The League (2009–2015): Season 7, Episode 11 - Adios y Bienvenidos - full transcript

Another side character episode where in Dirty Randy and Rafi got to Puetro Rico to get Sofia back to the US so Ruxin can say goodbye.

All right, gentlemen,
we have on the table

a three-way trade
between Ruxin, Kevin

and the Coin.

Ruxin gives Jarvis
Landry to Kevin...

Yes.
...Kevin gives Mark Ingram

to the Coin

and to Ruxin the Coin gives...

Cam Newton.
Cam Newton.

Here we go.

And the Coin accepts those terms.
Great.

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.



Hola.

¿Qué?

I can't understand you.

Call back later, bye.

Sofia's mom.

Okay, I'll put all the details
in an e-mail

and send it to you guys,

but first, I want to make sure

that you're not gonna welch.

I don't welch on deals.

You welch, Ruxin!

You're a prodigious welcher.

That is not true.

Coin says,
"Totally true."



'Cause the Coin knows.

Thank you very much,

my good man.

He got us a reservation
at Rajasthan.

This place isn't even open yet,

and they're booked
for two months.

Yeah. By the time it's open,

Sofia will be home
and we can go out together

and celebrate
her refurbished downstairs.

Oh, I guess
we're telling people now.

Telling everyone. It's so cool.

You know, I'm still kind of pissed

that she didn't come to me, right?
What?

Hola.
'Cause she isn't creepy.

I'm not a
creep, I'm a doctor.

Would you want anyone...
I can't hear you.

Bye-bye.

All I'm saying is,
when you come to me,

I don't make a judgment
about your lifestyle,

I just support...
Oh, my God. I know.

You could always work on Jenny.

Or, if you wanted
to make Kevin really happy,

you could fix Pete's little calamari.
Okay.

I'd do it.

- What?
- No judgment.

Oh, Jesus, she's texting me now.
I'm a professional...

...really cool technology
from Japan right now...

Ruxin, where are you going?
Yeah, you left your phone.

Ruxin?

Hey, Ruxin?

Coming in, buddy.

Hey.

We tried to call you
all night last night.

Hey, how you doing?

Oh, boy.

What happened?

She went in for
her mommy makeover procedure

and she...

she never...

she never came out.

Oh, my gosh.

She was just trying
to tighten herself up for you

and she just slipped away.

What a tragedy.

I mean, she was so hot.

I'll never find anybody better.

Oh, no.

That's for sure.

I mean, look at you.

You've got those
little beady eyes

- and scowly mouth...
- Okay. All right.

Okay, man, just... be strong.

Enough.

Hey.

I know you feel
like you're alone,

but we're all here
to support you.

That's why I made you
this condolence hummus.

My own tears are mixed
in with the cumin.

You know, just leave
it out as a snack,

and when you dip
your little carrot stick in,

think of me as that hummus,

filling you up

and holding you tight
from the inside.

I don't even have
the mental wherewithal

to make a gay joke out of this.

There's so many things
I want to say to you.

Just choose one
and then shuffle on.

You know,

if Sofia came to me...

Andre, stop.

All right.

Number one in Chicago.

I'm just saying.

I got that for a reason...
Enough.

Guys, I just want
you to know that,

as stupid and misguided

as your attempts are
to make me feel better,

I really appreciate you guys
being here right now.

And I'm embarrassed to say this,

but I don't think I can
set my lineup this week.

Don't worry about that.
Oh, Ruxin, don't even think

about that right now.
No problem.

So... I guess

I'll just, like,

take a win this week and then

we can go from there next week?

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Yeah. No, do that.

Yeah.

Uh...

Did he say give him a win?

Yeah. I mean...

is that sufficient grounds
to give him a win?

Do we have to do this?

Peter!

The guy just lost his wife.

You're saying that because
you're playing him this week.

Am I?
I didn't realize...

That being said,

how many weeks would
we give him wins?

Uh, why do you ask, Jenny?
Is that because

you're playing him next week?

