The League (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 9 - Bro-Lo El Cordero - full transcript

PETE: Well, I got some bad
news on my end, guys.

My old Gumpa Duke is headed
into a retirement home.

ANDRE: Aw!

KEVIN: Oh, really?

RUXIN: No! I like Gumpa Duke,
and I hate all old people.

I know. It's just a bummer.

He's got some mental faculty
issues, and Gumma Eve had no

choice but to kind of put him in there.

Everybody's getting old.

Everybody.

I mean, it's, like, staring
us in the face at this point.



Why are you so down about getting old?

Eating salad. What's going on?

Well, I'm just... I'm trying to
eat healthier because I have

a thing that I'm planning for.

You going to the mall to get
your glamour shots done?

No. I have to get a colonoscopy
for my life insurance.

Oh, that's not a big deal.

It's like getting an enema.

They're easy.

I'm not going to make fun of
him getting a colonoscopy,

especially since the amateur
ones you've been giving him over

the years have not been working.

Oh.

Look, here we are.



Boo-oop!

Does it ever get old, Ruxin?

Pete-Kevin dick jokes?

It does.

Fine. I'll stop.

I just need one last score.

It's not a heist movie, Ruxin.

You know, by the way, we should
also put a moratorium on

the Andre-dresses-bad jokes.

ALL: No!

Absolutely not.

Timeless.

Hope I see you again.

I'm in room 117.

Gumpa Duke?

Hi. Hi. It's... Gumpa Duke,
it's your grandson, Pete.

Of course, I know.

It's little Petey.

How are you?

Wait. You know who I am.

Of course I do.

What the hell's the matter with you?
Come on.

I-I... I don't know.

I heard some things.

I don't know.

So, what brings you out here?

I hadn't seen you in a while.

I think it's been... Is it
since Fourth of July, I think?

Uncle Steve's barbecue.

It was in August.

Twenty-fifth of August, I think.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Forgot about that.

Still got that 2008 Crown Vic?

I do. I... I, in fact, have that car.

Maybe I'll get you a Triple
A card for your birthday.

March 28, isn't it?

Yes. My... Grandpa, I got to say, you...
You look great, you-you sound

great, your memory's like a steel trap.

I-I got to wonder what
you're doing in here.

Wendy.

Hello.

Oh, how beautiful you are.

Oh, thank you.

Oh. (Muttering)

Oh, my goodness.

Oh!

Oh, dear.

(Wendy laughs)

Oh, my goodness. Oh.

(Wendy clears throat)

Oh!

Gumpa Duke! Gumpa Duke!

Gumpa Duke, what are you...?

What are you doing? This... You
know, this is not Gumma Eve.

This is not my wife?

Oh.

The hand kind of fell to the
butt, and I was, like, "Oh",

"maybe it was a mistake," and
then it moved over to the other

butt cheek, and then he just
scooped it and got under there.

Really?

I mean, he was getting frisky
with some random older woman.

Guys, it's sad.

This guy is losing his faculties.

Well, it is sad if it's Alzheimer's.

But what do you mean?

Well, I'm saying, there's a little bit
of selective memory going on here, okay?

He quoted my high school
pole vault record to me.

So it could be Alzheimer's or adultery.

Look, all I'm saying is, I'm
beginning to suspect that the

only thing he's forgotten
is that he's married.

I just hate thinking about old
people having sex, just like

a dried-up potato stuffing
its way into a crusty sock.

Oh.

TACO: Old people sex is quite beautiful.

They know what they like, and no
awkward abortion conversation.

Getting old is just the worst!

Now I have this colonoscopy appointment.

You know, they tell you, you
have to have someone drive you

home because you're going
to be heavily sedated?

That's why I am your
colonoscopy co-pilot.

That's right.

Just because they're going
downtown on you doesn't mean

that we can't go downtown, too.

Plan the perfect day for the two of us.

No. No, no, no.

There's no perfect day.

Pick you up, we'll go see a movie, okay?

No. No, we're not going
to see a movie, Andre.

Go see Lincoln.

I want to see Lincoln again.

