The League (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Marathon - full transcript

Legs...
strong, useful and practical.

Sometimes we take them for granted.
But not people with lower limotaxia.

Otherwise known as Thurber-
Horngood Syndrome.

Oh, my God!

- What do you...? Jenny!
- What?

Come here.
You got to look at this thing.

That's why I'm taking pledges
so I can fulfill one of my

life's dreams: to run the marathon.

For those who can't run.

No!

Oh, yes.



Dearest Zola Budd, I'm
very pleased to learn that

you've chosen the marathon as
your next triumph in a long line

of stupid, stupid exercise fads.

What?

I'm strengthening my core just
like Joseph Pilates intended.

I'm the master of the stairs!

It's more complicated than most stairs.
No one was supposed to see that.

You want a nose job? Bam!

How about a breast reduction?

Bam-bam-bam!

Why would you do it, why
would you video it, and then

why would you tell me
where the videos are?

What do Andre and *** have in common?

The sauna suit.



Cardio tennis! Whoo!

Forehand!

Backhand!

♪♪♪

Oh, Pete, you are the Ken Burns
of making Andre look like an asshole.

Shedding the pounds
like Chicago's bravest.

I'm polar ***

These were private videos.

A sexy sweat.

I wish I could slip a dollar
through the computer.

I'm a red-hot fireman.

Where's the fire?

Don't forget your anal Kegels.

This is so great, you guys:

being in the league, hanging
out with you guys at the bar.

- It's like a date night.
- Yeah.

Yeah?

No, this is not like a date night.

And this is not the way two people who
go head-to-head should be acting.

Would you rath...?

This week I'm gonna take you down!

I'm taking you down!

Ugh!

Guys, we're just talking about a
little friendly competition here.

There's no friendliness.

There's no love in the league.

I just think you guys are worried
she's gonna kick your ass.

Should be.

No, no, no, no. What I'm worried about
is collision between you two.

Lying at home beneath your
80-thread-count sheets, dreaming

of a better life and
whispering football secrets.

That's that, what happens
between our sheets.

I don't want to hear that.

By the way, it wasn't a stripper pole.

It was a fireman's pole.

Really? Did the pole end
up in a fireman's truck?

No.

Stripper pole.

What's the deal with the outfit?

This? It's for the marathon.

What?

The marathon.

The what?

The marathon.

The what?

Oh, okay, ha-ha-ha, very funny.

I get it.

Hey, why are you
dressed like that?

The marathon.

The what?

Make fun all you want.
I'm in peak performance mode.

What are you drinking?

Oh, it's this amazing
energy supplement.

It's Sports Performance
Utility Nutrition Kick.

S.P.U.N.K.

Yeah.
Oh, you guys heard of it.

Yeah, it's the best.

Spunk is amazing.

It just gives me so much more energy.

I just suck these down.

I love Spunk.

But what does it taste like,
just out of curiosity.

A little salty.

But when you're running,
you just want it.

Like, I want some Spunk, you know?

Do you have a favorite flavor Spunk?

I don't think they have flavors or
just different I like the black kind.

Mm-hmm.

So where do you get this stuff?

Mm, I got a guy.

Anyone need anything?

Do you have a juicer?

No.

'Cause I'm running the marathon.

I'm trying to drink healthy.

Good for you.

Let me take care of this.

I got it.

Yeah, it's for charity.
I just wanted to kinda give back.

- That is so sweet.
- I'm actually running the marathon as well.

- Are you? Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

- No, you're not.
- Oh, yes, I am, yeah.

I think it's great you guys are
both running the marathon.

I am... running it.

So, uh, you want a juice, too?

You know what?

I think I'll have a hefeweizen.

I'm running, he's not.

He didn't even know
about eating Spunk.

Ugh! There is this asshole in my
office who is just like Andre.

It's this woman who's a notary.

And she runs the marathon for charity.

The only thing worse than
running a marathon is running

a marathon and then asking
for money to do it.

It's like, I'm not gonna pay you
to lose weight. It's a scam.

