The League (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Shiva Bowl - full transcript

So, what do you wanna do
this weekend, Shiva?

I've been thinking,
I wanna see the guys from high school.

The guys from high school?
Why would you wanna see them?

These guys, they're degenerates.

I mean, Pete...

Like, in and out of prison,
I'm pretty sure.

- What?
- Yeah, yeah.

And Kevin, oh, he's lost all this weight.

You know, no one's saying anything,
- AIDS.

Okay. What about Rodney?

- You mean Ruxin?
- Yeah, Rodney.



- Yeah, should I not call him that now?
- Ha, ha, ha. Rodney.

No, I just haven't heard
anyone call him that.

No, you definitely... You must call him.

I will when I see them.

- Why are we doing this?
- I wanna see them, come on.

- No, no.
- It'd be so much fun.

- Please?
- Oh, oh, my goodness.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

Oh, Shiva, oh.

Oh, Shiva.

I wanna snuggle with you and rub off
your luck all over my face and balls.

Oh, I wanna kneel down in front of you
and just savage your downstairs parts.

I wanna ride tandem bicycles with you.

Oh, Shiva, I want to cut your hair
and style it.



Shiva, I like you so hard.

- You like her so hard?
- Yeah.

It's you and me in the Shiva Bowl.
You should be worshiping her.

Gives me a different perspective.
This is the end of the Shiva year.

Why don't we change it?
Next year, we'll call it "trophy."

Shiva. It's always been Shiva.
It always will be Shiva.

Oh, Shiva, I wanna stuff myself
inside of you until I ejaculate.

What? Come on.

I'm telling you, I've done the research.

Facts are facts.

You wanna find a hot woman,
look to the Volkswagen Jetta.

Chances are, there'll be one inside.

- How do you conduct research?
- Three days.

I got disguised as a homeless person,
and I walked downtown.

And whenever I saw a Volkswagen Jetta,
I did a little check on a banana leaf.

And 92 percent of the time,
hot women inside the Volkswagen Jettas.

Why'd you dress up
like a homeless person, Taco?

Because people wouldn't give
a normal person change.

Boys, let's get to it here.

- Offering time.
- Homage time.

- Oh, oh, I have something. I'll be back.
- Oh, boy.

Well, let me go first, guys. The rope.

Not unlike the one that you
so thoroughly enjoyed in gym class.

Oh, my God.
That's where she found her sexuality.

Just going up and then down the rope.
And then up and then shorter down.

- I think you're exaggerating a little bit.
- All right, guys, this is my offering.

Shivakamini

Wanna put my weenie in your vagini

Take down your pants...

- Taco, hey.
- Whoa, you can't make an offering.

Yeah, yeah. No, I actually
wanna win this thing this year.

- No.
- You didn't even make the playoffs, Taco.

- What?
- Andre, please.

- You're up.
- Before I do, I wanna tell you something.

- You coming out of the closet?
- No.

- I have a girlfriend.
- What's his name?

Okay, you know what,
you guys want an offering? Fine.

To my goddess Shiva,
I return the Shiva's panties.

- Uh... No.
- Whose underwear are those?

Shivakamini Somakandarkram.

Oh, who's he?

- Shiva. It's the Shiva.
- Shiva?

- Shiva.
- I'm sorry, how did this happen?

How did it happen? I don't know.

She might have found me pretty attractive
when she was doing rounds at my hospital.

She moved up here from Minneapolis
about three months ago.

She's a doctor now.
But it turns out, she's awesome.

So now I am actually
having sex with Shiva.

I'm going to win the Shiva.

And I'm all about Shiva.

What did she say about the League?

- Yeah, I didn't.
- Oh, right, that would be...

And that is why I'm talking to you now.

I need all you sucktards
to keep your mouth shut.

Okay? This is our secret.
It's how we have to play it.

How are you gonna be quiet? How can you
not tell Shiva you're in the Shiva Bowl?

I think it's pretty easy to keep my
Fantasy Football life away from my real life.

Last thing I need you guys to do is drop it
in the middle of a game or anything.

Look, I'm not gonna do anything
to ruin your chances.

- I'll win on my own merit.
- You're gonna lose.

- And this man right here is gonna win.
- Thank you.

- Because he's balls-deep in Shiva.
- Yeah.

- Okay, all right.
- Let's celebrate, shots, shots.

Yeah, I don't know, I have to drive home.
And so do you.

