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The Letdown (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - One - full transcript

Audrey goes a little crazy preparing for Stevie's first birthday, and even visits the hairdresser. Sophie has an announcement.

Well, it's been 12 weeks.
Novelty worn off?

Now, the choices that you make now
really matter.

I kept arguing
for a natural birth

because I'd read all this stuff and...

and, uh, we nearly lost her, so...

You're not number one anymore.

- You buying?
- Drugs? No.

I've just got her to sleep.
She's a really light sleeper...

- Not my problem.
- Uh, what's your cheapest drug?

There's no point whingeing

about what you've lost...

I don't really feel like me.

I don't know, you want me to be some

kind of on-call second mother thing.

Yeah, 'grandmother' is the word
you're looking for.

This is my home.

Just like the one you live in.
Don't you forget that.

Let's look instead
at what you've gained.

Our new mum brains are just getting
rid of shit that they don't need

so before they start expanding

with all the new learning
and multi-tasking.

This is motherhood.

I'm, like, seriously bad at this.

You're all in this together.

- Audrey, is it?
- Mm.

You're late.

Oh, my God.



All the stars above bars
We're human, yeah, you and I...

Mother! Sucker!

Mother! Sucker!

- I've been offered a new job.
- Why didn't you... tell me that?

Because it's in California.

I'll be in California, you'll be
based at the head office, Australia.


No baby. No baby.
No baby. No baby...

You will be happy to know

we are only taking one child
to California.

Adelaide. The job's actually in...

We go to Adela...

Good news about the minus sign, right?

No, it's... It's a cross for no baby.

- No, that's not a cross...
- Yes, it is.

- That's a plus sign.
- That's a cro... No.

Oh, God!

We'll have two under two in Adelaide!

God, she couldn't have
just put something in the post?

Yeah, we never send them stuff.

Uh, no, you don't. I do.

I probably spent more on their first
birthdays than I have on Stevie's.


What do you want to watch?

Um, Crown?

You do realise
they've changed Princess Margarets?


Who is it now?

Helena Bonham-Carter.

Still got good production... Do you
want to just watch the end of Glow?

Thought so. OK.

- Yep. Alright, ready?
- Mm-hm.

One, two, three, play.

Wait, wait, wait, it's still connecting.

Wifi is shit in Adelaide.

Just tether.

Tethering. Hold on.

Anything can happen
when you're just like me

I'm running carelessly through a maze

How unexpected

I'm under lock and key in a world

OK, and this goes on...

Anything can happen

Oh, that goes on there, then. Does it?

I'm running carelessly through a maze

What? Oh...

Well, how does that...?

I'm under lock and key...

How do I plug...? Eh...?

My name's Matt
and I'm gonna show you

how to brew a perfect coffee using...

Hello, Stevie, darling.

- Ooh, good night?
- First, take the...

- No...
- ...give it a clean...

- Oh, thanks, Mum.
- ...attach the funnel to the end...

You need an engineering degree
to work this thing out,

which Jeremy has,
but he's not here, is he?

Audrey, when are you joining him?

Because I want to finish
the painting before I move back in

and, uh, did you see the job
they did in my office?

Yeah, looks amazing. But can we just
let him get through probation?

Which he may not.
He's not instantly likeable.

Have a sip.

He is likeable, isn't he?

- Very.
- Yeah.

Oh, do these look handmade?

- As if I could have made them?
- I guess so. Why? What on earth...

Well, they'll hang off a stick
or a branch or something.

And these are plastic, but do
you reckon they pass for bamboo?


Maybe I shouldn't use plastic at all.
Everyone's so anti.

I mean, I am too.

Sophie had real cutlery at hers.
At the park.

Audrey, darling, what's happened to you?

When you turned one,

all we did was wrap up a
present you already owned.

I mean, they don't know
what's going on at this age.

But they see the photos
when they're older.

Or note the absence of them.

Sophie had a unicorn at hers.

I mean, it was a pony with a horn,
but it was very believable.

Sounds like Sophie
wasn't loved enough as a child.

You still OK to look after Stevie
this afternoon?

- What?
- I'm getting my hair done, remember?

Sophie had a full makeover for hers.

Yeah, g-good idea, yes, good.

Lovely surprise for Jeremy.


