The League (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 4 - When Rafi Met Randy - full transcript
Rafael and Randall meet in a mental institution.
Oh, no. Oh!
High-five?
Oh. Oh, Rafi!
Get up! Get up, you big idiot!
Get up! Rafi! Rafi!
This is it, Evan.
We did it. Bear Stearns Plaza.
The crown jewel of the
Bear Stearns empire.
And we were the
ones that built it.
I think there's only one
way to celebrate this.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Champagne!
- Ha, ha!
- Ooh, the good stuff.
- To Randall and Evan.
- Ah! Oh, shoot.
Evan! No!
Daddy, Daddy. The ice
cream truck didn't stop.
What? Would you, hon?
- All right. Three ice creams coming up.
- Thanks, sweetie.
Excuse me! Excuse me.
Hey, how are you? Can I get
three vanilla cones, please?
Isn't he the best daddy? Yup.
Ooh, look at that.
Thanks so much.
No!
Why?
♪♪
Wait.
What is this place? Where am I?
Rafael, we have
been expecting you.
My name is Nurse Pam. This
is your orderly, Mr. Spazanelli.
I'm gonna need you to
fill out this paperwork.
I-I have to go back to home.
I have to go where
my wife is and my kids.
Your wife is dead. No!
Your children are
dead. No, that's not true.
So marital status will be
"single," and children is "zero."
I don't belong here. I
don't need to be here.
Randall. I think there's
been some sort of mistake.
I think you do
need to be here...
because I think you've tried to commit
suicide over 75 times, according to your file.
So if you could fill
out this paperwork.
All these razor blades
in my bag, I need those...
- 'cause I might shave later,
so don't take those.
- Okay, did you hear that?
I hate rats, so I need
all the rat poison I have.
- I have to hang myself later.
- You get these back never.
What? What? Never?
Wait. Why... That's not a time.
Not never. Just when you get
checked out, that's when you get it back.
Okay, that sounds reasonable.
Practically never though.
Okay, so you have
tried to hang yourselves?
A bunch of times. Doctor says I
have something called "strong neck."
This shit is tight as hell.
No, that's my
Sidekick. Not anymore.
Okay, what about
a gun to the head?
Yes, of course. What
happened there?
- The water kept bouncing
off my forehead.
- So it was a water gun.
Yes. I put real bullets in
it though. I'm not stupid.
I go to track meets and jump in front of
the guy starting the race. Those are blanks.
If you could both fill that out, that
would be very helpful. Thank you.
Hey, man, it sounds like you're
really good at trying to commit suicide.
I'm good at "trying." I suck
at "doing." I know. Me too.
It's hard. I think
I've tried everything.
I even went online.
The Worldwide Web?
Yeah, the Internet. I've looked on
the Internet. I dialed up and logged on...
On my Prodigy account
I found a bulletin board...
and I tried to hire somebody
to kill me. Did it work?
No, it was just a kid who
wanted to jerk off together,
which I thought
was very distasteful.
I tried Netscaping it,
AltaVista-ing it... Did you Lycos it?
That was the first
thing I did, was Lycos it.
I've looked everywhere, and it's almost
impossible to find suicide tips online,
so I called a suicide hotline 'cause I
thought they would, like, give me advice.
They talk you out of it.
They tried to talk me out of it,
which was rude. Yeah, very rude.
I miss them so much.
What's your name, man?
Rafael. I'm Randall.
Nice to meet you. Oh, I'm,
uh... I actually don't shake hands.
I'm kind of a clean,
neat-freak germophobe.
Oh, well, Clean Randall, huh?
Yeah, that's what they call me.
Oh, that's funny. Yeah.
Okay. Okay, Spazanelli?
This is your job.
You hold mine, I'll hold
yours! You have to do your job.
No! You're helping them!
You're helping them.
Aaah! No! No, I want to die!
It's the only job you have.
I want to die. Let's
go. We're done.
It's the only job you have.
All right, psychos.
Here are your bunks.
You will keep your bunks clean.
If you do not keep your bunks
clean, you will have to answer to me.
I am in charge here...
Right after Nurse Pam
and Eric and Howard...
and Lawrence and Stephanie.
And Pam... Pamela.
It's a different Pam.
She's only here in
the afternoons. Okay?
But I am in charge.
Don't you dare forget it.
- Your name again is?
- Spazanelli.
- Can we call you Spazz
for short?
- No!
Okay. You may not.
Mail time. Joel.
Neal, here's your mail.
Read up. It's blacked out again.
There's no point in allowing the US
Postal Service to deliver my mail...
if you're going to black out
all the pertinent information.
What is the introductory APR?
What poetry has been written to me by the
coupon writers at Macy's department store?
All the important
parts are still there.
And I'm going to keep this. The
cat magazine with a dick hole in it?
It's not an obvious dick hole. It's
obviously the size and girth of a dick.
- It's not a dick hole.
- What is it for?
You can have sex
with my magazine.
Just please tell me if they
published my letter to the editor.
- Come on, Howard.
- That guy's super
into cat magazines sexually.
Gentlemen, my name is Neal M.,
- and this is my associate,
Mr. Joel Cock.
- Cool name.
Our support staff are
Maureen and Teddy.
Maureen is the Teddy bear,
and Teddy is the
lobotomized doll from hell.
You'd think it would maybe
be the other way around.
You'll find many
things are topsy-turvy...
here at the Cook County
Psychiatric Institute,
originally founded in 1812
for murderers, homosexuals...
and people who
didn't know how to sail.
You seem like a guy who
knows his way around.
Think you could
show us the ropes?
By "ropes," we mean the ropes
we can hang ourselves with.
Those are the only ropes I know.
Gentlemen, it would be my pleasure.
What... What's that noise?
That chime means it's
time to take our medicine.
Up now, stupid! Stand up.
Drop the sheep.
Maureen, take a letter.
It's a little scary here.
Yes. Most of them
are dangerous lunatics.
What? That's not good.
Keep a journal of when each
of them tries to murder you.
If they succeed, it's
your only escape.
These exit doors tease
you with their signs,
but they're locked by a keypad.
Protected by a secret code.
Unknowable. Indecipherable.
Nope.
A few feet ahead is
our nurses' station.
Watch your step. That bump has killed
some of the finest men I've ever known.
Hello. I would like to become a
mindless drone with pills, please.
Thank you very much. Four
times a day with this, per diem.
Okay. What, uh...
What are these?
Pills. It's your medicine.
Did my doctor prescribe these?
No, you don't have a doctor anymore.
- Dr. Saperstein's dead?
- There ain't no doctors here.
You're in the jungle now, baby.
What? Please keep it moving.
And I need you to make
different choices today.
I am trying to help
you. Different choices.
- What is this?
- Gentlemen, welcome to the common room.
These are your compatriots.
Eighteen minus one
is 17. Plus four... 21.
Like a Rain Man
kind of guy, huh?
Yeah, but with totally easy
and normal math problems.
Yeah. So kind of
like a drizzle man.
Yeah. Sprinkle man. Showers man.
Bottom's up. What
should we do with these?
Yeah, should we put
them in the plant? No.
The hiding places
are under observation.
- Bottom's up.
