The League (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 1 - Training Camp - full transcript

Welcome back to the 2012 draft.

We've been talking about it for
months, so the next pick will

not come as a surprise.

It's going to be Robert Griffin
III, quarterback out of Baylor.

See you soon. (Sighs)

Did it. Love you, Mom.

Love you. Whew.

Good job, man. Thanks, man.

Congratulations. How you doing, my man?

Have a good one. I'm gonna do that.

Crowd (Chanting): Rg3, rg3...
(Ruxin laughs)



Hey.
Ruxin: Welcome to the league.

Thanks, Commissioner. Yeah, here we go.

Uh-oh, what's this? There it is.

Here we go, Rob. (Griffin sighs)

Here it is. It's official.

Bam. All right.

All right. Congratulations, Robert.

Thank you.
All your hopes and dreams

have finally culminated in you
being a member of Pete top/Kevin

bottom.
I mean, all the hard work's

definitely paid off.
Those days of protein shakes and

bad gas landed me on team Ruxin.
We're the best.

Just how good do you think it can be?

I think, uh, Pete top/Kevin bottom can
definitely win the Shiva bowl. Whoa-ho.



Shiva komedi somakanakram, bitches!

And you don't find him
even remotely annoying?

Actually I do not. I respect him.

That's right, Andre's on the clock.

Suck it! Wait up, Rodney.

Man, why you telling people we're family?

Next up in the 2012 draft,
it's the pick from the poorly

named double entendres.
(Crowd booing)

You suck. (Mic feedback screeches)

Andre: Sorry. The double entendres select

Trent Richardson, running back, Alabama.

Let's do this. Dodged a bullet on that one, huh?
Yeah, all right, I like that.

There it is, yeah, put it on, right?

Boom, double entendres.
Trent, I got to ask you, how

does it feel to be the newest
team member of a uninspired

squad? Worst feeling ever.

I demand a trade.
Please, can you reconsider?

Never. You won't regret this.

Yes, you will. Back it up, back it up.

Okay, first of all, who are you?

His Mother. Okay, I am sorry.

Um, look, I'll draft the whole family.

I got a lot of positions.
No, no, not interested.

You'd be a great kicker.
What did you call me?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What?

Is that a bad thing?
You little skinny MC Hammer.

Whoa! Well, this appears to be

another draft day first.
Wonder what the Commissioner has

to say about that. Rodney?

Sofia: Rodney, Rodney. Hmm.

Rodney. Oh, call me Roger,
call me Roger. Roger?

(Ruxin grunts) What happened?

I drafted too early. Think I got
a second round pick coming.

Kevin: All right, this round is
brought to you by your Shiva

bowl champion.
Pete: All right, take it

easy, Rudy. Last season is definitely going

to have an asterisk by it.
No, no asterisks.

I earned it.
Ooh, Kevin McAsterisk.

That has a nice ring to it.
Yes.

They call Mr. McAsterisk.
No, they don't.

Taco: Can I be Taco McAsterisk?

You guys can be the McAsterisk brothers.

Whoa, bam! Boo.

What, come on, it's cool.
What, are we gonna do "talk"

"to the hand" next?
Ooh, is that back in?

Talk to the hand because
the face don't understand.

I'm sorry that you have
to pleasure that monster.

It must be unbearable for you. (Laughter)

All right, I have a grievance here.

You are the Sacko.
I would like to dole out Sacko

punishments, but I'm not
allowed to all of a sudden?

I think my punishment was
enough when I got a full-on

stroke. Hey, which one of y'all is Kevin?
The one with the freakishly

large head.
Uh, what the hell is this?

This is my new online cowboy business.

A division of Taco Corp.
Do you have some bad news for

someone? Hire a cowboy to deliver the message.
Everything sounds better coming

from a cowboy. This one's for you, Kevin.

♪ Kevin, the money you loaned Taco he
ain't payin' it back. ♪

I like it.
I need Howdy Doody to tell me that.

Y'all have a good one. Bye.

I am going to make a fortune.
No, you're not going to make

a fortune. It's time to talk football.

Commissioner, please, what is
our draft order this year?

Um, I am no longer the
Commissioner of this league.

Wait a second, if you're not
the Commissioner, who is?

Howdy, partners. Oh.

Oh, no, no. No, I told you, no cards.

