The League (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 8 - Thanksgiving - full transcript

Babe?

Mm-hmm. What?

You always focus on the left
breast, you ignore the right

breast, and then you move on.

Are you accusing me
of breast favoritism?

Is there something wrong
with my right breast?

No, it's fantastic, so... Okay, so why
don't you pay attention to both of them?

I guess I have kind of my routine, like, you know...
Can't you just improvise?

All right, I will improvise a bit.

What if we tried, like, where
you're, like, a French courtesan

from the 19th century who
loves to give blow jibbers?



How about I pretend to be a nun?

All right, we'll just do, like,
a little spoon and slip.

And... scene.

So, sue me. I have a routine.

Mm-hmm.

We all have a routine in bed.

Of course.

I like to count off-- one, two,
three, four, one, two, three, four.

It's like a sexual fox-trot.

You have a play that
works, you keep running that

play until you get stopped.

And she stopped me, and I
don't know what to do.

I mean, I love her breasts.

I would make a statue to them.



They're perfect.

Actually, a lot of guys
are doing that now-- making

statues of their wives.

So if I made a statue of
Sofia's naked body, maybe I

could, like, give it
to her for Christmas.

If you're serious about
it, I have a mold guy.

Is he the guy who did The Dre?

Uh, no. He moved to Taiwan.

Yeah, should have done it
before baby Jeffrey was born.

Yeah, her breasts
were great back then.

Okay, can we just stop talking
about breasts and sex?

I'm sorry.

Are we offending you?

Just, I'm very frustrated right now.

We have water damage in our house,
and Ellie's room's under

construction, so she's been
spending nights in our room.

I am counting the days till we
can just paint the room and get

her back into her own place.

Just be careful of the paint you use.

Why?

Because I am currently representing a
cheap paint company whose cans allegedly

explode.

Just out of curiosity,
what is your defense?

Well, if you are purchasing
something that is half the price

of your competitors, then there
is a reasonable expectation that

that product will explode in your face.

And morally, you're good with this?

There was just one word in there
that I am not familiar with.

That one.

No, it's too dark.

This one.

No. She said she wants cinnamon.

None of these are really cinnamon.

She wants a color that does not
exist on this color wheel.

Yes, exactly.

Tell her that cinnamon only exists in
spice racks and strip clubs, that's it.

Well, I think we're gonna
have to go custom.

Custom?
I don't want to spend more time.

I want our daughter to be in her
room in her bed so that when you

and I are in our bed, we can do the
recreational activities that we like to do.

I don't want you to get frustrated.

I mean, what are we gonna
do about this, babe?

I don't know.

She's outside playing right now.

Want to do a little recreation?

Mm-hmm.

I like this.

Yeah, you do?

Yeah.

What are you guys
doing in my bedroom?

Oh! Oh, oh, oh.

Hi... sweetie.

Honestly, I was looking for
zipper fairies... Yes.

...in Daddy's zipper.

What are zipper fairies?

Uh, fairies that hide in your
zipper and get it stuck, and

Mommy was just trying
to get them all out.

Yeah.

Did you get all the zipper fairies out?

No, I didn't.

No, no, she did not, sadly.

Um, I found these in your bathroom.

I don't exactly know what they are.

Ooh.

Oh... I... No, too soon, too soon.

It's too soon.

They... They're stickers.

Sticklers?

They're underwear stickers.

Underwear stickers?

Underwear stickers!

Oh, here, check this out.

Okay.

What do you think of that one? Yeah!

That one looks like doggie doody.

I don't know what you're looking for.

Cinnamon.

You said I could pick,
and I choose cinnamon.

Oh, I guess we'll just have to forge
on and get rid of these fairies.

Well, I have to go get my
underwear stickers back, so you

are left to hunt for
fairies on your own.

Oh.

Sorry.

Well, start packing your bags,
fairies, 'cause yoguys

are going home to a tube sock.

Sofia is now bugging out about the body
image stuff, and I'm, like... Mm-hmm.

..."You have a beautiful body.
I don't know how to tell you."

I feel like the statue's
the thing to do.

What is this?

What is this thing?

It's a breast implant.

This is a breast implant?

Yes.

This is awesome.

It's like a stress ball.

