The League (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 5 - Bobbum Man - full transcript

I cannot set
a good lineup.

My bench keeps
out-performing my starters.

My bench is this magical mystery
realm, where ordinary players

play like superstars.

Like if Kevin were on my bench,
he'd be a six-five billionaire

who could sexually
please his wife.

Hey!

I'm thrilled.

I'm playing you this week, and
I am going to clobber you.

Yeah, I believe you will.

I have no feel for my team,
and it's stressing me out.



Oh, God.

Andre, really?

What are the
things proposed?

What the...
Good pizza, good friends, good time.

Yeah.

Plus, I already got
five comments.

Someone goes, "That's
a spicy pizza."

Seriously, could
you please stop it?

All of you, you guys
are so annoying.

All these online social
interactions, 24 hours a day,

seven days a week, and, Jenny,
can you please stop posting

pictures of your stupid
kid all the time?

That stupid kid is your niece.

Yeah.
I don't care if it's my dick.



I don't need to see a thousand pictures
of it pretending to ride a dog.

You know what, I'm tweeting
everything you're saying, and

people are really behind you.

I'm going to tweet
your face, Andre.

Oh!

Guys, Taco's got a point, okay?

I mean, the whole, like,
Tweeter, Facebook thing, it's

getting a little out of hand.

Well, I've come up
with an alternative.

I've created the first-ever
offline social network.

I think this has been
happening for a while, Taco.

It's called "society."

It's better than society.

It's "MyFace."

MyFace?

I'll give you an example.

That's my profile pic.

Watch. I'll post a comment.

"I didn't bring any money
to pay for my meal today."

For real?

Yeah.

Can I borrow ten bucks?

Oh... You are going
to thank me for this.

I need to relax.

I need to figure something out.

I had no mojo.

This place will fix your mind,
your heart and your body.

I don't know what's healing about
stewing in a bunch of communist B.O.

Wear your grippies.

What?

Your grippies, you know.

Gorilla-Grips.

They have tensile strength
of an actual gorilla.

Look, I'm not planning on giving four
people hand and foot jobs today.

Okay, guys, welcome to
Harmony Yoga Studio.

New student.

Oh, new student!

Great.

If anyone here is pregnant or menstruating,
uh, please avoid inversions.

Okay, he's both pregnant
and and menstruating.

I'm not on my moon cycle.

There's no judgments here.

Thank you.

All right, we're going to
start in seated position.

Come on, sit Indian style.

Indian style's for kids at
summer camp who got diddled by

their Croatian windsurfing
instructor named Goran.

That's disgusting.

All right, we're gonna
start three sets of om.

Inhale through your nose...

and om...

Om...

And let's do this last
one with a smile.

Om... Vincent Jackson...

Oh, Rob Gronkowski!

How did you know to play him?

Optimum lineup choosing.

It's all due to yoga.

And I look forward to using your
bullshit, unicorn, rainbow

calisthenics to crush you.

Okay, next week, I will
have lineup Nirvana.

Watch, all right?

Absolutely not.

Can you do me a favor and stop sending
me these text messages, please?

It's weirding me out.

Oh!

It's not me; it's him.

Looks like ye
bobbum man is back.

What?!

What are you guys talking
about right now?

It's... okay... There's this thing we
did in college; it's basically like

phone chicken.

We would try to horrify each other
into hanging up first, and

we all develop our own
little characters.

And his happened to be extremely
creepy and weird and

made me very uncomfortable.

Bobbum man.

Ye bobbum man.

Ye bobbum man:
He creepied up in the bobbum van,

filled with equipmonk for great
grief to making at you underneath.

Kevin, you had one
of the weirdest.

What was it?

It was mundane ejaculation
man; it was stupid.

I want to hear it.

Dude, show him.

Okay. Andre, what did you
have for lunch today?

I had a cheeseburger.

Oh, God, I'm gonna come.

I'm so close to coming, Andre!

And he would just go on
with it until you hung up.

Well, no one went on as
long as the crawdad man.

True.

Is that your guy?

Oh, the crawdad man!

Every day is a hard day
down by the river.

