The Leftovers (2014–2017): Season 1, Episode 4 - B.J. and the A.C. - full transcript

MAN: You want something to drink?

Water?
Coffee?

Drano?

Holiday dance is tomorrow night.

Fundraiser, for the new library.

I take it you don't give a shit
about the new library.

Uh-huh.
(CLEARS THROAT)

I wanna ask you a favor.

Give us a little break tomorrow.

You know, don't show up
with your people and your signs

and your "Stop wasting your breath"
bullshit.



If you come,
I'm not gonna protect you.

It's the holidays.

People wanna drink.
They wanna relax,

blow off a little steam,

spend some time with their families.

What the fuck does that mean?

- (KNOCKING)
- MAN: Hey there, Chief.

Did it work?

Yeah. They'll be there.

- Fucking briar patch, huh?
- Fucking briar patch.

Make sure everything's ready
at the school for the walkthrough.

Tell the mayor to be there.
I don't want any fucking pushback

- when I arrest these assholes.
- Copy that, Chief.

MAN: Anything else?



Oh, it looks like somebody stole
the baby from the Nativity.

You know, Jesus.

- Am I supposed to give a shit?
- Uh, no.

That's correct, Dennis.

(LINE RINGING)

RECORDING: The number you have
dialed is no longer in service

and there is no new number.

The number you have dialed
is no longer in service

and there is no new number.

What the fuck, Tommy?

♪ (COUNTRY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

He'll call.

- When?
- When we need him to.

It's been six fucking weeks,
Christine.

I think we fucking need him to.

- He'll call.
- (MAN SPEAKS, INDISTINCT)

Why are you in my dream?

(MAN SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Why are you in my dream?

Are you Christine?

- CHRISTINE: Um...
- Do you know this guy?

I talked to him a couple of times.

You walk over the dead.

Hey, step the fuck back, man.

- Hey! Hey!
- They're all in white!

- You walk over the dead!
- Get off of her! Get off of her!

- They're all in white!
- CHRISTINE: Stop!

- They're all in white!
- (CROWD SCREAMING)

They're all in white!

- Fuck!
- (FABRIC RIPPING)

They're all in white!

- Get off me! Get off me!
- Call the police!

- Tell him to fuck off!
- Call the cops! Call the police!

- Don't touch her!
- I know!

I know what's inside you!

I know what's inside you!

Come on, Christine.
Let's get out of here.

Come on! Come on!

I know what's inside you.

(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Ooh, that for me?

- Nope.
- Yeah, it is. What'd you get me?

- What'd you get me?
- The greatest gift of all, love.

Found them.

Those are grandpa's, not ours.

I'll look for the others
when I get home tonight, okay?

I tried calling your brother.

Did he get a new cell phone?

I don't know.

Well, when's the last time
you talked to him?

A couple of months ago.

He's still in San Francisco, right?

I don't know.

- Well, what do you know?
- I told you I haven't talked to him.

- Stop copping me.
- I'm not copping--

I'm allowed to care about
where your brother is.

Okay, I get it.
Jesus, Dad.

Hey, speaking of Jesus,
big deal at school, Mr. Garvey.

- Everybody's talking about it.
- What?

The baby, how it just vanished
from the manger.

It didn't vanish.
It got stolen.

So does that mean it's the police's
responsibility to get it back?

Well, Aimee, as the Chief of Police,

I would say that that might be
a misuse of our resources.

- They're just gonna replace it.
- That's cheating.

Excuse me?

You can't just get a new one.
It's sacred.

Jill, did you steal the baby Jesus?

- That's sick.
- It is sick.

Okay.
I have an actual job to go to.

So, I just wanna be clear that I'm
not gonna be doing anything about...

...whatever this is.

Cool. Don't.

Enjoying my sandwich?

All right. Listen up or else, we're
gonna have another fucking riot.

Gym only has three entrances.
We're not posting on any of them.

- WOMAN: Yeah, you got it?
- So where are we?

We are gonna be in the parking lot,
unmarked cars, waiting.

And if the GR sets foot
on school property,

we're gonna arrest them
for criminal trespass.

