The League (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 5 - Judge MacArthur - full transcript

What is a group penguins called?

A) Mungel.

B) Creche.

Final answer... Oh... creche!

Oh, yeah!

CoCo Beware!

CoCo Beware!

On the border of which two
countries does Mount Everest lie?

A) India and China?

Trivia time.

B) Tibet and Nepal.



Whoa.

Bam!

Killing it!

Oh, yeah, mother-fah...!

It's not even fun playing this... I
just dominate you guys so severely.

No.

What is the largest "dessert"

in the world?

This thing's broken.

Banana split's not even there.

You think you're smarter than us?

Oh, my God, I destroyed
all of you guys on the SAT's.

The SAT's are culturally biased.

That's why I got high and rode
a snowmobile through a mall



instead of taking them.

Guys, I was in school longest, I'm the
smartest... that's the way it works.

Andre, I have a fake notary degree
from a Venezuelan vocational school.

Trust me, it doesn't make you a genius.

By the way, I'm not sure that
banana split's the biggest

dessert... I was just guessing.

Hey!

Hey, I have an
announcement to make.

After some careful consideration, I've
decided to run for public office.

Really?

If you're gonna be working at
the DMV, I need a license.

No, I, uh, I've decided
to run for judge.

You're gonna be a judge?

Is there any chance that
you're just doing this because

you're not commissioner anymore?

No, I'm meeting with the
judging committee tomorrow, so

we'll see how that goes.

Listen, Kevin, you know I love you...
We all do.

Mm.

I'm not sure I see this.

Judges are supposed to be impartial.

All you do is freak out.

I do not freak out.

Look at your face.

How can you have a judge face?

You freak.

I have a judge face.

You want to see what it looks like?

Love to.

Looks like you're trying to pass one of
these wasabi peas through your urethra.

Mmm... What are you doing?

I'm being wise.

Let me give you a tip.

"Mmm" is the least wise
sound you can make.

You'd be a terrible judge.

Judges are bald and distinguished.

Andre could be a judge,
if he were distinguished.

Hey, I'm not bald.

What's that, now?

Guys, I'm not bald.

Look, I have, like, very, you know,
thin, like, like, clear hair.

Okay, so these are basically
like those clear friends you

played with growing up.

Or like that clear girlfriend
you had at camp who let you

finger her in the water ski shack.

Guys, I have hair.

I'm gonna need a ruling on this one.

Judge Kevin, here's your first case.

Bald! And may God have
mercy on your scalp.

No, that looks like
your vinegar strokes.

Mmm... Mr. McArthur, I don't
know whether or not you're prepared

for the rigors of judgeship.

Most lawyers cut their teeth being
commissioner before serving as a judge.

Well, then, you know, you're
talking to the right guy.

I've been a commissioner
for the past eight years.

Oh.

Yeah, I've been dealing with
parties who would do anything to

stab the other person in the back...
manipulation, collusion... Antitrust.

Yes, nobody trusts anybody.

Yeah.

I don't trust him, he doesn't
trust him, nobody trusts my

wife, and when it comes down to it, I
just want to have fun and I want to win.

I like your passion.

Thank you.

This league that I'm in... Mm.

...Is competitive... What's the name?

Yeah, it's got a name.

What is it?

It is the League of Extraordinary
Business... Gentlemen.

So, you think
it went well today.

No, no, I know it went well today.

Really?

Well, Ellie, this is
a lovely tea party.

Thank you so much for inviting me.

And I hope you have
non-gluten options here?

And in the middle of the
meeting, I realized there's

really nothing that a judge does
that a fantasy commissioner doesn't.

Except for sentencing people to prison.

God, I wish when I was
commissioner I could've put some

of these frittatas in prison.

Wait, let me get this straight... you
want to be a judge just to get back at

people?

No, it's about justice, Andre.

Justice for all of those who
have stood in my way for years.

That's vengeance.

Yeah.

Oh.

What a nice little hat.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

I'm putting a hat on your
head so your head doesn't get

cold, 'cause you don't have any hair.

I do... I do have hair.

I have hair.

Actually, no, you don't.

This is hair.

You don't have hair, you have skin.

No, I have, um... like, a clear hair.

There's no such thing as clear hair.

Okay, you know what, there's no
such thing as a backyard tea party.

I mean, I don't even
know what the theme is.

Are we in an American girl place, or are
we supposed to be in Colonial London?

And this pink tea, what is that?

It's pretend!

Like your hair.

