The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (2015–…): Season 8, Episode 52 - Episode #8.52 - full transcript
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ACCORDING TO
A NEW SURVEY MORE AMERICANS PLAN
TO BUY GIFTS FOR THEIR PETS THAN
THEIR IN-LAWS. WHEN ASKED WHO
WOULD BE ON THEIR SHOPPING LIFT,
34% OF RESPONDENTS SAID MY DOG,
22% SAID MY CAT WHILE ONLY 19
PERCENT SAID IN-LAWS.
(TO THE TUNE OF "DECK THE
HALLS")
HALLS")
>> Announcer: IT'S THE LATE SHOW
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT: WRONG DESANTIS!
AND EMILY BLUNT TAKES THE
COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES
CHEF JOSEÉ ANDREÉS.
WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY
JEFF GOLDBLUM.
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE
LATE SHOW BAND.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEY, RIGHT OVER
THERE.
SORRY.
HELLO, HELLO, HELLO HELLO.
HELLO.
HAPPY WEDNESDAY.
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE
SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE ARE ONE MONTH PAST THE 2022
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WE ARE ONE MONTH PAST THE 2022
ELECTION, WHICH MEANS WE ARE
DEEP INTO THE 2024 ELECTION.
WE'VE ALREADY GOT SO MANY
FANTASTIC CANDIDATES FROM THE
OLD GUY
WITH RED TIE TO OLD GUY WITH
LUE TIE.
BUT THERE'S ONE LESS-OLD GUY
MAKING A NAME FOR HIMSELF IN THE
G.O.P.: FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON
DESANTIS, SEEN HERE WITH, LET'S
SAY, HIS MIAMI CAUGHT IN A VICE.
A NEW "WALL STREET JOURNAL" POLL
SAYS THAT, IN A HYPOTHETICAL
G.O.P. PRIMARY MATCHUP, DESANTIS
BEATS THE FORMER PRESIDENT 52 TO
38%.
YAY?
ALSO BOO?
HARD TO KNOW WHO TO ROOT FOR
HERE.
THAT'S LIKE A POLL BETWEEN
GONORRHEA AND A SLIGHTLY MORE
RACIST GONORRHEA.
(APPLAUSE)
, APOLOGIES TO GONORRHEA.
THIS IS ALL BECAUSE, WHAT WITH
THE INSURRECTIONS AND THE HITLER
DINNERS, ONLY THE MOST
CONSERVATIVE VOTERS ARE STILL
BACKING THE EX-PRESIDENT.
WHILE DESANTIS IS TROUNCING HIM
WITH VOTERS WHO CONSIDER
THEMSELVES ONLY "SOMEWHAT
CONSERVATIVE."
BASICALLY, THE FOLKS WHO DON'T
SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE, BUT THINK
ANDY COHEN DOES A GREAT JOB
HANDLING THOSE HOUSEWIVES.
SO, TO TAKE FULL COMMAND OF THE
G.O.P., ALL DESANTIS HAS TO DO
IS REEL IN THE COVETED
CONSERVATIVE DEMOGRAPHIC OF
"ANGRY CONSPIRACY Q-ANON
ALL-MEAT DIET TAN-YOUR-TESTICLE
BOYS."
AND HIS OPENING OFFER TO THEM
IS CALLING FOR A GRAND JURY
INVESTIGATION OF COVID VACCINES.
YOU STUPID MOTHER-PFIZER!
YOU WANT AN INVESTIGATION, LET
ME SAVE YOU SOME TIME AND MONEY.
IN THE U.S. ALONE, THE COVID
VACCINES HAVE SAVED MORE THAN
THREE MILLION LIVES AND HELPED
PREVENT 18.5 MILLION
HOSPITALIZATIONS.
AND IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH,
AND BECAUSE IDIOTS IN YOUR PARTY
POLITICIZED THE VACCINE,
ALMOST TWICE AS MANY REPUBLICANS
DIED FROM COVID BEFORE THE
MIDTERMS THAN DEMOCRATS.
Y'ALL KILLED YOUR VOTERS!
IT'S THE STUPIDEST POLITICAL
STRATEGY SINCE THE WHIGS' SLOGAN
OF 1840: "TIPPECANOE AND TAUNT A
GRIZZLY."
STILL, DESANTIS IS PUSHING AHEAD
ON THIS NONSENSE, BUT SINCE A
GOVERNOR DOESN'T HAVE THE POWER
TO IMPANEL A GRAND JURY, HE'S
TRYING TO GET HELP FROM THE
FLORIDA SUPREME COURT.
WHICH OF COURSE IS MADE UP OF
A GATOR ON A JET-SKI, A LEATHERY
DUDE WHO GIVES BACHELORETTE BOAT
TOURS, AND A CAN OF FOUR LOKO
WITH A D.U.I.
THAT DUDE LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.
WELL, IF DESANTIS IS GOING FULL
CONSPIRACY AND ATTACKING ANYONE
WHO PROMOTED THE VACCINE, I JUST
HOPE HE CRACKS DOWN ON WHOEVER
THIS GUY IS:
>> WE KNOW THAT THERE IS NO TIME
TO WASTE WHEN IT COMES TO
GETTING SHOTS IN ARMS.
THEY'RE SAFE, THEY'RE EFFECTIVE
VACCINES.
THE MESSAGING SHOULD BE GET A
VACCINE BECAUSE IT'S GOOD FOR
YOU TO DO IT.
IT WORKS.
THE VACCINES PROTECT YOU.
GET VACCINATED AND THEN LIVE
YOUR LIFE AS IF YOU'RE
PROTECTED.
THESE VACCINES ARE SAVING LIVES.
THEY ARE REDUCING MORTALITY.
THESE VACCINES MAKE IT SO YOUR
CHANCE OF SURVIVAL IS PRETTY
DOGGONE CLOSE TO 100%.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S
EVIDENCE IT CAUSES GENETIC SIDE
EFFECTS RIGHT THERE.
BECAUSE THIS GUY USED TO PROMOTE
THE VACCINE, BUT ONCE HE GOT IT,
TURNED INTO A HUGE DICK BAG.
SPEAKING OF DICK BAGS, TWITTER
TURNED INTO A HUGE DICK BAG.
SPEAKING OF DICK BAGS, TWITTER
C.E.O.
ELON MUSK, SEEN HERE COSPLAYING
AT LOBSTERFEST.
MUSK GOT SOME BAD NEWS THIS WEEK
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO BOTH FORBES
AND BLOOMBERG, ELON MUSK IS NO
LONGER THE WORLD'S RICHEST
PERSON.
DON'T WORRY, ELON.
YOU STILL HAVE YOUR SPARKLING
WIT AND PERSONALITY.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: MOST OF
MUSKS FORTUNE COMES FROM TESLA,
BUT IN THE LAST YEAR, TESLA
STOCK HAS LOST ABOUT 50% OF ITS
VALUE, IN PART BECAUSE MUSK'S
TWITTER POLITICS ARE ADDING
PRESSURE ON TESLA'S BRAND IMAGE.
AND IT DOESN'T HELP THAT THE NEW
MODEL X COMES PRE-LOADED WITH
KANYE'S TWEETS.
LIBERALS IN PARTICULAR ARE
HAVING A TOUGH TIME WITH TESLA.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS GRAPH OF
TESLA'S FAVORABILITY AMONG
DEMOCRATS: IT'S FINE UNTIL
OCTOBER WHEN HE BUYS TWITTER
AND WEEEE!
USUALLY FOR TESLA TO PLUNGE OFF
A CLIFF LIKE THAT IT HAS TO BE
IN SELF-DRIVING MODE.
-- YOU CAN COVER THAT, RIGHT?
OH YEAH, YOU GOT FLA, YOU GOT
THAT BABY.
NOT A GREAT BUSINESS STRATEGY TO
ALIENATE YOUR BEST CUSTOMERS.
LIBERALS BUY MORE ELECTRIC CARS.
THAT'D BE LIKE IF HOOTERS CAME
OUT WITH A STATEMENT SAYING
THEY'D SERVE ANYONE EXCEPT
DIVORCED DADS ON THEIR FIRST
CHRISTMAS WITHOUT THE KIDS.
AND WHO TOOK ELON'S PLACE?
THE NEW WORLD'S RICHEST MAN IS
FRENCH LUXURY FASHION MAGNATE
AND KEEBLER ELF ABOUT TO EAT
THAT OTHER KEEBLER ELF, BERNARD
ARNAULT.
AS IN:
(FRENCH ACCENT)
"ELON, YOU ARNAULT-LONGER THE
WORLD'S RICHEST MAN."
BUT AS BAD AS THINGS ARE FOR
TESLA, THEY'RE WORSE FOR
TWITTER.
IN FACT, TO CUT COSTS, TWITTER
HAS NOT PAID RENT FOR ANY OF ITS
GLOBAL OFFICES FOR WEEKS.
THAT'S NOT COST-CUTTING.
THAT'S BEING A DEADBEAT.
"LOOK, WE'RE FACING ECONOMIC
HEADWINDS, SO WHEN THE WAITER
BRINGS THE CHECK, HAUL ASS!"
(APPLAUSE)
SDZ THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
MUSK ISN'T JUST SKIPPING OUT ON
THE RENT.
TWITTER HAS ALSO REFUSED TO PAY
AN ALMOST $200,000 BILL FOR
PRIVATE CHARTER FLIGHTS MADE THE
WEEK OF HIS TAKEOVER.
WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO FLY PRIVATE.
I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
COMMERCIAL AIRLINES CHARGE
TO CHECK YOUR SINK?
BUT MUSK HAS A PLAN TO MAKE
MONEY-- HE'S GOING TO START
CHARGING TO GET VERIFIED, IT'S A
SERVICE CALLED "TWITTER BLUE."
THE WHOLE FUTURE OF THE COMPANY
IS RIDING ON IT, SO MONDAY, HE
INTRODUCED THIS AMAZING NEW
LOGO:
OKAY.
THAT'S EITHER THE NEW LOGO, OR A
CLOSE-UP A 1974 CHEVY VAN.
IF THIS VAN'S A ROCKIN', DON'T
COME A-KNOCKIN'.
'CUZ THERE'S NAZIS IN THERE.
TWITTER'S NOT THE ONLY SOCIAL
MEDIA APP IN TROUBLE.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, U.S.
LAWMAKERS INTRODUCED A BILL TO
BAN TIKTOK.
THE PUSH IS BEING LED BY FLORIDA
SENATOR AND BABY SEEING A BRIGHT
COLOR, MARCO RUBIO.
RUBIO'S BILL WOULD BAN SOCIAL
MEDIA APPS WITH AT LEAST ONE
MILLION USERS THAT ARE
BASED IN, OR UNDER THE
"SUBSTANTIAL INFLUENCE" OF
FOREIGN ADVERSARIES, INCLUDING
CHINA, RUSSIA, IRAN, AND NORTH
KOREA.
WHICH ALSO MEANS AMERICANS WOULD
NO LONGER BE ABLE TO USE NORTH
KOREA'S PREMIERE SOCIAL MEDIA
SITE: "LINKED-UN."
(APPLAUSE)
2022 IS WINDING DOWN, WHICH
MEANS WE GET TO BURN SOME TAPE
WITH A FUN, END-OF-YEAR ROUNDUP!
TODAY, WE GOT THE 10 ODDEST
GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS OF
THE YEAR.
WE GOT SOME GOOD ODD ONES, ALL
OF WHICH I PROMISE ARE REAL.
FIRST UP: THERE'S A NEW
WORLD RECORD FOR "FASTEST TIME
TO FIND AND ALPHABETIZE THE
LETTERS IN A CAN OF ALPHABET
SOUP:"
JACOB CHANDLER OF OREGON, WHO
ALPHABETIZED ALL THE LETTERS IN
ONLY TWO MINUTES AND 8.6
SECONDS.
BIG DEAL.
