The League (2009–2015): Season 7, Episode 7 - Trophy Kevin - full transcript

Hey, you know, we missed
watching the games

with you last week.
Yeah, we had Ellie's stupid soccer game.

You know what, though?
Next, week, last week.

Oh, my God!
We're done. Oh, peaches.

Hey, where's Pete been?

Oh, he's been, you know,
really busy with his ref stuff.

You got to put the hours in.

Oh, man, he loves
those ref buddies.

Ref buddies? No, they're just...
they're work friends, okay?

Like someone you have lunch
with in your office

instead of eating alone,
that's all.



Well, all I know is, he's AWOL,
Ruxin's in Puerto Rico,

so while the cat's away,
the mice will play.

Don't say that, Andre!
Especially while holding

a thick cucumber.
This?

Stop it!
Wow. Look at this place.

Everywhere you look,
there's a super hot lady.

This it like the new bar,

but you don't have to,
like, go up to somebody

with an opening line.

You just kind of ask a woman
about fruits and vegetables.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

Watch and learn.

So, can I ask your
opinion about something?

Oh, what did I miss?
Not much yet.



This cucumber seems
great 'cause it's,

you know, it's long and skinny.

But then this one--
I don't know--

maybe it's more fulfilling

'cause it's, like,
kind of short and squat.

Which one would satisfy
you-- tall and skinny,

or short and squat?

You are seriously
such a pervert.

Did you get laid?

Eh. She's probably
an eggplant gal.

See...

Meegan was great, right?

But that sophisticated city
person isn't right for me.

I need someone a little bit more
country, you know, so I joined

So cute, right?

They even have an app, like a
Tinder app, called "Firmer."

I don't think that's the way
it's pronounced.

Plus, you've heard
all those stories

about the farmer's daughter.

Andre, those aren't stories.
They're jokes.

That's like saying, "Have you
heard the story about the guy

who keeps knock-knocking
on peoples' doors?"

I have heard those stories,

and I'm always surprised
by who's there.

"By farmers, for farmers."

Uh, which one are you?

That is a problem, yes.
Yes, what are you gonna do about that?

I got to figure out
how to get a farm.

I have a farm.

Taco, growing marijuana

on your windowsill
is not a farm.

No, that's how it started out.

I was growing my own weed
at the EBDB B&B.

But I had to keep going
to the store to get my munchies,

so I just started
growing my own munchies.

So, the EBDB B&B is a
fully-functioning farm?

Yeah. As you can imagine,
the soil there is quite fertile.

No, no thank you.
Ew.

Yeah, just keep dumping loads...

Okay. It's enough.
No. No, thank you.

I-I can't do this. I cannot!

Do you have to sit
this close to me?!

I'm like Beetlejuice.

Say my name three times,
and I just show up.

No one even said it once, Andre!

Oh! Caught you!

Whoa! Jesus!
What is that, man?

- Meet the Taco drone.
- Taco.

Taco!

No, no, no!
Come on! Just put

- some chips in the basket.
- Come in here and

get it yourself!

Just put the chips on the drone.

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with me?!
What's wrong with you?!

No! No, no!

No flying this in our house.

What?!
What? Why do you even have it?

It's the newest

exclusive benefit
for EBDB Prime members.

I got to stay competitive.

And your competitors are who?

I mean, who isn't a competitor?

Wall Street, big oil,
little oil.

Little oil?

It's a guy I know.
He siphons gasoline

out of parted cars and sells it
on the side of the road.

Does he have a drone?

Well, right now,
he has a screwdriver,

a hose and a bucket, but a
drone cannot be far behind.

The guy's an innovator.

The best part of
this whole thing--

when EBDB Prime members aren't
using it, I get to use it,

and it helps with tedious tasks
that I never want to do.

Like watch TV with you guys.

Come on, Flying Taco,
let's go chop up some kites.

Taco, is this safe?
Whoa!

Is that safe?

I mean, he's gonna
kill someone, right?

How do we know he hasn't?

- Hey, guys.
- Pete!

Hey! Pete likes beer.

Jenny, can you get me and Pete
a beer, please?

No, you get him a beer.

Uh, no. Yeah,
I was actually just

coming to get my jacket.
I gotta run.

Oh!
Just wanted to say hi.

Okay, where you...
where you heading off to?

Oh, uh, I was gonna go to
a movie with my ref buddy.

That... Cool.