- Time's a-wastin'.
Don't speak to them. Sorry.
- What do we do with them?
- We feed them to Joel.
He takes everybody's medication?
Yes, he takes all
the pills. He's a thing.
So you're telling me four times a
day we give him all of this med... See?
That's 20 times more pills
than he should be taking.
Four times 20 is 40...
Okay, we misjudged you. You're
not a Rain Man. He's just a dumb guy.
You're just a dumb guy
who says numbers. Yeah.
Swallow! Swallow it!
It's a tender but somewhat
violent relationship.
I make him chew, but
only he can swallow.
Okay, let's start off our group
therapy session as we always do...
Checking in with just how
insane everyone is feeling today.
- Neal?
- I remain perfectly sane,
as I was last week.
For those of you who
don't know my story,
in the past I received a
message from the future...
saying that I would wind
up in an insane asylum.
I wait patiently for my
future self to arrive...
so that I may
secure his release.
I faked my insanity...
by stealing neighborhood pets,
stuffing them inside each other
and mailing them to professors.
Forgive me, Neal,
and we just met,
but I think if you
are here in the future,
it's because you arrived here in
the past and will just be here later.
Think of time like a piece
of shit floating in the ocean...
Okay, wait. swirling
and sinking and bobbing.
The boats go by... "Oh, look,
Mother. A floating time shit."
I think if that happened to me, I would just
think I was seeing a piece of shit in the water.
It will happen to you and
it has happened to you.
Past, future, present...
They're all the same.
I'm here waiting
for me to arrive,
so that I can get myself
out of this hellhole.
Neal as nutty as ever.
Not nutty. Certain.
Okay, now we have some
new members of our group.
Would you guys like to
introduce yourselves, please?
Hi. I'm Randall.
I guess I'm here 'cause I
accidently caused the death...
of my best friend
and business partner,
and I've just been
having a rough time lately.
- Great.
- I'm, uh, Rafael.
My family was killed
in front of my eyes...
about six months ago on a city
street in Chicago. Wow, that's crazy.
A man, who had been pushed
off of a 125-story building,
fell on top of them,
crushing them into the ground,
creating a human disaster
of organs, viscera and blood.
I have vowed to find out
who pushed the falling man...
to kill him in a manner that befits
the horrors that he fell upon me!
I will destroy him!
Top to bottom!
"T" to "B"!
Hope you find him. Great.
William, last week we were
talking about your mother.
Yeah, I don't want to
talk about my mother.
I just do... Add
four, three, seven...
She was making a grilled
cheese sandwich for you.
She realized she forgot
to put the tomatoes in,
and then she jumped
inside the oven to kill herself.
I don't want to talk about
my mom in the oven!
Closed the oven door. She stared
at you through the little tiny window...
I don't want to talk about my
mom! You're upsetting him.
He doesn't want to talk about
it. I think maybe just move on.
Maybe it's not working at all,
what Nurse Pam is doing here.
No, I don't think this
particular thing is working.
Maybe it would be better if Nurse Pam
sent William to electroshock therapy.
Why would he want that?
Robert, please take William to
the electroshock therapy room.
Why would you do that
to him? No, don't do that.
- That makes no sense at all.
- I feel like you're overreacting.
The punishment does
not fit the crime here.
I'm gonna need you
both to calm down.
We're being pretty calm,
actually. I think we're very rational.
Lower your voices.
Now I'm gonna need you
both to sit down. We are sitting.
Why are you... I couldn't
do this if I wasn't sitting.
I don't feel safe. I've
got a code red. Kevin!
Please take them to the
electroshock therapy room immediately.
They're absolutely
out of control.
- We'll walk voluntarily.
- They're out of control!
I'm actually being very pragmatic,
very open, very communicative.
- I think we learned our lesson!
- Yeah, what did we do?
Why are we even here? Now,
Rafael, before electroshock treatment,
I usually call family members and
let them know this is about to happen.
But yours are all dead.
Oh, come on. Call my sister.
I don't know why
we're doing this.
If I start smiling or laughing
while it's happening,
it's because I'm enjoying
breaking you down.
Breaking us down?
You don't have to...
It did make me laugh.
It did make me laugh.
Aaah, it hurts! Please
don't do that again!
- Please don't do that again!
- All right, one more.
Here we go. All right.
There you... There you go.
You're all right.
- That's not bad.
- Yeah, it felt good.
I'm kind of like energized,
like I just had an espresso.
- I feel my personality is
changing a little bit though.
- But for the better, right?
Screw you. - Yeah!
High-five!
All right, men,
time for exercise.
Why don't you exercise this?
No. Why don't you exercise this?
Yeah!
That feels good.
What was that, five?
I'm gonna guess a four.
- A six.
- Hey, how about this?
Give us a two, then
a seven, then a four.
My pleasure.
I'm starving.
That's a turd. Big time.
It's his!
Did you find my turd? She did!
I turded in there!
Yeah, totally!
So instead of eating your stupid
sandwich, you can snack on a dick.
But we didn't have a dick... No.
So we turded in there! Boom!
Shit-dick! Yeah.
- Snack on it!
- Shock us!
Oh. Oh. Is that the
best you can do, bitch?
Oh, no, I got more than
that. But first you do me.
Okay, okay. You ready?
Go! Yeah!
This is how they made
The Incredible Hulk.
Guess what. I don't
need these anymore. Nice.
You do me while I do
you. That's a great idea.
Right? Brothers.
Hey! Turn that off!
What is the matter
with you idiots?
Nothing, nothing.
Hey, hey, easy.
We're all on the same team,
man. You're hurting my arm.
Rafael, Randall, are you
okay? What happened?
Rafael and Randall? They
were electrocuted to death.
I took the power
of electricity...
and I killed the lonely,
emotional Rafael.
And now I am Rafi. Exactly.
And I took Clean Randall...
and I acknowledged that
I'm actually a filth monster...
who loves the grossest stuff
on earth, so I'm Dirty Randy now.
- Yeah. And also,
now we can high-five.
- We can high-five now.
How rad is that?
Every time!
Not that time.
Okay, not that time.
- Heads up, turds!
- Ooh!
Look who's here.
Sexy lady alert.
Please don't. I hear you were in
the electroshock therapy room today.
Oh, yeah. Unsupervised?
- All day.
- We've been there enough,
so we know how it works.
You are not allowed in there!
Mr. Spazanelli, I need
you to lower your voice.
Oh, look at this. He's hard.
His dick is hard.
His wiener's hard.
- My dick isn't hard.
- Yes, it is.
Oh, come on, man! Please stop
pointing at Mr. Spazanelli's penis.
Prude.
Please do not make that sound
and do not make that gesture again.
What-What sound? What gesture?
Please, Mr. Spazanelli,
do not go...
- But you were asking what...
- I just asked you not to go...
Oh, you know what
it is? It's this. Uh!
Please do not go "uh." She
doesn't care about the "uh."
But you can't do
a "uh" without a...
Well, then, don't do "uh."
so then you won't have to...
You know, what we
did before was this.
Okay, that's
absolutely disgusting.
- Let's all do it together.
- Nobody's gonna be
doing it together.
Doing what?
Okay, enough!
