The League (2009–2015): Season 7, Episode 9 - The Yank Banker - full transcript

Morning, love.

Time to get it done.

♪ Come to me Shiva,
show me what to do ♪

♪ Pete's little tiny
erect dick ♪

♪ No one knew
what to do with it... ♪

Come on!

Good morning!

Morning.

Mondays, huh?

It's Wednesday, Taco.

I got it.



Taco.
Whoa.

Well, another day,

another dollar.

Literally. Let's go.

Oh, I-I can't
see the stairs.

Oh, my God. Come on.

Should have waited to put the helmet on.
You think?

I'm glad you're finally
going back to that bank job.

Couldn't stay away.
I love banking.

Whee!
Taco, get your head back in the car!

Nice spot!

All right!

Hey, MacArthur!

Hey, Tim!



I didn't know it was "Bring
Your Muppet to Work Day."

What? Oh, no, no.

That guy-- he's, uh...
I'm his brother!

Oh, wait a minute.

Are you one of those
Occupy Wall Street types?

Get a job, you hippie.

I didn't know you had a brother.

That was the point.

Hey, can I put my lunch
in your work fridge?

I'm still an outside banker.

Yes, Taco.

The carpooling MacArthurs.

Okay, um,

let's just keep this
between us, Tim, all right?

Oh, I... will.
I love you, brother.

Taco, please. I...
Oh, my God!

Have a good day at work.

Four score and seven years ago,

our fathers brought
onto this continent--

thank you, sir--
a new nation.

Come on into the bank.
And dedicated...

We've got great rates on CDs.
...to the proposition...

Jenny, what do we owe
the pleasure of your company?

I just had to see this
with my own two eyes.

I used to think I wanted
him to get a real job

until he got a real job.

It's like his job is just

harassing people
and groping women.

- No, that's Judge Warren! No, leave him alone!
- Hello, sir.

Here you go. Hey!
Don't touch Judge Warren!

Hey, hey, looking good! Come on!
I work with him, Taco!

- Hands to yourself!
- Let him do his job.

Wow, ladies love McJiblets.

Not sure about that.

Hey! What's up, Libby?
Hey, hello.

I just ran into
your brother. Hi.

He gave me this flyer,
which was really cute,

and he also gave me a hug.

A really aggressive hug.

I apologize.
So sorry.

That's what he does.
Have a seat.

Oh! No thank you. I can't stay.

I just came by
to personally invite you,

and all of you,

- to my birthday party next week.
- Oh, cool!

Wow, fun!
Nice. Thank you.

I intend on saying good-bye

to my 20's with a hangover.

Fantastic!

- Sounds fun.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah? Cool.
- Great.

Just, uh, bump me the deets.

I already did.

Yeah, but I need more deets.

When it's starting, the parking
information, the attire...

Thank you very much
for the invitation, Libby.

Sounds super fun. Yeah.
You're welcome.

All right, you guys. I'll see you later.
Bye. Bye.

So, saying good-bye to her 20's.

Do you think that's suicide,
or just turning 30?

Well, unfortunately for me,
it's turning 30.

I mean, you have no idea
how stressful it is

casually dating someone
who's about to turn 30.

If I show up
to that birthday party,

it pretty much means
I'm her boyfriend.

- May even mean that we're exclusive at this point.
- Wow.

You're about
to sign a long-term contract.

I mean, that's at least a couple months.
Exactly!

Yeah, it's like NFL teams think
really long and hard before

signing a 29-year-old running
back to a long-term deal.

I mean, at 30,
production goes down.

Points go down, playing time
goes down, blow jobs go down.

What?!
They don't go down?

You're disgusting.
Pete, this is a myth.

Adrian Peterson is 30,
and he is kicking ass.

You are terrified of commitment,
that's what this is.

- Chris Johnson!
- Hello, sir. How you doing, sir?

Steven Jackson!
Really?

Come on in, open up
a new checking account! - All right!

Blow jobs are going way down.

I need a conference call

with Poesner any time this
afternoon-- MacArthur!

Yes!

Mr. Lipscombe.
Kind of a late lunch, don't you think?

Oh, you're probably right.
Are you phoning it in

for the rest of the fall,

while you do your little
fantasy football thing?

Or are you trying to get
kicked off the case again?

Huh?
Oh, no. I apologize again. I...

Ah! Just busting
your balls!

Oh...
You!

I like this deer in the headlights look.
Yeah.

This is good.
This is good stuff.

Uh, speaking of busting balls:

You got a brother
who's handing out flyers

in a Mr. McJiblets costume?

