The League (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 7 - The Bringer Show - full transcript

Hey, do you have any
coasters?

No. That's one of the
amazing things about this

place-- you can use the
furniture as actual furniture.

- Go ahead, you should try it.
- This place is way

- better than our house.
- You mean, my house.

Yeah, this place is real...
dicey!

What is that?
Holy shit.

That's not comedy.
You need to take that stand-up

class again, Andre.
I actually am taking that

stand-up class again.
I failed the first time.

But I think it'll be fun to be



the fun doctor around the
office.

Andre, you don't want to be
the funny doctor.

The last car to go down that
road was Patch Adams.

I beg to differ, and that's
why I hope you all join me at my

stand-up comedy showcase.
Oh, no!

Oh, God.
You have to go.

Look, it's a bringer show.
If there's no one in the

audience, I can't perform.
I got a lot bigger problems

than Andre's shitty comedy show.
My buy-week issues are insane.

That's right, you're coming
up against Pete-top,

Kevin-bottom.
I don't give a shit about

that. My players are amazing.
If I pick somebody up, I got to

drop somebody really valuable.
I mean, what am I gonna do, drop

Percy Harvin?
He's coming back.



Don't want to drop him.
Mm-hmm.

I think, at this point, the
smartest thing to do-- not pick

up anybody.
What?

I'm gonna start my team down
two players.

Why?
It's kind of the ultimate

move in fantasy disrespect.
I'm gonna play you with one hand

tied behind my back.
And you're gonna lose.

Am I, though?
Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna beat

you.
Will you?

Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna set
the lineup that's gonna knock

you out of the park.
Will it?

Yeah, 'cause I'm not gonna...
Oh, you think you're gonna make

me overthink this?
It's interesting to think

about.
Well, I'm not going to, okay,

'cause I know I'm gonna win even
when you have your...

I don't know what game you're...
It's not a... I'm fine. I...

I'm not spending any extra time
on this, you're not gonna mess

with my head.
Won't I?

You're not.
Hey, I like your lamp.

It's like a big old dick!
What was that?

That's a joke.

So, Jenny, the philosophy
behind our investment club is to

empower women.
We are very particular about who

we let into the Lucrative Ladies
Club.

Yes, very particular.
We're looking for women who

are... impressive.
You could be impressive.

- You might be impressive.
- I would love to be

impressive.
Okay, and there's also a

social aspect of this club, yes?
We're looking for husbands who

are equally impressive.
My husband... is... very

impressive.
It seems like every day, I catch

myself saying, "I can't believe
you just did that."

Is he well-read?
Well-kept?

Well-spoken?
Well...

What's his name?
Kevin.

Hmm.
Kevin Arian Foster Fitzgerald

Peterson MacArthur, the third.
Hmm.

Hmm.
But ever since his prep

school days, we all just call
him Kip.

Kip.
Mm-hmm.

Kip. I'd love to meet Kip.
Me, too. Thank you.

The other day, I was at the
bank, and, um, my teller was

this old Southern shrimp boat
captain, so I gave him a 20, and

he was like,:
"Oh, a $20 bill.

Oh, now how do you want that?
You want two tens?"

And I was like, "Hey, just give
me whatever you want."

He's like, "No, no, I got to
keep 'em separated.

I keep 'em all separated."
Okay, that's good.

What is that?
Uh, that's... is Crawdad Man.

Remember, class,
just because you don't have

talent doesn't mean you can't
make it in this industry.

I tell myself that every day,
yeah.

It takes hard work,
perseverance.

You want to be the person who
lights their farts on fire at a

party?
No.

Or do you want to be the
person who lights their farts on

fire on a stage?
Whoa, whoa. I can do that?

It's an option for you.
Okay, like a farting mime?

Like, I'll be, like...

No? Okay.
That's something I can work on.

I can work on that.
You need to do your thing.

Okay.
You need to find your truth.

What is your thing?
I don't know. Tell me.

You are an untalented,
uncharismatic, nondescript,

balding white male?
And that's very difficult to

pull off.
That's your thing, so you got

to work with it.
Oh, I need a... I need a

better thing.
I need a thing like-like her

thing, you know?
Well, what's my thing?

You know what your thing is.
No, actually, I don't know

what my thing is.
What's my thing?

You're doing it right now,
right?

What is it? What is it?
What's my thing?

Guys, tell her.
Whatever this thing is that

you say I got, why you can't
tell me what it is?