What are we going to do with this?

Just a trim, thanks. And a blow dry.

Out tonight? Big weekend?

Uh, I've got a party tomorrow.

So actually a bit of volume would be
good, it gets quite flat on top.

Mm. You got it, babe.

OK, so with the trim, the styling
and the conditioning treatment,

that comes to...


Does it? OK, great, yeah. No problem.

Thank you.

- Do you love it? It looks amazing.
- Yeah. Yeah, it's brilliant.

Thank you so much.


You look 10 years older.

Thank you.

I think I preferred it before.

Well, obviously.

Why didn't you say something?

I did!

When she asked if I liked it,
I did a high-pitched yes.

Everyone knows that's code for no.

No, don't touch it! There's no movement!

Yeah, right. Very firm.

Stay away from the candles tomorrow.
That could go up.

Evening, folks. It's your captain here.

Flying time to Sydney this evening
will be just under two hours.


Oh, wow.

Um, would you like that back?

There you go, mate.

- Sorry, is she OK?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a beauty.

Yeah, I'm flying back for
my little one's first birthday.

Hi! Hello.

- Yes.
- Oh, sweet.

- How long you been away?
- Couple of weeks.

Yeah, down in Adelaide for work,
so back and forth.

- Ah!
- Yep, that's great. Hello.


- Sorry, what's your name?
- Sorry? Um, Jeremy.

Oh, Jeremy, this is Luna.

- Is that right? Hello, Luna.
- Say hello.

That's a cool name.

Yeah. This way, hello. "Hello".

Oh, he's sleeping.


Wow, that's nice.

A little bit of yoghurt in the -
that's yours - in the face.

Yes. Is he hungry?

Say thank you. Thank you, friend.
Thank you.

Wake up!

Oh, don't do that, Luna! Alright?

OK, can you not talk to my child
like that?

Oh, finally.

You'll have to get ice
in the morning now

before you borrow Matt's mower
and do the yard.

Hello to you too.

How you doing? You OK? Not too tired?

Huh? Oh, sorry. I'm fine.

Hi. Yeah, I'm just flat out.

I missed you guys this week.

Nup, nothing.

Sorry. We missed you. We miss you.
We love you. Blah, blah.

How was the flight? You eaten?

Yeah. I ate in the lounge.

- Oh, lucky you. I had cake batter.
- Yum!

Looks incredible, Aud.
How many are coming?

I don't know. No-one RSVPs
these days. It's an outrage.

Right, well, I'm gonna go
and kiss our one-year-old. Shit!

- Don't wake her.
- I won't. I'll just look at her

- and then I'm all yours.
- OK.

Chocolate crackles.

Blast from the past.

Can one-year-olds
eat chocolate crackles?

Well, they're for
the big kids and the adults.

It's fun.

- What's wrong? They're sugar free.
- Yes.

- I used rice syrup instead.
- Is rice a sweetener?

- Shit. Are they alright?
- Yeah, no, they're yummy.

Did you use rice in all of the things?

OK, no, good. Well, that's healthy.

And you get a-a real kick
with the cocoa.

It's, um... It's like an after taste.

Might just...

I like your hair.


Fuck. Sorry, baby. Sorry.


How's this? This OK?

More, you need heaps more.

But you've got to mix it through

Just leave it. I'll do it.

Shall we...

just finish this in the morning?
It's one o'clock.

I can't! I've got to create this!

Why don't we just ice it
and cover it in Smarties?

Smarties? No. Barb did that.
That's not creative.

- Oh. I'll go.
- Oh, jeez.

- Bottle?
- No, just put her in with you.

We co-sleeping again?

- After all the...
- No.

But it's morning.

You wanna spend the next few hours
cot training?

Fuck, no!

- Unless you want me to?
- Just go.

It's gonna be incredible, Aud.

Thank you.

And here is one more.

What's this?

It's a picture book of Adelaide
for when you guys finally join me.

Oh, wow!

Look at that!

You and Mummy are gonna love it there.

So many churches!
No wonder Daddy likes it.

It's not just churches,

there's the Adelaide Oval,
Rundle Mall, Central Market,

State Library, Mount Lofty.

Oh, thanks, Daddy!

Now go and get the ice. We've got to
move. We've got so much to do.