You want me to have a
colonoscopy, and then go spend

three and a half hours watching Daniel
Day-Lewis play Abraham Lincoln?

Okay, you know what?

We'll just get Indian food, like
I originally planned, and we

won't go see the movie.

What?

I'm not doing that, either.

All right, we'll just hang out in
my car, I'll play you some tunes.

I've actually made him my own mix
tape, which is really... I'll walk.

I'm gonna walk home.

JENNY: Taco?

(Taco sighs)

What is all this stuff?

Why do I come here for free food if
you're not gonna get the stuff I ask for?

You know what, Taco?

I don't have time to worry about this.

I am late picking Ellie
up from gymnastics.

Just grab something and go.

Ooh! Fruit roll-up.

No.

Oh, you dirty girl.

Edible underwear.

They were a joke gift from a
bachelorette party, Taco.

So you keep them in the pantry?

I could have eaten these.

Where am I supposed to put them?

It's not like I have a sex drawer, Taco.

Where do you put all your
dildos and your nipple clamps?

Ugh. Just..

Just give them to me.

You don't think Kevin would
ever go for these, do you?

He likes sex, and he likes food.

It's kind of a no-brainer.

Hmm.

How are we doing here?

How are you?

I'm good, Kevin.

I'm Dr. Whalen.

Please call me Pete.

I'm be... I'll... (Kevin laughs)

That's good.

What's that?

That's good. Okay.

Ruxin put you up to that?

That's funny.

I'm sorry. I don't... Is he here? Ruxin?

I don't know who that is.

He didn't tell you to tell me that your
name was Pete just to mess with me?

Uh, no. My name actually is-is Pete.

Aah. All right.

Anyway, the procedure takes
a little under an hour.

You've clearly already
had your anesthesia.

Uh, we'll be inserting a small
tube with a camera at the end of

it into the rectum, and then
up through the colon, and, uh,

later on today, you're going
to experience some bloating,

probably some mild flatulence.

Normal.

Um, that's probably why you're...
why you're here.

Can I see it?

I'm so sorry.

Can you see what?

The camera tube?

Oh.

Camera tube?

You know, I have to advise against that.

Yeah.

I want to see it.

It is, in my professional
opinion, that you shouldn't.

In my non-professional opinion...
Well, right there.

How about if I brought over
some food, and made you close

your eyes and just shoved
it into your mouth?

Would you like that?

That's a fair point.

All right.

Thank you.

It's really not a big deal.

Okay, okay.

Here is the tube.

Oh, my God.

Now, don't... It's... Oh, my God!

It's very small.

What's this part?

This isn't going in.

That won't fit.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. Relax.

It won't fit.

This stays on the outside.

This is just for me so I can do this.

Oh. Oh, my God! It moves!

Yeah. I have full control over
where we're looking in there.

This is a horrible mistake.

No, it isn't. No, Kevin.

You should never show anybody that.

Well, I did warn you about that.

Listen, if at any time, you're uncomfortable...
Yeah, right now.

As in, right now, this time...
Let's just... let's keep an

open dialogue then, okay?

"Pete, be gentle."

"Pete, that's too rough."

"Pete, you've gone too deep."

"Hopefully, " Pete, you went in,
you went out, and I didn't

even feel it."

Let's just keep talking.

Pete and Kevin are in
this together, okay?

And if Pete's not around, Jenny's here.

Say, "Jenny, this feels really great."

Well, Pete... Oh, God. Let's just do it.

Okay, let's just let Pete
take care of everything.

Oh!

Hey, Gumma, I got your message.
What's going on?

Oh, I came to see Duke, and I couldn't find him.
I... He wasn't in his room.

He wasn't anywhere.

It's, like... All right,
listen, I'm here.

I don't want you to worry about anything;
I'm gonna go find our Gumpa, okay?

Oh, thank you, honey.

Gumpa Duke?

Hello?

(man and woman moaning)

Oh, God, this is fantastic.

WOMAN: Oh, Duke, oh.

Oh, Duke, yes!

(moans)

(moaning)

Oh, Duke!

Oh, you wonderful, wonderful...
(groans) Gumpa!

Gumpa, no, no!

