The League (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 6 - Heavy Petting - full transcript
Taco Corp. starts a petting zoo business, Kevin and Ellie rebel when Jenny tries to get the family to adopt a healthier lifestyle. Pete uses Andre as a Trade Maid.
JENNY: I have snacks.
PETE: Thank God.
You're welcome.
This is a joke, right?
No, we're on a bit of a
health kick.
KEVIN: We're doing the
healthy thing now.
RUXIN: Oh, since the "muffalo
wing" incident?
(laughter)
No, I just love my family and
I want us to eat healthy, so we
got rid of all our junk food and
are taking vitamins.
All I think about is bacon.
Ha-ha, married people
problems.
You know, you all should
thank me.
You're disgusting.
Yeah, but that's just our
personalities, though.
Honestly, Jenny's not wrong.
The only one here in decent
shape is Andre.
ANDRE: Oh, thank you for
noticing.
Would you mind giving us a
little tutorial?
I mean, what have you been
doing?
As a matter of fact, I can.
See, you can do everything that
I do in the privacy of your own
home.
I always like to start off with
a squat.
It's kind of the most natural
way to kind of begin anything.
Just get deep as you can go.
Drop in.
What happens if you get
resistance, what do you do?
You just want to push right
through it.
Push, push until you can get
down, down, down, down, down,
down, down, deep as you can, and
it's gonna hurt, you know.
Okay.
But you got to just push
through it and then explode.
Oh.
Oh, nice.
You have a great core.
Is there anything specifically
you do for that?
Indeed I do.
I do a plank.
So you just kind of lay down...
and take it.
This is great because you're
doing two muscles at a time.
Mm-hmm.
Two is about the minimum.
You can always take two at once
because then you're activating
two different parts of your
body.
Now I'm just getting worked up
right now.
Yeah.
Now, do you find yourself
getting hard while this is
happening?
(laughter)
Well, I find this whole thing
is hard, but, you know, I just
got my bros to help me get
through it.
Yeah, do you do it with other
jacked dudes, or what?
Oh... I love doing it with
jacked dudes.
No matter how many times you
say, "Stop, stop, stop," they
will not let you, and then
you're thankful and you're
pretty sore.
Well, you seem to be exhausted.
You earned this.
Oh, thank you very much.
Mmm, ha-ha-ha.
Tip's got the most nerve endings.
Mmm... all right, I'm out.
I got to go set up for Baby
Geoffrey's party.
Is it his birthday?
No, it's not his birthday.
It's for his soccer team.
Were they undefeated?
No, they lost every single game.
Why can't kids just be losers
anymore?
Well, Ruxin, you have years
of expertise.
You should show 'em how.
That's right, there's a
perfect example sitting right on
your mantel.
Hasn't Baby Geoffrey lost
enough having Ruxin as a dad?
Andre, why would say
something so purposefully
hurtful?
What? I'm just...
You don't know the power of
your words.
I hold you in very high esteem,
and when you make fun of me, it
stings.
It's a joke, we all make
jokes.
Andre, we would never say
something like that to you.
Mm-mm.
I'm so sorry, look, he
doesn't think you're a loser...
You-You know what?
It's too much.
I got to get out of here and go
get supplies.
Why don't you just have Sofia
get the supplies?
Because, since last week was
my bye week, she's on her bye
week this week in Miami.
TACO: Gentlemen, the word
"taco" is no longer synonymous
with hot dogs and hamburgers.
Taco's Truck has served its last
customer.
Aw.
Oh, thank God.
I know you're all upset, but
the food industry's way too
complicated.
And who wants to wash their
hands, like, three times a day?
Ugh.
That can't be healthy.
So, what's happening with
Uncle Frank's van now?
I turned Taco's Truck into a
puppy petting zoo.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense,
sure.
Yeah.
It's the perfect business.
Hardly any overhead.
All you have to do is show up at
kids' parties, bar mitzvahs,
orgies, let people pet the dogs,
they give you money for it.
Who would hire you to do one
of these parties?
Uh, your super sexy wife.
I'm doing Baby Geoffrey's party
tomorrow.
(Pete laughs)
Yeah.
I would rather set up a back
rub station run by Jerry
Sandusky.
Oh, if he's available, just
tell him to come by.
Aah!
Guys, I keep onng goi through
it over and over again.
I-I think I really upset Ruxin.
Kevin.
You urinated all over the floor.
It's not my fault that you
gave me these vitamins that
change my pee color like some
sort of sick Willy Wonka trick.
What?
The color is neither here nor
there.
The fact is, you didn't get it
in the bowl.
I got a lot of it in the
bowl.
That's not that bad.
Yeah, honestly, you get 70%
of it in the bowl, you're doing
great.
You guys put the pee bib
around the toilet?
That's genius.
Yeah, you know, it catches
all the remnants.
Wait, wait, the remnants?
That's a full meal.
That's not a meal.
That's, that's a couple
sessions' worth, Andre.
That's not one shot.
Is there a diet that makes
any of you less foul?
Oh! Oh.
Ah, it's not that bad, actually.
Look.
"Now, what do you kids want for
Christmas?"
Thanks for driving me all the
way back to the city, Andre, I
appreciate it.
Of course, and by the way, I
wanted to talk to you a little
bit about a trade.
Do not offer me Randy Moss.
I do not know why you drafted
him, I do not know why you still
have him.
First of all, he can come
back.
Just watch, watch, okay?
Look, but I'm not talking about
that.
You have great running backs.
I have a great backup QB.
I got amazing wide receivers.
Let's, uh, see if we can get on
the dance floor.
Do a little dance.
A little trade dance, right?
It's an interesting
proposition, I just... you know,
I got to come up for air first.