Okay, you know what?

I think my time at this
tea party is done.

I have some places to be, so
I will see you all... later.

You are really good with kids, Andre.

Thank you.

Aw, you're the first person
to ever be sad Andre's left.

Things went very, very well
with Judge Hobart... so much so,

that he invited me to some educational
charity function next week.

The whole judging committee's
gonna be there, so I bought a

table and I wanted to invite
all of you to come... under one

condition: you cannot
embarrass me at all.

Well, what if I get a fear boner?

I also have been known to light my crotch
on fire when I'm in banquet halls.

Oh, very funny.

See, all those things happened
to someone you know as Kevin,

but they did not happen to...

...Judge McArthur.

So which one traded away
his son's naming rights?

That would be Kevin.

Okay, and which one of you
Yobogoya'd on the side of the

road in front of Ellie's teacher?

That was an emergency, but
it would also be Kevin.

Yeah, you probably don't want to do
that face at the charity dinner.

Unless judges are supposed to look
like they're shitting out a yam.

Gentlemen! I know there's been
a lot of talk lately about

who is the smartest
person in the league.

I thought we decided it was me.

Well, I have decided to settle
this issue once and for

all, and there's only one way to do it.

Oh. IQ test.

Nope.

Uh, removing our brains
and studying them.

Good idea, but no.

We are going to take the
Wonderlic, the very intelligence

test that all the NFL players take.

I ordered it from the company.

I have not looked at it yet.

50 questions in ten minutes.

Highest score wins. Who's in?

I'll do it. Yeah, I'll do it.

Yeah? Come on, it'll be fun.

I don't need to take a test to
prove that I'm smarter than

you... I already did that years ago.

I think your wiener over there is shrinking
at the thought that one of us might

beat you in this thing.

My wiener is currently filling
with blood because of

the confidence that I feel that
I am so much more intelligent

than you... I like to call
it an intell-erection.

Sounds great. Prove it.

All right, I need all phones
inside the basket, please.

Pass them down.

Test is being handed to you facedown.

Do not look at the test
until the timer starts.

That means no peeking.

It was crooked.

All right, we got ten minutes
to complete the test.

The timer starts now.

Okay.

I'm gonna go smoke a bowl.

I'll be right back.

Holy shit, is this for real?

These seem hard, but they're... not.

There's a lot of math.

How can an electronics store have
an 182 customers in one day?

I don't understand why you need
to know fractions for the NFL.

To the Wonderlic.

You guys ever been Wonderlic'd?

Susanna's giving away entirely
too much of her tips.

Kevin, you're still on Susanna?

Yeah.

Can I have another pencil?

The Wilson family has
an eating disorder.

Joan's coat cost... Just shut up.
Just shut up.

Who wants some shots?

All right.

"Begin on the next page."

One down.

Good job, Taco.

Well... Ruxin ate one of my answers.

All right, time's up.

Hand 'em over. All done.

Hand 'em over.

Thank you very much.

Kevin, please.

Hold on.

Thank you very much.

I just have to do the one problem!

Yup, we're all set.

Let me... Oh, come on!

All right, guys.

Congratulations. You just
completed the Wonderlic.

Oh, God.

Read 'em and weep, gentlemen.

As you can see, somebody
named Pete... Oh.

...Is the smartest.

I don't know who that is.

We have Andre in second, Ruxin
came in third, and then we have

the McAsterisks brothers tied for last.

Yeah. Brother.

Oh, can you...?

Don't touch me.

Yeah.

Not surprised I came in
third, 'cause I was totally

goofing around the whole time.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Goofing around.

Let's take a look at that test here.

Yeah, you really didn't care at
all about this one, did you?

Just a little bit of
tinkering on the Wonderlic?

Are you kidding me?

These tests don't prove anything.

Standardized tests are bullshit,
and this one... Yeah.

...particularly is biased.

Oh, biased, what, against lawyers?

Well, it may be so, because
Kevin tied with Taco.

Mm. In his defense, I am pretty wasted.

You know what?

You can't just come into a bar
and spring a test on someone.

I wasn't prepared.

I sentence you to stupidity.

For life.

Now that's a judge face.

I got to get out of
here, guys, all right?

Oh, poor Kev.

Good luck finding your way home, Kev.

Guys, I want to do something
special for Kevin at this

fund-raiser. You have any ideas?

Yeah, what if we...?

Aah. Pete, you're a
really smart person.

Do you have any ideas?