You son of a bitch.
So this is how you were able to

hold onto your championship.
By the way, I don't like the "C"

word, but this is collusion.
It is not collusion because

I'm Commissioner and I'm
saying it's not collusion.

Kevin... you see what you've done here?

The concept of total
control is erotic to me.

I am at full chub right now.

Jenny (Sighs): So, how'd they take it?

Not well. Yeah?

Draft gonna be next weekend still?

Indeed. Shit, draft me a beautiful team next weekend.
Week after that, have a

beautiful baby boy.
And I get to name him?

That was the deal.
My beautiful boy.

Mmm... mmm.

I love you. I love you.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, no, no, no. Doo-doo-doo.

What? Easy.

Come on, Kevin, I'm not gonna explode.

I just don't want my son that
close to my dick, I just don't.

How big do you think you are, Kevin?

I just feel like right now that tunnel
is outbound traffic only. Really?

Yeah. Because my other outbound tunnel

you have tried to go inbound on many times.

Well, you're not in the car
during rush hour, and the

traffic signs are very confusing.

Oh, come on, I miss it.
I know, I miss it, too, I

really do.
You want me just a little?

Look, look, look, look, look,
look at the proximity here.

It's like they're whispering to each other.

Don't you miss it? I do.

Well, then, do something about it.

I tried watching pregnancy porn, but it
just grossed me out more. Okay, okay.

Come on, just get comfortable.

You should be on bed rest.
(Jenny groans)

Good night, my sweet love. Good night.

Did you say something?

Guess what. What?

I got a new job.
Oh, look at that.

Congratulations, Pete.
Got rid of that dead-end

pencil-pushing job.
No, no, not in life... in the

league. Look, I figured, since the Sacko.

Commissioner was going dormant
this year, I got myself a new

title. I am the custodian of the hall of records.
Custodian's fitting.

Look, the league web site has
this thing called the "league"

"history" and it's been criminally ignored.

Think that's where I send my lineup.

Well, that's why you don't
have an actual lineup.

Anyhow, I filled our league
history page with factoids and

little fun tidbits from our time together.

That's a pretty solid idea, Pete.

That's ni... oh, what the shit, man?

It's a factoid. He posted naked
pictures of me. (Andre laughs)

Well, yeah, it's really just a
nice remembrance of the time

when you used to get drunk in
college and run errands naked.

Whoa, w-wait, what is this?
"Women that Andre has slept"

with"? Oh, let me see that.

No, no, no, this is not a complete list.

There's, like, only four people on here.

I-I have slept with plenty of women.

Taco, you want to back me up here?

Yep, all four are there. Come on.

You guys see what Pete's doing?

He can't torture one of us as
the Sacko Commissioner, so he's

going to torture all of us by being the
custodian of the hall of records. Yes.

Cards, ladies and gentlemen. Nice.

Custodian. Okay, you can't just make up
jobs like this. Right, Commissioner?

I am not your Commissioner.
If you want to talk to me, you

can refer to me as your league
champion, and I have also made

up some cards. Woo.

What, did you guys all
get cards without me?

Yep. Oh, Taco, who is "the Taco of"

"the league." (Phone rings)

Hello? This is Jerry Jones with the Cowboys.
Yeah, uh, o-okay, Jerry

Jones. Yeah, and this is Dan Snyder.

This is Jerry Jones, owner of the
Cowboys, and I need to speak

to Taco. He owns something I want.

Um... it's Jerry Jones for Taco.

Jerry Jones of, like, the
Dallas Cowboys Jerry Jones?

Yeah, I highly doubt it.
Maybe it's Jenny Jones asking

if he'll be on the show.
Dallas Cowboys. Oh.

See, I figured the best place to
start my online Cowboys business

was Dallas, and I was looking for
a web site to start it and I

Darn tootin'. What?!

Hello? Hello? Hey! Hey! Put it on
speaker, speaker, speaker. Hello? Hello?

back, and I'm prepared to pay for it.

I don't do deals over the phone, Jerry.

Why don't I fly you and your
friends to Cowboys training

camp, watch a little practice,
meet some players, we'll talk a

little business. I can't imagine that
my friends would want to... what?!

Yes, we would! All right, fine.

My assistant, Marilyn, will
call you back with the details.

Is Marilyn hot?
What a bunch of morons.

I can't believe these frittatas get to
go to camp and we can't go. I can't go.