We're gonna scatter two-man teams,
there, there, there and there.

We have four more in the vans.

As soon as they come
onto school grounds, we move.

Miranda, Zip-Cuffs...

Hang on.
Give me a minute.

WOMAN: What?
How do you spell that?

A-F-O-R-D-A, baby boy,

20 inches, the white one.

Obviously the fucking white one,
Marlene. Fuck. Goodbye.

Did you know somebody stole
the baby Jesus?

- Yeah.
- All you have to do is run over

to the Biggie Superstore
and pick a new one up.

A new one?

For fuck's sake, Kevin.
It's not the actual baby Jesus.

Then you fucking do it.

Can you give the Chief and I
a moment?

Here's what you're gonna do.

Get the fucking baby, open the box,
strip it naked,

scruff it up so you can say
that you found it in a ditch,

or a dumpster, or something.

And why would I do that?

Because you need a win, Kevin.

♪ (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Fuck.

KEVIN: Somebody stole it.
Now, we're gonna get it back.

And check the bank
that faces the Nativity,

see if we can pull
last night's camera feed.

- DENNIS: Are you serious?
- Yes, Dennis. I am serious.

So should I make that
the priority or--

No. The dance is still the priority
but I would like to stop dealing

with the goddamned
baby fucking Jesus.

- (RATTLING)
- Fuck.

- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- Fuck.

Fuck.

DENNIS: Hey, Chief. You okay?
Are you there?

- Chief?
- (CLICKING)

Hey, Chief. You okay?
Chief.

WOMAN: All right,
thank you so much.

I'll be with you in a minute.

- Hey, you want a bull's-eye, man?
- No, thanks, dude.

It's so the Creator can find us,
you know, for next time.

Hey, good luck with that.

- CHRISTINE: How much longer?
- I don't know.

- What did you say to him?
- What?

The naked guy who attacked you,

you said you talked to him
before he went batshit.

- What'd you say?
- I don't remember.

- Did you talk about Wayne?
- Maybe.

Okay, you can't talk
about the ranch, Christine, okay?

It isn't my fault he attacked me.

It is your fault
because you can't tell strangers

that you're pregnant
with Wayne's baby.

I didn't tell him!
It was in his dream!

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Shh...

From now on, you keep
your fucking mouth shut, okay?

Not a fucking word.

WOMAN: This will be a little cold.

So, you haven't been to see
a doctor before now?

No.

So no prenatal care, vitamins,
anything like that?

No.

(HEART BEATING RAPIDLY)

There's the heart right there.

It looks like you're at about
12 weeks, give or take.

So the baby's okay?

You wanna tell me what happened?

- A guy attacked her.
- A guy?

Yeah, a guy.
I mean, he came out of nowhere.

He was on drugs or something.

- Did you call the police?
- Uh, no.

(SCOFFS)

I had to hit him
to get him off her.

He just ran away.
I wanted to get her here.

- Are you the father?
- Just a friend.

The fetus looks normal
but I wanna admit you to maternity

and do a few more tests,
be on the safe side.

Just stay put, okay?

Get up, we're leaving.
Come on, get up.

What?

She thinks I did this to you.
Get up! Come on! Let's go!

Say it wasn't my fault.

It wasn't your fucking fault!
Now, come on!

You have to mean it.

It isn't your fucking fault!
Come on!

Don't tell them anything.

Call security.

Hey! Hey! Hey, stop!

Hey, come on, man.

On the other side.

He's entering the door
to the north stairwell.

(SINGING ALONG TO HIP-HOP)

(HONKING)

Dude. Dude.

- Dude. I'm driving.
- Dude, no, no.

I think he wants us to pull over,
man.

- Pull over.
- Going. I'm going.

Shit.

Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.

Hey, Officer. Sorry.

We didn't know you were a cop...

...because you usually have
those flashy things--

You two hang out with my daughter,
right?

- Jill Garvey?
- Yeah. Sure.

She's awesome.

Did she steal the baby
out of the Nativity scene?

What?

I've got security video.

And one of the suspects
was wearing a hoodie.

