The League (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 1 - Vegas Draft - full transcript

RUXIN: I'll figure it out.

Just do it one more time,
I will figure it out.

KEVIN: It's too complicated for you.

It's not too complicated for me.

PETE: He wants to play the
game, let's give him the game.

Okay, fine.

You pick someone this time.

You tell me.

Okay, fine.

Go.

Plug 'em up. Look away.



You good?

Yeah.

Right here.

Okay. (clears throat)

Some people think he's
the best in the game.

(snapping fingers)

Nobody thought the game
would pass him by.

Together, him and his teammates...
Drew Brees.

Thank you!

Nice, easy one.

You got it now, right?

You understand it, right?

No.

You have to under...
That was so simple.



TACO: It took me a while to
figure out the game, too.

It took him a while to figure it out.

This thing knows how to do it?

Yeah.

Want me to show you how?

He'll teach you.

ANDRE: Whoa!
The champion has arrived!

What's up?

Will you stop saying
that word, please?

Gentlemen, as your league champion,
it is time to talk draft.

As we all know, the league
champion determines where we

hold the draft.

There's an abandoned video
store near my place, and they

have couches.

No, no, no, Taco, you're
thinking too small.

You know what, guys?

Let's just blow it out
this year... Vegas.

Vegas?

Vegas draft.

We've never done the
traditional Vegas draft.

Blow it out!

I was gonna say that.

You were gonna say what?

It was my idea.

The Vegas was my idea.

We all just heard him say Vegas.

Pete said it.

In the end, it doesn't really
matter whose idea it was...

It was mine.

Well, you can book it.

You can run with it.

I did, I ran with it.

Guys, guys, enough bickering, okay?

Vegas is a great idea for the
draft, and we should really

raise a glass to Pete for
coming up with it.

Oh, it was just an idea, guys, really.

- To Vegas!
- It was my idea!

JENNY: So, Vegas.

Yeah.

I kind of want to go.

Why? I mean, all we're gonna
do is, you know, get drunk and

maybe go to a strip club.

I want to be in the league.

(chuckles)

But you're... you are.

You're... you help me.

You're, like...
almost in the league.

Almost in the league, but I'm
not really in the league.

You'll be on my team with me.

I don't want to be on your team
with you; I want my own team.

Those three out-of-town
dudes never even show up.

I'm here, and I can be there,
and I just, I have all this

knowledge, okay?

Help me, then.

I need to use it.

Give it to me.

It doesn't help you.

You still manage to shoot
yourself in the foot.

(wry chuckle)

Come on.

I can't do it.

Why?
You are the commissioner.

My hands are tied.

It's an eight-team league, it

always has been, it
always will be.

Okay, fine. If one of the eight drops out...
No one drops out.

It's like the Supreme Court.
People just die on the bench.

Supreme Court has 9 judges.

(grunts): I feared
this day would come.

All those years of free fantasy
advice... here comes the bill.

(grunts loudly)

I love my wife, but I don't
want her in the league.

I mean, this is my thing.

That she does for you, essentially.

I mean, do you realize without
her help how frighteningly bad

you would be?

I wouldn't be that bad.

Oh, my God... Vegas hat!

Oh!

Vegas! Right?

Wow, that's ugly.

Best idea ever.

Very good idea, not Andre.

Right, it was my idea.

Hey, if we do need a ninth,
my brother-in-law Ralphie's

available.

No. No.

Brolo... Bro, no...
He stinks, man.

As league champion, I shoot it down.

Here, happy birthday.

This is a belated gift
from Jenny and I.

Oh, my God, I can't believe
you guys gave me your butt

beads... that's so nice.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Open it up in Vegas. Okay?

Okay.

Oh, this is your plane ticket, Taco.

Thank you for paying for it, brother.

To pay you back, I will teach
Ellie to ride a motorcycle.

That's not necessary.

She's only six.

Okay, now, look, as your league
champion, it's come to my

attention that we need to
determine the order of the draft.

I have already done that.

Please... ladies, follow moi.

Very simple: security
line, right over here.

First person through the
security line gets the first

pick in the draft. Huh?

Wait, wait, you son of a bitch...
you checked all your bags.

That's because I'm
in it to win it.

Go!

(ticking)

(whispers): Kevin!

I'm a doctor, and there's
a medical emergency.

I need to get on a flight.

I don't believe you, and a
doctor wouldn't wear that hat.

Cactus. Be careful. It's...
All these colors don't go together.

It was designed by Santana.

Pardon me, pardon me!

Look out!

Goddamn slip-ons!

