The League of Gentlemen (1999–2017): Season 2, Episode 7 - The League of Gentlemen Christmas Special - full transcript

(HEAVY BREATHING)

(HANDBELL RINGS)

(LIQUID GURGLES)

Finally I can watch the boxing.

Reverend Woodall!

Oh, bugger!

It's Tom Selleck. This was due three days ago.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Trouble at home.

What's the third King carrying?

Tweed...

by Lentheric.



Stella flushed the myrrh down the lav!

Give it here.

Ridiculous.

Actually, Reverend, I wonder
if I could ask your advice.

You don't want to confess, do you?

- No, nothing like that.
- Good!

I've got 6,000 Embassy in here
from Bruges. Do you fancy one?

No, thanks, Reverend.

- Lambert and Butler?
- Go on, then.

Well, take a pew.
What seems to be the trouble?

Well, I've been having these funny dreams.

You shouldn't be having sticky duvet
at your age.

No. They're more like anxiety dreams.

I've entered this line dancing
competition on Boxing Day.



Yes.

Well, I've been practising really hard.

It was our Julie's idea.

She said, "Find a common interest
that you both enjoy".

Stella said a divorce,

but then I saw this advert
in the paper for line dancing.

Well, I absolutely loved it,

but I don't think Stella was quite as keen.

(MUSIC: COUNTRY VERSION OF
"ROCKING AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE")

Apart from that, we were getting on as normal.

Just, well... a typical family Christmas.

Keep it still, dickhead!

- Hurry up, Julie!
- Don't shout!

I can't keep it up much longer.

That's what he said last night, Julie!

Oh, shut up, you bastard!

I'll have to do what I normally do
and finish it off myself.

My arm's hurting.

I forgot. It's your wanking hand, isn't it?

Your mum's upset
because I'm going line dancing tonight.

- He's not, Julie!
- He is, Julie!

- When's he coming home, ask him?
- When he's ready, tell her.

We always put the tree up
as a family, don't we, Julie?

We're not putting that up again.
We've had it ten years.

It's a good tree, isn't it, Julie?

It's all shrivelled up
and the baubles have dropped off!

- We know your personal problems.
- That's it. I'm going.

Wait!

Will you please ask your dad

if he'll come home and stuff the turkey tonight?

It's too late for that, Julie.

It's been in the freezer too long.

I'll see you later, Julie.

- Julie?
- She's at college today.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you're right. What a horrible dream.

No. The dream hasn't started yet. That was real.

I see. Carry on.

# Rocking around the Christmas Tree

# At the Christmas party hop... #

Look at him, Donna.
Thinks he's John frigging Travolta.

- More like John Prescott!
- At least he's active.

All my husband does is watch
the women's tits jig about.

I don't.

I never see him anymore, Donna.

It's like these bodybuilders. He's obsessed.

Why, has he been pumping iron?

I don't know what it is, Donna, but it stinks.

Hey, Stella. I'm entering that!

Ooh, congratulations, Charlie!

It'll be the first thing you've entered all year!

Stella, have you thought
about getting professional help?

What, like marriage guidance?

We've been there that often
we go to the Christmas party.

Have you ever heard of these people?

"Solutions"?

They helped me and Lee
when we had problems.

You and Lee?

He admitted he'd been unfaithful to me.
We're all right now.

Is this anything to do with hypnotism?

Polly once volunteered on a hen night
and she's not recovered.

When she hears Neil Sedaka,
she eats an onion as if it's an apple.

Just ring them, you'll be surprised
at what they can do.

Oh, aagh!

(STELLA) It's all very secretive, Barbara.

- I have to wear a mask.
- A mask?

What is it, the masons?

Well, kind of, but I think it's all women.

See if you can get me an appointment, then.

I tried to join the women-only gym
in town, but they turned me down.

Barbara, that's discrimination!

Well, it was embarrassing.
Me penis kept falling out.

- Out of your leotard?
- No, out of my locker.

I keep it for old time's sake, you know.

Well, here we go.

That'll be four pound, please.

Thanks, Barbara. Merry Christmas.

Good luck!

Password, please.

Prawn... toast.

(CLICKING AND WHOOSHING)

Hello?

Would you kindly put on your mask?

Oh, sorry. I've got it here.

(EERIE CHANTING)

Come closer, please.

Hiya.

Erm... I've got an appointment.

You're late.

I know. I had to go and get this.