'Cause I'm not saying it's a
bad thing, not saying it's a

good thing, I like your thing,
but you got a thing.

Okay, that's...
You know what your thing is?

You're an idiot.
How about that?

Okay. By the way, I'm giving
you a compliment, okay?

You know what? Shut up.
What all comics need to do

is you need to say the things
people are afraid to say.

You got to find the specifics.
Gonna bees, uh, specific!

Is that Hitler?
Okay, I got it.

Bitch, let me tell you
something.

Hey, was that supposed to be
me?

Aha. You're admitting you
have a thing.

Please don't make me come up
there.

Okay, Ben, you're next.
Uh, tip your waitress.

Can you stop talking?
Okay. Just...

No, don't tap.
No talking, no...

Okay. Keep 'em separated.
Hmm. "Welcome to the Total

Gym XL."
Height: six-three.

Weight: One... eighty...
163.

"How do you feel?"
Good.

Good overall, but surely, there
are elements that can be

improved.
"I don't appreciate how Jenny is

constantly emasculating me in
front of the guys.

It's embarrassing.
And I'm not exactly where I

thought I'd be in my career.
I figured by this time, I would

be at least Judge MacArthur or
Senator MacArthur.

Certainly not District Attorney
MacArthur."

Assistant District Attorney.
Hey, babe, what you doing?

Hey. What's up?
Look at this, huh?

Yeah.
Got it all ready to go.

You still gonna love me when I'm
jacked?

Does jacked mean you can fit
back into your tux?

Probably not the pants.
Big news.

The LLC approved me.
Oh!

The Lucrative Ladies Club.
I'm in. I'm a lady.

Congratulations.
That's awesome.

I know. I'm so excited.
What kind of club is it?

It's just a really great
group of women, and we talk

about just investments.
Investments?

Yeah.
All right, well, don't worry

about it, okay?
I've got us taken care of.

You do?
Yeah. I've been investing for

years now.
Stocks, CDs, bonds?

No, I've-I've got funds.
Mutual funds?

Not exactly.
Just, more like, you know,

different funds stashed...
throughout the house.

You know, like, I have a pizza
fund and a kid fund and a little

fun fund.
What's a fun fund?

For when, like, I go to the
batting cages.

You go to the batting cages?
I used to, but they make you

wear a helmet, and they don't
have one that fits my head.

Right. It sounds like you
have a really good handle on our

finances.
Yeah, I do.

If you're cool with it, I
might still play around with the

ladies, just for social reasons.
You can do what you want, but

I got us.
Been investing.

I'm all over the place,
diversified.

You're diversified throughout
our house.

I love you.
All right, know that I have

taken care of you.
Remember that.

"I feel like she's beginning to

doubt my financial acumen.
Maybe I should start a

therapist's fund."
No, no, no.

That would just take away from
my pizza fund.

Ooh, pizza would be really good
right now.

So I said to the patient,
"You have Alzheimer's."

And he said to me, "What's the
bad news?"

He died later that month.

Hi, Dr. Ewing, hi.
Oh, Dr. Nowzick, hello.

Hey, how you guys doing
tonight?

It's actually 11:30 a.m.
You ever notice that

hospitals are kind of like the
set of Star Wars?

I mean, what's this guy, uh, a
old school R2-D2?

Like...
Just a medical cart.

Where's that Princess Leia
hologram?

Princess Leia, hello?
Princess Leia?

I wouldn't go... No, that's
not Princess Leia.

That's highly toxic used
needles.

You probably contracted
something.

Oh, well, uh, then help me,
Obi-Wan.

I haven't seen all the Star
Wars movies, but I don't

believe that Obi-Wan can help
you with Hepatitis C.

Thank you.

You know what, if you want
the show to continue, just

follow me right into this room.
Is there a medical emergency

of some kind?
Oh, it's actually a joke

emergency.
We have other rounds to...

Uh, it is... it is actually a
medical emergency, so come,

please, yes?
Oh, my goodness.

What do we have here?
Looks like someone in a coma.

Yes, he appears stable though.

"Oh, hello.
My name's Joe."

I'm beginning to suspect this
is not a medical emergency.

"No, we're just being a
little cheeky, right?

Behave."
This man will be moved to

hospice later today.
Please let him die with dignity

or at least as part of a more
coherent act.