I got to go get my buckets and fill
them buckets up with them crawdads.

I got to keep them separated.

If you don't keep them separated,
they're gonna eat themselves.

They're gonna eat themselves!

What is a crawdad?

It's like an evil trip.

Yours was good, too.

I mean, Korean Dick Vitale.

You kidding me?

Oh, that's a diaper dandy!

Awesome, baby!

Honestly, bobbum man
was the creepiest.

He was like this sad, middle-
aged, virile man driving around

in a van with his equipmonk.

Equipmonk?

That was-- ugh!

And the equipmonk was specifically
designed to just tear Kevin apart, and

specifically it's bobbum man...
Look, bobbum was a long

time ago, so let's just drop
the bobbum thing, okay?

Maybe the bobbum girl going to
come and rock your bobbum world.

Crawdaddy man, could you
please help me out?

Oh, did someone call
for crawdaddy man?

What do you need?

Why are you masturbating
as crawdad man?

Well, I was in the middle of
picking up my cr-- I'm in

waders, and I'm picking
my crawdads up.

All right, Andre, you win.

You are the creepiest.

Oh, thank you very much, ma'am.

Big, big day coming up.

Ellie's gymnastics...
No.

What?

Wow.

Really? Our sex-iversary?

Right.

- Doesn't it ring a bell?
- It's certainly coming up.

We should definitely
celebrate that this year.

We haven't celebrated
that in years.

- Yeah.
- When do you want to do it?

Wow!

You don't remember the date of the
first time we had sex, do you?

I don't... remember... the actual date,
but I totally remember having sex...

What do you remember?

Tell me about
what you remember.

We went to Zanies, and
we saw Paula Poundstone.

We got totally wasted.

Yeah.

And you took me home in your
Tracer and you rocked my world.

I did rock your world.

It was so good.

Yes, and it was good, but not
good enough to remember the actual date.

Just tell me when it is.

No. No, no, no, no.

We'll celebrate.

No.

Is it tonight?

No, it is not tonight.

And trust me, even if it were tonight,
we would not be celebrating.

Really?

Kevin.

Taco, it's the
middle of the night.

You've got mail.

You've received a
message from Taco.

No, I don't.

Oh, come on.

"You have been invited to join
"MyFace, an offline social network.

If you accept, tell Taco!!!"

Taco, I don't want you breaking into my
house at 4:00 in the morning anymore.

Yeah, that's what all
the other guys said.

You guys should form a MyFace
group-- "People who don't like

getting their houses
broken into at 4:00 a.m."

Fine, I accept, Taco.

Please, go.

Great.

Welcome to MyFace.

It is now time to
choose a profile face.

Are you content with the face
you are currently displaying?

You sure you want
to pick that face?

Try another one.

Better.

Great.

That's perfect.

Do you accept?

Taco, please leave my home.

I will take that as a yes.

Hey, you have a message.

Equipmonk sharp.

Equipmonk dirty.

Equipmonk make Kevin
bobbum hurty.

Bobbum...

I will now join the MyFace group "People
who eat food out of Kevin's fridge."

She forgot your sexiversary?

Yep.

She doesn't remember the first
time you put your little

fingerling potato inside of her?

Wow.

No idea when your tired little boy
slumped in to her beanbag chair?

Can we just talk about how
sad this is that you're

celebrating your sex-versary?

Do you also celebrate the first time that
she went down on you for oralversary?

Or maybe the first time you
guys did anal for analversary.

My God.

Well, to celebrate the
anniversary, I think the actual

event must have occurred first.

Hello, gentlemen.

So nice to meet you
offline like this.

Out of the way.

Oh.

And say hello to the newest additionth
to the World Wide World, my MyFace wall.

Wait, what the hell is this?

Yeah, huh?

You post pictures.

Here are my status updates.

And here, if you want to send me a
personal message, click right here.

Wow, Sofia's on MyFace?

Oh, yeah, she loves MyFace.

She's all over it.

What's this chain thing here?

That is a link.

That's a pic of Kevin, and the link
brings you to Jenny and their mistake.