Guys, listen to me, okay?
This is about

taking as much crap off
Ruxin's plate as possible,

like that stupid trade

the Coin made me do
that I don't want to do

and now I'm not gonna do it.
What?

You're welching.

No, I'm thinking about

my friend whose wife just died.

Look, guys, real quick,
before he comes back,

I don't mean to be callous here,

but how certain are we
that he's not...

making this up?

Are you saying he's using
sympathy to eke out some wins?

I mean, think about it.
Wouldn't you?

To win the whole thing?
Kevin!

No. No, I would never do that.

Oh, she's gone!

Oh, Tall Guy!

Oh, she's gone.

She's in Heaven, Tall Guy.

I made some hummus.
Oh.

That looks delicious.

Yeah, it is.

I just don't think

I could have sex
with food right now.

I'm so sad.

Okay.

Oh, wait, where's Ruxin?

He's in the shower.
Shower.

He's in the shower?

Okay.

I'm coming, Ruxin!

No, no. No...
No.

I'll be right there!

We can grieve her together!

What are you
doing in here?

Do you have a boner?

It's a grief boner.

Oh...

Now, if I were you,

this is the one I would choose,

the 20-gauge
silver hammertone.

It's $990.

I'm just gonna
stop this right now

and tell you there is no body.

What do you mean,
there's no body?

Sofia's papi won't turn over

her body to me,

so we are going to have
an empty coffin.

I want a simple, wooden coffin.

All right?

Lunchtime.
What?

It's time for my sandwich
and banana.

Can we just finish this coffin...
My sandwich and banana.

We're in the middle
of something here, sir.

Lunchtime only comes once a day.

Is that a lunch box?

Good luck with your wife.

Wow.

What is going on here?

I'm sorry.

This... this whole thing's
gotta be rough.

And look,
the last time we spoke,

we talked about that trade?

Don't even worry about that.
Put that out of your mind.

No, I'm not gonna welch
on the deal.

No, you can welch.

You have carte welch privileges.

Look, I don't want
any special treatment

from you guys right now.
Okay.

You know, besides the win
that you already gave me.

I don't need anything more.
Right.

And if you see me adding or
dropping on the waiver wire,

know that I do it
with a heavy heart.

Of course.

Sorry I'm late.
You guys didn't tell me

where you were gonna go,
so I had to use the GPS tracker

I have in Brian's car.

Heard that Papi
won't let the body go.

No! Can you talk to him?

Are you kidding?

Last time we talked,

he stabbed me on the street

and left me for dead.

I just want to bury my wife.

I get it, man.

We loved her.
We want to be able

to put her into the ground
for the rest of time.

That being said,

we could bury something that was
the weight of your wife.

What do you think she is,

two German Shepherds
and a Shih Tzu?

She's lighter than that.

I would honestly say
a German Shepherd,

a Boxer and a Shih Tzu.

I feel like she's
a German Shepherd,

a Boxer and three dead cats.

How dare you?

You don't think I know

how much my wife weighs
in dead animals?

Guys, guys, she's a half
a Beethoven and a Taco Bell dog.

Let's just put it to bed.

Oh, come on, Brian!

I can't get my hands on
celebrity dogs by tomorrow!

We need to kill local dogs!

Jesus.

How am I supposed
to have a funeral with no body?

Is there anything
you can do, Rafi?

I'll talk to him.

I'll see what I can do.

But in the meantime,

I'm gonna get Sofia's weight

in dead animals just in case.

It's just so weird, right?

I know, having a casket
with no body in it?

Ooh, water.

No, it's not water...

Taco.

Mmm.
Bleh.

Tastes like pennies.

We are gathered here today
to celebrate the life

of Sofia Ruxin.

She was a caring wife

and a doting mother,

but perhaps she will
be most missed

by her husband, Rodney,

who would now like to say
a few words.

No. Stop it.

I just don't know when
to clap at these things.

Never. Never clap at a funeral.

He's gonna give a speech.