Babe! You're gonna go into
labor any minute... how can I

leave you alone?
Do you remember what we did

to Ruxin last year?
One of us has to make sure he

doesn't pull that same shit on us.

You're going. If you are not
gonna stay here and make love to

this beautiful body... Oh... what do I
do, what do I do? What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go. Thank you so much! Oh... Mm.
I love you. I love you. Go. Have fun.

Okay. All right. Say hi
to Jason Witten. I will.

(Whispers): So hot. Oh. I won't.

Good God.

What's up, guys? Hey, fellas.
How you doing?

Guys, ro-romo. Tony...!

What's up, guy? (Whistle blows)

Right! Unbelievable.

I've always talked about going
to a training camp, and here we

are, Dallas Cowboys camp. Ooh...
Yes! I could do that.

Play professional football?
Does that pay well?

Yeah. For, like, two or three years.

You know what, you may think
that this is great, but tonight

is even gonna be better because
I have yelp'd one of the best

sea urchin spots in all of Oxnard.

Shut up, Andre.
All right, guys, I got to get to

my meeting with Jerry Earl Jones.

It's Jerry Jones. Jerry Earl Jones.

No, James Earl Jones was Darth Vader.

Yeah. Darth Vader owns the Dallas Cowboys.

Okay, that's fine. Lawyers?

Let's go. (Chuckles): Okay.

Taco's making deals.
I remember our deal, that your

championship stands and I get
naming rights to your child.

You weren't really serious about that.

Dead serious. Fine. Fine.

Okay, just don't name him
something stupid, please.

No, I'll find something that
goes well with McAsterisk.

Hey, assholes. Let's go, we're late.

So, I see you've brought
along your two lawyers.

Uh, this guy's my actual lawyer.

This underdressed human being
is my tagalong brother.

Well, I can tell by this
business card here that I'm

dealing with the cofounder
of the Taco Corporation.

(Whispers): Should I respond?
You can respond.

That is correct. Let's get down to brass tacks.
Jerry, my client has something

that you want, and I'm sure
that we can reach a fair and

agreeable price for that product.

I don't know about this.
I may never have another idea as

good as this one. That, I do not doubt.

And just being here at this
training camp, I got to say,

there are a lot of Cowboys out
there who'd be really good for

my company.
So you really think my

players had rather go tell
someone their dog had died or

that they'd been fired than to
play professional football?

They're both glamorous, but,
Jerry, I'm offering them a

chance at a real career.
This is like talking to a

mound of pudding.
On a good day, Sir.

Butterscotch pudding.
(Groans): Oh.

So, let's cut the crap.
How much is this gonna cost me?

Jer-bear, my client has a few
very specific demands...

Musings, pictures of shoes I
like, drawings of historical

figures interacting with food
in unusual ways, portraits of

people I know drawn from memory,
sex photos... No. What?

Let me tell you how this is gonna happen.

I'm gonna write a number down
on this piece of paper...

And I drew a picture of myself
on this piece of paper.

And this is going in the garbage.

But that's a picture of me riding a tiger.

No. He'll take this.
That works, that works.

Taco, you just made $250,000. I'm sure he's

gonna spend it wisely. That's a lot of

butterscotch pudding.
Now, you chuckleheads, get

your ass out of my office. And, you, put
that football back. Oh, this football.

It's not mine. I'll put it back.
All right! Looking good!

Well, Taco is rich.
Rich to Taco is, like, having

20 bucks and a can of four loko.
No, like... you rich.

How's it feel, Taco? Eh.
I've been rich before.

Well, guys, money comes and
goes, but the draft order is

forever. And as your Commissioner, I have

devised an amazing way to figure it out.

Okay, well, try and top this. Hey, Jason,
Felix, come on over, guys. Holy shit!

What's up, fellas? How's it going?

Hey, what's up? Good to see you, man.

Hey, you must be Rodney.
You didn't play me last year

against Tampa bay. What's up with that?

It was a mistake on my part.
And everybody calls me Ruxin.

Well, I'm gonna call you Rodney, Rodney.

Well, I'm gonna call you Felix, Felix.

Rodney. Felix.

Rodney. Oh.

Wait, how did you know who he was?

Oh, he showed us the hall of records.

It's amazing you guys are
putting all that stuff on the

Internet. People actually look

at that stuff, you know.
By the way, Kev, lost some

weight since all those naked photos, huh?

And I just want you guys to
know that I've totally, uh,

slept with more than four women.
Like, it's more like

upwards of five. Upwards of five?