Well, maybe we could donate
an ice sculpture in his name.

That would be nice.

Yeah.

Oh, I like that.

Let's do that, yeah.

Wow. That's the best idea ever.

That was literally my idea.

I was about to say that.

Yeah, sure you were, dumb-dumb.

I was. In fact, I know a guy
who makes ice sculptures.

I can get this done.

Okay, you can help.

Got to throw him a bone
every once in a while.

That's nice of you.

Nice.

Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot.
I'm out of here.

Car's in the back, Ruxin.

Oh, shit on a bum!

Just kidding.

It's in the front.

Oh! Bum shit's on me!

And the thing with this
Wonderlic test was not that the

questions were so hard, but
they were terribly-worded.

One of them was, like, "Randolph
Scott, eight pairs of pants",

four shirts and six ties... how
many days can he wear an outfit

"without repeating the same one?"

192 days.

Eight times six times four.

Maybe, but you know, probably not.

There were harder ones than that.

I mean, they even went as
far as to make up words.

How many pints in a peck?

That's not even real.

What's a peck?

A peck is two gallons.

No, it's not, sweetheart.

You're wrong.

Mm, she's right.

No, she's not. She's wrong,
and it's okay to be wrong.

I mean, look.

She's scratching her head.

She's confused.

Actually, it itches.

Let me look.

Oh, my... Oh!

What?

Oh, she has lice.

Oh, my God!

Ugh! I'm gonna take
her to Dr. Levinson.

What is he gonna do...
shave off half her head?

You got to get her out!

You're gonna kick her out?

We have other kids to look after...
and food.

Look, I need your help with something.

Workman's comp?

No, this is a
commissioner-related issue.

Oh! Came to the commissioner.

Well, then, you came
to the right place.

Look, I made a mistake.

Picked up the Philly D., planned on
dropping Detroit running back Kevin Smith.

Uh-huh.

Accidentally dropped Carolina
superstar Steve Smith.

Mm-hmm.

Obviously, this was a mistake, so as the
commissioner, I could use your help

overturning this, because
whoever has first priority on

the waiver tomorrow is
gonna scoop him up.

Look, we all make mistakes.

Like, me... I made a boneheaded
mistake on that test, so if I

took that Wonderlic test right
now, I think I'd ace it.

You realize what's happening here.

Your identity is so tied up with
being the smartest person in the

group that you are turning
yourself into a dumb-dumb.

I am not a dumb-dumb, Pete.

I'm highly intelligent.

I wear glasses.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

So you're just as sharp
and quick as ever?

Yeah.

Well, if that's the case,
then, I think I'm just gonna

head on over to Kevin's, and, uh, we're
gonna munch down on some sausages.

Time's up! You see?

Ah.

- You should have been on that like Pete's...
- ...on Kevin! Yes!

Both of those homophobic quips
were on the tip of my tongue.

You're a super, well-intentioned
dummy like Fredo.

I'm not Fredo, okay?

I've seen Scarface before.

I know how that movie ends.

You mean Scarfather?

Scarfather. Exactly.

Except it's Godfather.

Godfather!

You're in real trouble here.

My brain just feels like one
of those Gymborees filled with

fun balls, and there's kids pissing
all over the place right now.

Maybe you should talk to
somebody with experience, like,

call Taco.

Oh, shit!

Taco, the ice sculpture.

I got to go here.

Ow! Aah!

Okay.

Caught a nard.

Garage is not that way.

I know where the garage is, Pete.

I was just kidding.

I needed something from the
kitchen before I left.

What the hell is this?

This is an ice sculpture of Kevin.

No. This is half of an ice sculpture.

Oh, I told them, I wanted
Kevin, but half the size, and I

guess they confused that and
just gave me half of Kevin.

Don't blame other people.

I put you in charge of this.

You even got the bottom half wrong.

I told you the cock bulge
should be left-leaning.

I thought I wrote that down.

Geez, you're a stupid, stupid man!

It's just, I think I got a lot
on my plate with work and

family, and Pete wants me to
do this Steve Smith thing.

And on top of it, you
got the day wrong.

I told you, tomorrow, not today!

Where am I supposed to store an
ice sculpture overnight downtown?

What if you... Eh!

No, but if... Eh!

Look, I... I'll deal
with this on my own.

Taco, I could just...
Just get out of the way!

I can figure this out.

I can help, but... You
know how you can help?

By shutting your mouth and
breathing through your nose once

in a while.

I'm not a mouth-breather.

