The League (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Von Nowzick Wedding - full transcript

Ted, betting big on the
wide receivers this year.

Yeah.
I think I know what I'm doing.

But it's not a
championship line-up, Theodore.

No one did as well as Taco,
who seems to have drafted Serena

- Williams in the eighth round.
- I don't know what

happened.
I got nervous.

I meant to take her sister.
Well, it could be worse.

You could be this guy.
Ruxin!

Aw, look who it is.
What happened to you?

You bailed on the draft.
Ooh!

Boy...
Oh!



- What happened?
- I got Rafied, which is

worse than being roofied, trust
me.

I feel like I need Ted's AIDS
cocktail.

Bitch, you couldn't handle my
cocktail.

No, no, you could not.
Wait, is this my team?

I've got four kickers and no
quarterback.

It looks worse than Aaron
Hernandez's alibi.

What happened to Aaron
Hernandez?

Is he okay?
Technically, this isn't

really your team.
What? What do you mean?

Yeah, you bailed on the draft.

You are not in the league, my
friend.

But I capitulated on
everything!

I mean, what am I supposed to do
now?



I would enjoy the wedding.
No!

No, no, no, no!
I don't accept this.

I'm leaving.
What's your room number, by

the way, Ruxin?
My room number is eat my

diseased dills.
Ugh.

Jenny, I do have something
for you guys.

What's your room number?
We're in 4...

No, no, no!
D-D-Do not tell these animals

what room we are in. Do not.
Why?

Because this is what they do.
We like to go on road trips and

sneak into each other's hotel
rooms and ransack the minibar.

Like a pack of wolves.
I love that game.

I even play it with strangers.
I'm in room 428, Kevin.

Great. I don't care.
My room is not going to give

you AIDS.
Someone's room gave you AIDS,

- Ted.
- Whoa, hey, hey!

Put this away.
Trixie cannot see this board.

Hey, hey! Easy!
Trixie cannot find out that

we drafted last night.
I feel terrible about the whole

thing.
Well, you should.

All your running backs have the
same bye week.

No, it's not that.
This morning, she asked me how

the bachelor party was, and I
had to lie to her.

Marriages begin and end with
lies; that's how it works.

Well, I refuse to poison our
union.

You mean more than you
already have with your

widow-making death jizz?

So when's Heather getting here?

Oh, she can't come.
She's, uh, eight months

pregnant, so she can't fly.
Oh, man, that was gonna be my

wedding gift for you.
To get my sister pregnant?

No, I was gonna not have sex
with your sister.

Oh.
I was gonna spare you the

awkwardness of knowing that we
were rubbing wet spots on your

special weekend.
Don't... please don't say

"wet spots."
How did she even get

pregnant?
She hates it in that hole.

Okay.
Come on.

You suckers ready for some
sun?

Uh, uh, uh, no, no, no.
These are reserved.

This is for Pete; that's for
Jenny.

Yep.
First wife, second wife.

W-What's that?
Kevin's like a Mormon without

any of the financial prowess.
Second wife sits over here, so

he can jack him off, and then
the first wife cups the balls,

as is her right.
There's no jacking off.

That's right.
It's full pene.

There's no penetration,
Ruxin, please.

Yeah, and then Ellie gets in
there and is like, "I want..."

What? Stop it.
That's my niece you're

talking about.
Yeah, but we were just

talking about everyone getting
in the mix...

Know some limits.
Watch yourself.

What's wrong with you?
What's up, guys?

Hey, guys.
Hey, Kevin.

Here's a little sunblock.
You know how you burn behind the

ears.
Oh, it's like a bad episode

of Big Love.
There are no bad episodes of

Big Love.
I never thought either

marriage would last.
♪

We are T-minus 24 hours away
from the Von Nozick wedding.

Are you ready, Gander?
Please stop calling me

Gander.
Are you ready, J-Balls?

Gander will do.
All right, Gander.

Now, you need to do...
Wait, are you drinking my

champagne?
It's good.

It's a $400 bottle of
champagne.

I'm not gonna drink the whole
bottle.

Fine.
Duty number one: you are my

ambassador to magic.
Andre, your big day might be

more magical if there's no
actual magic in it.

Hmm.
Well, then, how will people know

I'm super cool?
Your hat.

Great.
Which brings me to duty number

two: you're in charge of my
haberdashery.

Which to laypeople is "hats."
Okay?

