The League (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 12 - Baby Geoffrey Jesus - full transcript

TACO: Gentlemen, just because
football season's over doesn't

mean we can't all still hang
out.

And I've been using all my extra
time to refurbish Uncle Frank's

van into Taco Corp World
Headquarters.

KEVIN: This is embarrassing.
PETE: The season's not over,

Taco-- you just didn't make the
playoffs.

(groans) Me neither.
So it is with a heavy heart I'd

like to announce the league's
playoff matchups.

In one bracket, we have Jenny
versus Ruxin.

RUXIN: My team is gonna punch
Jenny right in her balls.

And in the other bracket,
we've got Andre versus Ted.



ANDRE: Andre versus AIDS, a
battle I've been preparing for

my entire life.
And in contention for the

Ruxin...
Yes? I'm listening.

Kevin, Chuck, Taco and myself.

I love you, buddy, but you
got to go.

There are four much less
well-appointed homes that you

will be very happy in.
♪

Geoffrey.
Hi, handsome. How was school?

Good.
Mr. and Mrs. Ruxin, how are

you?
Hi, Father Zaragosa.

Geoffrey's such a wonderful
student.

Aw.
Thank you.

You know, we're doing a
performance at the end of the

semester, and we would love for
Geoffrey to be in it.



Really?
That's great.

He takes after his old man.
I did some theater in high

school.
Those drama girls were so messed

up in the head.
They were easy pickings for...

(clears throat) So, that's all
I'm gonna say.

Actually, it's our Christmas
pageant, and we would love

Geoffrey to be our Baby Jesus.
Jesus.

Jesus.
Jesus.

Yes.
It's quite an honor.

Isn't there a part for, like,
the guy who runs the Bank of

Bethlehem or Jesus'
entertainment lawyer?

Nothing?
I almost had it.

If I could've just eked into the
playoffs, I would've wiped the

floor with you shit-sippers.
Really?

Yes, my team was built for
the playoffs.

Face it, it's over.
You came in last.

You will be playing in the Sacko
Bowl next week.

(groans) Okay, fine, but
which one of you two will I be

playing in the Sacko?
Not me.

I set my lineup.
You did. In September.

Still, all the more reason for
me to make sure I do not end up

in that goddamn Sacko Bowl.
I think you mean the Ruxin.

Whatever you want to call it,
I have never been in that

despicable thing.
In fact, I'm taking some time

off of work to focus on what's
really important.

You're taking vacation days
for fantasy football?

Oh, you're goddamn right I am.

Look, I'm following all of my
players on Twitter right now.

Vernon Davis, spending some
quality time with the family.

His spirits are up.
Might have an extra couple of

points in that.
Anquan Boldin just had his

favorite paella ever.
That could be a little heavy,

might slow him down.
These are the things you got to

think of.
The edge.

W-We'll discuss it when I get
home, okay?

That was my beautiful wife.
Wants to raise our children

Catholic.
Oh, Catholics versus the

Jews.
What's the spread on that game?

Uh, let's just say the
Conquistadors are favored.

Didn't you guys decide that
by putting Geoffrey in that

Catholic school?
Well, we were gonna send him

to a synagogue preschool, but
then Sukkot happened.

Oh, that was such an awesome
party-- we should do that again

sometime.
I agree, actually.

Didn't you discuss this
before you got married?

No, the only thing I talked
to Sofia about before we got

married was, "Where can I fly
you?"

"Your brother seems like a
really sweet guy."

And, "How long do you want me to
go down on you before you just

give up on having an orgasm?"
Oh, slap.

(whoops)
You trying to... tickle my

meaty clackers?
No, you do... you do that and

then that's what guys do when
they're talking about pussy.

Oh, God, Andre.
What? That's what happens.

What guys do you talk about
that with?

Steven, Max, Gary.
The guys in my squash club.

Pussy-talking dudes do that.
(groans) Enough!

All right, enough.
Listen to me, Catholicism's not

that bad.
You'll get used to it.

No, if my kid is gonna hate
Jews, it's 'cause he's

self-loathing, not 'cause he's
anti-Semitic.

(exhales)
Password?

(beep)
What is going on here?

