The League (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 8 - The Anchor Baby - full transcript

RUXIN: ♪ Ruxin's on my bed

And he's mackin' some cheese.

Checkin' out some legal briefs.

And watchin' TV. ♪

I got to do an album.

(mumbles)

(over TV): They don't want to
fall behind on the road in this

hostile environment with this
noisy crowd, and to play with

the league, they want to be balanced.

They've been excellent at
running the football and

throwing it... almost 200
yards in each category.



Hi.

Hi.

I was just using this
fork to comb my hair?

You look beautiful.

You want to maybe get a little exercise?

Little exercise?

Little cardio?

Hmm, yeah, I could do some cardio.

(Ruxin chuckles)

I freaked out.

My wife has completely changed
her pubic configuration.

She went from the pizza slice
straight up to a breadstick.

She's relandscaping the whole
front yard for resale.

She is going to leave me.



I-I can feel it.

KEVIN: I don't know what the issue is.

She's not complaining.

What's the big deal?

75% of the words that come
out of my wife's mouth are

complaints, and now all is quiet
on the Ruxin front... too quiet.

She is souring on this marriage,
and can you blame her?

She looks like she belongs on a
beer poster, and I look like the

guy who makes you answer riddles
before you cross a bridge.

ANDRE: Could it just be that
she loves you for your quirks

and that maybe... just
maybe... she's happy?

No, my wife is too smart to be happy.

I think it's more possible
that she's happy than smart.

Oh, you guys want proof?

She has switched from yoga to Pilates.

Oh.

Ooh.

So she wants to be healthier and
more attractive, and that's bad?

Andre, yoga is communist cardio, and
Pilates is free-market capitalism.

She is deregulating that body so
that corporations can come in

and just go to town on that puss.

Everybody knows that the sole
purpose for Pilates is to get

the muscles ready just to
be pounded on by dudes.

Uh, hello, I took Pilates.

Exactly, case in point.

What?

I've never been pounded on by dudes.

TACO: Define "never."

You know what?

If I did make that choice, I would hope
that you would support me... all of you.

Of course we would support you.

We would support your head while
dudes just dumped loads into the

back of your throat... gah!

Place is pretty awesome.

I think you're going to like it.

JENNY: Cool.

Who's Dr. Robert Melvoy?

Oh, he's some psychologist
who used to live here.

Check it out.

Taco, this is really nice.

How'd you find this place?

Oh, I was reading the obituaries, and I
found out that Dr. Melvoy died in here.

He died in here?

Yeah, they didn't find his
body for about a week.

It brought the price down.

Where did he die?

Uh, judging from the death stain,
probably exactly where you're sitting.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

I love this place.

It is awesome.

It's right down the street from
the dog-grooming van where I get

my hair cut, and I don't need
Wi-Fi because my neighbors have

sex all the time and I can see them.

It's getting a little redundant, though.

Unless they introduce a toy or a
third person, I'll probably have

to steal someone's cable.

So, Ruxin, I heard through the
message board that one of

your quarterbacks might soon
be on the trading block.

I got an embarrassment of
riches... RGIII and Stafford...

but my defenses are looking
weaker than a drunk, single girl

in her 30s at her little
sister's wedding.

I want one of those quarterbacks.

PETE: Oh, shit, Lane's here.

If he comes over, he's just going
to latch on to me the entire night.

He is an intolerable douchebag.

Yeah, how did he latch on to you?

I'm at this party with a friend
of mine, Lane walks up to

us, starts just dropping douche
bombs all over the place, like,

"Did you know that surf music
is the American flamenco?"

Ugh.

It's horrible, and my friend's
like, "Hey, let me buy"

"you guys some drinks," all happy.

He bolts and ditches me with Lane.

Ah, you got friend-offed.

Exactly, a friend-off's like a handoff.

You got to put that foot down,
you got to make that turn and

cut, and you got to go for
daylight before you get covered

in a sweaty pile of undesirable dude.

Oh, come on, don't even.

Pete.

Huh... Lane.

I thought it was you.

Unbelievable... come here.

Unbelievable.

I have been trying to
get in touch with you.

I've called you and e-mailed you.

You probably thought I was
still in South America.

I was hoping so.

When I say "merengue," what are the first
three words that come into your head?

Must leave now?

I understand why you'd say
that; conditions are grim.

There were days when I couldn't even
find clean water for my neti pot.

Wow.