What the hell does that mean,
"come up for air"?
I'm swamped right now, man.
My work's kicking my ass, and I
got a lot of stuff to do around
the house.
Just a bad time, you know.
Take a second, we'll just get
out our phones, we'll do it
right now.
A-Andre, I can't even think
past one minute from now,
honestly.
If I was gonna consider this, I
would need to take a bunch of
stuff off my plate.
I don't even have groceries in
my house right now.
We'll get you groceries.
We'll stop at the storon the
way home.
Great, here's a little list
for you.
Wait, you want me to get you
groceries?
Yeah, I could just crush some
e-mails while you're in there if
that's cool.
"Milk"?
Do you want, like, one percent,
almond milk...?
Sorry, Andre, I'm just
slaying some voice mails real
quick.
"Salad stuff"?
What does "salad stuff" even
mean?
Is that, like, the dressings or
the things inside the salad?
All right, Ian, here you go.
This is your trophy for not
crying that one time.
On your way.
Geoffrey, you're not much of a
physical specimen, but you can
hoard orange slices with the
best of 'em.
Here you go, bud.
Yay!
Do I get a trophy?
No, sweetie, these trophies
are for losers.
Go play with them.
Aw.
I'm coming for you, losers.
Yeah, uh, speaking of losers,
what happened to your pants
there, Jackson Pollack?
Did an alien finish on you?
(Jenny sighs)
I spilled some pesto.
When did you have pesto?
I dribbled in my pants.
I peed my pants a bit.
A small bit, it's just a
dribble.
That looks like a double
dribble, at least a walk.
Flagrant foul.
I was out of pee bibs, and I
was trying to check my lineup
and e at the same time.
Classic tinker tinkle.
(horn plays "La Cucaracha")
Oh, what is...?
What is this?
Heavy Pet...
Ha-ha.
God, what are you doing?
Gentlemen, the puppy party
has arrived.
You're driving around in a
van that says "Heavy Petting"?
Yeah.
You got to use a pun name in the
pet industry.
It's like a rule.
I was thinking about "Pup Pup
and Away" or "Pup Tents," but
market research pointed to this.
What market research, Taco?
Just me thinking about stuff.
That's not even a pun, Taco.
It's just a sex act.
Ugh, get your minds out of
the gutter, please.
Kids!
Who's up for some heavy petting?
Yay!
(dogs barking)
Well, hi, doggie doggie.
Oh, you're so...
Oh, he's smiling.
That means he likes you.
Oh, no, no.
Ew!
Yeah, yeah, bite the neck,
that's good.
Just like I taught you.
Jesus, Taco, half these dogs
can't walk.
Yeah, which means they're
great for petting.
They're not puppies, Taco,
they're just old dogs.
I don't know how old they
are, but I guarantee they're
puppies.
You know "puppy" is not a
breed?
No, it's an ethnicity, like
"Canadian" or "vampire."
This guy's a purebred puppy.
Purebred.
This guy's a mutt.
Half-puppy, half-poodle, I
think.
What you basically have here
is a mobile pet cemetery, and I
think that one might be a cat.
(cat meows)
Oh, do you think people will
notice?
Hey, your dog bit my kid.
No, no, he probably just gave
him a little "teeth hug."
Come on, Carson, we're
getting out of here.
What?
If it makes you feel any
better, that kid's a total bed
wetter.
(Taco sighs)
What did I tell you, puppies?
No biting.
Bad puppies.
(device buzzes, dogs bark)
Whoa, hey, stop.
Taco.
Taco, you don't need to do
all of 'em.
It's not Bow-schwitz.
They appreciate that I treat
'em all equally.
Rodney!
Excuse me, it's my nightmare
neighbor.
Oh, I love the dog wiener.
Oh, it's-it's "wiener dog,"
sweetheart.
No, it's a "puppy wiener."
Smile.
That'll be $40, please.
Everybody calls me Ruxin.
Well, I don't.
What do you want?
Your dogs have been peeing on
my lawn.
Not my problem, lady.
(dog growls)
Would you stop growling?
Bad dog.
(device buzzes, dog barks)
(whimper, thud)
Uh-oh.
I don't have any dogs.
Look!
Those are puppies.
They pee.
Stay with me, Zeke.
Do not go towards the light.
You stay.
Okay.
Clear!
You're such a liar!
That's why your wife left you.
She didn't leave me, she's on
vacation.
(laughing): Oh, right.
Okay, mouth to mouth.
No, stop, Taco.
Taco, oh, God.
Taco, that's enough.
Oh, where has that tongue
been?
These guys are gonna need so
much therapy.
Well, you know, if I find
another pee spot, I'm gonna slap
the dickens out of you!
Really?
All right, kids, grab a
shovel, we're gonna play "puppy
funeral."
Wh-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop the clock, stop the clock.
Your party's over.
We're not burying dogs with
these children around.
Well, is there a ditch we
could chuck it into?
Put him in the van.
No, there's already two dogs
in there.
Oh.
Mom, Dad, look at this
picture of me and Zoey.
Isn't she so cute?
Mm-hmm.
The elderly puppy is super cute,
but it is dinnertime now, babe,
please eat.
This is not dinner.
I don't know why we're calling
it that.
What?
What i-- what is this?
This is broccolini, tofu, and
kale?
I ca-- I can't do this, I need
protein.
You know what?
I did forget one thing.
I'll be back.
Is it dessert?
No, it's the vitamins.
Oh, not those green pills.
They taste like compost.
Um, babe, I got to use the
bathroom.
Okay.
(whispering): Hey, hey, come
on, let's go, follow me.
What?
Shh, just shh.
Me, too.
Okay.
What are we doing?
Shh.
Okay, go, go, go, go.
All right.