The mask is inappropriate. Remove it, please.

Sorry. It was either this
or Spiderman and I thought...

- What's your problem?
- Sorry?

What is the cause of your sadness and pain?

Well, it's not pain exactly, it's just...

My husband Charlie, he's taken up this thing -

it sounds silly to say it now - line dancing?

- Oh, my Ron's mad on that!
- Sh!

Well, basically, I want him to stop.

We think we can help you, Mrs Hull,

but first you must bring us three things.

- A lock of his hair.
- A photographic likeness of his face.

An item he uses every day.

(SHOUTS GIBBERISH)

That will not be necessary.
Three items will suffice.

- Hang on, let me get a pen.
- Here.

Right. Thanks.

And I want it back.

She has to bring her own bag, dear.
We don't provide the bags.

- No need to be rude.
- I'm not.

Bring the items to us tomorrow.

We'll see what we can do.

Good day.

OK, look, two things.

Do I have to wear a mask,
because I can go back and get Spiderman?

That will not be necessary.

And how much is it all going to cost,
because it is Christmas?

The price cannot be made known
to you until the job is completed.

All right, but you better not swizz me.

Or else I'll get Anne Robinson onto you.

An item he uses every day.

Stella, have you seen me shaver anywhere?

Try downstairs. I used it to do my bikini line.

Urgh! I wondered what all them grey hairs were.

A lock of his hair.

Where the bloody hell is it, you stupid bitch?!

Hey? Which room is it in?

Stella!

This house is a frigging disgrace.

A photographic likeness of his face.

Whoo, here we go.
A pint of Dutch courage for Charlie boy.

Dry sherry for the good lady wife.

And a Screaming Orgasm for our Stella.

That'd be a first, wouldn't it?
You should have seen him last night.

It was like shoving an oyster
in a parking meter.

Yeah. Parking meters are grey,
aren't they, Lee?

You're in a good mood tonight.

Yes. Well, I've come to watch Pinky
win his little competition.

- Why d'you call him Pinky?
- He's a pig and stinks of shit.

(COMP?RE) Ladies and gentlemen,
the moment you've been waiting for.

Please welcome contestant
number one, Charlie Hull!

Go on! Go on!

Charlie!

Break your leg.

(LIVELY MUSIC:
"TOE TAPPIN' COUNTRY MAN")

Did you see them people I told you about?

- How did you get on?
- I think we're about to find out.

He's doing really well.

I know.

Is that enough, do you think?

- Look out.
- Oh, shit!

What's he doing, Riverdance?

(MUSIC STOPS)

I think you're right, Donna.
That's put an end to Pinky's line dancing.

Another Screaming Orgasm, please, Lee.

His new obsession is aquariums.
He's out now buying Black Mollies.

What about the sex? Is it still
like an oyster in a parking meter?

More of a crab stick.

What does that make me?

You? You're a big fat sperm whale.

I'm glad Donna never found out.
She'd have killed me.

I know. Good job you went to Solutions.

- What?
- Solutions.

Donna told me you went.
She even got me onto them.

- Who?
- Solutions.

They haven't told me the price yet.

I have honestly absolutely no idea
what you are talking abou...

Aagh!

- Lee?
- What's happening?

Lee?

- Lee? Lee!
- What's happening?

Lee!

Oh, someone help! Lee, you're bleeding! Help!

- Donna?
- Problem solved, Stella.

What?

What's this?

This is the price.

Help!

Help!

She's murdered me husband! Help!

Please, somebody, help!

Help!

Aaaagh!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

And it's just the same bloody dream,
night after night.

Reverend?

Reverend, are you all right?

Yes. If you look at this snowflake,
you can see a little dog's face...

Yeah, but what about my dream?

Oh, that.

Well, let me ask you two questions.

Charlie, in your heart of hearts...

do you love your wife?

No.

OK. Second...

Have you been eating
any cheese-based meals recently?

Couple or three pizzas.

I think you'll find the whole thing
is nothing but a cheese dream.

- Eh?
- A cheese dream.

A dream brought about by eating cheese.

You don't understand. I feel so alone.

I've been on my own
since I was an eight-year-old bairn!

Mummy! Mummy!

There was a Christmas to remember.

Now, come on, you, get out!

- Stop wasting my time!
- But I can't...!

Piss off home, Kenny Rogers,
and practise your Dorothy clicks.

- Please, it's Christmas Eve.
- Go on, off you go!