Now, because you two
have broken the rules today,
it seems your friends
are gonna have to pay.
What do you mean?
What are you talking about?
- I see William has
a personal effect on him.
- My lunch box?
- It's just his lunch box.
- No, no!
Collective
punishment is... Aaah!
- Neal, you okay?
- Lockdown!
Give him back the box!
We will get you, Spazz!
- Lunch box! Lunch box!
- Relax.
Just do your numbers.
Do your numbers.
This will not stand!
- Maybe I can help.
- Who are you?
I'm Greg. I'm a black
guy who has great ideas,
and I want to be
a part of the gang.
Listen. Spazz is
always going to the attic.
Huh.
Welcome to the gang, Greg.
It's not a number.
Eight is a number.
Guys, Spazz is always
going to the attic.
God, you're right!
That's brilliant!
Tight.
Let's go. Let's go.
I'll get to you later.
Whoa. Oh, hell, yeah!
- Then the prophecy is true.
- This is my bag.
- You see my lunch box up here?
- Whoa. Video camera.
Holy shit!
- Puka shells. And flip-flops.
- Hey, hey, check this out.
What... Oh, my God.
You guys, look at this.
That is the coolest jacket I've
ever seen in my life. It gets better.
- This was in the pocket.
- Oh, my God!
This is Goonies. This
is grown-up Goonies.
- I call Data.
- Whoa!
Lord Grappling's hook.
And a rope-ladder ladder rope.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
I'm thinking exactly what
you're thinking, my friend.
We are getting out of
here, my niggas. Whoo!
We are getting out
of here, my niggas.
Ha-ha! Whoa, dude.
Dude, yeah, you
can't say that. No?
Wow. I thought I could. I thought
this was a thing we were doing.
Goonies never say the
"N" word. Okay. Fine.
Once we're in the stairwell, we
need to clear the nurses' station...
and the guards at
the front door. Okay.
No problem.
You seen this?
Are you kidding me?
I've been eyeballing that hole
since I first stepped into this joint.
Uh-oh, Teddy. Uh-oh.
It's time. Dumb, dirty doll.
Yeah, good. Good!
You keep working on it.
I'll keep working on the plan.
You just let me know when you're
finished. I'm gonna fill your head, Teddy.
Ooh!
Yeah, these'll work perfectly.
What's goin' on in there?
Can we help you?
Fantastic. Oh, God!
- Oh, yeah. Get outta here.
- Oh, yeah, you dirty animal.
Go! That was close.
- I've started something here
I can't come back from.
- We're finishing this.
- Okay, we should lock eyes.
- Yeah. Try to look
a little dead though.
Mmm. Oh, yeah. More dead.
All right.
This is totally gonna work.
Totally. I mean, he looks good.
- He looks... really good.
- No, he looks really good.
- Oh, it's still Joel.
- Yeah, but he looks amazing.
- No, I'm Joel. I'm still Joel.
- Hi, Mrs. Joel.
Oh, boy.
Oh! Okay, I think
we're clear on the stairs.
We get past the nurses' station.
Biggest problem is gonna be we
don't have the code for this front door.
I know. How are we gonna
get the code to that front door?
Once we have that,
we are out of this place.
We are home free. Home free.
- Okay. Guys?
- What do you think? Anything.
- There's nine numbers
on the key code.
- Yeah.
Nine times two is 18.
Yes. So there's 18, uh, codes.
No. That's not at all math.
That's number one.
Two tacos, 99 cents.
What does that mean?
That doesn't make any sense.
That's a commercial we just saw.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
He is onto something though.
William, where are the tacos?
Oh! Ninety-nine
tacos, two cents.
Yes, yes, yes. Can you get
your hands on these 99 tacos?
That's like 30 tacos each.
- Hey!
- Whoa.
I know what you guys are up to.
- And I want in.
- Absolutely.
All we need is the
code to the front door.
- It's easy. 4-5-3-5.
- Easy to remember. 8-7-4-4.
No, no, no. 7-7-6-9.
- 1-1-1-1.
- Pound, pound, pound.
Square, star, square,
pound, square.
No, no, no, no. Okay, so
it's, "no, no, no, no." Got it.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Twelve! Twelve!
Is it 12? No!
Let's break it down
into numbers, okay?
Four, five, three, five.
But then I don't get a number
and I'm, like, one of the leaders.
That's not fair. Fine.
You guys, I've
got it. It's 4-5-3-5.
You... You got it?
- Okay, we got it.
- We got it.
Now tell me about these tacos.
Good game, guys, good move.
Good move. Good
move, Joel. You got this.
I think you got this. It's not
a game. It's a fake game.
Shut up, shut up. We're
just pretending. Shut up.
Spazz, watch the nurses' station.
I'm gonna go have a cigarette.
All right, I'll come with you.
But I just said to stay here
and watch the nurses' station.
Okay.
Now.
Now. Now.
Joely, boy,
do me proud.
Down the hatch, trash mouth.
Chew, chew, chew.
Something's wrong
with Joel. Oh, no! I care.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, God, oh, God! Oh, no!
Are you all right?
Here. More pills, here.
Open up. Open,
open. Get 'em in there.
Get 'em in there.
Get 'em all in there.
Help! Help! We need more pills!
Hey, Nurse Pram. I'm Nurse Pram.
There's a porno on
TV. What the hell?
Everyone, look! Oh, no!
I'm an inmate who's
crazy... Crazy in love.
A really well done porno
movie's on the screen.
What are those for?
Are you gonna tie me up?
- You'll see.
- I can't wait to see.
Oh, God, yeah. Oh!
It's so hard! It's so hard.
- The rope is so hard!
- Great work.
The reaction we're
getting is fantastic. I know.
That guy is jerking
off so hard right now.
You did a great
job directing this.
Thanks, man.
Is it in?
Is it in? Yeah.
You really got that whole
thing in your ass, man.
Thanks, man. Hey,
Spazanelli, great work.
Call me Spazz.
Call me Spazz. In my face...
- Get the machine.
- This machine?
Yeah. That machine.
We should 100%
do this for a living.
'Cause we love it
and we're great at it.
What's going on in
here? Settle down.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Stop it!
We should get going, guys.
Yeah, we should get going.
- Let's go.
- Get against the wall. Get him over there.
Will you put it back in?
It's in there. Jesus. Oh, is it?
Come here, come
here! I'm so beautiful.
Somebody turn that off!
Shock him. Shock. Shock.
Not sure who that is,
but shock them definitely.
Sho... Actually... No, do sho...
Yeah, don't shock him.
You know what?
Shock him. Who cares?
Thank you, Spazz.
Whoa! Your lunch box.
My lunch box!
This is turning out to
be the best day ever.
- That's nice.
- All right, let me check.
Yeah, visiting
hours are until 8:30.
Shit! There's two
orderlies at the front desk.
- What are we gonna do?
- What are we gonna do?
Nothing! We're screwed.
There's nothing we can do.
We've come all this
way for nothing! No, wait.
I'll distract the guards,
two, three, four.
But then you'll be stuck
in this place forever.
- You won't be able to escape.
- I have all I need.
My numbers... two, three, four.
And my lunch box.