Listen, this is the quiet cave.
And you can never tell Mommy
what you sawn here, okay?
What's that?
Feast your eyes... on this.
Oh, Dad, it's gross.
No, no, no, no, it's covered
in plastic bags, and the water
in here is perfectly clean, and
Mommy will never think to look
inside here.
Ha-ha.
Ah.
So, milady, I ask you, care
to join me for a dinner party?
Why, I would love to join you
for a dinner party.
I'll set the table.
Uh-uh-uh, pinkies up when we eat
our licorice.
Cheers.
Oh, it seems you spilled a
little bit in the corner of your
mouth.
May I get that for you?
Oh, lovely.
Rodney!
(Ruxin groans)
Everybody calls me Ruxin.
Rodney?
Yes, Mrs. Hatch?
I told you before that I want
to keep your dogs off of my
lawn.
As I told you before, I don't
have any dogs.
So, I'm supposed to believe
that you're the one peeing on
the lawn?
Yeah, yeah, I'm peeing all
over your lawn.
That's wh...
Ow!
Oh, God!
Ow!
And I'm taking this bracelet,
too.
That's not a bracelet, it's
a...
Oh, no, it's mine.
It was on my property.
Thank you.
You know what, go ahead.
Keep it.
And keep the curtains of mine
that you're wearing as a dress.
Yes.
Hey, Pete, do you think maybe
later todawe can talk about
that trade?
You know, my head's just so
full right now.
I think maybe just finish off my
eight-hour online traffic school
and then we can talk about it,
okay?
Almost done.
Great.
You got it.
Thanks.
Why is Andre building you an
end table?
Well, the rest of my bedroom
set's already done.
This is the last piece.
You made him your trade maid.
Trade maid.
You sly little devil.
Mmm.
Guys, do you believe this?
You got to park 12 inches away
from the curb when you parallel
park.
Crazy.
Crazy.
Yeah, right?
I got the snacks, huh?
Yes!
Let's get rid of this healthy
crap, let's go.
Oh, yeah.
Why are these all wet?
'Cause I keep them in the
back of the toilet.
Oh!
What?
What... Why?
What?
I have to.
Jenny can't find out where I
keep it.
Huh? Licorice?
No, no, thanks.
I'll skip the crappetizers.
Yeah, no toilunch for me.
Andre?
Yeah?
Huh?
Oh, I love the gummies.
Yeah.
Why is this all wet?
Uh, freezer burn.
Oh. I love it.
Keep me cool.
Yeah, I know you do.
Gummies for dummies.
Yeah!
What the...?
Is that my scarf?
Aw, come on.
Um, your scarf?
Get up, come on.
What are you doing?
That is... No...
That is my, that is, that is
my scarf, okay?
(laughs)
Now, that is... (grunts)
This is my scarf, not a toy.
All right.
Go fetch, girl!
(laughs)
That is my hat.
Dude, I was doing you a
favor.
You are a brat, you know
that?
An inconsiderate brat.
Whoa, wait, watch it, Andre.
Hey, Andre, did I just walk
into my house and hear you yell
at my kid?
Yeah, 'cause she's being a
jackass.
Hey.
Yeah, well, she's our
jackass.
We made her that way.
Your daughter needs to be
punished, and that dog needs to
be put down.
Why don't we just wait a week
on the dog?
Yeah, where'd that puppy go?
The wiener ran away.
It's ironic, 'cause usually
wiener make a beeline for
Andre's buns.
Fives.
Fives.
Andre, you're a bad person.
You scared the puppy away.
Look, I am so sorry.
No!
Zoey?
Zoey!
Way to go, Andre.
(sighs)
She's the one who's throwing
my hat.
(Taco sighs)
I lost so many puppies this
week.
Mostly to death or something
called osteoporosis.
Hey, I think I've seen her
jumping rope in the
neighborhood.
Oh, that makes sense.
She does a lot of tricks.
What's "semi-trained"?
It means she's good with
number one, but she'll number
two just about anywhere.
Just plops them all over the
place.
How old is she?
Nine, I guess.
But she looks a lot older.
Uh, it gets her into trouble
quite a bit, as you can imagine.
Oh.
Oh, God, I hope she doesn't
come back pregnant.
Look, if you see her, can you
just grab her?
Like, she's gonna kick and
scream a lot, but just throw her
in a dark room, she'll calm
down, and then you give me a
call and I'll come pick her up.
You are sick.
You need medication.
Well, I got news for you,
sister, I'm already on a lot of
medication.
(Ruxin sighs)
Geoffrey, no!
Stop, Baby Geoffrey, stop.
I can't stop!
I know it's tough when you
get the pee train in motion,
buddy, but you got to stop.
Geoffrey, who taught you to do
that?
Uncle Rafi. He told me it
was bad to hold it in.
Yeah, but you can't pee on
people's lawns.
Especially Nanny Pacquiao's,
okay?
'Cause when you pee on green
grass, it turns it yellow.
(gasps) That's it!
Oh.
I think it's good.
I really thought we were
going to lunch.
This is lunch.
This is... this is salad
shake.
I want food, real food that
people consume.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Ew, what is that?
That's you.
How many pounds does it take to
change a lightbulb?
Oh, God.
Drink up.
Oy.
Oh, it tastes like the back
of a lawn mower.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
You know him?
No. He was just staring at
us, though.
Maybe because you were
screaming about how horrible the
drinks are here.
Everyone here knows it's
horrible. They just...
They're buying into it.
That's how people...
No.
Oh, God.
No.
BOTH: No!
No, no, that's not...
Oh, my God.
She's our daughter.
Sweetheart, tell everyone
that we are your parents.
Yeah.
My real pents wouldn't make
me eat crap like this.
What? No.
