The League (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 11 - 12.12.12 - full transcript

ANDRE: Hey, it's your boy,
Andre, in a brand new place.

Check out my new digs.

That's right, dog, casa de Andre,
or as I like to call it, Cassandre.

What are we waiting down here for?

Let's go upstairs.

Now, this room has no name
and serves no purpose.

These brushes used to clean the
floor of a psychiatric hospital.

Now they're here on my table.

Awesome.

Welcome to my dining room,

where the plates are on the
wall, not on the table.



What?

I'm on the ceiling, but
I'm also on the floor.

Oh, looks like you caught me in my towel.

Oops. (Chuckles)

I'm just kidding.

I'm in my regular clothes.

Now it's time to check out
where the magic happens.

I call that the master bedroom.

This is my favorite room in the house, and I...
Whoa, Taco, what are you doing?

TACO: Oh, hey, Andre.

I love this place, man.

It's a great new mattress, too.

No, no, no, no, no, this is...
You have to go.

Oh, are you filming this?



Can you tell me how this looks?

No, no, no, no.

PETE: What's up, guys?

(groaning)

KEVIN: The worst.

For what?

Where were you?

I was out.

Yeah, out with Gina Gibiatti.

Maybe, so, what's the big deal?

You were supposed to assassinate her.
You were supposed to be Jean Reno in.

The Professional, and now
you're just like Gerard Butler

in a Katherine Heigl movie.

Please.

What's up, guys?

Oh, boy.

Best friend club.

Yeah, crotch beer, don't mind if I do.

Mmm.

What's going on, guys?

Getting drunk for end of days?

End of days?

Guys, 12-12-12 is this week.

So according to you, the world's
gonna end in like, a few days?

Yeah, I mean, there will
be a world afterwards.

Okay.

It will be a terrifying
post-apocalyptic horror-scape.

Wait, so we're all dead?

Oh, yeah, tall guy, dead.

What?

Ruxin, dead.

Taco, you're gonna be fine,
until you die, sacrificing

yourself so that bride-guy
here and I can live on.

Oh, I make it?

You and I, we absolutely make it.

We're best friends, right?

It's you, it's me, it's my sister-wife,
Sofia, and it's our baby, Baby Jeffrey.

What about me? Yeah.

Andre.

You live, sort of.

I will keep you as a pet so
that we can use your holes

for sexual pleasure and
as a sort of currency.

We will rent you out and all
of your orifices to marauders.

But I still get to hang
out with you guys?

Yeah, but as a kind of
piece of furniture.

That's kind of fun, though.

I'm in the house.

We're also gonna sell
your dick for gasoline.

Okay, you know what, I
actually should get going.

What?

Yeah, let's not waste all this
time now, let's savor it.

Guys, we're best friends.

Guys, whatever you do,
do not tell him I moved.

JENNY: Welcome to Jenny's
Shiva Bowl diary.

This is the final game
of the regular season.

The only thing standing between
me and the playoffs is Kevin's

shit pile of a team, which I plan on
taking and pushing so far down his throat

he chokes on it.

It's gonna come back up out
his nose, maybe go back into

his mouth, making him an
honest to God shit-sipper.

Don't get me wrong.

I love my husband, but I
intend to beat him lifeless.

I'm going to pin him down by
his throat and start punching

him in the head until he says,
"Sacko, give me the Sacko!"

Mommy?

Oh, my God, Ellie, hey, babe.

Why do you want to beat up Daddy?

I don't want to beat up Daddy.

Are you gonna get a divorce?

What? No, we're not gonna get a divorce.

We live in a great house.

I was making a silly video.

Can I see it?

No!

Aw.

Don't give me the stink eye.

Who taught you that face?

You did.

(growling)

Check it out, my new pad.

You know, I have decorators
I can connect you with.

I don't need one because
I already hired one.

Her dream for me is to create
the ultimate hangout space.

Taco, pop a squat.