What an idiot!

I told him, "You're a dummy!"
No, he's not!

I love Mr. McJiblets.

Me, too.
My son loves Mr. McJiblets.

- Of course. - In fact, we're gonna do
a-a birthday party for him.

- We're gonna get a Mr. McJiblets
guy to come in costume. - Lovely.

Oh!
Mm.

Kevin, I'd like you to meet
my lovely wife Gloria.

You did it again! Oh. Oh.

She came down
to help me plan the party.

Hello. I am Kevin MacArthur.

You were laughing a second ago.

What was so funny?

Me?
Yeah...

Yeah.
Laughing? No.

I think you came over, laughing.

I wasn't laughing.
You weren't laughing?

No.
No. Who was laughing, then?

You were laughing.
I was laughing?

Yup.
I was laughing!

Why was I laughing?
Why was I laughing?

Why were you laughing?

I was laughing because
I remember the time

that you, me and Judge Humphries
did that thing, and...

And then she said...
What did she say?

She said, um... what?

What did she say?

She said it.
It was a thing!

Um, I... was like...

What did she say...?

He works for you.

He's the worst attorney we have.

Yeah.

Namaste.

Andre? Andre Nowzick?

Oh, my God.
Brittany Barber!

Wow, I haven't seen you
since college!

This is bananas!
Yeah, um...

I saw that article of you

in Chi-Town Style
about you being

the number two plastic
surgeon in all of Chicago!

Actually,
that's an old magazine.

I am number one now.

The, uh... the guy
in front of me lost his hands,

so it was a no-brainer.

- I've been thinking about
you, and I was... - Really?

hoping we could meet up.

Um, well, I would love
to meet up with you.

I mean, if you're free.

I will be free for you
anytime you want.

Friday?
Friday is great!

Yeah? Like, 2:00?
Yes! Perfect!

How much time do you think
I need for a consultation?

Uh... 30 minutes?

Great! I can totally
squeeze that in on my lunch.

I cannot wait.

This is crazy. Ah, great.
Oh! Ah!

All right.
Oh!

Oh...
So damp.

Yeah, it's, uh, hot yoga.

Do you want-want a towel?
Oh, no. Also damp.

Okay, yeah. Okay.
Okay.

Yes, it was not my finest hour,

but what was I supposed
to say to the guy?

"I laughed in your face
because there's no way

"I could imagine the two
of you being together

in any situation?"

Is that what it's really
about, or are you just a racist?

No. I'm not racist.
I was surprised.

Being surprised is not racist.

I was surprised by the woman's
size, the mass, her height!

I didn't even notice
the black thing until the end.

It's not racist. Was I...?
What I did, was that racist?

It's not racist,
but it's very rude.

At least, that's the consensus
around the office.

Don't tell anybody around
the office about what happened.

Oh, too late--
everyone's talking about it.

Jumbo, Big Chuck, Ray Ray.

Ray Ray? What?

And can you take the
stupid suit off, please?

We're in public.
You're keeping your suit on.

Plus, I'm naked
under here, so...

Noir! Pinot noir.

Guys, let me tell
you who I saw today.

Brittany Barber.

Brittany Barber?
Yeah. From college?

Wow! The old college crush.

How's she looking?

Well, Pete, she seems absolutely

fine, and she's done
quite well for herself.

"Oh, she seems fine,
she's done well for herself."

Look who's so objective
and calm.

Andre, you were obsessed
with her in college.

She came to me as a patient,
and I am simply her doctor.

Nothing more.
Really?

She was a long-term
investment in your yank bank.

You think you're gonna
be able to examine her

without making a deposit?

I can keep my work bank and my
yank bank completely separate.

Impossible.
Banks merge all the time.

Well, not mine.
I am a professional.

Professional lonely person.

Look, if you're
having problems with

your yank bank, and you need
someone to help you diversify

and protect your interests,
I'll be your yank banker.

A yank banker?

I'll help keep
your accounts separate,

and make sure
you don't go yankrupt.

But first, I'm gonna need
to audit your yank account.

Tell me about your wet dreams.

I'm not telling you about my
wet dreams, thank you very much.

Carpool on the way home?

I'm gonna get
real wasted right now.

- Do I have a choice?
- All right.

Wow, single guy problems.

Who would have thought,
at the beginning of the season,

when we made that bet
about who would be happier

at the end of the season,
that I'd be the single guy,

and you'd be in a
committed relationship?

I am not
in a committed relationship.