♪ Oh, oh, oh
Barely alive, barely alive ♪

This is the saddest day this
ward has ever seen, and this is

the terminal ward.
Maybe he's, uh, a Southern

- shrimp boat captain.
- "Oh, you got

to keep 'em separated.
You got to keep 'em separated or

they're gonna eat themselves..."
What? What's going on here?

Who are you?
"Hey! Nice sweater!

Bill Cosby called.
He wants his closet back."

We are his family.
Oh.

You must be so proud.
He's in a coma.

So proud and so sad.
So I got to pick a stage name.

I'm thinking either Diamond Doc
Nowzick, huh?

Or I wear all my scrubs and I
call myself Dr. Laughs.

What about Lamey Foxx?
I have a lot of good stuff.

Paula Shitstone.
Okay, what's up with delis,

right? You go into...
Oh, no.

What?
Wait, no, no, no, no, no.

You guys are not supposed
to be here.

Why?
I told you, today is my

Lucrative Ladies Club meeting.
I am trying to maintain the

impression of being a classy,
sophisticated lady about town.

That is your problem right
there.

I have spent all morning
clearing out all of the

classless shit in this house,
and that includes all of you

guys, okay?
So this frittata rodeo has got

to hit the road.
I don't think so.

I drove all the way out to the
suburbs; I'm staying.

Yeah, I need an audience to
workshop my bits.

Fine, you guys can
stay in here.

Do not go in there.
Do not make a sound.

I will let you know when you can
come out.

So we can have our bro time,
we just got to do it Anne Frank

style?

Coming.
My God.

Okay.
Good-bye, trashy magazines.

Maude.
How are you?

It's so good to see you.
Good to see you.

Hello, hi.
Please come in.

Oh, Corbusier.
Did you see the retrospective?

Oh, who didn't?
God, wonderful.

Where's Kip?
Kip?

Yeah.
Kip is doing social work

today.
Mm-hmm. He works with inner-city

kids, teaching them to cook with
gredients from the urban

garden that they planted
together.

Wow, yeah, I've read
about that.

Yeah, I read about that, too.
Yeah, and then from there, he

goes straight to his advanced
Italian class.

He is obsessed with the idea of
writing me poetry in Italian.

Aw.
Aw.

Yeah, he's something else.

That Kip.
Um, you know, I have a plumber

in the garage, I know.
He's plumbing.

Just make yourselves
comfortable.

There's wine and cheese.
All right, great, thank you.

Oh, look at, the kid's got a
block on the outside.

Yeah!

That was a good block.
Hey, shh!

What part of "keep it down"
don't you understand, Kip?

Who's Kip? Hey, hey,
give me that back.

Kevin, just...
No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey!

That's our lifeline!
Bitches be trippin'.

Andre, no.

I can hear something.
I'm basically the father

figure around here.
That is taken care of.

They can't take care of
themselves.

People ask me for advice.
I give it to them.

I don't charge them for it.
Ladies, Taco, hi.

Hey, Jenny.
What are you doing here?

Taco Corp is looking for
funding, so I decided to pop in.

I am so sorry.
And I am so grateful.

Thank you for bringing in a
guest speaker.

All right, Mr. Taco,
let's talk Taco Corp.

What kind of businesses do you
dabble in?

Well, Taco Corp is
multi-faceted.

We have dealings in
telecommunications.

Excellent, excellent.
Ringtones.

Textiles.
Nice.

Pee bibs.
We develop weapons for the

military.
Wow.

The brown note?
We're working on cloud

technology.
Yes, of course.

Our Taco is always in the
cloud.

I'm in the cloud right now.
Wow.

Yeah, and the whole operation
began out of a storage

container.
Whoa.

Whoa.
That he still lives in.

And what kind of tax
shelter do you recommend?

I don't recommend shelters at
all.

Stop using them three years ago.
Very risky.

You can get murdered in one of
those things.

Wow, you're operating on a
whole different level than us.

That's the cloud.
Oh, cheers, cheers.

To Taco Corp.
Taco Corp.

To Taco Corp.
Oh, boy.

Mmm, mmm.
More.

the Cowboys?
Yes, please.

Yes, please.
You guys hungry?

We have bread, we have meat,
we have cheese.

I love you, good-bye.
Whoa, hey.

You know, sometimes she treats
me like an animal.

I'm not an animal.

What is that?
This is Kevin's diary, where

he writes all of his specific
thoughts about his reps.

Observation notebook.
It's my journal, and I'm not

doing this here, all right?
So, thank you.