Why is there garbage all over the place?

It's not garbage, it's
flotsam from the tsunami.

This washed up on the shores of Hawaii.

Gross.

The seller assured me,
no one died on this.

No, just swimming towards it.

See, it represents hope, and
that's what all good furniture

should do. Now guys... I'm sorry.

It's not a loveseat, Andre.

Hi.

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, just parked in the alley.

I wanted to try something out.

Okay, do we like this here?

Okay, all right.

Or do we like this here?

I like it up there.

No, you know what, I think
it's perfect just like it is.

Oh, well, it was worth a try.

Hi. Hi.

This is my decorator.

Designer.

Trixie Von Stein, hi.

Trixie Von Stein.

Her name was Patricia, but she
changed it and added "Von."

She gave herself a "Von."

Isn't that cool?

RUXIN: Wow, Trixie, one look
at you, and I can say that you

are the perfect person to
design Andre's apartment.

Thank you.

I have so many more ideas, you
know, for instance, over here

going off the owl idea, I want
to find a group of nests,

but I want to put them on something
delicate like, like glass cake stands.

Maybe over there, a bucket
of old children's shoes.

It's like your own
little Holocaust Museum.

Speaking of, I have these
swatches for you to look at.

Okay.

What do you think about one
of those for the ottoman?

I like this animal print one.

You know what, I'm just gonna pick it.

You trust me, don't you?

Of course I trust you.

You have amazing taste.

Thank you, Andre.

Thank you, all right.

Thank you.

All right.

Okay, I'm out. Bye.

Bye.

I'll see you later.

Whoo.

Um... what was that?

Who-who is that exactly?

Trixie. Isn't she great?

Were you guys just... Oh, uh, I don't
mean to brag, but we're... dating.

Oh, no.

You're dating your decorator?

Actually, we're exclusive.

Of course you're exclusive.

Yeah, that just means you're
not masturbating anymore.

I want you to be happy for me;
I found somebody who shares

all my same interests.

Okay, well, what do you
guys like to do together?

Normally we just hang out and
you know, check out some thrift

stores, talk about design.

And then what happens
if you buy something?

Then I pay her.

Andre, this is prostitution adjacent.

No, it's not adjacent to prostitution.

Really?

So how much does she charge you?

25%.

Does that include full-on penetration
or is that just hand and mouth stuff?

No, she's my girlfriend.

So you just pay for anal?

No, I don't pay for anything.

If you're into whores, I know
some that are way cheaper

and have much better taste in furniture.

Good morning, Christopher.

My little C.B.

is getting so big.

C.B.?

Chalupa Batman.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's a very unique name, babe.

You can't call him Chalupa Batman; he
is not a Tijuana street meat superhero.

(phone vibrates)

Oh, Matt Forte is injured again and
he will be replaced by Michael Bush.

Hmm, interesting.

Yep.

Michael Bush is a free agent right now.

Yes, he is.

Hmm.

No!

No, you will not.

(groans)

He's mine!

You don't even need him!

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

Mine, mine, whoa!

Whoa!

Oh, my God, babe, are you okay?

Oh, my head.

Yeah, it's really slippery over there.

You got to be careful.

Oh, my God, babe.

Oh, it hurts so bad.

Yeah, let me, um... I'm
gonna get you some ice.

No, no, I need to get up
and get Michael Bush.

He's not getable.

(whining): No... no...

See it's all black and blue and
it's tender over here... it

really hurts, my head's ringing.

You may be the first person in history
to get a fantasy football concussion.

Commissioner, we got to protect our
players from these concussions.

I don't really see any correlation between
an injury sustained during a fantasy

football match up and long-term problems.

Is this really how we're
gonna treat our players?

Tell me the story again.

You were both running for the computer.

You fell, she picked up the player...
I mean, this sounds a little...

I would say that there
has been foul play here.

Are you insinuating I put a
bounty on my own husband's head?