Oh... my God.

Oh, bobbum man is on MyFace.

What?

"When up in there is all destroy,
this is ye butt, bobbum boy."

It's not funny.

Oh, how'd you get that picture
of me in Godspell?

That was on my vanity.

That's my personal property.

Okay, hold on.

Couple of questions real quick.

First of all, why was
that on your vanity?

Secondly, why do you
have a vanity at all?

And thirdly, if you must have a
vanity, why do you have to call

it a vanity?

Why do you have pictures of
Rafi on the MyFace wall?

Because he's my MyFace friend.

Excuse me!

Hey!

Speak of the lunatic.

Rafi is here!

See, status update.

Boom, MyFace friend.

I'm gonna poke you.

Ah, I'm gonna stab you.

Offline.

With a real knife.

Please don't.

What?

Taco, I need your help.

You need me to raise Ellie.

Okay, she can stay here.

I of course will be
staying at your place.

I don't need you to raise Ellie.

Ellie is fine.

Mm.

I forgot our sex-iversary!

I forgot Kevin's and
my sex-iversary.

Wow.

Well, that's normal.

When you have sex as much as we do,
you can't be expected to pin

down any one occasion.

I have this vague recollection
that you busted us that night.

Yes.

And that you might
have taken picture.

Did you take a picture?

I just posted a bunch of old
pictures of Kevin on my Face wall.

Great!

Was it one of the pictures?

I don't know.

Uh, if you're gonna view my wall,
you're gonna have to sign into MyFace.

Okay.

Password?

I don't have a password, Taco!

We're gonna have to
retrieve your password.

Security question number one:

What color panties are
you wearing right now?

What?

No-No.

Okay.

Dildos or vibrators?

I-I'm not answering
that question.

Top ten lesbian experiences.

I'm not going there
with you, Taco!

Stop!

Fine.

I'm gonna need you to retype
the letters in this box.

There are no letters in that box;
it's a spider with penises

for legs.

Now I believe it's you.

Welcome to MyFace.

You may now view my wall.

Thank you.

Wow.

Yeah.

Been really busy.

Oh, my God, look
at Ruxin's fro.

Oh!

I would recognize
that bra anywhere.

Look at that-- oh,
and there we go.

November 2, 2001.

Thank you so much
for this, Taco.

Don't thank me, thank MyFace.

Thank you, face.

You have a message from Taco.

Happy sex-iversary.

Thank you very much.

Let him put it wherever.

Okay, great, let's get on all fours
for our final position-- cat and cow.

If we can inhale and
arch our backs up.

And exhale, curve the spine.

I'm getting no lineup
nirvana right now.

I'm trying to get lineup
nirvana by staring at this

girl's sex boobs, but I'm
not getting a thing.

All right, guys, let's
move to a seated position.

're gonna end our class
with three ohms.

No personal mantras.

Just "ohm."

♪ Ohm... ♪

Okay, I really don't appreciate
your sarcastic "ohm."

That wasn't a sarcastic "ohm."

Yes, it was a sarcastic "ohm," and it's disres...
Mmm... No it wasn't.

Okay, I think both of you
need to leave right now.

What?

He should be able to stay,
because Andre loves yoga.

Okay, I can't take your
stupid sarcasm right now.

But you're being disrespectful.

I want you to take your mat,
your stupid driving gloves and

your idiot friend and get
the hell out of my class!

They're not driving
gloves, they're Grippies.

They have the tensile
strength of a gorilla.

Sidney Rice.

We could've done great
things together.

If you had someone throwing you the
ball consistently every week...

Hello?

Yeah-- hello?

What is this?

Taco?

Hello?

"Fe, fi, fo, fum, the end
are near at thou bobbum.

Tie me open bobbum van trunk for
ruin bobbum with equipmonk."

Who's ruining my equipmonk?

Nobody's gonna ruin my
bobbum with equipmonk.

Stupid Taco.

Hey.

Hey.

Wow.

Guess who figured it out.

I think you did.

Happy sex-iversary.

I love your face.

And your chest.

And I want to put it in your bobbum.
Uh, whoa.