(beep)
JENNY: What you doing?

What... When did you put a
password on your computer?

When I got into the playoffs
and I didn't want you messing

with my lineup.
I'm not gonna mess with your

lineup.
I can look at your lineup.

And then, you know, maybe, if
you want, I could probably give

you my advice.
No, I'm good.

Why don't you want my advice?
'Cause I'm in the playoffs.

You are not.
I should be in the playoffs

and you know that.
How 'bout you just look at

these playoffs as a little "too
hot to handle."

We're not gonna let that go,
are we? We're just not.

No. It's too good.
Okay.

Hey, will you do me a favor?
Will you get Taco out of the

attic?
How do you know he's in the

attic?
(sniffs) You don't smell

that?
(sniffs) Oh, my God.

That's Afghani Kush.
I got to get him out.

Can you come down from there,
please?

Oh, God, are you using my
watering can as a guest bong?

Yeah, I lost your gun.
What?!

Oh, ho, ho. Guys, sit down.
I got big news.

(sighs) What?
I have a secret.

We don't want to know it.
Don't care.

If I tell you, you have to
promise that you don't share it.

I don't want to know it.
I do not want to know it.

Fine, I'm gonna tell you.
Drumroll, please.

(sighs)
(mimicking dramatic drumroll)

Just tell the goddamn secret,
Andre!

Okay, all right.
You dragged it out of me.

I... am Vernon Davis.
Huh?

What?
On Twitter, I am Vernon

Davis.
Oh. Ho, ho.

Created a fake Twitter
account that Pete has been

following since the draft.
And I have just been loading it

with all good information.
And then?

I'm gonna pull the plug.
I want to see Pete go down hard.

In the Sacko.
Andre. Look at that.

That's the long con right there,
buddy.

Exactly.
You know, Pete has been getting

the best of me all year.
But now my revenge will be as

sweet as dulce de leche.
Mwah.

That, coming from the Little
Debbie of our league.

This is awesome.
Pete is gonna flip out when I

tell him.
I know, right? Wait, what?

No, no.
He doesn't even know.

Th-That's the...
It's a secret.

You can't tell him.
No, it's our secret, so we're

gonna get our revenge on Pete.
Please do not tell Pete.

Fine, I'm gonna tell Vernon
Davis.

Tell Vernon Davis.
Do you know Vernon Davis?

I know a Vernon Davis.
Great, get him on the phone.

I will. Thank you.
You dummy.

All right, gents.
It's been a pleasure expensing

this lunch with you.
Shall we head back to the

office?
Brian, I'll definitely run those

ideas up the flagpole, okay?
All right.

I kind of miss it.
I miss it a lot.

It's so easy.
'Cause here's the thing: I

get you and I always have.
You totally do.

I've needed to talk about it
with someone, and... it's been

so hard with Kevin.
And this feels good.

I wish we had done this a
very long time ago.

We're a good team.
So, what exactly did you see?

I saw Jenny with her
ex-boyfriend, Ben, having lunch.

I'm not sure anything is
happening.

I just felt I should report it
to you.

Really? "Sex record" Ben?
Sex record Ben.

Yeah.
Were they having any alcohol?

There was a wine.
I think, maybe a light beer.

What were they snacking on?
I don't kn...

Pretzels, peanuts?
Were there any apps?

Are you concerned about your
wife's fidelity or are you just

hungry right now?
Little bit of both.

Okay. I see.
Hey, guys, hi.

Hey.
Uh, did you remember to take

dinner out of the freezer?
I didn't.

Let me guess, were you
piddling with your fantasy

fantasy lineup?
Yeah, I was, babe.

You know I should be playing Ted
in the playoffs.

But you're not.
You're not in the playoffs,

Kevin.
You know what, just call up

wherever and order take-out.
I don't...

Fine.
Well, she doesn't seem very

happy.
I mean, with Georgia-- what

was wrong with their
relationship?

I mean, was her husband doing
something wrong?

I think she felt that he was
not very attentive and was just

a bit neglectful.
Neglectful.

(whoops)
Game time.

(sighs)
I got it.

Oh.
Hey.

You working hard?
What? At least I'm not

watching porn.
No, don't stop.

