental today.

AURORA: They're
our D&D characters.

We got Cassandra the Sorceress,

Stone the Ranger.

Baird the Warrior Princess.

Flynn the Wise Sage.

And Mr. Jones?

SCHMIDT: Ezekiel
the Cunning Thief.

Sadly, he got eaten
by a tenth-level orc

a few weeks ago.

How do you know about them?

Dude, because of you.

You're, like,
obsessed with them.

Did you forget your shrine?

What?

SCHMIDT: You know,
I'm still on the fence

about whether
they're real or not.

AURORA: Librarians?
Of course, they are.

What about all those DOSA
files that Wikileaks dumped?

DENNIS: Or those articles by
what's-her-name, the reporter.

SCHMIDT: Sarina
Bhonsle. DENNIS: Yes.

- She retracted them.
- What?

DENNIS: She took them all back.

AURORA: Or she was forced to.

Conspiracy.

- SCHMIDT: You had me at conspiracy.
- Oh, my God.

I'm...

Really obsessed
with Jenkins, huh?

Big time.

You said Jenkins is like an
immortal knight of Camelot.

- Perceval, I think.
- No, Lancelot.

- Galahad.
- SCHMIDT: Galahad!

Who would want to be
Galahad? Arthur is way cooler.

So he switched bodies
with me on purpose.

JEFF: The enemy
is at the castle gates.

To battle!

Your skills are
impressive, Black Knight.

Can you handle this?

I meant to do that. Yeah,
you know, I meant to do that.

(DOGS BARKING, GROWLING)

Hey, Cassandra.

Sassy Cassie.

How you doing?

I'm good.

I guess I just...
Jenkins, I need to...

Whoa, hey.

Hold that thought.

Water...

Into wine.

- Ha! How sick is that, right?
- Yeah.

You want a pull?

- No, I'm good.
- Cool. More for me.

So what's up?

I mean, to what do I owe this
splendiferous pleasure, Miss Cillian?

Um...

I found this book in the Annex,

and I've never seen it before,

and I can't find a file on it.

Oh, yeah, no, that's...

That's 'cause it's
a new acquisition.

Yeah, from the...
(CLEARS THROAT)

department.

I was just about
to file it away,

so don't you worry your
pretty little red head about it.

Okay. Great.

Hey, um...

I was just thinking,

if you're not busy later,

you and me could go out

and double straw a margarita,

maybe talk about magic,

maybe... Make some magic.

- Excuse me?
- What? No, nothing.

- No.
- No, no, I just...

- Yeah.
- Just kidding.

Right.

- Yeah...
- I am going to put this puppy back

and, yeah, good talk.

Great. Okay.

Yeah, Stoner, my man.

Do you think...
Do... Do you think

there's something
off about Jenkins?

- 'Cause...
- Maybe.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

He did ask me earlier if
Baird was seeing anyone.

- Oh.
- I just figured it was a...

Like a byproduct of
him dealing with mortality

or a delayed,
delayed mid-life crisis.

Right.

Hiding place, hiding place.

Oh...

Ugh.

Gross.

Rats, skitter, skitter.
Bats, flying, flying, flying.

You make your way
down the castle catacombs,

slime oozing down the walls.

Suddenly you come
across a wooden door.

What do you do?

- We open the door.
- This is ridiculous.

It creaks open...

(MIMICS CREAKING)

revealing a glistening
mound of treasure.

But it is being guarded

by a great ten-foot
tall cave troll.

Have I been acting odd lately?

- Have I come into contact with anything?
- The cave troll

opens its great mouth,

blood dripping from its fangs.

What do you do?

- Attack!
- Attack!

- Roll for initiative.
- Yeah.

Roll for initiative.

(SIGHS)

Cassandra the
Sorceress goes first.

- I cast fireball at the troll.
- Mmm.

Oh, completely ineffective.
Does not work at all.

- What?
- What? She just rolled a 19.

The cave troll is wearing
a fire resistance ring,

so it's immune to fireballs.

Dude, always the fire rings.
It's the third campaign...

Who makes up
this... Listen to me.

First of all, do you realize
how full this game is

of just inaccuracies
and misinformation?