- Aw, gross!
- Anyone want a bite?
No! No!
I'll take care of it.
Me and my lunch box. No!
No problem. You're welcome.
Hi!
William! You know you're
not supposed to be down here!
Guess what number
I'm thinking of.
I don't care what number
you're thinking of. Five!
Three, two, four, one,
four, three, lunch box!
Lunch box!
It's locked. Raf, put in
the code. Put in the code!
- I don't know the code. Greg knows the code.
- Who's Greg?
Greg... black guy with great
ideas. He's part of our gang?
What? Oh, I'm sorry.
The African-American guy!
Now is not the time to be
politically correct, Randy!
You think there's a black
guy that's part of our group?
That's why you keep
saying the "N" word!
Yes, I do because he says it, then I
say it 'cause I want to be cool with him!
There's no patient named
Greg in this facility. Come on!
What? Oh, wait, no, Greg!
Greg! What's the code?
Sorry, buddy. This is
the end of our journey.
There's no one there. You're
not talking to anyone. Oh, no!
Here they come.
Hey, get away from that
door! Get away from that door!
What? Are you serious?
Come on, man! Not cool!
No! No! Rafael, Randall.
Get off of me!
Both of you are gonna
start paying for your actions,
- and there's gonna be major
consequences starting now.
- Ooh!
A little electroshock?
I could use a tune-up.
Both of you have exceeded the
state limit for electroshock therapy.
Awesome! Nice!
You should both be dead.
I've heard that before.
Probably immortal.
You've both been scheduled
for lobotomies tomorrow morning.
What? What?
- No. You can't do that.
- The brain's
the biggest erogenous zone.
- It's done.
- It's done? When?
While I was sleeping? No, I mean
it's done as in it's definitely happening.
Okay. Okay.
- It's scheduled.
- That's bad.
Wait. I know how to
get out of this lobotomy.
Watch this.
I'd like to check myself
out of this facility, please.
- Wait, what?
- I'm here voluntarily.
What? What does that mean?
You know, the state would really
prefer you stay here for further treatment.
You mean get
lobotomized like this idiot?
No, thank you. I need my brain.
Okay, then there's just a few
forms I'm gonna need to sign...
before you go if you wouldn't
mind. Okay, yeah, no problem.
You can't do this!
I don't remember how to write
my name. I'm gonna put a big "X."
That's fine. Great.
There. Excuse me.
And then write your
address right there.
Oh, uh, you know, for now, I'm
just gonna put "under a bridge."
Works for me.
And then just the survey at the
end, and you are out. Oh, yeah.
Um, "hospitality."
Five out of five. Wow.
"Decor." Five out of five.
"Food." Four out of five. 'Cause
of the service. That's fair. Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Before I go, I gotta
tell you something.
I love you too.
That's not what I was
gonna tell you. Okay.
I killed your
family. Wait. What?
Okay, I didn't
technically kill your family,
but the guy who did fall on
your family and squished them...
The falling man? Oh,
yeah. I killed him by accident.
You... You made the falling man
fall? Man, look, you got it easy.
I got to walk through life
remembering all this shit.
You're gonna have that part of your
brain taken out of your head tomorrow.
I want my brain,
and I want to be best friends
with you for the rest of time.
I can't be best friends with a
brainless idiot. I get it. You're cool.
I'll leave you with
these words...
I'll see you on
the flippity-flop.
- All right,
nice meeting you guys.
- Cool beans, man.
Super cool beans. Yeah,
yeah, super cool. All right, oh!
- You're a great guy.
- Oh. Oh! Too slow. That was awkward!
Cool, cool.
Why is everybody
getting along so well?
No! Randy, no!
No! No, Randy!
Don't leave me!
Wow. William, you are playing
so well. You are beating me again.
- Zero plus zero is nine.
- I think that's right.
You are so smart. Rafael.
It's time.
Well, I guess I'll
say my good-byes.
Joel, I know you don't like to be
touched, so I will say good-bye.
Good-bye, Randy.
Four, five, nine... William,
you always have your numbers.
You're a genius.
Neal, take care of William. No.
Well, at least
take care of Joel.
No.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Shall we dance?
Gentlemen.
Wait.
What are we having for dinner?
So in order to perform
a successful lobotomy,
one needs a giant nail... Hmm.
- and a teeny, teeny
little baby hammer.
- Are those medical terms?
And then you press the giant
nail right next to the ear lobe.
Wait, what are you
doing? No, you don't!
That's not how
you do a lobotomy.
A lobotomy, you go
in through the nostril.
I'm doing an ear lobotomy. There
is no such thing as an ear lobotomy.
- I'll do a throat lobotomy.
- There's no brain
in the throat.
- I've done anal lobotomies.
- Okay, I'm listening.
But if you want
a nasal lobotomy,
that's pretty out-there,
but I'm willing to give it a try.
Wait, now?
I'm coming for you, Rafi.
This is gonna be real gross.
Say good-bye to your
thoughts, your dreams...
- and your hopes
for the future.
- What?
Yeah! What the hell?
I'm here to rescue him.
You're too late.
Let's go, homey. Yeah!
You okay? Yeah!
Did they lobotomize
you? I don't know.
Oh, looks like a little bit.
Will you ever be able to forgive
me for what I did to your family?
What family?
Works for me.
Security!
Hey, look!
Whoa! Whoa! Guys!
- Nice!
- Keep that safe for me, Joely.
Looks like we're
getting out of here.
I really did see you
on the flippity-flop.
Oh. Oh, Rafi!
Wake up! Oh, man, he's dead!
I killed my best friend again!
- Oh, God!
- Rafi!
- Oh, no!
- Rebecca Ruxin?
What happened? Rafi!
- What happened to him?
- Oh, Randy murdered him
with his gun.
- Come on, dude!
- You animals!
Don't you leave me!
Don't you leave me!
Not today, my prince! Not today!
Here! Here. Let these guide you
back. Let these guide you back.
Don't go to the light.
Come back to me.
Are you okay? I am
now that you're here.
It's a mitzvah. Yes.
It is a mitzvah.
We are gathered here today...
to join Rebecca and Rafi...
together in holy matrimony.
Congratulations, my friend.
Thanks, man.
Rafi looks so handsome.
Where's Ruxin? Not invited.
Why this man and woman should
not be joined in holy matrimony,
speak now or forever
hold your peace.
I have something I have to say!
You cannot get married.
Not without your best man.
Hey, Brian, take a hike,
you dumb dildo. Thank Christ.
You got a lot of nerve
showing up here.
I got to ask you something,
big man. I'm listening.
Can you forgive
me for what I did...
Smooshing your family
and shooting you?
I do.
Wow.
I made these from the
bullet I shot you with.
Now go make an
honest Jew out of her.
I plan on it.
And with the placing
of these rings,
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Congrats, Rafi!
Get up! Rafi! Rafi!
Get up, you big idiot!
Mmm.
Rafi! Rafi!
Rafi!
I can't believe
mouth-to-mouth worked.
That wasn't mouth-to-mouth.
That was true love's kiss.
You saved my life.
I'll never do anything
to hurt you ever again.
Where'd you get that?
Don't worry about it.
Oh!
