The League (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Funeral - full transcript

Hey.

Shh.

Come on, don't fight it.

Don't fight it.

Come on.

What's happening?

You had a stroke, okay?

So it's time to die.

Great news-- your dick still works.

What?

I harvested a bunch of your sperm,
so you're going to live forever.



How?

How? I jerked you off like a dog.

You're the Angel of Death.

No, I'm the angel of murder.

I don't want to die... Oh, my God.

Hey, man, stop hitting me!

I'm trying to kill you!

What was that, that I felt?

It was a murder boner.

What do you think it is?

Sir, visiting is ten
minutes on the hour.

He's trying to kill me.

This guy's hilarious.

You'll have to go to the lounge.



Okay. Wait-- Just so I'm clear, this
isn't going to turn into some, like,

crazy three-way action?

Lobby.

All right.

He's my El Cuñado.

He's the Devil.

All right, time to die.

What, you're still here?

Sir.

Oh, God.

It's good news and bad news.

He definitely had a stroke.

Really.

He has limited mobility in his limbs.

And it looks good, but he's
not out of the woods yet.

Did you get a chance to see him?

No.

ICU's for family only, so I just wanted...
Yeah, but you're a doctor.

- Just... I mean, I could...
- Just go back there.

We need to know.

I don't need to go back
there, flaunt my doctoring.

Andre, they won't let
you go back there, will they?

'Cause you're not a real doctor.

I'm respecting the family's
privacy right now.

Guys, there are issues
we all need to discuss.

Ruxin has affairs that
need to be tended to.

You know, he's in the ICU.

He's also in the Sacko this week.

What are we going to do about his team?

You know, I was closest
with Ruxin, I think.

And so I feel like I could
manage his team for the week.

I'd be impartial... No way.

No, no.

Not a chance.

My opinion is the only fair way
to do it is "team by committee."

You know what, he's been through a lot.

We should just give him the Shiva.

You shut your goddamn mouth!

You pulled that out of your ass, Taco.

It was a mild stroke.

Mild, okay?

If he had cancer, we'd talk about it.

I don't know, guys.

Having a near death experience has
changed the way I see things.

Ruxin had the stroke, not you, Taco.

I was right next to him.

I was near death.

Oh, God.

And it's made me realize
what's important in life.

What is that?

It's not in this room, that's for sure.

It's out there somewhere.

Hey, Raffi.

How's he doing?

Brian, I'm not going to lie
to you-- it's not good.

He wouldn't even let me kill him.

Ruxin had his company do his will,
and I found something for you guys.

He left a will for his fantasy team.

And I hope that you will
abide by his wishes.

There we go.

Hello, I'm Rodney Ruxin.

Everyone calls me Ruxin.

And this is my last will and testament.

First of all, congratulations
for knowing me.

You really knocked it out
of the park, friend-wise.

But now I have moved on-- left
this world for a better place.

Is it hot there?

Shh.

My prize golf clubs I leave to Pete.

No, Kevin... Wha... Andre... Me?

No... Pete... No, Kev...
You know what, no, throw 'em away.

What?

Nope, sell them on Craig's List.

No, you know what, throw them away.

It's classic.

He even tinkers with his will.

Craig's List.

Craig's List.

A few things to clear up.

Pete, your Paul's
Boutique vinyl-- I took it.

What?!

I listened to it, I scratched
it, I threw it away and blamed

it on the lacrosse team.

Son of a bitch.

Sorry.

To Jenny-- honestly, I don't get it.

I don't see what Kevin sees in you.

I don't get you guys; never did.

100% agree.

Yeah.

Now, if I die or am incapacitated
during the regular

season, I bequeath my team to... Andre.

What?

He picked me.

Out of all of you, he picked me.

This is great. I mean...
Andre, the shit just got really real.

Okay.

And you better not

this up.

No pressure, buddy.

This has been my last
will and testament.

I mean, whatever, I'm dead now.

So I just want to wish you one last
hearty and heartfelt-- Suck it!

You must miss him so much.

You ready for this weekend, huh?

I'm very ready.

I'm taking you down, buddy.

Shiva Bowl! Come on!

Oh, man, it's going to be fun.

If you win, I'm going
to be so happy for you.

No, Taco, no.

You're supposed to talk shit to me.

I'm not going to talk shit to you.

You're my brother.

You've never won the Shiva.