That's profiling.

Which one of you
is the fucking smart one?

You were a part of this
and we all know that

but your dreams of getting high
in college will die

because you'll have an arrest
on your fucking transcript.

But if that baby is returned to me,
no questions will be asked.

Understood?

- We don't get high--
- Understood?

Yeah.

Have a nice day.

(LAUGHTER)

BOY: Dude, do not Instagram that.

The cops can trace that shit.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

You're gonna get busted, Jill.
Your dad already knows you took it.

- Did you tell him I took it?
- No.

But he knows.

Whatever.
He doesn't care anyway.

What the fuck are you doing?

As our esteemed guest was unjustly
crucified by the Romans,

I, milady, am bestowing unto him
a Roman soldier's helmet.

- What is that?
- You will find out.

Dude.

- God.
- Don't.

My God.
Get your balls off the Son of God.

- Fuck.
- We're bringing him back, right?

- What?
- Your dad's obviously looking for it

and he has enough shit
on his plate, you know.

Hey. Give me that.

- We're gonna need some gasoline.
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Fuck, yeah.

BOY: You are
a fucking genius, Garvey.

Son of God, King of Kings,

Lamb of Lambs.

I anoint thee.

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

♪ (ALL SINGING "SILENT NIGHT") ♪

Light him up, Garvey.

(CHANTING) Light him up!
Light him up!

ALL: Light him up!
Light him up!

Light him up!
Light him up!

Light him up!
Light him up!

Light him up!
Light him up!

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

(KIDS GROANING, BOOING)

What the fuck was that?

Go fuck yourselves.

- Go fuck ourselves!
- ALL: (CHANTING) Go fuck ourselves!

Go fuck ourselves!
Go fuck ourselves!

Go fuck ourselves!
Go fuck ourselves!

Go fuck ourselves!
Go fuck ourselves!

Go fuck ourselves!
Go fuck ourselves!

Go fuck ourselves!
Go fuck ourselves!

(SIREN)

(BEVERAGE CAN OPENING)

(CHUCKLES) Clever.
Clever.

Okay.

Now's your chance.

You want me to trust you?

You want me to give my life
for that girl?

Then you need to let me know why.

You have to let me know why.

I wanna go home.

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Last chance.

Fuck you.

(RINGING)

Hello? Wayne?

- RECORDING: Have you lost someone?
- What?

So many of us were affected
by the events of October 14th.

Even now, after all this time,
we're still struggling.

(LAUGHING)

Still looking for help
but not knowing where to turn.

If you or anyone you know
has suffered loss

as a result of the Sudden Departure,

please hold
for a Loved Ones Representative.

You're fucking good, Wayne.
That's a real fucking good one.

MAN: Hello? What's it gonna be? Sir?

(BRAKES RELEASE)

- ♪ (BLUES OVER RADIO) ♪
- (BARKING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

- I'm Meg. We met the other day and--
- No, I remember.

- Do you wanna come in the house?
- Yes, thank you.

You can smoke in the house.

These came into the precinct today.

So, if you don't eat them,
they'll probably just go stale.

There you go.

And a knife.

- Did you want a coffee?
- No, thank you.

What's that?

"Kevin, I can't say this to you

but I won't just slip it
under the door and run away.

You deserve to look at me
when it is said.

You were a good husband, Kevin,
probably a great one.

You were there
when I needed someone the most.

You fixed another man's mess,
my mess.

You raised Tom
as if he were your own

and you loved him
even when he wouldn't let you."

What are you doing?

"I need you to know
this isn't your fault.

It's nobody's fault.

I was broken.
I tried to fix myself.

I tried for you, and for Tom,
and for Jill,

but I think I'm supposed
to stay broken.

- Maybe we all are."
- What's in that envelope, Laurie?

"I won't insult you, Kevin,

by saying that this is
what's best for you--"

Please stop talking
just for a second.

- "It's not my place to know--"
- What's in the envelope?

"You've always been
the best shoulder to cry on..."

KEVIN: Please stop talking.

- "...but I had to stop crying..."
- What's in the envelope?