I'm not like Eli.

Shut up, you idiot!

I'm not dumb!

I'm a smart person!

What?

It's from The Scarfather.

The Godfather! Aah!

I just don't think this is a good idea.

Oh, I just need you to keep
it here for one night.

My birdbrain lawyer
messed up the dates.

Just so weird.

All right, let me ask you this.

How do you feel about
unconventional pornography?

I work in a morgue.

Well, I've got a homemade porno here only
seen by a handful of people about the

adventures of Dr. Andre No-Dick.

You mean this doctor really has...
no dick?

If he does, I haven't found it.

Oh, let me see.

Do we have a deal?

Deal.

All right!

Feel free to upload
that wherever you want.

Okay.

Who's in here?

That was that motorcycle accident.

Awesome!

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I'm gonna need a few more of these.

Oh, I can't believe
we're Eskimo brothers.

Movie night.

Good impressions.

Good impressions.

Positive energy, good impressions.

Yup. We are not gonna talk about
our lice-infested daughter.

Okay. Ah, Judge Hobart.

Hey, McArthur.

This is my wife, Jenny.

Ah. I am so excited about Ryan
Fitzpatrick speaking tonight.

Oh, me, too.

Oh, I'm sorry. Ryan Fitzpatrick... he's
the, uh, quarterback for the Buffalo.

Bills?

Two TDs and 240 yards last week?

I can't wait to meet him.

But... what is important is that he cares
about a cause as vital as education.

Well, I wish he cared as much
about throwing to Stevie

Johnson, 'cause that
dude is killing me.

Thank you... Thank you.

I was speaking frankly.

Too frank.

Kevin! Ta-da!

What is this?

It's you.

This is not me.

No, I know the crotch is all
wrong... it's way too centered.

It should be... right over here.

No, no. It's missing... the top.

That's not my fault, okay?

Ruxin was in charge of this.

That guy's such an idiot.

Do you guys smell something weird?

Oh. Ruxin had it delivered
yesterday, so I had to leave it

at the morgue overnight.

Th-The morgue?

Yeah.

So this smell is in fact death?

Not the moment of death... that
doesn't smell like anything.

It's the bodies decomposing
as a result of death.

Taco, what the hell is that?

That's a toe tag.

So that they can identify it as mine.

Okay. Thank you.

What... W... No, no,
please stop talking.

Oh, man.

There's dumb and then
there's just plain stupid.

But, look, Andre's really hitting it
off with Hobart, so that's great.

My God, I never thought I'd say
this, but thank God for Andre.

Why is he itching like a maniac?

God... he has lice.

No!

Ellie gave him lice.

No!

We have to say something.

Well, we can't tell him tonight.

He's gonna give lice to everybody.

We have to tell him.

You are going to keep
your judge face on.

Judge face.

Oh, hey! Look at this.

Oh, God, they're coming over.

Hey, hey! What's going on?

Yeah.

Judge Hobart is the man.

No, this guy is a hoot.

'Course he is.

Yes, he is.

Did you know Hobart
plays a little squash?

I'm gonna tear this guy up.

Well, I'm gonna judge you on the court.

Come on, come on, grr!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, man.

Hey, Judge Hobart.

I-I just... I have to tell you, you...
at this point, probably... Excuse us.

Excuse us, please.

Sure.

They don't get out
much... they have kids.

Judge face... Hey, hey,
hey, where is Ruxin?

He has not given me Steve Smith.

It was an accidental drop.

A drop is a drop, Steve Smith is mine.

Oh, God, why did I teach you
how to use the waiver wire?

Sorry I'm late, I was distracted.

Ruxin, you didn't undo the drop.

I couldn't figure out
how to make it work.

I'm new at commissioner.

You can't undo a drop, Pete.

Will you just live with it?

It was a mistake, Jenny.

Yeah, you're too smart
to make a mistake.

You're not an idiot like Ruxin.

Ruxin, an impartial judgment, please.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is this about the... What?

Is this about the add/drop thing?

'Cause I'm playing Pete this
week, and, uh, I kind of want it

to stand, so... Kevin, a
little judgment, please?

No. I am not a commissioner.

I am going to be a judge, and if
you're not very nice to me, I'm

gonna send you all
away to jail for life.

Ruxin, just make a decision.

Really? We're gonna let
this mouth-breather decide?

Uh... I know what I'm doing!

I just need five minutes to debilitate.

Deliberate?

Deliberate, that's
what I was gonna say.