I DID IT EVEN FASTER WITH
SPAGHETTIOS.
ANOTHER BIG WINNER THIS YEAR: AT
AN EVENT IN OCTOBER, "JAPAN'S
SAME NAME ASSOCIATION OF
HIROKAZU TANAKAS," FOUNDED BY
HIROKAZU TANAKA, TOOK THE RECORD
FOR "LARGEST GATHERING OF PEOPLE
WITH THE SAME FIRST AND LAST
NAME."
THAT NAME?
HAROLD PETERSON.
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
THINKING: STEVE, THESE RECORDS
ARE GREAT, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE
NONE OF THEM HAVE TO DO WITH
BALANCING EGGS ON THE BACK OF
YOUR HAND.
WELL, SHUT UP, BECAUSE WE ALSO
HAVE A NEW RECORD HOLDER FOR
"MOST EGGS BALANCED ON THE BACK
OF THE HAND."
IT'S IBRAHEEM SADEQ OF IRAQ, WHO
MANAGED TO BALANCE 18 EGGS.
LET'S SEE HIM IN ACTION:
♪
LET'S SEE HIM IN ACTION:
♪
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: COME ON.
AMAZING.
AMAZING.
THAT'S A MOVE THEY CALL
"GUY AT THE GROCERY STORE WHO
WON'T GET A BASKET BECAUSE HE'S
ONLY GETTING A FEW EGGS."
ONE RECORD THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY
SHATTERED IN "MOST DRINK CANS
PLACED ON HEAD USING AIR
SUCTION," WHICH WENT TO JAMIE
KEETON OF WISCONSIN.
HERE HE IS:
HE ALSO SET THE RECORD FOR
"WORLD'S MOST UNCLE!"
ALL IN, KEETON GOT TEN CANS TO
STICK TO HIS HEAD AND FACE,
WHICH IS A LOT, BUT I HAVE ONE
QUIBBLE WITH JAMIE: WHY DID YOU
KEEP THE GOATEE?
THAT'S VITAL CAN-STICKING REAL
ESTATE!
FORGET A SOUL PATCH, YOU COULD
HAVE A TIN CHIN!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!
MY GUESTS ARE EMILY BLUNT AND
CHEF JOSEÉ ANDREÉS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
MEANWHILE!
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE
BAND, EVERYBODY.
LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW
BAND.
LOUIS, LOUIS, FOR THE PEOPLE
WATCHING AT HOME, WHO ARE WE
DELIGHTED TO HAVE WITH US.
>> WE HAVE THE HONOR OF
WELCOMING THE ONE, ONLY, GRAMMY
RECORDING ARTIST LALA HATHAWAY.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR BEING HERE.
(APPLAUSE)
AND I WILL COUNTER THAT WITH
WE'VE GOT THE LOVELY, THE
TALENTED EMILY BLUNT IS GOING TO
DO THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT
TONIGHT.
MARY POPPINS HERSELF.
AND OUR FRIEND AND YOURS, THE
WONDERFUL JOSE ANDRES IS GOING
TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE
WHILE WITH HIS THREE DAUGHTERS,
WITH HIS THREE DAUGHTERS TO GIVE
US SOME LITTLE COOKING.
THEY HAVE A COOKING SHOW NOW
ABOUT THEIR TRIP TO SPAIN.
AND AS LONG AS WE ARE TALKING
ABOUT JOSE HERE.
JOSE IS ONE OF THE FOUNDERS OF
WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN WHICH
HELPS PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE
WORLD.
HAS DELIVERED HUNDREDS OF
MILLIONS OF MEALS.
AND RIGHT NOW THEY'RE CONTINUING
TO WORK SO HARD O FEED THE
PEOPLE WHO ARE DISPLACED IN THE
UKRAINE.
AND WE HAVE LAUNCHED A CHARITY
EFFORT HERE ON THE SHOW.
YOU CAN GO GET ONE OF THE LATE
SHOW T-SHIRTS.
IT IS, IS POTATOE AND ALSO A
SAME LATE SHOW MUG RIGHT THERE,
AND IT SAYS IS POTATOE, RIGHT
THERE ON THE MUG.
GO GET THESE.
DO WE HAVE THE DWRKS R CODE?
WRITE THERE, YOU CAN HIT THAT QR
CODE RIGHT THERE, IT WILL TAKE
YOU TO THE WEBSITE.
ALL OF THE LATE SHOW'S PROCEEDS
WILL GO TO WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN
SUPPORTING THEIR MISSION IN
UKRAINE AND AROUND THE WORLD.
TOTALLY WORTHWHILE.
RIGHT THERE.
PLUS A REALLY GOOD LOOKING
PICTURE OF A POTATOE.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND MOST
OF MY TIME, CASTING THE DAY'S
MOST STRIKING STORY MODELS,
LIGHTING THE HIGHEST, SHARPEST
TOPICAL CHEEKBONES UNDER A
PRO-FOTO 2-D4 FLASH HEAD, AND A
PHOTEK SOFTLIGHTER II UMBRELLA
BEFORE AN OLIPHANT TERRACOTTA
BACKDROP AND CAPTURING THEM WITH
A MAMIYA RZ-67 TO CREATE FOR YOU
THE PENETRATING YET POIGNANT
ANNIE LEIBOVITZ PORTRAIT THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I BREAK INTO A
PETTING ZOO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
NIGHT, FEED THE ANIMALS A
COCKTAIL OF ADDERALL, BENADRYL,
AND MOUNTAIN DEW CODE RED THEN
STARTLE A GOAT JUST AS I SNAP
THE SHUTTER TO CREATE THE
BARNYARD MUGSHOT OF NEWS THAT IS
MY SEGMENT:
>> MEANWHILE!
(APPLAUSE)
SDZ THAT IS HYDROGEN IN MY
BALLOON.
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, HERE'S
THE LATEST FROM K-POP SUPERGROUP
BTS: JIN, THE ELDEST MEMBER, HAS
ENLISTED IN THE SOUTH KOREAN
ARMY.
BECAUSE KOREAN MEN ARE REQUIRED
TO ENLIST IN THE MILITARY BY AGE
28.
IN AMERICA, BY THE AGE OF 28,
ALL MEN MUST JOIN AN IMPROV
GROUP AND GET INTO HOME BREWING.
MEANWHILE, THERE'S BIG NEWS FROM
YEAR IS 'WOMAN.'
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: OKAY.
REALLY?
THE WORD OF THE YEAR DESCRIBES
HALF OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION?
WHICH YEAR ARE WE TALKING HERE?
1?
(AS CAVEMAN)
"GARG, I MET SOMEONE DIFFERENT.
WOMEN ARE OFFICIALLY IN THE
ZEITGEST BECAUSE OF MAJOR
STORIES LIKE THE SUPREME COURT'S
OVERTURNING OF ROE V. WADE, THE
IRAN PROTESTS, AND THE DEATH OF
QUEEN ELIZABETH II.
RIGHT.
BECAUSE WHEN QUEEN ELIZABETH
DIED WE WERE DEFINITELY GOOGLING
THE WORD WOMAN AND NOT "CORGIES,
EUTHANIZED, QUESTION MARK?"
I'M NOT SAYING I WOULD DO IT,
JUST CURIOUS.
MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE
UNCOVERED THE OLDEST KNOWN
NARRATIVE PIECE OF ART.
IT'S AN 11,000-YEAR-OLD CARVING
IN TURKEY THAT FEATURES A MAN
HOLDING HIS PHALLUS AS LEOPARDS
CORNER HIM.
IT'S A TALE OLD AS TIME.
ANYONE WHO'S EVER HAD A LEOPARD
SAFETY COURSE KNOWS...
IF YOU'RE EVER NAKED AND
ENCOUNTER A LEOPARD, HOLD YOUR
JUNK.
THAT'S A CHEETAH, I THINK THAT
WAS A CHEETAH.
MEANWHILE, "SCIENTISTS HAVE
DESIGNED A 'VAGINA ON A CHIP'."
GREAT, ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE
WEIRD CANADIAN FLAVORS.
FIRST KETCHUP, NOW THIS.
HOPEFULLY, THE VAGINA CHIP WILL
BE MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN THE LAST
GENITAL THEMED SNACK:
PRETZ-TICLES.
AND I'M BEING INFORMED THAT
THESE CHIPS ARE NOT FOR
SNACKING, BUT TISSUE GROWN ON
SILICONE TO SIMULATE THE VAGINAL
MICROBIOME FOR RESEARCH.
AND HARVARD'S DR. DONALD INGBER
IS VERY CONFIDENT ABOUT THE
QUALITY OF HIS SIMULATION,
BOASTING, "THIS WALKS, TALKS,
AND QUACKS LIKE A HUMAN VAGINA."
(LAUGHTER)
NOW HERE'S THE THING,
NOW, I DIDN'T GO TO HARVARD, BUT
I'M GONNA SAY THIS GUY IS NOT
THAT FAMILIAR WITH A HUMAN
VAGINA.
LET ME ASK YOU, DOC.
THESE VAGINAS, THAT YOU "KNOW
ABOUT", DO THEY LIKE BREAD
CRUMBS AND FLY SOUTH FOR THE
WINTER?
MEANWHILE, IT WAS ANNOUNCED
TODAY THAT AFTER DECADES OF
THINKING OTHERWISE, SURPRISE!
SNAKES HAVE CLITORISES.
REACHED FOR COMMENT, FEMALE
SNAKES SAID, "YESSSSSSSSSS."
RESEARCHERS THOUGHT THE ORGAN
DIDN'T EXIST, IN FACT, CBS NEWS
REPORTS IT TOOK MORE THAN A
CENTURY, BUT SCIENTISTS FINALLY
FOUND IT.
THAT'S A LONG TIME COMING.
FOUND IT.
THAT'S A LONG TIME COMING.
OR NOT, IF YOU'RE A FEMALE
SNAKE.
AND THE NEWS IS EXTRA EXCITING
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT SNAKES HAVE
TWO INDIVIDUAL CLITORISES--
HEMICLITORES-- SEPARATED BY
TISSUE AND HIDDEN BY SKIN ON THE
UNDERSIDE OF THE TAIL.
SO SNAKES WENT FROM HAVING NO
CLITORIS TO HAVING TWO?
BONUS!
THAT'S LIKE REACHING INTO THE
POCKET OF A JACKET YOU HAVEN'T
WORN IN A WHILE AND FINDING TWO
CLITORISES.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I DEBUT THE
NEWEST CELEBRITY CHRISTMAS
ALBUM.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
LOUIS, BEFORE I FORGET, I WANT
TO LET EVERYBODY KNOW THAT
TOMORROW NIGHT YOU AND THE BAND
ARE DOING A SPECIAL PERFORMANCE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW
NIGHT.
>> WE'RE DOINGS OUR OWN
ARRANGEMENT OF STEVIE WONDERS,
SOME DAY AT CHRISTMAS.
>> Stephen: CHECK THAT OUT
TOMORROW NIGHT.
BECAUSE HERE'S THE THING,
CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE: THE
BELLS ARE JINGLING, THE EGGS ARE
NOGGING, CHRISTMAS MUSIC IS BACK
IN ROTATION.
AND THERE IS A CAROL FOR
EVERYONE, WHETHER YOU LIKE
TENDER BALLADS ABOUT THE ARRIVAL
OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, OR
TOE-TAPPIN' CHRISTMAS DITTIES
ABOUT KIDS BEGGING SANTA FOR
TEETH.
AND THIS YEAR ALONE, THERE ARE
NEW HOLIDAY ALBUMS FROM ALICIA
KEYS, JOSS STONE, GLORIA
ESTEFAN, ANDREA BOCELLI, CHRIS
ISAAK AND DOZENS OF OTHERS.
BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
THINKING: STEVE, WHEN ARE WE
GONNA GET A HOLIDAY ALBUM FROM
THE ONE ARTIST MOST CLOSELY
ASSOCIATED WITH THE CHRISTMAS
SEASON?
