The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Jessica Alba/Bradley Whitford/George Takei - full transcript
Jessica Alba (Mechanic: Resurrection (2016)); Bradley Whitford (Other People (2016)); George Takei. Also: Travis Scott performs.
At last weekends meeting of
the g20, President Trump was the
only world leader to reject
climate change, refusing to
support the Paris climate
accords.
Im sir David Attenborough,
and this is "planet earth:
2025."
In this season, we tour the
diverse climates and biospheres
of our beloved coasts.
From the coast of Kansas to the
Gulf of Ohio.
From the wetlands of the Sahara
to the flaming penguins of the
antarctic.
Ah, whats the point?
The worlds a hot tub.
And before you ask, yes, im
drunk.
Nobody listens to David
Attenborough.
Now im forced to survive in a
submarine with James Cameron.
All he talks about is "avatar."
Stupid movie, fake animals.
Only on "planet earth."
Announcer: Its the "late
show" with Stephen Colbert.
Tonight, a farewell to 41.
Plus, Stephen welcomes Catherine
zeta-Jones, Lucas hedges, and
musical guest Nathaniel rateliff
and the night sweats.
Featuring Jon batiste and "stay
human."
And now live open tape from...
On tape from the ed Sullivan
theater in New York City, its
Stephen Colbert!
( Cheers and applause )
( Theme song playing )
Stephen: Whoo!
Hello!
( Cheers and applause )
Please, sit down, everybody!
Thank you very much!
Thank you so much, ladies and
gentlemen!
Oh!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Welcome!
Welcome one and all to "the late
show."
Im your host, Stephen Colbert.
( Piano riff )
( Cheers and applause )
I want to wish a happy chanukah
to my Jewish viewers.
( Cheers and applause )
Jon: Yeah, Jacob hurst.
Stephen: But only them.
Okay?
( Laughter )
Its an honor system.
If youre not Jewish, no
chanukah wishes for you!
Let them have this!
( Laughter )
This is a solemn week in
America, because of the passing
of president George h.W. Bush,
the last president from the
greatest generation.
( Cheers and applause )
Bush served in world war ii as a
torpedo bomber pilot in the
pacific theater.
Flew 58 missions.
When his plane got hit by
Japanese anti-aircraft guns, he
had to bail out, and this is
actual footage of a young George
h.w. Bush being rescued by the
crew of a submarine.
The closest our current
president has got to a submarine
is a $5 footlong.
( Laughter )
( Piano riff )
( Applause )
Of course, almost 50 years
later, bush did get back at
Japan when he threw up in the
lap of the Japanese prime
minister.
( Laughter )
Yeah, dramatic moment, dramatic
moment.
You know what they say: Revenge
is a dish best served... (Heaves)
( Laughter )
He was a republican, but he
wasnt a bitter partisan.
He worked with Bill Clinton
famously on humanitarian relief
many times, and, im happy to
say, when we took our old show
to entertain troops in Iraq in
2009, he was kind enough to do
this video for us.
♪
♪
( Cheering )
This is president George Bush
number 41, and I want to thank
our brave troops for their
courageous service to our
country.
Back in world war ii, the u.S.O.
Used to send us great big stars
like Marlene Dietrich, Lauren
bacall, and the rockettes.
Im just saying this Stephen
Colbert guy better have great
legs.
( Laughter )
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Nice.
Jon: I like that.
I like that a lot.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: And back in 2009, I
did.
( Laughter )
The 41st president was known for
the kindness and respect he
showed to even his political
rivals.
Like this note he left in the
oval office for Bill Clinton,
who defeated him in the 1992
election.
"You will be our president when
you read this note.
I wish you well.
I wish your family well.
Your success now is our
countrys success.
I am rooting hard for you."
( Cheers and applause )
We may never see the likes of
that again.
Thats the spirit you want.
Jon: Yeah.
Stephen: Thats the spirit
you want for the country.
The next oval office note is
going to read, "dear lying
loser, I wish you no luck, and I
rubbed my butt on this desk.
P.s. Be sure to feed Stephen
Miller three crickets a day, and
always lock his cage."
( Laughter )
( Cheers and applause )
H.w. Bush.
Beloved.
Only one term yet beloved.
President Trump, keep that in
mind.
( Laughter )
Meanwhile, the Mueller
investigation continues to grind
slowly forward, like the worlds
last glacier.
On Friday, we learned something
new about ex-Trump attorney and
Google image result for
"regret," Michael Cohen.
( Laughter )
In a surprise twist, Cohen
doesnt want to go to jail.
