The League (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Bachelor Draft - full transcript

In a world

where a man meets a
woman, comes Andre.

Andre.

And Trixie.

Trixie.

Is this his
wedding invitation?

And this summer, they meet up in...
Top Groom.

Is she still allergic
to his semen?

Yeah.

Yup.

They should have
called it Risky Jizzness.



Missionary Impossible.

Cum Far and Away from My Vagina.

Thighs Wide Shut.

Cum Man.

That doesn't make any sense.

It's Rain Man, but with cum.

A Few Good Semen.

You can't handle my cum!

Whoa!

So, please celebrate with
us this Labor Day weekend.

In Los Angeles, the
City of Andrels.

Oh, God.

That's terrible.

He's plowing her with his
little angel donger.



Even in the afterlife, he's
got a substandard peen.

All right, let the Sacko
punishments begin.

I live for this.

There he is!

Ruxin!

Bam!

Hello, Ruxin.

Hey, guys.

It's time.

Time for what?

This is your day, bud.

Really?

Here's Sacko!

You're not supposed
to wear the outfit.

Yeah, right.

You try not putting
this thing on.

Taco, it's for him.

And, Rodney Ruxin, I can think
of no better way to start

off Sacko season than with your
first punishment, which will

include said Sacko suit with
said Sacko balls, walking into a

vegan restaurant, reading this.

"Don't you want me
in your mouth?"

Yeah!

You know what I'm thinking?

No.

Excuse me?

No, I won't do it.

Okay, dum-dum here is
really not getting it.

Listen to me, Ruxin.

You put the head on like this.

And then you run at people like this.

Check out my balls!

You're gonna want to get the
balls right up in there.

Oh, my God!

No!

Nice!

Yes!

You son of a bitch!

Just like this, Ruxin.

How do you like that?!

Yeah, I think I'm good.

No, no, you're not good.

You have to fulfill
the Sacko duties.

Tell him he has to do it, Jenny.

Yeah, if you don't fulfill your Sacko
duties, you're not in the league.

Ow, my fake testicles!

Well, then I guess I'm
not in the league.

I guess I quit.

What?

Deuces.

You're quitting?

Quit?

Kevin, I had another
accident in the suit.

This one's worse
than McGibblets.

Hey!

What's happening, fellas?

Hey.

Nothing that interests you.

You're not in the
league anymore.

Can't I just hang
out with my bros?

Your feigned disinterest
is bullshit.

Top Groom reporting for duty.

Oh, boy.

That's right, it's me, Maverick,
with a very important

message to RSVP to
my wedding, okay?

You guys are the only people who
have not RSVP'd to the wedding.

Because of that, your selection of
avatars is gonna be pretty bad, so...

We're not doing wedding avatars.

We really don't want to have
anything to do with this.

Why are you doing this in L.A.

anyway, by the way?

Uh, because Trixie's a huge fan
of old Hollywood, and I am a

huge fan of
destination weddings.

Top Groom is old Hollywood?

Totally.

But I get where all
this is coming from.

Even though I'm getting married, I'm gonna
be there for you a thousand percent.

You know what?

Let's take it easy.

I think 30% is fine.

I'll take 20% and zero
percent on weekends, please.

No, I'm giving you guys my all.

That's why I designated a room
in my house to be my man cave.

That's right.

How many dudes can you fit
inside your man cave?

Normally like four, but I could
probably fit about six or seven.

I bet you could stuff a bunch of dudes
in that cave if the entrance is right.

Ideally I'd have men coming
in and out all day long.

What's inside the man cave?

Is there carpeting?

Nope, all hard wood.

The man cave is all about
hardcore fun action.

But what if a dude wants to, like,
leave a cream pie in your man cave?

Oh, my God, I would love it.

I'd actually request all of you
bring cream pies to my man cave,

'cause you know I
got a sweet tooth.

Oh, we got a message from Ted.

Ooh, nice.

Video message.

All right, Ted, what you got?

Can you move that bottle
so I can see the screen?

No, this is league business.

It doesn't concern you.

I say we let him watch.

Behold, your champion.

I thought Ted was black.

I haven't seen you all in a
while, but what better way to

reconnect than by you all
kissing my perfectly tanned,

Californian championship ass.

Well, at least he's
still a cocky dick.

I don't remember him being
that good with sand.

Now, you're not gonna get
ripped like me by working out

only five minutes a day.