STAR OF "JURASSIC PARK" AND "THE
FLY," JEFF GOLDBLUM.
WELL, THE WAIT IS OVER.
LET THE GOLD-BLUM.
>> THERE ARE TWO THINGS THAT
MAKE EVERYBODY HAPPY, CHRISTMAS
MUSIC AND JEFF GOLDBLUM.
>> HI, JEFF GOLDBLUM HERE, MERRY
CHRISTMAS.
>> STAY MERRY GOLDBLUM CHRISTMAS
FEATURING HOLIDAY FAVORITES LIKE
THE 12 DAITION OF CHRISTMAS.
>> ON THE FIRST DAY OF
CHRISTMAS.
♪ MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME.
♪ A PARTRIDGE, A PARTRIDGES, DID
YOU KNOW, DID ANYBODY KNOW THIS,
PARTRIDGES TRADITIONALLY LIVE IN
GRASS LANDS-- I JUST FOUND THAT
OUT RECENTLY.
BUT SPEAKING OF PARTRIDGES, WHO
KNOWS ABOUT THE PARTRIDGE
FAMILY.
>> IT'S CHRISTMAS CLASSICS THE
GOLDBLUM WAY.
>> NOW UP TO THE SECOND DAY OF
CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO
ME, TRUE LOVE, THERE ARE A LOT
OF KINDS OF TRUE LOVE.
WELL, ROMANTIC LOVE, OF COURSE.
FRATERNAL LOVE, THERE IS
PLATONIC LOVE AND OF OF COURSE
THERE IS KOURTNEY LOVE, SHE AND
I RAN INTO EACH OTHER.
>> JEFF, JEFF, SORRY TO CUT IN.
BUT CAN WE GET BACK TO THE SONG.
>> SURE.
OKAY.
YES, OKAY.
BACK TO THE-- BACK TO THE MUSIC.
>> PLENTY OF INTERRUPTIONS.
>> TEN LORDS A LEAPIN.
NINE LADIES DANCING.
EIGHT MADES A MILLIN.
MILK, HEY, EXCUSE ME, IF I TALK
ABOUT MILK FOR A SECOND.
THIS IS A.
>> JEFF, WE HAVE A LOT TO GET
DONE.
CAN WE PLEASE STICK TO THE SONG.
>> OKAY, OKAY.
>> NO TANGENTS.
>> IT WAS MORE OF AN ANECDOTE
THAN TANGENT.
MILK, MILK, LEMONADE, FINISH
THAT POEM.
>> AROUND THE CORNER FUDGE IS
MADE.
>> YES, AROUND THE CORNER FUDGE
IS MADE, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED A
QUESTION MARK, YOU KNOW DAMN
WELL AROUND THE CORNER A FUDGE
IS MADE.
>> AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR--
LIME?
IT'S A PEAR-- WHAT.
>> TREE.
>> BRIE?
>> TREE OH, TREE, I THOUGHT YOU
SAID BRIE.
IF I WAS A KIND OF CHEESE, WHAT
WOULD I BE, WHAT DO YOU THINK.
>> BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, IT'S 14
HOURS LONG, A VERY GOLDBLUM
CHRISTMAS.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU TO JEFF
GOLDBLUM FOR BEING THE MOST JEFF
WHO HAS EVER GOLDBLUM-ED.
AND CHECK OUT "THE CHRISTMAS
WALTZ," AN ACTUAL CHRISTMAS
SONG BY JEFF GOLDBLUM AND THE
MILDRED SNITZER ORCHESTRA.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE
COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO EMILY
BLUNT.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
HERE, EMILY BLUNT, STALLS A
PLEASURE HAVING YOU HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> IT SAY TON OF FUN, I'M A BIG
FAN OF YOU AND OF OF COURSE YOUR
HUSBAND, AND WE HAVE HAD A
CHANCE TO HAVE SOCIAL TIME
OUTSIDE OF HERE T HAS BEEN WAY
TOO LONG.
>> IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG.
>> Stephen: BUT I FEEL LIKE
THIS IS WHERE YOU GOT TO GET TO
KNOW SOMEBODY.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: WHEN THE AUDIENCE
IS WATCHING THAT IS WHEN.
>> REAL INTIMACY HAPPENS.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY RIGHT.
BUT THE PROBLEM IS WE DON'T HAVE
ENOUGH TIME TO GET DOWN TO IT.
>> WE'LL GET DOWN TO IT.
>> Stephen: AT THE LATE SHOW
QUESTION CAME UP WITH A THING
CALLED THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
THE PEOPLE KNOW.
THE PEOPLE KNOW.
THESES ARE 15 QUESTIONS THAT
HAVE BEEN CALIBRATED
SPECIFICALLY TO PENETRATE OUR
PSYCHIC DEFENSES AND ACTUALLY
REVEAL THAT PERSON TO THE WORLD
AT LARGE.
AND TO BE KNOWN, SCARY?
BUT IT'S SUCH A RELIEF WHEN YOU
FINALLY DON'T HAVE TO.
>> I WILL FEEL MUCH LIGHTER.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU READY TO
TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
>> SO READY.
>> Stephen: EMILY BLUNT.
>> YEAH SDZ WHAT IS THE BEST
SANDWICH.
>> CUBAN SANDWICH.
>> Stephen: DESCRIBE TO PEOPLE
WHAT A CUBAN SANDWICH IS.
IT'S PORK.
>> PORK, HAM, MAYO, PICKLE,
SOMETHING SPICY IN IT.
AND I LIKE POTATOE CHIPS IN IT.
>> Stephen: I LIKE YOURS
CONTAINS BOTH PORK AND HAM.
>> IT DOES, BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT
THE PORKS AND THE SLICED HAM.
AND CHEESE.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> YEAH?
>> Stephen: AND PROBABLY IT'S
LATE AT NIGHT.
>> OH, SO LATE.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE ONE
THING THAT YOU OWN THAT YOU
SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT?
>> UM, OH GOD, A REALLY
TERRIBLE, A REALLY TERRIBLE OLD
ROYAL BLUE VELVET JACKET AND I
DON'T WEAR IT BUT I WORE T I
WORE IT ON JOHN AND I'S FIRST
DATED AND HAVE I NOT THROWN IT
OUT.
>> Stephen: YOU SHOULDN'T
THROW IT OUT.
>> I KNOW, BUT IT'S SUCH AN
AWFUL JACKET T SITS THERE, THAT
IS A TERRIBLE JACKET.
>> Stephen: IT WAS A TERRIBLE
JACKET THEN.
>> IT PROBABLY WAS BUT I THINK I
WAS BLIND TO IT.
>> Stephen: AND EVIDENTLY HE
WAS TOO.
>> AND I WAS LIKE LOOKING GOOD.
>> Stephen: HE WENT ON A
SECOND DATE AFTER THAT TERRIBLE
JACKET.
>> HE SENT ME A MEMO AND SAID
DON'T WEAR THE JACKET AND WILL
YOU GET ANOTHER DATE.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE
SCARIEST ANIMAL.
>> A COCKROACH.
>> Stephen: A COCKROACH.
>> Stephen: ARE WE TALKING
LIKE THESE NEW YORK COCKROACHES
OR LITTLE THINGS OR THE PALMETTO
BUGS.
>> I WAS JUST IN ATLANTA FOR 11
WEEKS.
AND THERE WAS A BIT OF AN
INFESTATION AT MY HOUSE.
>> Stephen: EVERYWHERE, LOVELY
HOUSES.
>> AND I'VE NEVER BEEN THE SAME
SINCE.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES.
>> APPLESES.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER
ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR
AUTOGRAPH?
>> NO.
LOOK, A SORT OF A GRUMBLE.
>> Stephen: IT WASN'T A
GRUMBLE.
I WONDER WHAT THAT SAYS ABOUT
HER.
>> DOES SHE THINK SHE'S SO MUCH
BETTER THAN EVERYONE.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK
HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> I THINK WE GO SOMEWHERE MORE
BEAUTIFUL.
THAT'S WHAT I TELL MYSELF.
I HOPE.
I WANT THAT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> OH GOD, NOW I FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE LIKE OKAY, THAT'S NOT
TRUE BUT-- .
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW T
DOESN'T MATTER.
>> YOU SORT OF PITIED ME.
>> Stephen: WHAT HELD ME BACK
IS LIKE IS IT MORE BEAUTIFUL.
>> THE WORLD IS A VERY BEAUTIFUL
PLACE.
>> VERY BEAUTIFUL BUT I FEEL
LIKE MAYBE ST EUPHORIC
BEAUTIFUL.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> YEAH?
>> Stephen: I WILL SEND YOU
SOME LINKS TO SOME REALLY GREAT
RESORTS.
>> OKAY, GREAT F IT HAS A WATER
SLIDE PARK I'M IN.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION
MOVIE.
>> OH MY GOD, WHAT IS IT?
LAD, COME ON, AND IT'S A SHOW.
FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE, DOES
INDIANA JONES COUNT, RAIDERS OF
THE LAST ARC.
>> Stephen: IT COUNT, RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARC.
THERE YOU GO.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WINDOW OR AISLE.
>> AISLE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A
RAISALE.
>> BECAUSE I NEED TO PEE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT AND I
DON'T WANT TO BE SHUFFLING PAST
SOMEONE, DOING THAT.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL.
>> MY CHILDREN WHEN THEY WAKE
UP, THEY SMELL SO GOOD.
WHY DO THEY SMELL SO SWEET.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE THEY.
>> THEY ARE SIX AND EIGHT.
>> Stephen: WAIT UNTIL THEY
ARE 14.
>> I KNOW, I KNOW.
>> Stephen.
>> THEY SMELL SO YUMMY RIGHT
NOW.
>> Stephen: LEAST FAVORITE
SMELL?
>> A MAN'S BATHROOM. YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU REALLY NEED TO GO, LIKE
THIS IS-- WHEN YOU REALLY NEED
TO GO, ONLY THE MEN'S IS
AVAILABLE, I'M LIKE THIS-- GOING
IN. AND I FEEL LIKE-- .
>> Stephen: SO ARE WE.
WE KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN
THERE.
>> WHY DOES IT SMELL SO BAD.
>> Stephen: ST A MUSK.
>> I DON'T LIKE THAT WORD.
>> Stephen: I DON'T LIKE THAT
WORD.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: THE MOIST MUSK.
>> MOIST MUSK, THAT IS A NO-NO,
ISN'T IT?
>> Stephen: CATS OR DOGS.
>> OH WOW, NO T IS BECAUSE I AM
ALLERGIC TO CATS AS WELL.
>> Stephen: OKAY, CATS OR
HORSES?
>> HORSES.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
HORSES OR DOGS.
>> [BLEEP] I WILL SAY DOGS CUZ I
CN GET BY WITHOUT HAVING TO
TAKE A PILL.
YEAH.
>> Stephen: DO YOU ONLY GET
ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE
REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT?
>> LA VIE ENROSE.
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF?
>> 36.
>> Stephen: NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
IN FIVE WORSED.
>> IT WILL HOPEFULLY BE BLISSFUL
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU ARE KNOWN.
THE ENGLISH IS ON PRIME VIDEO.
THE YOUNG LADY IS EMILY BLUNT,
EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW,
ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
I'M JOINED NOW BY MY FRIEND CHEF
JOSEÉ ANDREÉS AND HIS DAUGHTERS,
WHO ALL STAR IN THE NEW SERIES
"JOSEÉ ANDREÉS AND FAMILY IN
SPAIN."
PLEASE WELCOME JOSEÉ, CARLOTA,
INEÉS, AND LUCIÍA ANDREÉS!
OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, IT IS THE
HOLIDAYS SO EVERYBODY, IT MEANS
COOKING WITH FAMILY, WHAT IS IT
LIKE TO COOK WITH YOUR FATHER,
GIRLS?