His lawyers argued that in
exchange for his cooperation
with Mueller, Cohen should be
spared prison for crimes he
committed in an abundance of
enthusiasm for Trump.
Yes, an abundance of enthusiasm.
So, unlike the women he paid off
for Trump, Cohen wasnt faking
it.
( Cheers and applause )
( Piano riff )
Trump responded this morning.
"Michael Cohen asks judge for no
prison time.
You mean he can do all of the
terrible, unrelated to Trump,
things having to do with fraud,
big loans, taxis, etc., and not
serve a long prison term?
He makes up stories to get a
great and already reduced deal
for himself, and get... dot, dot,
dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot,
dot... his wife and
father-in-law... who has the
money? off Scott free.
He lied for this outcome and
should, in my opinion, serve a
full and complete sentence."
In fact, in fact, can I make him
go to jail?
Whats the opposite of a pardon?
Is it a pard-off?
I hereby, pard-off you!"
( Cheers and applause )
( Piano riff )
( Laughter )
But Trump is pleased with
another member of his inner
circle who muellers
investigating: Political
consultant and man calling warby
Parker to ask about their return
policy, Roger stone.
Stone told reporters that he
wasnt cooperating with Mueller,
so Trump tweeted: "I will never
testify against Trump.
This statement was recently made
by Roger stone, essentially
stating that he will not be
forced by a rogue and out of
control prosecutor to make up
lies and stories about
President Trump.
Nice to know that some people
still have guts!"
( Laughter )
Why did he put President Trump
in quotes?
( Cheers and applause )
Jon: Well, then, the quotes
mean...
Stephen: Does he think his
presidency is as much as of a
joke as we do?
( Laughter )
"Oh yeah, that President Trump
is really great for the
country and totally wont be
compared by historians to a mad
inbred king who wanted to marry
an "oak tree.""
( Laughter )
"I lost the hand gestures there,
brief."
( Laughter )
Trump really doesnt want to
talk about the Mueller
investigation, which is why hes
been dodging press conferences.
In fact, this is what he tweeted
on his way out of the g20
summit: "I was very much looking
forward to having a press
conference just prior to leaving
Argentina because we have had
such great success in our
dealing with various countries
and their leaders at the g20...
Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot,
dot, dot... however, out of
respect for the bush family and
former president George h.W.
Bush, we will wait until after
the funeral to have a press
conference."
While that is... thoughtful, im
going out on a limb and say, I
dont think he ever wanted to do
a press conference.
"I also canceled my press
conference today, December 3rd,
out of respect for Brendan
frasers birthday.
( Laughter )
Brendan fought bravely in "the
numby wars."
Thats the middle eastern war
you dont hear about, the mummy
wamplets gone too soon, Brendan.
Anyway, Trump was eager to leave
the g20.
As evidenced in what was
supposed to be a long group
photo op, starting with
Argentine president Mauricio
macri.
Theyre shaking hands with macri
and Trump is out of there.
Wait, here comes the Trump
handler.
There he is, and off screen he
goes.
And macri says look at that blue
wall.
Whats going on?
Is he coming back?
No, okay.
They learned their lesson,
though.
For the rest of the summit,
Trump was on one of those kid
leashes.
( Cheers and applause )
( Piano riff )
While he was there, Trump had a
major meeting over dinner with
Chinese president xi jinping,
seen here signaling to his third
base coach to jail a dissident.
( Laughter )
At the meeting, Trump agreed to
cancel a
planned January first tariff
increase in return for increased
Chinese purchases of American
farm and industrial goods.
In celebration, Trump tweeted,
"my meeting in Argentina with
president xi of China was an
extraordinary one.
Relations with China have taken
a big leap forward!
Very good things will happen.
We are dealing from great
strength, but China likewise has
much to gain if and when a deal
is completed.
Level the field!"
Very important, he wants a level
field.
Because he cant walk uphill.
( Laughter )
"The bone spurs."
( Cheers and applause )
( Piano riff )
They can fix that, right?
Sure, why not?
And Trump knows who the big
winners will be: "Farmers will
be a... a very big and fast
beneficiary of our deal with
China.
They intend to start purchasing
agricultural product
immediately.
We make the finest and cleanest
product in the world, and that
is what China wants.
Farmers, I love you!"
( Laughter )
Upon hearing this, Eric and Don
Jr. immediately changed their
wardrobe.
( Laughter )
( Cheers and applause )
"Hey, dad, the cow goes moo.
Love me!"
( Laughter )
Trump thinks theres more he and
xi, and a special someone, can
accomplish.
