The League (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 7 - Carmenjello - full transcript

Kevin and Jenny search for the perfect paint color to get back their privacy, Sofia accuses Ruxin of Breast Favoritism and Pete tries to defend his High School Track record.

KEVIN: This is nice.

Brother lunch.

TACO: So, uh, how's Jenny doing?

Oh, you know she's...
Ah, it was a rhetorical question.

Okay. Well, since we're he, there's
something I want to talk to you about.

You have to start setting a
lineup every single week.

I don't already do that?

No, you don't.

People are starting to
question your loyalty.

Okay.

I mean, what are you doing all
day long, you can't take



five minutes to set a lineup?

What aren't you doing that you're not?

So another rhetorical question?

No. I want specifics.

What do you do with your time?

Your aimlessness fascinates me.

Well, I'm not sitting around
eating a beef bucket.

Well, this beef bucket is actually
research for work that I'm doing.

Yobagoya's having a jingle
competition, and if I win it,

I get Yobagoya for life.

A lifetime to be brutally
cut short by colon cancer.

Well, you used to eat it all the time.

4:00 in the morning, really drunk?

Those were shame meals.



I mean, does that even
taste good to you?

It's not about what it
tastes like, my friend.

$2.99 for a bucket of beef.

Taco, you can't buy a
bucket of nails for $2.99.

ANDRE: Table for three?

No, no, this is a brother's lunch.

What's up, my brother?

(laughs)

Wow, what is that?

Oh, this is something I made
from something I found.

Okay, you can go now.

I'm an urban forager.

It's no big deal.

Actually, it's a huge deal.

Urban foraging is the new way to eat.

The best most adventurous local
eating can be found by just

putting on your Wellies
and going foraging.

How do you have time for this?

Doesn't anybody work?

Weeds and fruit that you would never
think to eat are actually delicacies.

Even clams and snails.

Urban nails?

Oh, yeah.

Slugs? It's disgusting.

Hold that thought.

What?

Mustard greens.

Do you see that?

No.

There are mustard greens here.

What are you doing?

This is great!

Don't go in there.

That's tras... Andre?

What are you...?

Oh, guys, there's so much here.

You want some of this?

No!

Do not put that in your mouth.

That is disgusting.

Mushroom caps and...
Oh, no, that's a condom.

All right, so what are
we working on here now?

We got the cheap Mexican
paint cans exploding.

RUXIN: Allegedly.

Drug companies, erectile dysfunction
medication causes brain lesions.

Well, I know firsthand that that's false.

We got a class-action lawsuit
against the YobagoYoya food chain

for negligent food handling
that's making people sick.

It's not the handling,
it's the food itself.

What'd you say?

I said it's the...
Say it! Say it.

It's the food, not the food
handling that's unsanitary.

It's a bunch of horse meat.

North Koreans wouldn't even eat it.

Ah! (chuckles)

What a great defense!

Yeah, if you're gonna pay
$2.99 for three pounds of

horse meat, there's a reasonable expectation
that your colon's gonna implode.

That's good.

What's your name?

Ruxin, sir.

No, it's not.

Well, it's "Rodney," but
everybody calls me Ruxin.

Skippy. You're Skippy.

Whatever you want.

You and I, we're gonna be
working on this one together.

All right!

(laughs) Nice!

I look forward to it.

Should I come by your office, Mr.
Hudabega?

Slow down.

Hey, can I check your
computer real quick?

I just want to mess with my lineup a
little bit, make a few adjustments before

the game starts.

JENNY: Tinker away, Tinkerbell,
straight to Never-Never Win Land.

Will do, Captain Hooker.

(sneezes)

Bless you.

Are you sick?

No.

You sound sick.

I'm not sick.

Well, I just touched your
keyboard which you were just

touching with your sick hands.

I'm not sick.

Why are you sneezing?

I have allergies.

What are you allergic to?

I don't know. Dust?

That makes sense 'cause
you have a filthy house.

PETE: Did the game start yet?

Nope.

God, unbelievable.

Traffic is insane.

There's a traffic light out, and they
have one of those annoying cops directing

traffic with the white gloves.

Oh, I love the gloves.

Who decided it was a good idea to replace
a traffic light with an asshole?

Okay, easy does it.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Anything complicated?

No, I have to pee-pee.

What are you, like, a
four-year-old gay kid?

Okay, this is driving me nuts.