Um... My fifth edition
Monster Manual begs to differ.

Yes, that is not...

First, no self-respecting
castle will hide its treasure

behind an unlocked wooden door.

That's just amateur hour.

And anybody that's anybody

knows that cave
trolls don't have fangs.

They have tusks.
And a fireball spell?

Do you realize how long it
takes to conjure one of those?

Days. A paralysis spell works in
half the time and is just as effective.

People, if we're gonna
do it, let's do it right.

I think he needs to be
the Dungeon Master.

No! Not this again. I'm
the Dungeon Master!

Dude, that was incredible.
He had the paralysis...

Listen. Wait, wait.

Is this what you
do with your days,

just sit in this cellar
and play this game?

What is wrong with you?

Dude, you've been
acting like a total psycho.

- Yeah, ever since you found that book.
- I...

Book? What book?

Seriously, do you not
remember a single thing?

Did you get hit in the head?

Yeah, really hard. What book?

The one you got online
from the rare bookshop

that was being liquidated.

You wouldn't stop
talking about it.

You kept on saying how it would
make a kick-ass monster manual.

It looked a little bit strange to be
a monster manual, if you ask me.

Wait, wait, what
did it look like?

- I can probably look it up.
- JENKINS: What?

One second.

Ah.

That's no monster manual.

That's the Asmodeus Grimoire.

It's the most dangerous
book in the world.

AURORA: Asmodeus Grimoire?

Jeff, what are
you talking about?

He bought the book. He
didn't know what it was.

Then he found out what it was,

and he used it to
exchange places with me,

not understanding
the consequences.

Jeff, you're scaring me.

I've gotta break
into the Library,

find the book if he still has...

How do I break into the Library?

Secret entrances.

I can't do that without help.

I've got to...

Get up. Let's go.

- What?
- Let's go.

Up. Out. Mush.

- Where are we going?
- Just go.

- What about the game?
- Don't worry about it.

I promised my wife I was gonna
stop at the Bed, Bath, & Beyond.

Yes, yes. I don't know what
that is, but it's gonna have to wait.

Come on. Go. Go. Get in the car.

Jeff, please.

I'm not going another step further
until you tell us what's going on.

Yeah! And what about the game?

Okay, this is going to
sound ludicrous to you, but...

I'm not your friend Jeff.

I am in reality Jenkins,

also known as Galahad,
Knight of Camelot,

and caretaker to
the magical Library,

which happens to be real.

The book that your friend
bought was not a toy, nor a fake.

It was an authentic spellbook

which he used to
exchange bodies with me,

apparently because he
was obsessed with me,

but when he did so,
he also unknowingly

released very
powerful evil forces

that could wreak havoc,

and we must stop
it before it's too late.

- Okay.
- Makes sense.

- Totally.
- That's it?

No... "That's the craziest
thing we've ever heard, dude?"

Yeah. No, we figured
something like this was going on.

Yeah, it's just like
that D&D module,

"The Sinister Body
Snatchers of Boldovia."

When do we start?

Now. Let's start now.

Front entrance to the
Library is impenetrable,

protected by an
elaborate security system.

There is, however, a back door,

but to gain access to it,

one must first pass through a
series of booby-trapped chambers,

each more deadly than the last.

If you know so much about
it, why can't you just waltz in?

Yeah, why do you need us?

Because the chambers
were designed

to prevent a single
individual from gaining access.

It takes teamwork.

(CLEARS THROAT)

But you know about
the booby traps, right?

You can get us
past the booby traps.

No, the chambers are
constantly self-reconfiguring,

the puzzles inside,
chosen by the Library itself.

I have no idea what we'll face.

All of you must help
me get to the back door.

In order to do this,
you must be trained

in the way of the Librarians.

You must become
greater than yourselves.

You're going to turn
us into Librarians?

No, that would take a miracle.

Let's begin.

(PANTING)

A Librarian must make
friends with danger,

must learn to fight
with his, or her,

body and mind.

A Librarian is
more than a person.

A Librarian is a shining beacon,

reminding us of the best
humanity has to offer.

Everything hurts.

Why did you make us do that?

That was grueling.