It felt good, babe. Kevin?
Kevi...?

(snoring)
Kevin!

What? I'm good.
Let's get back into it.

You don't think Jenny would
cheat on me, do you?

Look, if she was gonna piddle
around outside the marriage, I

think she would have had that
pounded out of her years ago.

Did she say what we were
having for dinner?

I'm starving.
You're joking, right?

What?
If she's making meatloaf, we got

to get out of here.
It sucks.

Hi, Daddy.
Geoffrey, you can't come in

here when Daddy's doing his
shame business, all right?

It smells like miso soup.
'Cause Daddy's filled with

sour water, okay?
So, let's close the door now,

okay?
Bye.

Hey, Ruxin!
Rafi, what are you doing in

here?
Look at you.

Just taking a shit.
Did you tell Baby Geoffrey to

come in here?
Well, I didn't tell him to

come in here, but, like, he and
I have an open-door bathroom

policy.
We always hang out when one of

us is doing a number two.
You let him talk to you while

you're on the toilet?
We're dump buddies.

Rafi, please evacuate so that
I can evacuate.

I love you, man.
Get out of here!

Do you hear me?
Just... say it back, and I'll

take off.
Fine, you can stay.

I'm gonna jerk off while you
do this.

Oh, God, I love you, I love
you.

I'll see you in a minute.
Rafi, is this why Geoffrey's

always trying to go number two
with the door open?

Yeah. You shouldn't have
closed doors in the house.

It's rude.
I don't know why you're such an

anti-social shitter.
Hi, brother.

Hello, beautiful.
Look at you. Oh.

Look at these tits. Oh.
They're getting bigger.

Wow.
Hey, congratulations.

I heard Baby Geoffrey got cast
as Jesus Christ in the Christmas

pageant.
Mm. Yeah, we're flattered.

Yeah.
Ah, flattered but probably

gonna turn it down.
No, we're not.

I was Jesus every year in the
Christmas pageant.

No, you were Judas or Satan.
I was cast as Judas every

year, and they would cast some
goody-goody as Jesus.

And that kid would get hurt, and
I knew all his lines, so I'd

wind up playing Jesus.
Whoa, hold on a second.

We need to decide on what
Geoffrey's religious upbringing

is gonna be.
Yeah.

How about this?
We expose him to both

Catholicism and Judaism, and
then, we let him decide.

All right, that's fair.
Holy war. I like this.

It's not a holy war.
We're gonna crush you.

We have the only direct access
to our Lord and Savior, Jesus

Christ.
So, I'm assuming you're a

devout Catholic?
Very religious.

He used to be an altar boy.
I ran into a little bit of

trouble with one of the priests,
though.

Were you sexually abused?
Other way around, buddy.

I abused him.
He didn't want to do anything.

He wound up leaving the
priesthood.

Said what I'd done to him was
proof that God didn't exist on

Earth.
He lives in Ibiza now.

I can't believe you two share
genetic material.

Oh, we have in the past, but
not in a long time.

Let's talk about lunch.
That tapas place-- it-it's not

transporting well.
There he is.

That's Andre?
Uh-huh. What's up, Andre?

Oh, my God. Vernon Davis?
How do you know Vernon Davis?

You told me I could tell the
Vernon Davis I know.

This is the Vernon Davis I know.
Well, how do you know him?

He's my Eskimo brother.
Yeah.

Really?
Hey, Andre, I want to talk to

you about this fake Twitter
account.

I'm so sorry about this, and
I-I can take it down, I'll do

whatever.
He told me this Pete guy's

been picking on you all year.
I want to help you fight back.

Really? You want to help me?
Pete sleeps with a married

woman, and you get punched in
the face? That ain't right.

You don't mind that I'm
running your Twitter account?

No, but I don't like that
you're making me look so lame.

Andre, look.
I like Rascal Flatts?

Yeah.
Trucker hats?

How come every pair of pants
that I buy are bedazzled?

Because you work hard on your
legs, you want to show 'em off.

Get those spangles out there.
Andre, I'm gonna let this

fake Vernon Davis continue on
one condition.