Yeah, it was better than Haiti, though.

I went down to Haiti after the
earthquake to deejay for the villagers.

I mean, gratis, no charge.

Hey, where is everybody?

Andre, oh, my God, it is
so amazing to see you.

Really? All right.

Come here, I haven't seen you in forever.

What's going on?

I want to introduce you to Lane.

Lane, this is Andre.

Hey, all right.

Andre, we were just talking
about deejaying in Haiti.

Oh, my God, I so want to do that.

I feel like that's the best way to
give back to everyone down there.

This is gonna be a great night.

I'm gonna go to the restroom
real quick and I'll be right

back, and you guys chill out.

Okay.

Wow, so you... How do you
get into that DJ scene?

'Cause that's something that I
have been dying to do, but I

feel like a lot of it is politics.

So what's your DJ name?

Little Miss Spin.

Haven't men taken enough from women
already without taking "miss"?

Oh, n-no, no, no, no, it's, it's ironic.

How so?

I, I don't, I don't know.

Always know how you're being ironic.

That's a good rule.

Text that to myself.

Look at this.

All right.

Hmm.

Listening with Compassion.

Hey, dead guy, where are
you hiding your weed?

(knocking)

Come in.

Oh, I'm sorry, I was, uh,
looking for Dr. Melvoy.

He's no longer here.

I'm here now.

Oh, he didn't tell me
anything about that.

He probably told you, I'm
dealing with a lot of

abandonment issues.

And how does that make you feel?

I've tried some different
diets, and, um... Didn't work.

No.

Here's a course of action
I'd like to propose.

For every pound that you lose,
I will have sexual intercourse

with you one time.

Really?

Mm-hmm, and I'll throw in a
freebie right now just to let

you know what you're going to get.

I can't quit, I can't quit.

Let me tell you what you're going to do.

Every time you feel like taking
drugs or taking a drink, you're

going to bring it here and
we're going to share it.

Slowly I'll take more and more,
tapering you off until finally.

I'm doing all your drugs
and alcohol for you.

Now, don't be stingy with that weed.

Yeah, come to Papa.

Oh, this is some good shit.

I hate school.

I get bullied every day.

I wish I didn't have to go.

You're going to go to school,
but this is what you're going to

do: you're going to bring
this gun with you.

Check it out.

(gun clicks)

Chamber's empty, but
they don't know that.

What you do is, you put it
in your waistband like this.

When they come at you, just lift
your T-shirt... not too high,

though, or else they're going to
see those bitch tits of yours.

You hear me?

Where'd you go the other night?

Sorry, I didn't mean to ditch
you, but I just could not bear

to be around Lane any longer.

I had to do it.

You must have wanted to gnaw
your arm off to get away from

that guy.

No, he, like, left a couple
seconds after you disappeared.

What do you mean?

He didn't talk your ear off
about how rockabilly is the

klezmer music of the red states?

No, he just kind of took
off right after you.

Ah, he usually gloms on to any
conversation he can get his

mitts on.

No, no glomming.

Oh, shit, I fumbled the friend-off.

What's a friend-off?

I'm stuck with him now.

Hey, Taco.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, no, no,
no, no, no, absolutely not.

We're brothers... it's weird
if I don't sit on your lap.

Get yourself a chair.

Hey, Taco, how's the therapy practice?

It is going awesome.

Helping people with their stupid
brain problems is super easy.

I'm impressed.

Why are you guys impressed with him?

I went to med school.

I'm a doctor.

He didn't even finish high school.

Well, that's precisely
why we're impressed.

He's over-performing.

He's like the fat kid in Rudy.

Mm-mm. Turns out he wasn't just
a fat kid; he was a hobbit.

That's why he was so good at football.

You don't even know what you're doing.

Mmm. It makes you anxious
when things don't fit in your

neat little boxes, doesn't it, Andre?

Stop.

Let's explore that.

No, we're not exploring anything.

Are you smoking weed out of that pipe?

No. I'm smoking weed out
of the bong I built inside

of the pipe.

That's right: I turned this into
a marijuana-smoking device.

That's the kind of mind
you're dealing with here.

All right, I figured it out.

Anchor baby.

What?

I need to convince Sofia to
have another child with me.

'Cause then she's pregnant for a
year, she's out of commission.

Then she's feeling maternal and
unattractive for another year...

out of commission.

If she looks at the cost-benefit
analysis of leaving me, it's too

risky of a move.