Ah, turns out it is still
loaded, guys. My bad.
♪♪
High-five?
Oh. Oh, Rafi!
Get up! Get up, you big idiot!
Get up! Rafi! Rafi!
This is it, Evan.
We did it. Bear Stearns Plaza.
The crown jewel of the
Bear Stearns empire.
And we were the
ones that built it.
I think there's only one
way to celebrate this.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Champagne!
- Ha, ha!
- Ooh, the good stuff.
- To Randall and Evan.
- Ah! Oh, shoot.
Evan! No!
Daddy, Daddy. The ice
cream truck didn't stop.
What? Would you, hon?
- All right. Three ice creams coming up.
- Thanks, sweetie.
Excuse me! Excuse me.
Hey, how are you? Can I get
three vanilla cones, please?
Isn't he the best daddy? Yup.
Ooh, look at that.
Thanks so much.
No!
Why?
♪♪
Wait.
What is this place? Where am I?
Rafael, we have
been expecting you.
My name is Nurse Pam. This
is your orderly, Mr. Spazanelli.
I'm gonna need you to
fill out this paperwork.
I-I have to go back to home.
I have to go where
my wife is and my kids.
Your wife is dead. No!
Your children are
dead. No, that's not true.
So marital status will be
"single," and children is "zero."
I don't belong here. I
don't need to be here.
Randall. I think there's
been some sort of mistake.
I think you do
need to be here...
because I think you've tried to commit
suicide over 75 times, according to your file.
So if you could fill
out this paperwork.
All these razor blades
in my bag, I need those...
- 'cause I might shave later,
so don't take those.
- Okay, did you hear that?
I hate rats, so I need
all the rat poison I have.
- I have to hang myself later.
- You get these back never.
What? What? Never?
Wait. Why... That's not a time.
Not never. Just when you get
checked out, that's when you get it back.
Okay, that sounds reasonable.
Practically never though.
Okay, so you have
tried to hang yourselves?
A bunch of times. Doctor says I
have something called "strong neck."
This shit is tight as hell.
No, that's my
Sidekick. Not anymore.
Okay, what about
a gun to the head?
Yes, of course. What
happened there?
- The water kept bouncing
off my forehead.
- So it was a water gun.
Yes. I put real bullets in
it though. I'm not stupid.
I go to track meets and jump in front of
the guy starting the race. Those are blanks.
If you could both fill that out, that
would be very helpful. Thank you.
Hey, man, it sounds like you're
really good at trying to commit suicide.
I'm good at "trying." I suck
at "doing." I know. Me too.
It's hard. I think
I've tried everything.
I even went online.
The Worldwide Web?
Yeah, the Internet. I've looked on
the Internet. I dialed up and logged on...
On my Prodigy account
I found a bulletin board...
and I tried to hire somebody
to kill me. Did it work?
No, it was just a kid who
wanted to jerk off together,
which I thought
was very distasteful.
I tried Netscaping it,
AltaVista-ing it... Did you Lycos it?
That was the first
thing I did, was Lycos it.
I've looked everywhere, and it's almost
impossible to find suicide tips online,
so I called a suicide hotline 'cause I
thought they would, like, give me advice.
They talk you out of it.
They tried to talk me out of it,
which was rude. Yeah, very rude.
I miss them so much.
What's your name, man?
Rafael. I'm Randall.
Nice to meet you. Oh, I'm,
uh... I actually don't shake hands.
I'm kind of a clean,
neat-freak germophobe.
Oh, well, Clean Randall, huh?
Yeah, that's what they call me.
Oh, that's funny. Yeah.
Okay. Okay, Spazanelli?
This is your job.
You hold mine, I'll hold
yours! You have to do your job.
No! You're helping them!
You're helping them.
Aaah! No! No, I want to die!
It's the only job you have.
I want to die. Let's
go. We're done.
It's the only job you have.
All right, psychos.
Here are your bunks.
You will keep your bunks clean.
If you do not keep your bunks
clean, you will have to answer to me.
I am in charge here...
Right after Nurse Pam
and Eric and Howard...
and Lawrence and Stephanie.
And Pam... Pamela.
It's a different Pam.
She's only here in
the afternoons. Okay?
But I am in charge.
Don't you dare forget it.
- Your name again is?
- Spazanelli.
- Can we call you Spazz
for short?
- No!
Okay. You may not.
Mail time. Joel.
Neal, here's your mail.
Read up. It's blacked out again.
There's no point in allowing the US
Postal Service to deliver my mail...
if you're going to black out
all the pertinent information.
What is the introductory APR?
What poetry has been written to me by the
coupon writers at Macy's department store?
All the important
parts are still there.
And I'm going to keep this. The
cat magazine with a dick hole in it?
It's not an obvious dick hole. It's
obviously the size and girth of a dick.
- It's not a dick hole.
- What is it for?
You can have sex
with my magazine.
Just please tell me if they
published my letter to the editor.
- Come on, Howard.
- That guy's super
into cat magazines sexually.
Gentlemen, my name is Neal M.,
- and this is my associate,
Mr. Joel Cock.
- Cool name.
Our support staff are
Maureen and Teddy.
Maureen is the Teddy bear,
and Teddy is the
lobotomized doll from hell.
You'd think it would maybe
be the other way around.
You'll find many
things are topsy-turvy...
here at the Cook County
Psychiatric Institute,
originally founded in 1812
for murderers, homosexuals...
and people who
didn't know how to sail.
You seem like a guy who
knows his way around.
Think you could
show us the ropes?
By "ropes," we mean the ropes
we can hang ourselves with.
Those are the only ropes I know.
Gentlemen, it would be my pleasure.
What... What's that noise?
That chime means it's
time to take our medicine.
Up now, stupid! Stand up.
Drop the sheep.
Maureen, take a letter.
It's a little scary here.
Yes. Most of them
are dangerous lunatics.
What? That's not good.
Keep a journal of when each
of them tries to murder you.
If they succeed, it's
your only escape.
These exit doors tease
you with their signs,
but they're locked by a keypad.
Protected by a secret code.
Unknowable. Indecipherable.
Nope.
A few feet ahead is
our nurses' station.
Watch your step. That bump has killed
some of the finest men I've ever known.
Hello. I would like to become a
mindless drone with pills, please.
Thank you very much. Four
times a day with this, per diem.
Okay. What, uh...
What are these?
Pills. It's your medicine.
Did my doctor prescribe these?
No, you don't have a doctor anymore.
- Dr. Saperstein's dead?
- There ain't no doctors here.
You're in the jungle now, baby.
What? Please keep it moving.
And I need you to make
different choices today.
I am trying to help
you. Different choices.
- What is this?
- Gentlemen, welcome to the common room.
These are your compatriots.
Eighteen minus one
is 17. Plus four... 21.
Like a Rain Man
kind of guy, huh?
Yeah, but with totally easy
and normal math problems.
Yeah. So kind of
like a drizzle man.
Yeah. Sprinkle man. Showers man.
Bottom's up. What
should we do with these?
Yeah, should we put
them in the plant? No.
The hiding places
are under observation.
- Bottom's up.
- Time's a-wastin'.
Don't speak to them. Sorry.