Your friend's
wife just died.

Thanks.

Everyone calls me Ruxin.

Except Sofia.

She could call me Rodney.

And I let her because
she was... so hot.

He's right, she was fine.

And she was so beautiful,
this is such a tragedy.

The very first time
that she had any work done...

Oh, please, that girl has
been to "Puerto Rico" before.

It was the first time, okay?

But I don't want to focus
on that right now.

I want to focus
on the better times,

the times I spent
in love with my wife.

Love... is a journey.

Wow.
Love is a battlefield.

And I want to ride it
This just puts everything in perspective.

all night long.
Oh, sweetheart.

It's gonna be all right.

No, it's not, I...

I can't go through
with the trade.

What?
I can't.

Nothing inside me says to do it.

I have to just...

Kevin, you have to.

What are you doing?
It doesn't matter.

I'm not trading with him.

It's over.

Love is, uh...

Love has been rejected?

Why would you reject love?!

Huh?!

Everybody works so hard
on getting love to happen,

and then you reject it.

Why have you rejected love?!

God, why...?!

Why has everything forsaken me?!

Why is my life so much harder
than everybody else's?!

Why have you cheated me
this way, God?!

Hey, buddy.

Hey, everything's
gonna be all right.

Hey, sexy, get him out of here.

Some pretty intense words,

spoken by my brother-in-law
and third best friend,

whose name I just
found out is Rodney.

Sofia was...

Why?
in many ways, my better half.

Why would you do this to me?

I didn't feel good about it.

I prepared some words...
to say...

on this occasion.

This is harder than
I thought it was gonna be.

For those of you who don't
know me, I'm Rafi, I'm the...

Stop it.
What? What?

Thank you, Andre.

See, he appreciated it.

I'm the, uh, brother-lover
of the deceased.

None of us are prepared
for this kind of loss,

the loss of someone
so young, so beautiful,

so tender and supple.

When I realized
she was really dead

and that she wasn't gonna
come back as, uh, a zombie

or something cool like that,

I was devastated.

I was struggling
to keep my head above water.

So I reached out to the smartest
man I've ever met,

'cause I knew he would
know what to do--

Dirty Randy.

Randy.

Yo, Raf.
Hey.

What's happening, man?

Bad news.

Are these bees not bugging you at all?
No.

Bees only sting women
on their periods.

Everybody knows that.

What are you doing here?

Dude, I need your help
finding my sister.

Anywhere, anytime.

She's dead, man.
Okay.

I assume this means you killed
her while making love to her.

Don't worry, I got my Robert
Durst go-bag ready to go.

No, no, we don't...
Let's do this!

We don't need Bobby D's bag, okay?
Let's move, move, move. Are you sure?

She died in Puerto Rico.

I wasn't even
in the country, man.

Weird.

We don't have to cut her up into
tiny pieces like we planned.

Okay, good, but I have the saw.
Awesome.

I did not pay Robert Durst
$90 for that go-bag...

and not negotiate a saw.

Okay, so what do we do?

First things first, man,

we need to get her body
back to Chicago.

And if we need to get her soul
back from the netherworld,

I know a really good
necromancer.

So this is the plan.
Yeah.

We're gonna go to Puerto Rico,

we're gonna get her body,
bring it back to Chicago,

so she can be buried
by the man she loves.

And also her husband,
Rodney Ruxin.

Whoa, whoa, she was married?
Yes.

Man, I said some incredibly
inappropriate things to her.

And her husband was Jewish.

What?!
I know.

I heard they chew
on your shoelaces.

Uh, I think that's goats.

Okay, good. Okay.
Yeah.

Hey, check this out.

Oh, my God.

What is that?

Bee pubes, bro.

Dude, that's amazing.

I know, right?

It's a pubic bee beard.

It's a pubic beard of bees.

Touché.

How does it feel?

It feels like when I had
crabs, only bigger.

A few of them are crawling
into your pee hole, I think.

I bet I can fit, like,
12 bees in my urethra.