It's actually quite helpful.

It's like a stress plant.

A stress plant. I like that.

I don't know why woman don't
just grab onto their own

whenever they're stressed out.

You know, if you want
to keep it, take it.

I got tons of 'em.

It's just a sample.

Great. Thank you.

All right, so what do we need to
do to get the statue thing done?

It needs to be a surprise.

If you want it to be a surprise,
just get me a picture

of her, I'll give it to my guy,
and he can work off of that.

That's all you need is a picture?

Yeah.

Wow. Why do you have a topless
photo of your wife in your jacket?

Will that work?

Yes, sure, my God.

Whoa! Sofia boobs.

Let me see that.

What's going on here?

Absolutely not.

How did you get that picture?

I went on vacation with her for
our honeymoon to Europe, and

I convinced her to go
topless for a few hours.

I grabbed a few photos, told her I
erased the tall, kept one of 'em.

But the question remains, why do
you keep it in your jacket pocket?

For personal use.

Oh, no.

No, you don't.

You do not masturbate to a
photo of your own wife.

Out of everyone in your life,
you picked the only person you

can actually have sex with.

What?

I'm not allowed to have porn
in my house, and my roster

sucks, so I need some material.

That's like if a serial killer
wrote a romance novel, he

would jerk off to his wife.

Extended family, sure.

Like your aunt or something-- fine.

Your aunt?

Excuse me?

She's not really my aunt.

I mean, we call her Aunt Kiki,
but she's more like a cousin.

Kiki.

She used to be a boat show model.

Oh, my goodness.

What is this? Toro Tails.

Hmm.

Really?

Why do you have our
high school newspaper?

I just donated some money there,
and they put me on the

mailing list.

Why would you give money to the school?

You hated high school.

No, I didn't.

I loved high school.

High school was my jam.

We shat all over you in high school.

I know, but you guys said
that was all in good fun.

That's what we made you
tell the principal.

Since I gave that donation, the
school wants to do a little

ceremony to honor me, so they
want some pictures, so what do

you think?

So the message you want to
send is that it's okay to be

second best?

Is that it?

Oh, no, I didn't...
I, on the other hand-- still number one.

Pete Eckhart-- pole vault
record, baby. Boom.

Barely, though.

Look at that.

Oh, you know what?

Let me find out where this
principal's office is.

Hey, excuse me, um... Hi. Yeah.

Carmanjello, um, where's
the principal's office?

What?

No. It's been forever
since I've been here.

I just... I totally forgot.

Oh, my God.

Did you just call me Carmanjello?

Yeah. That's your name, right?

No, it is not my name, man.

Did it ever occur to you that
it might be the name of the

janitorial service I work for?

Oh, I... Yeah, my name is Steve.

And you just assumed that all
black people have crazy-ass

names, huh?

I don't assume anything
about black people.

It's written on your shirt.

I'm not a racist.

You sure you're not a racist?

I'm not a racist.

I'm gonna ask you a question.

Why would somebody name
their baby Carmanjello?

What kind of woman would do that?

I don't know.

Maybe your mom liked
opera and desserts.

Okay, so now you're making
fun of black people.

I'm sorry, I'm not a racist.

Taboo is my favorite Black Eyed Pea.

I love the show Martin!

You so crazy.

You're not helping yourself.

Why did you think his name was
Carmanjello in the first place?

It's written on his uniform.

So when you go to the gas station,
do you call that guy Exxon?

No, okay, Carmanjello could be a name.

I mean, who here has Plaxico?

I love Plaxico Burress.

Right?

Jermichael, D'Brickashaw, LaRod.

Montario Hardesty.

Jacquizz.

Laveranues Coles.

Carmanjello.

Yeah, except Carmanjello's
name is actually Steve.

That's the problem.

This is gonna haunt me.

Now I'm a donator at this school.

Every time I go there, I'm
going to be embarrassed.

I just, I can't get comfortable.

My back is killing me.

Because you need to get laid.

Ellie is still sleeping in our room.

I want to go to that spa that
we went to and get a massage.

Oh, wait a second.

This is a great idea.

I should bring Carmanjello-- I mean,
I should bring Steve to the spa.

What?