You guys are hanging out when
you're not working. That's cool.

Yeah.

Just like the way we do.
Oh, God.

Best friends forever, right?

Get off of me, please.

- Yeah.
- Hey, man.

This is, uh, Jenny, it's Andre.

Hey.
Hey. Hey, I'm Kevin.

Hey. I'm Kevin.

Kevin.
Kevin.

Well, Pete
calls me "Kev."

Pete calls me "Kev."

Does he?

Uh, anyway,
we should get, uh, cranking.

Okay. Yeah.

Um, do you... you want
to grab a beer

or something after the movie?

We don't know how
long the movie is.

Yeah, there's, like,
trailers and stuff.

Could be complicated, but, um...
Oh, yeah, no.

We'll catch up soon.
We'll-we'll see... Yeah...

Yeah, no, it's...
it's complicated.

Whoa. Whoa. Miss that. Oh.
Come on.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Ready to do this?
Yeah.

Nice to meet you guys.

You, too, Kevin.

Well, looks like
someone's got a type.

His name's Kevin,
your name's Kevin.

He's younger than you,
he's more fun.

He's very pretty.

It's like Pete got his own
trophy Kevin.

There's no trophy Kevin!

Ah, don't worry about it, buddy.

It's you and me forever now.

And when we play dick chicken,
I'm going to let you win.

Andre, just stop. Stop!
What?

Okay, fine. Well, I'm just
here with my bros and my hos.

Ugh! Okay.
Oh, God!

What? My bros and hos!

Thank you so much for waiting.

Room 17 is finally occupied,
so feel free

to let yourselves in
and join the orgy.

Howdy, partner.

Why you talking
with an Asian accent?

It's not Asian. I'm a cowboy.
Supposed to be a farmer.

What's the difference?
There's cows on farms.

No, not on this farm.

There's a pony somewhere,
but I keep losing him.

Think he's in the
bedroom upstairs.

Well, why don't we wrestle up
some of them varmints

and then check out that firm?

Okay, I'll show you, but
then you're gonna have to go,

'cause you're gonna
creep everyone out.

This is your farm?
Yup.

Pretty cool, huh?

It's a little small.

Yeah, I've been experimenting
with cross-breeding crops

and trying to
create my own strain

of EBDB B&B F&V THC.

Wait, wait. F&V?

Fruit and vegetable.

Trying to create a
corn-scented weed.

I'm also trying to grow
an entire salad's worth

of vegetables on a single cob,

a "cob salad," if you will.

Great, great.

Well, anyway, you got that.

I just need to make
a couple quick pictures

I'm putting you to
work, young man.

I need you to till the soil,

pull the weeds,

and if I catch you
smoking any of my corn,

you're in big trouble!

I'm gonna go have sex
with someone. Wait up!

How'd it go?
We won.

Oh, that's great, honey.

Awesome! Good job!
Thanks.

You earned yourself a Popsicle.
Go get it.

Awesome.
Nice! Chow down.

They won.
We lost.

- Why? - Because if they win one more
game, they go to the play-offs.

Play-offs?! Play-offs?

Yes. Jim Mora play-offs
in Decatur.

Decatur?!
That means four more Sundays

of carpooling back and forth
to Decatur and no football.

Sounds like hell.
It's a nightmare scenario.

Oh. Well, I just stopped by
to use the bathroom,

freshen up, I'm on my way
out the door.

Ah, you got a nice tapas date
with your best buddy Andre?

No.
No?

I'm actually
meeting up with Pete.

Oh, Trophy Kevin have
a detention after school?

Very funny. If Andre calls, do
not tell him where I am, please.

That's a real love triangle.

Foul.

Whoa-hoa-hoa,
good call! Whoo!

Which one is yours?

Right there.

The tall kid by the ref?

No. Just the ref.

All right.

Game over!
Yeah-heah!

Everybody shake hands,

pretend like
you like each other.

It's like we've been
doing this for years together.

I know. Awesome, man.

On point.
That's my Kevin!

Crazy.
Hey, Pete!

What's up? Sweet no-call
at the end of the game.

Really good discipline.
Hey, Kevin.

Kevin.
Kev.

Kev.

Uh, what's going on?

What are you doing here?

Oh. I was in the neighborhood,

and I just figured we'd grab
a drink after the game.

An adult alcoholic beverage.

Uh, yeah, I mean,
it sounds great.

Uh, we have the court
for another hour.