What are you doing over there?

Yeah, come on. Join us.

Have some of my famous
home-brewed mead. (SNICKERING)

It's cheap wine mixed
with Shasta cola.

- Ignore her.
- It's so good.

You'll love it. (CHUCKLES)

It's been a very long time
since I partook in spirits.

Mmm-hmm.

Good stuff, huh?

No, not at all.

(ALL LAUGHING)

So are you honestly gonna sit
there and not tell us about Camelot?

We're D&D nerds. Spill.

Come on, what was Arthur like?

Bossy.

A bit vain, but a good king.

Was Merlin as cool
as we think he is?

- Cooler than you can imagine.
- Aw.

To be a Knight of
the Round Table.

I bet it was a lot
like this, right?

Just sitting around,
drinking mead,

telling tales of glory.

Well, I don't know
so much about that.

I stayed to myself a lot.

But you're Galahad,

the finder of the Holy Grail,

nicknamed the "Perfect Knight."

But also the illegitimate
son of Lancelot,

not of true noble birth.

I always felt different
than the others,

even after joining the Library.

I'm neither Librarian
nor Guardian.

It's...

Sort of on the
outside looking in.

I know what
you're talking about.

I grew up an army brat,

so we moved eight
times in 12 years.

I never lived a single place
long enough to call home.

You had it lucky. I
would've killed to move.

Beats sticking around, being
picked on by all the beautiful people.

DENNIS: Try dealing with
a family of overachievers.

Do you know what it was
like during Thanksgiving?

I was invisible.

To the outcasts.

Long may they reign.

Huzzah.

I will never drink
wine and Shasta again,

that's for sure.

Do you guys think
this is too much?

- Maybe I should go home and change...
- No, stop it.

You've already changed twice.

No, no, no, honey.
We shouldn't be late.

I'm just gonna break into
the Magical Castle and...

Hang up!

We need to focus.

Come. We have to enter here to gain
access to the underground chambers.

Where? The tree?

Run directly into it.

It will transport you there.

It's an invisible door,

just like the train
station in Harry Potter.

Love it. (SCREAMS)

Now that...

Aurora, are you okay?

Please tell me one of you
guys got a picture of that.

That was awesome!

The entrance is here.

Get behind me.

Follow me in.

Now that was awesome.

- Yeah!
- Oh, my God!

The door down there will
take us to the second chamber.

Tell me that did not just
come up out of the floor.

Interlocking pieces, like
part of a jigsaw puzzle.

So if we solve it, then
we can cross. Awesome.

Oh, well, I know
puzzles 'cause I do them

- with my kids all the time.
- Wait! Don't...

What was that? What
was that? What was that?

Good Lord, are you mad?

You set off one
of the booby traps.

- Sorry.
- Each wrong move

makes the chamber
collapse a little more.

What are we gonna do now?

(VOCALIZING)

- (SCREAMING)
- (GASPING)

- (LAUGHS) This is awesome.
- Hello, Jenkins.

Well, if it isn't my favorite math
whiz/synesthete/tumor survivor.

What's happenin', Red?

I just found this scroll I need
translated for an upcoming mission.

I couldn't find Stone, so I
thought maybe you could help me.

You... You want me
to tran... Translate?

Yeah. It's just a
mix of Sumerian

and seventh-century
archaic Latin.

Should be a breeze for
you. After all, you are Jenkins.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh.

What... Did you...
Did you hear that?

Did you hear someone
calling for me?

I think I heard...
Yeah, I'll be right there!

Translate the scroll, Jenkins.

Oh, sure. Yeah, not a
problem. Not a problem.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Ugh. Boy, they...

Sure make the font small
on these things, huh?

Okay.

Inter-way is-yay oming-cay.

- Pig Latin.
- I knew it.

- I knew you were a fake.
- What did you do with Jenkins?

Oh, please don't hurt me.

Tell us or we
feed you to Nessie.

No, please. Wait, the
Loch Ness monster's here?

- Start talking.
- Okay, all right.

(STUTTERING)

Okay, my name is Jeff Peppers.

I'm a 28-year-old
tech from Circuit Town.

I found a book with magic in it,

and I used it to swap
places with Jenkins.