- I'm not driving.
- You cabbing it?

No, I'm not gonna leave my car here.

- Okay, who's Ruxin?
- That's me.

- You call for roadside assistance?
- Indeed.

And what seems to be the problem
with the car?

Operator error.

- You mean you're too drunk to drive?
- Bingo.

Why don't you call a cab,
have a friend drive?

Because I have premium-plus service,
which means I get 200 miles of free towing.

- All right, give me a minute to hook it up.
- Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey. Check it out, check it out.

What'd I tell you?

Hot girl, Volkswagen Jetta.

It's a law, like water or dinosaurs.

Neither one of those things are laws,
Taco.

You guys ready?

Good to go.

Taco, why are you coming?
You live a block away from the bar.

So? I'll crash at your place tonight.

I like going for rides. Whoo-hoo.

- I'm here to help you crush Pete.
- Thank you.

What you need to do is drop the Vikings
defense and pick up the Cardinals defense.

No, you tinker too much, all right?

- Let's just keep what we have.
- Tinkering works.

If it worked,
we'd be playing in the Super Bowl.

- It's Shiva Bowl.
- I don't recognize that term.

- Check this out.
- Oh, boy, little children, huh?

- Nervous?
- Pfft! Are you kidding me?

Whatever Andre had going for him
Ruxin has surely soiled by now.

- Give it to me.
- Numb nuts.

- Hey, little cuties.
- Hey.

This is a closed session.

You know, no amount of fiddling
is going to help you now, okay?

- I had a wonderful night with Shiva.
- Please stop that.

All right, it's weird. You got a trophy
with my girlfriend's face on it.

This is the Shiva.
Your girlfriend is Shiva.

I know, but it's the same thing.

- Completely different.
- It is not.

- Agree to disagree.
- Tickle me, and rub my belly

- Oh, hey, what's up, boys?
- Hey.

Thanks for letting me borrow
your sweatpants and your underwear.

- Ha, ha, ha.
- Do you mind if I use the kitchen for a bit?

Make whatever you want. Just clean up.
Jenny and Ellie are gonna come home.

No problem. No problem.

I know what Tom Cruise felt like
in Rain Man.

I dropped some toothpicks on the floor
one time and he counted them quickly.

- He got it completely wrong.
- But he was very quick.

I'm gonna order a pizza.
You staying around for the game?

- Yep.
- We are famished.

- Please.
- I am not going to be here.

Because I'm going to be
with my good luck charm, Shiva.

Let me tell you something.

Since I started dating Shiva,
I have not lost a single game, not a one.

You're using an unfair,
competitive, sexual advantage.

All I know is I'm gonna take that trophy
from your hands...

...hold it over my head, and tell everyone,
"I, Andre, won the Super Bowl."

- Shiva Bowl.
- Super Bowl.

I don't recognize that.
I don't know what that is.

All I know is when I hold it, I will sing.

- You wanna sing?
- Oh, I will sing.

RUXIN, KEVIN & PETE :
Shivakamini Somakandarkram

Really?

We're doing this, really. "Shiva Nagila"?

Okay, can we stop?

Hey! Shivakamini Somakandarkram

Oh, great.

More? You didn't get enough in high school?

Hey! Shivakamini Somakandarkram

Great. That's enough.

All right, enough, enough, enough. Stop.

Got it out of your system?
Not gonna do that for 15 years?

Taco, what's that smell?
You smell that?

- Thought it was your house.
- Not my house.

- Oh, shit.
- What's "oh, shit"?

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Taco, what are you doing?
- Oh, goddamn it.

- No brownies.
- Oh, Jesus.

- Ugh!
- It smells like squirrel diarrhea in here.

No, I'm making homemade deodorant.
I think I burned it.

- lf it's deodorant, why does it stink so bad?
- It's musk scent.

Why are you making your own?

Trying to save money.
You know how expensive deodorant is?

- It's like four bucks.
- I know, right?

You need to get a job.
Do you understand me?

I have a job. I make ring tones.

- What do you mean?
- I have a "cats having sex" ring tone.

I have a "cats fighting" ring tone.

Well, it's the same audio.
I just changed the title.

- I have a "horse orgasm" ring tone.
- Oh, wait, "horse-gasm" is yours?

Yeah, yeah, the:

All right, can you guys please stop?
The free ride's over.

You cannot come back
until you have gainful employment.