And you're not gonna get rich like me
by working only five minutes a day.

But you can win a fantasy league
filled with a bunch of idiots by

spending only five
minutes a day.

Honestly, winning was so simple.

The only thing easier
is Andre's sister.

Come on.

She's such a slut.

The Ted draft will be
held in California.

California?

So I will see you all
in Cali, bitches.

Learn how to draft.

California, a little sunshine, and by
the way, there's already something that

we have to do in California.

The wedding thing, right?

Uh-huh, a little combo?

Oh, yeah...
Destination draft.

No, destination wedding.

Destination draft.

It sounds better.

Yeah.

Ruxin, what do you think?

Well, I'll probably go to the
wedding, but I'm not in the

league, I don't really give
a shit about the draft.

Yeah, right, right,
you don't care.

Ruxin, remember to
pick your avatar.

Groot is still available.

Well, what do you mean you don't
have room in your league?

Right, that's why a 13-person
league would be awesome.

You know what?

I'm glad I fired you
last month, Neil.

Go suck a D.

Yeah, I'm in.

Buddy, for real?

Yeah, I'll be in your
Domination League.

Ah, bro, you are not
gonna regret this.

You are gonna love being
in the Domination League.

Right, right, right.

Hey, man, where's
your toilet paper?

Wait, are you in my
house right now?

Yes, I'm in your house?

Are you in the guest bathroom?

Master bathroom.

Why didn't you use
the guest bathroom?

'Cause I'm family?

Oh, you know what?

I'll just used this monogrammed
toilet paper that's here.

No, Rafi, those are monogrammed
towels I got for my wedding!

Oh, God, it's like wiping peanut
butter out of a shag carpet.

We want this cake to pop.

People are sick and tired
of cakes that are sweet.

Right.

Yes, sweet is old fashioned.

It is passé.

We want to do something
that people will remember.

You guys, I have some bad news.

We're not gonna be able to do
the remote controlled flying

cake that dogfights and
shoots chocolate bullets.

When were you gonna
tell us this?

When did you think
to tell us this?

Right now, I thought
would be a good time.

I just... What are we gonna do now?
I feel... Wait a second.

I'm getting an idea.

What if we have a cake that you cut
open and inside... there's a cake.

No, a pie.

No...
Donuts!

Oh!

I'll check and see if that's
something that we can do, and

I'll get a couple more samples.

You're so smart.

You're so smart.

Wait, um, before I go, any
allergies I should be aware of?

No.

No.

Great. Thanks.

Can we have some
real talk for a sec?

Absolutely.

I'm a little stressed out about
this whole best man thing.

So I was thinking about maybe
doing, like, a Bachelor style

competition... Oh!

...to figure out who
the best man could be.

I love that.

And people love competition.

I'm so glad that I was able
to jump that idea off you.

Well, I love you.

I love you.

Infinity.

You know, I was actually
thinking maybe we could even

have the draft over the wedding
weekend, all the guys, everybody.

Mm-mm, mm-mm, no.

No, this is our special, happy,
wonderful wedding weekend.

We're getting married.

You're not getting
married to your league.

No.

You're right, I won't,
we won't have the draft.

Mm.

I promise.

Thank you. Ooh, what's this?!

So this is a hamachi crudo cake...
Hello.

...with salmon roe.

Mmm!

Ooh! That wasabi?

Yeah.

Wow, a fish cake.

That's really... Still
burns a little bit.

Babe, people are
gonna love this.

Bad news. I talked to Trixie, and she
vetoed the draft for wedding weekend.

She doesn't have that power.

Absolutely not. No!

No.

We're having the draft.

Ted wants to have the
draft in California.

That's where we're having it.

Yeah, but I'm the groom.

Yeah, but Shiva Bowl
champion trumps groom.

Every time.

Second?

That does not... Come on. But you're
putting me in a really uncomfortable

position here.

Just relax, okay?

It's very simple.

Friday night is the
bachelor party.

Guess who's not gonna be
at the bachelor party?

Ah, Andre.

No. Trixie.

So we can draft there, and
she won't know about it.

Secret draft.

Yeah.

No, no, no, guys.

That bachelorette party is at
the exact same time, so...

So it looks like we'll be drafting while
you have to have sex with Trixie.

What?

There isn't gonna be any sex
at the bachelorette party.

>I've had sex at every bachelorette
party I've ever been to.