- What do we do with them?
- We feed them to Joel.
He takes everybody's medication?
Yes, he takes all
the pills. He's a thing.
So you're telling me four times a
day we give him all of this med... See?
That's 20 times more pills
than he should be taking.
Four times 20 is 40...
Okay, we misjudged you. You're
not a Rain Man. He's just a dumb guy.
You're just a dumb guy
who says numbers. Yeah.
Swallow! Swallow it!
It's a tender but somewhat
violent relationship.
I make him chew, but
only he can swallow.
Okay, let's start off our group
therapy session as we always do...
Checking in with just how
insane everyone is feeling today.
- Neal?
- I remain perfectly sane,
as I was last week.
For those of you who
don't know my story,
in the past I received a
message from the future...
saying that I would wind
up in an insane asylum.
I wait patiently for my
future self to arrive...
so that I may
secure his release.
I faked my insanity...
by stealing neighborhood pets,
stuffing them inside each other
and mailing them to professors.
Forgive me, Neal,
and we just met,
but I think if you
are here in the future,
it's because you arrived here in
the past and will just be here later.
Think of time like a piece
of shit floating in the ocean...
Okay, wait. swirling
and sinking and bobbing.
The boats go by... "Oh, look,
Mother. A floating time shit."
I think if that happened to me, I would just
think I was seeing a piece of shit in the water.
It will happen to you and
it has happened to you.
Past, future, present...
They're all the same.
I'm here waiting
for me to arrive,
so that I can get myself
out of this hellhole.
Neal as nutty as ever.
Not nutty. Certain.
Okay, now we have some
new members of our group.
Would you guys like to
introduce yourselves, please?
Hi. I'm Randall.
I guess I'm here 'cause I
accidently caused the death...
of my best friend
and business partner,
and I've just been
having a rough time lately.
- Great.
- I'm, uh, Rafael.
My family was killed
in front of my eyes...
about six months ago on a city
street in Chicago. Wow, that's crazy.
A man, who had been pushed
off of a 125-story building,
fell on top of them,
crushing them into the ground,
creating a human disaster
of organs, viscera and blood.
I have vowed to find out
who pushed the falling man...
to kill him in a manner that befits
the horrors that he fell upon me!
I will destroy him!
Top to bottom!
"T" to "B"!
Hope you find him. Great.
William, last week we were
talking about your mother.
Yeah, I don't want to
talk about my mother.
I just do... Add
four, three, seven...
She was making a grilled
cheese sandwich for you.
She realized she forgot
to put the tomatoes in,
and then she jumped
inside the oven to kill herself.
I don't want to talk about
my mom in the oven!
Closed the oven door. She stared
at you through the little tiny window...
I don't want to talk about my
mom! You're upsetting him.
He doesn't want to talk about
it. I think maybe just move on.
Maybe it's not working at all,
what Nurse Pam is doing here.
No, I don't think this
particular thing is working.
Maybe it would be better if Nurse Pam
sent William to electroshock therapy.
Why would he want that?
Robert, please take William to
the electroshock therapy room.
Why would you do that
to him? No, don't do that.
- That makes no sense at all.
- I feel like you're overreacting.
The punishment does
not fit the crime here.
I'm gonna need you
both to calm down.
We're being pretty calm,
actually. I think we're very rational.
Lower your voices.
Now I'm gonna need you
both to sit down. We are sitting.
Why are you... I couldn't
do this if I wasn't sitting.
I don't feel safe. I've
got a code red. Kevin!
Please take them to the
electroshock therapy room immediately.
They're absolutely
out of control.
- We'll walk voluntarily.
- They're out of control!
I'm actually being very pragmatic,
very open, very communicative.
- I think we learned our lesson!
- Yeah, what did we do?
Why are we even here? Now,
Rafael, before electroshock treatment,
I usually call family members and
let them know this is about to happen.
But yours are all dead.
Oh, come on. Call my sister.
I don't know why
we're doing this.
If I start smiling or laughing
while it's happening,
it's because I'm enjoying
breaking you down.
Breaking us down?
You don't have to...
It did make me laugh.
It did make me laugh.
Aaah, it hurts! Please
don't do that again!
- Please don't do that again!
- All right, one more.
Here we go. All right.
There you... There you go.
You're all right.
- That's not bad.
- Yeah, it felt good.
I'm kind of like energized,
like I just had an espresso.
- I feel my personality is
changing a little bit though.
- But for the better, right?
Screw you. - Yeah!
High-five!
All right, men,
time for exercise.
Why don't you exercise this?
No. Why don't you exercise this?
Yeah!
That feels good.
What was that, five?
I'm gonna guess a four.
- A six.
- Hey, how about this?
Give us a two, then
a seven, then a four.
My pleasure.
I'm starving.
That's a turd. Big time.
It's his!
Did you find my turd? She did!
I turded in there!
Yeah, totally!
So instead of eating your stupid
sandwich, you can snack on a dick.
But we didn't have a dick... No.
So we turded in there! Boom!
Shit-dick! Yeah.
- Snack on it!
- Shock us!
Oh. Oh. Is that the
best you can do, bitch?
Oh, no, I got more than
that. But first you do me.
Okay, okay. You ready?
Go! Yeah!
This is how they made
The Incredible Hulk.
Guess what. I don't
need these anymore. Nice.
You do me while I do
you. That's a great idea.
Right? Brothers.
Hey! Turn that off!
What is the matter
with you idiots?
Nothing, nothing.
Hey, hey, easy.
We're all on the same team,
man. You're hurting my arm.
Rafael, Randall, are you
okay? What happened?
Rafael and Randall? They
were electrocuted to death.
I took the power
of electricity...
and I killed the lonely,
emotional Rafael.
And now I am Rafi. Exactly.
And I took Clean Randall...
and I acknowledged that
I'm actually a filth monster...
who loves the grossest stuff
on earth, so I'm Dirty Randy now.
- Yeah. And also,
now we can high-five.
- We can high-five now.
How rad is that?
Every time!
Not that time.
Okay, not that time.
- Heads up, turds!
- Ooh!
Look who's here.
Sexy lady alert.
Please don't. I hear you were in
the electroshock therapy room today.
Oh, yeah. Unsupervised?
- All day.
- We've been there enough,
so we know how it works.
You are not allowed in there!
Mr. Spazanelli, I need
you to lower your voice.
Oh, look at this. He's hard.
His dick is hard.
His wiener's hard.
- My dick isn't hard.
- Yes, it is.
Oh, come on, man! Please stop
pointing at Mr. Spazanelli's penis.
Prude.
Please do not make that sound
and do not make that gesture again.
What-What sound? What gesture?
Please, Mr. Spazanelli,
do not go...
- But you were asking what...
- I just asked you not to go...
Oh, you know what
it is? It's this. Uh!
Please do not go "uh." She
doesn't care about the "uh."
But you can't do
a "uh" without a...
Well, then, don't do "uh."
so then you won't have to...
You know, what we
did before was this.
Okay, that's
absolutely disgusting.
- Let's all do it together.
- Nobody's gonna be
doing it together.
Doing what?
Okay, enough!
Now, because you two
have broken the rules today,
it seems your friends
are gonna have to pay.