In the video post you said that
you wanted to take him out.

It was a joke.

You're on the message boards all
the time saying that you're

gonna put your D up Kevin's B.

Do you?

No, because he is Pete's property.

I think it's time to start throwing
around some suspensions willy-nilly.

With my concussion and my
headaches, I do still have to

set a lineup this week and I think
I might deserve some points.

No way... that is bullshit.

Hello.

Hey, what's going on?

Good to see you.

I have found the perfect occasional
chair for that corner over there.

Wait, I thought we already have an
occasional chair in that corner.

We do, but it's really too threatening.

I don't think it's too
threatening, I mean, maybe we

should just keep it, right?

Baby, I want this chair...
you're gonna love it.

It's gonna be perfect.

It's gonna make the room.

Yeah, I guess, yeah.

Yes? Yes?

Yes, all right, let's do it.

You're gonna love it,
you're gonna love it.

It's great.

It's $5,500.

Well, that's not that bad.

And don't forget the 25%

commission.

So, don't forget to add an extra $1,100?

$1,375.

Oh.

It's 25%.

All right, and that is for you.

Thank you.

All right, let's bring it up.

Want to see?

Who wants to sit in it first?

None of us.

I think it's obvious that
there is a big problem here.

Yeah, this guy is getting fleeced...
we got to do something about this.

Is there the slightest possibility
that she actually really likes him?

No, God, no.

No, impossible... nobody can
love Andre the way that we can

love Andre, and we cannot stand Andre.

All right, you ready to
do this shit with Andre?

Yeah, there's Pete.

Oh, hey, guys... come on over.

Ooh.

Are those the Gibiatti?

Look who it is... the Herdsman.

Guys, come on.

Oh, buttocks.

Herdsmen, yeah.

So, uh, we're hanging out
with the Gibiattis now.

Yeah, it's fun, huh?

Is that tie from the
Clay Aiken collection?

It's actually a Brooks Brothers tie.

I didn't know the Brooks Brothers
were having sex with each other.

Guys, isn't this great?

This is just like high school.

It's fun.

30 K.

30 K for what?

Gina has this fun game where she
just shouts out how much she

would charge for random
people to have sex with her.

That means she would charge you $30,000
to let your repugnant shmeckle in her

perfect vagina.

My sister's vagina belongs in the Louvre.

Why, because a bunch of
Frenchmen have been in it?

Yeah, and Belgians.

Yeah, everyone from Benelux,
man... she banged a dude from

Luxembourg... there's
like ten people there.

This is just so much fun... the
gang's all back together.

Really?

Really. (Grunts)

Ah, yeah, get in there, Gibiatti.

Really.

Gibiatti, last shot, take it.

No, Gibiatti, you do it.

Gibiatti, do it, do it Do it.

Do it, Gibiatti.

Eat me.

Eat me, you eat me.

Eat me!

Take it, take it, you slut.

Yeah!

Whoa.

Oh, get in there.

Look at me when she's kissing him.

Okay.

We got to go... our grandma
fractured her ankle chasing a

black paperboy away from our house.

All right. Ooh.

See, guys... I told you it's not that bad.

Are you joking me?

They are confirmed psychopaths.

How is what they did to you
different from what we do to Andre?

That's... That's coming
from a place of love.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's going on, guys?

What's going on?

I got some bad news.

What... wait, did you and Trixie break up?

No, that's going great, it's
just my house has been a little

cold, so I'm thinking of
having a housewarming party!

All right, come on, you guys in?

I am in because I love the
way your apartment looks.

You love it?

Yeah.

Well, I love your personal style.

Wait, what? No.

Yeah, we were talking about how we
don't even think you need a decorator.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we love what you
did, and not so much the Trixie stuff.

No, you guys hate my style.

No way, man.

No, we love it.

Then how come you guys never come with
me when I ask you to go shopping?

Well, we'd love to go.

We'd love to, yeah.

You guys would love to go?