Oh, uh, film it.

You'll want those memories.

Good call.

Oh.

To the secret draft.

Secret draft.

Ooh... Fine, but I'm not
that comfortable with this.

Ah, who gives a shit?

So, Andre, what's going on?

Why the last-minute invite?

This best man thing
has been killing me.

Where is everybody else?

But I made a decision.

Oh, no, no, get up.

Get up, please.

Pete Eckhart, will you be my...
best man?

You're offering me a rose?

It's not a rose.

It's a brose.

And this is a broposal.

Oh, Andre, I am so flattered.

And as much as I would love to
be your best man, believe me,

nothing would bring me more joy...
I just think about the other guys.

I mean, how would they feel?

There could be a lot of
hurt feelings, Andre.

A lot of jealousy.

We all love you so much.

And that's why I think it would
be prudent if you chose Taco.

Pete.

Ruxin.

Kevin.

You're so wise.

Yeah.

Good talk.

Andre... I will
be your best man.

What?

Yeah. That way, you can go back to the
guys and say, "I couldn't possibly pick

between the four of you,
so I went with Jenny."

That's a great idea.

Yeah.

Then none of my
bros will be upset.

Right.

Instead of my goose, you're gonna be...
my gander.

Yeah.

This is gonna be fun.

Not for you, but for me.

For you, it's gonna be
a lot of hard work.

No, I mean, I think I... the
day of, I just stand there

and I give you the ring.

I help with the bachelor party and...
Sex tips? I need 'em.

Dirty stuff.

Oh, God.

Nice sweats, Gander.

Stop looking at my ass, Ruxin.

Los Angeles-- loosely
translated to "Lost Angels."

And this weekend is gonna
be a Andre spectacular.

I'm talking about performance art,
I'm talking about a gypsy carnival.

Oh, what is this?

Whoa!

Hey!

Hey, guys. How are ya?!

Good to see you.

Good to see you, man!

How are ya, Taco?

Ted used to just crush
ass in high school.

I did.

We called him "lady killer."

I did. Crushed.

Crushed 'em. Hey, Sacko.

How you doing, buddy?

I'm not The Sacko.

I'm not in the league.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

It's a shame.

He's gonna miss a hell of a draft...
and bachelor party.

Draft on the down low.

Uh, everyone, cheers, please.

Wow.

Thank you so much, Ted.

Bubbly.

You look amazing.

What have you been up to?

Yeah!

Thank you. Thanks.

Just, uh, clean living.

Lost, you know, 72 pounds.

Whoa.

I mean, what's
going on with you?

You come out here,
you get all skinny.

You don't come visit
us in Chicago.

Well, no, I've had a crazy few years,
and I actually wanted to tell you

about it.

Um, I have AIDS.

Seriously, I do.

Oh.

Lady killer, huh?

No.

Wait-- you have AIDS or HIV?

No, no, I had HIV.

Now I have AIDS.

Full-blownsies?

Yep.

I'm so sorry, Ted.

Uh... Not a big deal.

I'm the same Ted, all right?

I'm feeling great, I've
been taking my cocktail.

So everything's good.

Honestly, I've
never felt better.

I just want you to know that,
as a doctor, if you ever need

anything, I am more than happy to...
Andre, AIDS doesn't need a calf implant.

Everything's fine. Cheers!

Okay.

To AIDS.

To forgetting about it.

To forgetting about it.

What AIDS, right?

I drank out of all
those glasses.

Mm!

What?

Okay, that's... What?

I'm kidding! I'm kidding.

I think it's awesome
that you have AIDS.

I mean, you get to use that
special lane on the highway.

Oh, no, that's HOV.

Ah, HOV.

Now that's the disease you want.

Whoa-whoa! Whoa!

Oh, shit.

Ha-ha! Whoo-hoo!

You invited Rafi
to your wedding?

No, I didn't.

He found out about it.

Ooh-ooh! Rafi's here!

Hey.

Take this to my room.

Oh, Jesus! Don't...

What'd I miss?

Sorry I'm late.

Ruxin made fun of Andre's
shirt and Ted has AIDS.

Nice shirt.

Seriously? Wait a minute. What?

Yeah.

Dude, you got the AIDS?

Yep.

I'm about to do you
a real solid here.

All right.

Every morning, take a
baby aspirin, okay?

If you're gonna fly, take two.

That's it?