I haven't decided whether
I'm offering the long-term deal

to Libby yet.
Oh, really?

Pete, she is a consistently
good performer,

and she's exceeded all
of our expectations.

First of all, Dealmaking 101--
you do not reward past behavior.

I got to look to the future.
She's turning 30.

Oh, my God.
Okay, what if there's a steep decline

in energy and stamina?

She wants to move to the suburbs

and just, sort of like,
ride the pine in a mommymobile?

I mean, her birthday this
year is during the day.

Booty brunches are in.

Get my marg on,
have some nachies.

Don't do that.
No, it's a terrible thing.

It means she probably wants
to go to bed at 9:00 p.m.

You are afraid of commitment!
I am not afraid of commitment!

I mean, maybe I am. Look,
I don't know. I can't decide.

Fine, let's put it into
a context you'll understand.

You're an NFL franchise,
How do you go

about evaluating this player?

I mean, you go to the tape.
Okay.

Well, let's go
to the video tape.

Ow! Yeah, girl! Oh, shit!

Kelly's got the camera!
What's up, bitch! Ladies night!

I'm looking at this.

These are the moves
of, like, a 24-year-old.

She's got great legs.

Still a lot of tread
left on those tires.

Okay, now watch this photo op
fail here. This is crazy.

Hey, get in here. Selfie! Ow!

Wait, wait, wait,
wait. Ah...

Oh!

- Ooh!
- Oh!

- Ooh. - You see the way she cuts
that corner right there?

Explosive speed!

No fumble.

How's her ball-handling skills?

You know, a gentleman
never tells, but pretty secure.

- Yeah, let's look at it again.
- Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hmm! Well...
Oh!

When was this taken? In college?

This is three weeks ago.

Wow! Really?
Pete, she's pretty spry.

Yeah, I mean, I don't see any
signs of slowing down, either.

She could be the rare exception.

You got to sign her.
Make a commitment.

This is what your program needs.

I know, I just... I feel like
I need a little bit more intel.

Oh, please!
God, what do you need, man?

Just do it!
Oh, for instance,

she's having lunch downtown

with her best friend tomorrow.

Fine. I know someone
with a little more time

on their hands than us;
he can do

some scouting for us.

Taco.
Taco.

Taco.

We literally just said that.
Together.

When?
You're zoning out again.

What?

Andre!
Miss Barber.

Brittany.
Uh, I'm here

to give you your chest exam,
so, um, let's get to it.

Why are you wearing that mask?

This is to, you know...
It's-it's standard.

Will you take off the mask?

Take it off. Oh, sure.

So... what do you think?
Whoa!

Oh, wow! I was, um...

As you can tell,
they're inverted.

I didn't exp...
I wasn't expec...

I wasn't expecting, um...
Wow, they're...

Inverted nipples. I know.

I'm so embarrassed. This is why
I-I wanted to come to a friend.

No, no need to be embarrassed.

Um, you...
Would you please examine them?

I want to make sure

that I can look normal in,
like, a tight sweater.

And I want to be able
to make love with the lights on,

to be able to sit on top.

Well, um...

uh, I have seen...

everything I need to see,
and I think we are good.

Do you want me to come to you?

Or are you gonna come over here
and examine me?

Okay, all right, so...
Okay so...

Describe the problem.

They're different.
They're-they're...

This one is completely shy.

It does not come out to play whatsoever.
Mm.

Okay, I think...
Wow. Okay.

The left one, on the other hand,

will come out to play
if it's stimulated,

like, orally, or,

like, in a hot shower.
Hot shower.

Or if it's, like, rubbing
up against a really

soft kind of sweater.
Okay, okay. E...

Or there was this one time
with honey.

All right. I got it.
I've-I've-I've seen

everything that I need to see.
Actually,

I'm really paranoid
about breast cancer,

so I was hoping
you could do an exam.

Well, I'm not really
qualified, you know.

Andre, you feel tits
all the time.

This is no big deal.
Okay.

Okay. Yup.

You missed. Come here.
Okay.

All right, so, I feel like,

if you cup it, if you really cup it,
Yeah.

and get your hands
all the way around,

All right.
and move it back and forth,

up and down, all around.

Okay.
Here, if I make a circle

with it, see?
Mm.

You feel that?
Mm-hmm, I feel it.

Oh!

Look who came out to play!
Okay, no, that is, um...

That's fine. That's fine. Um...
Really?

You're being a hypochondriac, so...
Whew!

Great examination, and I...
Oh, wait, one more thing.