Like, kind of a race summit
over a couples massage.

The same way Obama brought that
black professor and that white cop.

This solves all my problems.

Coming through.

Excuse me.

Jesus, what, are you
smuggling diamonds?

No, because diamonds aren't forever.

But Forever stamps are.

I invested all my money that I
made pretending to be that old

woman's gardener into Forever stamps.

It's a foolproof plan.

They never depreciate in
value, they only go up.

I paid 44 cents for these,
soon they'll be 45, 46.

And who knows, maybe
one day, the big 5-0.

I'm sitting on thousands
of pennies right now.

Oh, Ruxin, as my lawyer, I'm
gonna need you to keep these

valuables at your place.

I do not feel comfortable
keeping them in my apartment.

The front door is half
cardboard, and it gets really

moist in there, so I think it's
gonna make them all stick together.

Taco, as your attorney, I'm gonna
say that legally it's your

next of kin that has to hold onto them.

No, it's not.

Legally, it's not.

Yeah, I think he's right.

No, it is.

Next of kin, please?

No. Fine, okay, I'll do it.

Actually, I'm gonna keep a little
bit of spending stamps on me.

Can't keep it all in the bank.

Taco, you can't use that
as actual currency.

I beg to differ.

Everyone needs stamps.

Taco, where'd you get this briefcase?

Stole it from some moron.

It says "Kevin" on it.

Bartender, take another round, please.

How is the statue coming along?

Got a slight, a slight problem.

What, they can't make the statue
as hot as my actual wife?

I lost the picture.

What?

Yeah, I mean, I'm trying to find it.

I just don't know where it is.

You, uh, you lost the
topless photo of my wife?

I am searching high and low for
it, and we're gonna find it.

I actually have a bunch of
people looking for it as well.

You told everyone in your office to
look for the naked photo of my wife?!

They don't know what
they're looking for.

So what did you tell them?

Just to bring me anything
that looks interesting.

Andre, not only did you lose a
topless photo of my wife, but

it is my main material for spank bank.

I can give you a picture of Aunt Kiki.

What?

She's in a onesie on a
houseboat in Lake Havasu.

It's pretty good.

Ugh, disgusting. No.

Find it now!

Just so you know, I'm not racist.

I know we got off to a bad start.

I want to get a fresh start.

And I am so sorry I
called you Carmanjello.

You know what, I'm gonna let it go.

Take the high road.

I'm taking the high road.

Okay, and I'm gonna take the
road next to the high road--

separate but equal roads.

You want that?

I'm gonna give you the affirmative
action to take that higher road.

The what?

How in the world you
choose those words?

This is amazing.

Okay, look, we're here to what?

Erase the hate, okay?

Right, okay.

We're gonna have a really good time.

This is a high-end men's salon.

And what I've done is I've secured
one of the best masseuses...

A white woman would be preferable.

And if you can't get a white woman,
get, like, a little Chinese girl.

That a thing you like?

Why would I say it if it
wasn't a thing I like, man?

I don't know.

All right, look, back there, you can
kind of put on a towel, get a bathrobe.

Just in there?

In there.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Hey. This is great.

I thought you'd be gone.

This is not great.

This is the opposite of great.

I called up and found out
when you were coming, so I

figured you could come here, you could
meet Carmanjello-- I mean, Steve.

Ah, keep on doing that.

I'm just gonna pretend
like I don't know you.

I don't want to be a part of your
massage on Selma, all right?

Okay.

Hey, man, they don't have any,
uh, any robes in there.

Steve, meet my friend Kevin.

Kevin, meet Steve.

How you doing?

Nice to meet you.

Steve.

Let's get you a robe, all right?

Don't do that, man, come on.

All right, want to pound it out?

Okay, nobody wants to get
pounded in a day spa.

All right, I'm with it.

I'm jivin' with it.

Nice to meet you, Steve.

You, too, man.

Take care.

Cinnamon.

Hey.

Did you, uh, happen to, uh, find
a picture at school, like, a

light-skinned Hispanic woman, topless?

What? No!

What, was it on the
ground or something?

I had it on me and it fell out.

I haven't seen it, okay?

All right, all right.

Man.

Excuse me, masseuse?

Yes?