>> OH MY GOSH, CHAOS.
>> DO YOU COOK WITH HIM A LOT.
>> WE'RE IN THE KITCHEN A LOT.
COOKING, I'M NOT SO GOOD AT.
>> Stephen: IS HE BOSSY IN THE
KITCHEN.
>> VERY, VERY BOSSY.
>> WELL, HE DOESN'T LET US DO
ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO
RESPOND.
>> IS THIS A PSYCHOLOGIST CLASS,
I LET YOU DO EVERYTHING.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I'M QUICKER.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF QUICK,
LET'S GETS TO IT, WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO TODAY, FIRST
CARLOTA, TELL ME WHAT WE HAVE
HERE.
>> APPARENTLY WE'RE COOKING
HAM-- QUUTING HAM, THIS IS
REALLY BIG FOR ME BECAUSE WE
NEVER, EVER, EVER LET US TOUCH
THE PIG, LIKE AT HOME, EVER.
>> Stephen: SO THIS IS HAMMON
IBERICO.
>> YOUR ENGLISH HAS TO GET
BETTER, STEPHEN.
YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M WORKING ON IT.
>> AND THIS IS HAM.
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE
GREATEST HAM IN THE WORLD.
>> IT IS ACORNS.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES THAT
MEAN.
>> YOU KNOW ACORNS.
>> Stephen: FROM A TREE.
>> FROM THE OAKTREE, EVERY
SEPTEMBER THEY BEGIN FALLING
DOWN, WHY BECAUSE THEY SAY I'M
TIRED OF BEING ON THE TREE, I
WANT TO GO DOWN.
SO THEY GO DOWN.
AND WHEN THEY GO DOWN THEY
RELEASE THE PIG, AND THEY BEGIN
ETING THE ACORNS, AND THEY
BEGIN COMING FATTY AND FATTY AND
FATTY AND SWEETER AND HAPPY, AND
WHEN THEY ARE HAPPY AND FATTY WE
MURDER THEM.
>> LOOK HOW GOOD HE COOKED THE
HAM.
>> Stephen: HOW IS THAT, HOW
IS MY CUT.
>> AND THIS IS WHAT SEPARATES
THE HAM FROM ANY OTHER COUNTRY
IN THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: THIS IS BETTER
THAN PROCIUTTON MY OPINION.
>> DEFINITELY, I AGREE WITH YOU.
>> ST BETTER.
I LOVE MY ITALIAN COUNTERPARTS
BUT YOU CANNOT COMPARE THEM.
PRO OSCIUTTO IS GREAT FOR THAT.
BUT THIS IS YOU EAT THIS AND
YOUR LIFE CHANGES FOREVER.
>> Stephen: IN PROSH OUTO YOU
DON'T GET THE HOOF.
I LIKE ANY FOOD WHEN I'M DONE,
CAN I MAKE CLOGS.
>> IN SPAIN YOU CAN BUY WITH THE
WHOLE HOOVE BUT HERE THEY DO THE
MANICURE.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> TOO MUCH.
>> Stephen: PEDESTRIAN CARE,
TECHNICALLY SPEAKING.
>> LOOK HOW GOOD, LOOK AT THIS
CULT.
>> OH MY GOD.
>> THIS IS GOOD, THE FACT THAT
I'M CUTTING THIS HAM, THIS SAY
RITE OF PASSAGE.
>> Stephen: SO HOW DID YOU
START WORKING ON THE SHOW
TOGETHER.
HOW DID IT COME ABOUT?
>> DURING THE PANDEMIC, WHAT
HAPPENED DURING THE PANDEMIC?
>> WE COOKED IN THE KITCHEN.
>> WE PUT IT WHERE.
>> ON INSTAGRAM.
WE WERE DOING RECIPES FOR THE
PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE
ORCHESTRATING THEM.
IS THIS YOUR PARENTING STYLE,
YOU POINT AT THEM AND MAKE THEM
TALK.
>> YEAH STRKS LIKE MONTESSORI.
IT IS SO MUCH FUN.
>> Stephen: HOW OFTEN,
CARLOTA, IS THE MEAL IN YOUR
FAMILY JUST CUTTING UP A LEG.
>> EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
>> DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU HAD
TO DO THAT PAPER.
>> FOR MY COLLEGE ESSAY I WROTE
ABOUT.
>> YOU HAD TO WRITE ABOUT THE
WHAT.
>> SO IN THIRD GRADE WE HAD TO
WRITE ABOUT A PET, OUR HOUSEHOLD
PET, WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY, BUT WE
HAD A LEG.
>> Stephen: HAM LEG.
>> IT TH IS HOW CREATIVE MY
DAUGHTER BECAME BY BEING MY
DAUGHTER.
>> Stephen: DID YOU NAME THE
HAM LEG.
>> I DON'T REMEMBER, I HOPE I
DIDN'T.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: NOW WHAT ARE WE
DOING HERE, WHO ARE THESE LITTLE
FELLOWS RIGHT HERE.
>> KNEES AREN'T OUR PETS, THESE
ARE JUST FOOD.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> SOME SHRIMP, WE'RE GOING TO
MAKE A TYPICAL DISH, BECAUSE WE
ACTUALLY COOK IN THE LAST
EPISODE.
THESE ARE SHRIMP AND WHAT AM I
DOING WITH THEM.
>> I AM THE CHEF OR YOU ARE THE
CHEF, YOU FOLLOW ME.
>> Stephen: YOU YOU HAVE TO BE
BOGSY LIKE YOUR DAD.
>> YOU PUT FOIL IN THE PAN AND
THEN ADD THE GARLIC.
>> Stephen: GARLIC, THERE YOU
GO.
>> AND THEN ADD SOME OF THE
CHILI PEPPER YOU HAVE OVER
THERE.
>> THEY ARE VERY NICE.
>> YOU SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING,
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE GARLIC?
>> Stephen: IT'S SINGING.
>> THE OLIVE OIL IS.
>> IT'S DANCING.
>> ST NOT SIPGING, IT'S DANCING.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW, I
DON'T KNOW, JOSE, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOU.
>> AND NOW IN THIS MOMENT YOU
ADD THE SHRIMP.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY.
>> THREE OR FOUR, AND THEN YOU
PUT SOME SALT INSIDE-- .
>> Stephen: HOW MUCH SALT DO I
PUT IN.
>> YOU PUT SALT UNTIL THE SHRIMP
TELLS YOU NO MORE.
A LITTLE BIT MORE.
HE DIDN'T TELL YOU ANYTHING YET.
AND THIS, MY FRIEND, IS THE MOST
ICONIC SPANISH TAPA EVER.
>> Stephen: DO I BACK OFF.
>> NO, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHY-- I
WILL SHOW IT TO YOU.
>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY NICE.
>> THAT'S IT, MY FRIEND.
>> Stephen: ALMOST DONE.
>> NO, YOU DON'T WANT TO
OVERCOOK THEM N THIS MOMENT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> I WILL DRK DRK.
>> YOU KNOW YOU BLEW OP IT.
YOU YOU KNOW HOW MANY-- TESTS TO
COME OP YURP SHOW, I DID THREE
TESTS IN THE LEFT, THREE IN THE
MOUTH, ONE IN MY MOUTH, I DON'T
WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT ELSE.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS IT LIKE
DOING THE SHOW WITH YOUR DAD?
WAS IT FUN OR WAS THERE PRESSURE
>> DEFINITELY PRESSURE BUT I
LEARNED THAT WORKING WITH FAMILY
REALLY ISN'T THAT BAD.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
WAS WAS THAT A SURPRISE.
>> YEAH, THEY ALWAYS SAY BE
CAREFUL WORKING WITH FAMILY.
I THINK IT TURNED OUT PRETTY
WELL.
>> Stephen: WHEN ARE WE DOING
THE NEXT ONE.
>> A PERFECT IMPERFECTION.
>> Stephen: YOU, THE FAMILY
IS.
>> YEAH.
>> WHAT ARE WE DOING.
>> WE ARE DOING A ROAST CON
LECHE.
>> NOW YOU SOUND, I WANT TO
MATCH-- .
>> Stephen: ARRO CON LECHE.
>> YOUR ENGLISH IS GETTING
BETTER BY THE MINUTE, SO NOW
THIS IS VERY HOT, LOOK HOW HOT
ST.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> YOU ARE GOING TO PUT SUGAR ON
TOP.
WHAT IS THIS?
RICE AND MILK THAT YOU COOK FOR
ONE HOUR, WITH CINNAMON.
>> Stephen: ST RICE PUDDING.
>> AROZ CON LECHE.
RICE PUDDING.
>> Stephen: DO, IS THIS CUZ IN
THE UNITED STATES, THIS GETS
SERVED AT THE RETIREMENT HOME.
IS THIS-- .
>> SO THIS IS HOW WE DO IT.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG DO I PUT
IT ON.
>> UNTIL THE RICE TELLS YOU
ENOUGH.
I MEAN WHEN YOU SEE THIS, IT IS
READY BECAUSE ARE YOU GETTING
THE SMOKE.
ARE YOU BECOMING THE DESSERT.
ARE YOU LIKE A SWEET-- .
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.
>> THAT'S IT, THAT'S TOO MUCH.
>> Stephen: YOU DO THE SAME.
>> NOW WHAT HAPPENS IS THIS
THESE BECOME A-- STH'S LIKE A B
BB RROULLE.
>> AROZ CON LECHE.
>> WHY YOU CHANGE THE NAMES OF
THINGS, THIS IS NOT BROULLE.
STH AROZ CON LECHE.
>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU GET
AROUND SPAIN.
>> WE DROVE A LOT.
>> Stephen: IS HE A GOOD
DRIVER.
>> ABSOLUTELY NO AT THE FIRST
MOMENT WE GET IN THE CAR, FIRST
TRIP, RIGHT WHEN HE ISING TO
ADJUST THE REARVIEW MIRROR T
JUST POPS RIGHT OFF.
>> Stephen: THAT SEEMS LIKE ST
NT HIS FAULT THOUGH.
>> SHOW IT WAS.
>> IT WAS HIS FAULT.
>> I'M A VERY GOOD DRIVER.
I AM PROBABLY THE BEST DRIVER IN
THE HISTORY OF DRIVERS.
IN FACT, I AM A VERY
GOOD-- YEAH, YEAH, I AM.
>> Stephen: I WISH YOU HAD
MORE CONFIDENCE.
>> AND I'M THE PERFECT CHEF.
EVERYTHING I COOK IS PERFECT,
RIGHT, IT'S PERFECT.
>> NEVER SALTY.
>> NO, NO NO.
>> WHAT?
>> BUT YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: DOES HE OVERSALT.
>> HIS TRICK IS THAT WHATEVER
HAPPENS, HE JUST CHANGES THE
NAME OF THE RECIPE.
IF IT DOESN'T GO AS PLANNED.
>> OH MY GOD.
>> YEAH.
>> OH MY GOD.
>> Stephen: SO WHAT DO YOU
HOPE PEOPLE TAKE FROM THE SHOW,
JOSE?
>> THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS WHEN
YOU ARE WITH FAMILY, EVERY
SINGLE MOMENT, THE GOOD ONES AND
THE ONES THAT SOMETIMES THEY ARE
STRANGE, BECAUSE BEING WITH
FAMILY TOGETHER CAN BE
STRESSFUL, RIGHT, LADIES.
>> A LITTLE.
>> SO WITH THIS SHOW, FAMILY IS
FAMILY NO MATTER WHAT.
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
JOSE.
THEIR NEW SERIES,
"JOSEÉ ANDREÉS AND FAMILY IN
SPAIN," DEBUTS DECEMBER 27th ON
DISCOVERY PLUS.
THE ANDREÉS FAMILY, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE
LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE ANDERSON COOPER AND ANDY
COHEN, AND WE'LL HAVE A SPECIAL
PERFORMANCE BY LOUIS CATO AND
THE LATE SHOW BAND.