- "The world changed..."
- Shut the fuck up!

Are they making you do this?

You just-- You don't
talk to me for six months

and then you just walk in here
into our house...

...and then you give me this?

No.

No.

I'm your husband.
We made fucking vows.

You want this, this over?
Then you fucking say it!

You fucking say it!
Not her!

Say it!

"I want this over!"

Fucking say it.
You fucking say it, Laurie!

KEVIN: Honey?

It's for you.

I think you should go.

I didn't know you had a daughter.

You should keep that.

I won't tell.

(CLATTERING)

Excuse me.

- Uh, where's maternity?
- Fifth floor.

Thank you.

You know you're in a hospital?

We don't believe in shoes, man.

How'd you end up like this, kid?

I was abandoned by my father.

(DISTANT BABY CRYING)

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You ready to go now?
- Yeah.

Here.

What's that for?

It'll make you invisible

so the Creator can find us.

I knew you'd come back.

I promised that I would protect you.

I'll protect it too.

Leave your shoes.

Headed to the dance.

I put the 20 bucks under the magnet
if you want to order a pizza.

Thanks.

How much did you hear last night?

"Fucking say it, Laurie."

Why was she here?

Well, it's complicated.

Let me know when it gets simple.

- Go, go, go.
- Hey!

Stop, stop, stop!

Drive! Now!

They found him.

- MAN: You don't know where Yemen is?
- WOMAN: No, I don't. Show me.

MAN: I'll draw a map on your hand.

(MAN, WOMAN CHUCKLING)

So if Dubai is here,

then Yemen is right here.

- Hi there, buddy.
- Hey.

We didn't wanna wake you.

Tom, this is Tom.

How about you, Tommy...

(PASSENGERS SCREAM)

- You okay?
- Uh-huh.

TOM: Careful there, Tommy.

Some sad idiot paid a fucking fortune
just to bury that thing.

Hey, Tom!
They're all in white!

It's just like the dream!

(APPLAUSE, FROM INSIDE)

And one last thank you
to Chief Garvey

and his amazing team
for keeping us all safe tonight.

Come on up here, Kevin.
Say hello.

Thank you, Madame Mayor.

I'm sure we're all set to have
a pretty great time tonight.

I'd only ask that if you have
a few drinks

that you call a cab
on the ride home.

Thank you.

And also, I know a lot of you
were worried about this little guy...

...but we found him safe and sound.

And as soon the dance is over,

I am personally gonna
be delivering him

back to the manger,
so that's...

(CLEARS THROAT)

- ...there's that.
- (SCARCE APPLAUSE)

- Thank you, Chief Garvey.
- Sure.

We're lucky to have you.

Okay, Mapleton.
How about a slow one?

You all danced out?

I'm just taking a break
before my stunning finale.

- Mm. (CHUCKLES)
- What's up with the baby?

- It's not real. It's...
- I figured.

This was my locker.

- You went here?
- I did.

I don't remember you.

That's because you're much older
than I am.

(CHUCKLES)

That was my husband's locker.

Doug.

Ten feet away, it took him
a whole year to notice me.

- Oh.
- "Oh"?

No, I just...

I'm sorry about
what happened to him, to you.

I just found out he cheated on me.

I cheated on my wife.

Why?

(SIGHS)

Is there a good answer
to that question?

I think I just heard it.

- It's Kevin, right?
- Mm-hm.

- Nora?
- Mm-hm.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.

Nice to meet you.

- Have a good night.
- Night.

- MAN: Chief, we can't touch them.
- What?

They're about five yards back
from school property.

Chief, what are you--

Look like they're on school property
to me.

It's our word against theirs, right?

Hands behind your back.
Let's go, let's go, come on, up.

You know,
I actually started to worry

that you might be a human being
for once and not show up.

Thanks for not letting me down.

Where's everybody else?

Do you want me to come with you?

♪ (BLUES PLAYS OVER RADIO) ♪

Hey!

Hey, Chief.

I heard the baby went missing.
I had a spare.

Oh.

Merry Christmas.

(English US - SDH)