All right, fine. I'll get a job.

- Please.
- Okay, I'll go now.

No, no, whoa, just... No, no. Just lea...

Keep the clothes on, okay, buddy?

Keep the underwear.
Make them your interview underwear.

- Really?
- Yeah.

All right. Now I have three pairs.

Joseph, you're killing me.
You're killing me.

His second touchdown today.

- I am beating you.
- What?

- We are beating you.
- Who's we? What...?

Andre is beating you and I am helping.

That's really desperate.

All right, guys. This is problematic.

I know what the issue is here.
He's got the real Shiva.

I'm stuck with this trophy.
No way I can win.

I gotta change the energy up.

- Who's up for a field trip?
- Where?

- We're going to Shiva's house now.
- What?

- How do you know where she lives?
- Stole her address from Andre's phone.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Nicely played.

- Let's get something to eat.
- No, no.

Why are we gonna go out?
Let's just stay here and stay comfy.

And let me keep you all to me, okay?

And we can watch the game. Perfect.

Game?

Winter Olympics on?
I didn't know it was coming back.

- No, football.
- Oh, wow. All right. I don't really watch.

- Well, let me take a look at this, let's see.
- Okay.

Oh, you don't have
the NFL Super Fan package?

No, who cares? Really?

Well, I mean, who cares?
I mean, if you only got like one game.

What if I wanna watch
Kansas City and Cincinnati?

See how Cedric Benson does.

- Who's that?
- I don't know.

- Like, I'm just making up that name.
- Right.

Doesn't even... Well...

- Someone at the door?
- Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

Shivakamini.

- How are you?
- This is amazing.

Look who is here.

This is crazy. Did you do this?

This is why you wanted to stay in,
wasn't it?

Yes, yes, this is it.

Well, we just wanted to stop by
and see Shivakamini.

Please, just call me Shiva, really. Ha, ha.

Shiva.

- That has a nice ring to it.
- Strange.

We had a good time, didn't we?

You guys came to say hi.
See you guys later.

What? No, that is crazy, come on.

Come inside. Make yourselves at home.
Get comfortable.

We could come in for a little bit.

- How are you?
- Great.

My name is Taco,
and I wanna work here.

I just wanna hear about you.
What are you up to these days?

I'm a urologist,
specializing in genital reconstruction.

- Oh, so that's how you guys met?
- Ha. Rodney.

- Rodney.
- Ruxin.

- Rodney.
- Rodney.

Rodney works for us.

I have to say, I'm so happy
that you're back in our lives.

- You rule, I mean, come on...
- Hey, thank you.

- Put it up.
- Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

- Get over here, get over here.
- No, no, no.

She's all mine.

- Hi, Taco.
- What's up, boys?

- What the hell are you doing here?
- Pete gave me the address.

I like the new pad. Nice.

It's not my house, all right?
This is Shiva's house.

Taco.

- Shiva.
- Yeah.

Like the song...

- Shivaka...
- No... Ow.

- He's a musician.
- Taco's a musician.

And he has songs.

- And today, I got a real-person job.
- What?

- Yeah.
- Really?

I work at the Volkswagen dealership.

Yeah, and I really like it.

Hey, this morning,
I was making my own deodorant.

Now, look at me, huh?

Taco, would you like a drink?

- Absolutely.
- I will get you one.

- Taco, oh, my gosh.
- Thank you.

Okay, seriously,
this has to end right now.

- You have to leave.
- No, we're having fun.

You are not. You have to leave.

You have to leave right now.

- Wait, what are you doing?
- Just getting a little good luck charm.

No, no, no, you take nothing. Nothing.

You better watch out
because Ruxin went for the laundry room.

- Shit.
- Go, go, go.

- What's wrong with you over here?
- I am going crazy sitting next to her.

- What is your problem?
- Because I feel like I'm in Shiva's place.

And this would be
the ultimate Shiva blast.

- Oh, no, Shiva blast.
- Awesome?

Dude, l... All right.

- Hold it.
- I can't, it's like a giant dump.

You can hold it.

- Kevin, hold it.
- Oh, Shiva!

- Go outside.
- Shiva... I can't do it.

- I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it.
- Outside, now.

Did he just Shiva blast in here?

- I didn't hear anything, you hear anything?
- I don't know what he did.

- Give me this.
- This is such a great party.

- Thank you so much.
- Put that back.