GOOD NIGHT.
---
ACCORDING TO
A NEW SURVEY MORE AMERICANS PLAN
TO BUY GIFTS FOR THEIR PETS THAN
THEIR IN-LAWS. WHEN ASKED WHO
WOULD BE ON THEIR SHOPPING LIFT,
34% OF RESPONDENTS SAID MY DOG,
22% SAID MY CAT WHILE ONLY 19
PERCENT SAID IN-LAWS.
(TO THE TUNE OF "DECK THE
HALLS")
HALLS")
>> Announcer: IT'S THE LATE SHOW
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT: WRONG DESANTIS!
AND EMILY BLUNT TAKES THE
COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES
CHEF JOSEÉ ANDREÉS.
WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY
JEFF GOLDBLUM.
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE
LATE SHOW BAND.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEY, RIGHT OVER
THERE.
SORRY.
HELLO, HELLO, HELLO HELLO.
HELLO.
HAPPY WEDNESDAY.
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE
SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE ARE ONE MONTH PAST THE 2022
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WE ARE ONE MONTH PAST THE 2022
ELECTION, WHICH MEANS WE ARE
DEEP INTO THE 2024 ELECTION.
WE'VE ALREADY GOT SO MANY
FANTASTIC CANDIDATES FROM THE
OLD GUY
WITH RED TIE TO OLD GUY WITH
LUE TIE.
BUT THERE'S ONE LESS-OLD GUY
MAKING A NAME FOR HIMSELF IN THE
G.O.P.: FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON
DESANTIS, SEEN HERE WITH, LET'S
SAY, HIS MIAMI CAUGHT IN A VICE.
A NEW "WALL STREET JOURNAL" POLL
SAYS THAT, IN A HYPOTHETICAL
G.O.P. PRIMARY MATCHUP, DESANTIS
BEATS THE FORMER PRESIDENT 52 TO
38%.
YAY?
ALSO BOO?
HARD TO KNOW WHO TO ROOT FOR
HERE.
THAT'S LIKE A POLL BETWEEN
GONORRHEA AND A SLIGHTLY MORE
RACIST GONORRHEA.
(APPLAUSE)
, APOLOGIES TO GONORRHEA.
THIS IS ALL BECAUSE, WHAT WITH
THE INSURRECTIONS AND THE HITLER
DINNERS, ONLY THE MOST
CONSERVATIVE VOTERS ARE STILL
BACKING THE EX-PRESIDENT.
WHILE DESANTIS IS TROUNCING HIM
WITH VOTERS WHO CONSIDER
THEMSELVES ONLY "SOMEWHAT
CONSERVATIVE."
BASICALLY, THE FOLKS WHO DON'T
SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE, BUT THINK
ANDY COHEN DOES A GREAT JOB
HANDLING THOSE HOUSEWIVES.
SO, TO TAKE FULL COMMAND OF THE
G.O.P., ALL DESANTIS HAS TO DO
IS REEL IN THE COVETED
CONSERVATIVE DEMOGRAPHIC OF
"ANGRY CONSPIRACY Q-ANON
ALL-MEAT DIET TAN-YOUR-TESTICLE
BOYS."
AND HIS OPENING OFFER TO THEM
IS CALLING FOR A GRAND JURY
INVESTIGATION OF COVID VACCINES.
YOU STUPID MOTHER-PFIZER!
YOU WANT AN INVESTIGATION, LET
ME SAVE YOU SOME TIME AND MONEY.
IN THE U.S. ALONE, THE COVID
VACCINES HAVE SAVED MORE THAN
THREE MILLION LIVES AND HELPED
PREVENT 18.5 MILLION
HOSPITALIZATIONS.
AND IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH,
AND BECAUSE IDIOTS IN YOUR PARTY
POLITICIZED THE VACCINE,
ALMOST TWICE AS MANY REPUBLICANS
DIED FROM COVID BEFORE THE
MIDTERMS THAN DEMOCRATS.
Y'ALL KILLED YOUR VOTERS!
IT'S THE STUPIDEST POLITICAL
STRATEGY SINCE THE WHIGS' SLOGAN
OF 1840: "TIPPECANOE AND TAUNT A
GRIZZLY."
STILL, DESANTIS IS PUSHING AHEAD
ON THIS NONSENSE, BUT SINCE A
GOVERNOR DOESN'T HAVE THE POWER
TO IMPANEL A GRAND JURY, HE'S
TRYING TO GET HELP FROM THE
FLORIDA SUPREME COURT.
WHICH OF COURSE IS MADE UP OF
A GATOR ON A JET-SKI, A LEATHERY
DUDE WHO GIVES BACHELORETTE BOAT
TOURS, AND A CAN OF FOUR LOKO
WITH A D.U.I.
THAT DUDE LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.
WELL, IF DESANTIS IS GOING FULL
CONSPIRACY AND ATTACKING ANYONE
WHO PROMOTED THE VACCINE, I JUST
HOPE HE CRACKS DOWN ON WHOEVER
THIS GUY IS:
>> WE KNOW THAT THERE IS NO TIME
TO WASTE WHEN IT COMES TO
GETTING SHOTS IN ARMS.
THEY'RE SAFE, THEY'RE EFFECTIVE
VACCINES.
THE MESSAGING SHOULD BE GET A
VACCINE BECAUSE IT'S GOOD FOR
YOU TO DO IT.
IT WORKS.
THE VACCINES PROTECT YOU.
GET VACCINATED AND THEN LIVE
YOUR LIFE AS IF YOU'RE
PROTECTED.
THESE VACCINES ARE SAVING LIVES.
THEY ARE REDUCING MORTALITY.
THESE VACCINES MAKE IT SO YOUR
CHANCE OF SURVIVAL IS PRETTY
DOGGONE CLOSE TO 100%.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S
EVIDENCE IT CAUSES GENETIC SIDE
EFFECTS RIGHT THERE.
BECAUSE THIS GUY USED TO PROMOTE
THE VACCINE, BUT ONCE HE GOT IT,
TURNED INTO A HUGE DICK BAG.
SPEAKING OF DICK BAGS, TWITTER
TURNED INTO A HUGE DICK BAG.
SPEAKING OF DICK BAGS, TWITTER
C.E.O.
ELON MUSK, SEEN HERE COSPLAYING
AT LOBSTERFEST.
MUSK GOT SOME BAD NEWS THIS WEEK
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO BOTH FORBES
AND BLOOMBERG, ELON MUSK IS NO
LONGER THE WORLD'S RICHEST
PERSON.
DON'T WORRY, ELON.
YOU STILL HAVE YOUR SPARKLING
WIT AND PERSONALITY.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: MOST OF
MUSKS FORTUNE COMES FROM TESLA,
BUT IN THE LAST YEAR, TESLA
STOCK HAS LOST ABOUT 50% OF ITS
VALUE, IN PART BECAUSE MUSK'S
TWITTER POLITICS ARE ADDING
PRESSURE ON TESLA'S BRAND IMAGE.
AND IT DOESN'T HELP THAT THE NEW
MODEL X COMES PRE-LOADED WITH
KANYE'S TWEETS.
LIBERALS IN PARTICULAR ARE
HAVING A TOUGH TIME WITH TESLA.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS GRAPH OF
TESLA'S FAVORABILITY AMONG
DEMOCRATS: IT'S FINE UNTIL
OCTOBER WHEN HE BUYS TWITTER
AND WEEEE!
USUALLY FOR TESLA TO PLUNGE OFF
A CLIFF LIKE THAT IT HAS TO BE
IN SELF-DRIVING MODE.
-- YOU CAN COVER THAT, RIGHT?
OH YEAH, YOU GOT FLA, YOU GOT
THAT BABY.
NOT A GREAT BUSINESS STRATEGY TO
ALIENATE YOUR BEST CUSTOMERS.
LIBERALS BUY MORE ELECTRIC CARS.
THAT'D BE LIKE IF HOOTERS CAME
OUT WITH A STATEMENT SAYING
THEY'D SERVE ANYONE EXCEPT
DIVORCED DADS ON THEIR FIRST
CHRISTMAS WITHOUT THE KIDS.
AND WHO TOOK ELON'S PLACE?
THE NEW WORLD'S RICHEST MAN IS
FRENCH LUXURY FASHION MAGNATE
AND KEEBLER ELF ABOUT TO EAT
THAT OTHER KEEBLER ELF, BERNARD
ARNAULT.
AS IN:
(FRENCH ACCENT)
"ELON, YOU ARNAULT-LONGER THE
WORLD'S RICHEST MAN."
BUT AS BAD AS THINGS ARE FOR
TESLA, THEY'RE WORSE FOR
TWITTER.
IN FACT, TO CUT COSTS, TWITTER
HAS NOT PAID RENT FOR ANY OF ITS
GLOBAL OFFICES FOR WEEKS.
THAT'S NOT COST-CUTTING.
THAT'S BEING A DEADBEAT.
"LOOK, WE'RE FACING ECONOMIC
HEADWINDS, SO WHEN THE WAITER
BRINGS THE CHECK, HAUL ASS!"
(APPLAUSE)
SDZ THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
MUSK ISN'T JUST SKIPPING OUT ON
THE RENT.
TWITTER HAS ALSO REFUSED TO PAY
AN ALMOST $200,000 BILL FOR
PRIVATE CHARTER FLIGHTS MADE THE
WEEK OF HIS TAKEOVER.
WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO FLY PRIVATE.
I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
COMMERCIAL AIRLINES CHARGE
TO CHECK YOUR SINK?
BUT MUSK HAS A PLAN TO MAKE
MONEY-- HE'S GOING TO START
CHARGING TO GET VERIFIED, IT'S A
SERVICE CALLED "TWITTER BLUE."
THE WHOLE FUTURE OF THE COMPANY
IS RIDING ON IT, SO MONDAY, HE
INTRODUCED THIS AMAZING NEW
LOGO:
OKAY.
THAT'S EITHER THE NEW LOGO, OR A
CLOSE-UP A 1974 CHEVY VAN.
IF THIS VAN'S A ROCKIN', DON'T
COME A-KNOCKIN'.
'CUZ THERE'S NAZIS IN THERE.
TWITTER'S NOT THE ONLY SOCIAL
MEDIA APP IN TROUBLE.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, U.S.
LAWMAKERS INTRODUCED A BILL TO
BAN TIKTOK.
THE PUSH IS BEING LED BY FLORIDA
SENATOR AND BABY SEEING A BRIGHT
COLOR, MARCO RUBIO.
RUBIO'S BILL WOULD BAN SOCIAL
MEDIA APPS WITH AT LEAST ONE
MILLION USERS THAT ARE
BASED IN, OR UNDER THE
"SUBSTANTIAL INFLUENCE" OF
FOREIGN ADVERSARIES, INCLUDING
CHINA, RUSSIA, IRAN, AND NORTH
KOREA.
WHICH ALSO MEANS AMERICANS WOULD
NO LONGER BE ABLE TO USE NORTH
KOREA'S PREMIERE SOCIAL MEDIA
SITE: "LINKED-UN."
(APPLAUSE)
2022 IS WINDING DOWN, WHICH
MEANS WE GET TO BURN SOME TAPE
WITH A FUN, END-OF-YEAR ROUNDUP!
TODAY, WE GOT THE 10 ODDEST
GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS OF
THE YEAR.
WE GOT SOME GOOD ODD ONES, ALL
OF WHICH I PROMISE ARE REAL.
FIRST UP: THERE'S A NEW
WORLD RECORD FOR "FASTEST TIME
TO FIND AND ALPHABETIZE THE
LETTERS IN A CAN OF ALPHABET
SOUP:"
JACOB CHANDLER OF OREGON, WHO
ALPHABETIZED ALL THE LETTERS IN
ONLY TWO MINUTES AND 8.6
SECONDS.
BIG DEAL.
I DID IT EVEN FASTER WITH
SPAGHETTIOS.