Sure, anything.
You have to let Taco write

all the Tweets.
Okay, but you don't know

anything about football.
But I know everything about

Vernon Davis.
Thanks, Taco.

All right.
I love you, Eskimo brother.

I love you, too, Eskimo
brother.

All right, if you're running
this Twitter account, you have

to keep the Tweets real, okay?
He can't find out.

This is a long con.
Don't worry about it.

I am extremely tech-savvy.
By the way, can I borrow your

fax machine?
For what?

My emergency break's busted,
I need something to put behind

the tire.

Oh, by the way, what happened
with Jenny and Ben?

Did you guys kind of talk
through that?

No, no, no, I remain silent
until she makes a mistake.

Good, I think communication
is sort of a last-resort thing

in marriages.
What are you doing?

I'm following Vernon Davis on
Twitter.

The guy's really interesting.
Apparently, he's, like, a big

fan of Japanese sneakers.
I love Japanese sneakers.

What are you doing, Taco?
Just grabbing some supplies

for TacoCorp headquarters.
Those are Ellie's school

supplies.
Great.

And that is Jenny's computer.
You can't have that.

Oh, I need it for business.
Business?

Yeah.
Well, if you're gonna use the

computer, then you have to tell
me what the password is.

I don't know what the
password is.

Well, then, how are you gonna
use the computer?

Just like I'm using it now.
I don't need a password.

No, you have to open it up,
and then, put a password in to

use it, Taco.
No, you don't.

Look, it's closed. I'm using it.
Stop it, Kevin, you're being

very closed-minded.
Look, it's a bullet-stopper.

(Taco imitates bullets pinging)
Oh, my...

Give me this thing, dingbat.
Hey, let me ask you-- do you

think that Jenny is
cheating on me?

Well, I mean, are you guys
both sleeping with other people?

No, we're sleeping with each
other... exclusively.

What?
Yes.

Then what do you have?
Sex... with each other.

Ugh!
All right, just, everyone

focus on this, please.
I have to try to figure out what

this password is.
Ooh, code breaking.

What a romantic.
"Kevin."

Try the kids' names-- that's
what they do.

"Chalupa."
Uh, his name's Christopher.

I got it.
Try "sex with other men."

And we're in! Yeah.
No, we're not in.

It's not "sex with other men."
You're a dick.

Aw.
Well, we all know this.

Oh, you clearly haven't
looked at the transactions page.

Yup, our friend Ruxin spent last
night adding and then dropping

every single defense in the
league.

I also hate-watched Dancing
with the Stars.

You knew full well that if
you picked up every defense and

then dropped them that nobody
could pick them up for two days

because they'd be on the waiver
wire.

This is a goddamn
roster-churn.

It's a shitty move.
Is it illegal?

No, it's immoral.
And next year, there will be

a rule that makes that illegal.
I guess we could just chalk

this up to classic Ruxin
tinkering.

Oh, bullshit.
If these apps were-were the

defense, and you picked them up
and you went...

(goofy groaning)
...and you ruined it!

God.
That's disgusting.

Gross, Kevin.
Well, I ordered 'em, I'm

eating 'em.
They're delicious.

Oh, it won't be the first
time Kevin and Pete have shared

fluids. Fives.
How do you sleep at night,

Ruxin?
Oh, with an eye mask.

♪
Geoffrey, what are you doing?

Bible study.
Great job, Geoffrey.

Rafi!
Oh.

Buddy, go watch TV for a
while, okay?

What the hell are you doing,
Rafi?

Dump-buddy bible study, which
you are totally interrupting

right now.
You do not talk to my son

about religion.
Somebody has got to teach him

about our Lord and Savior, Jesus
Christ.

Is that a hot dog?
Don't worry about it.

(Ruxin sighs)
Did you build a toilet

kitchen?
I added a kitchen to an

already existing toilet.
Is that a pocket dog?

Yeah, this is a pocket dog.
What's in the toilet is a dump

dog.
I got hot dogs coming and going,

buddy.
You're like a disgusting meat

straw, Rafi.
That is maybe the nicest

thing you've ever said to me.
You know what?

My son is Jewish.
He is Catholic.

Jewish.
His mother is Catholic, and I

baptized him.
Throwing him into Lake

Michigan does not count as a
baptism.