How many hats are you gonna
wear?

Tres for the wedding, siete
for the reception, and one for

the consummation.
Oh, God, stop it.

You know you like it.
No.

All right, yeah, that's
Gander-style.

Number three: how are you with

animals?
Not great.

Well, you better get good,
'cause I have 100 doves and they

stink to high heaven, which is
exactly where I want them to go,

capisce?
I need those doves a-flyin'.

No lazy doves, J-Balls!
No?

No lazy doves, Gander!
Fine.

Look, I'm gonna yell at you a
lot in the next 24 hours.

Oh.
But I want you to know it's

only because I love you.
Bring it in for a she-bro hug.

Come here, come on, all right.
Come on, all right.

See you later.
I didn't even adjourn the

meeting!
I have a PowerPoint!

You're sitting alone here at
the pool because Pete and Kevin

are up in the room doing their
business?

Look, I don't have a ton of
time, so let's get to it.

I know you want back in the
league.

Yeah.
I want you back in the

league.
Why?

Every hero needs their
villain, Darth.

Hmm.
How do you plan on doing that?

There's gonna be a league vote.

People are torn.
They trust you about as much as

they'd trust a man with a
ponytail.

I can change their mind.
And what do I have to do in

return, Jenny?
Oh, um...

be Andre's best man.

No, I won't do it.
I won't do it.

You don't have to.
Fine.

Okay.
Ah, hi, Jenny.

Hey, J.J.
Hey, Ruxin.

How'd you like my draft?
Oh, about as much as you

liked getting spanked by the
Patriots in the playoffs, J.J.

Real nice.
You ever played a down of

football in your life?
Uh, yeah, I played peewee

football for a year.
Looks like you still play

peewee football.
Hey, NaVorro.

Hey, Gerald.
Hey, Jenny.

Last night was crazy.
Wait, you guys were at the

draft, too?
Yeah.

Did you help pick my team?
Of course we did.

Why do you think there's so
many defenses?

Listen, don't start your
complaining.

You got a awesome team.
I have no quarterbacks.

We don't like quarterbacks.
I don't like running backs,

either.
Running backs... dropped.

Please.
Those girlish diva receivers?

Out.
Diva receivers... dropped.

Nothing but defenses and
kickers on Pete Top, Kevin

Bottom.
Fantasy gold.

If you guys weren't all huge,
huge men and this water wasn't

so cold, I would come in the
pool and kick all your asses

right now.

Fine.
I will be Andre's "Gander."

But let me tell you something,
Iceman, I don't like you.

'Cause you're dangerous.
You'd better get going.

You have so many activities to
run.

Activities?

You know, it's always been my
dream to play a little beach

volleyball just like they did in
the movie Top Gun.

And today...
you're all on my squad.

Where are the jean shorts and
rampant homoeroticism?

- Oh, it's coming.
- Hey! Oh!

Nice tush.

Now, today you're all a part of
my team.

Y'all got your nicknames.
Gander, Slider, Iceman,

Hollywood, and Taco.
Thought we were doing a Top

Chef thing.
No, Top Gun.

And no Maverick would be
complete without his... Goose!

Ha-ha!
And you're gonna wear it.

No.
Go on...

Isn't there a homeless guy I
can jack off instead of doing

that?
You gotta wear it!

It's my wedding!
I'm the groom.

You gotta wear it, you...
Man up! Man up!

It's my wedding!
It's my wedding, you do what I

say!
Man up!

Fine. Fine.
Yeah, you wear that.

You're a groomzilla.
Put that on!

Go, Goose!
All right, let's play some

volleyball, huh?
Yeah!

Yeah, all right!

Taco, you getting this?
Yeah, yeah.

Maverick, Goose and Hollywood
against Family MacArthur, Kevin

and his two wives.
Top Groom!

- Kevin, you...
- Uh-huh, uh-huh...

oh, God...
Scro Squadron.

♪Coming in hot from downtown.

Bring it, Ted, bring it!
Kevin... I'm looking at you,

pal.
Is that blood?

Oh, God.
We don't want it, we don't

want it.
Blood ball!

Don't! Oh, God!
You guys!

It's fake blood.
Break point.

You got it?
It's enough footage

of the ball, Taco.
Ted's cocktail is not

sitting well with me.
What? You took my pills?