We were gonna play.

Ref pickup game.
Yeah. Oh.

Great.
No, I'll play. I'm in.

Let's do it.

You gonna play in that?
Sure.

All right.
Let's do it.

Let's do this.
Let's do it. Here we go.

Oh... Ow.

Taco, this one
just kind of fell out.

Put it back in!

And while you're at it,
try to grow some opium.

W-With this?

Uh-huh.

It's a poppy seed bagel.

Yeah. You got a lot
of bagel scraping to do.

I want you working till sundown.

See ya.

See how I'm doing on Farmer.

Ooh. I got a love sprout.

"Want to meet up?"

Yes, I do.

All right.

Where do you think
you're going?

I-I got a date-- you know,
so I have to go home and...

shower and put on my,
uh, fancy overalls.

Uh-uh. Did you plant
the opium yet?

Look, I can't grow opium

from a poppy seed bagel, okay?
I'll be back later.

No, no, no, no.
You're staying right here.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay!

There's still sowing to be done.

Or maybe it's reaping.
Fine.

I can never tell.
Selfie with a drone?

No. Selfies are lame.

Oh, gee-- all right, all right,
all right! All right!

All right, I'm gonna go
have drone sex. Later.

All right, game on.

We really doing a tip-off
for a pickup game?

Yeah, refs like to do it
by the book.

Wait. Wait.
I don't know who's...

- Right. - Are you up? Wait a minute. Hold
on. I don't know who I have.

All right? Are you on my team?
Hold on. Get it. Get it.

Foul. Handshake. Suit.

Who had a foul?
Take it. You'll get used to it. It's okay.

Not on my watch.

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh, yeah!

Kev!

Oh, that tasted good.

What tasted good?
What was good about that?

You should probably do shirts and skins,

obviously, because...

What? Oh.
Lane violation, man. Stay on the line.

Stripes!
Stripes! Pete!

Pete, Pete.
I'm not on your team, man.

Go!

What could that possibly be for?

Shot clock violation.

Oh, no way.

Are you on my team?!

Come on, this way.
Oh!

What? Oh...!

Hand check.

Bullshit! You know what?

You've been riding me this whole ga--

Come on, man, you can't do that.

Are you kidding me? You didn't
even see what I said to him.

I told him it was a great call.

Wait, I thought
you were on my team.

Who blew it?

Curly hair, did you blow it?
Somebody blew that whistle!

Everyone's got...

- This is...Everyone has a whistle!
- Okay, okay, Kev...

What? I want a whistle!

Everyone has a whistle.

I want a whistle.
This is a pickup game.

You know, again, I'm so
sorry about the other night.

I just got caught in some farm stuff.
Farm stuff?

Yeah, you know, when Mother
Nature wants your hands

inside of her,
you can't exactly say no.

Right?
Right, right.

Well, what does she give you?
What do you grow on your farm?

All-all the cash crops.

"Tobacky," uh, indigo...

Indigo?
And it's all heirloom now.

Heirloom... cucumbers,
heirloom radishes.

Heirloom radishes?

I mean, everything's heirloom.

It's kind of like the perfect
mix of farming and antiquing.

So, what's your secret?

Well, I only use my hands.

You have no machines
on your farm?

My pappy used to say, uh,
"Farmin's a real hand job.

"You got to...
you got to stroke the land,

and plant your seed
and watch it sprout."

You know,
and shuck yourself to sleep.

You know, I would love to see
this farm of yours, Andre.

Well, is that a date?

I think it is a date, yeah.

Okay, well, my farm or yours?

Yours!

I would love to see this
heirloom hand-job farm.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yee-haw.

And she actually

thinks you are a farmer?

Lest you forget, Jenny--
I'm a boyfriend chameleon.

Whatever my girlfriend is, I am.

The only problem is,
I can't produce a farm.

Just take her to Taco's.

Yeah. Come on down
to the EBDB B&B Farm,

where you can catch hay fever
or an STD.

What's up, guys?

Hello.

Haven't seen you in a while.

But we have been

doing just fine.
Get off me.

Well, you won't have
to miss me this weekend,

because I'm actually gonna be
reffing Ellie's soccer game.

Really!
Really? Really?

Why do you care?
I don't know.

I'm just trying
to stay in the mix.

Really?

This team she's playing--
are they any good?

Well, they actually
lead the league

in goals scored...
Great.