Um... Oh, no.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I keep on doing that.

Um, I had some lower back pain.

I was wondering if you could
go down, like, my coccyx.

It's a weird spot.

I feel a lot of tension there.

Oh, yeah.

Even a little bit lower.

You know, you could just pull the sheet
down a little bit and get right...

No, it's no good.

Okay.

This feels really good.

Yeah, get really in there.

Harder.

I just get sore in this area.

Yeah, oh, that feels good.

The hell?

Are you taking a pic... What?

Whoa, what the hell are
you doing in here, man?!

Nothing, nothing!

Why are you in here?!

Oh, you're gonna take a
picture of the black man.

A black man is getting a
massage-- what a rare thing.

Let's take a picture.

That's racist!

Y'all both racist!

No, no, no, it's got
nothing to do with race!

It's about the color of
your skin, that's all!

That's the definition of racism, man!

I'm just here because you're a
perfect shade between lucky

penny and chocolate ribbon.

You're my cinnamon!

What are you doing, man?

Get out of here!

He's perfect cinnamon!

Whoa, whoa, hold on a second.

Wait, if I'm anything at all, I'm
between royal oak and burnt honey.

Well, I would disagree with that.

I mean, beehive is where
I had you accurately.

Beehive-- are you kidding me?!

But I'm telling you right
now, you're cinnamon.

I am so sorry.

You're sorry?

You should be sorry
'cause this is creepy.

You're a racist.

What?!

And you're crazy, all right?

No, no.

What are you talking about?

Uh-uh, I'm leaving.

I'm calling the authorities
on both y'all.

Skin tester.

Carmanjello.

"Carmangelo"!

"Carmangelo"!

Say it right now!

"Carmangelo".

Goddamn.

Oh, that was awkward.

Did you get the picture that
I texted you of the color?

The picture of the black guy, right?

Yes, but let's not say
"black guy," okay?

What should I call him, then?

You don't have to call him
anything, Taco, you just take

the picture to the paint store,
tell the man, "Sir, I would like

some color in this specific
shade of cinnamon."

Black person cinnamon.

No, don't say-- no black people.

Don't say "black people."

Stop saying "black people."

Stick to "cinnamon."

Okay.

I need this done today, as
fast as humanly possible.

I want to go back into my bed and I
want to have intercourse with my wife.

You must really want to have sex.

Is the sex you have even that good?

I don't know, Taco, probably
not, but I still want it.

Monogamy is so sad.

Yeah, okay, see you later.

Hey, homegirl.

- Hi.
- Oh, no.

What are you doing?

I'm putting stickers
on Mommy's underwear.

No, no, no, no, no, these
are my life savings.

Wait, you can't take Mommy's underwear.

Trust me, I'm doing her a favor.

These are cheap panties you
get in a 12-pack at Costco.

Not sexy.

Well, there's that picture
you were looking for, Andre.

Good afternoon, sir.

I need you to mix three cans of
your cheapest paint in this

shade of cinnamon, please.

That's a very pretty shade of cinnamon.

Um, what do you call that?

African-American janitor.

I can mix that for you.

Ho yw do you want to pay?

Forever stamps.

Listen, I apologize for the
cheapness and overd all unsexins

of the style, but these stamps
on here are legal tender.

But they're stamps.

Listen, everybody needs stamps.

Give me a second.

What happened to that
shitty paint they recalled?

Great.

This is it.

Is that the cheapest?

That's the cheapest I have, yes, it is.

All right, done.

Okay, all right, then.

I'm just gonna take a couple...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

But I want a soda.

Ruxin, babe, have you seen
baby Jeffrey's blanket?

What's that?

Oh, my God.

Is this some kind of sick hint?

You want me to get a boob job.

No, no, no, this is
like a stress implant.

No, you hate my body.

No, I straight-up love your body.

You hate this breast.

No, I love that breast and
I love the other one.

It's one of the main
reasons I married you.

I take that statement back already.

Look, I want it to be a surprise, but in
full disclosure, I am trying to get a

statue made of your body to
show you how much I love it.

Andre has a statue guy who's
going to do it for us.

Not The Dre guy.

No, no, no, he's not allowed
back in the country.

We're gonna go talk to Andre and
he will corroborate the whole

story, I promise.