No, no, no, you can eat
whatever you want-- ice cream.
Twinkies.
Ho Hos.
Gummy bears.
Skittles.
Whipped cream right in your
mouth. What do you want?
I want some of the sausage
Daddy showed me in the bathroom.
No! No, no.
Right, that's a secret.
No. Secret? Secrets.
All right, got to...
No. L's go, come on.
We got to go, we got to go.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey! Ow!
Hey, Daddy's little girl.
Ha, ha.
Ow! You're hurting me!
(grunts, breathes heavily)
Okay, that's most of the bedroom
set.
Great, can you return it to
the store, now, please?
Are you playing Minesweeper?
I told you how swamped I am,
Andre.
I need the stress relief.
This trade's never gonna
happen, is it?
Andre, this is the last favor
I need from you, okay?
Okay.
Thank you.
Little help?
Ooh, cleared the board.
(sighs)
Can no one change toilet
paper in this house?
Just...
Oh, my God.
He hit all of the toilet paper,
not one, just...
Hey, Jenny.
Hi. What the...?
(Taco sings)
Whoa!
Why is there food in my toilet?
Just the cheese is mine.
The rest of that junk is
Kevin's.
What?!
Brothers.
Always cramping your space.
See you later.
Kevin!
Hey, was Taco just...?
Oh, no.
You've been eating secret
meals on the toilet?
Not secret meals.
They're-they're crappetizers.
Oh, God.
Hey, um...
Oh, another elegant MacArthur
family meal.
Do you guys have any of those
vitamins that make your pee
green?
Yes. Please, take them.
Thank you.
Bon appétit, Wolfgang Schmucks.
You're starving me out, here,
babe.
I'll make you a smoothie.
I don't want a smoothie.
I want salty, fat meat in my
mouth.
Pete's donger's available.
You had to see that one coming.
Is the dog gonna be okay?
Yeah, he'll be fine.
Took one of his wheels off so no
one would steal him.
Ah. Smart thinking.
Yeah. Eat up.
You know what you're going home
to.
Oh, at least I got my dad's
toilet food.
Your dad's a smart man.
Toilet tank's the best place to
keep food.
I got fruits and vegetables at
Ruxin's toilet.
I got, uh, cheese and meats at
Kevin's toilet.
Also have some hard-boiled eggs
and mayonnaise at a toilet down
at the, uh, Sears Tower in case
I'm downtown and want some egg
salad.
Whew!
That was a lot of food.
Real food.
Yeah.
Thanks for paying.
I'll get the next one.
Hey, can I have a ride home?
Sorry, kid.
No can do.
Headed downtown to find some new
puppies.
But... I don't know how to
get home.
Right.
I'm being irresponsible.
Here.
It's a compass.
"N" is this way, and I think
you live somewhere this way...
ish.
Hyah! Hyah! Let's go, boy.
Let's go.
Oh, my God, this is working.
(cackles)
Rodney!
Everybody calls me uxin."
I knew it was you who was
peeing on my lawn.
I'm fixing your lawn.
Put that little cocktail
weenie away.
I can't. Once the pee train's
left the station, there's no
turning back.
Well, I'll put it away for
you, here.
No!
Come here with that little
cocktail weenie, you...
No!
Come here. Come here! I'll
get that from you. Oh, get...
No, Mrs. Hatch.
I'll get that from you.
Always whining, always whining.
(imitates whining)
Hey, you keep whining, you're
gonna get zapped again.
Don't think I'm not gonna get
you, little Rodney.
No, stop it!
Give it to me.
Fine, you leave me no choice.
(Ruxin whimpers)
(yelling)
What the...?
Come on, what the hell's wrong
with this thing?
Hey, bad dog.
(groaning)
Whoa. What happened here, huh?
What's going on, Ruxin?
Not much. You know what.
I think the dog's still
growling.
What did I tell you?
Bad boy!
(zapping, groaning)
Hey, Sofia.
Hey, is that Ellie?
(Ellie cries quietly)
Hey, hey, little girl.
What's up?
Come on.
No.
Want a ride?
No!
What are you doing so far
away from home?
Taco left me.
Oh, well, come on, get in the
van, we'll have some fun.
Look...
No. I don't want to get in
the van.
I'm so sorry about the things
that happened between us, but,
look, I can't have you walk home
by yourself. I...
Get in the van.
I got... I got, uh... candy.
I don't want candy from you.
Five-four-five to Central.
I got eyes on a potential perp.
Vehicle says "Heavy Petting."
Ellie, I can't have you walk
home by yourself.
Your parents would kill me.
Uh-uh.
Okay, you know what?
That's it.
You're getting in the van.
Come with me.
No.
Come on, come on!
No, stop it!
Come on, get in the van.
Don't put me in the van!
I don't want to get in the van!
Just get in the van.
I'm moving in. I'm moving in.
Get in the van and be quiet.
I don't want to get in your van.
No!
Get in that van. There.
There! Stay in there, okay?
We're gonna play games, we're
gonna have fun.
I don't want to play games in
your van.
It's a secret between
me and you, that's it.
No one has to know.
You sick bastard!
(both grunt)
Hey, Pete, it's Andre.
Trade go through?
The trade did go through.
With Ted.
What?
But I did all those chores and
favors.
I helped clear your head.
I don't make trades with
alleged sex offenders.
And you did clear my head.
I really appreciate it.
And once my head was clear, I
realized that was a terrible trade.
Well, can you at least bail
me out of jail?
(whispers): Pete, they're
monsters in here.
They used part of my scarf as
toilet paper.
You know what. I'm totally underwater right now.
I'm slogging through e-mails.
Maybe later this afternoon,
okay?
Hello? Hello?