That is a beautiful plan
you have worked out.

Yeah, I think if I put
another baby in her, it'll

really crush her spirit... kind
of like Kevin did to Jenny.

I did not crush Jenny's spirit.

Kevin, you are a soul-crushing ninja.

I mean, you've convinced all of
us to hang out with you, and

we're not even the depository
for your rancid seed.

Okay.

Well, most of us.

You two are clearly in love.

Let's talk about this.

Ruxin, let's talk trade.

I don't have a lot of time.

I'm putting baby Christopher to sleep.

Where do you put Chalupa
Batman to bed, in the pantry or

the freezer section?

You know, it's not funny.

Listen, you have RGIII, and I could
really use a great quarterback.

I'm not even thinking
about football right now.

I want to ask Sofia about the
anchor baby, but I really only

get one shot 'cause if she
says no, I'm totally screwed.

So I feel like I'm constantly, you
know, beating around the shaved bush.

(Ruxin continues indistinctly)

Okay, Ruxin, focus here.

Here's my offer.

The San Francisco 49ers defense.

That is a top-tier, ♪1

starting defense.

I'm willing to part with it for RGIII.

What?

Okay, all right, fine.

I'll give you the San Francisco
defense and... No, no, no.

That's not how this is going to go down.

...Giants offense.

That's big, Ruxin.

That's not bad.

Yeah, I could do that deal.

Really? Great, okay.

Do not trade RGIII.

This is the kind of thing
where everybody wins.

So, just go to the computer and
type it up, send it over to me

and I'll approve it, and you
should have our players by the

weekend.

You know what, I don't think I
can do the deal anymore, buddy.

What? You don't want to do the trade?
We just had...

Yes, I am. I am stone-cold!

Yeah, no deal. Sorry, dude.

Sucks to be you. Peace.

Are you kidding me, Ruxin?

Hello? What happened?

How are my sweet boys doing?

(Kevin groans)

You okay?

Yeah.

Is his onesie on backwards?

I don't know, I don't
know if it's on backwards.

He's gonna piss through
it in an hour anyway.

(quietly): Okay.

Christopher, can you say "RGIII"?

It's like Terrific Lady Day again.

Yeah. No better way to spend a
Sunday than just looking at flowers.

Look at this.

This is so amazing!

Oh, my God, it's so vibrant!

I could stare at this all day.

Yeah, and I could stand next
to you while you do it.

Some guys get squeamish about
flower shopping with another

dude, but don't worry, I'm
confidently heterosexual.

I got all the gay stuff out of my
system during my Semester at Sea.

Great. Thank you, Lane.

Tiger orchid!

Yeah, I-I'll be right there.

(mouthing)

Hey, babe, I'm gonna look
at the other orchids.

Okay.

What are you doing here?

I'm trying to ditch Lane and bore
him, but the guy's un-boreable.

Well, I'm on a Terrific
Lady nightmare with Sofia.

I envy those day-laborers over there.

Yeah, they have to huff
pesticides and shovel manure

all day, but at least on Sunday
they get to watch football.

What do we do?

I don't know, man.

I can't shake him.

I can't shake Sofia, either.

Unless... you thinking what I'm thinking?

Double friend-off.

Double friend-off?

Watch.

Look... it's a double pick play.

Here's me.

Ten yards out. There's Lane.

Cut right, buttonhook back.

You. I want you to go in motion
at the blue flowers, okay?

Now, Sofia's gonna be on you.

Serious pressure.

All you got to do, zigzag, cut right,
gonna shake and bake, do your thing.

Cut off Sofia.

There we are. Got it?

All right, we only get one shot at this.

BOTH: Break!

Hey.

Whoa!

Come see me.

Baby. Let's go this way.

Hey, honey.

Whoa, whoa.

Do you see these lovely
whites right here?

No, come this way.

You're gonna love these.

See, these over here, I find these
to be incredibly intelligent.

I'm just having such a great
day with you here. Oh!

Pete.

Ruxin?

What's up, man?

This is crazy.

What are you guys doing here?

We're flower shopping.

Oh. Oh, Sofia, have you
met my friend Lane?

Lane, this is my wife Sofia.

She loves orchids.

Enchanté.

Well, that's crazy because
Lane has a very adventurous

color palette.

I experience color very
vividly, like a deaf person.

Wow, that's amazing.