I took your Wednesday.
That's gonna mess with

my immune system.
What about my digestive

system, Ted?!
It's gonna wreak havoc.

- Oh! I gotta Yobogoya!
- Yes! Yeah! Whoo!

Where's the nearest bathroom?
I think they're pretty far.

No options!
What are you gonna do?

No options!
Oh, yeah.

Oh, God!
Yes!

Wait for me!
I can't hold it!

Go! Go, Kevin, go!
Go for it!

I'm getting it!
Are you filming this?

Oh, you beast!

Seabiscuit!

Oh, dibs on Seabiscuit.
It's my new team name.

I'm not Seabiscuit!
I gotta have vacation

sex with that.
Oh, my God, Pacific Ocean

forever unclean!

Let's get our rehearsal
dinner on.

After you.

Hey, Goose, let me see my hats.

'Cause I want to make sure
I know what I'm in for.

You've got diabetic
gelato maker, old Japanese guy

who sniffs young girls' panties,
and of course, the newsies

molester collection.
Well, Kevin and the wives

finally showing up.
Hey, how is everyone?

Good. Can I interest you in
a cocktail?

He's fine.
No, I'm fine, thank you.

He's good.
How are you doing over here,

Mr. King of the Wide Receivers?
I mean, look, I know you landed

Calvin Johnson...
That's right.

...but Calvin Johnson does
not a season make.

I'll be honest with you,
I could use a great running

back or two.
Uh-huh.

I don't know what you're
doing with that one kicker

of yours.
Hello, everyone, I'm Ruxin.

I am the best man here
at the wedding.

- You're the Goose!
- Goose!

I would love to invite now
the father and mother of the

groom, Mr. Burt and Gloria
Nozick up to say some words.

Yeah!
Speech!

Hi, everybody.
Hi.

We're so proud of you,
Andre, and our lovely

new daughter.
You're gorgeous.

It was just such a short time
ago that he was a little boy.

That's really what
it feels like.

And he never really knew very
much about-about women.

Remember, you guys, you guys,
you told him that women didn't

have anything down there.
Oh, that's right.

That they were like
Barbie dolls.

You called it
"smooth saddles."

Yes.

To smooth saddles.
Oh! I got, I got a surprise.

Something amazing is
what he means.

Something incredible.
Something sweet and beautiful.

Here we go. Ta-da.

It's a Kluneberg!
Penis Andre is attacking

Anus Trixie.
This is an important work.

It recontextualizes
everything I know about

the penis.
It's a valuable addition to

anyone's personal collection.
Coming up big,

Mr. and Mrs. N!
Yay!

N! N!
They're early front-runners

for MVP of the wedding,
Mr. and Mrs. Nozick.

Okay, would anybody else like
to say some words?

I've got a little something.
Ah, Ted would like to speak.

So from MVPs to A-I-Ds.
Everybody, Ted.

Thank you, Goose.

You know, they say a good
marriage is like a team.

I cannot imagine you two apart.
Andre without Trixie?

That's like having great, great
wide receivers and no

running backs.
Or at least over-the-hill

and injury-prone ones.
I'm sorry. I misspoke.

Did I just say great
wide receivers?

I'm sorry, no.
Trix, if half of what this man

has tweeted about you is true,
then you're the best.

You are the Calvin Johnson
of brides.

A true number one.
And here you are tonight.

You're so beautiful.
Calvin Johnson being

offered up!
And I know that anyone here--

Andre, anyone.
Anyone or Andre is going to have

to give up something very big in
order to get you in his lineup.

But I'll tell you what.
That is gonna make both parties

in this matrimonial transaction
exceedingly happy for the

upcoming season,
or for all time.

The floor is open.
Wow! Great speech.

Ted, do you mind if
I say a word?

No, I don't mind a bit.
Thank you.

And congratulations, Andre,
and to you, Trixie.

All this talk about weddings and

marriage and teams reminds me of
the day of my wedding.

The day that I found my number
one draft pick Calvin Johnson.

The day I married my Jenny.

Aw...
I would have traded

anything to get her.
She's the most...

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
This is not my forte.

Matt Forte.
Matt Forte.

He said, "No, it's
not my forte."

That's an interesting speech,
Kevin.

Uh, do you have any more
you would want to offer?

No, thank you.
Uh, I just want to say,

Andre and Trixie, you're
a beautiful couple.

You know, if I could just
better Kevin's toast...