That's not my fault he almost
drowned.

I thought he could swim.
(growls)

Enough with the Inquisition.
Time to call in the tribe.

Taco, what is going on?
Fake Vernon Davis is into some

really weird shit.
Unicorns and then pictures of

soup?
Yeah, I'm categorizing

different kinds of soup.
There's so many different kinds.

There's the orange kind,
there's like a...

I don't need fake Vernon
Davis to be into soup, I need

him to have a hurt foot.
What if he has, like, a gold

foot or, like, has three feet
or a foot growing out of his

back?
Now that's cool.

No, you see, you're not
getting why we're doing this.

We need to make Pete think that
he's injured.

Wait, when did Pete get
injured?

Don't worry about Pete!
Worry about the fake Vernon

Davis.
The real Vernon Davis is

here.
Hey.

What's up, Taco? I'm here.
How you doing?

What do you need me to do?
Uh, just need five minutes of

your time, that's it.
No, no, we want to get the foot.

Who cares about the foot?
That's the whole purpose of

this.
Are we done?

I actually have a job.
Yes, thank you so much for

doing this.
This is way beyond the call of

duty, and as a form of
repayment, I would like to offer

you a business opportunity.
How would you like your own line

of calf implants?
People could have your calves in

their body.
We'd call them "The VD".

Mm?
"With VD, you'll be burnin'

like Vernon."
Nobody wants VD.

VD's actually not that bad.

Shalom and welcome.
Hanukkah, huh?

Shabat shalom.
Oh, wrong.

Shalom.
Happy Jewish Christmas.

Hey, Ruspin, you want me to
put my Krampus outfit on?

No, absolutely not.
All right, I'm gonna put

these ninja stars on the
Christmas tree.

It's a Jewish star and it's a
Hanukkah bush and you're an

amoeba.
That's a nice hat.

Oh, the yarmulke?
Yeah, it's great, because it

feels like it's constantly about
to fall off.

Andre, maybe I could get one to
cover up that blazer 'cause it

is literally a fashion
holocaust.

Thank you very much, and just
like the Holocaust, you will

never forget it.
Rabbi Kirshenblatt.

Mr. Ruxin.
What a lovely home.

Thank you for coming.
How did you get a rabbi in

this house?
I actually called in my

sister.
You remember Rebecca Ruxin.

Hey, Rebecca, how's it going?
Good to see you.

Yeah, you look just the same.
Maybe a little older.

A little sadder.
I mean, not as old and sad as my

brother, though, thank goodness.
What a light and joy she is.

And to think that Conservadox
Judaism has only made her that

much more palatable.
Well, I was forced to become

a bit more religious in order to
justify being placed in the same

family as the Rod-man.
"Ro-Rod-man"?

"Rod-man".
Rod-man.

You guys don't call him the
Rod-man?

We do now.
Yes, we do.

No, everybody calls me Ruxin.
Rod-man.

Rodney Rod-man.
Dennis Rod-man.

Nice.
You remember Andre, don't you?

Yeah.
To think I had a crush on you in

high school.
How come you never told me?

Well, I wasn't allowed to
tell you.

Or touch you, because it's the
Rod-man's worst nightmare that I

sleep with one of his friends.
I guess I just like my

friends too much.
Hmm.

Hmm.
(both): Hmm.

Hey, Ros-man, why is it that
Jews celebrate Jesus' birthday

over eight days instead of just
one?

For tax purposes.
Taco?

I'm so surprised to see you
still alive.

Oh, I've actually died a
bunch of times.

But the hospital always makes me
alive again.

Thank goodness for that.
I'll tell you everything you

want to know about Hanukkah.
(chuckles): Hanukkah.

Your sister's so funny.
She is funny.

Yeah, she's not funny, okay?
And she cheated at tennis and I

had to let her win or else she'd
throw tantrums.

And I love her very much.
I'm very glad she's here.

This is gonna be a good party.

Yeah.
Anybody want a drink?

Yes.
I'll definitely take a drink.

All right.
Oh, sweetie, will you get me

a... white wine.
J-Dog! Hey.

Ben, you made it.
Oh, heck yeah.