- Do not shell-game me with your hoody.
- I'm not shell-gaming you.

- I have a hoody. I know how it works.
- Your hoody's orange with sequins.

Same thing. Thank you. Thank you.

Did you notice that girl looks exactly
like the girl on the trophy?

- You think? Yeah. Because she is.
- Yeah.

- Great job, brainiac. You figured it out.
- It's such a weird coincidence.

Shivakamini Somakandarkram!

So the Monday night game
decides the Shiva Bowl.

Just because we're going head-to-head
doesn't mean we can't enjoy...

...a gentlemanly lunch.

good, kind, gentlemanly competition.

Can I offer to buy you a beverage?
A beer perhaps?

Thank you, sir, but, no.

May I purchase you an ale
of any variety you choose?

I have an examination this afternoon.
So I will also have to decline.

Oh, I am very sorry to hear that.

- Who are you seeing?
- A specialist.

- Anyone I might know, perchance?
- Probably not.

Her name's Shiva.

No. No.

No, no, no.

What? I have swollen testicles.

She's the best in town.

I wanna have them fondled,
professionally.

Her hands are not going anywhere
near you.

- I don't know what's wrong.
- I'll look at your testicles for you.

I'd prefer
to have the specialist look at them.

I can see why Meegan left you.
I see it. I see it.

- Because you're duplicitous.
- What does that word mean?

- She is my girlfriend.
- She's my doctor.

She is not your doctor.

You have nothing wrong with your balls.

This is not about Fantasy Football.
This is about my girlfriend.

Mm-hm. And it's about my testicles...

...in your girlfriend's hands
in 30 minutes.

If you don't mind picking
up the check, that'd be great.

Oh, you think she'd check
my prostate if I asked?

Oh, no, no, no!

You know what? I'm gonna find Meegan,
I'm gonna get her to give me a hand job.

I don't even know where she lives.

All right. Let me take a look at her.

I don't know what happened.
It's from all the towing.

I see this kind of thing all the time.

- I'll have the boys look.
- Appreciate it.

I'm running to this meeting,
and it's a huge help.

Cannot thank you enough.

If you ever own a huge toy company...

...and it turns out your pacifiers
are made of Chinese lead, I'm your guy.

- Thank you.
- All right, let's...

Have a good meeting.

Okay.

- Yeah.
- Hey.

- What are you doing here?
- Came out to get a bit of air.

Get your overalls on,
grab your mop, get out there.

- A kid pissed all over the showroom floor.
- Again?

- Yeah. Let's go, go clean up.
- I'm on it, boss.

Gonna clean up some pee-pee
Cleaning up the pee-pee

And just so you know,
this is a very minor exam.

I'm sure everything's fine.
And it's going to go very quickly.

I don't think we need to go quick.

I'd rather leave knowing
we were very thorough.

Really got in there root around.
Do what it takes.

- Strictly professional.
- Absolutely.

- So tell me, have you had...?
- His balls are fine.

Oh, okay, great. So it didn't start.

- What are you doing?
- In the neighborhood.

You didn't pick up your phone.

- I'm at work.
- I know.

- So...
- You should check for emergencies.

And I just wanted to come in...

...and tell you, there's no need
to check his balls, his balls are fine.

His testicles, I'm sure, are fine.

That's what we're going to find out
if you'd give us a few minutes.

- Not sure what the problem is, Dr. Nozic.
- The problem is, you are a deviant.

- I'm not sure this ball-fondling is on the up...
- Testicles.

Testicle fondling is on the up and up.

- Why else would he be here?
- Yes, Andre.

Why else would I be here...

...if I was not concerned
about the welfare of my testicles?

Because he...
I don't know, you just gotta trust me.

- You have to trust me on this.
- Andre, you have to trust me too, okay?

- You're making the patient uncomfortable.
- Okay.

If this makes it easier, if you wanna stay
and watch, you know, that's fine.

I mean, I wouldn't mind getting
a second pair of eyes on these pair.

Andre, do you want to stay?

Yeah. Yeah.

- Would you walk me through the procedure?
- Sure.

I'm just basically going to be checking
on your testicles, one by one...

...making sure that
everything's in the right place.

Palpitating each, and
checking the scrotal sack.

To be clear,
my testicles will be in your hands.

Then you'll fondle the right one,
the left one, okay.

Anything near the shaft area...

...or the lower shaft?
- Definitely, the lower shaft.