Which way's the lobby?

To your left.

Okay.

Your other left.

Yes!

I'll be back... Embarrassing.

You know what, I better
head to the bathroom.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

This party is boring, and you
probably don't want to be here

anymore, so you should
just, you know, take off.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I get
what you're trying to do.

You don't want me to be around for the
resolution of this add/drop thing.

No, no, I'm not going anywhere, and I'm
gonna stick to you like white on rice.

All right, good to see you both.

Oh, my God.

He is covered.

He's sticking to us like white on lice.

Where is he?

Your commissioner has arrived.

Did you join a choir or something?

It's a judge's robe I found
in the other room so I could

look smart and imposing.

Very effective.

Except it's on backwards.

What? No, it's not.

I hate this.

I thought dumb people were
supposed to be happy.

It's complicated.

Ah. Eh, eh.

No.

Oh... Oh!

Lice.

Well, this ruling comes down from
the Office of the Commissioner.

Office? I thought you were
pretending to be in Sister Act.

There's some big words on...
No, I know all the words.

Holy shit. Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Sorry... I'm Pete.

I'm a huge fan.

Could I buy you a beer
and we could be friends?

I-I'm just gonna have a quick soda.

I've got to do a speech tonight.

Oh, I'll take a Dark and Stormy
and, uh, some kind of sandwich.

Actually, you know what,
Ryan, if you don't mind just

listening to this ruling, since
you're a professional football

player and I'm a
professional commissioner.

I think you'll enjoy this.

Uh, this is the ruling
of Ruxin, Pete v. Taco.

Now, while I wear these judge's
robes, I am actually for all

intensive purposes, the judge and jury.

Uh... I'm sorry to interrupt

you, but it's with "all
intents and purposes."

Isn't that what I said?

No, you said "intensive purposes."

I've heard both parties'

arguments, and, frankly,
I could care less.

It's "I couldn't care less."

You basically just said the
opposite of what you meant.

Oh, so, like, for example,
"Thanks for interjecting."

Okay.

Oh! Turkey. On rye.

Look, the question is in this
particular case whether Pete's

dropping of Steve Smith was
an accident or was a tactical

blunder.

I would argue that it's
really all one in the same.

Yeah, oh, what now, Ryan?

I think you mean "one and the same."

God, you're so smart, man.

You know, your robe's on backwards.

It's not on backwards, it just... It fits b...
I can... Oh, you look so stupid.

You know what?

If you're so smart, what'd you
get on the Wonderlic test?

Like, a 16?

48 out of 50.

How many days did that take you?

About nine minutes.

Ryan, it was under nine
minutes... don't be modest.

You set the record.

Oh, well, I guess I just didn't take that
many standardized tests when I was at

Northwestern, but... probably
at the community college you

crawled out of, it was
a different deal, huh?

I went to Harvard.

Huh! Harvard?!

I can't believe you didn't
know he went to Harvard.

I just forgot that he went to Harvard.

What an idiot.

I'm not an idiot!

I have a dearth of knowledge
about a lot of different things!

Okay, Whoopi Goldberg,
"dearth" means "lack of."

I'm about to give you
a dearth of teeth!

Dearth of teeth or lack of teeth?

Oh, you mother... Dearth Vader, no!

Overall, not that bad.

It was good.

Oh, hi, guys.

Lice to meet you. Yeah, I know.

Your terrible daughter gave me lice.

Okay, all right, calm down.

Let me ask you a question.

How did you two not get it?

Look at you, you're like an animal.

You're Teen Wolf over here.

Okay, just relax, Andre.

Guess what I'm gonna have to do now.

I'm gonna have to shave my head, and
people are gonna think that I'm bald now.

Now you could admit that you're bald.

Yes.

If I was bald, I couldn't have lice,
because lice are in my clear hair!

Can you stop yelling "lice"

and "hair," please?

Yeah, then you just
admit that I have hair.

Fine, you have beautiful,
luxurious, flowing clear hair.

No, I don't want to hear it from
you; I want to hear it from her!

Come on... Out! I want him out of here.

Out!

De-hand me! De-hand me!

I'm the smartest guy in the league.

J-Just want to take the
test one more time!

I took a prep course! I aced it!

I'm on Ritalin!

Hey. One of your asshole
League of Extraordinary.

Shitsippers just took a
swing at Ryan Fitzpatrick.

I had nothing to do with that.

I want you out of here. Gone.

God, why am I itching?

That would be the lice.