I bet I can fit 14 in mine.

So let me ask you,
brother, are you in?

Looks like Randy and Rafi
are going to Puerto Rico

to steal a lady's corpse.

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Oh, hang on, I got the smoker.

I'll calm 'em down.

No, no, no!
That's steamed bath salts.

That will only make them more
angry and cannibalistic.

Oh, no, why am I not stopping?!

Stop pumping it!

Why do I keep pumping it?!

Aah!

Yeah!
Get out of here!

Bees, follow us!

Dude, this is
the best way to travel.

This is fully better
than a regular seat on United.

Oh, yeah.
So when's the last time you were home?

It's been a while.

My old man and I, we...

we never saw eye-to-eye.

Hey, Sofia, grab the duck.

I dare you.

I dare you to grab the duck.

Get out!
Aah!

You disgust me.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, Papi, no, ow.

This is called daggering, Sofia.

Rafi, ven aquí!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, Papi, no, ow.

Your dad sounds like a real
shit-covered dick hole.

No, he's not that cool.

He's a big shot
down here, though.

He's got San Juan wired.

The call him
the generalissimo, dude.

Whoa, your dad's a general?

Well, sort of.

He's a general manager
of a drug store.

What?! That's
even cooler!

I know!

You can't buy ice in this town

without talking to my dad.

Cool!

There she is.

Puerto Rico.

Hey, man, we're about to land.

Okay, we'd better jump, then.

I'm just glad to finally be safe

and out of the U.S.A.

Hang on, what now?

Oh, I'm currently wanted
in the States for tons of shit,

looked at a list
of all the countries

U.S. has extradition
treaties with--

Puerto Rico, not on in!

Oh, no, Puerto Rico is
part of the United States.

Just like Viet-Guam.

No, if that was true,

then Puerto Ricans
would be Americans,

and I would be a racist.

You know what,
we're wasting time.

We got to find my sister.

Okay, how do we do this?

First we find this piece of
shit doctor that killed her.

Oh, he looks exactly
like a piece of shit.

I'm gonna be honest, I couldn't
find a picture of the doctor,

so I took a picture
of my shit in scrubs.

Where'd you find those
little tiny scrubs?

Oh. No, that's
a four-foot shit.

Whoa!
Those are my shoes it's wearing.

Oh.
That old lady sitting

next to it at the bus stop is for scale.
That's awesome.

Need
some help?

Oh, whoa, oh,
what are you doing?

You're the guy
that crushed my hand.

And now I'm the guy that's
crushing your dick.

You tell us what happened to my sister,

or I swear to God, I will
break your dick off!

You think we won't do it?!

We've broken the dicks
off of people we like!

As a compliment!

What did you do with
Sofia, you sicko?!

Tell us!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Uh, the Puerto Rican Vicodin,

it didn't mix well
with the horse tranquilizers.

You gave horse tranquilizers
to my sister?!

No, no, that's
what I was taking.

Whoa, metal hand.

You're like the guy
from Game of Thrones!

Why aren't you in Westeros
burying Stannis Baratheon?

Hey! I'm a season
behind, okay?

No spoilers.

Stannis Baratheon is dead.

Oh no, how's
Jon Snow taking that?

Oh, buddy.

I got to pee.

Can you just let me go, please?

It's really starting to back up.

I'll let go of your dick,

as soon as you tell us
where you put my sister.

Is she in Casterly Rock?!

I put her in the morgue.

Aha, the morgue.

Randy, we need to find
out what a morgue is

and get there.

House Lannister is the worst.

Yeah, the worst!

Now I'm gonna need
a metal penis.

If you get a metal penis,
I will make you a movie star.

Randy, let's go!

That's the fifth time
that's happened this month.

Okay, well, how are we gonna get
her body out of the morgue?

They're not gonna let us
into a place like that.

Don't worry,
I'll take care of this.

Two more overdoses.

Ugh, these guys have been
dead for a while.

I told you,
if we took enough drugs,

we could successfully
mimic death!