Gumpa, get that... get that out of there.

Gumpa!

(gasps) Who are you?

Gumpa, this is not your wife!

It's not my wife?

No, this is not your wife!

This is not my room?

No, no, but your real wife is
in this building right now, so

we're gonna have... Oh, my God.

Condoms, really?

What do you think, you're
gonna get her pregnant?

You can never be too safe.

Okay, enough, enough.

You need to put this on.

We need to get out of here.

This is full-on adultery.

This is not Alzheimer's.

So he is treating this
old-age home like a dorm.

Oh, yeah, he's loving it.

He's just, like, cruising the halls
looking for horny old widows.

He's got the condoms.

It's like Spring Break 1936 for him.

I got to say, I know he's your
grandpa and he's cheating

on your grandma, but I
respect him even more now.

Gumpa's a goddamn genius is what he is.

I'm gonna start doing that.

I just can't ever remember
what the disease is called.

Alzheimer's.

No, that's not it.

Well, well, well, if it
isn't the trade rapist.

Uh, I'm sorry, what?

Are you kidding me?

You trade-raped me in
the doctor's office.

I was drugged to the gills, and you took
advantage of me and my running backs.

I did not trade-rape you.

I traded with you.

No, it wasn't consensual.

In what world would I possibly
give you Trent Richardson and

Reggie Bush for Pierre Garcon?

Okay, let me refresh your
memory on how it went down...

I wanted to thank you for taking time
out of your day to come and pick me up.

It means a lot.

Hey, anything for friends.

Yes, for friends.

Best friends.

Best friends.

RUXIN/PETE: Bullshit!

Thank you.

Not bullshit.

Then you informed me about this
"running back" problem that you had.

I have so many running backs, and I
constantly am playing the wrong ones.

It's so frustrating.

What I could really use is a tight end.

Uh, well, you should've thought
of that before the colonoscopy.

(chuckling)

Man, your wit is so quick.

Thank you.

Let's talk trade.

All right.

Here we go.

Great.

I am so lucid right now.

This is probably the
best thing we can do.

Then we saw Lincoln, which we
loved, I dropped you off at

home, high-fived, and the night was over.

Do you really think that's
what happened, Andre?

I know that's what happened.

Well, here's how I remember it...
Hello, young Kevin.

(chuckles drowsily)

It's... the Dre.

Oh, God, that shirt is awful.

Now, let's talk running backs.

You've got them and I want them.

(weakly): You know I don't have 'em.

Do it.

I don't.

Do it.

(crying): No.

(cackling evilly)

I'm taking advantage of you!

(cackling)

You trade-roofied me.

Just 'cause you made a bad trade
doesn't mean that you can

just cry and then we can
change it at the last second.

No, I made a bad decision by having
you pick me up from the hospital.

I didn't come here to have
my character assassinated.

Like Lincoln in the end of
the movie, spoiler alert.

But you should see it.

It's really good.

So I am out.

Good day.

Unbelievable.

Wow.

I mean, Ruxin, you got to
do something about this.

This is your first big
decision as Commissioner.

Well, I will review all the
facts, and I will make a fair

and impartial decision in due time.

No, no, I want a decision now.

I want my players back.

Buddy, you watched peewee
football refs blow calls in the

NFL for five weeks, you can
wait a minute for my decision.

Got to say, I'm loving the valet.

Yeah, me first.

Oh... Yeah, there it is.

(phone rings)

Hey, what's up, Andre?

Not cool, Ruxin, not cool.

You were there, okay?

And you said you were gonna protect me.

I can't... I can't hear you.

ANDRE (over car Bluetooth):

You told me, "Andre, I got your back."

Andre, I'll protect you in this."

(echoing over Bluetooth):

I'll call you... I'll
call you back, okay?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, I'll call you back.

ANDRE (over car Bluetooth):

Everyone's pissed off at me and why?

Because you can't keep a promise!

You always love a trade, Ruxin!

You were in the room with me and Kevin.

I'll call you right back!

Uh, Ruxin, we heard Andre
through the goddamn car.

What the hell's going on?

That's not my car and that's not Andre.

Tell us the truth.

Fine!