It's a joke bomb!

It's a joke bomb!

Sir, don't use the word
"bomb" in this airport.

It's a classic Kevin joke.

Excuse me for one second.

No, no, no. No. Hey!

No, no, no!

Oh... sack!

Number one pick! Whoo!

You can body-cavity search me
all you want... all you're gonna

find is Tennessee running
back Chris Johnson!

Whoo! Suck it.

Smells like Vegas.

So, it's, like, a word scramble?

No, that's not it.

Oh, I hate this game.

Don't hate the game,
hate the player, buddy.

I'm the player.

I know.

Dudes, check it out, all right?

We are living the life.

This weekend is going to be amazing.

But I have one rule: what happens
in Vegas stays in Vegas.

- No, it does not.
- What do you mean, no, it doesn't?

- It's a rule.
- I don't subscribe to that rule.

Okay, so you're gonna do nothing...
that the people at

home wouldn't want to hear about?

Nope. Oh, and by the way, the
term "What happens in Vegas,"

that should be, like, buried
in a graveyard of overused

expressions along with "You go,
girl" and "Show me the money."

Come on, homie don't play that.

Really?

Come on, let's just go
check out the suite.

It's so money.

Vegas, baby!

Gentlemen...
Shit.

...meet Las Vegas.

It's Spanish for
"Andre is awesome."

Wow!

Well done, Andre, well done.

Yeah.

I got to admit, this is...
kind of great.

Well, you ain't seen nothin'
yet.

Gentlemen...
welcome to Las Vegas.

(laughter)

What?!

Chad Ochocinco.

In the flesh.

Hey, come on up, man.

What?!

Chad's gonna be our special
guest... you know, our master of

ceremonies.

How are you here?

What... I don't...
Chad and I are getting into

the calf implant business.

I'm making molds of his
calves in two sizes.

Preseason...
and Playoff Push, baby.

Why are you working with him?

Yeah.

Child, please!
I won... No. Stop.

Don't do that.

What do you mean?

Don't do that.

'Cause you didn't even
use it in the right way.

But can I still use it professionally?

Dude, you're a doctor.

I know, but, you know, when a
woman comes in and she's, like,

"I want a face lift," I'm,
like, "Child, please!"

No.

No?

No, it doesn't even go.

I think you need to come up with
something more... Andre-ish.

"Try the veal... child."

What was that one?

Try the veal, child.

Try the veal.

I use J-Date!

I don't...
I'm not even Jewish.

I cry myself to sleep.

I'm an adult virgin.

(laughter)

Not... not even true.

Do you have any draft advice for me?

- I'll draft you first if you give me
some good advice. - Hey...

- If you draft me first...
- Uh-huh.

...you won't need any advice.

Yeah. Try the veal, man.

Can you shut up?

What? I'm trying.

Ochocinco...
He's a totally normal guy.

Does he have his own room?

Wha... Wha...
uh... Huh?

You didn't!

What?!

Oh, you asshole!

What have you done to Shiva?

Oh, it's not the Shiva anymore.

It's "The Dre."

Why are you dressed like a ballerina?

I'm not dressed like a
ballerina; I'm dressed like a

weightlifter.

Why are you dressed
like a weightlifter?

That is heresy.

You made a god in your
own image, Andre.

You're doomed.

I'm not doomed.

- It's the Shiva.
- It's the Dre.

- It's the Shiva.
- It's the Dre.

No, it is the Shiva!

Guys, guys, guys, we can reach
a compromise here, okay?

- Let's call it the She-Dre.
- She-Dre.

Well, no, wait, that's his name.

So we'll call him She-Dre...
her, we'll call her She-Dre.

No, call me Andre or
Winner or League Champion.

Hey, She-Dre, is there
any beer in here?

I don't care what you guys say.

I'm a winner, I'm a champion.

Respect me and respect the Dre.

All right, this is just a pit
stop because I have reservations

at this molecular gastronomy
place that is supposed to be off

- off the hook.
- Oh, my God.

We're not going there.

Can you back off with this thing?

What are you doing, a book report?

One word, my friend...
stripper sound ringtones.

That is three words.

You realize you could have
one that's ten times smaller than that.

- Oh, hello, friends.
- Hi.

Look, he's making friends already.

Wow, look at that ass.

See, you guys are not focused
at all on what is at hand here, okay?

The draft is upon us, and I am
the only one focused

with my eyes on the prize.

I'm picking first; I got
nothing to worry about.

You guys...
Yeah.

You guys have to worry.