Boom. That shit will
be gone in a month.

Yes! Welcome!

Who's ready to draft?

Wow, Ted, amazing.

Good to see you.

Yeah.

Ladies, uh, could we, uh, get
my friends lubricated, please?

Thank you.

Well, nothing says bachelor
draft like scantily clad women

in Sticker Bitch shirts.

Yes. Guys... What?

...this is supposed
to be a secret draft.

Andre, it says "Secret
fantasy draft."

Bold letters just screaming it.

I know, but everyone
will know it's a secret.

Secret draft!

Secret draft!

Quiet! Shh! Quiet!

Come on, please!

Okay, so are we all here?

Are we ready?

Uh, yeah, Chuck's in
rehab again, though.

Well, that just leaves... What?

Sir?

What?

Would you like to join
us for the draft?

Oh, I'm not drafting.

I'm not participating in the
fantasy football league this year.

Really? You're gonna stand five feet
from us and you're not gonna draft?

Yeah, I'm in Los Angeles to
celebrate the union of the two

classiest, most
tasteful people I know.

Hey!

Yeah.

You are so full of it.

I'll be at the bar
drinking alone.

Guys, he's really missing out because
this is gonna be a draft to remember.

I guarantee you.

There he is.

What?

You guys are familiar with the
bone-crushing power of the

2012 Defensive Player
of the Year J.J. Watt?

Yeah.

He's the bachelor, huh?

That's the guy.

Uh, indeed I am.

I've seen, uh, a lot of bachelor
party punishments in my

day, and this is the worst,
the worst I've seen.

Okay, first of all, it's not a
punishment, and I'll have you

know it's part of the Rob
Kardashian collection, so yeah.

Oh, that's why you look like a
blind kid at his first rave.

Drinks are here.

Everyone drink up.

The champion declares this
draft party in session.

Thank you.

Very generous.

Ted is just hanging out with J.J.
Watt like it's a normal

thing, like they're friends.

I got to say Ted has
improved somehow.

Full-blown Ted has a
better life than we have.

Kevin, he has AIDS.

We should be so lucky.

Yeah, I would like the
AIDS-vantage that Ted has.

Now, let's face it.

Full-blown Ted's got a less
restricted sex life than Andre.

To Ted.

Ted!

I'll drink to that.

What's this-- a dumb dildo convention?

Where are you pulling
these hot dogs from?

Pocket dogs.

I always got a hot dog in
my pocket-- you want one?

I don't want any pocket dogs.

Okay, fine.

I don't even want to
be in this league.

Do you know what I mean?

Who does?

Domination League--
now we're talking.

Now you're playing
with the big boys.

Yeah.

Speaking of... Mm-hmm.

You're not posting at all
on the message board.

Everybody's freaking out.

Rafi, from what I can tell, the
message board is just a chat

room for a bondage Web site.

You're not wrong.

What is that?

Oh, good, you brought the drugs.

No, this is Ted's AIDS cocktail.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I put
two and two together.

That guy doesn't win a
championship for eight years,

and then he starts to take these
little babies and wins one, huh?

Do we all see what's
going on here?

Please, do not take those.

Oh, I already took them.

What?

Yeah, I ate a whole bag full.

A lot.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Are we ready to start the
next year of my championship?

Ruxin, last chance.

Are you in or out?

I'm out like white blazers.

Nice one, man.

Up top.

I'll never touch your hand.

Yeah, that's a good call.

There's something really
messed up with my nails.

I'll just manage two teams.

You're not taking Ruxin's spot.

No, no, no, you guys.

Come on.

Look who you're dealing with.

I took care of it.

What?

Is he gonna do it for real?

He's gonna do it.

How many teams are
we working with?

We're rocking... We're solid.

We keep it tight, you know?

...eight.

Eight?

That's pretty weak.

But I'll do it.

Yeah!

Yes!

J.J. Watt!

Aw, man, I don't
know who that is.

As the Sacko commmmissioner, I would
like to propose one rule change.

I know we all love the name of
our beloved Sacko trophy, but I

have discovered one name that is
is even more symbolic of that

which you do not want to be.

I give you... the Ruxin.

What?

Oh, my God!

That is horrible.

Look at that.

Oh, my God, you captured
his vinegar strokes.

With an ode to his herdsmanship.

Wait, why is there a statue of
Joe Paterno with my name on it?

Here, come here, let me hold it.