...on themselves.
They are

the worst soccer team
I have ever seen.

Actually, Kev and I were just
talking about it.

It was so funny.
We were?

Oh, no, Ref Kev.

Yeah. Um...
Oh. Oh.

I'm gonna grab a beer.

Might wet my whistle.

Little inside ref joke.

Wow.

Looks like Trophy Kevin's taking
your sport, Starter Kevin.

It's not funny!

How would you feel if I started
hanging out with a trophy Jenny?

I am Trophy Jenny.

Oh.
I'm gonna get a beer.

That joke really backfired.

Want to talk about it?
No.

Yeah.

All right.

So that team Ellie's playing
is really bad, huh?

Yeah, they're terrible.

It's gonna be a cakewalk for
you guys. Don't worry about it.

What if certain circumstances
were to arise

that made a win easy
for the other team?

Are you insinuating that
I should throw the game

so that your
daughter's team loses?

Come on, it is four more weeks
of soccer, Pete, in Decatur!

That is four more perfectly good
football Sundays ruined.

For what?

Sportsmanship,
the art of winning.

Something a McAsterisk
should probably learn.

I am shocked.

I am a man of integrity, Jenny!

No, you're not!
I am when it comes to this.

Oh, 12-year-old girls' soccer--
that's your line in the sand?

I took an oath when
I became a referee.

You did not.
You filled out a form,

you went to Foot Locker
and bought a striped shirt.

It was a three-pack,

and these cotton-poly blends
mean something to me.

And I will not be sullied
by your dirty plan.

Soccer is the dirtiest sport
in the world.

Everyone in soccer is dirty!
Come on!

And now, I am recusing myself
as referee of Ellie's game.

Oh, my God.

And you can keep
your blood beer.

Actually, it's not the
delicious beer's fault.

You have no morals.

Goddamn it, Pete! Aah!

Okay, come on! Come on, people!
Let's go! Let's move it!

Remember, we're making a farm.
Great. I love the wheelbarrow.

Very broken, very rustic.

Where do you want
these vintage milk bottles?

Right here, but they need
to be full of expressed milk.

Well, then, you should probably
get a cow.

If I had a cow,
I would show her a cow, okay?

That's where you guys come in.

We're-we're event planners.

You could do a
petting zoo, right?

Just get me a cow!
How hard is that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wh-What is that?

Hold on.
It's for your kid's birthday.

He's absolutely gonna love it.

How many times do I have
to tell you?

It's not a birthday.

This is a farm, ranch thing.

The other guy said it was a plantation.
Taco!

Not a plantation, okay?

All right, take the
sign and the cake.

And I thought we agreed
on a goat!

No.
No goat.

Well, you'll be hearing
from me on Yelp!

Taco, what is that?
It's a condom clothesline.

It's disgusting.

No, it's folksy.
Take it down.

I can't take it down.
The condoms are still wet.

You ever try
to put on a wet condom?

It's like peeling off a wet
bathing suit, but in reverse.

Okay, disgusting.
Please take away

that EBDB sign, too.
JoBeth

needs to think
this is a real farm.

What do you want me to do
with the scarecrow?

What the hell?! Taco!

I don't need
an erotic scarecrow.

Erotic? This is the least
erotic scarecrow I have.

♪ Drunk flying a drone. ♪

Taco, have you seen Jenny?

Yeah, she left
a little while ago.

She left without me? Really?

Yeah, I'm surprised it took her
this long to leave you, too.

I gotta get
to Ellie's soccer game.

Well, I'm almost there already.

Check it out.
What are you talking about?

Yeah.
Oh, shit, look at this!

Wait. Taco, don't you have to
have a proper line of sight

to be able to fly
this thing safely?

Oh, it didn't come
with a line of sight.

No...
All right, I'm gonna let it hover for a bit

until the game starts.

You want anything
out of your fridge?

No, thank you.
All right.

Oh, there's Pete.

Oh, and him.

What are they saying
to each other?

- So, in the future...
- Yeah.

- hammys before quads.
- Right, I like it.

I like it, Special K.

"Special K?"

He's never called me
"Special K."

All right, I got to take care
of something before the game,

but, uh stay out here.
Yeah, bro.

Here it comes, here it comes.
Hi.

Uh-oh.

What is this little prick up to?

Yeah, so, you know, everything
here is, uh, all natural.

You know, got our "tomaters."