Taco has not set his lineup again.

Surprise!

It's not acceptable, okay?

It's absentee ownership,
and I don't like it.

I think it's great.

It's like we have a little
Furtado wild card in our league.

I'm changing his lineup.

You can't do that.

That's illegal.

He has three kickers;

that is illegal.

Let's see, his team name
password is "Taco."

What do you think his password is?

Uh, let me see that for a second.

Hey! You know what?

Give me, just give me the computer.

No, I don't have to give it back.

Are you covering for him?

No! Relax!

I know you're covering for him.

Just relax.
You're in my house using my computer.

Oh, Taco, this is a mess!

That's not what I'm checking.

Let me see it!

Just let me see it!

Okay, this, okay, looks good.

Let me do what I need to do!

Wow, look at this.

It looks like Taco just set his lineup.

What?

What a coincidence.

You got to be kidding me.

It's all changed.

This is full-on family collusion here.

Just a coincidence.

Oh, look at you, your little
shadow government colluding

together behind closed doors.

Let me tell you guys something.

It will not stand.

You were so busy trying to save
your brothers ass that you

scurried in here without washing your
hands, you filthy filth monster.

No, I didn't wash my
hands if you must know.

I have...
ELLIE: You didn't wash your hands?!

No, Ellie, I didn't wash my hands.

You always tell me to wash my hands.

Ellie, it is important for
you to wash your hands, but

sometimes grownups don't have...
You still didn't wash your hands!

Mom, we should ground him!

We should totally ground him.

Yeah!

Daddy's been a bad boy.

Yeah, Daddy should get spanked.

Maybe you should get a strap-on...
Ah! Da-da-di!

Ellie, go in the other room.

Get some ice cream.

There's ice cream in the other room.

Strap-on?

(sneezes)

You are sick.

Allergies. (coughs)

What is this, Night Court?

Court is now in session.

The Honorable Judge Ruxin presiding.

It's the Chosen People's Court.

Now, citizens of the League,
there is no greater threat

to league integrity than
an uncommitted owner.

Taco's lack of interest is a
black mark upon our league.

He's still starting Kenny Britt
who's been injured for weeks.

And while I have no respect for
individual members of this

league... Ugh!

...I have a tremendous amount of
respect for the League itself.

This is bordering on sincerity.

And as your league champion, I,
Rodney Ruxin, submit that

if Taco does not start a lineup
with active NFL players, not

NHL, CFL, WWE or Panthro from the
Thundercats, that he shall

be kicked out of this league.

What?

I have spoken!
Taco is vital to the league.

He's our heart.

Yeah, and he's good for easy wins.

All right, we got to
put a stop to this.

Shadow government all in.

Yeah, all right.

ALL: One, two, three.

We were never here!

I know you guys are planning
something so don't.

Because I am watching you.

What the...?

(blowing whistle)

Traffic light's out again.

There he is, there's Glovesy.

Who's Glovesy?

The asshole under the traffic light.

I kind of like him.

He's got mad skills.

Check out those gloves.

Yeah, Michael Flatley's got mad skills.

Doesn't mean I want to go
watch him dance, okay?

Have you ever seen him dance?

Andre... I got tickets...
Don't try to get me to see

Michael Flatley again.

Give it a chance.

You-you never...
A field of dandelion greens.

It's a bunch of weeds, Andre.

Au contraire, mon frère.

I got to check this out.

Really?

No foraging.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

(horns honking)

Andre, get in the car.

Oh, now you want me to go.

Well, I have to wait now 'cause
my moron friend is getting

dandelion greens.

Look at this.

Look at these.

(horn honking incessantly)

Andre, come on, please.

Andre, we have to get in the r.

I know. One second, please.

Andre, let's go.

Use your words. Speak.

(Andre laughs)

So sorry. Sorry.

Smell this.

Smells like shit.

You got to clean them, of course.

Yes, I understand.

Oh, now we're going.

Now we're going.

Whatever.

Now we've had a great open house
today, but I know when we

look around the classroom, we
don't see all of our classmates

or all of their parents.

It's cold and flu season.

That's why we've been talking
so much about germs and Germy.

Remember, don't let
Germy stay with you.

Now I hear that someone in here
has a parent who never ever

washes their hands.

Is that all right, children?

No.

Now I know it was Ellie that
told her about what happened

here the other day, with me and
the hands and the washing and

the Ruxin situation.