(KNOCKING)

Now what?

- We're shut!
- But it's Christmas!

Oh, bloody Christmas.

Sicking up brandy butter and chipolatas.

- What?
- Are you the priest here?

No, I'm the fucking gardener!
What do you think?

I'm seeking absolution.
Can you give it to me, preacher?

How pretty.

It's nothing to do with me.

They get the (BLEEP)
From Stanhope Park to put it up.

I thought such things were pretty once.

I thought Christmas meant something.

Goodwill to all men and all that.

But if you'd seen what I've seen, Reverend,

you'd tear down those trinkets

and grind them beneath your feet!

Oh, aye.

It was a long time ago.

I was young then.

I knew nothing of the world
and all its rottenness.

(CHOIRBOY SINGS) # Stille Nacht

# Heilige Nacht

# Alles schl?ft

# Einsam wacht

# Nur das traute

# Hochheilige Paar

(WRONG NOTE ON ORGAN)

# Holder Knab' im lockigen Haar

# Schlaf in himmlischer Ruh... #

#... In himmlischer... #

Herr Lipp?

Ja, das stimmt.

Ah, you must be the boy from England, nein?

- Matthew Parker.
- Matthew, genau so.

Here, let me hold your sack.

Oh, you are so kalt.

You have goosesteps all over.

Komm, meet your boyfriends.

Everybody, this is Matthew Parker.

- Matthew Parker, this is everybody.
- Hi.

Matthew is going to sing some
traditional English Christmas karens

in our concertina. Nicht wahr?

O Come All Ye Faithful.

Genaua so. Come In My... Face Full.

That sounds like a real good treat, hmm!

OK, boys. Die Probe ist jetzt fertig.

K?nnt euch umsehen.

Aber leise bitte, leise!

Boys.

Some of the older ones
can be quite a mouthful.

Come, let me show you about.

As you may know, Matthew,

the Duisburg Boys Choir is really quite famous

as all of the boys are awfuls, like yourself.

Awful?

Nein. Sie sind Waisen.
They have no Mutti und no Vater.

- Orphans.
- Orphans, ja.

Also orphans.

I can be so-pathetic to you

because I also have no Vater.

I understand that when you are Vaterless

you allow things to bubble up inside you.

In so fact, I think some of the boys
look upon me as a Vater.

- Really?
- Ja.

I was very lucky. I had a good Vater.

A really strong Vater.

He was a quiet Vater,

but his effects on me were devastating.

What?

My Vater makes you laugh?

Vater. The sins of the Vater are also in the son.

Wolf!

Es macht Spa?.

Ah.

Matthew, this is Lotte. She is my wife.

Ha!

Aber nicht ins Bett.

What did she say?

Um... that you are welcome.

Come.

Here we are. Home sweet home.

Now, Matthew, tomorrow, Lotte
will finger your hymn on the organ,

but I wish to conduct you myself.

If you'd like to follow me
up the stairs, Matthew.

We have gifted you your own room, naturlich.

I hope you will find everything to your comfort.

Lotte always wished for kinder of her own,

but, alas, we were not blessed.

I say to her that she should just
take pleasure from the boys as I do,

but she doesn't see things that way.

Oh, well, it um...

It's very cosy.

Danke sch?n.

Now, then, there is a blue towel
in the bathroom

for you to wipe yourself.

As you know, tomorrow is Christmastag.

We will meet in the morning for worship

and you can spend the afternoon
creaming off with the other boys.

Alles klar?

Oh, yes, that sounds great.

Alles klar.

Well, sleep tight.

Don't let the bugger bite you. Tsch?ss!

Weird.

Matthew?

(EERIE NEIGHING)

This is for you, Matthew.

I'm sorry about that, Matthew.

Fr?hst?ck.

Danke sch?n.

Du hast zwanzig Minuten.

Zwanzig Minuten?

Merry Christmas to you too.

(HALF-HEARTEDLY)
# O come all ye faithful

# Joyful and triumphant

# O come ye, O come ye

# To Bethlehem... #

- Louder, Matthew.
- # Come and behold him

# Born the king of angels

# O come let us adore him

(LAUGHTER)

# O come let us adore him

# O come let us adore him

# Christ the Lord. #

Andreas! Ah, I'm going to get you!

I'm going to get you!

Oh, Klaus, fr?hliche Weihnachten!

Ah, what do we have in here?