That's the book I
was telling you about.

I didn't mean to hurt anybody.

I just wanted to rent
him for a little while.

You know, honestly,
I'm a really good guy.

If you guys ever find
yourself out by Circuit Town,

pop on in, I'll give
you a discount.

Well, on anything other
than Apple products

'cause, you know, they don't
really give me that kind of pull...

Where's this book?

It's just over here.

I hid it underneath
one of your end tables,

which are beautiful, by the way.

Just show us the book.

Yeah, no, there it is.
See? No harm, no foul.

What is that? Are
those hoof prints?

(GROWLING)

AURORA: We've been
staring at this forever.

There has to be a
way to figure this out.

- DENNIS: Well...
- I know this.

Schmidt, what are you doing?

Yeah, man, don't play around.

Twenty pieces, each a triangle.

Twenty pieces. Twenty triangles.

Mr. Schmidt, we cannot
afford any mistakes.

Trust me, guys. I got this.

It's an icosahedron.
How did you know that?

It's the one shape every
D&D player in the world knows.

Twenty-sided die. Roll
for initiative, bitches.

- That was awesome!
- Dragon's fire, bro!

Dungeon Master, bro!

(LAUGHING)

Mr. Schmidt.

Now, we have to turn these dials

exactly at the same time.

One, two, three.

This one looks fun.

(GASPING)

Oh, God! What is that?

Stop, stop, stop. Just stop.

Past intruders in the Library.

Many have tried.
None have succeeded.

Let's get out of
this chamber quick.

Would you please stop
setting off booby traps?

What is wrong with you? Have
you not seen Indy 3, Last Crusade?

Oh, is that the one
with Shia LaBeouf?

SCHMIDT: No, Dennis!

- Gimme that boom.
- Excuse me?

The tiles. It's just like
Dance Dance Revolution.

- What?
- It's this stupid dancing game

where you step on glowing tiles

that match a pattern.

These tiles are glowing
in a repeating pattern,

just like the song,
Gimme That Boom.

Watch.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Gimme that boom boom boom

Gimme that boom boom boom

Holy roly-poly, it's working.

Come on.

Gimme that boom boom boom

Gimme that boom boom boom

Bang it with the bottom
gonna make ya move

Come on, Sir Jenkins, dance.

- No.
- But you'll die!

Much preferred. Thank you.

Jenkins, you'll never
get your body back.

Gimme that gimme that gimme that

That that boom boom boom

We get dressed up
put on the makeup

Go, Jenkins! It's your birthday!

- Go, Jenkins!
- DENNIS: Come on, Jenkins!

I can't stop this...

Way to go, Sir Jenkins.

Well done. Well done.

But any of you ever
mention this, I will end you.

- Okay.
- Understood.

Aurora. Now, just like before.

(ALL GASP)

- Whoa.
- Where are we?

If this is the final chamber,
then where's the door?

Maybe we did something wrong.

SCHMIDT: Maybe we're in a dream,

like inside the dream of
some giant sentient creature,

and when he wakes
up, we'll wake up.

AURORA: Or we're in limbo,

and we got in a
huge car accident

on the way here,
and we all just died.

- SCHMIDT: Or...
- Please, please, be quiet.

I'm trying to concentrate.

Don't worry, Sir Jenkins.
We will find a way out of here.

Oh, God, I don't think so.

I don't think we can dance
our way out of this one.

Hey, she's just
trying to be positive.

I was an idiot thinking I
could train you as Librarians.

It's impossible!

And now here we
are. We're stuck.

Stuck in this room.

I am stuck in this body.

It's no use.

Oh, God.

It's...

(SIGHS LOUDLY)

Hopeless. It's hopeless.

Mr. Jenkins.

There's this bedtime
story I often tell my kids.

Oh, God.

It's about a bunny

that gets lost on his way
home from the dark wood,

and he gets so
scared, so frightened,

that he wants to just curl
up in a little ball and give up.

But then he remembers what
his mother always tells him.

No matter how dark things look,

just keep hopping and
you'll find your way home.

Just keep hopping.

Just keep hopping.

Just keep... Hopping.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Just keep... Hopping!