You realize you're literally
doing what a dog does right now?
Yeah. Jenny will never look in here.
Ooh, Ding Dongs.
Hey! Get your own pot.
PETE: Thank God.
You're welcome.
This is a joke, right?
No, we're on a bit of a
health kick.
KEVIN: We're doing the
healthy thing now.
RUXIN: Oh, since the "muffalo
wing" incident?
(laughter)
No, I just love my family and
I want us to eat healthy, so we
got rid of all our junk food and
are taking vitamins.
All I think about is bacon.
Ha-ha, married people
problems.
You know, you all should
thank me.
You're disgusting.
Yeah, but that's just our
personalities, though.
Honestly, Jenny's not wrong.
The only one here in decent
shape is Andre.
ANDRE: Oh, thank you for
noticing.
Would you mind giving us a
little tutorial?
I mean, what have you been
doing?
As a matter of fact, I can.
See, you can do everything that
I do in the privacy of your own
home.
I always like to start off with
a squat.
It's kind of the most natural
way to kind of begin anything.
Just get deep as you can go.
Drop in.
What happens if you get
resistance, what do you do?
You just want to push right
through it.
Push, push until you can get
down, down, down, down, down,
down, down, deep as you can, and
it's gonna hurt, you know.
Okay.
But you got to just push
through it and then explode.
Oh.
Oh, nice.
You have a great core.
Is there anything specifically
you do for that?
Indeed I do.
I do a plank.
So you just kind of lay down...
and take it.
This is great because you're
doing two muscles at a time.
Mm-hmm.
Two is about the minimum.
You can always take two at once
because then you're activating
two different parts of your
body.
Now I'm just getting worked up
right now.
Yeah.
Now, do you find yourself
getting hard while this is
happening?
(laughter)
Well, I find this whole thing
is hard, but, you know, I just
got my bros to help me get
through it.
Yeah, do you do it with other
jacked dudes, or what?
Oh... I love doing it with
jacked dudes.
No matter how many times you
say, "Stop, stop, stop," they
will not let you, and then
you're thankful and you're
pretty sore.
Well, you seem to be exhausted.
You earned this.
Oh, thank you very much.
Mmm, ha-ha-ha.
Tip's got the most nerve endings.
Mmm... all right, I'm out.
I got to go set up for Baby
Geoffrey's party.
Is it his birthday?
No, it's not his birthday.
It's for his soccer team.
Were they undefeated?
No, they lost every single game.
Why can't kids just be losers
anymore?
Well, Ruxin, you have years
of expertise.
You should show 'em how.
That's right, there's a
perfect example sitting right on
your mantel.
Hasn't Baby Geoffrey lost
enough having Ruxin as a dad?
Andre, why would say
something so purposefully
hurtful?
What? I'm just...
You don't know the power of
your words.
I hold you in very high esteem,
and when you make fun of me, it
stings.
It's a joke, we all make
jokes.
Andre, we would never say
something like that to you.
Mm-mm.
I'm so sorry, look, he
doesn't think you're a loser...
You-You know what?
It's too much.
I got to get out of here and go
get supplies.
Why don't you just have Sofia
get the supplies?
Because, since last week was
my bye week, she's on her bye
week this week in Miami.
TACO: Gentlemen, the word
"taco" is no longer synonymous
with hot dogs and hamburgers.
Taco's Truck has served its last
customer.
Aw.
Oh, thank God.
I know you're all upset, but
the food industry's way too
complicated.
And who wants to wash their
hands, like, three times a day?
Ugh.
That can't be healthy.
So, what's happening with
Uncle Frank's van now?
I turned Taco's Truck into a
puppy petting zoo.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense,
sure.
Yeah.
It's the perfect business.
Hardly any overhead.
All you have to do is show up at
kids' parties, bar mitzvahs,
orgies, let people pet the dogs,
they give you money for it.
Who would hire you to do one
of these parties?
Uh, your super sexy wife.
I'm doing Baby Geoffrey's party
tomorrow.
(Pete laughs)
Yeah.
I would rather set up a back
rub station run by Jerry
Sandusky.
Oh, if he's available, just
tell him to come by.
Aah!
Guys, I keep onng goi through
it over and over again.
I-I think I really upset Ruxin.
Kevin.
You urinated all over the floor.
It's not my fault that you
gave me these vitamins that
change my pee color like some
sort of sick Willy Wonka trick.
What?
The color is neither here nor
there.
The fact is, you didn't get it
in the bowl.
I got a lot of it in the
bowl.
That's not that bad.
Yeah, honestly, you get 70%
of it in the bowl, you're doing
great.
You guys put the pee bib
around the toilet?
That's genius.
Yeah, you know, it catches
all the remnants.
Wait, wait, the remnants?
That's a full meal.
That's not a meal.
That's, that's a couple
sessions' worth, Andre.
That's not one shot.
Is there a diet that makes
any of you less foul?
Oh! Oh.
Ah, it's not that bad, actually.
Look.
"Now, what do you kids want for
Christmas?"
Thanks for driving me all the
way back to the city, Andre, I
appreciate it.
Of course, and by the way, I
wanted to talk to you a little
bit about a trade.
Do not offer me Randy Moss.
I do not know why you drafted
him, I do not know why you still
have him.
First of all, he can come
back.
Just watch, watch, okay?
Look, but I'm not talking about
that.
You have great running backs.
I have a great backup QB.
I got amazing wide receivers.
Let's, uh, see if we can get on
the dance floor.
Do a little dance.
A little trade dance, right?
It's an interesting
proposition, I just... you know,
I got to come up for air first.
What the hell does that mean,
"come up for air"?
I'm swamped right now, man.
My work's kicking my ass, and I
got a lot of stuff to do around
the house.