Oh, sch?n, some earrings. Just my colour, ja?

Frau Lipp?

Can I ask you a question?

You know your husband...

Obviously you know your husband.

Um... I was wondering... Is he a vampire?

Es tut mir leid.

Ich spreche kein Englisch.

It's just he's bitten me once,

and I think those boys in there
might be in danger.

- You know, blood? Fangs?
- You're welcome.

So you do understand me.

Leave Duisburg.

Tonight.

So I'm right, then. He is one.

Ich spreche kein Englisch. Es tut mir leid.

(SHE WEEPS)

(HERR LIPP) Guten Abend, Klaus.
Guten Abend, Andreas.

Schlaf gut. Don't let the bugger bite you.

Tsch?ss.

(KNOCKING)

Who is it?

Oh, good, you are still erect.

I was petrified you would be asleep.

I thought I would just creep in
and give this to you.

It is your Christmas present.

Thank you.

The paper is a little lousy,

but I hope you understand that
sometimes the inside of something

can be beautiful, even if the package isn't...

Well... isn't.

Oh, great. Thanks.

Well, it's perfume. Perfume's perfume.

It's kalt.

Oh! I have squished your mouthbrush.

You must forgive me. I'm a little whoopsie.

I don't know what you can be doing
with this in your bed.

I like you, Matthew.

You are so much nicer
than the other queer boys.

Sorry?

The other boys who sing in the queer.

- Oh, them.
- Ja.

You have something special.

Do you have any German in you?

- No.
- Do you want some?

Oh, Matthew! I think one of us
has made a trump.

Here, let us cover the stink
with some after-shame.

Some for me.

And some for du.

No! Get away from me!

I know what you are!

Get out.

The absence of love is the most abject pain.

Leave me alone.

I will try.

(HERR LIPP) I don't think Matthew
will be joining us.

I think perhaps he had too much
to drink yesterday.

Hmm? No. I don't drink...

wine.

Frau Lipp!

Help!

# O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum... #

Herr Lipp!

Carry on, boys. Carry on.

Matthew, are you all right?
Your colour is very hectic.

Stay back!

You have splashed all over me.

I know what you are.

I know what you're doing, but I won't let you!

I don't want to become one of you!

Please, Matthew, not in front of the boys.

Look what you did to me!

No. I would never suck on a first date.

You're a vampire!

- What?
- You're a vampire!

And I'm going to prove it to everyone!

Lotte, was passiert?

You could never give me boys, Wolf,

so I had to provide my own.

- Nein!
- OK, boys.

This is no longer a rehearsal.

Enjoy this performance, Wolf.

It will be your last.

I'm so sorry.

Go, Matthew! Save yourself!

I was going to stick this into you!

- Oh!
- I thought you were a vampire.

No, Matthew.

I am just a queen.

Aaagh!

(MOANING)

- Is that it?
- What?

You think you're the only person
that's ever had a shit Christmas?

You've no idea.

Aaagh!

Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!

I lost my mother at Christmas.

Now, if you don't mind,
I'd quite like to be alone.

Thank you, Vicar, you've been
most kind. I'll show myself out.

Mummy! Mummy!

Aagh!

Now, come on, Bernice, you're not a kiddy now.

(KNOCKING)

Good evening.

I wonder if I could trouble you
for some hot water and towels?

Mr Chinnery?

What happened to you?

Mrs Godley's canary.

An ulcerated supercilium.

It should have been so simple.

Oh, what's the matter, my son?

I must tell someone or I'll go mad.

Oh, God, it's getting
like bloody Jackanory in here.

Carry on.

Tell me, Reverend...

do you believe a man can be cursed?

Have you met Barbara?

Yes.

You know, there was a time
when the name of Chinnery

was synonymous with excellence
in veterinary practice.

In fact, they said that my great-grandfather

was the foremost in his field.

(SNAP)

Sorry.

Come on, little fellow.

(ALL) Aaah!

There we are, Mrs Trevithick.

It was touch and go,
but I think he'll pull through.

God bless you, Vet'nary.
Everything they say of you is true.

- You've got a rare gift.
- I do my best.

A modern Saint Francis.
Isn't that right, Gladstone?

(LAUGHTER)

Three cheers for Mr Chinnery,
Prince of Vets. Hip, hip...

Huzzah!

- Hip, hip...
- Huzzah!

- Hip, hip...
- Huzzah!