We're gonna do it.

It's a shopping date.

No.

Yeah, you got to get in there.

Yeah, you look like a
gangster from Brussels.

Well, don't worry, you're next.

Come on, come on.

Your turn, your turn.

It's perfect.

Yeah, I don't think this is quite
the right style for me, Andre.

Come on, what do you mean?

You don't trust my taste?

No, I trust your... (laughing): Ooh!

It's great, right?

I love it.

Check out his belt buckle.

It's a belt buckle like a shiny
football because I love football.

I love it when a belt buckle
reflects what someone's hobbies are.

Wow, are you supposed to
see the individual grapes?

Because we can see the whole vine.

This is awesome.

Heh-heh, yeah, Dre Tones in the house.

Oh, my God, guys, this is so much fun.

Oh, my God!

What happened to you?

We went shopping.

You look like the oldest boy
band ever, and Ruxin, you look

like their creepy gay manager.

Kev, what are you wearing?

It's my new clothes... I love them.

ALL: We love them.

See? They love them.

I can't even process all of this right
now because I have the biggest news.

What?

The walkthrough of your old apartment,
that is happening this afternoon.

I know the buyer.

Yeah, who cares?

Oh, it's only Deion Sanders.

What... Deion Sanders?!

Deion mother-scratching Sanders.

I almost drafted him this
year... I love Deion Sanders.

He's like a black version of me.

This is awesome.

Mr. Sanders, you really saw past
all the atrocious furniture

to see the beautiful bones of this lot.

I like it, I really do.

It's all yours now.

I'm obviously a huge fan, and
you're Prime Time, right?

Right.

People call me Dre Time.

No one calls you that.

People should call me that.

You can't give yourself a
nickname... you got to earn it.

Do you want to call me Dre Time?

No.

Do you?

Nope.

And, by the way, just because
you're the buyer and I'm the

seller, there's no law that
says we can't be best friends.

Can we double check that, please?

Absolutely, and if it is not a law,
we will put it in the contract.

Thank you, Mrs. MacArthur.

Oh, call me Jenny.

Can I call you J Time?

I like that.

Is that cool?

Yeah, J Time.

J Time, Prime Time, Dre Time.

No Time, how about that?

No Time?

I don't like No Time.

It has a ring to it, doesn't it?

It really does.

It suits you.

Hey, Andre, oh, my goodness.

What is this?

Deion Sanders?

I told you guys to wait in the car.

We just had to pee and here you are...
(laughing) This is good.

You can't be friends, right?

Because no one told the other
person how they really look.

Are you guys a boy band?

When we all hang out, people
like to call us the Dre Tones.

Nope, not the Dre Tones.

Yeah, I got one better, okay.

Old Kids on the Block.

That's a good one.

What about the Old Street Boys?

I got one more, one more.

Bell Biv the Old.

Well, these clothes are poison.

Where's the rest of your turtleneck?

It's an infinity scarf.

What did you do with the rest of
the curtain when you cut it up?

Big fan, Deion.

Would you like to go take a
look at the patio upstairs?

No, I love this view.

I love this view. Can I just
put a chair right here?

Did you see that sweater?

Thanks, Andre.

What is going on with you guys?

See, I can only dress you monkeys, but
I need you guys to bring the attitude

in your faces.

Smiles up, and the clothes go up.

So get some swag, you bunch of bitches.

Now, Prime Time, let me tell you
a little bit about Dre Time.

What's going on here?

We just got ripped by
Andre and Deion Sanders.

Have you seen what we're wearing?

I would make fun of us if I were him.

I can't take this anymore.

It's itching me to death.

You know what, enough of these
bullshit games, enough of

the clothes, we just got to shoot
straight with Andre, okay?

(laughs) Okay, that's cool.

Deion told me to take off
the "Time"... it's cool.

It's time for us to have
a serious conversation.

Oh, hash tag real talk, I'm in.