What?

Huh?

What did you just say?

Nothing.

You said "bobbum."

Babe, I was talking
about your equipmonk.

My equipmonk?

Uh, I'm sorry.

It's going through my brain.

You don't understand, it was...
Not tonight it's not.

Sex-iversary... Bobbum free.

Let's throttle back up.

Where were we?

I don't know.

I don't know if you can
handle couch sex. Huh?

Oh, I can handle it.

Bobbum!

Right there!

Are you kidding me right now?

Yes! He had sunglasses and...
He's not real!

No, he's real, Jenny!

He put a note on the door.

A note?

Yes, it said, "Fee-fi-fo-fum, I'm
gonna mess with your equipmonk."

He is a figment of your imagination
that your friends made up.

No, he's real, and he's scary,
and he's going to hurt.

You know what?

Have a great sex-iversary
with the bobbum man.

I'm out.

What?

No!

Aw, now I got to play
with my own equipmonk.

You wrecked the
entire thing for me.

I am now banned from
yoga because of you.

I tried to call up and
apologize to her, right?

She told me, "Oh, go do an
inversion on your moon cycle."

What's that?

It's when a woman stands on
her head during her period.

Oh, right.

Now what am I going to do?

How am I going to reach
light-up nirvana?

Ban or no ban, I'm
going back in.

Look, it's not my fault.

I tried to tell her how
much you loved yoga.

That's exactly it-- you
were being sarcastic.

I'm not being sarcastic.

I'm sorry.

That, Ruxin, is sarcasm.

I don't think that's sarcasm.

It was.

Asshole!

Yeah, you.

Don't give me the babe
in the woods routine.

You ruined my
sex-iversary with Jenny.

You were standing outside
dressed as bobbum man lurking

through my window with
your lurkily eyes.

I was not there.

Kevin, that was not me.

You had sunglasses on, the
hood, creepily staring in.

No, he was with me last night.

We saw the Kesha concert.

It was awesome.

She played "Tik Tok" twice.

He's kidding-- I did not
go to the Kesha concert.

I was being bobbum man.

I was outside your window.

No, no, no, no, it wasn't you.

You were at the Kesha concert.

Andre posted the VIP
bracelets on my MyFace wall.

Look, I... I think I'm responsible
for the whole bobbum man thing.

So you did it?

You're the asshole?

No, I created an off-line avatar
for the character of bobbum man.

An off-line avatar?

That would be a
real person, then.

Yeah, yeah, so I asked Raffi to play the
character, and he really got into it.

Raffi?

Yeah, so it was probably him
standing outside your window

while you were having
boring sex with Jenny.

Let me give you a
little bit of advice.

When casting a sexual psychopath
with a van, you don't actually

have to cast a sexual
psychopath with a van.

But it's so much easier.

He already knows how to do it.

This may be partially
my fault, too.

Ooh, ooh!

Raffi bomb.

Raffi, what are you doing here?

So Taco wants me to play the off-line
avatar of this sex offender guy.

Sounds like typecasting, Raffi.

What's that mean?

Pigeonholing.

No, I told him specifically, I'm
not doing any pigeonholing, okay?

I'm not going to find a coup.

I'm not going to
scoop the coup.

I'm not going to
blast any pigeons.

I don't do that anymore.

I think we have very different
definitions of what pigeonholing is.

I doubt it.

What are you doing here, Raffi?

I want to know if this
is a good idea or not.

Yeah, I think it's a great idea.

All right, good, then
I'll do it-- thank you.

I think you and Taco working
together, nothing could go wrong.

Well, actually, I think a lot
could go wrong, but if you think

it's a good idea, then
I'm going to do it.

Two thumbs up, Raffi.

All right, awesome.

High five.

You should wash that hand.

I'm taking this eagle.

Later.

I didn't know Raffi was taking about
bobbum man, and regardless, he took it the

wrong way.

Oh, you know why?

Because no one ever knows what you're
saying-- whether it's real or sarcastic.

You don't know your
sarcastic strength.