The events guys are gonna be here soon.

- Huh?
- I had to hire matching chairs!


OK, so, um, Sophie and Ziggy have Ziggy.


Barb and Neale have Kate,
and the twins...

Can't remember their names.
Ah, Martha has Teddy.

And she's a lesbian.

Funny how you remember that.

- Ester and Ruben have Eva...
- Oh, hang on, are they coming?

I couldn't very well not invite them,
could I?

Oh, really?

I couldn't.

Now, go upstairs and finish the
toilet and light the scented candle.

- And what is she wearing?
- Uh, Mum bought it.

She can't wear that.
She looks like a Kardashian.

Put her in her new overalls
and take off the fleece.

- Yeah, good.
- Oh, and Jeremy.

- Yep?
- Make sure I'm in the shower

at least 10 minutes before people
are due. I need to wash this out.

Copy that.

Stop it! Get away from...!

- Hello!
- Oh, hi.

10am. Wow!

Why would you make it at 10:00?
No-one does anything before 10:00.

Oh, sorry.

Did you, um, get your hair done?

Oh, yes, a blow wave, tres chic.

- Oh, there you are.
- Oh, Barb, I said no presents.

It's alright.
Just don't put batteries in it.

Thanks for inviting us.

The more kids you have,
the less invites you get.

It's a little linen dress.
Sorry, couldn't help myself.

Oh, wow.

Is there somewhere we could just
set this up?

Sorry, 10am is Ziggy Jr's nap time.
Right? It's everyone's nap time.

- Is that alright?
- Don't worry about it. Rookie error.

Jeremy will take you in.

- OK, great.
- Love the hair.

- Thank you.
- Barb, can you take...?

Yeah, sure. Hello, baby! Rrrrr.

- I'm just gonna get dressed.
- So much height, isn't there?

- Did you get everyone a drink?
- No.

No, can I make anyone a coffee?

Oh, no, not for me, thanks.
Maybe a sparkling?

Oh, yeah, me too.
Where are the adult drinks?

Oh, no, water. I meant... water.

- Oh, I didn't.
- They're there. I'll...

- Great spread.
- Oh, thanks.

I'm a bit of a foodie.
You guys watch MasterChef?

- Mm-hm.
- No, don't.

You want some brie?

- Oh, that's d'Affinois.
- You want d'Affinois?

There are some chocolate crackles
here, kids.

Grab one of them.

Happy birthday.

What's wrong?

- Yuck.
- What's wrong with it?

Oh, everything's sugar free,
except the lollies on the cake.

So they're good for them.

Oh, yeah, no, our kids don't eat
anything without sugar.

Ziggy Jr is asleep.

Oh, great. Oh, no thank you.

And he's watching his cholesterol.

Yeah, I only eat cheese in France.

Oh, it is French. It's d'Affinois.

No, French cheese is non-pasteurised,

that's what gives it that kind of...
that kick.

- My ex-wife was French...
- He's crying. Ziggy's crying.


Well, these decorations are gorgeous!

- Oh.
- Did you do them yourself?

- Mm-hm.
- I can tell. Thank you.

- Jeremy, do you have the camera?
- Ah, yes, just one sec.

- And can you pour the drinks?
- Yes, my darling.

- And unstack the chairs.
- On to it, my darling. I'll...

- Where's Stevie?
- I put her down, it's her nap time.

- It's her birthday party!
- Yeah.

Jakey, get your fingers
out of there!

- Go and play.
- Just take that. Thank you.

- Hi.
- Oh, happy birthday, darling.

Got a kiss for Bella Nonna?

Hey, wow! New haircut?


Oh, that's divine.

I know, I'd wear it.

The invitation said no presents.

Happy birthday, Stevie Nicks,
you don't look a day over 11 months.

- So what'd you get her?
- Darling, it said "No presents."

Not from you! And I didn't mean it.

I was just trying to seem
non-materialistic and cool.

Look what Carol got her.
Plus a lovely outfit.

If you're trying to set up some sort
of rivalry between us,

it won't work. Are they here, are they?

No, I told you - they've both
just had their cataracts done.

They're completely blind right now.

Gosh, this has held. Don't touch it.

It'll hold till her 21st at this rate.

Oh, I have to take this.