I've won the Shiva.

Come on, man, you're taking all
the fun out of this for me.

This is important to me.

I know.

I have so many other good
things going on in my life.

This is all you have.

This is just pathetic.

This is the worst Shiva Bowl ever.

Kevin versus Taco.

Just nothing there.

This is no fun.

Oh, hello.

Vodka martini.

Splash of Tabasco.

What are you shit
sippers talking about?

What is this?

Are you trying to be Ruxin?

What are you doing?

Maybe you guys can talk about
it when you're having sex with

each other in the private
hotel room that I bought you.

Why do you think he would
buy us a hotel room?

Isn't that something
that Ruxin would do?

Like, buy a hotel room?

To watch us have sex?

You would pay to see
two guys having sex?

I don't know.

This is hard to do as Ruxin.

Andre, look, the Sacko Bowl doesn't need
any extra lore this year, all right?

Look what we've got going on.

In one corner, the Sacko del
Toro commissioner who could

possibly bring home the Sacko.

And in the other corner, who
could go from first to worst,

courtesy of this frittata traffic hump.

Hey, which one of you dumb
dildoes is running Ruxin's team?

That would be Andre.

Okay, I've got a bone to pick with you.

I'm next of kin.

I'm family.

Okay, okay, we need to go.

Hey, I'll talk to you later, tall guy.

No reason to yell.

There's a will.

And he bequeathed his team to me.

That's what it said?

Yeah.

Change of plans-- we're
running the team together.

We're not running the team together.

We're running the team together.

Uh-oh.

Got to go, guys.

Happy holidays.

Later, guys. Good to see you.

Put down the knife for a second?

No. You know what, here.

Oh, all right.

Great. Push the button.

Boom.

No.

Now we're having a conversation.

What do I need a knife to run a team?

To settle lineup disputes.

We do that with our words.

No. Words are bullshit.

They're just useless sounds that
we make with our stupid mouths.

Okay... This is how stuff gets done.

Here you go.

Take back your knife.

Huge mistake.

Now I have four deadly
weapons on my body.

Four?

Yeah. Two knives, my dick and this.

You're not allowed to carry a gun.

I am allowed to carry a gun if I
don't tell anybody I have it.

It's called a concealed weapon.

Merry Christmas.

Oh my God, thank you so much.

Merry Christmas to you.

Later, Andre.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

You're still not allowed...
That's all right, he's with me.

That's that sexy nurse I
was telling you about.

How's he doing?

Well, he had a rough night, but he's
been mildly sedated, so he's resting.

Uh-oh. Chemistry.

Bing-bang-boom.

Um, It's up to me to set his lineup.

I'm managing his team.

We're co-managing the team, really.

We're not co-managing.

You know nothing about
fantasy football.

Sure I do.

I just don't understand why you won't let
me draft the players I want to play.

It's fantasy football.

So the Hulk should be
able to be on the team.

Now, look, Ruxin, do you want me
to put Ryan Torain in your lineup?

Blink once if that's a yes.

Was that a blink?

Hope that's a blink.

If you screw up my team, I'll cut your
penis into thin slices of salami.

He says he loves me.

No, he didn't.

He said he's going to cut your
penis into small slices of salami.

We both heard that, right?

You heard that?

He didn't say that.

This has been a good visit.

It has been.

Ooh, a little shoulder
touch there, huh?

Normally, I'd be all over
you like crazy times.

You know what I like about you?

You're making me work for it.

Taco got us a Christmas present.

I cannot do homemade deodorant any...
No, no, no, this one we can actually use.

Really?

Yeah, check that out.

Oh!

Yeah!

A VHS.

A VHS or DVD, I'm not...
still not sure.

I still don't remember.

It's a big-ass joint.

Well... Right now?

Let's fire it up.

It's the holidays, baby. Yeah!

Oh, man.

Oh, man, is right.

Merry Christmas.

Happy Kwanzaa.

Love this.

Look at... this...
You're feeling very fertile.

Are you trying to
"hye-na-tize" me right now?

What? No.

We have a bet, babe. I'm just...
What if I lose?

There are no shortcuts in fatherhood.

There are no shortcuts to the Shiva.

Just win, baby.

Ew. Feels like I'm kissing Al Davis.

No.

But you're still extremely fertile.

I'm super fertile.

And you love to be mounted and humped.

I do.