Oh, dude,
you were totally right.

I owe you five bees.

Only problem is, uh,

I think they started
to do an autopsy on me.

Dude.

Look, you can see my heart!

- Oh, cool.
- I'm touching it.

Do it again.

Poke.

Okay, we gotta stop messing
around with my heart.

Okay, let's open these drawers
until we find Sofia.

Come on, let's go!

Ooh, sexy dead bodies.

Ooh, hello, dead boobs.

This one's burned up.

This guy's dick is huge.

Oh, what, really?
Let's see.

Look at this hog.
Oh, man!

Floppa-floppa-
floppa-floppa.

I could do this all night.

But we gotta find Sofia.

She is not here.

And you should not
be here either.

Papi.
I am no longer your papi, you animal.

How'd you even know we were here?

Because a doctor told me
that you attacked his penis.

Yeah, that's not wrong.

You did the same thing
when you were born.

What is it with you
and doctors' penises?

They seem arrogant.

Anyway, my darling Sofia's body

is being prepared
for her proper funeral.

No. She should be buried
in Chicago,

near her husband.

Dad, he's Jewish,

and it's customary
for him to eat her heart.

He'll go to hell if he doesn't.

She is staying here.

And now, so will you,

in a Puerto Rican prison.

What's that?

It's a prison. In Puerto Rico.

What?

You can't do that.
You can't arrest us.

I mean, we haven't even
committed a crime.

Oh, no?

This guy here,
Mr. Floppy,

you are wanted in Illinois

for crimes of video piracy,

bestiality

and perverting a minor animal.

That copy of 50 Shades of Grey
videotaped itself,

I did not have sex with that cat
and if I did,

she told me she was 18!
Yeah!

And there is no
extradition here!

This is still the United States.

Why didn't you tell me that?

Dude, I did...
No, you did not.

Oh, what are you talking...
No, you did not!

Dude, this is what
Dr. Reynolds said.

We need...
Nice meeting you, sir!

Oh, God-- oh, say hi to Mom!

All right.
How are we gonna get out here?

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Have sex with all these dead bodies!
Fire extinguishers.

Ooh, fire extinguisher.
Much better.

Yeah.
No, your idea's good, too, though.

Thank you so much.

Ready, and...

Raf, you got something
on your face!

I don't think so, I... whoa!

Oh, I think it went
through the space

where I got lobotomized before,

so I'm not feeling any of it.

It's like a brain callus.

It's like Maria Callas.

Wait a minute.

Why do I know who
Maria Callas is?

Oh, boy.

All these signs
are talking to me, Randy!

That one says "exit"!

Oh, shit, I can read!

It's like John Travolta
in Phenomenon.

Dude, I have been totally
Travolta'd here.

Awesome.

Oh, we gotta get out of here.

We gotta go! We gotta bail!
Okay.

Ow!

Wait, there's some kind
of force field.

Ah!

Just keep trying!
Okay.

Ah!
Don't change anything!

Just keep trying!
Ah!

Puerto Rico, am I right?
Oh.

Shit!

El policía!

What?
The police.

Don't you speak Spanish?

Sure.
Deténgase.

What's that now?
Deténgase...

Run!

Into the jungle!
Welcome to the jungle!

We got fun and... whoa!

Okay, we ditched 'em.

Ooh! I call head pole!

Okay, listen.

We can hide out
in the jungle tonight.

I'll scavenge up
some second harvest.

Are you a corn guy
or a seeds guy?

Corn.

This is definitely
the safest place to...

I know, I feel
totally safe here...

Thanks, man.
Your dick broke my fall.

All right, dude,

tomorrow is a big day.

We have to find
my sister's body,

before my dad buries it,

or else we're gonna have
to spend the entire day

digging that grave up!

Oh, yeah, my back could not
handle that kind of yard work.

Do you want to...

spoon, or...

Why don't we just fork it?

Yeah, let's fork.

Yep.

Ooh, lock it in.

Yeah, interlock our balls...
Great.

There we go.

Hey, Raf?
Yeah.

Are you hard right now?

I got a bad case of lump dick.

My dick is covered
in bee stings,

so it's swollen, numb
and full of poison.

I need to talk
to your travel agent,

'cause you're having the trip
I want to have.

Good night, Rafi.

Good night, Randy.

Oh, my God.

Ran... Randy?

Dude, don't...
don't move.

It's a chupacabra!

Yeah, I know.

He's so cute, right?

Oh, my God.

I want to play with him.

Whoa, look at this!

Oh, we're wrestling.
Oh-- oh, wow.

Oh, he really locked
on to my neck there.

He's going for that jugular.

Oh, yeah, he lives off blood.

Down, boy. Down.

Oh, no, I've been training him.

"Down, boy" means
"Go for the dick."

Oh, boy!

Oh, he's really on there.

You're right.

Look at us, we fit in perfectly.

No one suspects a thing.

Now we just have
to find the body

before they light it on fire.

That Jew better be happy
when we deliver this heart.

I told him I want to watch him
eat the whole thing.

Do they knife and fork it,

or they just shove it in
with their hands?

No, they have to eat it like a hand fruit.

This is our daughter.

She's, um...
very sick.

Herpes.

She's rotten with herpes.

She has her father's herpes.

And now, to celebrate
the end of a life,

we will dance the traditional
dance of Puerto Rico.

I know what this is.

This is daggering.

Oh, that's awesome.

That's the only way
I know how to dance.

Ay!
Ay!

Yeah! Get it!

I wish I had
a male dick right now.

These Puerto Ricans
know how to funeral.

Deténgase.

Huh! There's that word again.

Somehow they saw through
our disguises!

All right,
let's get out of here.

Uh-oh.

Whoa!

Get him, Chupi!
Yes!

Down, boy!
Eat his dick!

Yeah, get that "D," Chupi!

So jealous of our
daughter right now.

We gotta get out of here.

Why is she dressed
for a wedding?

Ah, Papi probably wants her

to marry someone else
in the afterlife.

She was so bonable.

Aw... I only wish she was alive
to hear you say that.

Oh, I screamed it at her a lot.

Yeah, me, too.

Rafi!

You were always
such a disobedient child.

You are supposed to be dead!

Whoa, Dad.

Looks like we've got
a Mexican standoff.

Uh, actually,
we-we don't, technically,

'cause only he has a gun.

Okay, so maybe we have
a Puerto Rican standoff?

What is the difference

between Puerto Ricans
and Mexicans anyway?

Such a good question.

Dad, what is the difference

between Puerto Ricans
and Mexicans?

Where are we
vis-à-vis tacos and...

Cállate!

Whoa!

This is all your fault.

That gun's loaded.

Your sick perversions

scared my beautiful daughter
away from Puerto Rican men

and into the arms and tentacles

of the Jew devil!

Wow.

That is anti-Semitic.

That crosses the line.

This ends now.

I'm going to shoot
your dick off.

Weird thing for a dad
to say to his son,

but all right.

Let me help you.

Huh?

You still had
the pubic bee beard?

Yeah. They didn't
want to leave.

And I still have
six in the chamber.

Pow! Pow!
Pow! Pow!

Pow!

Why?!

Now let's get out of here!

- Get the body, quick!
- Let's go!

Quick, quick!

Use her body as a shield!

Oh! Ah! Look out!
Ah! Ah!

Not the tit!

All right,
we're gonna have to jump.

I got a better idea!

Look, she's planking.

Check it out, I'm surfing.

How are we gonna get her
back through security?

We'll just have to take
off her shoes and belt.

Bees! To me!

And so, after all that,

I brought our baby home.

Oh, my God.

Gangster.

She looks terrible.

Hi, Sofia.

And even in

her body's inevitable
melting to earth,

Sofia is making me
just rock hard.

Hey, Chupi.

Glad her mom made it

back for the funeral.

Even in grief, still got it.