So now Mrs.
Hobarth thinks that I'm a beast.

I'm an animal.

That I am the living Germy.

Can we focus here?

Trying to win a jingle competition.

Oh, pardon me.

What about this?

♪ Yobagoya, our safety
record is spotless

Serving undiseased meat from a
from a diseased carcass. ♪

Nailed it. That's it.

(sneezes)

Aw.

You look like shit.

I wonder why.

'Cause I'm sick.

I didn't get you sick.

I was fine until I came over
here and now you got me sick.

And you faked it, just like the
Giants faked that injury at that

Monday night football game.

Fine, I'm sick.

You win.

No, you won, 'cause you got me
sick, 'cause you're a filthy

beast, and you live in
this disgusting hovel.

And your daughter's just a
petri dish with pigtails.

Jump in at any time, Kevin.

Huh?

Don't talk about my wife like that.

Oh, and your goddamn
Neanderthal of a husband who

doesn't wash his hands after
he goes to Yobagoya.

Oh, God, you people disgust me.

You're all a bunch of filthy Germys.

Oh, Ruxin, it looks like
you may be getting sick.

Oh, you think so, Sherlock Homeless?

This couldn't be coming
at a worse time for me.

I finally have a case with a big partner, Mr.
Hudabega, and

he's a fastidious guy.

I can't be sick around him.

That's why I got a new suit.

I got a haircut.

And now... (sneezes)

That's actually kind of refreshing.

Hey, Kevin. Andre.

Just calling to make sure that
you will be at my foraging

dinner this Saturday.

Everyone's coming.

Uh, I got to go.

What's this?

Wood sorrel?

By the highway?

Yodel this.

So we got a new case.

It's a mining company that's pumping
toxic sludge into a pristine wilderness.

Or is it the local Amish community?

Hey, Skippy, come here.

Have a seat right here.

No, I can...
You're working with me.

Okay.

(chuckles)

(sneezes)

Bless you?

That wasn't a sneeze, sir.

I hit my nose.

You're sounding hoarse.

I went to a concert last night.

Who'd you see?

Barry Manilow.

You sure you're not sick?

Yeah.

'Cause if you're sick, I don't
want you sitting next to me.

There's no crime in being sick.

People get sick all the time.

The crime is when people
don't admit they're sick.

Yeah, I'm not sick.

What is it?

Allergies.

Allergies?

What kind of allergies do you have?

Bees.

I'm terribly allergic to bees.

My brother's allergic to bees!

That's unbelievable.

Yeah.

You and my brother.

Did you get stung?

No.

No, there's probably just
a bee in here somewhere.

Got him.

Where were we?

We're going to put those
Amish (bleep) in prison.

Ah!

The theme of tonight's meal is a
celebration of urban foraging.

Everything at this table can be
found in this city for free.

The turnips from just
across the highway.

Look at this.

I don't even think it's clean.

Who's going to eat that?

It doesn't need to be washed.

Where's the food.

This is the food.

It's all local, organic and from
the streets in which we live.

Grocery store is local.

Why can't we forage there?

No, that doesn't count.

I'll go forage up a
pepperoni pizza right now.

Cheese in the crust.

I would love it.

Can you just try some of the turnips?

And I'm going to bring you back
something that I found under the

El train that is going
to knock your socks off.

Oh, God.

Ugh.

I'm not eating this crap.

How many cocktails are
you having tonight?

As many as I can get down my gullet.

I can't believe I waited an
hour in traffic to eat snails.

Why were you in traffic
for a whole hour?

It's goddamn Glovesy okay?

He's out there directing traffic.

He's making it worse.

May I present to you... Shit burgers?

Hen-of-the-wood mushrooms
over a bed of arugula.

They need no sort of seasoning
because they have their own kind

of pungent aroma.

♪ Yobagoya, the taste will destroy
ya The cheapest bucket of beef

in Illinoi-a. ♪

Yobagoya!

No!

Guess who won the jingle contest?

You did!

Free Yobagoya for life.

Dig in, fellas.

All right, let me in here.

We're having an urban foraging dinner.

Delicious.

This was all local and it was all free.

Beautiful.

It's not the same thing.

Oh, God, here comes college Kevin.

Mao it, baby.

You know what, you have a
category five Yobagoya storm

hitting mainland in about ten hours.

So I hope your colon's ready.

Yobagoya!