Courtney's having an emotional affair.

OK, great. Well, we're outside.

Yeah, your grandma got you nothing.

I would be upset too.

Hey. Hi, Ester.


- Ruben.
- Hey, mate.

And... Ova?

- Eva.
- Eva. Knew it was a vowel.

- Yep.
- Oh.


Thanks for the invite. Appreciate it.

Oh, mate, it's water under the bridge.



how's the City of Churches?
Enjoying the commute?

- Pros and cons.
- Quite a few pros.

Uninterrupted sleep,
serviced apartment, business lounge.

- What's not to love?
- Adelaide.

I can say that, I was born there. So...

- I mean, I left when I was four.
- Yeah? Been there recently?

It's actually like
a more intimate Sydney these days.

Is it?


- Hi.
- Dave, hi.

Great. Uh, where's Martha?

- Oh, she not here yet?
- No.

Oh, I was just dropping Teddy off.
Hi, everyone.

Well, you should stay, definitely
stay. I told her to invite you.

- Yeah.
- Happy birthday, Stevie.

Happy birthday.

We've just been to swimming lessons.

God, I've got to enrol her.
I keep forgetting they can't swim.

Do you always go with him?

Yeah, Martha doesn't
like getting her hair wet.

You know, all the chlorine
and she's got so much hair,

it just takes so long to dry.

But, hey, um, your hair's looking good.

Thank you. Yeah, come on in.

Uh-uh-uh, plenty
of Honey Joys and things.

Come on, rack off.

- Hey, George.
- That's for you.

Eggs. Look at the red eggs!


Ruben! She got her a present.

I don't know, it does feel nice

feeling just vaguely sexual again.

All of a sudden I've just started
feeling attracted to everyone.

- Everyone?
- Do you not have a type?

Oh, God, I do. Blondes.

- I think I prefer brunettes.
- Oh.

Yeah, definitely.

I'm not actually a natural blonde.

What? Really?

Yeah. No, look at my eyebrows. See.

But I'm feeling vaguely sexual
again too actually.

For a while, I felt nothing, but now
I'm actually, like, hyper-sexual.

He... Ziggy can't keep up.

Just get a good vibrator.

The Tennis Coach is really good.

It's artificial intelligence,
it responds to your body.

Sorry, I don't know why I laughed.

That sounds amazing.

Ziggy would feel a bit confronted
with a sex toy,

especially a smart one.

Oh, you don't have to deal
with male ego. Lucky duck.

Oh, two women, bliss!

Imagine how tidy their homes are.

- Well, mine's not, exactly.
- Yeah and your children are happier.

I read a study that said
that children of lesbians

are more well-adjusted.

Really? Yeah.


- It's good to know.
- Lucky.


- What are you guys talking about?
- Lesbians.

Uh, yeah.

Actually, no,
it's one of my favourite shows,

that old show, The I Word.

- That's a good show.
- Yeah.

That was a good show.

Did he not settle upstairs?

No, it's too hot.

It's like... There's no air
conditioning, it's boiling up there.

- But I changed his nappy.
- Thank you, honey.

Do you realise what you just did?

Um, just...

Why would you thank him?
Does he thank you?

See that's the patriarchy in
all its glory, like right there.

How are we supposed to fight
for equality

and close the gender pay gap

if we don't even insist on
an equitable division of labour

at home?

Everything starts at home.

Excellent point.

Chocolate crackle, anyone?
They're sugar-free.

I'm alright with my honey joy.

What did you use in
the chocolate crackles?

Ah, rice syrup.

- Oh.
- Fantastic alternative.

- You're alright, aren't you, babe?
- What about this one?

So this is the entertainment
for the party?




Ooh, mama.


Hi! Hi.

- Sorry we're late. We slept till 10.
- Doesn't matter.

- What did you do to your hair?
- You don't like it?

Everyone else loves it.
Unless they're lying.

- Yes, they're lying. You look like...
- Margaret Thatcher.

No, like one of the royals,
like Princess Anne.

- God.
- She's the worst royal.

Yeah, it's the powerful volume.

- It's like a helmet.
- Alright, but...

Ugh, hangover. Why is everyone so loud?

Can you tell those kids to quieten down?

No, you can't do that.
That's frowned upon.