What?

I'm so tired.

May I help you?

I'm here to see my husband.

And he is?

Rodney Ruxin.

I'm Sofia Ruxin.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

I met Mrs. Sofia Ruxin earlier today.

No, that's not possible.

Tell me about the woman that you saw.

Brown hair... Low-cut top?

Yes.

Bit of a label whore?

Yes.

Painted-on jeans?

Oh, definitely.

Inappropriately high heels for daytime?

I'd say so.

That Puerto Rican slut is
my husband's mistress.

No.

You let my husband's mistress in
to see him before I got in there!

I am so sorry.

You should be.

I'm going to buzz you in right now.

Gracias.

Hey.

Hey, how you doing?

What happened?

The last thing I remember, I'd
won the Shiva again this year.

No, you didn't win the Shiva this year.

What pick did I get in the draft again?

Fifth.

Liar.

There you are.

I've been here the whole time.

Why are you dressed like a whore?

I had to dress like your
wife to get in here.

Fives.

Look, I don't know if
Kevin is going to win.

I don't know if you're going to live.

All I know is that Kevin is so damn
close to winning the Shiva Bowl.

You have got to make this
season count, do you hear me?

Jenny.

Yeah.

I will continue this season so
that Pete can get the Sacko.

Yes, Ruxin.

Look, if I get the Sacko,
the season doesn't count.

And then he said if he gets the Sacko,
the whole season doesn't count.

It's up to you.

No.

You have to take one for the team.

You have to get the Sacko
and let Ruxin win.

No. I've already done
my Saint Peter duties.

If the season doesn't count,
I don't get the Shiva.

This is the most important thing
that's ever happened to me in my life.

No offense.

None taken.

Come on, how would you feel if you
Shiva championship didn't count?

Well, which one?
There's been quite a few.

You son of a bitch.

This is Kevin's only
chance in the Shiva Bowl.

He has never been here before.

He will probably never be here again.

No offense.

None taken.

Do it!

Hey, listen to me.

As we all know, I was not the
most gentle and considerate of

Sacko commissioners.

You were the worst.

I'd be like a cop going to jail.

Very vulnerable.

Why is it a foregone conclusion
that Ruxin's going to lose?

Need I remind you that I
am in charge of his team.

- Oh, dear God, Andre.
- Exactly.

Granted, I've had some trouble
this week with Raffi.

Which reminds me, I need you to create a
fictional player called Bruce Banner.

The Incredible Hulk?

Yeah.

He wants him on the team, and he
said if we don't get him, he's

going to stab me.

Hi, guys.

Look, ever since I came face to
Ruxin's face with death, I've

been doing a lot of thinking.

I've been spending so much time
in the rat race that I've lost

touch with what's important.

What rat race are you in?

He races rats in the alley
behind his apartment.

All this time spent punching
the clocks, making bank.

For what, huh?

Well, you could start by buying
me a Bud Light and paying

me back for the years of mooching,
eating my food, sleeping at my house.

Oh, Kevin, I realize that this
money can actually do some good.

That's why I gave it away to Matt
Forte's charity, Mercy Home

for Boys and Girls.

You did?

- Matt Forte-- he's on Ruxin's team.
- I know.

I figured a visit from Ruxin's favorite
player would make him very happy.

No. No, this whole charity
bullshit is collusion.

Donating to children at
the holidays-- collusion?

Yeah, come on.

Approved.

Seconded.

What the hell kind of league is this?

You just say approved, and then
all of a sudden it's done?

Yes. Eight man missionary league.

Your turn to take it.

Thanks again, man,
for that donation to Mercy Home.

Kids are going to enjoy it.

Oh, no problem.

And if you want, I could send
them a case of Three Penis wine.

I think they'll be all
right without that.

Well, well, well.

Mr. Matt Forte.

Dr. Andre Nozick.

How are you?

I'm fine.

Knees good?

I'm good.

You're fine?

Don't touch him.

I can touch him.

He's on the fantasy team.

You shouldn't be touching
anybody looking like that.

Oh, burn.

Oh, here he is.

Poor son of a bitch.

Sure you're not walking
with a limp, right?

I'm good, man.

Thank you so much for this jersey.

It's great.

No problem.

We're going to bury him in it.

He's not dead, Taco.

He will be soon.

Ruxin!

I brought you a special visitor!

Look.