Hopping!

And hopping!

Find your way home!

We made it.

That last chamber was
a test of perseverance.

Thank you, Dennis.

And thank you all for
bringing me this far.

But here is where we must part.

You mean, we can't go in?

No. The Library must
stay a magical secret place.

It cannot be shared
with the public,

despite what your
friend Jeff thinks.

Go to his house,

and if all turns out well,

you'll soon have your
friend back to normal.

May I borrow your sword?

Would you three
take a knee, please?

In the name of the ancient gods,

and to all the ancient kings,

I dub thee three honorary
knights of Camelot.

Rise, knights.

I have fought beside
the greatest of warriors,

but none braver than you.

Now, go.

I have an evil book I must find.

(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)

Mr. Stone. Mr. Stone.

Ezekiel. Cassan...

Colonel?

Colonel. Colonel.

(OBJECT CLATTERING)

Show yourself!

Oh, thank God.

I thought that thing was back.

You thief!

Oh, crap. Wait, wait, wait.

You stole my body!

Yes, yes, I did, but it
was just for a little while.

I promise I was
going to give it back.

- Liar!
- No, I'm telling the truth.

I told the Librarians
about the book,

and I was taking them to find it

when this monster, it came
out and it attacked us, and I hid.

You think that was bad?
Wait till I get hold of you!

- Please, please, please.
- How dare you!

Stop! Just stop.
Please, please stop.

I screwed up. I used the book,

and I got in way over my head.

I didn't mean for
any of this to happen.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

That thing. What was that?

That is Asmodeus, one of
the Seven Princes of Hell.

Centuries ago, Merlin
entrapped him in that spellbook.

But by you using
it, you unknowingly

released him
back into the world.

- Your friends, are they...
- They're...

They'll be fine.

It's just a form of hibernation.

Asmodeus' power is limited
for now, but I must find him.

I must entrap him
again, and to do that,

I must be in my own body.

- So give me that book back.
- You wanna switch back now?

If I'm to fight a
Prince of Hell,

I can't do it in this...

Short, slightly overweight body.

I need to be in my own skin.

But I like being you.

- Jeff!
- You saw my life.

You saw how much it sucks.

I mean, I live in my mother's
basement, for Christ's sake.

My life is not yours to take.

I know. I know.

It...

It's just...

You had to be me
for a couple of days.

I have to be me forever.

Not long ago, I made a decision

to become mortal.

My choice. I...
I did it willingly,

but I will confess that
I was not prepared

for what it would be
like to actually be human.

And I've been
struggling, truly struggling,

with the idea of growing
older, the limitations,

and having to go into the world

dealing with people?

There are a lot of awful
people in the world.

Do you know that? But I
think I'm coming to realize

that I've been concentrating
on the negative a little too much,

because on the other
side there are wonderful,

amazing things in
this life, in your life.

You have phenomenally
faithful friends,

you have a loving
mother, and you have food.

Yeah, food is good.

- Food is delicious.
- Yeah.

And so there are
beautiful things in life,

in your life, and we
have to embrace it all.

Because, really, what's
the point of having a life

if one does not live it fully?

If I have followed
this recipe precisely,

this should do the trick.

- (SNIFFS) It smells rank.
- It... (SNIFFS) Well,

it can't be any worse than your
friend Schmidt's homemade mead.

Down the hatch.

I could use a chaser.

Ooh.

Hey, what's going on?
Why do I still look like you?

Perhaps the potion
has a delayed reaction.

Okay. So what? Do we
just sit here and wait it out?

No, no, no. We
have no time for that.

For every minute
Asmodeus is out there,

he gains in strength.

Fortunately, we have
something he needs.

When Merlin first
captured Asmodeus,

he took some of his
power as a precaution

and contained it
within a gem stone

which Merlin then
hid inside the book.

Sort of a hide-in-plain
sight thing.

So as long as I
have the gem stone,

Asmodeus will not
be fully powerful

and I can defeat him.

There's no... Where's the
gem... There's no gemstone.

This gemstone, was it...

Kinda small, sort
of a reddish color?

- Oh, Jeff, no.
- Look, I didn't know.