Taco, where are my underwear?

Oh, I spent them.

You gavoue my underwear to people?

I didn't give your underwear to people.

I exchanged them for
goods and services.

Who has my underwear?

Uh, I bought something at the
pet store, I bought some shin

pads at a garage sale.

Some random guy at a garage sale
has my underwear right now?

Yeah, and he wouldn't take 'em
until I showed him a picture

of you, and then he paid me.

Taco.

Students, we have a very
important assembly today, and I

thank you very much for
coming out this afternoon.

Now, you may not know
the name Andre Nowzik.

He was a student at this very
school, and thanks to a generous

donation, these kids' dreams
are going to come true.

So now, without further ado, I'd
like to present the Andre Nowzik

Abstinence Awareness Center.

What, what is this?

This is like virgin Christmas.

If I had known that that is
what the donation was for, I

would have written a check myself.

What is this?

This is your money helping others.

I didn't want this.

I had sex in high school.

Garbage time doesn't count, Andre.

Prom week-- is that garbage time?

You get the job done,
you get the job done.

Well, Andre's generous
donation is a great start.

That's why I'm encouraging all
alumni to donate as well, which

is why we have set up
the donation cube.

That is filled with my underwear.

I got in the giving spirit.

With my underwear?

Nothing says abstinence
like your underwear.

That is not true.

I have some very trashy underwear.

Granny panties in bulk is
sad, not trashy, honey.

Get it back.

Excuse me?

Go get my underwear.

No, you go get it.

Sweetheart, go get my underwear.

We actually have some students here from
one of our most popular clubs-- the

Abstinence Alliance-- and I'm
sure they would love to hear

directly from you about your life
here at North Winnetka as a virgin.

So would you mind?

Oh, thank you so much.

I don't mind.

Uh, hate to burst your bubble, but
I totally had sex in high school.

That's funny, that's funny.

What is this?

I mean, you want proof?

I'll give you proof.

I had, like, college-level sex in
high school, like girl on top

of guy, you know, reverse reverse
cowgirl-- regular cowgirl, you know.

Hey, hey, it's great to be
a virgin in high school.

Hey, it's great.

No, no, it's not, but thank you.

Hey, it's a good thing.

Don't touch me, don't touch me.

You don't want to touch me 'cause you
don't know where these hands have been.

I fingered a girl inl y day.

One time a girl told me just
to put the tip in, and I did.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm taking back my, my wife's panties.

Jesus, you need underwear,
I'll give you some stamps.

You're stealing panties
from the donation cube?

No, no, no... These are my
panties and they are trashy.

Thank you.

Why can't you just call Andre?

Because he's getting some stupid award.

He's here.

Oh, he can explain everything.

Andre, Andre, hi.

Can you please explain to my
wife that I love her body and

all of its features so much that
I was planning on making a

statue in her honor?

Oh, yeah, with that naked picture.

What?

What?

What?

What naked picture?

The one from your honeymoon--
the topless one.

I thought you deleted that.

You know, you should be complimented.

Most men will not
masturbate to their wives.

Oh, my God, you're kiing.

Babe, it's not a problem
'cause the picture's gone.

Yeah, I lost it.

Where?

I don't know where.

Why does everyone ask me that?

If I knew where it was, it
wouldn't be lost, right?

Bottom line is, it's gone, okay, babe, so...

What is... What... What is that?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Found it.

What happened?

W-What is it doing there?

It's not coming up.

It's waxed into the floor.

Andre, what did you do?

What did I do?

I didn't do anything.

I can't believe this is happening.

Okay, we can deal with this.

I don't even want you
masturbating to me.

You are on your own.

You got to do what you got to do, guys.

Got it.

All your teachers smoke pot.

Babe.

All right, priming complete.

We have our cinnamon paint,
courtesy of Carmanjello, so

let's get this thing going and
we can get Ellie back in here

and we can get our room back.

Well, we don't really need our
room back right now because

Ellie is watching a
video with headphones.

Really?

You dirty dog.

Oh, boy.

Yeah?

That's so cool.

I love it.

Mom, you're checking Dad's zipper
for zipper fairies, right?

She didn't find any.

I think they're dead.