Rodney thought these were chrysanthemums.

Yeah. And begonias are
the same as edelweiss.

(laughing)

Wow, um, maybe you can help
me pick out some orchids?

Are you looking for something
more brash or apologetic?

I don't know. I don't know.

Maybe a little bit of both?

Okay. Shops are my specialty.

Yeah?

I've been called the "girl
talk" of the floral world.

I like that.

(whispering): Excuse me.

Sorry.

Hey, guys, can we watch?

Watching football, yeah?

Yeah.

I've actually encountered some
of these orchids in the wild.

I spent some time on the Amazon River.

Wow.

Some of the natives down
there have never even seen

turntables, so I took out my
ones and twos, and I performed

for them.

Wow! Oh, my God, I can't wait
to tell Rodney that story.

Where'd he go?

What are you even doing with that guy?

I mean, you're like an orchid,
and he's like a... a little

Jewish weed.

I can say that because I'm Jewish.

I attend Episcopalian services, but ironically...
He's going, he's going in!

He's going in!

(engine starts)

What's going on?

(laughs): We're going to work.

All-time greatest friend-off!

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

So I'm in Chalupa Batman's crib
because the root of all my

problems stem from my childhood?

No. There's only one chair in
here... and I wanted to see

if the crib could withstand
the weight of an adult male.

Looks like I got a new bed
in a couple of years.

You know, I get no respect, Taco.

You get more respect than I do.

I'm a real doctor.

You've been doing this for how long?

One week, part-time.

I'm surprised that by now you
haven't accepted the friend-off.

All those guys downstairs have
attempted it multiple times.

Really?

I mean, they... they just
kind of like tolerate me.

The monitor's on upstairs.

So, what, I'm just like the
hot girl's fat friend?

Well, they compare it more
to living with herpes.

Hence the nickname, "Flare."

No, no, that's a good thing.

Remember, like... like, I got
flair, like that cool pen.

Why would he think that?

That pen is lame.

I need to get respect for myself.

I mean, no one likes me.

No... one likes you.

Yes, that's true.

Well, what am I going to do?

I'm in a terrible place emotionally.

Should we not be listening to this?

Yeah, let's turn this off.

Wait, that was rhetorical.

It's manifesting itself all over.

I have pubic alopecia.

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

So, you're completely bald down there?

Not completely.

More like Matt Lauer like a year ago.

Kind of like Gene Shalit's face.

You know, just clumps.

Oh, my God.

He looks like a stray pubic dog.

I'm going to stop you right there.

It is not uncommon in my therapy
sessions for me to zone out, so

I'm going to do that right now,
but feel free to keep talking,

even if I start snoring.

(clears throat)

I've also been experiencing
masturbation impotence.

And I'm back.

Oh, my God!

He's rubbing out blanks.

You mean, after six rounds, the
cobra's no longer shooting venom?

No, I don't even get to the first round.

I don't even make it into the ring.

It's like his dick knows that
the hand belongs to Andre, and

can't get hard for him.

Just get this odd, chubby mass.

A wet spaghetti noodle.

It looks like the Shmoo.

Just flopping around.

You know, and I tried really hard to,
like, make something happen, you know.

Uh-huh.

It did, but what came out was
clear, and it tasted like vinegar.

I have a sample if you
want to look at it.

Interesting.

Hello, message board.

Stop, this is the great thing
that we can never ever mention.

Oh, God, it's an unmentionable.

To not talk about this
is going to be so hard.

Oh, no, it's not. (Laughs)

No, see, you can't do that.

I mean, this is just going
to open up the floodgates.

No, no floodgates are being opened.

It works so many ways.

It's a river of puns.

It's unending.

You can't bring it up.

Yes, he can't bring it up.

Ruxin, you have to stop.

You want to tell a bird not to fly?

Unmentionable.

I'm with Kevin on this.

Fine.

Hey, what's going on?

Okay, come here.

Andre and Taco on the
baby monitor upstairs.

Unbelievable... No, see, we should
just shut this right off because, you

know, it's fake doctor/patient
confidentiality, and... shut it off.

Jenny, what are you talking about?

They don't know that we can
hear what they're saying.

This is incredible.

I know, that's why we should
shut it off because they don't

know that we can hear them.

Oh, exactly.

They don't know we're listening,
just like, perhaps, I didn't

know someone else was listening when I
was discussing trading RGIII with Ruxin.

He didn't have to trade him to me.