We appreciate that you like Trixie,
but that girl is using you.

She likes me.

Well, then prove it.

Fire her as your decorator and see if
she sticks around as your girlfriend.

I'm not firing her because you
guys think I should, okay?

Well, then maybe we'll just
have to give Mr. Deion Sanders

the full jizz-closure about what
happened in his new apartment.

I wonder if Mr. Deion
Sanders has a DVD player.

Put that away.

We're gonna tell Prime
Time all about slime time.

Mm-hmm.

Do what you got to do.

So everything look good?

Looks great.

Great.

So, No Time, is there anything else
that I should know about this place?

No.

Deal.

Great, we have got a deal.

Thank you so much.

J Time.

J Time.

Dre Time.

No Time.

Yes? Yes?

Is that a Welker connection?

Oh, my God.

Do you have any players left?

Nope.

Do you have a kicker?

Nope.

What about your flex?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, you know what, I'm sorry.

I take that back.

There is one player that I
didn't get a chance to use.

Do you know who that might be?

Michael Bush because he was stolen
right out from underneath me.

No, no, no, no.

He was not stolen.

I was going to get him, and
then you pushed me into a

wall and then you threw me into a chair.

That was karma, Kevin.

You had that coming.

You were lucky your face is the only thing
that smashed into that chair, okay?

What's that supposed to mean?

I've lost before, okay?

And when I lose, I lose graciously.

Well, I don't!

Clearly.

I don't, okay?

You've already won, Kevin.

Oh, yeah, I won, but it's sort
of like Seattle over Green Bay.

Nobody believes me.

I wanted to win for real.

Everything comes with
an asterisk in my life.

My name has an asterisk, all
my wins, my son's dick.

(raspberry) What is that?

Half off, just like ShopRite.

I just wanted something that I
could do on my own, and it means

that I accomplished it, but now I
can't, 'cause I'm out of the playoffs

and you knocked me out, and
everybody's gonna make fun

of me, and now everybody's gonna...
(sobbing)

Just wanted it for myself.

Oh, God!

Why?

Daddy, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, honey, I'm fine.

Just... Daddy needs a minute, okay?

Did Mommy beat you?

Yes!

Yes, she beat me.

She beat me bad.

Daddy, do you need my help?

Nobody can help me.

It's my fault.

And Jermichael Finley's.

(sobbing): Oh, no.

I can help you.

It hurts so bad!

(line ringing)

911, what's your emergency?

(pounding on door)

Whoa, you guys are strippers.

Pete sent me strippers 'cause
I won, I won, oh, yeah.

Ma'am, we're not strippers.

Okay, we get that a lot.

We actually got a domestic violence call.

What?

No, I'm fine.

We're actually talking
about your husband.

That doesn't... Hey, guys.

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine.

It's just, you know, it's
not a happy household.

No, we're super happy.

We're fine.

Half of us are happy.

I mean, we're just a little emotional, I...
She just beat me so... Uh, no, no.

A little diffi... No.

I'm sorry, you're right.

It's my fault, and I
made some bad decisions.

Yeah, you did, but he's fine.

Why don't you guys, uh, just come in.

You can set up and do your little
dance, and I'll just... Kevin...

Don't grab him.

Do not grab him.

Matter of fact, come with me.

Oh, my God, Kevin, Kevin.

Whoa, whoa, where you guys... Why
are you going with the strippers?

They're not strippers.

What?

Oh, no, no, no, guys, guys.

No, no, she didn't beat me.

No, I'm a man.

Welcome, my married friends.

How are you?

So glad you made parole
in time for the party.

Yeah, well, I don't so much
mind doing time as long as I'm

doing time in the playoffs.

I'm so happy for her.

Poor Deion Sanders.

This is not the way I
wanted you to see us.

Oh, hello, Ruxin.

You remember Gina, of course.

Hi, Gina.

We were just showing Gina
this fine apartment.