Then don't do it.
Don't give her any money.

What's a notary?

A notary is, like, a person who makes things
official with, like a stamp or a notebook.

It's actually something
simple enough for you to do.

Oh.

Yeah, this woman is a real bitch.

She's, like, a real canotary.

Guys, come on.

I'm not censoring
myself in front of her.

- That was so fun, wasn't it?
- It really was.

Oh, my God, I fit in I
was pretty impressive.

It was impressive.

Not as impressive as what's
happening right now, though.

Yeah?
Feel good?

It does feel good.

What feels good is when Frank Gore is gonna
score three TDs on you you on Sunday?

No, not really.

Mmm. How about when Jay Feely's
gonna kick a 60-yard field goal?

No, no. Okay, all right...
That is hot.

No, no, it's not hot.
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

No way! I'm talking smack.

No, I don't want to talk smack
when I'm about to enter you.

Look, the thought of you beating
me does not keep me hard.

Ah, see?

Even you know you're gonna lose.

Mm, knowing that I'm losing
is blood flow down there.

I'm at, like, 40% right now.

- You can't handle this?
- 20%.

Come on, it's fun, healthy No.
I just basically have to

tie a stick to it to get it in now.

That is not hot at all.

Good night.
Good night.

- Hey, hey, what are you doing?
- Hey.

What am I doing?
I'm training for the marathon.

- For the what?
- The marathon.

- The what?
- The what?

You know what? Shut up.
You've been up all night?

You've been up all night?

- No I haven't been...
- We've been up all night too.

- You are drunk.
- I am not drunk.

I'm training.

You're not training.

How do you know that?

You so confident you gonna run,
let's put some money on it.

It's okay. We've believe that
you're running the marathon.

You don't have to believe me.

I am running the marathon.

It's you.

Right. Yeah, I'm gonna
crush you in the marathon.

Let's put a bet on it: $1,000 I
have a better time than you.

$2,000.

Oh, you're on.

Oh. You got to warm up.

'Cause I'm taking it.

There he goes.

I'll see you on the track.

Look how excited he is.

He's so great.

Hey, I'm sort of in a rush this
morning, so I got to... I'm in here.

What? No breakfast?

Oh, I couldn't sleep.
I am so excited about my matchups.

- Matchups against me.
- Yeah.

I want to talk to Jenny, my wife,
not Jenny, my week four competitor.

- Mm, maybe you should give
her a call sometime. - Oh, okay.

We're treading on
dangerous ground here.

We don't want to turn into
the Hutus and the Tutsis.

What?

The Hutus and the Tutsis.

One minute, we're hanging out,
partying, smiling, laughing it

up, next minute, you try to hack I...
It's a horror movie with Don

Cheadle in Africa in the hotel.

Hotel Rwanda?

- Yes.
- Not a horror movie.

- What?!
- True story.

Oh, my.
That makes it so much worse.

We can't let that happen to us.

But the most important thing is

we have to make an accord
with each other that fantasy

football will not
effect our home life.

Okay.

Just a little friendly competition.

I'm friendly.

You don't seem very friendly.

No, I'm friendly.

How friendly?

I'll consummate this
agreement here on the table.

Really?
I am still really hungry, though.

Ruxin.

Twyla!

Why don't you come in?

Look, I know you have been avoiding me.

But I need a donation from you

for Team Twyla, for our marathon.

Yeah. I just don't know if I'm
supporting Team Twyla this year.

Excuse me?

See, I just don't negotiate
with charity terrorists.

What are charity terrorists?

Charity terrorists are people
like yourself who force me to

give money to things against my will.

It's almost a jihad against my wallet.

Let me ask you a question, Twyla.

Sure.

How much of that marathon
did you run last year?

Well, I walked as much as I
could and then I ran a bit and

then I walked some!

On that walk, did you stop at TCBY?

Yes.

Well, I also love the
country's best yogurt, but I

don't expect you to pay me to go
on the elliptical to work it off.