Well, one thing I can do here
is make an announcement.

Pete, I will also be playing
seven players this weekend.

So you are gonna lose fair and
square, my friend.

Why would you do that?
Well, 'cause he's never gonna

let me live it down.
If I beat him and he's only got

seven players, he's gonna make a
whole thing out of it.

That's stupid, Ruxin.
You realize that just because

you are the Sacko, you don't
have to actually be the worst.

Yeah, and he doesn't even
have a choice.

You have a choice.
So I'll just play

all nine guys.
Are you gonna welch now?

What?
You gonna chicken out?

Oh, yeah, now you can't welch.

Welcher! You're a
welcher, bro.

You said you were gonna
do it; now you're not gonna

do it. Flip-flop, flip-flop...
You know what, guys, if he

wants to start an extra player,
let him start Wes Welcher.

It's fine.
You know what...

Oh, oh, very funny.
You know what, the puppeteer

moving all the strings here.
This is all collusion.

You guys have been planning this
from the beginning, and you know

what, I've had enough!
I don't need this. I'm out.

You brought this on.
I'm leaving, I'm leaving.

Bye, Wes Welcher.
Hey, Kevin, your wife,

Ariel Castro's, locked us in the
garage.

I'm going out the garage door!
Hey, do you have

a funny bone?
Find out at my comedy show.

Come on, hey, all right.
What are you doing on Monday?

There you go, all right.
Comedy consultations.

The doctor is in.
Yes, thank you.

What? Hey, give me those.
My associates and I would

like to build a paper boat!
Just stop making a scene and

go please.
By the way, you smell of

feces.
It's not me; it's you.

Kettle black.
Good day.

Oh... hey.
Hey!

Good day!

Uh, actually, sir...
I can't believe Taco got the

LLC to go to Andre's stupid
stand-up show.

Taco told them it was worth
seeing.

They listen to everything Taco
says.

Who listens to anything Taco
says?

I don't know.
The other day he called me up

to tell me, "I like biscuits."
I like biscuits.

I like biscuits, too.
But then he sent me a text later

on: "I still like biscuits."
I don't know what to tell

you, but the ladies love him.
So we're going.

Awesome.
So, uh, when do you want to

leave?
Oh. Um...

I mean, I have errands to run.
I can run errands.

Tampons.
I'm great with tampons now.

I look directly at the cashier
and I say, "Tampons, please,"

with a big smile.
It's a power trip for me.

You know what?
I was just thinking we'd take

separate cars.
Wait, wait, wait.

You don't want to be seen with
me?

I want to impress the
Lucrative Ladies!

Go ahead, go ahead.
Go out, hang out with your

friends.
I love you.

I feel like I look fine,
though.

I really do.
Is this sweatshirt on backwards?

'Cause the loops go down both
sides, and I-I...

Oh, bye, Kevin.
...I put it on both ways.

I'll see you there.

Where's my journal?

Where's my journal?
What'd she do with my journal?

Where'd she put it?
Oh!

Did someone put it in here?!
Jenny left, I can't find my journal.

It's got to be here somewhere.

Oh...
Oh, God!

God, c-come on.
Oh, I got to go.

Oh, I got to go! Oh...
Great. I'm a mess.

And I have no time to change.
Okay.

Got to do what you got to do.

Ah!
Good evening, madam.

We are here to see Dr. Laughs.
Nope, I'm sorry.

Not tonight, guys.
But we have a legally binding

contract.
And we have a dress code.

And I have a bathrobe.
We demand service!

We demand...
Hi, hi!

These are my guests, and, uh,
they can put it all on the card.

Now I can perform 'cause I have
the right number of people,

right?
Okay.

Okay, we have a two-drink
minimum.

Uh, don't worry.
It's all going on the card.

Oh...
God.

Smells like a diaper party.
Yeah, except nobody's wearing a

diaper.
What can I get you to drink?

Ah.
Do you have any wood alcohol?

No.
I guess we'll have six red

wine and Cokes.
Hello!

Hi.
Hello, girlfriend.

Hi, girlfriend.
I was just asking Mr. Taco

here what his next move in the
market's gonna be.

Oh.
Market, well...

My gut's telling me that I
should be buying some fruit.

The produce sector.
Very intriguing.

You're so brilliant.
I know.

Are you guys sleeping together?

Define "sleeping."
Hey, everybody, thanks for

coming to the Bringer Showcase!
I know you're all here because

you had to be here, uh...
that's why I'm here.