Okay, please don't.
No, Kevin's toast was fair,

and I don't think it can
be better.

It's about you, Andre.
How dependable you are.

Mm.
Week after week, and how

important it is to have someone
like that on your team.

I believe it was the great poet
Marshawn Lynch...

Marshawn Lynch? I don't...
Who is that?

He was originally from
Buffalo, then he became a poet

in the Northwest.
...who once said, "I am

a stud.
I'm an every down type

of player...
even in garbage time."

Jamaal Charles!
Not many of you are gonna

understand that.
That's sort of an

inside joke, but...
Drop it! Drop it!

...Jamaal Charles!
I don't really get

Andre's friends.
I think they're just maybe

not very bright.
All right.

I accept Pete's speech.
Cock and balls!

Yes!
So moving.

How do we all feel?
Ratified, ratified.

Done. To Andre and Trixie.
To Andre and Trixie! Yeah!

Yay!
Weirdest goddamn rehearsal

dinner I've ever been to.
I'm not understanding

these speeches.
I feel like something is

going on.
Is this a fantasy league thing?

What? No, no, no.
Right? Right?

You screwed me!
You gave me traids.

Stop it. I might have gave
you trerpes.

No, it was full-blown
traids!

Hey, you guys are way too
serious about speeches.

They were all good.
Whoa! Kevin, Pete really

just screwed you.
Reminds me of when I was in

the league.
Speaking of, when are you guys

gonna have that vote about
voting me back in the league?

What vote?
What?

Jenny said you guys were
holding a vote as to whether I

was gonna be back in the league.
Whoops.

Whoops? That's all you have
to say in your little slutty

leprechaun outfit?
I think, uh, we got a little

bit off track here, didn't we?
And what better way to get back

on track than a speech
from my Goose?

You want a goose?
I'm gonna shove my hand up all

of your asses, pull your
intestines out, and then hang

you with them.
Wow.

Top Groom!
Whoo-hoo!

It just hurts.

When he undermines my trades,
it bothers me.

You're sitting here,
complaining to your real wife

about Pete, your fake wife.

I am not complaining to you. I am just
looking to you for a little support.

Guys, where's Ruxin?

Oh, he is still goosing it up over there.
Cap me, Goose.

Well, that's perfect
because I swiped that fool's

hotel key.
When we get back to that

hotel, we're gonna obliterate
that minibar.

That's right.
Let's get out of here.

I want to...
By the way, Kevin,

I heard what you have to say.
Your feelings are valid,

but you're still gonna lose.
Well, at least you

acknowledged the fact that you
hurt me.

So, you guys are staying in
separate rooms?

It's marital tradition.
We sleep in separate rooms.

I won't see her until the
wedding.

Are you jacking off like crazy?

No, I'm saving myself.
I'm practicing fap-stinence.

Hmm.
You guys all know how the

British call masturbating
"fapping."

So I am fap-staining.

Okay, wait, you're rocking a
full load of laundry right now?

Yeah.
No, no, no.

Andre, you got to avoid the
juggernut.

The juggernut?
You got a packed Brazilian

nightclub in your pants and
there's only one exit.

As soon as the fire starts,
people are gonna get hurt.

You got to start letting peoepl
out now.

But I don't have my stuff.
I don't have my usual materials.

Fear not.
I'll take care of it.

As my gift to you I will be your
jack butler.

Your right hand's right-hand
man.

Ruxin.

Ruxy?
Ruxin?

Hey, buddy.
Commence...

Let's go.

Taco!
Ten dollars, $20.

Expensive gin.
Expensive American beer.

Beautiful.
Oh, yes, so expensive!

Nuts, go nuts!
$20 chips!

Ruxin just bought a robe!

Guys, guys, guys!
Ruxin wants room service.

Hello, can we have menu, please?

- Lunch and dinner.
- ♪ Shiva Komedi

Somakanakram
Shiva Komedi Somakanakram ♪

Hey!

Guys, guys, wait, he's here,
he's here...

He's coming.
I can't wait to see his face.

Hey!
What the hell's going on here?

Oh, we thought this was
Ruxin's room.

This is not Ruxin's room.
This is my room.

Oh, he must've switched the
keys.

This is not gonna fly.
And you guys are gonna pay for

this.

Shit!
Run!

Run!

I'm about to add five to my
sack total.

He's so big!
Ah, giant Ruxin is coming!