Report to my rooms at six o'clock.

- Dr Majolica...
- Six o'clock, sir!

And don't be late.

Yes, sir?

I've an appointment with Dr Majolica.

This way, sir.

Dr Majolica will be with you presently, sir.

Thank you.

A Mr Chinnery to see you, sir.

Mmmm?

Oh, yes.

Will that be all, sir? It is my evening off.

Absolutely. Run along, Ashdown.
Fancy dress ball, is it?

No, sir.

Sit down as usual.

I'm glad I've had this opportunity...

The fact is it won't do, Chinnery!

It won't do at all.

I don't follow you.

Wasting your time on the mangy
mongrels of the hoi polloi.

I wouldn't describe them as such.

Hmm, wouldn't you?

A position has come up
in a good solid practice -

Purblind, Boothby and Canker.

But I was intending to set up practice myself.

I have acquaintance with the partners
and I'll put in a word.

- Well, I...
- Splendid. You'll leave tomorrow.

I was hoping to spend Christmas
with my family.

I hardly need say, Chinnery,

that we at the university would take
a very dim view of any refusal.

Not to mention the matter of your fellowship.

Hmm.

Where is this practice, sir?

It's in the north country.

A little place called Royston Vasey.

(CHILDREN CHEER)

Aaagh!

(RATTLING)

Get out of it, you workshy little urchin!

I'm sick of the sight of you!

What have I told you
about crutches on that treadmill?

I cannot help it. I am but a poor cripple...

I'll bloody cripple you!

Madam! What are you doing treating
this poor boy in such a fashion?

Think of the season!

Fine. He's yours.

And give me that quill back.

Come, little fellow.

I shall carry you upon my shoulder

as St Christopher carried the Christ child.

Cab!

(BARBARA) Aye, hop in.

Where to, guv?

The veterinary surgery, please,
and don't spare the horses.

Righto.

- Are you a doctor, sir?
- In a manner of speaking.

Thing is, I'm a martyr to my monthlies.

Beg your pardon?

Me issue's so heavy, it's soaking me bustle.

I disrobed last night,
it was like the frigging Crimea.

Yes. Thank you.

Mr Boothby will be with you presently, sir.

Thank you.

- If I may make so bold, sir?
- Yes, what is it?

Watch out for your feet, sir.

He doesn't give them a moment's thought.

Oh, dear.

What a life.

(BICYCLE BELL)

Chinnery! Heard a lot about you.

- Mr Boothby?
- That's me. Have you eaten?

- I got something earlier.
- I could get something.

- Don't go to any trouble.
- Good journey?

- Passable. Rather long.
- Quicker to cycle.

Mark me, Chinnery, in 20 years' time,

the bicycle will be the principal
method of transport between cities.

Gigantic velocipedes will transport
ten people at a time! Think of it!

- But the locomotive already...
- Nonsense!

- But the railway system...
- La la!

- There is already a network...
- La la la!

Now then, lad.

Old Majolica sings your praises
and that's good enough for me.

I can offer you a hundred a year
and use of a bicycle. What do you say?

- I'd be delighted.
- I think we'll get along well.

There is only one other matter.

My senior partner, Mr Purblind,
is an invalid.

He occupies the last room on the third floor.

He never stirs from his bed from dawn till dusk.

Save to go for a wee.

- You wish me to visit him?
- On no account.

Mr Purblind is a very sick man.

The slightest disturbance is abhorrent to him.

- Do you hear me?
- Yes, sir.

All my doors are open to you, Chinnery.

Except for the ones that are closed.

(GLASS SMASHES)

(CLUNKING AND CLATTERING)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

(BOOTHBY) Sorry. Goodnight, Mrs Huxtable.

(FAINT MOANING)

(FAINT WAILING)

(WAILING)

Mr Purblind?

Next door.

- Sorry.
- It's all right.

(CONTINUES WAILING)

(KNOCKING)

Yes?

Mr Purblind?

I am Magnus Purblind.

You must be the new boy.

Edmund Chinnery, sir.

Did they tell you you mustn't come in here?

Indeed they did, sir,

but I heard noises which I took
to be the sound of you in distress.

Distress!

I am accursed.

Sir?

You wouldn't think
to look at me now, Chinnery...

but once I was a young and handsome fellow.

When?

A long time ago.

Well, we all have to get old.

I'm trying to say that I'm old beyond my years.

My life has been blighted.