Free colonic.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So this is where the shadow
government meets, huh?

You were not invited
because you're sick.

Yeah, but I'm here to make
sure that Taco sets his own

lineup, and none of you
guys do it for him.

I already set my lineup.

No, you just changed your profile
picture to a horse having sex.

Correction-- that was a pony
having sex with a human.

Who's human? Andre?

Fives.

Come on, five?

No, no, why would I high-five that?

You don't have to do that, Taco.

No, it's okay.

I think I can set my lines up.

Look, it needs to be accurate or
you, my friend, are getting fad.

All right, you new password is in...
Hey.

You changed his password.

Yeah, so that none of you bozos
could do any funny business.

Miss Wanna Be... Okay.

Where are the bye weeks?

Ah!

You don't say a word, nothing
about any bye weeks.

No helping him.

If he plays anyone who
is not a bye, he is out.

I know how it works.

Take the bye players out,
put in straight ones.

Ah.

Bi-players?

Right.

What, is, uh, is Andre in
the league all of a sudden?

Come on, fives, man.

No.

I'm not high-fiving that.

Give me fives, bro.

Okay.

So I'll just set my lineup.

Mm-hmm.

Just... Uh, oh, I think I
did something wrong, here.

What are you... Why are you in History?

I don't know.

I don't know how to get out of here.

It's okay, you'll get there.

Uh... oh.

What's this?

Forag-acation.

Whoa!

Wow.

21st century stage.

This is not...
I don't know how that got here.

I-I swear, it just came up.

I was Googling, and it just...
I didn't know.

Is that why we're in the "Members" ea?

What, uh, was Sierra Chap blocked?

(laughs)

Fives.

Oh, come on, man.

Too far.

Here we go.

Let's do this.

You know what you're doing.

Come on.

Okay.

The top part is empty.

So I need to put a kicker there.

No.

I do not need to put a kicker there,
I need to put a quarterback in.

Yeah.

That would be... So...
I will just put in... G. Jennings.

(others gasp)

No, I won't put Jennings in,
'cause I'll go lower, and I

think that I will maybe put Br...
Cam... Cam?

Came Newtown?

Cam Newton, in.

There we go.

And next...
What are you doing back there, man?

Oh, I... the Yobagoya stinks,
man, I can't sit by that.

All right, I also need a RB.

Runner.

Run... running back.

Okay.

Oh, I'll just put Charles.

R. Charles... I...
You don't want to... Why?

Shut it.

Because his knee... I'll just go up, to this...
blow j... B. J...

Brandon Jacobs.

Oh!

I'll do that.

And put him in.

There we go.

Submit.

Oh ho ho ho!

Oh, man, that was easy.

I'm gonna do this more often.

(whistle blows)

Geez.

All right, Glovesy.

Looking good, buddy.

(whistle blows sharply)

Do your little dance.

You're right, let me through.

You're gonna, you're
just gonna stop me?

All right, come on,
Glovesy, give me my turn.

Hey, it's my turn, Glovesy!

(honks horn)

Hey, come on!

Hey!

(honks horn)

Oh, you want to make this personal?

Oh, okay.

All right.

I see how we're going to do this.

Hey.

You're not giving equal
attention to all t lanes.

Sir, get back in your car.

(car hns honking)

Oh, it speaks!

Look at this!

Yes, it speaks.

I'll tell you what.

Glovesy.

Glovesy?

Glovesy, yeah.

You just called me Glovesy?

That's your name.

No, it's not my name.

We all call you Glovesy.

Everybody.

My name's Horace.

Hey, Horace... you're not special just
'cause you got some garden gloves and a

little coach whistle, okay?

These are traffic gloves... Oh.

This is a traffic whistle.

Take the gloves off, sir.

These are traffic gloves, too!

I can direct a little
bit of traffic, too.

Let's direct some this way.

No, no-no-no-no.

Sir, get back in your car.

I think we can just take
these gloves, and I'll just

direct it right... right up in there!

No!

No, it's going to go out of there.

No, it's going in there.

It's out of there.

I'll put it in your mouth.

It's out of my mouth.

I'll put it right here, too.

No. I stand here.

No, I stand here.

No, I stand here!

No, I stand here!

I stand here!

I stand here!

No! Take them off!

Take them off!

Shove me out!

Take them off! Take them off!

(crashing)

(laughing)

Wow, brother.