What's upwards mean? I totally, like,
French-kissed a nipple. Oh, my God.

Right. All right.
We got you guys something.

Jack. Ty. What's this?

Oh... autographed, too?

Gonna put this in the office.
Now that you guys got the

football, try to score.
Wh-what do you mean?

You're gonna start on this end
of the field, you're gonna

get to the other end zone,
with the ball, of course.

Through the practice?
Yep, through the practice.

First person in the end zone gets the
first pick in the draft. Whoa. Wait.

Wait, are we gonna start...
(Air horn blares)

Oh! Okay, all right!

Why are we running?
Wait, wait... wait for me!

Get out of here!

Uh, coach Eckhart's here. Run, run!

(Grunting) (Shouting)

Run, Andre! (Andre screaming)

(Grunts) Got him!

(Laughing) Ow!

Ha-ha! Up yours, Felix!

Rodney! Eyes up!

See what you're hitting, buddy.
Ha-ha-ha, I got this!

Ho-ho-ho-ho! Aw, shit! Aw, shit!

Come on! No, no, not today, buddy.

You're looking tired, Rudy. Not today.

Yeah, take care! Woo! Oh, yeah, first
pick, first pick, first pick! (Grunts)

Oh! (Grunts) You don't steal from the
Cowboys, you don't score on the Cowboys.

Aah! What?!

N-nothing. I have a present for you,
Mr. Ratliff, Sir. Thank you. I got this.

Streaker! Woo! Hey, come on, man!

Taco, no one wants to see your junk.

Second base... third base...
Home run! Woo! Woo! Yes!

First pick of the draft! Ha-ha-ha!

Unh, unh, unh, unh! What's your name?

Brandon Carter.
You don't look like a kicker.

But guess what? You're my first pick.

Give me a hug. I'm not touching that.

Ooh! Ooh! That is refreshing. Taco, here.

Come on! Cover your taco
bells, please. Oh! Oh!

I win! Suck it! Suck it! Hey!

Mr. Jones is willing to let you use his
private plane to go home. Yeah! Yeah!

Cool! If you leave right now.

Oh. We go that way then?

Go! Oh, the exit... Okay. See you guys.
I knew I could play football!

Ugh! Those shit sippers.

They're at goddamn cowboy camp
right now, and I'm just here,

beached. You know what? Fine.

Mama's just gonna stay here by herself...
and get happy.

Mmm. Oh, yeah!

Ah! Oh, yeah.

Okay. Hey, Jenny.

It's Jason Witten. Hey, Jason.

How you doing? I'd love to be on your team.

Yeah, you can be on my team, Jason.

Hey, Jenny. What's up, girl?
This is Desean.

Oh, hey, Desean. You draft me, I'm talking

about two touchdowns a game.
Oh, I want all your TDS.

And don't forget about the punt returns.

Oh, I won't. Oh, shit!

Desean Jackson! Kevin!

I-I won't say anything.
It's cool. I'll just watch.

No. Get out of here.
Desean is the only man I want

to talk to right now. Oh, God, my team's
gonna be so good this year. Hi, Jenny.

Shiva? It's me, Shiva.

(Laughing): Oh, my God! Wow.

You know, you're the only one
of these shit-sipping frittatas

I can relate to?
Oh, my God, is this my year?

It's our year. Totally.

Totally. Totally!

Totally. Totally.

Totally. Oh, Shiva!

Mmm. Oh, you know what? I don't...
Oh, no, it's good. Awesome!

No, Kevin. It's my fantasy. Go away!

(Kevin whoops) Um... this isn't
really gonna work for me. No. Shiva!

God, Kevin! Oh, come on, Jenny!

(Jenny sighs) Jenny? Jenny?

Jenny? Oh, God, Kevin, go away!

Jenny? Jenny? Oh, Shiva! Shiva! Oh, Shi...
Jenny, stop it. Stop doing it.

Shiva komedi somakanakram.
Jenny... come on, babe.

Listen. Hello! Oh, my God!

Hello?! Oh!

What are you doing?!
You don't recognize your own

wife's vinegar strokes?
I wasn't doing that.

Whoa. It's onto her and her baby's soul...
both not great.

No. Jenny, you were flicking that bean
like mean Joe Greene. No, I wasn't.

Your pants are all wet. Oh, my God.