Look, it's not my fault that
if someone doesn't understand

irony that someone else ends up
getting non-ironically buggered.

Well, it's not going
to happen to me, okay?

We're all going to get in the
car now, and we're going to go

to Raffi's place and explain
to him that it was a joke.

Wait, Raffi has a place?

Yeah, he calls it
the Equipmonk Shed.

Don't say equipmonk.

It gives me gweat gwief.

In your underneath?

Easy, "Tik Tok."

This is Raffi's place?

Where'd all these
chairs come from?

First time I see that.

He's not going to get
his deposit back.

This is where he wanted to
throw Baby Jeffrey's birthday.

Okay, what is that?

That's his toilet/kitchen.

Both?

Wow, that's efficient.

So where is Raffi now?

I don't know.

He left that shit-stained
mattress and that thing there.

Oh, he left his MyFace wall.

That is a lot of bobbums.

There's a lot of
knives on here, too.

Oh, great.

This is unbelievable.

How come my bobbum's
not on there?

What about these jeans with the angel
wings and the knife going through it?

Yeah, I think it is.

Okay, phew.

This is out of control, Ruxin.

We have to get Raffi to cease and desist
with this bobbum man MyFace crap.

I paged him.

I have not heard anything back.

Don't worry about it, guys.

I know how to get
in touch with him.

Ta-da.

"Raffi, please stop
being bobbum man.

Love, Taco.

P.S. Racquetball on Sunday?"

You're going to play racquetball
with Raffi on Sunday?

Well, not if I can't find him.

I mean, this is a
horrific situation.

Truly, in the world, the last
person I would ever want to be

sodomized by would be Raffi.

Truly, if I could pick.

Oh, and by the way, when you get
sodomized by a vagrant, not only

are you sodomized by that
vagrant, but you're also being

sodomized by everyone else
that vagrant has sodomized.

Raffi's put this whole Bobbum
Man thing in the gutter.

You know, as I envisioned Bobbum
Man, it was much more of a

general annihilation,
not just about the ass.

I mean, it includes that, but...
Oh, I'm so sorry your vision's been ruined,

Shakespeare.

Hey, sue me if I have a little,
uh, artistic integrity, okay?

Just... how would you feel if we
took Mundane Ejaculation Man and

just...
well, we just tossed him aside?

Well, I wouldn't care, because I don't...
Um, there's some... Is that...

That's... that's bobbum man.

You know what, Ruxin?

Thought you could
kick me out of yoga?

Guess what-- I'm sneaking back
in, and I got a disguise.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to reach fancy light-up nirvana,
and I'm going to beat your bobbum.

That's right.

I'm going to beat your bobbum like my
team is made out of equipmonk, okay?

Go.

Shit.

Aah!

bobbum man, bobbum man.

Whoa, whoa!

bobbum man, bobbum man!

I'm going to beat that bobbum.

I'm going to come in the back.

Oh!

And I'm going to
beat that bobbum.

He's got a bag of equipmonk.

I don't want to
go out like this.

It's not the way I'm
supposed to die.

Hey, we're not going
out like this.

We can take him.

Come on, it's two against one.

Okay, you go, and
I'll tell your story.

No!

You're so brave.

You hear me?

Here we go.

One, two, three.

Die, Bobbum!

How do you like your
equipmonk now, huh?

Who are we kicking?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Raffi!

Stop, stop, stop.

What?

That's not bobbum man.

Oh, no.

Hey, what's up?

We're gonna get the crawfish...
That's the crawdad man!

What?

It's Andre.

Relax.
Hey, stop, I'm me.

Am I in Nirvana?

Oh, boy.

Okay, this is not good.
Okay, this is how it's gonna go down.

We're gonna need to get a rug,

a bonesaw and condoms.
What? He's not dead.

Fine, then we don't need the condoms.
The other stuff we're gonna need.

We're gonna kill him,

get rid of the body,

and then we're leaving the state tonight.

This is how it ends, Ryan, get used to it.

We're gonna have to change our names.

I'm gonna be Apollo,

you should be Scott,
you should be Kevin.

Okay, let's start calling ourselves
those names now.