I'm so glad you're here.
Yeah, thank you so much

for the other day.
You know I take care of my

girl, right?
Ah, you always have.

You just, you clarified
everything for me.

You feel good about it?
That's a Jew and Geoffrey's

gonna be a Catholic?
That's a shanda.

I feel good, too, I mean,
honestly, and anytime

you need help...
Are you happy in your

marriage?
Am I?

Yeah.
No.

Happier than she is, though.
Clearly. (chuckles)

Uh, what kind of party is
this, anyway?

Oh, this is Ruxin.
He's trying to get his kid into

both hells.
Vernon Davis, holy shit.

He's got a, some kind of huge
injury, what is that?

Oh, yeah, I'm not an
orthopedic surgeon, but...

you got to imagine he's in a
cast for some reason, right?

This is why you follow your
players on Twitter, Andre.

You get the edge.
See, I take a page from your

book, start following my players
on Twitter, right, Taco?

Why are you giving me a
thumbs-up?

Nothing.
Just tell me out loud.

Just go back to the tree.
What are you talking about?

Just giving him a thumbs-up.
The tree looks great.

Thank you. Stop bothering me.
Thank you.

Rabbi Kirshenblatt, you
remember my wife, Sofia?

Yes, of course.
Shalom.

Shalom.
Santa.

What?
Uh, he's really excited about

Santa.
Aah, he's medium excited

about Santa.
No, he's really excited about

Santa.
He was very excited about

using the big boy toilet, but
remember there were a bunch of

messy lapses along the way,
right?

Yeah, well, the toilet didn't
promise gifts.

Yeah, hey, babe, you were
gonna check on those latkes?

The latk...?
Oh, yes, the Jewish hash browns.

Bye.
Great.

Geoffrey, did you know that the
rabbi's Jewish?

Rafi told me that the Jews
killed Jesus with a knife.

So, you see what I'm dealing
with here?

Well, you know, being a
Jewish person really means being

good to other people.
That's called "ethics."

You know who else is in charge
of ethics?

Your daddy.
I try to be the ethical

cornerstone to my friends and
family.

Yeah, so listen, I've got an
ethical question for you.

Do you think it's ethical to add
and drop ten defenses so nobody

can pick 'em up off the waiver
wire?

Do you play, uh, fantasy
football, Rabbi?

Of course I play fantasy
football.

My team, the Payus Manics, is in
first place.

So let's return to your ethical
question.

Right, well, ethically
speaking...

You know, the-the beauty of
ethics is it's relative, isn't

it?
No, no, no, no, no.

To a Jew, it's right or it's
wrong.

Well, as a Jew...
Mm-hmm?

Uh, who wants to be Jewish
and raise my son Jewish, I would

teach him that it would be...
(clears throat)

...unethical...
to roster-churn and I would

return those defenses to the
open market for anybody to pick

up.
Shalom!

The wisdom of Solomon.
I wish I could cut this

league in half.
Oh, my God.

Ruxin just put all the defenses
back up on the wire.

Ooh, yes.
I know, it's so good.

But I need you, like, we're
gonna have to, like, seriously

powwow.
We got to meet up and talk

about it, because...
Okay, all right, that's

enough, you know what?
Stop touching my wife, please.

You're being really rude
right now.

Oh, really? I'm being rude?
I'm sorry, did I interrupt

the conversation with you and
record-setting Ben over here?

Look, I am sorry that I
neglected you and took you for

granted and I'm sorry that I
fell asleep during oral.

Oh, I am sorry that you said
that out loud.

Don't apologize for that.
Do you think that...?

Yeah.
Oh, man, no, no, no, no, no.

I am very happily married.
And I am happily married.

Nothing is happening between
us.

Just helping a buddy out, you
know, she wanted help with her

lineup, I'm really good at that
kind of stuff.

What? You helped my wife
with her lineup?

He gave some very good fantasy.

Are you kidding me?
You let him help you?

I'm just really good at...
All right, shut your mouth,

man.
I'm, I give amaz...

Oh!
Jewish hash browns!

Oh, shit.
They're called latkes, you

goddamn shiksa.
You people are insane.

What a shiska?
Oy.