What do you mean?
What are you talking about?
- I see William has
a personal effect on him.
- My lunch box?
- It's just his lunch box.
- No, no!
Collective
punishment is... Aaah!
- Neal, you okay?
- Lockdown!
Give him back the box!
We will get you, Spazz!
- Lunch box! Lunch box!
- Relax.
Just do your numbers.
Do your numbers.
This will not stand!
- Maybe I can help.
- Who are you?
I'm Greg. I'm a black
guy who has great ideas,
and I want to be
a part of the gang.
Listen. Spazz is
always going to the attic.
Huh.
Welcome to the gang, Greg.
It's not a number.
Eight is a number.
Guys, Spazz is always
going to the attic.
God, you're right!
That's brilliant!
Tight.
Let's go. Let's go.
I'll get to you later.
Whoa. Oh, hell, yeah!
- Then the prophecy is true.
- This is my bag.
- You see my lunch box up here?
- Whoa. Video camera.
Holy shit!
- Puka shells. And flip-flops.
- Hey, hey, check this out.
What... Oh, my God.
You guys, look at this.
That is the coolest jacket I've
ever seen in my life. It gets better.
- This was in the pocket.
- Oh, my God!
This is Goonies. This
is grown-up Goonies.
- I call Data.
- Whoa!
Lord Grappling's hook.
And a rope-ladder ladder rope.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
I'm thinking exactly what
you're thinking, my friend.
We are getting out of
here, my niggas. Whoo!
We are getting out
of here, my niggas.
Ha-ha! Whoa, dude.
Dude, yeah, you
can't say that. No?
Wow. I thought I could. I thought
this was a thing we were doing.
Goonies never say the
"N" word. Okay. Fine.
Once we're in the stairwell, we
need to clear the nurses' station...
and the guards at
the front door. Okay.
No problem.
You seen this?
Are you kidding me?
I've been eyeballing that hole
since I first stepped into this joint.
Uh-oh, Teddy. Uh-oh.
It's time. Dumb, dirty doll.
Yeah, good. Good!
You keep working on it.
I'll keep working on the plan.
You just let me know when you're
finished. I'm gonna fill your head, Teddy.
Ooh!
Yeah, these'll work perfectly.
What's goin' on in there?
Can we help you?
Fantastic. Oh, God!
- Oh, yeah. Get outta here.
- Oh, yeah, you dirty animal.
Go! That was close.
- I've started something here
I can't come back from.
- We're finishing this.
- Okay, we should lock eyes.
- Yeah. Try to look
a little dead though.
Mmm. Oh, yeah. More dead.
All right.
This is totally gonna work.
Totally. I mean, he looks good.
- He looks... really good.
- No, he looks really good.
- Oh, it's still Joel.
- Yeah, but he looks amazing.
- No, I'm Joel. I'm still Joel.
- Hi, Mrs. Joel.
Oh, boy.
Oh! Okay, I think
we're clear on the stairs.
We get past the nurses' station.
Biggest problem is gonna be we
don't have the code for this front door.
I know. How are we gonna
get the code to that front door?
Once we have that,
we are out of this place.
We are home free. Home free.
- Okay. Guys?
- What do you think? Anything.
- There's nine numbers
on the key code.
- Yeah.
Nine times two is 18.
Yes. So there's 18, uh, codes.
No. That's not at all math.
That's number one.
Two tacos, 99 cents.
What does that mean?
That doesn't make any sense.
That's a commercial we just saw.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
He is onto something though.
William, where are the tacos?
Oh! Ninety-nine
tacos, two cents.
Yes, yes, yes. Can you get
your hands on these 99 tacos?
That's like 30 tacos each.
- Hey!
- Whoa.
I know what you guys are up to.
- And I want in.
- Absolutely.
All we need is the
code to the front door.
- It's easy. 4-5-3-5.
- Easy to remember. 8-7-4-4.
No, no, no. 7-7-6-9.
- 1-1-1-1.
- Pound, pound, pound.
Square, star, square,
pound, square.
No, no, no, no. Okay, so
it's, "no, no, no, no." Got it.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Twelve! Twelve!
Is it 12? No!
Let's break it down
into numbers, okay?
Four, five, three, five.
But then I don't get a number
and I'm, like, one of the leaders.
That's not fair. Fine.
You guys, I've
got it. It's 4-5-3-5.
You... You got it?
- Okay, we got it.
- We got it.
Now tell me about these tacos.
Good game, guys, good move.
Good move. Good
move, Joel. You got this.
I think you got this. It's not
a game. It's a fake game.
Shut up, shut up. We're
just pretending. Shut up.
Spazz, watch the nurses' station.
I'm gonna go have a cigarette.
All right, I'll come with you.
But I just said to stay here
and watch the nurses' station.
Okay.
Now.
Now. Now.
Joely, boy,
do me proud.
Down the hatch, trash mouth.
Chew, chew, chew.
Something's wrong
with Joel. Oh, no! I care.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, God, oh, God! Oh, no!
Are you all right?
Here. More pills, here.
Open up. Open,
open. Get 'em in there.
Get 'em in there.
Get 'em all in there.
Help! Help! We need more pills!
Hey, Nurse Pram. I'm Nurse Pram.
There's a porno on
TV. What the hell?
Everyone, look! Oh, no!
I'm an inmate who's
crazy... Crazy in love.
A really well done porno
movie's on the screen.
What are those for?
Are you gonna tie me up?
- You'll see.
- I can't wait to see.
Oh, God, yeah. Oh!
It's so hard! It's so hard.
- The rope is so hard!
- Great work.
The reaction we're
getting is fantastic. I know.
That guy is jerking
off so hard right now.
You did a great
job directing this.
Thanks, man.
Is it in?
Is it in? Yeah.
You really got that whole
thing in your ass, man.
Thanks, man. Hey,
Spazanelli, great work.
Call me Spazz.
Call me Spazz. In my face...
- Get the machine.
- This machine?
Yeah. That machine.
We should 100%
do this for a living.
'Cause we love it
and we're great at it.
What's going on in
here? Settle down.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Stop it!
We should get going, guys.
Yeah, we should get going.
- Let's go.
- Get against the wall. Get him over there.
Will you put it back in?
It's in there. Jesus. Oh, is it?
Come here, come
here! I'm so beautiful.
Somebody turn that off!
Shock him. Shock. Shock.
Not sure who that is,
but shock them definitely.
Sho... Actually... No, do sho...
Yeah, don't shock him.
You know what?
Shock him. Who cares?
Thank you, Spazz.
Whoa! Your lunch box.
My lunch box!
This is turning out to
be the best day ever.
- That's nice.
- All right, let me check.
Yeah, visiting
hours are until 8:30.
Shit! There's two
orderlies at the front desk.
- What are we gonna do?
- What are we gonna do?
Nothing! We're screwed.
There's nothing we can do.
We've come all this
way for nothing! No, wait.
I'll distract the guards,
two, three, four.
But then you'll be stuck
in this place forever.
- You won't be able to escape.
- I have all I need.
My numbers... two, three, four.
And my lunch box.
- Aw, gross!
- Anyone want a bite?
No! No!