ANOTHER BIG WINNER THIS YEAR: AT
AN EVENT IN OCTOBER, "JAPAN'S
SAME NAME ASSOCIATION OF
HIROKAZU TANAKAS," FOUNDED BY
HIROKAZU TANAKA, TOOK THE RECORD
FOR "LARGEST GATHERING OF PEOPLE
WITH THE SAME FIRST AND LAST
NAME."
THAT NAME?
HAROLD PETERSON.
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
THINKING: STEVE, THESE RECORDS
ARE GREAT, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE
NONE OF THEM HAVE TO DO WITH
BALANCING EGGS ON THE BACK OF
YOUR HAND.
WELL, SHUT UP, BECAUSE WE ALSO
HAVE A NEW RECORD HOLDER FOR
"MOST EGGS BALANCED ON THE BACK
OF THE HAND."
IT'S IBRAHEEM SADEQ OF IRAQ, WHO
MANAGED TO BALANCE 18 EGGS.
LET'S SEE HIM IN ACTION:
♪
LET'S SEE HIM IN ACTION:
♪
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: COME ON.
AMAZING.
AMAZING.
THAT'S A MOVE THEY CALL
"GUY AT THE GROCERY STORE WHO
WON'T GET A BASKET BECAUSE HE'S
ONLY GETTING A FEW EGGS."
ONE RECORD THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY
SHATTERED IN "MOST DRINK CANS
PLACED ON HEAD USING AIR
SUCTION," WHICH WENT TO JAMIE
KEETON OF WISCONSIN.
HERE HE IS:
HE ALSO SET THE RECORD FOR
"WORLD'S MOST UNCLE!"
ALL IN, KEETON GOT TEN CANS TO
STICK TO HIS HEAD AND FACE,
WHICH IS A LOT, BUT I HAVE ONE
QUIBBLE WITH JAMIE: WHY DID YOU
KEEP THE GOATEE?
THAT'S VITAL CAN-STICKING REAL
ESTATE!
FORGET A SOUL PATCH, YOU COULD
HAVE A TIN CHIN!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!
MY GUESTS ARE EMILY BLUNT AND
CHEF JOSEÉ ANDREÉS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
MEANWHILE!
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE
BAND, EVERYBODY.
LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW
BAND.
LOUIS, LOUIS, FOR THE PEOPLE
WATCHING AT HOME, WHO ARE WE
DELIGHTED TO HAVE WITH US.
>> WE HAVE THE HONOR OF
WELCOMING THE ONE, ONLY, GRAMMY
RECORDING ARTIST LALA HATHAWAY.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR BEING HERE.
(APPLAUSE)
AND I WILL COUNTER THAT WITH
WE'VE GOT THE LOVELY, THE
TALENTED EMILY BLUNT IS GOING TO
DO THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT
TONIGHT.
MARY POPPINS HERSELF.
AND OUR FRIEND AND YOURS, THE
WONDERFUL JOSE ANDRES IS GOING
TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE
WHILE WITH HIS THREE DAUGHTERS,
WITH HIS THREE DAUGHTERS TO GIVE
US SOME LITTLE COOKING.
THEY HAVE A COOKING SHOW NOW
ABOUT THEIR TRIP TO SPAIN.
AND AS LONG AS WE ARE TALKING
ABOUT JOSE HERE.
JOSE IS ONE OF THE FOUNDERS OF
WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN WHICH
HELPS PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE
WORLD.
HAS DELIVERED HUNDREDS OF
MILLIONS OF MEALS.
AND RIGHT NOW THEY'RE CONTINUING
TO WORK SO HARD O FEED THE
PEOPLE WHO ARE DISPLACED IN THE
UKRAINE.
AND WE HAVE LAUNCHED A CHARITY
EFFORT HERE ON THE SHOW.
YOU CAN GO GET ONE OF THE LATE
SHOW T-SHIRTS.
IT IS, IS POTATOE AND ALSO A
SAME LATE SHOW MUG RIGHT THERE,
AND IT SAYS IS POTATOE, RIGHT
THERE ON THE MUG.
GO GET THESE.
DO WE HAVE THE DWRKS R CODE?
WRITE THERE, YOU CAN HIT THAT QR
CODE RIGHT THERE, IT WILL TAKE
YOU TO THE WEBSITE.
ALL OF THE LATE SHOW'S PROCEEDS
WILL GO TO WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN
SUPPORTING THEIR MISSION IN
UKRAINE AND AROUND THE WORLD.
TOTALLY WORTHWHILE.
RIGHT THERE.
PLUS A REALLY GOOD LOOKING
PICTURE OF A POTATOE.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND MOST
OF MY TIME, CASTING THE DAY'S
MOST STRIKING STORY MODELS,
LIGHTING THE HIGHEST, SHARPEST
TOPICAL CHEEKBONES UNDER A
PRO-FOTO 2-D4 FLASH HEAD, AND A
PHOTEK SOFTLIGHTER II UMBRELLA
BEFORE AN OLIPHANT TERRACOTTA
BACKDROP AND CAPTURING THEM WITH
A MAMIYA RZ-67 TO CREATE FOR YOU
THE PENETRATING YET POIGNANT
ANNIE LEIBOVITZ PORTRAIT THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I BREAK INTO A
PETTING ZOO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
NIGHT, FEED THE ANIMALS A
COCKTAIL OF ADDERALL, BENADRYL,
AND MOUNTAIN DEW CODE RED THEN
STARTLE A GOAT JUST AS I SNAP
THE SHUTTER TO CREATE THE
BARNYARD MUGSHOT OF NEWS THAT IS
MY SEGMENT:
>> MEANWHILE!
(APPLAUSE)
SDZ THAT IS HYDROGEN IN MY
BALLOON.
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, HERE'S
THE LATEST FROM K-POP SUPERGROUP
BTS: JIN, THE ELDEST MEMBER, HAS
ENLISTED IN THE SOUTH KOREAN
ARMY.
BECAUSE KOREAN MEN ARE REQUIRED
TO ENLIST IN THE MILITARY BY AGE
28.
IN AMERICA, BY THE AGE OF 28,
ALL MEN MUST JOIN AN IMPROV
GROUP AND GET INTO HOME BREWING.
MEANWHILE, THERE'S BIG NEWS FROM
YEAR IS 'WOMAN.'
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: OKAY.
REALLY?
THE WORD OF THE YEAR DESCRIBES
HALF OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION?
WHICH YEAR ARE WE TALKING HERE?
1?
(AS CAVEMAN)
"GARG, I MET SOMEONE DIFFERENT.
WOMEN ARE OFFICIALLY IN THE
ZEITGEST BECAUSE OF MAJOR
STORIES LIKE THE SUPREME COURT'S
OVERTURNING OF ROE V. WADE, THE
IRAN PROTESTS, AND THE DEATH OF
QUEEN ELIZABETH II.
RIGHT.
BECAUSE WHEN QUEEN ELIZABETH
DIED WE WERE DEFINITELY GOOGLING
THE WORD WOMAN AND NOT "CORGIES,
EUTHANIZED, QUESTION MARK?"
I'M NOT SAYING I WOULD DO IT,
JUST CURIOUS.
MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE
UNCOVERED THE OLDEST KNOWN
NARRATIVE PIECE OF ART.
IT'S AN 11,000-YEAR-OLD CARVING
IN TURKEY THAT FEATURES A MAN
HOLDING HIS PHALLUS AS LEOPARDS
CORNER HIM.
IT'S A TALE OLD AS TIME.
ANYONE WHO'S EVER HAD A LEOPARD
SAFETY COURSE KNOWS...
IF YOU'RE EVER NAKED AND
ENCOUNTER A LEOPARD, HOLD YOUR
JUNK.
THAT'S A CHEETAH, I THINK THAT
WAS A CHEETAH.
MEANWHILE, "SCIENTISTS HAVE
DESIGNED A 'VAGINA ON A CHIP'."
GREAT, ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE
WEIRD CANADIAN FLAVORS.
FIRST KETCHUP, NOW THIS.
HOPEFULLY, THE VAGINA CHIP WILL
BE MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN THE LAST
GENITAL THEMED SNACK:
PRETZ-TICLES.
AND I'M BEING INFORMED THAT
THESE CHIPS ARE NOT FOR
SNACKING, BUT TISSUE GROWN ON
SILICONE TO SIMULATE THE VAGINAL
MICROBIOME FOR RESEARCH.
AND HARVARD'S DR. DONALD INGBER
IS VERY CONFIDENT ABOUT THE
QUALITY OF HIS SIMULATION,
BOASTING, "THIS WALKS, TALKS,
AND QUACKS LIKE A HUMAN VAGINA."
(LAUGHTER)
NOW HERE'S THE THING,
NOW, I DIDN'T GO TO HARVARD, BUT
I'M GONNA SAY THIS GUY IS NOT
THAT FAMILIAR WITH A HUMAN
VAGINA.
LET ME ASK YOU, DOC.
THESE VAGINAS, THAT YOU "KNOW
ABOUT", DO THEY LIKE BREAD
CRUMBS AND FLY SOUTH FOR THE
WINTER?
MEANWHILE, IT WAS ANNOUNCED
TODAY THAT AFTER DECADES OF
THINKING OTHERWISE, SURPRISE!
SNAKES HAVE CLITORISES.
REACHED FOR COMMENT, FEMALE
SNAKES SAID, "YESSSSSSSSSS."
RESEARCHERS THOUGHT THE ORGAN
DIDN'T EXIST, IN FACT, CBS NEWS
REPORTS IT TOOK MORE THAN A
CENTURY, BUT SCIENTISTS FINALLY
FOUND IT.
THAT'S A LONG TIME COMING.
FOUND IT.
THAT'S A LONG TIME COMING.
OR NOT, IF YOU'RE A FEMALE
SNAKE.
AND THE NEWS IS EXTRA EXCITING
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT SNAKES HAVE
TWO INDIVIDUAL CLITORISES--
HEMICLITORES-- SEPARATED BY
TISSUE AND HIDDEN BY SKIN ON THE
UNDERSIDE OF THE TAIL.
SO SNAKES WENT FROM HAVING NO
CLITORIS TO HAVING TWO?
BONUS!
THAT'S LIKE REACHING INTO THE
POCKET OF A JACKET YOU HAVEN'T
WORN IN A WHILE AND FINDING TWO
CLITORISES.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I DEBUT THE
NEWEST CELEBRITY CHRISTMAS
ALBUM.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
LOUIS, BEFORE I FORGET, I WANT
TO LET EVERYBODY KNOW THAT
TOMORROW NIGHT YOU AND THE BAND
ARE DOING A SPECIAL PERFORMANCE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW
NIGHT.
>> WE'RE DOINGS OUR OWN
ARRANGEMENT OF STEVIE WONDERS,
SOME DAY AT CHRISTMAS.
>> Stephen: CHECK THAT OUT
TOMORROW NIGHT.
BECAUSE HERE'S THE THING,
CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE: THE
BELLS ARE JINGLING, THE EGGS ARE
NOGGING, CHRISTMAS MUSIC IS BACK
IN ROTATION.
AND THERE IS A CAROL FOR
EVERYONE, WHETHER YOU LIKE
TENDER BALLADS ABOUT THE ARRIVAL
OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, OR
TOE-TAPPIN' CHRISTMAS DITTIES
ABOUT KIDS BEGGING SANTA FOR
TEETH.
AND THIS YEAR ALONE, THERE ARE
NEW HOLIDAY ALBUMS FROM ALICIA
KEYS, JOSS STONE, GLORIA
ESTEFAN, ANDREA BOCELLI, CHRIS
ISAAK AND DOZENS OF OTHERS.
BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
THINKING: STEVE, WHEN ARE WE
GONNA GET A HOLIDAY ALBUM FROM
THE ONE ARTIST MOST CLOSELY
ASSOCIATED WITH THE CHRISTMAS
SEASON?