See, that looks bad.

(horn honking)

Tell you what.

You hold on to these.

My hands are clean.

Good luck with this, by the way.

Have fun.

Come back here.

Come back here!

You are really, really,
really impressing me.

That defense that you came up
with for the Yamag... Yabagoyas.

Yabagoya?

Yeah.

It was just genius!

The way I'm looking at it, if you
can't afford a porterhouse,

then you deserve hepatitis!

(laughing)

And at first, I saw you, you
reminded me of the son that I

never had if I, if I
impregnated a waitress.

You know what you are now?

You know what you are to me?

You're the son that I would have
if I stuffed it in my media coach.

Where's my ball?

Oh, here we go.

Oh!

(coughs)

Look!

This isn't my ball!

Why'd you stop?

I don't know what the
right answer is, sir.

Come on!

Doesn't make sense.

I know.

Are you a betting man?

Yeah.

Payton Hillis. Cleveland?

Out sick.

That's bad, right?

Well, yeah.

The good thing is, he called in sick.

He's not gonna get the other
employees sick, now is he?

I would never do that either, sir.

Of course not.

Why would you do that?

Right.

(sniffs)

You know what?

Only assholes would come to work
and get other pe sople sick.

Copy that.

I'll be right out there, Mr.

Hudabega.

(coughs)

Okay.

I just gotta get Peyton
Hillis out of my lineup.

(groans)

Why isn't there Internet
in this goddamn golf cart?

Call Kevin.

(phone ringing)

This is unbelievable.

It's not moving.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Hey, Kevin, it's Ruxin.

I gotta be fast, 'cause
my phone's about to die.

Oh, hi, Ruxin.

How are you?

I'm fine.

Can you please take Peyton
Hillis out of my lineup, please?

Yeah, I-I don't think I can do
it, I'm stuck in traffic and

I can't pull over to
the side right now.

Plus, that would be the same as us helping
Taco, and we would never want to be

accused of starting a
shadow government here.

Kevin... Kevin?

(voice breaking up)

Hello?

Okay.

(sniffs)

Ha ha, ha ha!

I gotcha.

(sneezes loudly)

You're sick!

Uh-uh.

You lied!

No.

Robbie.

What?

You lied to me!

It's Ruxin.

You lied to me!

You're sick!

I'm not sick.

Why'd you lie?

No, no!

Come on, cover your mouth.

Cover your mouth.

What are you, an animal?

I got, I got stung by a bee.

I'm allergic to bees.

Oh. I got an EpiPen.

I don't need an EpiPen.

No.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

(screams)

Yeah?

No!

No gno good.

Okay.

Oh, I got another one.

I got another one right here.

Here.

This one, in the throat.

No-no-no!

I'm sick, I'm not allergic
to bees, I'm sick!

You lied to me?

(sneezes)

No!

Is that my phone?

You shit-zipper!

There's nothing moving.

I just see taillights.

This is where we live now.

Yobagoya, Yobagoya, Y-Y-Y-Y-Yobagoya!

Oh, my God, come on!

Come on.

(stomach gurgles)

Ooh, Yobagoya.

You okay?

You're a little sweaty.

Yeah, well... I got a pain.

Oh, God, I'm living my worst nightmare.

I'm going to go Yobagoya in my car.

No, you're not!

Daddy, hold it!

I can do this. (inhales)

(exhales)

(gong sounds)

♪ Yobagoya, Yobagoya,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yobagoya, Yobagoya,

♪ The taste will destroy ya, The
cheapest bucket of beef in Illinoi-a,

♪ Yobagoya, Yobagoya, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yobagoya...
Yobagoya makes you jump for joya

♪ What kind of meat is it?

It's a mystery for ya Legally we're
not allowed ♪ to call it meat

So bring the whole family For
a tasty brown treat... ♪

(horns honking)

I can't!

Daddy?

Yobagoya!

Kevin!

Yobagoya!

Kevin, don't!

Yobagoya, Yobagoya... Dad, hold it!

Kevin, no.

Oh, oh, oh!

Mr. McArthur?

Yobagoya!

Hold it!

What are you doing?

Yobagoya... Yoba... Hold it! No!

No.

What are you doing?

Oh, no. No.

(yells)

What is wrong with you?

No... Oh, God... You're just an animal.

I am not an animal.

No, an animal has dignity.

I have dig... Oh... Yobagoya.