But if you do want to lose some
weight, you could start by not

eating my chicken salad
sandwich out of the fridge.

Okay, well, then why don't you
put your name on it, Rodney?

'Kay, everybody calls me Ruxin.

And I can't believe I am working
in an office with hungry hungry hippos.

Whoo!
Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, my God.

Chill hours, 15 minutes from my house
to your house.

Who needs cars when you're the flash?

What's the name of the
dude you're chasing?

Ugh, Andre, you smell like
eighth-grade kids who haven't

learned to use deodorant yet.

That's actually 'cause this is wicked
oil moisture bouncing off me, it's going out.

Stop wicking.

What about you?

Are you wicking anything away?

I'm working my ass off over here.

This women's basketball game,
this is, like, the Heartbreak

Hill of channel surfing.

You...
are gonna lose this bet.

Tortoise. Hare.

Tortoise. Hare.

Uh, I think you got that backwards.

The hare ends up losing.

That's 'cause the hare got
cocky and was dehydrated.

Oh, I'm staying hydrated.

Well, I'm more hydrated than you.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Do you want to have
a hydrating contest?

Hydration? Huh? Hm?

That's a bad idea.

He thinks I'm still chugging.

I'm just gonna let him
finish it and suffer.

Oh, my God.

Are you crying?

No.
My eyes are just hydrated.

I got to use your bathroom.

Please? Thank you.

Sweetheart, I got to go, so bye, guys.
Um, Sunday you could pick Ellie

Yeah, but you usually pick up Ellie.

Sunday I like to tinker
around with my lineup.

I know, so I'm kind of saving
you from yourself.

You don't need to save me from myself.
I can save myself.

From myself.

So you got her? Sunday?

Yeah, I'll get her.

Great. Thank you.

You're welcome.

You're the best.

No, you're the best.

Oh, my God, this is
like awkward Wimbledon.

Sunday you will pick Ellie up?

Sure.

Great. Love you.

You guys are a hot mess.

No, we're not.

Oh, come on!

You're going head-to-head with
her in the league this week...

you're gonna tell me
that's not bothering you?

It's not a big deal.

No. We talked about it.

Union is strong.
We even made a pact.

Oh, you want me to notarize that?

How do you know what
"notarize" means, Taco?

Friends, you are looking
at a licensed notarizer.

The word is "notary."

No, no, that's the plural.

No, it's the perfect job for me, guys.

I love arts & crafts.

Oh, looks like Frank Gore is out this week
with Turf Tow,

Turf Tow? I'd like to see him
run a mile in my shoes.

- Oh please, will you not...
- 26.2...

Wait a second, doesn't Jenny
have Frank Gore?

Holy shit, she's never gonna *** this out.

You gotta volter her backup.

I'm just gonna tell
her about Frank Gore.

- What?!
- I have to. We made an agreement.

This is what it is.

Oh, I didn't realize you were wearing
a dress underneath those pants.

Really? We're gonna talk
about who's wearing what?

Sweep the leg, Johnny!

Don't be rated PG.

Be rated R.

We made an agreement.

It's not notarized.

Guy's got a point.

Well, let's leave him with
his thoughts, gentlemen.

Can somebody give me a ride?

My legs are killing me.

Twyla! Got some stuff I need notarized
from BP v. Minority Fishermen.

Here we go.

Uh-uh. I need to see some
proper form of identification.

Twyla, we've been working in an
office together for five years, so...

- Yeah, but how do I know that you're you?
- Very well.

Drive?

No, we moved a while back...
Oh, I'm so sorry.

You're gonna have to come back when
you have some current identification.

This wouldn't have anything to
do with me refusing to donate

to Team Twyla, would it?

Oh, now you're gonna need to
come back with two forms of I.D.

You didn't need any I.D.

yesterday when you were in my
office trolling for money for

your little walkabout!

Yeah, well, then yesterday you
were dealing with Twyla...

now you're dealing with a notary!

All right, well, you want a
second form of identification?

Yes, I do!

How about the name that was
on my goddamn sandwich!