STAR OF "JURASSIC PARK" AND "THE
FLY," JEFF GOLDBLUM.
WELL, THE WAIT IS OVER.
LET THE GOLD-BLUM.
>> THERE ARE TWO THINGS THAT
MAKE EVERYBODY HAPPY, CHRISTMAS
MUSIC AND JEFF GOLDBLUM.
>> HI, JEFF GOLDBLUM HERE, MERRY
CHRISTMAS.
>> STAY MERRY GOLDBLUM CHRISTMAS
FEATURING HOLIDAY FAVORITES LIKE
THE 12 DAITION OF CHRISTMAS.
>> ON THE FIRST DAY OF
CHRISTMAS.
♪ MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME.
♪ A PARTRIDGE, A PARTRIDGES, DID
YOU KNOW, DID ANYBODY KNOW THIS,
PARTRIDGES TRADITIONALLY LIVE IN
GRASS LANDS-- I JUST FOUND THAT
OUT RECENTLY.
BUT SPEAKING OF PARTRIDGES, WHO
KNOWS ABOUT THE PARTRIDGE
FAMILY.
>> IT'S CHRISTMAS CLASSICS THE
GOLDBLUM WAY.
>> NOW UP TO THE SECOND DAY OF
CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO
ME, TRUE LOVE, THERE ARE A LOT
OF KINDS OF TRUE LOVE.
WELL, ROMANTIC LOVE, OF COURSE.
FRATERNAL LOVE, THERE IS
PLATONIC LOVE AND OF OF COURSE
THERE IS KOURTNEY LOVE, SHE AND
I RAN INTO EACH OTHER.
>> JEFF, JEFF, SORRY TO CUT IN.
BUT CAN WE GET BACK TO THE SONG.
>> SURE.
OKAY.
YES, OKAY.
BACK TO THE-- BACK TO THE MUSIC.
>> PLENTY OF INTERRUPTIONS.
>> TEN LORDS A LEAPIN.
NINE LADIES DANCING.
EIGHT MADES A MILLIN.
MILK, HEY, EXCUSE ME, IF I TALK
ABOUT MILK FOR A SECOND.
THIS IS A.
>> JEFF, WE HAVE A LOT TO GET
DONE.
CAN WE PLEASE STICK TO THE SONG.
>> OKAY, OKAY.
>> NO TANGENTS.
>> IT WAS MORE OF AN ANECDOTE
THAN TANGENT.
MILK, MILK, LEMONADE, FINISH
THAT POEM.
>> AROUND THE CORNER FUDGE IS
MADE.
>> YES, AROUND THE CORNER FUDGE
IS MADE, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED A
QUESTION MARK, YOU KNOW DAMN
WELL AROUND THE CORNER A FUDGE
IS MADE.
>> AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR--
LIME?
IT'S A PEAR-- WHAT.
>> TREE.
>> BRIE?
>> TREE OH, TREE, I THOUGHT YOU
SAID BRIE.
IF I WAS A KIND OF CHEESE, WHAT
WOULD I BE, WHAT DO YOU THINK.
>> BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, IT'S 14
HOURS LONG, A VERY GOLDBLUM
CHRISTMAS.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU TO JEFF
GOLDBLUM FOR BEING THE MOST JEFF
WHO HAS EVER GOLDBLUM-ED.
AND CHECK OUT "THE CHRISTMAS
WALTZ," AN ACTUAL CHRISTMAS
SONG BY JEFF GOLDBLUM AND THE
MILDRED SNITZER ORCHESTRA.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE
COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO EMILY
BLUNT.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
HERE, EMILY BLUNT, STALLS A
PLEASURE HAVING YOU HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> IT SAY TON OF FUN, I'M A BIG
FAN OF YOU AND OF OF COURSE YOUR
HUSBAND, AND WE HAVE HAD A
CHANCE TO HAVE SOCIAL TIME
OUTSIDE OF HERE T HAS BEEN WAY
TOO LONG.
>> IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG.
>> Stephen: BUT I FEEL LIKE
THIS IS WHERE YOU GOT TO GET TO
KNOW SOMEBODY.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: WHEN THE AUDIENCE
IS WATCHING THAT IS WHEN.
>> REAL INTIMACY HAPPENS.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY RIGHT.
BUT THE PROBLEM IS WE DON'T HAVE
ENOUGH TIME TO GET DOWN TO IT.
>> WE'LL GET DOWN TO IT.
>> Stephen: AT THE LATE SHOW
QUESTION CAME UP WITH A THING
CALLED THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
THE PEOPLE KNOW.
THE PEOPLE KNOW.
THESES ARE 15 QUESTIONS THAT
HAVE BEEN CALIBRATED
SPECIFICALLY TO PENETRATE OUR
PSYCHIC DEFENSES AND ACTUALLY
REVEAL THAT PERSON TO THE WORLD
AT LARGE.
AND TO BE KNOWN, SCARY?
BUT IT'S SUCH A RELIEF WHEN YOU
FINALLY DON'T HAVE TO.
>> I WILL FEEL MUCH LIGHTER.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU READY TO
TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
>> SO READY.
>> Stephen: EMILY BLUNT.
>> YEAH SDZ WHAT IS THE BEST
SANDWICH.
>> CUBAN SANDWICH.
>> Stephen: DESCRIBE TO PEOPLE
WHAT A CUBAN SANDWICH IS.
IT'S PORK.
>> PORK, HAM, MAYO, PICKLE,
SOMETHING SPICY IN IT.
AND I LIKE POTATOE CHIPS IN IT.
>> Stephen: I LIKE YOURS
CONTAINS BOTH PORK AND HAM.
>> IT DOES, BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT
THE PORKS AND THE SLICED HAM.
AND CHEESE.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> YEAH?
>> Stephen: AND PROBABLY IT'S
LATE AT NIGHT.
>> OH, SO LATE.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE ONE
THING THAT YOU OWN THAT YOU
SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT?
>> UM, OH GOD, A REALLY
TERRIBLE, A REALLY TERRIBLE OLD
ROYAL BLUE VELVET JACKET AND I
DON'T WEAR IT BUT I WORE T I
WORE IT ON JOHN AND I'S FIRST
DATED AND HAVE I NOT THROWN IT
OUT.
>> Stephen: YOU SHOULDN'T
THROW IT OUT.
>> I KNOW, BUT IT'S SUCH AN
AWFUL JACKET T SITS THERE, THAT
IS A TERRIBLE JACKET.
>> Stephen: IT WAS A TERRIBLE
JACKET THEN.
>> IT PROBABLY WAS BUT I THINK I
WAS BLIND TO IT.
>> Stephen: AND EVIDENTLY HE
WAS TOO.
>> AND I WAS LIKE LOOKING GOOD.
>> Stephen: HE WENT ON A
SECOND DATE AFTER THAT TERRIBLE
JACKET.
>> HE SENT ME A MEMO AND SAID
DON'T WEAR THE JACKET AND WILL
YOU GET ANOTHER DATE.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE
SCARIEST ANIMAL.
>> A COCKROACH.
>> Stephen: A COCKROACH.
>> Stephen: ARE WE TALKING
LIKE THESE NEW YORK COCKROACHES
OR LITTLE THINGS OR THE PALMETTO
BUGS.
>> I WAS JUST IN ATLANTA FOR 11
WEEKS.
AND THERE WAS A BIT OF AN
INFESTATION AT MY HOUSE.
>> Stephen: EVERYWHERE, LOVELY
HOUSES.
>> AND I'VE NEVER BEEN THE SAME
SINCE.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES.
>> APPLESES.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER
ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR
AUTOGRAPH?
>> NO.
LOOK, A SORT OF A GRUMBLE.
>> Stephen: IT WASN'T A
GRUMBLE.
I WONDER WHAT THAT SAYS ABOUT
HER.
>> DOES SHE THINK SHE'S SO MUCH
BETTER THAN EVERYONE.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK
HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> I THINK WE GO SOMEWHERE MORE
BEAUTIFUL.
THAT'S WHAT I TELL MYSELF.
I HOPE.
I WANT THAT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> OH GOD, NOW I FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE LIKE OKAY, THAT'S NOT
TRUE BUT-- .
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW T
DOESN'T MATTER.
>> YOU SORT OF PITIED ME.
>> Stephen: WHAT HELD ME BACK
IS LIKE IS IT MORE BEAUTIFUL.
>> THE WORLD IS A VERY BEAUTIFUL
PLACE.
>> VERY BEAUTIFUL BUT I FEEL
LIKE MAYBE ST EUPHORIC
BEAUTIFUL.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> YEAH?
>> Stephen: I WILL SEND YOU
SOME LINKS TO SOME REALLY GREAT
RESORTS.
>> OKAY, GREAT F IT HAS A WATER
SLIDE PARK I'M IN.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION
MOVIE.
>> OH MY GOD, WHAT IS IT?
LAD, COME ON, AND IT'S A SHOW.
FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE, DOES
INDIANA JONES COUNT, RAIDERS OF
THE LAST ARC.
>> Stephen: IT COUNT, RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARC.
THERE YOU GO.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WINDOW OR AISLE.
>> AISLE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A
RAISALE.
>> BECAUSE I NEED TO PEE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT AND I
DON'T WANT TO BE SHUFFLING PAST
SOMEONE, DOING THAT.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL.
>> MY CHILDREN WHEN THEY WAKE
UP, THEY SMELL SO GOOD.
WHY DO THEY SMELL SO SWEET.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE THEY.
>> THEY ARE SIX AND EIGHT.
>> Stephen: WAIT UNTIL THEY
ARE 14.
>> I KNOW, I KNOW.
>> Stephen.
>> THEY SMELL SO YUMMY RIGHT
NOW.
>> Stephen: LEAST FAVORITE
SMELL?
>> A MAN'S BATHROOM. YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU REALLY NEED TO GO, LIKE
THIS IS-- WHEN YOU REALLY NEED
TO GO, ONLY THE MEN'S IS
AVAILABLE, I'M LIKE THIS-- GOING
IN. AND I FEEL LIKE-- .
>> Stephen: SO ARE WE.
WE KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN
THERE.
>> WHY DOES IT SMELL SO BAD.
>> Stephen: ST A MUSK.
>> I DON'T LIKE THAT WORD.
>> Stephen: I DON'T LIKE THAT
WORD.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: THE MOIST MUSK.
>> MOIST MUSK, THAT IS A NO-NO,
ISN'T IT?
>> Stephen: CATS OR DOGS.
>> OH WOW, NO T IS BECAUSE I AM
ALLERGIC TO CATS AS WELL.
>> Stephen: OKAY, CATS OR
HORSES?
>> HORSES.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
HORSES OR DOGS.
>> [BLEEP] I WILL SAY DOGS CUZ I
CN GET BY WITHOUT HAVING TO
TAKE A PILL.
YEAH.
>> Stephen: DO YOU ONLY GET
ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE
REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT?
>> LA VIE ENROSE.
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF?
>> 36.
>> Stephen: NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
IN FIVE WORSED.
>> IT WILL HOPEFULLY BE BLISSFUL
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU ARE KNOWN.
THE ENGLISH IS ON PRIME VIDEO.
THE YOUNG LADY IS EMILY BLUNT,
EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW,
ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
I'M JOINED NOW BY MY FRIEND CHEF
JOSEÉ ANDREÉS AND HIS DAUGHTERS,
WHO ALL STAR IN THE NEW SERIES
"JOSEÉ ANDREÉS AND FAMILY IN
SPAIN."
PLEASE WELCOME JOSEÉ, CARLOTA,
INEÉS, AND LUCIÍA ANDREÉS!
OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, IT IS THE
HOLIDAYS SO EVERYBODY, IT MEANS
COOKING WITH FAMILY, WHAT IS IT
LIKE TO COOK WITH YOUR FATHER,
GIRLS?
>> OH MY GOSH, CHAOS.