Since we're such good friends,

do you mind checking out...

down there?
What? Whoa! Uh, I got...

I have to talk to my banker.
No, Andre, don't open the door!

We were out too late last night.

Why didn't we leave sooner?
We need a safe word.

We have a safe word.
We do?

Yeah, it's "White Castle."

I thought you just
wanted White Castle.

I did want White Castle but...

Can't see.
and we get some White Castle, so that's why...

Ah. That's better.

Okay, White Castle it is.

How are you feeling about it?

I'm excited to turn 30.

You're excited to turn 30?
Mm-hmm.

You've been complaining
about it for weeks.

That was the old Libby.

I am making some changes.
I am really looking forward to...

Hah! Tickle me and rub my bell.

Why, hello there.

Hey, you need to go.

Why?
Because I was here first.

But I need to stay, my brother.

What? Your brother?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I wasn't saying that
because of, uh...

Are you black under there?

Mm-hmm.
Let me see.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay, I'm not black!

I knew it. Look, hey,

why are you encroaching
on our turf, man?

Hey, I'm just minding
my own business,

spying on that girl over there.

Well, look, if I catch
you around here anymore,

it's not gonna end well for you, dude.
Well, I...

I'll drop your ass
like Stephen Douglas.

Okay, okay!
I'm leaving! I'm leaving!

Hey, Dumbo,
your friends are dicks!

Aah!

The statue moved!

MacArthur.
Oh!

My wife!

Shut up!
Look at her. Okay.

I've got this problem
with my kid's birthday party.

My Mr. McJiblets guy cancelled.

I tried to find a replacement.
They're all booked solid.

Your brother-- does he still
have the Mr. McJiblets suit?

Yes.
Okay.

Do you think
he could do the party?

It's at this kids' gym downtown.

If he could it,
that would be a life saver.

Yes! Yes, of course!

Good.

I just, like... I like to laugh.

I laugh a lot about nothing.

Make it happen.
Yup!

So, I'm sorry, Pete, I
wasn't able to discover much.

However, I did manage
to draw this sketch.

It's probably not 100% accurate.

I drew it from memory.

And you remember
a large tank there?

Oh! I don't know
if this is useful,

but I did manage to get
a urine sample from myself.

Well, looks like
my work is done here, gentlemen.

Sure you don't want
the urine sample?

I'm good.
Okay.

Hey, you forgot your sketch.

Yes.

Oh, don't forget we have
Lipscombe's kid's party

on Saturday, all right?
We'll carpool.

Fine. I'll do it, but just know
that that's beneath me.

It's not a job
in the financial sector.

I can't do it. I have been
having sexual thoughts

about Brittany. I don't know
what to do. I need help.

Are you asking me to
be your yank banker?

You're dressed for it.

Yeah, if you can help me,
then, yes.

Well, here's
your problem, Andre.

You've got comingled accounts.

Right.
As your ya

I strongly urge you
to be in compliance

with the Glass-Steagall
Act of yanking.

Freeze all activity
on these accounts

until we can clear the books.

But she's a patient.
I have to operate.

No, Andre, you have to stop.
You can't operate.

You can't see her anymore.

You hear me? Or else I'm
not gonna be able to ensure

your yank account
with EBDBBnB FDIC.

FDIC?

Yeah, forbid dick and...

Forget it! Sorry, forget it.

Taco, What you don't realize is
that she's a friend, and...

Andre! You have to stop this
little Ponzi scheme right now,

or else you're gonna
be left with nothing.

You won't be able to operate,

and you won't be
able to masturbate.

Mark my words, she
will yankrupt you.

Yankrupt.
Yeah. And feel free

to call me any time of day.

I work yankers hours,

but, for you, I'll be avail 24/7.
Thank you.

Taco, you're getting
hair in our food.

It's not my hair.
Whose hair is purple?

Check the cooks.

The party's at

a kids' gym
around here somewhere,

but I'm not exactly sure where.

Yes, I'll hold.

Who are you on the phone with?

It's Andre's service.

I'm really worried.
He hasn't called me back.

Oh, that's usually a good thing.
Yes, hi.

I really need to talk to him.

I'm, uh... I'm a
patient of his.

Yeah, he performed my...
penile... sharpening.

Sharpening?
I don't know.

What is wrong with you?

What do you mean,
he's in surgery?

No, no, no, no, no!
That's impossible! Shit!

Listen, brother, I got to go.

What?
I can't do this.

No! You don't have to go!

What are you wearing?

A yank banker always
comes prepared!

- Taco, you have to come to this
party with me, in this outfit! - No, no, no...