Just a bad time, you know.
Take a second, we'll just get
out our phones, we'll do it
right now.
A-Andre, I can't even think
past one minute from now,
honestly.
If I was gonna consider this, I
would need to take a bunch of
stuff off my plate.
I don't even have groceries in
my house right now.
We'll get you groceries.
We'll stop at the storon the
way home.
Great, here's a little list
for you.
Wait, you want me to get you
groceries?
Yeah, I could just crush some
e-mails while you're in there if
that's cool.
"Milk"?
Do you want, like, one percent,
almond milk...?
Sorry, Andre, I'm just
slaying some voice mails real
quick.
"Salad stuff"?
What does "salad stuff" even
mean?
Is that, like, the dressings or
the things inside the salad?
All right, Ian, here you go.
This is your trophy for not
crying that one time.
On your way.
Geoffrey, you're not much of a
physical specimen, but you can
hoard orange slices with the
best of 'em.
Here you go, bud.
Yay!
Do I get a trophy?
No, sweetie, these trophies
are for losers.
Go play with them.
Aw.
I'm coming for you, losers.
Yeah, uh, speaking of losers,
what happened to your pants
there, Jackson Pollack?
Did an alien finish on you?
(Jenny sighs)
I spilled some pesto.
When did you have pesto?
I dribbled in my pants.
I peed my pants a bit.
A small bit, it's just a
dribble.
That looks like a double
dribble, at least a walk.
Flagrant foul.
I was out of pee bibs, and I
was trying to check my lineup
and e at the same time.
Classic tinker tinkle.
(horn plays "La Cucaracha")
Oh, what is...?
What is this?
Heavy Pet...
Ha-ha.
God, what are you doing?
Gentlemen, the puppy party
has arrived.
You're driving around in a
van that says "Heavy Petting"?
Yeah.
You got to use a pun name in the
pet industry.
It's like a rule.
I was thinking about "Pup Pup
and Away" or "Pup Tents," but
market research pointed to this.
What market research, Taco?
Just me thinking about stuff.
That's not even a pun, Taco.
It's just a sex act.
Ugh, get your minds out of
the gutter, please.
Kids!
Who's up for some heavy petting?
Yay!
(dogs barking)
Well, hi, doggie doggie.
Oh, you're so...
Oh, he's smiling.
That means he likes you.
Oh, no, no.
Ew!
Yeah, yeah, bite the neck,
that's good.
Just like I taught you.
Jesus, Taco, half these dogs
can't walk.
Yeah, which means they're
great for petting.
They're not puppies, Taco,
they're just old dogs.
I don't know how old they
are, but I guarantee they're
puppies.
You know "puppy" is not a
breed?
No, it's an ethnicity, like
"Canadian" or "vampire."
This guy's a purebred puppy.
Purebred.
This guy's a mutt.
Half-puppy, half-poodle, I
think.
What you basically have here
is a mobile pet cemetery, and I
think that one might be a cat.
(cat meows)
Oh, do you think people will
notice?
Hey, your dog bit my kid.
No, no, he probably just gave
him a little "teeth hug."
Come on, Carson, we're
getting out of here.
What?
If it makes you feel any
better, that kid's a total bed
wetter.
(Taco sighs)
What did I tell you, puppies?
No biting.
Bad puppies.
(device buzzes, dogs bark)
Whoa, hey, stop.
Taco.
Taco, you don't need to do
all of 'em.
It's not Bow-schwitz.
They appreciate that I treat
'em all equally.
Rodney!
Excuse me, it's my nightmare
neighbor.
Oh, I love the dog wiener.
Oh, it's-it's "wiener dog,"
sweetheart.
No, it's a "puppy wiener."
Smile.
That'll be $40, please.
Everybody calls me Ruxin.
Well, I don't.
What do you want?
Your dogs have been peeing on
my lawn.
Not my problem, lady.
(dog growls)
Would you stop growling?
Bad dog.
(device buzzes, dog barks)
(whimper, thud)
Uh-oh.
I don't have any dogs.
Look!
Those are puppies.
They pee.
Stay with me, Zeke.
Do not go towards the light.
You stay.
Okay.
Clear!
You're such a liar!
That's why your wife left you.
She didn't leave me, she's on
vacation.
(laughing): Oh, right.
Okay, mouth to mouth.
No, stop, Taco.
Taco, oh, God.
Taco, that's enough.
Oh, where has that tongue
been?
These guys are gonna need so
much therapy.
Well, you know, if I find
another pee spot, I'm gonna slap
the dickens out of you!
Really?
All right, kids, grab a
shovel, we're gonna play "puppy
funeral."
Wh-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop the clock, stop the clock.
Your party's over.
We're not burying dogs with
these children around.
Well, is there a ditch we
could chuck it into?
Put him in the van.
No, there's already two dogs
in there.
Oh.
Mom, Dad, look at this
picture of me and Zoey.
Isn't she so cute?
Mm-hmm.
The elderly puppy is super cute,
but it is dinnertime now, babe,
please eat.
This is not dinner.
I don't know why we're calling
it that.
What?
What i-- what is this?
This is broccolini, tofu, and
kale?
I ca-- I can't do this, I need
protein.
You know what?
I did forget one thing.
I'll be back.
Is it dessert?
No, it's the vitamins.
Oh, not those green pills.
They taste like compost.
Um, babe, I got to use the
bathroom.
Okay.
(whispering): Hey, hey, come
on, let's go, follow me.
What?
Shh, just shh.
Me, too.
Okay.
What are we doing?
Shh.
Okay, go, go, go, go.
All right.
Listen, this is the quiet cave.
And you can never tell Mommy
what you sawn here, okay?
What's that?
Feast your eyes... on this.