I think my water just broke. Is that
how a lady says she's coming? What?

I think I'm having the baby.
Right-right-right now?

(Laughing): Yeah.
Okay, if it's amniotic fluid,

it will smell sweet. Let me take a look.

(Jenny yells) Stop it!
What? What?

You're doing really well.

You're about eight centimeters dilated.

Oh! Continue to breathe through it...
breathe in and out. Doing great, babe.

Steady breathing. Okay.

What's the word? It's been 14 hours.

This baby's not coming out.
Look, draft's about to start.

You coming or what?
Just hold on one second.

Nice. How are those contractions?

Oh. Oh! Oh.

They feel kind of like
that every couple minutes.

About every three minutes. Thank you.

(Jenny sighs) We're not gonna make it.

Whatever, caption auto draft.
Has the draft started?

Yeah, but you know what?
We'll do the draft from here.

Yeah. I got a phone. Okay, good.

Oh, here we go. Don't worry. Really. Okay.

Okay, good, good, good, breathe. Breathe.

All right, this is good.
Breathe and tell me your

thoughts on Adrian Peterson. What?

Where are you picking? Third.

Are you crazy?! God. I know.
I don't know. I...

He's on the B.U.B. still. Mr.
McArthur, can we let her

concentrate here, please? Yes, of course.

Adrian Peterson's a beast,
but it did happen week 16.

What do you think about that ACL?

Listen to me! You are about to become the

father of a boy, and I would be
remiss in my duties if I did not

tell you that I think Adrian
Peterson, any time before the

third round, is nuts. Yup.

No running back has ever come
back from an ACL to have a good

season the following year
with the exception of deuce

McAllister, and he was 22
years old at the time.

Just what he said.
What kind of league is this,

anyway? It's an eight-man league.

That's child's play.
Let's focus on this, okay?

Yes. Oh, oh. Oh, here we go!
Okay, keep breathing.

Keep breathing now. Okay, here it comes.

Now don't push.
Get your mitt and your pail.

Get it out. We don't use... We
don't use a mitt or a pail.

Having my baby. Let's get this baby out.

Let's keep breathing here. Come on, baby.

There you go... hey, hey, hey!

Let's get ready to draft!
Excuse me. You guys have to

wait outside. Well, the Commissioner is

requiring that we draft here. (Taco whoops)

All right, I love hospital parties.
Where is the bar?

(Jenny gasps and groans) There's no bar.

It's a hospital. It's America.

There's always a bar. This cannot happen.

You people cannot be in here.
No. They can stay.

I want to make my own first-round pick.

Oh, God! Okay, the baby is descending.

It's time to push. All right!

It's happening? Hey, Jenny, what's the
wifi password? (Jenny groans loudly)

Is that all caps or lower case?

Doc, I'm gonna use the
bassinet for these stickers.

They're basically sterile.
The bar is officially open.

Who wants a screwdriver?
Okay, the baby is crowning.

Oh, looking good, Jenny!
Hey, get back behind the line

of scrimmage! Off sides, Andre!?

Fine. Go!

Shh, shh, shh. It's really good.

So the Commissioner announces
that the draft will begin now.

Jenny, I need you to ignore
your bullshit eight-man league

and focus on your baby, please.
Yeah, just breathe.

Oh, I can do both.
With the first pick in the

draft, we have Taco.
And with my first pick, I

would like to announce a trade. What?!

What? Really?

A trade? A who done it? Well, I'll
tell you who done did it. Oh.

Arian Foster. Puh-pwap! No!

Oh! Come on!

You traded away your
first-round draft pick?

What did you get in return? Naming rights.

What? Kevin?! Push, Jenny, push!

(Plays note on harmonica) That's it.
Push for me! Push!

One big push! Howdy, y'all.

What the hell is this?
Is that cowboy sterile?

I doubt it. ♪ There's a new Sheriff in town...
Come on, push, Jenny.

Try to ignore them. No! I don't want it like this!
♪ And this cowpoke's name

is Chalupa Batman McArthur...
What the hell, Kevin?!

Push. Push. Good. Push.

One more big push, Jenny. There you go!

(All talking at once) (Cheering)

We have a son!
♪ Chalupa Batman McArthur!

(Baby cries, Taco whoops) Oh!

See? Everything sounds
better coming from a cowboy.

Oh, fuck you guys.
It is decided.

Chalupa Batman. Both: Yee-haw!