- Sounds good.
- Great, all right.

Just relax. I'm going to lift your gown.

- Okay.
- It's a little cold.

All right. And they are asymmetrical.

And looking healthy so far.

- Okay.
- No sign of hernia.

And...

If you could just give me
a good, deep cough, please.

That's great.

Everything looks okay, all right.
You doing okay?

- No!
- What, Andre?

- I'm gonna kill you.
- Unprofessional.

- I'm gonna kill you.
- Unprofessional.

Ha, ha, ha. The king is dead.

The king is dead!

Oh, Lord. The king is dead. Ha, ha, ha.

Pete lost. We won. I'm gonna
take Shiva and make her mine.

And I'll deliver her to Andre tomorrow.
Oh, God.

- We won.
- Oh, Rodney!

Goddamn it!

- No.
- I forgot my keys.

- Get...
- Where are my keys?

- I don't know.
- In my pocket.

- They're in my pocket.
- Argh!

Oh, you son of a bitch.

I hate my friends!

Right.

- Good afternoon, miss.
- Hi.

- What are we looking at, the Jetta?
- How'd you know?

I had a feeling.

The car is made of 100-percent
hard material.

There's a V engine in there.
A certain amount of horsepower.

Here we got some tires.
They are ribbed, for the road's pleasure.

- How convenient.
- We got a option for a kayak holder...

...if you're interested.
- I don't think I would need it.

Say that now, but after a day of kayaking,
your arms will be tired. Think about it.

So if we're gonna talk prices, this model is
the deluxe model, little more expensive.

Lot of bells and whistles, but take out
the windshield, pull out the exhaust...

...and you knock $3000 off the total price.
- It's still a little steep.

I'll tell you what. There is one more package
I can offer you.

And I only offer it to special clients.

It is the Taco package,
and you save $8000 of the total price.

- And what's included in that package?
- I am.

How long are you including
the package for?

About a couple days, a week at most.
What do you say?

- So when do I actually pay for this?
- We'll talk about that over margaritas.

Hey, hey, hey!
Bring back that car, you asshole!

Damn it.

Oh, man.
What's going on with the car here?

Oh, Taco, you goddamn idiot.
I'm gonna...

Ugh!

Yeah, hello, roadside assistance?

Yeah, Ruxin.

No, no, no.
Well, you have to pick me up.

I've got premium plus.

What do you mean I used up
all of my miles?

Ugh! I should have used a fake name.

Oh, thank God it's a Mercedes. Hey.

- Hi.
- Rodney?

- Hey, people call me Ruxin.
- Hi.

- How are you?
- Are you going to Andre's?

- Yeah.
- Is your car okay?

Thank God.
No, my car broke down.

- Taco got his hands on it.
- Oh, what happened?

Oh, my God.

Is that my high school yearbook photo?

Look, I can explain.

But it's not gonna
make you feel any better.

- Hello?
- Shiva's here.

Oh, I'm coming down to meet you.
I can't wait to see that beautiful bitch.

Aha! See, I told you.

I make love to Shiva,
and then I get the Shiva.

Ugh!

You're such an asshole.

We're cool, right?

See you at the reunion.

I like her.

- Ruxin?
- Yeah?

Why's your name on the trophy?

Because we won.

Oh, Shiva.

This is by far
the most destructive season ever.

And I cannot wait to play next year,
because I shall be victorious!

- No.
- Yeah, I don't think so.

Why?

I got a little Shiva charm,
just to help me into the playoffs.

- You Robin Hood.
- Real Shiva hair too.

- You took that from her house?
- Yeah.

Poor choice, my friend, because
I stole a picture of her and her family.

- A couple generations of Shiva.
- What is this?

I got her silverware.

Because I actually needed silverware.

Taco, you don't need silverware.
You got a job now.

No, I got fired for stealing a car.

Oh. Great.

- Who's buzzing, what is it...?
- Oh, that's right.

- Oh, my God.
- Shiva's vibrator.

- Really?
- Horrible.

I had to get as close as I could.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah. That was inside.

Shivakamini

Somakandarkram

Shivakamini
Somakandarkram, hey

Shivakamini
Somakandarkram

Shivakamini Somakandarkram, hey!

Shivakamini Somakandarkram

Shivakamini Somakandarkram, hey!

Shivakamini Somakandarkram

Shivakamini Somakandarkram, hey!