Oh, well, I couldn't read it with
all that chicken scratch on it!

- So you did eat it!
- And it was good.

Oh!

You know what?

Hm?

I hope you lose control of your bowels
like that German marathon runner.

She was Swiss!

Semantics!

Two forms, Rodney!

Goddamn canotary.

What is this?

Hi, everyone. Sorry, you interrupted me
doing business stuff.

I'm Taco from Taco Corp.

You may recognize me as the
number one vintner of Three Penis wine

Chicago Metropolitan area.

Oh... But now I'm starting
a new business.

I am... notarizing.

And I will notarize anything.

Don't hide your thighs,
notarize.

Oh, yeah!

Don't terrorize...
notarize!

Where does he find those people?

Don't ***, notarize!

Don't agonize...
notarize.

There's a homeless
guy in Kevin's house.

Don't apologize...
notarize!

Block.

Need your thumbprint.

Block. 360 spin.

Two valid forms of I.D.

And remember what Taco says:

Don't compromise...
notarize!

Give me a call.

Everything is free.

Taco's a notary, huh?

No, sorry, it's you have to give
me money and then I'll do it.

It's not free.

I keep forgetting that.

Notary business is good, and I have you
to thank. I found a career, people respect

me, and I'm making a change now.

- Think of me as your university of Phoenix.
- You know what?

I'm making dreams happen.

Look at this.

This is a little Asian boy who
wanted to own a powerboat.

Pretty sure it's
illegal in this state.

But guess what?

I made it happen.

You guys need a drink?

I got $120 burning a hole in the
hole in my pocket, so name the

drink... doesn't matter how expensive.

I'd like an old-fashioned, please.

I don't know what that is.

And on the third day, God gave him
a number, and his number was 1729.

That is right, I am an official
marathoner of Chicago.

I'll be there on Sunday.

I need your support...will you come out?
You need a drink, my friend?

Uh, no, Taco.

Keeping the body clean, like a temple.

See, I wish I had...

time for hobbies like that.
Alright.

Have fun in 1971.

You might not know this,
because I haven't seen you

training, but the whole secret
of marathon running is keeping

yourself limber and
flexible at all times.

It's not dressing like you're the
fifth member of Color Me Badd?

Let's hurry up with those
drinks, bartender.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I heard you're a notary.

It's a dirty job.
Someone's got to do it.

Can you notarize something
for me right now?

Alright, here's the deal.

7$. I only take singles.
You in or out?

- Okay.
- Alright.

- Step into my office.
- It's by the bathroom?

It is the bathroom, honey.

- It is official.
- It's a fine number, but this, my friend,

is official.

What?

I, Pete Eckhart will run
in the Chi-Town marathon.

- Notarized.
- Wow.

This is impressive.

This is a piece of paper with a stamp on it.
I have an official race ***.

- Did you get it notarized?
- Hmm.

Hmm.

Don't need one.

See you a little later.

Okay.

You don't need to get it stamped.

Watch, boys.

Official business.

Hey, watch it, pal!

I'll notarize you!

I don't think he knows
what that word means?

No idea. He has no idea.

No.

He's a professional, just like myself.
Ugh! Oh!

Oh, God.

Andre, the stretching in doors
and the bib... it just all smacks

of so much desperation.

Notarize!

You were only supposed
to stamp the paper!

You ruined my jeans.

You're not getting your seven dollars.

I threw the ass stamp in for free!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Come on, we had a deal.

Buddy. You all right?

Oh! Oh! Taco! Oh!

What is it?

My toe... Oh.

Your toe?

Is it turf toe?

Turf toe?

Oh. Can I get some ice? Ugh!

By the way, can you run a
marathon with turf toe?

A what?

A marathon.

A what?

A marathon.

What? What do you want?

Look, Taco, I need your help.

That canotary at work froze me out.
I'm under a time crunch.

Can you please notarize
these documents for me?

I'm done with the rat race.
I'm retired.

I'm gonna lay low
for a little while.

I don't think you could lay any lower.

My book's full.