My God, it's Matt Forte!

How you doing, man?

Deliverance here is going
to play the banjo for you.

Classic Forte burn.

When you get better, you're
coming to a game as my guest.

Even got this signed football for you.

Cool.

Feel better, buddy.

Take good care of that, bro.

Bring it in, boys.

Ruxin on three.

One, two, three, Ruxin.

Yeah.

Great job.

you guys.

The holidays is a time
for giving, Pete.

Just give it up.

I'm not going to win the Sacko.

Come on.

It's not happening.

Get over it.

Hey, Vincent Van Slow, what
are you drawing over there?

Ta-da.

That's a funeral.

Yep.

All right, you know that
Ruxin's not going to die.

He won the battle, not the war.

Ho, ho, ho.

Merry Sackmas.

Oh, it's Sacko Claus.

That's right-- everything in
that box represents the torture

that I went through having the Sacko.

The trophy, the outfits and of
course, the Sacko steak brands.

Steak brands?

Oh, you didn't hear about
Sacko steak night?

No.

Pete would come over to
my house once a week.

I'd have to make him steak.

Filet.

And then I'd have to
brand it with the Shiva.

And then brand my steak-- a lesser
grade of course-- with the Sacko.

Of course, you are what you you eat.

Well, you'll be eating a lot of
Sacko meat next year, my friend.

I don't want that shit.

Get it away from me.

No, it's not mine anymore.

Ooh! I'll take it.

This stuff is perfect.

You can hold on to it, Taco.

Like Sacko escrow.

What's up? Boom.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Move it! Scoot, scoot!

What are you doing here?

Excuse me, excuse me.

I came to talk to my buddy.

How do you know where I live?

Hey, do you still have those butt plugs
with Bert and Ernie's face on them?

Those were my daughter's tubby toys.

She should not play with those.

Those should be burned.

Please don't come here anymore.

I have team business for you.

So, uh... Let's go.

No, I don't want a knife.

Excuse me, sir.

Huge mistake.

What's up?

Yeah, okay.

Knives back in your pocket.

No knives in my house.

Fine.

By the way, I wanted to talk to
you-- you can't just add/drop

players willy-nilly.

You have to talk to me about that.

No, that's what you're doing,
and it's pissing me off.

You got to cut it out.

Mario Manningham-- you picked him up.

No, you picked him up!

Who is that?

Is he from Super Mario Bros.?

Because, if it was on me, I
would have picked up Luigi.

Look, if you're not picking him
up and I didn't pick him up,

who picked him up?

I hate my team.

No, no, I got to pick up... Oh, shit.

Nurse!

I need to pick up a wide receiver!

Now, you are his wife?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Okay, how's he doing?

Is he getting better?

What's happening?

His motor skills are improving.

That's the good news.

That's really good.
When is he going to be able to walk?

It's just too early to say.

You have to be patient.

Oh.

Hey!

Hi, babe.

Hi, baby.
You're going to walk soon.

I'm never gonna walk.

You want to try?

No.

Come on!

Move your legs.

Best thing for her is
Botox in the bladder.

It's a new thing, but we can
freeze that puppy right up.

- Yeah.
- Come on, baby.

You can do it.

Rodney?

Shiva?

Ruxin.

I'm yours.

I'm still yours.

I'm the Shiva.

There you go, babe.

Good!

Oh, my God.

Oh, honey, that's so good.

Yes!

Yes, honey, yes, yes, yes!

Honey, honey?

I'm right here.

You're still mine.

You're still mine.

I am so sorry.

I think he thinks you're me.

Oh, no, this is the Shiva.

Just Shiva.

You're better!

Yeah, doing great.

How are you?

I'm... I'm g... I'm good.

So how's Andre?

Andre?

Andre.

Oh, no, that human
kumquat's got my team.

Holy shit, Kevin!

You just won the Shiva Bowl!

Did I?

Really?

Yes!

Hey, where is Taco?

I'm playing against a guy
who isn't even here.

I mean, I invited him over.

He said he had better things to do.

Look, you won the bet.

Huh?

You are the champion.

Am I?

Yes.

The season doesn't even count.

I mean, Ruxin won the Sacko.

Hallelujah!

Saint Pete is not the Sacko!

Mr. Ruxin will be having a
rough year ahead of him.

Honestly, Ruxin should get a special
medical dispensation, which means...