- I had it!
- You can tell those ones.

Give me that egg! Mine!

Yep. And remind me to get condoms
on the way home.

Oh, I cannot go straight to honey joys.

What? Corn Flakes, Rice Bubbles,
it's essentially breakfast.

- Champers?
- Yeah, sure.


Nothing. It's just...
you're like siblings.

Yeah, siblings who fuck.

How was your reunion sex? Huh?

- How was your reunion sex?
- Hey?

Get out of it, you two.
Audrey's watching!

Um, Stevie's walking, isn't she?

- Yeah?
- Yeah. Oh, any day now.

No, she's a bum crawler, love.

She won't be up for months.

Oh, yeah. That would explain the
lack of baby-proofing everywhere.

But that's a relief.

Ziggy Jr took two steps on Tuesday
and then has taken nothing since.

I'm gonna ask Ambrose about it
next week.

Have you guys booked
your one-year check-ins yet?

- Uh, no.
- Do we have to go? It's like parole.

I can't wait. I've filled
an entire notebook with questions.

- Would you like a... Have a...
- Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

OK, you two...

...come here.

Show's over.
Come on. You've seen enough.

Let's go. Get the ball. Find the ball.

- Ooh, savoury, great.
- Yes.

- Thanks.
- Yum. How good's the food? Georgia?

- Are you talking about Adelaide again?
- Yeah.

- I was talking about festival time.
- Come on.

It's called Multitasker.

So it's a little bit like Airtasker,

but it's like me that does everything.

So taxes, financial plans,
IT problems, gutters...

- Yeah, right.
- ...flat pack furnishings,

you know, garbage removal...

I like it. I have some friends
who would be into that.

Yes, get in on that market.
A lot of IT work.

Not all lesbians
are shit with technology.

- Yeah, just the old ones.
- No, I meant single mothers.

What about you, Audrey?
Are you back at work?

Just working from home
while I'm still here.

I'm writing
the weekly council newsletter

that you all read and love.

You know, the one you get
in your letterbox?

With all the useful local information?

E-Waste pick-ups and, um...

library events, parking permit
changes, watering restrictions.

Yeah, all the...

Ruben's started a hire-a-hubby business.

Might be handy
while Jeremy's out of town.

It's not hire a hubby, it's Multitasker.

Oh, Mum has a few flat pack shelves
I don't want to assemble.

I'll put those shelves together.

- Will you?
- Yeah. Take me 10 minutes. Easy.

- There you are.
- OK.

Can I have a little bit more of that?

- Course you can.
- Thank you.

Oh, that's not French cheese.

- Yeah, 'cause the West Coast...
- That's alright.

The West Coast is still...
Yeah, they're still trading...

- Don't step down!
- What's happened?

Oh, my God, Audrey!

We need somebody on this ledge.

Ooh, it's very dangerous.

Oh, hello.

Are you OK?

Audrey? It's so dangerous.

- Shh.
- He nearly kamikazed.

He's fine. He's been going
up and down it all morning.

That was racist.

He's very advanced, isn't he?

Must be double-jointed or something.

Audrey, we really do need
some sort of safety mat, pillows?

Safety mat. Do we have a safety mat?

There's absolutely no baby-proofing
in this garden.

No, you just need to teach
them spatial awareness.

Look, I could put him on top
of a fridge to play

and he wouldn't even fall off.

That's weird. Why would you do that?

Baby-proofing's a scam.

Kids have better coordination
than most adults.

Ooh! No, it's all good.

I got it. Whoo! Didn't even spill.

Guess I'm driving, then.

Whee! We got news!

Why are we clapping?

Oh, we're... we're going again.

Four months pregnant, suckers!

- Massive.
- Wow, that's great news.

- Thanks, guys.
- Just great. Congrats.

We better get a wriggle on.

That's fantastic!

Thank you, Audrey.

Yeah, we're super excited.
Feeling very blessed.

Or unblessed!

So soon? Accident, was it?

No, no.

We wanted them close together.
I read a thing that said

smaller gaps lead
to stronger sibling bonds, so...

Unless they're you and your sister.

15 months apart. Barely speak now.

She didn't even send Stevie a present.

Sent an e-card.

But you're probably an anomaly. Hope so.