"I am certain that, at some time
in the future, president xi and
I, together with president putin
of Russia, will start talking
about a meaningful halt to what
has become a major and
uncontrollable arms race.
The U.S. spent $716 billion this
year.
Crazy!"
thats crazy!
$716 billion on defense!
What idiot wanted to spend that
much on defense anyway?
$716 billion to give you the
finest planes and ships and
tanks and missiles.
$716 billion approved for our
military, we had to do it.
$716 billion to fully rebuild
our great American military.
The beautiful thing with when
you hear $716 billion is its
all made in the usa.
Stephen: Yes, $716 billion,
its beautiful and its crazy,
like a murderer with a sexy mug
shot or a very angry
cheeseburger."
( Cheers and applause )
Weve got a great show for you
tonight.
Catherine zeta-Jones is here.
Lucas hedges is here!
Lucas hedges is here!
But when we come back, a happy
story of love and the sewer.
Stick around!
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Hey, everybody!
Give it up for Jon batiste and
stay human, everybody.
( Cheers and applause )
Im in the holiday spirit.
( Cheers and applause )
Thank you, everybody.
Jon, what did you do this
weekend?
Jon: I was at the Kennedy
center honors, I was playing
there.
Stephen: Who were you there
to honor?
Jon: Phillip glass.
Stephen: I like the Kennedy
center honors, they kick off the
holiday season for me.
Im holidayed up.
Give me every movie, ill watch
the hallmark movies, the
lifetime ones, the black and
white ones, the peanuts.
Im ready to shop.
Jon: What are you going to
buy?
Stephen: What am I going to
buy?
Im going to buy "whose boat is
this boat?"!
( Cheers and applause )
Jon: That book doing some
good stuff out here for a good
cause!
Stephen: Right now, this is -
book to have the mere is
Michelle obamas book.
She was here on Friday.
Overall, I think, for the year,
this is the number seven
best-selling book in America
this year on Amazon.
Lets get this to number two.
I dont want to beat the first
lady, but lets get this to
number two because it all goes
to the victims of the hurricanes
and, Georgia, get yourself on
santas good list, please!
( Cheers and applause )
There is so much terrible news
out there, that im always on
the lookout for feel-good
stories in my brand-new,
long-running segment: "Stephen
colberts happy endings."
( Whistle )
( Laughter )
Tonights "happy ending"
happened right here in times
square... not for the first time.
A couple flew to New York from
england, and the man proposed in
central park.
But the ring was too big, so
while the couple was walking
through Times Square, it slipped
off and fell through a sidewalk
grate!
The man desperately tries to get
it back, lying down on the
sidewalk, but its gone.
There are only two good reasons
to lay down on the sidewalk in
Times Square: Lost engagement
ring and playing dead in an elmo
fight.
( Laughter )
Apparently, the incident
happened near the olive garden
in Times Square.
The couple flagged down officers
in the area for help, then left
without filing a police report
or providing their contact
information.
I dont blame them.
You dont want it on record that
you flew all the way to New York
city and went to an olive
garden.
( Laughter )
But heres how the ending turned
happy.
After calling in the N.Y.P.D.
Special ops, the N.Y.P.D. Found
the ring.
( Cheers and applause )
They found the damn ring!
Which is great news for the
engaged couple and heartbreaking
news for the Times Square
gollum.
( Laughter )
After finding the ring, the
N.Y.p.d. Posted on social media
asking for help tracking down
the couple, which they did, and
yesterday the police tweeted,
"we would like to thank everyone
who shared this story!
The now happy couple is back in
their home country, but thanks
to your retweets, they heard we
were looking for them!
Were making arrangements to get
them their ring back.
Congratulations!"
( Cheers and applause )
Yes!
Another happy ending thanks to
the benevolence of the Internet.
Thats what I love about the
web, just people helping people.
( Laughter )
Jon: Yeah.
Yeah, all the time.
Stephen: The NYPD even post
add
picture of the couple back in
england still together and with
a ring.
( Cheers and applause )
Thats nice.
Thats nice.
Jon: Yeah, yeah!
Stephen: Sadly, after
leaving that bar, they both fell
directly into an open manhole.
Well be right back with
Catherine zeta-Jones.
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Hey, everybody!
Welcome back to the program!
Ladies and gentlemen,
my first guest is an Oscar and
Tony winner you know from
"Chicago," "intolerable
cruelty," and "feud."
Please welcome, Catherine
zeta-Jones!
( Cheers and applause )
Wow!
( Cheers and applause )
Wow!