He had a stroke.

Yeah, I think you should be the
sole owner of the fetid bull

scrotum for next year.

Congratulations, Andre.

No, no, no, no, no.

I do not get the Sacko.

This is not fair at all.

Ruxin asked me... Wait a second.

This is a setup.

Ruxin having the stroke.

The video will.

Oh, it just came out of nowhere.

This whole thing has been an
elaborate setup just to get me

to have the Sacko two years in a row.

Well, guess what.

The gig is up.

I think it's a jig.

No, it's a gig because you go...
you play a gig, and when the gig is...

But the jig is the dance.

No, but the gig is-- when you finish
rockin' out, your gig is over.

That's not where it comes from.

Okay, you know what?

I don't care what is up.

I'm not going down like this.

I'm not going down!

All right, but as the Sacko
commissioner, I think I'm just

going to have to say that...
it is decided.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, no.

It's an honor.

It's a Dre-peat.
Hey, guys?

We just got invited to a funeral.

Oh, shit.

Is Ruxin dead?

No, it's worse.

He has a boat?

Oh, how did this platypus get a boat?

Shit.

What is this?

What is going on, man?

I didn't think you guys would come.

You didn't RSVP.

Where did you get the boat?

Over there.

I broke the chain.

What is all this stuff?

It's everything!

The Sacko, the Shiva?

Yeah, it's a funeral for the league.

We need to destroy this season.

The Shiva?

The... the cobra box?

Kegel the Elf?

He has nothing to do with any of this!

Whoa.

That's my computer, man.

Yeah, this is what we drafted on.

This is where the evil all began.

Oh, come on.

I don't like what I saw
in you guys this year.

This whole league is tarnished.

We need to burn it, bury it and start
clean, just like Pete did with his wife.

Taco, I didn't murder her.

We got a divorce.

Sacko steak, anyone?

No!

I got the meat from the
supplier of Yobogoya.

No, I'm good.

Thank you.

Yobogoya!

Whoa!

Bobbum Van.

Bobbum Man!

He's going to mess with
my equipmunk again?

What's up, chicks?

Whoa.

Let's do this.

Viking funeral.

We're going to burn him.

We're going to chop him
up if we need to, guys.

Call trophies if you want them.

I've got one of his ears.

Who is that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Jesus Christ, Raffi!

I'm not dead!

You will be, though.

And, Raffi, what are you
listening to in your car?

I'm listening to an audio
recording of a slaughterhouse.

This is not my funeral, okay?

This is the funeral of
this season of the league.

I can make this all go away, you guys.

Raffi!

None of this counts.

This whole season arrived in a clown
car of lies, and it never happened!

Ruxin still reigns as champion,
and Andre still has the Sacko.

What? No.

No, no, no, no, I won.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I'm putting my name on the Shiva.

No, you're not.

I have got to win the Shiva,
because if I don't win the

Shiva, then I don't win the bet!

Hey, babe?

You won the bet.

Huh?

I'm pregnant.

Wait, just because I won?

No, I found out a couple days ago.

We're going to have our own baby?

Yeah.

So excited!

You sure it's not my baby?

I did jerk off in your
underwear drawer.

Ugh!

All right, guys.

Let's do this.

No, no, no, no, no.

Yes, we have to.

- My torch!
- Taco, no!

Step aside, brother.

I'm the commissioner!

You're a figurehead!

Guys, guys, stop it!

This is not your fight.

Get out of the way!

Oh, oh, oh, shit!

I'm on fire!

Guys, I'm on fire!

Oh, no, you fell on the Sacko brand!

What?!

Looks like you won the Sacko after all.

Yeah, and this one counts.

Dicks!

Yay!

Andre, help!

It's an emergency.

Sorry, buddy.

It is time.

Oh, Pete, every night's going
to be Sacko steak night now!

Adios, Shiva Komedi.

No, what are you doing?!

Oh, my God!

Burn!

You can take my draft pick, but
you can never take my Shiva!

No.

This season never happened.

Yes, it did.

- Yes, it did.
- Kevin, what are you doing?

Kevin, you have everything you want.

We're having a baby.

Any asshole can be a father.

I want to be a champion!

What?

I'm coming, baby!

Shiva Komedi!

Oh, my God!

Go, Brian!

Somakanakram!

My brother's such an idiot.

Shiva Komedi Somakanakram!