Go, go, go!
Run, you guys, run, run,

run, run, run!
Nobody messes with my

minibar!
J.J., no!

You're mine, meat!
Feed him Ted first.

Andre, since your sister's
not here for me to not have sex

with her, I got you a couple
other gifts.

Ta-da!
Your very own personalized pee bib.

Oh, you got it monogrammed

and everything.
That's for your first piss as

a married man.
And more importantly, got you

some porn.
So you can avoid that juggernut of yours.

Do I really have to do that?

You got to avoid the juggernut.

You take that, throw it in a
DVD player, whip out that little

penis of yours, go to town.
Spit that poisonous venom out of

yourself.
No, no, no.

I'm not gonna do it in front of
you.

I'm your jack butler.
I know how to jerk off.

Do you want to take the shirt
off or you gonna keep it on?

I'm gonna do it by myself.
That's so weird.

Well, get out of here, man.
All right, I want you jerking

off in there in one minute.
All right, go.

No-look jelly.
Bam!

You nasty, tiny jelly.
You nasty.

No.
No, no, too much, Ruxin!

Oh, come on, that's my shirt.
That's our minibar.

Those are my condoms, I was
gonna pretend to use those.

Hey, I would've drank that.
Have you guys seen how

expensive this stuff is?
You know, I know you guys are

worried about J.J. and I.
We settled our differences, and

when I grabbed all of your room
keys, I thought who better to

give them to than this man right
here.

And I know what room you're
in now.

Lobby.
Nailed it.

Hey!
Everything?

You know, dude can't draft
for shit, but he can get even

like a...
Charge it to the room.

To the room!
To the room.

Not to the room.
No, no, no, no, no!

Tap water, drink tap water.
It's delicious.

No, it's not from Fiji.
Look at this, guys.

We got lobster.
This has to be, like, 250 bucks.

Don't-don't open that.
Don't touch the lobster.

J.J., please don't open the
lobster!

Damn it, come on, man!
My wedding is in four hours.

What are you doing?
Getting dressed?

Is that what I think it is?
Um...

no?
No, that's last year's board.

That's not this year's board.
Why does that say 2013?

Uh, because that's the year
it was then, Pixie.

Do you know what?
I am so sick of your bullshit!

I don't even like any of you
people.

You have horrible style.
This is my wedding!

your league!
Hey!

it!
Relax.

Wow.
Andre!

R.I.P. to the league, y'all.
What?

(woman passionately moaning on

computer)

Almost lost my foreskin on
that one.

Taco?

We should clean up before
Andre gets home, right?

Nah, you're family, come on.
Just let it dry.

Heather?
Man, I love Andre's Star Wars

sheets.
Oh, God!

I'm gonna throw up.
Ooh, hey, honey.

What the hell, Andre?
What?

You had a draft at our wedding?

Okay...
I can explain, look, I wasn't...

I don't want any of your
lies, I don't want any of your

stupid lies.
I'm not a liar.

What happened to trust?
Please...

What happened to our weekend?
Why are your pants unzipped?

I'm doing this for us.
I was trying to avoid the

juggernut.
The juggernut?

My God, you are not the man that
I thought you were.

No, I am the man, look...
I-I got the doves and I got the

three different outfits for the
wedding...

How can there be a wedding,
Andre?

You cheated on me with your
league!

All right, please...
I can, I can...

Don't-don't-don't cry...
Please don't touch me, don't

even touch me...
I'm gonna ruin my makeup.

Oh, no, no, no!

My eyes!

Sorry, I didn't mean...
Stay away from me, you stay

away from me...
Okay, I didn't mean to, come

on, I'm so sorry!
Trixie, forgive me, come on...

Trixie!
No, Trixie, no.

So, wait, you masturbated and
she went blind?

Yeah.
I wonder if she grew hair

on her hands, too?
Why didn't you go with her,

Andre?
She doesn't want me to.

She said it's over.
So, first wife, second wife,

no wife?
Ow.

All right, guys, after
today's events, I think it's

time we put this horseshit
behavior behind us.

One of us is really hurting.
Ruxin?

Am I back in the league?
Would you like to be back in

the league?
Oh, my God.

Come here, guys.
Bring it in, bring it in.

All right.
Yeah, let's celebrate.

Andre, why don't you get us all
a bucket of beers?

Mm-hmm.
But don't put your jizz-riled

hands on 'em, okay?