I showed up at the doctor's
office to make sure that

everything was on the up and up.

You finish the trade yet?

Would you like Percy Harvin?

I don't give a shit.

Just give me someone.

They're all junk anyway.

Get it done.

Oh, my God, what's going on in here?

(narrating): Kevin was
a farty, loopy mess.

Andre is taking this hot, sour wind
that Kevin is passing on to him.

I'm gonna give you Pierre Garcon, and
I'm gonna take Reggie Bush and Trent

Richardson.

Done.

But let's seal it with a kiss.

RUXIN (narrating): That room
smelled like a bucket of

cauliflower had lit a
pile of shit on fire.

Oh, God, it smells like a
can of tuna had diarrhea.

(narrating): I mean, this room
smelled like Nick Nolte and Gary.

Busey were doing squats in there.

Was it trade-rape or not?

Okay, under oath, I couldn't
tell if that was Kevin being

drugged up or his general
ape-like cavorting.

Andre, hold me up.

(Andre groaning)

Oh! Shh, shh, shh, shh!

(farts)

RUXIN (narrating): All I can say
for sure is that this place

smelled like a Cambodian war prison.

It seemed to be a fair trade to me.

(groans) That's really
just bullshit, Ruxin.

You failed to protect the
integrity of the league, Ruxin.

And, look, that's neither
here nor there, okay?

None of us here can be objective
about this, and we got to figure

out a way to solve this.

I know someone who can
help us out with this.

I've heard what you guys have
to say, and I just want to say,

like, I'm-I'm honored that you trust
me to make this decision for you.

No. We don't trust you.

Oh, sorry.

I'm being super-rude.

I don't have any chairs for you
guys to sit on. I'm sorry.

Raffi.

What about all those chairs?

Yeah, what about those?

Oh, no, those are load-bearing chairs.

Toilet-kitchen's open.

Anybody want a cup of
coffee or take a shit?

Ooh, I'll take a coffee.

You know what, Taco?

I'm not sure how fresh that
coffee or poop is, so you might

not want to drink that, to be honest.

So, you have the facts in front
of you, and it'd be best

if you just made a decision.

Yeah, okay. (Sighs)

My brain biscuits are turning.

I've got a lot of experience
with roofies and rape, so that's

good news for you guys.

I'm gonna figure this out.

I'm gonna crack the code.

I'll have your decision in 24 hours. I'm...
ALL: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, Raffi.

What are you doing, buddy?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Are you shooting heroin now?

No, this isn't heroin.

It's insulin.

I'm diabetic.

You do know that a heroin
addiction is not diabetes, right?

I don't do heroin, guys.

I only shoot up medicine.

I smoke drugs. Like bath salts.

You on bath salts right now?

Oh, yeah, big time.

(door opens)

I'm here to fix your toilet-kitchen.

Now's not a good time, okay?

I have guests.

I'm gonna come back and
fix your toilet-kitchen.

Okay, good, please do because
something's clogging it up.

It's either... a giant shit I took or the
lasagna I tried to shove down there.

Did you take my cat?

It's not even your cat, really; it's
a cat that lives in the building.

I take care of that cat.

I give him milk.

I give him food every day.

It's my cat.

You took it.

I didn't take your cat.

I'm going to come back
and fix that later.

Good, come back and unclog it, please.

(door slams)

Spoiler alert: guess what he's
going to find when he unclogs

it: his (bleep) cat.

Maybe we should go grab a beer.

I'll take you for a walk and
get you some apple juice.

Come on.

It's nice seeing you guys so in love.

That's right, little Pete.

(cell phone vibrating)

Oh.

"Michael Turner did not
participate in practice.

Won't play."

Oh, shit.

Who's got you, Quiz?

Nobody's got you, Quiz.

Pete gonna get you, Quiz.

Pete gon... Oh, no, don't die.

Don't... Are you kidding me?

No.

Shit.

Uh... No... Shit.

Ah... Oh.

(steady beeping)

Yes! Score!

(rapid beeping)

(woman gasping)

(coughing)

Oh, shit.

Sorry, sorry.

I was just trying to get power.

We're... we're good.