I haven't upper-decked
anybody for years, but this

place, I'm gonna bring the
move out of retirement.

Whoa, whoa, what are you guys doing?
I thought we were

all wearing Andre clothes.

No, that was just for one day. (Chuckles)

Oh, man.

You look like an asshole.

Yeah, well, you look... super hot.

Hi.

Hi. How are you?

Look at you, party girl.

Hey, Trixie. How are you?

Hi, guys.

Well, the place is really something.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

But it does seem that the designing is
now coming to an end, I guess, huh?

Oh, no, design is never done.

So this could go on for years, Andre.
What are you gonna do about that?

I can answer that with a toast.

Tonight's a very special night,
not just because it's 12-12-12,

but because we are celebrating
a guest of honor.

Trixie, will you join me up here?

Oh, up here? Oh, gosh.

A round of applause for the
decorator who changed my life.

Thank you.

Enough.

Trixie, you have transformed
this apartment, but today, it's

your last day as my decorator.

What?

Here's your final check.

Open it.

What, here, in front of everybody?

I want them all to see this.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, sh... Adam Levine once tweeted,
"Chemistry cannot be purchased."

Even though you and I have
purchased so many things from

color-coordinated books to street art and
ironic terrariums, there's one thing

that I want to purchase that money can't
buy, and that is your undying love.

Trixie Von Stein, will you
make me Andre Von Nozick?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, yes.

Yes?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness.

We're engaged!

We're engaged!

That's gonna be a lot more
expensive than her decorating.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Look at that.

This is balls crazy.

I guess crazier things have happened.

I mean, I never thought that Gina
Gibiatti would be my girlfriend.

Excuse me?

Your girlfriend?

Take it easy.

We're at a party.

How crack piped out are you to think that
I would actually be your girlfriend?

I don't know, we've been
sleeping at each other's houses.

I thought maybe we were exclusive.

Uh, no.

You were a pity (bleep).

Oh, are you crying?

No.

Oh, there they go.

That is so pathetic.

Oh, my God, okay.

Mm, I'm leaving.

Take that.

Okay.

You two.

Yeah?

Left you guys a little engagement
present in your downstairs bathroom.

Enjoy.

Later, bitches.

She just upper-decked your heart, bro.

BOTH: What a night.

Okay, good, looks great.

Yeah, you're just moaning.

Yeah, that's good.

He's getting ready to plunge the knife.

Okay, take one.

"12-12-12: The Mayan Cock-pocalypse."

Dude, that's not what it is.

It's "12-12-12: The Mayan A-cock-alypse."

No, I'm sorry, it's not.

We decided this.

The movie should be called
"12-12-12: The Mayan A-cock-alypse."

"Cock-pocalypse."

"A Mayan A-cock-alypse."

"Cock-pocalypse."

Dude, what... What would
you say if you saw it?

What do you think it is?

My agent said it's "The Cock-and-lips."

"The Cock-and-lips."

That's better is what it is.

Lock it up!

"12-12-12: The Mayan Cock-and-lips."

I love you.

So sad that this is it.

I know, this is it, but we're
going out in a blaze of glory.

Start moaning.

You're wet for death. Action.

Oh, yeah?

(moaning)

Boom.

Boom.

Oh, yeah.

Boom. Boom.

What?

The boom is in the shot.

It's not a boom right now.

It's my sound dick.

What is a sound dick?

Look at this. Boom.

Why aren't you filming this?

This is amazing.

Everybody here with a
dick is now obsolete.

My dick can't hear anything.

Holy God, that's awesome.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on in here?

Who the hell are you?

I'm Deion Sanders.

More importantly, who are you?

I'm Dirty Randy, and you, my
friend, are a thousand times

better looking than your headshot.

Get your coat off and get in here.

Get in here, man, come on.

Are y'all serious?

I think I'm coming out of
retirement for this one.

Whoa, whoa, what?

Buddy, I don't know who you are,
but you're about to get chlamydia.