Do whatever you guys want,
but take it from your league champion:

QBs are all the rage this year.

Philip Rivers has been going in the first
round in all my trainer leagues.

What, trainer leagues? What are you
talking about, "trainer leagues"?

Hey.

Uh, one second, we got a...

If you're such a great champion,
why do you need a trainer league?

You know what? Why do you look like
a background dancer from This Is It?

Philip Rivers... round one.

You draft Philip Rivers in the first round.
Go ahead. You know what?

- You go ahead.
- You guys have got it wrong.

Rivers isn't going before
the third in any of my mock graphs.

What do you know about Rivers and drafts?

I won my league last year.

So what kind of league are you guys in?

Guys in... PPR, IDP,
auction, dynasty?

Eight-man fantasy
football league.

Yeah, losers take the
winner out to dinner.

Why are you such an authority
on fantasy football?

The players come in here.

They tell me
everything they know.

- You serious?
- Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Um, I was actually curious

about the rates for the,
uh, the "champagne room."

I'd be interested in a
little one-on-one time.

We're talking, like,
$300 for a half hour.

Can we just do $200 and you
can keep your clothes on?

I really just need the info.

Well, where's the fun in that?

I'll give you $250, you can

keep your clothes on, and
we'll do four rounds.

Why don't you guys just pool
your money and come in together?

Oh, God, no, that's disgusting.

No, we don't cross streams.

No, I will give you $250.

You can keep a parka on.

It doesn't matter to me.

I don't care what
you're wearing.

I just want some sleepers.

No, no, no, $300.

I just need 15 minutes, three
rounds, but I need three sleepers.

$400 for Kevin.

- What?!
- Yes.

Sold.

You get the first
pick of the draft.

That's the only
advantage you get.

I have a really good feeling

about Felix Jones in the
second round this year.

- I think he's poised for a huge
breakout season... - Felix Jones?

No?

Why go with Felix Jones in
the second when you can have

Ricky Williams in the ninth?

End of the year, their stats are
still going to be the same.

That is very good advice,
Ambrosia, very good advice.

No, no, no, I-I don't need... I have
a couple more rounds to get through here.

Let's keep moving.

Gentlemen, welcome to the Helm's
Deep of the 2010 Fantasy Draft.

Wow, wow.
Nice.

Look around, take it in.
It's all here.

- How are you?
- Nice to see you.

Beautiful women, free beer.

This is what you get when your
league champion is also a winner at life.

You know, gentlemen, I'd like
you all to prepare for the year

of the Andre-nation.

What?
What did you say?

- The domi-Dre-tion.
- Really?

That was a quick one.

Hey.

- What's up?
- What's up, Ocho?

What's good? Are we ready
to get this thing started?

Is everybody here, first off?

The two out-of-town idiots are
on auto-draft, but I haven't

seen Vince all... He's supposed
to be coming, right? I mean...

Oh, that's right, I spoke to Vince.

He's not going to make it to
Vegas, and he's actually

out of the league.

What? Now you tell us?

Wow.

I just found out, like, a month ago.

Oh, you're a dick.

An eight-team league is
already weak as it is.

- Y'all call me when y'all
figure it out, all right? - You got it.

- All right, Chad.
- Hey, quick question.

Do these look cool?

Child, please.

He "child, pleased" me,
he "child, pleased" me.

Jesus Christ, Ruxin, why
didn't you say anything?

What is wrong with you?

Don't get your panties in a bunch.

You guys need a problem solver.

C'est moi.

I will solve your
problems, all right?

That's why I have invited
Raffi to join the league.

Brolo?

No, no, no, no.

First off, he's terrible.

Secondly, he's in Chicago.

No, actually I had him

You suck...
(Raffi imitates explosion)

Oh, boy.

Raffi bomb.

What's up, guys? Andre.

I can see his penis beard.

How's it going, guys?

I'm so excited to
belong to something.

Well, it's not
definite yet, right?

Yeah, we haven't...
He said it's definite, he said it's on.

All right, let's get this
thing started, right?

What is this?

It's the draft board, Raffi.

You know behind this
there are girls, right?

Are you kidding me?
Has it come to this?

Is this our only option?

I don't know, guys, you might
have one more option.

Whoa.

Babe, what the hell
are you doing here?

Aw, I missed you, too, babe.
Good to see you.

I was talking to Vince's
wife on the phone.

She said Vince was out.

I thought you guys
might need an eighth.

Um, I guess we...
We got our eighth, we got Raffi.

Well, not really, not yet.

I don't know, guys, I think

that this might, might
actually need a vote.