Tomaters, huh?
Tomaters, yeah.

Got some, uh, "kairn."

You know.

Please say that again.

Yeah, "kairn," you know.

Corn?

Yeah, it's my-my
farmer accent.

It's intense.

May I interest you in
some, uh, "so-dee" pop?

Made right here on
the, uh... on the firm.

So you make soda here?

Yeah, just get the water
down from the crick and, uh,

put the cocoa...
oh, goddamn!

S-Sorry. There was a...
Ugh! It was an ant.

Okay, you know what? I'm just
gonna be honest with you, Andre.

Sure.

This farm doesn't feel... real.

Of course... of
course it's real.

It's just, um...
it's more of a...

like a pop-up farm.

Okay.

No farmer has hands
this soft and smooth.

It's genetics.
I mean...

With manicured nails?

Luxury item for a
hard-working man.

Why don't you shoot straight
with me, Andre?

I'm not a farmer.

I'm actually a plastic surgeon.

I only pretend to
be a farmer because

I never thought
you would like a--

I don't know--
a guy like me.

You know, some sort
of big-city big shot.

I'm sorry.
You're a plastic surgeon?

Yeah, well, actually, the number
one plastic surgeon in Chicago,

according to
Chi-Town Magazine.

because I-I didn't think
I could meet a guy like you.

Really?

Yeah. Really.

I mean, where I come from,

even horse doctors
pull a lot of tails.

Oh...
Not-not literally, of course,

'cause you'd get, like a hoof in the mouth.
Yeah.

Just figuratively. They're just
sleeping around like crazy.

I don't want a guy like that.

I want a... guy like you.

So, wait. You're not mad?

Oh, well, no,
this is... this is weird,

but it's also...

I don't know.
It's kind of sweet.

Well, if you'd like,
I can continue the tour.

Oh!
Yeah.

Well, there's more to this

mini-farm!
Oh, yes indeed.

Oh, come with me.
Okay.

Um, I hope you like
children's birthday cake.

I got eyes on you!

He's taking money.

Look, I know I said $50,
but it's gotta be $100.

And it's not gonna be
an easy game to throw.

Trophy Kevin is dirty!

You're a real scumbag.

Coming from the lady who's
paying me

to toss her daughter's game.

Well, you know what?

$90 is all I have.

All right, consider that
a first-time discount.

What kind of low-life deals
with this son of a bitch?

Nice doing business with
you, Mother of the Year.

Jenny!

Sucker. I've still got my money.

Jenny, what are you doing?!

Well, Kevin...!
What are you doing?!

I could ask you the same
question. What are you doing?

All right, listen up.

Trophy Kevin is dirty,

and I'm gonna tell Pete
right now.

No! No! No, Kevin,
you cannot tell Peter!

You cannot! Okay, I cannot do
four more weeks of soccer!

Soccer?! Talking about soccer?!

I'm sorry, Jenny. I have to tell him.
No!

Try and stop me!

All right, Kevin, no!
You get back here!

Get back here, Kevin!

Goddamn, Kevin, get back here!

Taco, how do I work this thing?

...what this son
of a bitch is up to.

No, no, no, you cancelled
your EBDB Prime subscription.

What the hell?!

Taco! Taco!
You cancelled your subscription!

Give it! Come on!
Give it to me!

Come on! It's mine!
Give it. Give it back!

Ellie!

Pete needs me!

Come on! Stop!
I need to use it!

Hey!
You're gonna get it...

Give it back!

Get the hell off my field!

Give it! Give it! Give it!

Ow!

No!

God!
Oh.

Oh, man.

I don't know why
you're so jealous of this guy.

You still have all your fingers.

Eesh.

I thought I had it.

I thought I had it.

I hope you feel better.

I want my money back.

Guys, what a heartbreaker.

I mean, we don't have a ref.

Looks like we're gonna have
to forfeit.

I think
yellow team is just gonna

chalk this one up as a loss.

Aw!

I know!

Really?

We can't finish the game.

We don't have a ref.

Actually...
we do have a ref.

Game on, girls!

Follow me!

Goddamn you, Pete!

Mm. Yeah, yeah,
that's the stuff.

Oh! Ew!
Taco! What are you doing?

This'll be great

for the Web site, Andre.
Let me get the pony.

You big city folk are freaks.

No. JoBeth, come back.

What's her deal? She single?

Goddamn it, Taco!

Andre, no! Oh, shit!