>> DO YOU COOK WITH HIM A LOT.
>> WE'RE IN THE KITCHEN A LOT.
COOKING, I'M NOT SO GOOD AT.
>> Stephen: IS HE BOSSY IN THE
KITCHEN.
>> VERY, VERY BOSSY.
>> WELL, HE DOESN'T LET US DO
ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO
RESPOND.
>> IS THIS A PSYCHOLOGIST CLASS,
I LET YOU DO EVERYTHING.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I'M QUICKER.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF QUICK,
LET'S GETS TO IT, WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO TODAY, FIRST
CARLOTA, TELL ME WHAT WE HAVE
HERE.
>> APPARENTLY WE'RE COOKING
HAM-- QUUTING HAM, THIS IS
REALLY BIG FOR ME BECAUSE WE
NEVER, EVER, EVER LET US TOUCH
THE PIG, LIKE AT HOME, EVER.
>> Stephen: SO THIS IS HAMMON
IBERICO.
>> YOUR ENGLISH HAS TO GET
BETTER, STEPHEN.
YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M WORKING ON IT.
>> AND THIS IS HAM.
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE
GREATEST HAM IN THE WORLD.
>> IT IS ACORNS.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES THAT
MEAN.
>> YOU KNOW ACORNS.
>> Stephen: FROM A TREE.
>> FROM THE OAKTREE, EVERY
SEPTEMBER THEY BEGIN FALLING
DOWN, WHY BECAUSE THEY SAY I'M
TIRED OF BEING ON THE TREE, I
WANT TO GO DOWN.
SO THEY GO DOWN.
AND WHEN THEY GO DOWN THEY
RELEASE THE PIG, AND THEY BEGIN
ETING THE ACORNS, AND THEY
BEGIN COMING FATTY AND FATTY AND
FATTY AND SWEETER AND HAPPY, AND
WHEN THEY ARE HAPPY AND FATTY WE
MURDER THEM.
>> LOOK HOW GOOD HE COOKED THE
HAM.
>> Stephen: HOW IS THAT, HOW
IS MY CUT.
>> AND THIS IS WHAT SEPARATES
THE HAM FROM ANY OTHER COUNTRY
IN THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: THIS IS BETTER
THAN PROCIUTTON MY OPINION.
>> DEFINITELY, I AGREE WITH YOU.
>> ST BETTER.
I LOVE MY ITALIAN COUNTERPARTS
BUT YOU CANNOT COMPARE THEM.
PRO OSCIUTTO IS GREAT FOR THAT.
BUT THIS IS YOU EAT THIS AND
YOUR LIFE CHANGES FOREVER.
>> Stephen: IN PROSH OUTO YOU
DON'T GET THE HOOF.
I LIKE ANY FOOD WHEN I'M DONE,
CAN I MAKE CLOGS.
>> IN SPAIN YOU CAN BUY WITH THE
WHOLE HOOVE BUT HERE THEY DO THE
MANICURE.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> TOO MUCH.
>> Stephen: PEDESTRIAN CARE,
TECHNICALLY SPEAKING.
>> LOOK HOW GOOD, LOOK AT THIS
CULT.
>> OH MY GOD.
>> THIS IS GOOD, THE FACT THAT
I'M CUTTING THIS HAM, THIS SAY
RITE OF PASSAGE.
>> Stephen: SO HOW DID YOU
START WORKING ON THE SHOW
TOGETHER.
HOW DID IT COME ABOUT?
>> DURING THE PANDEMIC, WHAT
HAPPENED DURING THE PANDEMIC?
>> WE COOKED IN THE KITCHEN.
>> WE PUT IT WHERE.
>> ON INSTAGRAM.
WE WERE DOING RECIPES FOR THE
PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE
ORCHESTRATING THEM.
IS THIS YOUR PARENTING STYLE,
YOU POINT AT THEM AND MAKE THEM
TALK.
>> YEAH STRKS LIKE MONTESSORI.
IT IS SO MUCH FUN.
>> Stephen: HOW OFTEN,
CARLOTA, IS THE MEAL IN YOUR
FAMILY JUST CUTTING UP A LEG.
>> EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
>> DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU HAD
TO DO THAT PAPER.
>> FOR MY COLLEGE ESSAY I WROTE
ABOUT.
>> YOU HAD TO WRITE ABOUT THE
WHAT.
>> SO IN THIRD GRADE WE HAD TO
WRITE ABOUT A PET, OUR HOUSEHOLD
PET, WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY, BUT WE
HAD A LEG.
>> Stephen: HAM LEG.
>> IT TH IS HOW CREATIVE MY
DAUGHTER BECAME BY BEING MY
DAUGHTER.
>> Stephen: DID YOU NAME THE
HAM LEG.
>> I DON'T REMEMBER, I HOPE I
DIDN'T.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: NOW WHAT ARE WE
DOING HERE, WHO ARE THESE LITTLE
FELLOWS RIGHT HERE.
>> KNEES AREN'T OUR PETS, THESE
ARE JUST FOOD.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> SOME SHRIMP, WE'RE GOING TO
MAKE A TYPICAL DISH, BECAUSE WE
ACTUALLY COOK IN THE LAST
EPISODE.
THESE ARE SHRIMP AND WHAT AM I
DOING WITH THEM.
>> I AM THE CHEF OR YOU ARE THE
CHEF, YOU FOLLOW ME.
>> Stephen: YOU YOU HAVE TO BE
BOGSY LIKE YOUR DAD.
>> YOU PUT FOIL IN THE PAN AND
THEN ADD THE GARLIC.
>> Stephen: GARLIC, THERE YOU
GO.
>> AND THEN ADD SOME OF THE
CHILI PEPPER YOU HAVE OVER
THERE.
>> THEY ARE VERY NICE.
>> YOU SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING,
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE GARLIC?
>> Stephen: IT'S SINGING.
>> THE OLIVE OIL IS.
>> IT'S DANCING.
>> ST NOT SIPGING, IT'S DANCING.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW, I
DON'T KNOW, JOSE, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOU.
>> AND NOW IN THIS MOMENT YOU
ADD THE SHRIMP.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY.
>> THREE OR FOUR, AND THEN YOU
PUT SOME SALT INSIDE-- .
>> Stephen: HOW MUCH SALT DO I
PUT IN.
>> YOU PUT SALT UNTIL THE SHRIMP
TELLS YOU NO MORE.
A LITTLE BIT MORE.
HE DIDN'T TELL YOU ANYTHING YET.
AND THIS, MY FRIEND, IS THE MOST
ICONIC SPANISH TAPA EVER.
>> Stephen: DO I BACK OFF.
>> NO, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHY-- I
WILL SHOW IT TO YOU.
>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY NICE.
>> THAT'S IT, MY FRIEND.
>> Stephen: ALMOST DONE.
>> NO, YOU DON'T WANT TO
OVERCOOK THEM N THIS MOMENT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> I WILL DRK DRK.
>> YOU KNOW YOU BLEW OP IT.
YOU YOU KNOW HOW MANY-- TESTS TO
COME OP YURP SHOW, I DID THREE
TESTS IN THE LEFT, THREE IN THE
MOUTH, ONE IN MY MOUTH, I DON'T
WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT ELSE.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS IT LIKE
DOING THE SHOW WITH YOUR DAD?
WAS IT FUN OR WAS THERE PRESSURE
>> DEFINITELY PRESSURE BUT I
LEARNED THAT WORKING WITH FAMILY
REALLY ISN'T THAT BAD.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
WAS WAS THAT A SURPRISE.
>> YEAH, THEY ALWAYS SAY BE
CAREFUL WORKING WITH FAMILY.
I THINK IT TURNED OUT PRETTY
WELL.
>> Stephen: WHEN ARE WE DOING
THE NEXT ONE.
>> A PERFECT IMPERFECTION.
>> Stephen: YOU, THE FAMILY
IS.
>> YEAH.
>> WHAT ARE WE DOING.
>> WE ARE DOING A ROAST CON
LECHE.
>> NOW YOU SOUND, I WANT TO
MATCH-- .
>> Stephen: ARRO CON LECHE.
>> YOUR ENGLISH IS GETTING
BETTER BY THE MINUTE, SO NOW
THIS IS VERY HOT, LOOK HOW HOT
ST.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> YOU ARE GOING TO PUT SUGAR ON
TOP.
WHAT IS THIS?
RICE AND MILK THAT YOU COOK FOR
ONE HOUR, WITH CINNAMON.
>> Stephen: ST RICE PUDDING.
>> AROZ CON LECHE.
RICE PUDDING.
>> Stephen: DO, IS THIS CUZ IN
THE UNITED STATES, THIS GETS
SERVED AT THE RETIREMENT HOME.
IS THIS-- .
>> SO THIS IS HOW WE DO IT.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG DO I PUT
IT ON.
>> UNTIL THE RICE TELLS YOU
ENOUGH.
I MEAN WHEN YOU SEE THIS, IT IS
READY BECAUSE ARE YOU GETTING
THE SMOKE.
ARE YOU BECOMING THE DESSERT.
ARE YOU LIKE A SWEET-- .
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.
>> THAT'S IT, THAT'S TOO MUCH.
>> Stephen: YOU DO THE SAME.
>> NOW WHAT HAPPENS IS THIS
THESE BECOME A-- STH'S LIKE A B
BB RROULLE.
>> AROZ CON LECHE.
>> WHY YOU CHANGE THE NAMES OF
THINGS, THIS IS NOT BROULLE.
STH AROZ CON LECHE.
>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU GET
AROUND SPAIN.
>> WE DROVE A LOT.
>> Stephen: IS HE A GOOD
DRIVER.
>> ABSOLUTELY NO AT THE FIRST
MOMENT WE GET IN THE CAR, FIRST
TRIP, RIGHT WHEN HE ISING TO
ADJUST THE REARVIEW MIRROR T
JUST POPS RIGHT OFF.
>> Stephen: THAT SEEMS LIKE ST
NT HIS FAULT THOUGH.
>> SHOW IT WAS.
>> IT WAS HIS FAULT.
>> I'M A VERY GOOD DRIVER.
I AM PROBABLY THE BEST DRIVER IN
THE HISTORY OF DRIVERS.
IN FACT, I AM A VERY
GOOD-- YEAH, YEAH, I AM.
>> Stephen: I WISH YOU HAD
MORE CONFIDENCE.
>> AND I'M THE PERFECT CHEF.
EVERYTHING I COOK IS PERFECT,
RIGHT, IT'S PERFECT.
>> NEVER SALTY.
>> NO, NO NO.
>> WHAT?
>> BUT YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: DOES HE OVERSALT.
>> HIS TRICK IS THAT WHATEVER
HAPPENS, HE JUST CHANGES THE
NAME OF THE RECIPE.
IF IT DOESN'T GO AS PLANNED.
>> OH MY GOD.
>> YEAH.
>> OH MY GOD.
>> Stephen: SO WHAT DO YOU
HOPE PEOPLE TAKE FROM THE SHOW,
JOSE?
>> THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS WHEN
YOU ARE WITH FAMILY, EVERY
SINGLE MOMENT, THE GOOD ONES AND
THE ONES THAT SOMETIMES THEY ARE
STRANGE, BECAUSE BEING WITH
FAMILY TOGETHER CAN BE
STRESSFUL, RIGHT, LADIES.
>> A LITTLE.
>> SO WITH THIS SHOW, FAMILY IS
FAMILY NO MATTER WHAT.
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
JOSE.
THEIR NEW SERIES,
"JOSEÉ ANDREÉS AND FAMILY IN
SPAIN," DEBUTS DECEMBER 27th ON
DISCOVERY PLUS.
THE ANDREÉS FAMILY, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE
LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE ANDERSON COOPER AND ANDY
COHEN, AND WE'LL HAVE A SPECIAL
PERFORMANCE BY LOUIS CATO AND
THE LATE SHOW BAND.
GOOD NIGHT.