I'm sorry, I can't help you!
No, you can help me!

I'm coming, Andre!

Help me, Taco, please!

Taco, get back here! Taco!

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Excuse me, do you know
where this building is?

I'm looking
for a birthday party.

Excuse me, ma'am, I'm looking
for this child's birthday party.

Do you know where
this building is?

I'm looking for this child's
birthday party.

Do you know where
this address is? No? No?

Oh, hey, guys, I'm looking for
this kid's birthday party.

Can you help me? Whoa!

I thought we told you
to get the hell out of here!

Looks like somebody
forgot their history lesson.

Guys, I don't know what
you're talking about here, okay?

Just take it easy, brother.

Brother? Oh, hell, no!
What?

He just called me brother!
Uh-oh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Hey! Where you going?
Oh, God! Oh, God!

Sic semper tyrannis!
Lincoln, no!

Get back here!
Oh, help!

Help!

Good to see you!

Order my shots!
Hey, girl!

How are you?
Happy birthday!

Oh, sorry. Excuse me.

Thanks for coming!
Ooh. Nice move.

Ladies, to dirty 30!
Ah.

Total package.

Hey, Libby.

Hi!
How's it going?

Oh, I'm so happy you came!
Happy birthday!

Thank you!
So,

things have been
really great between us.

Yeah.
But I've been thinking,

what if we entered
into a more long-term deal?

I got you this,

and I'm hoping we can have
a great year together.

Oh, that's really
pretty. Keep it?

- Okay. - Look, turning 30 has got
me doing some thinking,

and you're right,
we have fun together.

We have a lot of fun together.

Yeah.
And you don't want to be serious with me.

Put that away. I don't
want to be serious with you,

and when I am ready
to be serious,

I want it to be with someone
I can go... all the way with.

Got it, and you're not sure
I'm the guy

who's gonna be able
to get you that ring.

You're not sure.

Uh, that's fair.
All right, so what is this then?

Free agency?

Free agency. Yeah, I can
get on board with that.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Well, let's drink
to that. Shot?

Fair enough.
Okay.

Why are you chasing me? Help!

How dare you!
Oh, God! Oh, God!

One more, please!

Somebody help me!
Help! Help!

You son of a bitch!
I'll... Aah!

Leave me alone!

- Huh?
- Please!

Help!

Oh! Ford's Theatre!

- Ooh!
- Oh! Ow! Aah!

Are you okay?

My knee!

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry, Libby.
I think I blew her knee out!

And that's kind of why you sign a
guaranteed contract.

I might take this
offer off the table.

Okay, Brittany, we're just gonna
make two small incisions

right there.
I'm so glad it's you doing this.

I don't think I'd be able
to trust anyone else.

I just want you to know, I'm
gonna do the best job possible

because I have
such strong feelings for you.

Excuse me?

I want you to feel as beautiful

as I think you look.

Are you hitting on me right now?

No, I'm not just hitting on you.

It-it's more than that.
You see it's, uh...

Did you just draw a heart on me?
Yeah.

'Cause I heart you.

Ew! Why do you think this
is appropriate to do right now?

It's romantic!
You know, it's

the story that we're gonna
tell our kids, and...

No! no, no, no, no, no!

Get me out of here!
This is unprofessional...

Okay, I might have
misrepresented myself, right?

I don't want to...

Put your mask back on!
I don't want to put the mask back on.

I've been wearing a mask
since college, okay?

And I don't want
to do it anymore!

I want my work bank and
my yank bank to merge.

You are the first customer

at the First United Bank
of Work and Yank,

and your free gift is a hug.

Ew!

Don't touch me!
Get away from me!

I want to get out of here!

Okay, okay, just,
let's forget about it.

And I'm sorry,
and we can just...

No, you are not going to hit
on me, and then knock me out!

No, thank you, Dr. Huxtable!

Forget it.
I just meant that...

Everybody, put your hands up!
This is a yank robbery!

Taco?!

Step away from the breasts,
Andre. Don't be a hero.

I'm in the middle
of an operation!

I can't let you operate
on somebody

you just masturbated to!

What?!
I'm so sorry.

You! Unplug her I.V.,
and no one gets hurt.

Oh, thank God.
Please, get me out of here.

How can you be a yank robber and
a yank banker at the same time?

It's an inside job!

I never want to see you again!
I am suing for malpractice!

Hey, do you have money for parking?
Sure.

Okay, great.
I'm Brittany.

I'm Taco. Nice to meet you.

I'm yankrupt.