Yes, a vote, please.

Okay, yeah, no, I want a vote.

What are we voting for?

You don't get a vote, Raffi.

- Why not? I'm in the league.
- This is humiliating.

No, come on.

Yeah, me sitting here next
to you wait... humiliating.

Want to make out, past the time?

No.

- No?
- No, I don't.

Okay, sorry.
I've got to ask.

It's a numbers game, you know?

- Hey.
- Thank you.

Um, so we talked about it and
we've come to a decision and,

uh, congratulations, Raffi.

Yeah, whoo!

In your face!
Geez.

I'm so sorry.

Are you kidding me?!

You picked him?!

(Jenny groans)

Unbelievable.

Don't be mad.

Is she single?

What's her story?

That's my wife.

Wow, is it working out?

And it's official... Raffi
is part of our league.

All right.

Here we go.
Let's do it.

Hey, can we please get
this draft started?

Yes, let's do it.
Let's rock, let's get it.

I want to know: who
didn't vote for me?

It's a secret vote.
Can't discuss the details.

Wow, I would have
voted for you.

There's already one
woman in this league.

Ain't that right, She-Dre?

(laughter)

You, too, really?

I'm paying for your room, man.

I don't know, guys, I just
think it's really sad that you

are afraid to lose to a girl.

- Babe... - I think you did it
because you're scared of me.

You can still be on my
team, if you want to be.

What I want to do is inflict
as much pain on each and every

one of you as possible.

How are you going to do that?

- Ruxin, do you want some help?
- Are you serious?

Yeah, I'll help you
out with your draft.

It's unfair.

Fortune favors the just!

I like it. Alright, first pick of

the 2010 draft

***, Chris Johnson.

I'm not your sticker bitch.

Good point.

There it is! Huh?

- Taco has traded his number
three pick for Ruxin's... - And Jenny's.

...number six pick in the draft.

What are you getting in return?

Oh, nothing, six is
my lucky number.

Did you want me in the league?

I love you?

I would... let's go get
married all over again.

We're in Vegas.

Ruxin, I've got some
awesome sleepers.

- You know my friend Mike?
- Mike?

Mike Ochocinco.

Same last name... maybe
you guys are related.

- Nah.
- No?

It's just not so often you
meet a guy with the exact same

Spanish numerals as a last name.

Raffi, it's your pick.

Fine, whatever, blah,
blah, blah, this guy.

- All right?
- All right.

- A kicker?
- A kicker.

Adam Vinatieri.

I like kickers.

Round three... Aaron Rodgers.

Whoo!

- No, Taco was there first.
- I want Manning.

Okay.

Probably one of the fastest
to ever play the game.

Never played the game
too well at night.

Too many people
underestimated him...

Oh, I got it, I got it...
DeAngelo Williams.

How did, how did...?

Oh, how do you do this?

Rux, it's so easy, baby.

Want me to explain it to you?

I hate this game!

Child, please.

Dre, no, we just talked
about using that.

I know, I thought I
could say it a little.

Jesus Christ, man, I'm
out of here, man.

No, I mean, I'll stop.

Hey, Kevin, you put my
tenth round pick up yet?

- Packers need a middle.
- Boom.

Passing to Taco.

Hey, where did you
guys get the tubes?

Where did you get these tubes?

- Oh, look at this board.
- It's good.

- I mean, look at my lineup.
- I know.

Ohh... I'm sorry, Miles
Austin in the fifth?

(Ruxin and Jenny moaning)

Stop roster-bating, please.

You can't just masturbate
to your lineup in public.

Kevin, you're just jealous
'cause you took a big shit in

the pool and put it
up on the board.

Are you allowed to take
a shit in the pool?

Whoo!

Oh, God.

Gentlemen, table service
provided by the Dre.

Why doesn't it have a penis?

Oh, because it's anatomically
correct, Taco.

It has a penis, I mean...

Yeah, here it is.

Look, it's a little penis.
Touch it.

Whoa.
Hi.

That is...
Wow.

My wife is hotter
than her and her.

My wife's hotter than her.

My wife's hotter than her.

Okay, we get it!

You out-kicked your
coverage with Sofia.

Ah, but you know who the
prettiest lady at the party is?

My lineup!

Really?

Oh, my God, you wrote
your lineup on a napkin.

You wouldn't let me
bring the board.

Look at this.

It is nice, though.

(loud moaning)

All right, enough with the
roster-batory fantasies, okay?

Do that in private.

Hey, hola, Ocho!

Whassup, baby?

Come here.

Hey, man.