I'll take care of it.
Me and my lunch box. No!
No problem. You're welcome.
Hi!
William! You know you're
not supposed to be down here!
Guess what number
I'm thinking of.
I don't care what number
you're thinking of. Five!
Three, two, four, one,
four, three, lunch box!
Lunch box!
It's locked. Raf, put in
the code. Put in the code!
- I don't know the code. Greg knows the code.
- Who's Greg?
Greg... black guy with great
ideas. He's part of our gang?
What? Oh, I'm sorry.
The African-American guy!
Now is not the time to be
politically correct, Randy!
You think there's a black
guy that's part of our group?
That's why you keep
saying the "N" word!
Yes, I do because he says it, then I
say it 'cause I want to be cool with him!
There's no patient named
Greg in this facility. Come on!
What? Oh, wait, no, Greg!
Greg! What's the code?
Sorry, buddy. This is
the end of our journey.
There's no one there. You're
not talking to anyone. Oh, no!
Here they come.
Hey, get away from that
door! Get away from that door!
What? Are you serious?
Come on, man! Not cool!
No! No! Rafael, Randall.
Get off of me!
Both of you are gonna
start paying for your actions,
- and there's gonna be major
consequences starting now.
- Ooh!
A little electroshock?
I could use a tune-up.
Both of you have exceeded the
state limit for electroshock therapy.
Awesome! Nice!
You should both be dead.
I've heard that before.
Probably immortal.
You've both been scheduled
for lobotomies tomorrow morning.
What? What?
- No. You can't do that.
- The brain's
the biggest erogenous zone.
- It's done.
- It's done? When?
While I was sleeping? No, I mean
it's done as in it's definitely happening.
Okay. Okay.
- It's scheduled.
- That's bad.
Wait. I know how to
get out of this lobotomy.
Watch this.
I'd like to check myself
out of this facility, please.
- Wait, what?
- I'm here voluntarily.
What? What does that mean?
You know, the state would really
prefer you stay here for further treatment.
You mean get
lobotomized like this idiot?
No, thank you. I need my brain.
Okay, then there's just a few
forms I'm gonna need to sign...
before you go if you wouldn't
mind. Okay, yeah, no problem.
You can't do this!
I don't remember how to write
my name. I'm gonna put a big "X."
That's fine. Great.
There. Excuse me.
And then write your
address right there.
Oh, uh, you know, for now, I'm
just gonna put "under a bridge."
Works for me.
And then just the survey at the
end, and you are out. Oh, yeah.
Um, "hospitality."
Five out of five. Wow.
"Decor." Five out of five.
"Food." Four out of five. 'Cause
of the service. That's fair. Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Before I go, I gotta
tell you something.
I love you too.
That's not what I was
gonna tell you. Okay.
I killed your
family. Wait. What?
Okay, I didn't
technically kill your family,
but the guy who did fall on
your family and squished them...
The falling man? Oh,
yeah. I killed him by accident.
You... You made the falling man
fall? Man, look, you got it easy.
I got to walk through life
remembering all this shit.
You're gonna have that part of your
brain taken out of your head tomorrow.
I want my brain,
and I want to be best friends
with you for the rest of time.
I can't be best friends with a
brainless idiot. I get it. You're cool.
I'll leave you with
these words...
I'll see you on
the flippity-flop.
- All right,
nice meeting you guys.
- Cool beans, man.
Super cool beans. Yeah,
yeah, super cool. All right, oh!
- You're a great guy.
- Oh. Oh! Too slow. That was awkward!
Cool, cool.
Why is everybody
getting along so well?
No! Randy, no!
No! No, Randy!
Don't leave me!
Wow. William, you are playing
so well. You are beating me again.
- Zero plus zero is nine.
- I think that's right.
You are so smart. Rafael.
It's time.
Well, I guess I'll
say my good-byes.
Joel, I know you don't like to be
touched, so I will say good-bye.
Good-bye, Randy.
Four, five, nine... William,
you always have your numbers.
You're a genius.
Neal, take care of William. No.
Well, at least
take care of Joel.
No.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Shall we dance?
Gentlemen.
Wait.
What are we having for dinner?
So in order to perform
a successful lobotomy,
one needs a giant nail... Hmm.
- and a teeny, teeny
little baby hammer.
- Are those medical terms?
And then you press the giant
nail right next to the ear lobe.
Wait, what are you
doing? No, you don't!
That's not how
you do a lobotomy.
A lobotomy, you go
in through the nostril.
I'm doing an ear lobotomy. There
is no such thing as an ear lobotomy.
- I'll do a throat lobotomy.
- There's no brain
in the throat.
- I've done anal lobotomies.
- Okay, I'm listening.
But if you want
a nasal lobotomy,
that's pretty out-there,
but I'm willing to give it a try.
Wait, now?
I'm coming for you, Rafi.
This is gonna be real gross.
Say good-bye to your
thoughts, your dreams...
- and your hopes
for the future.
- What?
Yeah! What the hell?
I'm here to rescue him.
You're too late.
Let's go, homey. Yeah!
You okay? Yeah!
Did they lobotomize
you? I don't know.
Oh, looks like a little bit.
Will you ever be able to forgive
me for what I did to your family?
What family?
Works for me.
Security!
Hey, look!
Whoa! Whoa! Guys!
- Nice!
- Keep that safe for me, Joely.
Looks like we're
getting out of here.
I really did see you
on the flippity-flop.
Oh. Oh, Rafi!
Wake up! Oh, man, he's dead!
I killed my best friend again!
- Oh, God!
- Rafi!
- Oh, no!
- Rebecca Ruxin?
What happened? Rafi!
- What happened to him?
- Oh, Randy murdered him
with his gun.
- Come on, dude!
- You animals!
Don't you leave me!
Don't you leave me!
Not today, my prince! Not today!
Here! Here. Let these guide you
back. Let these guide you back.
Don't go to the light.
Come back to me.
Are you okay? I am
now that you're here.
It's a mitzvah. Yes.
It is a mitzvah.
We are gathered here today...
to join Rebecca and Rafi...
together in holy matrimony.
Congratulations, my friend.
Thanks, man.
Rafi looks so handsome.
Where's Ruxin? Not invited.
Why this man and woman should
not be joined in holy matrimony,
speak now or forever
hold your peace.
I have something I have to say!
You cannot get married.
Not without your best man.
Hey, Brian, take a hike,
you dumb dildo. Thank Christ.
You got a lot of nerve
showing up here.
I got to ask you something,
big man. I'm listening.
Can you forgive
me for what I did...
Smooshing your family
and shooting you?
I do.
Wow.
I made these from the
bullet I shot you with.
Now go make an
honest Jew out of her.
I plan on it.
And with the placing
of these rings,
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Congrats, Rafi!
Get up! Rafi! Rafi!
Get up, you big idiot!
Mmm.
Rafi! Rafi!
Rafi!
I can't believe
mouth-to-mouth worked.
That wasn't mouth-to-mouth.
That was true love's kiss.
You saved my life.
I'll never do anything
to hurt you ever again.
Where'd you get that?
Don't worry about it.
Oh!
Ah, turns out it is still
loaded, guys. My bad.
♪♪