Wendy.

Plug that back in.

Okay, we're back.

Wendy, my darling.

Oh, are you all right?

Oh, yes.

Oh, I love you, my love.

Duke!

What are you doing?

Duke!

Get up.

Who was that woman I...?

I am a very, very sick man.

Oh, sure you are.

Come on, honey, you're going
home right this minute.

No.

You are going to do the dishes.

Petey.

You're going to take out the
garbage, and you are going to

drive me home right now!

No, no, I'm not.

I like it here.

Pete, Petey... Get out here.

Sorry, Grandpa.

Bye, Duke!

I am loving my team.

Look at me.

Watch out.

Oh, oh!

Hey, hey!

(grunts, sighs)

(muffled yelling)

Go to sleep, Brian.

I'll be here when you wake up.

(panting)

No...!

(yelling and grunting)

(echoey panting)

(distorted): Hey!

Hey, Brian!

Get up!

Brian, hey, hey.

You got to wake up, man.

Hey, seriously.

Come on, come on.

You got to wake up, man.

We got to get in there right now.

Oh, God!

It's your best friend, Raffi.

I hate you.

Listen to me, okay?

You guys asked me to settle a dispute,
okay, and that's what I'm doing.

I drugged you, I kidnapped
you A-Team-style.

Oh, my God.

And now we are going to
settle this like men.

Because the only justice is in la lucha!

(crowd cheering)

Andre?

Is that Andre?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Although, tonight, he is just
somebody you are here to murder.

Okay?

(bell dings)

All right, let's do this!

(crowd cheering)

The next fight is El Crotcho del
Fuego versus La Hermaphrodita!

(crowd booing)

No, no, no, no, no boos.

Dick and pussy.

No, I only have a dick.

No pussy.

Fight!

Come on!

Just admit that you trade-raped me.

You got us into this mess.

Now get us out.

I did not trade-rape you.

What the hell is this place, Taco?

What is going on?

I don't know.

I only come here on Tuesdays
for kangaroo fighting.

By the way, don't eat
anything off the floor.

And Raffi told you Kevin would be here?

'Cause he was supposed to
meet me for date night.

Oh, there he is.

Hey, Kevin.

Kevin?

Kevin, what are...?

Oh, my God!

Remember, his weak spot is his dick.

Kevin, what are you doing?

What is he doing?

Only one of you can leave the ring alive!

You accepted that trade willingly.

I would never accept a
trade from you willingly.

Because you're a moron!

At least I don't have an
asterisk on my trophy.

Are you kidding me?

Your championship was a joke, Andre.

Oh, it was a joke?

Shit in his mouth!

At least I'm the best fantasy
football player in my house.

(yelling)

(crowd cheering)

Come on, Andre!

Come on, baby!

I'm choking.

Andre, let go.

You're choking me!

(cheering)

(cheering)

Admit you did it!

All right, I-I... I admit it.

You were a farty, loopy mess
when I traded with you, and it

felt great!

Trade denied.

(crowd cheering)

(bell dings)

The next fight of the evening is...
Bro-lo El Cordero...

(crowd cheering)

...versus El Abogado Malo.

(crowd booing)

What's going on?

Where am I?

No, I don't want to get out.

No, I don't want to get out!

No!

Get in the ring!

Stop it!

El Abogado Malo!

What the hell is going on?

Where am I?

Baby Geoffrey can only have one father.

And so it begins!

What?

No!

I got my money on Raffi!

(indistinct yelling)

Low bl-blood sugar.

I won!

Suck it!

Hey, no, no.

He's having a diabetic seizure.

We need to get him some sugar.

Anyone have any sugar?

I got this.

I'll pee on him.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

He needs something like... like
juice or candy, something sweet.

Does anyone have anything sweet?

I do. I got this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, stop, stop.

What are you doing?

I was trying to do
something special for you.

What is that?

Edible underwear?

Sit on my face.

What?

I'll eat it off of you.

That's the most efficient
delivery system.

Just eat that.

(Raffi grunting)

Even through the
high-fructose corn syrup,

I can still taste the Jenny.

(others groaning)

Tastes so good.