Did you and your sister take care
of each other, like, at school?

Oh, my God, Ferociously competitive.

- No, we weren't! I mean...
- What?!

He did art just to beat her.
He hated art.

Hey, at least you get all the shitty
part out of the way real quick.

They get to play together.

Hey, show her the bite mark
you got from your sister.

- Go on.
- Hey, no.

It's very impressive!

No. No, let's... let's raise a toast.

- You're out of champagne.
- Really?

Wow. Never mind.

Raise whatever's in your glass.
To Sophie, to Ziggy and...

little Ziggy.

And to Stevie!

Why we're all here.

Happy birthday, darling.

- Happy birthday!
- Cheers.

This has been so fun!

- Aud?
- Hmm?

- Oh, where'd you get that?
- I found it in the toilet.

Any more?

- No, there was just the one.
- Oh.

She's still in there.

Oh, the kissing emoji,
that's a tell-tale sign.

Tell me, was it kissing? Or...?

You OK?

What? I'm fine.

You sure?

- It was pretty big out there.
- What? I'm great.

But really, she's a bit of a show-off.

So's Mr "I only eat cheese
in France." Fuck off.

She's pregnant, Aud.
She's just sharing her news.

Well, don't. It's Stevie's day,
she could have waited.

And why aren't they leaving?
I said 10:00 till 12:00.

They have been here for hours.

Maybe waiting for the cake?

Shit, the cake. Oh, fuck.

Happy birthday, dear Stevie

Happy birthday to you.

- Hip-hip...
- Hooray.

- Hip-hip...
- Hooray.

- Hip-hip...
- OK, thanks, Pete.

Smile, darling. Just a little smile.

Hey, hey.

Oh, yay.

It looks like a...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It does. Like a old white man's.

Aud, how'd you get the flesh colour?

Oh, it's preservative-free pink.

Yummy. Who wants some?

Go, Lorena!


- Lorena Bobbitt.
- Oh, yeah.

Can I have the tip?

OK, um...

He went into pornography afterwards.

Everyone line up,
I'll get some paper plates.

- Oh, that's right.
- We saw it.

So she said I'm pregnant.

We knew that, Aud.

Maybe it's good to do all
the baby thing,

get it all over with, before we get
used to sleeping again?

No, not good for my uterus.

What did the doctor say?

That you should've waited
at least one year, preferably two,

before getting me pregnant.
Apparently she told us that.

Why? What's the reason?

I wrote it down in the thingy.

God, my writing is just a scrawl.

Virtually illegible. Look at that.

- "Ute..." Oh... "Uterus scar".
- "Uterus".

"Uterus scar, thin.

"Vertical incision.

- "T up weaker."
- That's not making sense.

- That's my scar thing.
- Right.



"Tri... Tri...

Oh, "Third trimester. Split.


- "Hoover...?
- Is it haemorrhage?

Oh, yes. I really can't spell.

"120 over 80." Oh, that's my,
blood pressure, which is very good.

What does that mean, split?
I mean, are you...?

Yeah, my uterus...

- scar could split.
- And what happens then?

Does that say 'fatal'?

- Holy shit, Aud.
- No, I think that's foetal.

Foetal or fatal...?
Oh, no, that's... that's fatal.

But I'm not... I'm not gonna die.

I mean I could, but how many people
die in childbirth these days?

You nearly did last time.

OK, she said
that's all worst-case scenario.

There is still a possibility
that we could avoid all of that

and have another healthy baby.

Of course, I will support you, Aud,
with whatever you want.

Whatever you want.

But I don't want you to die.


Jesus, is it the 18th century?

Fuck these shelves!

Have you seen a packet of eight
screws? They're about this big.

Sor... sorry.

Uh, no, I haven't seen any screws.

Hey, did you get some good photos today?

Yeah. Oh, got a nice one of you two.

I'll just have to crop out the penis.

And your hair's in shadow so...
there you go.

Did we do the right thing?


Yes, we did, honey.

I'm gonna wash this out.

Winter came in the dead of night

Told me everything
was gonna be alright

Springtime said there's one sure thing

Life can get you down

If you don't look

At what your love can bring

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh

Running round in circles for you

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh

It's worth it

It's worth it for you

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh

You know that I love you, I do

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh