The League (2009–2015): Season 7, Episode 10 - The Block - full transcript

I put in my time, paid my dues,
now I got a shot to ref

- in the big leagues.
- Really?

Community college.
Wow, Pete,

way to go. You're
really breaking through

that striped ceiling.

I got to be on my "A" game, man.

These guys don't mess around.

Gonna go practice my moves
in the mirror.

I've been noticing
that my double dribble signs

have been looking like bongos.

It's sloppy.
Gentlemen.



I've got a big
announcement to make.

Pete, you're gonna
want to stick around for this.

Agree to disagree.

Uh...
I've made a big decision.

You're gonna want to hear this.
I'm retiring

from sex due to concussions.

What are you saying?
I know

a lot of football players
are retiring

due to head trauma,
and I feel the same way

about sexual intercourse.

Why are you getting concussions during sex?
Oh, Kevin.

Your sex life is so sad.

Taco, sex is arguably

the only thing you're good at.
Trust me,



I love the game. But I got
to protect the old noggin.

What-what are you doing?
Ladies,

listen up.
I regret to inform you

that I will not be able
to have sex with you tonight.

I'm retiring from sex.

So, aside from
the occasional morning wood,

this penis shall remain flaccid.

However, if you are interested
in two minutes of missionary

or some creepy spooning with no penetration...
No.

...please feel free
to talk to my friends over here.

Get off the bar!
What is wrong with you?

What are you gonna do with
all your free time now?

Well, first things first...

I'm gonna throw
a retirement party.

Bartender, shots.

Let's celebate.

What... Celebate?

Celebrate celibacy.
You know what, Taco,

I'm proud of you.
Putting your mental health

in front of everything else.

Thank you.
Let's get wasted.

There it is.

It's just a little
mommy makeover down there

so that when I get home,
everything is extra special.

I'm not entirely comfortable
with a Puerto Rican doctor

staring at your sweet "V,"
but I don't mind the results.

It's really no big deal.

Aw, Jesuchristo.
I did it...

I did it after I had Sofia.
Mami...

Wish you'd had it sealed up
entirely before you had Rafi.

Ma, please. It's gonna feel better.
Supple, more s...

Mami, please, shh, shh.
I get it!

Mom...
I just have to make sure you know

it's gonna be tighter.

How psyched are you guys

for the series finale
of The Block?

Not at all. I don't watch that show.
Neither do I.

How can you not watch the show?
Seven years.

We have been
watching it from episode one,

back before Netflix.

Yeah, during the commercials...
Ah, ah, ah... listening to people

talk about a show
you don't watch

is like listening
to people talk about

a fantasy league you're not in.

Maybe I should start
watching this stupid show.

Now that I'm retired,
I got plenty of time.

I need to start wasting
my life away like you guys.

You're retired?
Yup.

Threw in the old come towel.
Ew.

What are you
gonna do all day, Taco?

Well, it's important to spread
the word about the dangers

of sex. Maybe my story
can help save someone else.

Dangers of sex?
You wear a condom.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't want
to kill a fly with a shotgun.

Plus, a condom's
not gonna protect you

against a cockcussion.

Okay, Les Welker.

* Womp, bam, bam,
bam-bam, bam, bow. *

Guess who got laid last night.

The guy who plays Khal Drogo?
Maybe, but I

also had my own Game of Bones.

Let's just say all the girls
came down to my King's Landing.

- Oh, God, Andre. Aw.
- Okay.

I know you're all
dying for details,

but a gentleman never tells.

Fair enough.
But fortunately for you, last night

was no night for a gentleman.

So I was hanging
with my bros, you know,

the T to the O and MacArth Vader

Andre, you are the best!

Andre, your jokes are so funny.

And I had to bid them adieu.

Guys, I got
one thing to say to you.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Oh, oh, no!
Oh!

No way.

That's not what happened at all.

Hasta le vista, baby.

you.

Schwarzenegger.
Terminator. Guys...

Yeah, choke on it.

I was too drunk to drive home,

so I called an Uber.
I slid in

and let the games begin.

I mean, The Hunger Games

parody movie, The Sex Games.

We were just having
this witty back and forth.

Oh, my gosh, I like your cap.
I got a cap.

You've got great taste in general.
Eh.

I feel like I could just
talk to you about anything.

Ah...
We're, like, on the same page.

Like, we're on the level.

You know what I mean?
Like, we're there,

together, right now.
Wait, what?

So I decided to make my move.

Let me tell you something.

"People are people."

Depeche Mode.

One thing leads to the next,
and...

Oh, God.

You totally get me.

What? What are you doing?
Come to mama.

You're mine!

We're getting sloppy.

Reason why you should
never get cloth seats...

leather. Easier to...

...clean.

Is this is a one-night stand?

Aah, aah, aah! Yes!
You bet it is, baby!

I've never done this before.
Aah!

This is so cool!

Take me from behind!
What? What?

You are like
a better-dressed,

more street-smart
Steve Harvey!

Really?
That's what I was going for!

Get in my hole!

Yes, yes!
Yes!

Yes!

Andre was on top form.

If she was rating me,
she'd give me five stars.

And I would give her four.

Wait, why would you give
her a four-star review?

I didn't like
the route she took.

I felt it was
a little circuitous.

Oh, man.

Yeah. Nice gym.

Short bursts...

About the infraction.
Long bursts...

Then it becomes about you.

Hey, new guy.

Hey. Hey, Pete Eckhart.
Dave.

Dave, nice to meet you,
Dave. Pete Eckhart.

My name's Pete.
Uh, Pete.

So...

Right on. You guys must
be big sports nuts, huh?

You guys into fantasy?

Fantasy?
Like Peter Pan?

You know what I'm really into?

Controlling
a young man's destiny

with the blow of a whistle.
In reality.

With real people.
Well,

we'll see you out there.
Okay.

Good talk,
good talking to you guys.

Wrapping it up.
Oh, man, it's gonna be amazing.

I've been waiting seven years

for the final episode of...

The Block!

Tell me about it.
Oh, my gosh...

You guys, uh, fans of The Block?

Yeah!
You like The Block?

I am the biggest fan.
I have seen every episode.

Oh, my God.
Shut up. In fact,

I was watching
before it was on Netflix.

I got all my friends into it.

Started in season one,
and then, um...

Let him know, let him know!

I don't know.
Oh!

Bam!

Right, 'cause that
guy's on The Block.

Agent Baker is my spirit animal.
He shaped, really,

my whole essence as a man.
I watched the show

all the way through three times,

and then I realized,
"What if I watch it backwards?"

- No way. - I've been going forward, looking
for Easter eggs. I didn't

think of going backwards, looking
for egg Easters. Ideally, you would

synch it up with the second half
of Dark Side of the Moon

- and Wizard of Oz playing
in the background. - Shut your hole.

What are you doing
for the finale?

Uh, you know, I was
just gonna, you know...

I know where you're watching it.

I do, too!
Here.

With us!

You're gonna share
your theories.

You've gone further
down the rabbit hole

than anyone we hang out with.

I am incredibly far
down the rabbit hole.

Oh, that Uber is quick.

Hey. I am just going to...

Hey, Andre.
Good to see you.

- Hey. - Do you want a drink? I brought
you a little champagne.

A little champers.

Uh, I don't know if I should
actually be drinking.

Cheers.
Wait.

You jus... Wait. Whoa! Hey!

Are you supposed
to be drinking and driving?

Good one.

Oh, my God, it's so
good to see you again.

Thanks for calling.
It was random,

I imagine, you know, 'cause I
just hit the button, you know...

I've been thinking so
much about what you said

last night.

I feel like we really connected.
Do you?

We did have a connection.

It was a great, intense...
one-night

connection, you know, and I...

Men are pigs.

You know that, right?

It's like, I cannot

tell you the number of men
that have picked me up

in this Uber because I'm so hot,

and they just want me for my
holes... each and every hole.

And it's like, "Buddy, my
holes are tired." You know?

We hit it off, and then,
the next thing you know,

it's, like, "Claire,
stop calling here."

"Claire, stop
talking to my wife."

"Claire, get off my lawn."

"Claire, stop picking
my kids up from school."

But I'm, like, "What about me?

I need someone to check me out
of this hospital!"

You're different.

Yeah.

Child locks.

So, if I

show up to watch the finale
with these guys,

not knowing what happened,
I'm gonna be barred

from the whole
community college ref world.

As ultimate fans of The
Block, would you guys kind of

give me a little rundown,
kind of so I can fake it?

Why?!
Why would you want to fake it?

You are missing
a cultural experience.

If it's so good, why is it
ending after seven seasons?

I don't know.
Please.

Just a small recap.

So, in a nutshell,

a futuristic noir detective show
placed in an alternate L.A.

But we see everything
through a time schism.

But you don't

find that out till season two.
You know, that's...

Yeah, so, spoiler alert.
Spoiler alert.

First of all,
I don't know what a schism is.

Second of all, spoil me.

Alert me.
Time schisms are very, very important.

I think
the whole thing's a time schism.

I think it's all going
through Agent Baker's mind.

Baker. Great.
Tell me about Baker.

Oh, he's dreamy.

He's also a total drime head.
What is drime?

- It's like a futuristic heroin.
- Yeah.

Why not call it heroin?

Because it's drime.

He's part of this agency.
It's very corrupt.

So Wonder Well Corporation

has created androids

to keep an eye
on all of these corrupt cops.

And his android is L.E.

Oh, "Ellie" like your daughter.

"L.E." Not "Ellie."
L...

She's an android.
L.E.'s a girl?

Yes, they're all flesh jobs.
It's not the point.

What's a "flesh job"?
The point is...

It's an android!
...that Baker can't have sex with an android.

But...
And I've been telling you this for years.

And you can...
No. He can have sex with L.E. Prime.

How do you tell the difference
between L.E. and L.E. Prime?

The accent.
Yeah, the accent.

It's a different accent.

Oh, of course.
I should have known.

Ruben is his boss.

He's bad, he's a really bad guy.

But he wasn't bad in season one.

Ruben is also in
with the Supplement.

Kevin, it's the Settlement.

The Settlement.
The Settlement. Sorry.

Settlement took Baker's kid
Reggie.

No! Reggie's
back with Baker.

Kevin, that was a flashback!

It was a schism within a schism.
Oh.

You can have a schism
within a schism?

Of course there can be
a schism within a schism.

Double schism.
It's the future.

You guys are the worst
show recappers ever.

This could not be
more complicated.

I don't know how we
could make it more simple.

This is great. Now I have
to watch seven seasons

of this ridiculous
television show

just so I can impress
these goddamn refs.

I mean, shit!

Sint!
Sint!

Sint.
Sint!

What is "sint?"
It's their cursing.

You know what? I got to say,
that was a pretty sinty recap.

Oh, you have a
pretty sinty attitude.

Oh, thank God I made it.
Whoa.

- Did she follow me?
- Well, if by "she," you mean

your cologne, then, yes,
she did, and she's disgusting.

My Uber driver is stalking me.

The one I had
the one-night stand with.

She's a psycho.

Right, wherever I go,
she's there.

How about just take
a different Uber?

She'd kill my rating. She's the
only one that will pick me up.

On the series
finale of The Block...

Oh.
Oh! Oh!

Look at this!
Oh, yes!

Under both our skins

is a series
of complex organisms.

What is this?

This is awesome.

Oh, sint, they're up to
their old tricks again.

The recreational device
belonging to your son?

Reggie.
That's his son!

His name is Reggie.

- Yeah, I'm a drime head.
- Oh!

Oh, God, he's hit the drime!

At least I can still feel
something.

He can feel something.

The time schism.

We need to jump
before it closes.

Where are we gonna watch
the last episode?

We got to do it right.

It has to be big

and special... not here.

At my house... I got the Curve.

- No, special.
- She said special, not stupid.

Math class is over.

If you guys want,

the refs are throwing
this big viewing party.

- A viewing.
- A Block party!

The Settlement provides.

The Settlement provides.
The Settlement

provides.

Can I come in costume?
Can I stop you?

No!

What the hell?

Somebody popped my tires.

Hey, baby doll.
You need a lift?

No, no, I'm-I'm okay. I'm okay.

Where you going?

Oh, is this cat and mouse?
I love this!

Damn it, L.E.,
I don't need a lecture!

I
need a friend, and right now.

Okay, that's L.E.,
that's L.E. Prime.

L.E.'s clearing trying
to sint Baker,

but she can't because
she's a flesh job. Got it.

Or can she?
'Cause these flesh jobs

are clearly sinting.
Friend?

I mean, they're just sinting
all over each other.

Which L.E. are you?
It's me.

It's not me.

What?! No.

No way.

Oh, my... I'm sorry.
I'm such a drime head.

Baker's this close
to finding the Settlement.

Sint!
Why do you say "sint"? Just say "shit"!

You don't have to be coy about it.
After Grandy

became Councilman Elect,
he ordered

Wonder Well
to clean up the system.

What's going on with
Ruben? Is he turning?!

Hey.
I mean, oh, maybe

he's just protecting them.
Look at that face! Look!

You're not gonna wash
your hands, man?

What's wrong with you?

Bye-bye, Baker.

Which one?

What year is this taking place?
I don't know.

- Oh. Oh.
- Guess!

That one.
It's a schism within a schism.

All right, all right.

No, that's not the Settlement!
They want you to think it is.

- Oh, come on, ref!
- Hey, flagrant foul!

Bullshit!

Oh, yeah. Foul.

Four... foul.

Bullshit, ref!

Well, where were we,
Agent Baker?

Wait. Is this whole episode
a dream or a flash-forward?

What the sint?

- Explain that.
- I can't.

After the schism,
nothing makes sense.

This girl I'm going out with
was almost on The Bachelor.

Wow. She must be a
really good person.

- Cool enough for me to bring her
to the Block party. - Andre, sex

will lead to
nothing but trouble.

No. No sex

is the problem.

Sofia's been gone so long,
I'm done celebating.

My balls feel like
two bruised plums

that have been sitting
at the bottom of a shopping bag.

Is Ruben Dondo?

Is Dondo Ruben? I mean,

is there any sinting difference
in the long run there?

Criminy! I realize
I have to feed my meter.

Oh. Uh, that's fair.
I know what that is.

Ooh, boy.
Ah, sint.

Well, that sucked.

Well, that's good, Pete,

because sex'll do nothing
but rot your brain.

Look at me.
Mentally,

I'm not there anymore.

I tried watching The Block.

I didn't understand
a goddamn thing.

That, for once, has nothing
to do with your melon.

Andre, you're a...

doctor.

Can you examine me, please?
For what?

- I think I have C.T.E.
- What's C.T.E.?

Chronic traumatic encephalopathy

from all the concussions.

If you can say it, you
definitely don't have it.

If you had C.T.E.,
you'd have memory loss.

Well, I forgot to set my lineup.

That happens every week.
Impaired judgment.

I found this pill
in the bathroom.

You guys want to go splitsies?

I would not take that
if I were you.

Impulse control problems?

Down the hatch.

You shouldn't have
swallowed that.

Aggression.

You said you didn't want it!
Depression?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have
yelled at you guys.

Anxiety?

Feels like my tongue
is sweating.

And eventually, dementia.
Oh, my God, Andre!

None of what you're wearing
makes sense. The camouflage,

the leather hat,
the snakeskin pants.

Oh, my God, I'm losing it! Aah!

He actually seems

pretty lucid to me.

Yeah, I would agree.

You are dressed like one
of Nick Cannon's bodyguards.

Tiny or Terrell?

Skype sex, here we go.

All right!

Okay, this is what I'm wearing.

Looking good, girl.

Uh, real good.
Okay, your turn.

What am I wearing?

T-shirt from Old Navy,
boxer... from the Gap.

And inside those boxers...
my dick.

How's that? Pretty good, right?

It's cute. You want to kiss?

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Here goes the kiss.

Sofia? You there, baby? Hello?

Must have lost the connection,
and yet, there you are...

give-me-a-kiss face, with
your ample cleavage showing,

not saying a word.

I think that'll probably work.

Rodney?

Babe? Can you see me?

Oh,
I'm a little dirty Latin maid.

Your penis is very dirty.

It needs to be clean.

I want to put the vacuum on it
so I can clean it up.

Oh, okay.
You want to clean it up, baby?

You can clean it up, baby. Oh.

You're a dirty little lady, huh?

Oh, you're a trollop.
You're a silent trollop.

Rodney?!
What? What? Hi.

Rodney, what did you just
call me?

Uh, Sofia. I called you Sofia.

What are you doing right now?

I was... masturbating to you.

Ew! Why would you do that?!

Think how flattering that is.

I could pick any image
on the Internet

or the weird pornos that I have
in my underwear drawer,

and I'm choosing to masturbate
to you, my wife.

That's disgusting.

Can I at least finish?
Ugh! I'm going.

No. Please, just show me your
nipple, or at least a foot! Oh!

I am so excited about the Block party.
So am I.

Oh, by the way, everyone in the
restaurant was so overreacting

about the gun.
I know. It's just a fake gun.

I mean, come on.
What's the big deal?

We look so great.
Oh, you know, we got to get going.

Um... want to get a cab?

Uh... Uber.

Uh... how about we walk?

Come on, it'll
be fine. Come on.

No, I-I can't walk
in these shoes. Look.

We'll just walk.
No. Look, we'll just Uber.

It's so easy.
All you have to do

is open the app and touch the phone.
I know.

Oh, my God, that was so fast.
Oh, no.

Where are you
two off to tonight?

It's a party for the series
finale of The Block.

It's a Block party!
You know, why don't you just

sit in your seat just
for safety reasons?

And we don't want to...

Oh!
...upset the driver.

Agent Baker.
No.

Following the rules.

I think we should
break some rules.

No, no, not tonight.

We're just gonna
just be two friends.

So, you two, uh,
have a connection,

or, um, what's the story there?

He said I'm his bachelorette.

We're still figuring out
a lot of things.

We're just like Agent Baker

and L.E., keeping
things a secret.

Okay, why don't you just
sit over there?

Aren't you two cute?!

Aah!

Oops, my bad.

There was a bump in the road.

- Look at this!
- It's Baker and L.E.!

Baker and L.E. Yes!

I'm so excited about this.

- Oh, my God, this is awesome!
- Wait.

Why are these guys
still dressed like refs?

Why are you still dressed
like a ref?

I'm trying to impress them,
okay?

Jesus, I don't want to get sent
back down to the minor leagues.

I haven't slept in two days,

I've watched every
goddamn episode.

It's like I ate a huge meal,

I forgot what I ate, now
I just want to throw up.

Don't worry, Pete.
I was able

to watch the entire show.

Really?
Yeah. Yeah. Ask me anything.

Well, how did Dondo die?

Dondo died?
Yeah, in season two.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. There
are seasons to this thing?

There's seven of them.

How did you watch the show?

I was just watching it
in alphabetical order

based on the title.

What?!
What?!

No wonder people kept
coming back to life.

Goddamn this brain!
All right, all right.

You want to
know a funny story?

I've made love in
this car. Yeah.

I've made passionate, amazing,

erotic love...
We don't need to hear about it.

...in this car
with that man.

Yup.

With that man.

Let me tell you something.

You see this man right here?
This man that you think

you have a connection
with? This man

connected with my vagina
all over this Uber, okay?

He ejaculated here, there,

there, on your seat,
all over these leathers.

So you want to put a
black light on this thing,

it'll light up
like Times Square.

Is that what you do?
You just pick up women,

and you sleep with them, and
you just throw 'em to the curb?!

No, I don't do that.

It never gets to the sex stuff. I...
Oh, my God!

You're just like Juan Pablo
on The Bachelor.

Preach!
I am not like Juan Pablo!

You're a liar! I thought
we had a connection, okay?

Doesn't Claire deserve love?
I don't know!

I swear to God, if
you don't tell me

you love me, I'm
gonna crash this car

into a wall and kill us all!

Tell her you love her!
What?

I'm gonna crash this
car and kill us all!

Tell her you love her!
No!

Tell me you love me!

Tell her you love her!

I love you! I love you!
I love you!

And... here we are.

Oh, my God.

Okay. You okay?
You okay? No.

No, get off me.
Do not touch me!

Sorry, all right, come on, please, Berkeley.
No!

Please. Come on!

Oh, my God.
It's too cold to walk!

Sint off, you
sinting crazy people!

Berkeley, come back!
She was trouble.

Jesus, what are you doing?!

So, are we going to this party?

I'm not really in costume. Is
there an alcoholic character?

You need
to leave me alone right now!

Ooh, I get it. You
want to play rough.

I'm not playing.
I'm not playing.

Leave me alone!
Leave me alone!

I'm done with you!
I'm done with you!

We are so in sync.

What?
You get back here, Mr. Man.

You get back here!

Stay away from me!

Get back here!
Stay away! Aah! Aah!

You're mine!

I'll take the bus!
I'll take the bus!

When the settlement
sublimates the chosen,

this is where the dead bodies
are disposed.

It was all smoke and mirrors.

Oh, my.
What is happening?

Like so many
of your religious practices.

You snooze, you don't win.

People need to believe
in something.

You're supposed to be dead!
So are you.

I can't let you do
that, Ruben.

Don't, Ruben!

It's a one-night stand!
It's over!

It's not over
until I say it's over!

It's the end of the world.

The time schism is upon us.

I think I know
something that you don't.

I knew it!

What is going on?
What?

Oh, my God!

I got you, lover!

This is gonna
affect your Uber rating!

I got you!

No!
What happened?!

Taco?

Taco!

Ow.
Hi.

I'm Claire.

I'm Taco.

Are you guys okay?

Who are you?

You want to fool around?

Yeah.

Taco, what about
your concussions?

What concussions?
I can give you a lift.

Just the sex would be fine.
Great. That sounds good.

Well, looks like his concussion
cured his concussion.

Taco's coming out of retirement.