As I look at all these entries, uh...
it's all a blur.

It's half full.

Half full of days that
I can't remember.

You've been doing it for a week.

You'd get out of here if you
knew what was good for you.

Go. Leave me alone.

Taco?

Look, would a gift certificate from Caesar
change your mind?

You son of a bitch.

Looks like this old ranch hand's
going for one last cattle drive.

It's just a dick move telling people you're
gonna run a marathon and then not do it.

I'm injured, okay?

I have turf toe.

You were the one who said
that wasn't even a real thing.

Frank Gore and I both have it,
and we're both out this week.

Yup, and somebody was smart enough
to pick up Frank Gore's backup.

A toast.

There you go.
What, no beer?

No, I'm good with my SPUNK.

- I think I'm addic7ed to it.
- You're addic7ed to SPUNK?

I just hit the shit out of Sizzler.

I have the strength of four
Salisburies, three sirloins and

a gallon of root beer inside me.

Let's notarize.

All right!

What's the case?

BP v. Minority Gulf Fisherman.

Please tell me that you're
not representing BP.

Someone has to defend them

against getting crushed
under the hill of the common man.

So, what's BP?

What's BP?

The oil company people.

Hey.

- Hey. How are you?
- I'm great, do you want to talk?

If you're looking for an apology,
you came to the wrong place.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

No more Hutus and Tutsis?

No. Frank Gore went down with
turf toe, I picked up his backup.

You know who I picked
up and who I started?

- Who?
- Third stringer Anthony Dixon.

He's the one who's actually
going to be playing for Gore,

and he's the one who's going
to be getting all the points.

She's good.

There is absolutely no
love in the league.

This is my last job, you know.

After this, I'm done.

I'm gonna pass it all
on to you, Ruxin.

- What?
- I'll give you my certificate.

- Uh- Uh.
- My mariachi and my estampa.

Your estampa?
What are you talking about, Taco?

What the hell is going on over here?

Twyla.

- Hey.
- Oh, I see that you ran the marathon.

Yes, I did.

And now you're eating a big piece
of chocolate cake.

- Oh, you're the canotary?
- No!!

I don't know what he's talking about.

What I want to know is why
these corporate documents are

being reviewed by El Notario.

What is El Notario?

What is that?

That's me.

Look, this notary stamp is from Venezuela.

- What?
- It's not even valid in the US.

- What?
- The times, they are changing.

No room in this *** world for an old school
venezuelan notario like myself.

♪♪♪

To your dreams?

- Yeah, I don't speak Spanish.
- So, you ***

- I huess I am.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I think Team Twila
is gonna get a little donation.

What about a big donation?

How about a big donation
and a big piece of cake?

Yes, I'll have my cake and donation
too, thank you very much.

This is cashmere, you tiny little monster.

I am really enjoying being in the league.

And it's so much fun watching the games when
you actually have something on the line.

Yeah, so much fun.

They didn't have a problem
getting Ellie over to ***?

I thought you brought her to gymnastics.

No, I brought her to gymnastics and
you were supposed to pick her up and...

Oh my God...

Parent fail.

Whoo! Door from rush.
It is real.

You did not run the marathon.

Uh, yeah, I did. Look.

I've got my official marathon number.
It's my number. You stole my number.

You forfeited by faking an injury.

Therefore, you lost the bet.

Fork it up, come on.

Why...
Oh, he's getting up, folks.

He's getting... He's running!

He's running! He...
Come on, 26.2.

First week, first win.

- How did you know to pick up Andy Dixon?
- I'm good.

That really was a great
free agent pickup.

You gonna talk dirty to me?

Yeah.

I love it.

Shonn Greene... three
touchdowns for 28 points.

Jay Feely... two... Oh......
5 0 yarders splitting the uprights.

Oh! Wow! Mmm!

How's it feel to lose?

Mm, about 60% blood flow.

70.

- Next week, I am going to crush Andre.
- Andre? Ooh.

Mm-hmm.

30.

Mmm.

20. Oh, get the stick.