Hey, boys.

What are you doing here?

Oh, nothing, just hanging out
with Chad, talking football.

Oh, yeah, hey, she knows her shit.

Jen, work the rope, baby.

- All righty.
- Let in who you want.

You're good.

You're good.

Not you.

You're good.

♪ Champagne room... ♪

Come on in.

Sorry.

You're really not gonna let me in?

VIP Room's got enough members.

Would you mind, uh, letting
my friend in, please?

Nope.
I don't like his attitude.

Well, yeah, neither do I.

I mean, obviously, he's grumpy,
he's a pill, he's no fun to be around.

I'm standing right here.

He's one of these sick,
disgusting individuals who

actually has more fun with
his wife... I don't get it.

I'm perverse.

Go.

Yes. I just got to ask how
much you spent on that dress.

Because if it's more than...
No, no. Go, go, go, go.

To Pete! To Pete!
Good luck, you guys.

Oh, thanks, guys.

Stop, you know what? Stop.

To Andre.

I planned this whole weekend.

- Hey, Taco, you want a ring tone?
- Yeah.

Andre is your champion!

Yeah, that's not gonna sell.

Ooh, can you make that
straw noise again?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

You guys don't get it.

You don't get it.

I don't care what you guys say.

So watch out, world, because I...
am... a champion!

And this year, you're all
gonna get And-raped! Whoo!

That made me feel ill.

I'm gonna go use the
bathroom upstairs.

Why don't you just go to
the bathroom right here?

Oh, did they replace all the
liquid soap with conjunctivitis?

How long have you known me?

Oh, oh! Ambrosia!
Get up here and dance with me!

I'm a champion, you're
a champion... come on!

Yeah! Whoo!

I got the trophy. I got the girl.

Oh, shit, this is my jam!

What?
No, get out of here, man.

♪ What?! Ooh, ooh! ♪

Get him out of here!

He's rich, I've got a huge
dick... let's do this!

No! No! We're not gonna...
No, no! Get out of here!

You get out of here!
You get out of here!

Bump stuff with me... chicks dig
it when dudes kiss and bump stuff.

No, we're not gonna kiss...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
(all gasp)

(yelling in pain)

Aah! I'm inside me!

Oh, my God.

I just struck gold.

Oh, my God, is he okay?

(whimpering)

Well, you know what they say, guys.

What happens in Vegas stays in Andre.

Oh, hello.

God, you're beautiful.

Ladies and gentlemen, I now
give you "I'm Inside Me."

Taco, what...?

I'm inside me!

♪ I'm inside me the best place
to be Like Sinead O'Connor ♪

♪ Nothing compares to me
I'm the best of the best ♪

♪ So why bother with the rest? ♪

♪ Wine and dine myself just
to get myself undressed ♪

♪ Tell me where I be
I'm inside me! Aah!

♪ I'm inside me!
I'm like a bed without sheets ♪

♪ No one can cover me and I'm
a lover, baby and my love is me ♪

♪ Tell me where I be...
I'm inside me! Aah! ♪

♪ I'm inside me! Bald, white Dr. Dre
Who found out the hard way ♪

♪ Tell me where I be
I'm inside me... Aah! ♪

I'm inside me...

Too soon.

(groans): Oh, got Reggie Wayne
in the fourth, and then

worked it and got Miles
Dawson in the fifth. Oh!

Oh, Montario Hardesty.

Chose that one purely based on name.

Then went back, did some
research... psyched I got him!

And then I snuck a little
Eli Manning in there.

That goddamn mouth-breathing dummy.

Oh, Ruxin!

(yelling)

That's disgusting, Ruxin!

Come on.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?

- I don't think so.
- No. Mm-mm.

No, don't take a picture of me!
Come on!

Racist lions don't
like playing the game.

Yesterday the game was
to eat a lot of yogurt.

President Andrew Jackson?

- Yeah, who else would Old Hickory be?
- Really nice.

How we doing, gentleman?

Doing great. How are you?

Doing great. Listen,
I got a question for you.

The code, those hand signals,
the snapping... what's going on here?

We don't tolerate counting cards.

No, we're not counting cards.

No, we're just playing a game, sir.
It's just...

Oh, okay, a game.
I like games.

Why don't you explain the rules
of the game to me, then?

I think we'd all love to
hear the rules of the game.

Uh... it's a verbal game
that involves snap...

Sir...we're counting cards.

Good night, gentlemen.

No! No!

No, you would rather go to
casino jail than tell me how this works?

Yeah, of course.

No!

Whoo!