Are you kidding me?

I refuse to be a pawn in your
psychosexual chess match.

Wait a minute, you don't
even need quarterbacks.

He sat on your bench.

I'm playing you next week, and
our records were so close.

I just needed you to lose a few.

Oh, this is low.

I'm sorry.

Guys, your marriage is working
worse than Andre's dick.

Ruxin.

Andre has masturbation impotence.

Unmentionable.

Unmentionable!

Are you serious?

Yes, but listen, we're not
talking about it, we're not

discussing it, just like we're not
discussing what just happened here.

Bye.

Wow.

Andre's not doing well.

In all my week as an unlicensed,
illegally practicing therapist,

I have never seen someone so depressed.

Is there anything we can do?

Yes, actually.

Yes, there is.

I'd like to thank you all for
coming to therapy today.

Before we get started, I
would like to discuss the

uncomfortable matter of my fee.

I think we're all very comfortable
that there will be no fee, yeah.

Oh, Andre.

Thanks for joining us.

Hello, "friends."

Now, Andre, would you like
to go around the room and

express your emotions
in the form of a hug?

No, I'm not gonna hug them.

I'm angry at them.

Well, then, give them angry hugs.

All right.

I love you, but I'm angry at you.

No, all of us?

I love you, but I'm mad at you.

Oh, you're sweating on me.

All right, two out of four... that's good.

Yeah, we get the idea.

Doesn't it feel good?

Kind of did.

For our first exercise, I'm going
to pull out Andre's inner voice.

A sock puppet?

Yes, you're going to take
this pin, and you're going to

pinpoint where everyone
in this room hurt you.

(imitates French accent):

Hello, everyone.

What voice is this?

That's my inner voice.

It's a Frenchman.

You guys all know my favorite
place in the world is France.

Have you been?

No.

Andre, we don't need to hear the
backstory of your sock puppet; just go.

Okay, fine.

Pete, you really... Andre,
your lips are moving.

Look, I've never done
ventriloquism before.

All right, if you'd give me a
marionette, I would have no

problem doing it, okay?

Andre, we went to your Level
2 marionette workshop.

It stunk.

Want me not to do a voice?

Yeah, just do your own voice.

Okay, I'm going to show you
where you all hurt me.

Jenny, you hurt me here.

In your butt?

Not my butt.

There's no... the puppet doesn't
have a butt; it's his back.

You stabbed me in the back.

Well, get used to that because she stabs
everyone in the back at some point.

No, it was a valid trade!

If I did that to you, you...
Guys, guys, guys, please!

Your loveless marriage
is not the issue today.

Let's please try to focus on a
problem that we can actually solve.

Yes, thank you.

This next exercise is
an honesty exercise.

Now, Andre, please put on the
pride helmet, and now everyone's

going to get a shot at hitting
you with the truth hammer.

Yes.

Oh, I'm going first.

(French accent): You cannot!

You cannot.

No, no, no, no, no.

(normal voice): Okay, look, I
don't need a hammer or a helmet

or this sock puppet to
tell you guys how I feel.

I know you think that I'm, like,
this hard guy, but I'm actually

really soft, and lately, things
have been rubbing me the wrong way.

And it's really frustrating when I
can't come to you... Oh, my God.

...to express myself, okay?

This is great.

This is why therapy is beneficial.

Andre's in a stiff situation, you guys.

That's not what I heard.

Ruxin, don't.

No, this is good.

Don't hold back.

Well, if we were holding back,
Andre would yank it out.

Look, I just want to be able to unload.

Yes, Andre, unload.

Release... release everything.

You can't, 'cause you're
rubbing out blanks.

What are you... what...
You're cupping mud.

You have masturbation impotence.

That's good.

This is good.

Now we're communicating.

This is great.

Who the hell are you people?

What are you doing here?

Oh, we were just making fun of Andre's
masturbation impotence.

My father's only been dead for two weeks,
and already there are squatters here?

Taco, you said you rented this place.

I believe the words I
used were "moved in."

Oh, God. I'm calling the police.

What? No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hello? There is a group of perverts
here,

and they broke into my
dead father's apartment.

Okay, okay. We need to get out of here.
I'll bill you guys later.

We got to go! We got to get out of here!

Move, move, move, move, move!

- Come on, get out of here.
- Shit!

- I'm feeling a little bit better.
- We've got a breakthrough.

A breakthrough!