So let's give it up for Diamond
Doc Nowzick!

Dr. Laughs.

Dr. Laughs.
Let's give it up for Dr.

Laughs.
You know, I'm kind of feeling

the other one.
I feel we should go back.

Andre, come up here.
Yeah, let's give it up.

Yeah.
All right.

Yeah.
Hey, everybody!

By the time you're done tonight,
you're gonna need an emergency

chuckle-ostomy.
You ever notice, uh, when you're

going to the bathroom out in a
public place, there's always

like, a, uh, long line for the
ladies', very short line for the

men's room...
Here comes Crawdad Man.

But in the middle there's a
Southern boat captain who's

like, "Oh!
You gotta keep 'em separated!"

'Cause, uh, you know, he's,
like, Crawdad Man.

Uh, excuse me.
Yes, uh, some crowd work.

When does the comedy start?

Maybe we'll do some
observational stuff.

Uh...
How about we observe you

leaving the stage?

This is amazing.
Andre is losing a battle of wits

with a hobo.
Yeah.

I thought you took the
Hippocratic Oath to not make us

sick.

Well, and I thought you took
an oath of the audience member,

which is to be quiet during the
show.

I will.
Just let me know when the show

starts.

That's what your m said
before I had sex with her.

Well, now you have gonorrhea.

Really, everything's coming
up Ruxin.

I get to see Andre flail
publicly, I'm gonna eke out a

two-point win versus you,
mano y mano.

You know, there's still the
Falcons and the Jets playing

right now.
Yeah, but you don't have

anybody playing that game.
Unless I decided last

minute to pick up, like, a
Harry Douglas and a Kellen

Winslow off the free agent pile.
You know, just to get a couple

of points.
No, that's not fair.

That's collusion!
How is that collusion?

You're colluding with me
against myself!

Whoa, hey, simmer down there,
fella.

I don't come to your job and
knock the mop out of your hands.

I'm not a janitor, Andre.
But you did just get broomed.

Hey, you guys like insult humor.

All right.
Hi.

Uh, I'm here for Dr. Laughs or
Dr. Giggles...

I don't know what he's calling
himself-- the unfunny doctor?

Right this way.
Who do we got?

Your friends are right over
here.

No, I-I don't... I don't
know these people.

Ugh, more homeless.
They'll let anybody in.

It's gross.
Take a seat, we have a show

going on.
I don't have anyone...

Nice outfit, sir.
What do you call that?

Homeless chic?
Where'd you get that?

From sleeping in your car?
Like he has a car!

Shut up... oh. Oh!

Hey... hello.
God, no.

No!
Ew!

Ew!
Oh, my God, do you know this

guy?
No.

Yeah, she does.
That's her husband.

That's Kip?
Kip?

Kip?
Hey, Kip.

What the hell.
This is my husband Kevin.

He keeps money in shoeboxes, is
a total shit pig, and he is so

much more fun than you guys.
Good night.

Whoa, Jenny!
What are you wearing?

I-I was really late, and I
can't find my diary.

Maybe it's because I found it.

You guys want to hear a
passage from his diary?

No, no, Andre, those are my
private reps!

"Sometimes I wish I married
someone smarter, because then at

least my kids would have a
chance to get a real job."

What?

I don't... that's crazy.
"I swear, half of my wife's

vocabulary is just curse words."
Oh, eat a dick, Andre.

Whoa!

Her mouth is so dirty, you guys
wouldn't even sleep in it.

What kind of woman are you?
I'm awesome.

The kind of woman who takes
her husband from behind.

Kind of like I just did to
your team.

Oh, you watch your mouth.
Whoa, these guys are

fighting, these guys are
fighting.

You know what you gotta do?
You gotta keep 'em separated!

Bravo! Bravo!

Taco!
Oh, hey, Luther.

You owe me $16 and a bag of
old dinner rolls.

Why would you write something
like that?

That was... those weren't my
thoughts, that was just what I

was thinking!
Oh, come on, dummy.

For your information, I'm not
the one who screwed you here.

Yes, you are!
I just convinced you to take

your own dick and screw your own
ass.

Well, let me tell you
something, Pete!

It feels just about the same!
You know the rules, Luther.

If you don't keep your dinner
rolls in your cart, they're

anyone's rolls.

Whoa!
That's my time!

You guys have been great!
Keep 'em separated.