Oh, Dad, it's gross.
No, no, no, no, it's covered
in plastic bags, and the water
in here is perfectly clean, and
Mommy will never think to look
inside here.
Ha-ha.
Ah.
So, milady, I ask you, care
to join me for a dinner party?
Why, I would love to join you
for a dinner party.
I'll set the table.
Uh-uh-uh, pinkies up when we eat
our licorice.
Cheers.
Oh, it seems you spilled a
little bit in the corner of your
mouth.
May I get that for you?
Oh, lovely.
Rodney!
(Ruxin groans)
Everybody calls me Ruxin.
Rodney?
Yes, Mrs. Hatch?
I told you before that I want
to keep your dogs off of my
lawn.
As I told you before, I don't
have any dogs.
So, I'm supposed to believe
that you're the one peeing on
the lawn?
Yeah, yeah, I'm peeing all
over your lawn.
That's wh...
Ow!
Oh, God!
Ow!
And I'm taking this bracelet,
too.
That's not a bracelet, it's
a...
Oh, no, it's mine.
It was on my property.
Thank you.
You know what, go ahead.
Keep it.
And keep the curtains of mine
that you're wearing as a dress.
Yes.
Hey, Pete, do you think maybe
later todawe can talk about
that trade?
You know, my head's just so
full right now.
I think maybe just finish off my
eight-hour online traffic school
and then we can talk about it,
okay?
Almost done.
Great.
You got it.
Thanks.
Why is Andre building you an
end table?
Well, the rest of my bedroom
set's already done.
This is the last piece.
You made him your trade maid.
Trade maid.
You sly little devil.
Mmm.
Guys, do you believe this?
You got to park 12 inches away
from the curb when you parallel
park.
Crazy.
Crazy.
Yeah, right?
I got the snacks, huh?
Yes!
Let's get rid of this healthy
crap, let's go.
Oh, yeah.
Why are these all wet?
'Cause I keep them in the
back of the toilet.
Oh!
What?
What... Why?
What?
I have to.
Jenny can't find out where I
keep it.
Huh? Licorice?
No, no, thanks.
I'll skip the crappetizers.
Yeah, no toilunch for me.
Andre?
Yeah?
Huh?
Oh, I love the gummies.
Yeah.
Why is this all wet?
Uh, freezer burn.
Oh. I love it.
Keep me cool.
Yeah, I know you do.
Gummies for dummies.
Yeah!
What the...?
Is that my scarf?
Aw, come on.
Um, your scarf?
Get up, come on.
What are you doing?
That is... No...
That is my, that is, that is
my scarf, okay?
(laughs)
Now, that is... (grunts)
This is my scarf, not a toy.
All right.
Go fetch, girl!
(laughs)
That is my hat.
Dude, I was doing you a
favor.
You are a brat, you know
that?
An inconsiderate brat.
Whoa, wait, watch it, Andre.
Hey, Andre, did I just walk
into my house and hear you yell
at my kid?
Yeah, 'cause she's being a
jackass.
Hey.
Yeah, well, she's our
jackass.
We made her that way.
Your daughter needs to be
punished, and that dog needs to
be put down.
Why don't we just wait a week
on the dog?
Yeah, where'd that puppy go?
The wiener ran away.
It's ironic, 'cause usually
wiener make a beeline for
Andre's buns.
Fives.
Fives.
Andre, you're a bad person.
You scared the puppy away.
Look, I am so sorry.
No!
Zoey?
Zoey!
Way to go, Andre.
(sighs)
She's the one who's throwing
my hat.
(Taco sighs)
I lost so many puppies this
week.
Mostly to death or something
called osteoporosis.
Hey, I think I've seen her
jumping rope in the
neighborhood.
Oh, that makes sense.
She does a lot of tricks.
What's "semi-trained"?
It means she's good with
number one, but she'll number
two just about anywhere.
Just plops them all over the
place.
How old is she?
Nine, I guess.
But she looks a lot older.
Uh, it gets her into trouble
quite a bit, as you can imagine.
Oh.
Oh, God, I hope she doesn't
come back pregnant.
Look, if you see her, can you
just grab her?
Like, she's gonna kick and
scream a lot, but just throw her
in a dark room, she'll calm
down, and then you give me a
call and I'll come pick her up.
You are sick.
You need medication.
Well, I got news for you,
sister, I'm already on a lot of
medication.
(Ruxin sighs)
Geoffrey, no!
Stop, Baby Geoffrey, stop.
I can't stop!
I know it's tough when you
get the pee train in motion,
buddy, but you got to stop.
Geoffrey, who taught you to do
that?
Uncle Rafi. He told me it
was bad to hold it in.
Yeah, but you can't pee on
people's lawns.
Especially Nanny Pacquiao's,
okay?
'Cause when you pee on green
grass, it turns it yellow.
(gasps) That's it!
Oh.
I think it's good.
I really thought we were
going to lunch.
This is lunch.
This is... this is salad
shake.
I want food, real food that
people consume.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Ew, what is that?
That's you.
How many pounds does it take to
change a lightbulb?
Oh, God.
Drink up.
Oy.
Oh, it tastes like the back
of a lawn mower.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
You know him?
No. He was just staring at
us, though.
Maybe because you were
screaming about how horrible the
drinks are here.
Everyone here knows it's
horrible. They just...
They're buying into it.
That's how people...
No.
Oh, God.
No.
BOTH: No!
No, no, that's not...
Oh, my God.
She's our daughter.
Sweetheart, tell everyone
that we are your parents.
Yeah.
My real pents wouldn't make
me eat crap like this.
What? No.
No, no, no, you can eat
whatever you want-- ice cream.
Twinkies.
Ho Hos.
Gummy bears.