Here you go.

Oh, man.

Yeah, I don't touch that.

Joke's on you because I'm
the one who's cumming.

It looks like his
head sat in gum.

When you're in a Domination League,
we're talking 12 teams, PPR.

This is a keeper league, so if
you got a QB you like, you got a

cute girl that one of us knows, you
want to keep her, you're allowed.

All right, you're up, J.J.

First pick for Ruxin,
make it pretty.

I think this team needs a
defense, and I think it's gonna

be the Houston defense.

Yes!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!

Yes, defense!

No, no, no, you animal!

You got a problem
with the Houston D?

No, I don't have a problem
with the Houston D.

You know, I think J.J.

doesn't have too much time, so
we should let him just take his

second round pick.

Cool, cool, cool.

Hey, Blaire, come on in.

Hey, what's up?

How you doing, man?

Good to see you.

Blair Walsh, kicker for
the Minnesota Vikings.

Of course.

Close, personal friend.

Go ahead, take a pick, pal.

First pick in the second round.

What does this team need?

Adrian Peterson probably.

I think maybe the kicker.

Yes!

How about Blair Walsh?

No... no!

A defense in the first round,
a kicker in the second round?

This is insane!

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

Oh, that's right, you're
not in the league anymore.

Fine!

I will do whatever you want.

I will rejoin the league, okay?

Okay, but you are going to
take that team as it is.

Fine, I'll still
whip all your asses.

Even with the Houston D and
the Blair Kick Project here.

Not before you do your
Sacko punishments.

Recognize this guy?

Hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a second.

Where the hell do you
think you're going?

I'm going to rejoin my league.

Excuse me?

Because last I checked,
you joined my league!

Yeah, and I'm unjoining
your league.

You can't unjoin the
Domination League!

You have sworn yourself to
the hands of these people!

So what?

I vouched for you, okay?

This looks bad on me!

This dishonors me, and
all I have is my honor!

Oh, right, you're like
a samurai, huh, Rafi?

I am a samurai!

Rafi, your toilet and your goddamn
kitchen occupy the same metal tub.

Just like a samurai!

These things itch.

Things I do for my friends.

It's just ridiculous.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, you got Ruxin.

I'll do whatever you guys want.

Just, Andre, keep your hands
away from my tush, okay?

No promises.

Who's that?

What the hell is this?

What the hell?

Welcome to the
Domination League.

We doing the draft?

No, we're not doing a draft.

It's a league meeting.

Jesus, Spazinelli, we told
you it's obviously not the

draft-- we don't have
gerbils or hot sauce.

We have nothing, I mean...
We don't have anything.

We should
use our deeper voices.

Yeah, use the deep voices, guys.

I think the deep voices are
only when we have the masks on.

Well, we didn't... No one clarified
it before... The masks are...

...exactly how we were gonna do it...
You're Dirty Randy.

Yeah!

Wait, Russell?

Yes, it's me.

No, it's a porcelain
murder doll.

You guys, I'm not in
the Domination League.

Oh, but you are in the
Domination League.

The only way to get out
of this league is to die.

Or be killed.

Bow!

Bloh!

Bow!

You can never leave.

It's like the Hotel California.

Exactly.

But with more teeth and puss.

Wasn't the Hotel California
kind of a sad, puss-y place?

Okay, it's exactly like
the Hotel California.

Only less douchey Don
Henley bullshit.

Do not insult Don Henley!

You guys need to get
your act together!

And until you do, I'm not
gonna be in this league!

You're not going anywhere!

You're not anywhere, pretty boy.

You're not going anywhere,
pretty, pretty boy.

You just checked in...
to the hotel.

Spaz!

Spaz, we moved on.

What is wrong with you?

Everybody, shut up.

Ruxin, you need to be punished for
shunning the Domination League.

Prepare to be hunted.

And then we're gonna skin you
and wear you like a coat.

Chill out, Spaz.

Spaz.

Spazinelli, calm down, these
are just paintball guns.

I'm so confused.

Are we actually gonna
kill him or not?

No, we're not gonna
kill anybody.

Is that a trident
made of dildos?

I do not know what a trident
is, but these are dildos.

Hey, Ruxin.

Run, rabbit, run.

Oh, God, Rafi, please, please!

Make it stop!

It'll stop when you're dead.

Are we using our
deep voices or our normal voices?

I think this one's broken, guys.

Please, no!