It was just sitting
there inside the book.

What did you do with it?

(STUTTERS) You know, I...

- I...
- Sorry, you did what?

- I sort of gave it to my mom.
- You gave it to your mom.

Look, it was her birthday,
and it sort of looked

like a cubic zirconia,
so I figured, why not?

So I just gave it
to her and then...

I just don't wanna piss her
off. I mean, you know my mom.

She can be a bit of a
ballbuster, (CHUCKLES) so...

Listen to me, Jeff. Asmodeus
will be looking for that gemstone,

so if it is with your mother...

That's where
Asmodeus is heading.

And she and your friends
are in grave danger.

What do we do?

We take the battle to him.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(POWERING UP)

Now, when we get inside, stay
close be prepared for anything.

- I'm scared.
- You should be.

Mom? Schmidt?

- Asmodeus?
- (WHISPERS) What are you...

- You don't call for the Prince of Hell.
- (WHISPERS) Right.

(SCREAMING)

Foul beast! Get the gemstone.

She'll be safe
without the gemstone.

Hurry! Hurry!

- Mom, are you okay?
- What's going on?

What's wrong with
that man's face?

Mom, I need the gemstone.

No, tell him to get his own.

Mom, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Got it!

Time to go!

Bye, Mom!

Come. Come. Come.

We'll lure him
back to the Library,

trap him there.

(PANTING)

Damn it.

To the basement.

Go. Go. Go!

Oh, my God, my friends.

Oh, my God,
this is all my fault.

I did this.

God, I'm such a schmuck.

We don't have time
for this. He will find us.

What if we just give him back
the gemstone, apologize, be like,

"Asmodeus, we're really sorry
that we took your gemstone"?

You wanted to be a Knight of
Camelot. Now is your chance.

Fight.

- I'm scared.
- Well...

- Oh, God! No, no, no!
- (ROARING)

(GRUNTING)

(METAL CLANKING)

Jeff! Get out here and fight!

(GROWLING)

Hey, zombie face!

You want this?

You shall not pass!

Okay. No, I'm just
kidding. You can have it.

You can have
it. I don't want it.

Take it, please. Just take it.

Take it. I don't want it.

(LAUGHING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Well done.

You fought well.

Yeah. Well, it's easy when
you're Galahad the brave knight.

Take a look in the mirror.

I did this?

As myself?

Like a true knight.

We switched back when we
came through the magic door.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Oh...

Jeff, is that really you?

- Dude!
- Hey, what's up, guys?

Dude!

Oh, my God, I have
so many stories.

AURORA: It was
amazing. We got knighted.

SCHMIDT: I wasn't even scared.

I found Poseidon's Trident.

Jeff was roasting
marshmallows with it.

Still better than what he was
doing with the Shroud of Turin.

Good Lord, how much
damage can one man cause?

We're just happy
to have you back.

What about you, mate? You
still haven't told us what it was like.

Yeah, it must've
been awful, huh,

hanging out with
the common folk?

Actually, you know, people aren't
bad if you give 'em half a chance.

They can be quite delightful.

I have an appointment
I have to get to.

I think I'll drive.

Did he just say people
could be delightful?

Wonders never cease.

So that mind flayer?
He, like, melted his brain.

- Yeah, my favorite.
- That was so good.

I just replay that
over and over.

- Hey, Jenkins!
- Jenkins!

JEFF: What's up,
dude? You're just in time.

We're just about to fight the
acid-spewing black dragon.

First of all, black dragons
breathe fire. They do not spew acid.

- He's so good.
- And I brought your mom

a nice big bag of
Werther's Originals.

- Aw, thanks.
- And you know what?

If I'm gonna continue
playing with you guys,

I need to be Dungeon Master.

- Agreed.
- What? No.

- Dude, come on.
- I'm moving. I'm moving.

Dude, dude, I can't have
you playing this game

with all of these inaccuracies.

Fine, but my character gets to
have the ring of fire resistance.

- Yes! Happening.
- Another ring?

- Ring of fire every time.
- No. It's not a real thing.

Shh. Danger.

The moat? It is dark.

But you must cross
it. What do you do?

(MUSIC PLAYING)