Skittles.
Whipped cream right in your
mouth. What do you want?
I want some of the sausage
Daddy showed me in the bathroom.
No! No, no.
Right, that's a secret.
No. Secret? Secrets.
All right, got to...
No. L's go, come on.
We got to go, we got to go.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey! Ow!
Hey, Daddy's little girl.
Ha, ha.
Ow! You're hurting me!
(grunts, breathes heavily)
Okay, that's most of the bedroom
set.
Great, can you return it to
the store, now, please?
Are you playing Minesweeper?
I told you how swamped I am,
Andre.
I need the stress relief.
This trade's never gonna
happen, is it?
Andre, this is the last favor
I need from you, okay?
Okay.
Thank you.
Little help?
Ooh, cleared the board.
(sighs)
Can no one change toilet
paper in this house?
Just...
Oh, my God.
He hit all of the toilet paper,
not one, just...
Hey, Jenny.
Hi. What the...?
(Taco sings)
Whoa!
Why is there food in my toilet?
Just the cheese is mine.
The rest of that junk is
Kevin's.
What?!
Brothers.
Always cramping your space.
See you later.
Kevin!
Hey, was Taco just...?
Oh, no.
You've been eating secret
meals on the toilet?
Not secret meals.
They're-they're crappetizers.
Oh, God.
Hey, um...
Oh, another elegant MacArthur
family meal.
Do you guys have any of those
vitamins that make your pee
green?
Yes. Please, take them.
Thank you.
Bon appétit, Wolfgang Schmucks.
You're starving me out, here,
babe.
I'll make you a smoothie.
I don't want a smoothie.
I want salty, fat meat in my
mouth.
Pete's donger's available.
You had to see that one coming.
Is the dog gonna be okay?
Yeah, he'll be fine.
Took one of his wheels off so no
one would steal him.
Ah. Smart thinking.
Yeah. Eat up.
You know what you're going home
to.
Oh, at least I got my dad's
toilet food.
Your dad's a smart man.
Toilet tank's the best place to
keep food.
I got fruits and vegetables at
Ruxin's toilet.
I got, uh, cheese and meats at
Kevin's toilet.
Also have some hard-boiled eggs
and mayonnaise at a toilet down
at the, uh, Sears Tower in case
I'm downtown and want some egg
salad.
Whew!
That was a lot of food.
Real food.
Yeah.
Thanks for paying.
I'll get the next one.
Hey, can I have a ride home?
Sorry, kid.
No can do.
Headed downtown to find some new
puppies.
But... I don't know how to
get home.
Right.
I'm being irresponsible.
Here.
It's a compass.
"N" is this way, and I think
you live somewhere this way...
ish.
Hyah! Hyah! Let's go, boy.
Let's go.
Oh, my God, this is working.
(cackles)
Rodney!
Everybody calls me uxin."
I knew it was you who was
peeing on my lawn.
I'm fixing your lawn.
Put that little cocktail
weenie away.
I can't. Once the pee train's
left the station, there's no
turning back.
Well, I'll put it away for
you, here.
No!
Come here with that little
cocktail weenie, you...
No!
Come here. Come here! I'll
get that from you. Oh, get...
No, Mrs. Hatch.
I'll get that from you.
Always whining, always whining.
(imitates whining)
Hey, you keep whining, you're
gonna get zapped again.
Don't think I'm not gonna get
you, little Rodney.
No, stop it!
Give it to me.
Fine, you leave me no choice.
(Ruxin whimpers)
(yelling)
What the...?
Come on, what the hell's wrong
with this thing?
Hey, bad dog.
(groaning)
Whoa. What happened here, huh?
What's going on, Ruxin?
Not much. You know what.
I think the dog's still
growling.
What did I tell you?
Bad boy!
(zapping, groaning)
Hey, Sofia.
Hey, is that Ellie?
(Ellie cries quietly)
Hey, hey, little girl.
What's up?
Come on.
No.
Want a ride?
No!
What are you doing so far
away from home?
Taco left me.
Oh, well, come on, get in the
van, we'll have some fun.
Look...
No. I don't want to get in
the van.
I'm so sorry about the things
that happened between us, but,
look, I can't have you walk home
by yourself. I...
Get in the van.
I got... I got, uh... candy.
I don't want candy from you.
Five-four-five to Central.
I got eyes on a potential perp.
Vehicle says "Heavy Petting."
Ellie, I can't have you walk
home by yourself.
Your parents would kill me.
Uh-uh.
Okay, you know what?
That's it.
You're getting in the van.
Come with me.
No.
Come on, come on!
No, stop it!
Come on, get in the van.
Don't put me in the van!
I don't want to get in the van!
Just get in the van.
I'm moving in. I'm moving in.
Get in the van and be quiet.
I don't want to get in your van.
No!
Get in that van. There.
There! Stay in there, okay?
We're gonna play games, we're
gonna have fun.
I don't want to play games in
your van.
It's a secret between
me and you, that's it.
No one has to know.
You sick bastard!
(both grunt)
Hey, Pete, it's Andre.
Trade go through?
The trade did go through.
With Ted.
What?
But I did all those chores and
favors.
I helped clear your head.
I don't make trades with
alleged sex offenders.
And you did clear my head.
I really appreciate it.
And once my head was clear, I
realized that was a terrible trade.
Well, can you at least bail
me out of jail?
(whispers): Pete, they're
monsters in here.
They used part of my scarf as
toilet paper.
You know what. I'm totally underwater right now.
I'm slogging through e-mails.
Maybe later this afternoon,
okay?
Hello? Hello?
You realize you're literally
doing what a dog does right now?
Yeah. Jenny will never look in here.
Ooh, Ding Dongs.
Hey! Get your own pot.