Twisted out of shape...

by the forces of darkness.

I see.

Once, I was Chief Veterinary Surgeon

in the Indian province of Karrit Poor.

I was respected...

Ioved, even.

The Maharajah of Karrit Poor
had a favourite pet -

a little monkey named Topov.

Topov was known to be a cheeky monkey,

who enjoyed the simulation of coitus

from anything that came to hand.

And on that fateful day...

I received a call.

Oh, woe!

The little monkey Topov

was suffering a delicate condition.

And what was your prognosis?

I assured the anxious Maharajah

that the little fellow's "little fellow"

could be freed by the simple
application of ordinary Vaseline.

I reached into my bag for the jar

and the spatula,

and applied a smear of the substance

to the root of the monkey's genital cluster.

But what was the cloud

issuing from the monkey's hips?

Verruca acid?!

I was fucked.

The Maharajah!

Never never have I seen
such a look upon a human face.

Sometimes on cows
and once on a gorilla, but this...

The Maharajah vowed vengeance.

He picked up Topov's steaming jewels...

and, holding them aloft,

called upon his gods!

Topov's parts.

Touch them.

- What?
- Touch them and see.

No. No, I...

I mustn't.

Feel them.

Feel the knackers.

I'm free! I'm free at last!

Free? Free to do what?

Free to practise veterinary medicine.

Free to give a gerbil an enema.

I don't understand.

Sorry. Is it over, Magnus? Is the curse lifted?

Curse? What curse?

The Maharajah's curse.

That any animal I touched
would meet a dreadful end.

A vile and terrible curse.

And absolute professional death for a vet.

- That's true.
- Tommyrot!

I don't know what you mean by luring me here.

For years we've been waiting.

Then I encountered you, Chinnery.

Majolica.

Or as my colleagues here know me -

the silent partner

in the firm of Purblind, Boothby and Canker.

I am a man of science, sir, as I took you to be.

I refuse to accept this cheap mummery!

But you have lifted the curse.

You have taken it upon yourself.

Another vet has touched
the monkey's bollocks.

And now you and all your descendants

shall suffer the curse of Karrit Poor!

(THUNDER CRACKS)

And I can move to Harrogate.

Ah, Mrs Trevithick,
just bear with me one moment.

I heard things didn't work out
for you up north, sir.

I am sorry.

Not to worry, Mrs T.

Plenty to occupy me down here,
like little Gladstone, for instance.

Couldn't leave him behind, could I?

I'm afraid he's a bit
under the weather again, sir.

Oh. Please, take a seat.

Hello.

- It's a rather nasty eye infection.
- Good heavens!

Both ocular orbits have been
occluded by a build up of matter.

There's pressure behind Gladstone's eyes.

- What are we to do?
- Oh, it's the work of moments.

A small surgical tap should do the trick.

Just have to find the optimum point.

Just around...

here.

(DOG BARKS)

(HORSES WHINNY, GLASS SMASHES)

(HUGE COMMOTION OUTSIDE)

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

He and all his descendants.

- Don't you see?
- Now, listen, pet...

I've tried to avoid it.

I gave it all up to work in a pub,

but six drayman's horses died
on my first shift.

It's my destiny. I can't escape it.

Now, listen. I've learned
a lot of things tonight -

about people, about myself,

about the nature of fear.

And it's all up here. It's all in your mind.

Whatever's happened in the past
is over and done.

It's up to us to face the future.

- But the curse...?
- There's no such thing as a curse!

Now, do you have any more cases pending?

Well, there's Mr Sykes' prize stallion.
A testicular torsion.

Well, get out there and unknot those nuts.

You can do it!

Yes. You're right!

I can do it.

Thank you, Reverend.

Merry Christmas.

And a very merry Christmas to you too.

Oh.

Ho, ho, ho!

Now, I think I might get up early

and be in here in time for the first carols.

And then I could put some sherry out
for the bell ringers.

That'd be nice.

And the kiddies from St Mark's will be coming...

Oh, thank the Lord.
I was hoping to see you again.

I'm sorry about the snowball before.

I was in a bit of a mood, but I'm happy now.

(RASPING VOICE) Hello, Dave.

- I'm sorry?
- Is that Dave?

Oh, God!

It's nice to see you again, Dave.

All grown up.

Mummy! Mummy!

You're my wife now!

(SLEIGH BELLS RING)

(RASPING VOICE) Merry Christmas!