Stephen: Thank you very
much!
Thanks for being here!
Thank you!
What a lovely, lovely reception.
Thank you!
Stephen: They are lovely
people.
Theyre so excited youre here,
and so am I.
So am I.
Stephen: Weve never met
before.
I know.
Im a huge fan of you in the
show and you had my husband on a
few weeks ago so its a family
affair, so im happy to be here.
Stephen: Were happy to
have you
( cheers and applause )
As I was saying in the
introduction, youre a film
star, a Tony winner, a star of
stage and screen.
You started off as a second
understudy in the "west-end of
London."
See if ive got the right photo.
Is that what were talking
about?
Thats me, baby.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Here we are.
( Laughter )
Well, yeah, I was a second
understudy and its like a show
within a show.
I was second understudy and the
star was off on holiday.
Stephen: In real life.
In real life.
The first understudy hurt her
knee, and, so, I was 17 years
old and I was literally thrown
on.
Stephen: As the lead in the
west-end of London.
I was in the Cho Russ.
The producer was in London
checking on the show.
I was in the audience, he cast
me.
I played the role for two years
when I was 17, 18.
( Cheers and applause )
Im just a tap dancer.
Im a hoofer and proud of it.
Stephen: Just like Jimmy
cagney, youre just a hoofer.
A hoofer, honey.
Stephen: You won an Oscar.
Im not surprised now because I
did not know you were a hoofer
but you won your Oscar for
Chicago.
Keepers can I point something
out here?
I want to point out something
here.
You have Bob haircuts in both
these but theyre very different
Bob haircuts.
They really are.
Stephen: Its a subtle
difference.
Its the jazz that does it.
I have tap shoes on here and I
have a serious jazz face and
jazz hand.
Stephen: Whats a jazz
hand?
Do.
That again.
Stephen: I studied hand
dancing for a long time.
All right.
Stephen: What is jazz face?
Jazz face is... and thats
jazz...
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Do you have to say
"and thats jazz" to get the
face down?
Yeah, and thats jazz...
( Laughter )
Okay.
Ill sing and then "and thats
jazz" at the end.
And all that jazz ♪
Stephen: And thats jazz...
( Cheers and applause )
Is that jazz?
( Cheers and applause )
Thats what im talking
about!
Yeah.
Stephen: Put me in.
Put me in.
Youre in the sequel.
Stephen: I have another
photo here.
Youre a seamstress.
Im making curtains.
Stephen: Do you make
prototypes and that sort of
thing.
Yeah.
Stephen: Because this is
you starting to make these.
I think im in my pajamas
there.
Oh, no, ive got clothes on.
Thats okay.
Stephen: Heres the final
product.
Yeah.
Stephen: You made those
drapes right there.
Yeah.
Stephen: Where did you
learn... thats a big thing.
Where did you learn this?
My mother was a seamstress.
My grandmother was... my great
grandmother, if it was a eshow
years ago called upstairs
downstairs, where the rich
person was upstairs and my
grandmother was downstairs in
the rich peoples homes, and she
used to make all the ladies
underwear and garments and sew
lace and she taught me.
This acting thing just came out.
I should be making pillows.
Its a great creative outlastlet
for me.
I love doing it.
Now I get to do it as a
business.
Its fun.
Stephen: You and your
husband lived on Bermuda how
many years now?
We lived there since my son
was one.
We brought the kids up there.
You have kids probably around
the same age as mine.
Stephen: Probably older
than yours.
Okay.
Stephen: The my kids are
45.
( Laughter )
Theyre not, are they?
Stephen: Mid 40s.
Youre looking really good.
Stephen: You, too.
Moisturize.
Moisturize.
Ill send you my doctors
number.
Exactly.
Please.
Stephen: Ive actually
driven by your house.
Anyway, its a crazy world
and these kids dont ask to be
thrown into hi... into this
scrutiny.
Stephen: Did they know
youre famous?
It was so funny, when my kids
were at school, they were doing
occupations at the school, you
know.
Stephen: What do mom and
dad do.
What do mom and dad do.
At that time, I was doing, like
you mentioned, "intolerable
cruelty" and all that stuff, and
Michael was laying low and
enjoying fatherhood for the
second time around and that
stuff.
So in "the occupations" the kids
said my mom makes movies, my dad
makes pancakes.
( Laughter )
Stephen: Thats not bad.
And then Mike is like, damn
it!
Two oscars and a 50-year career
and my kids just think I made
pancakes!
So children are so humbling, but
he did have to take them to his
office on the lot and show the
posters and the awards.
But he got over it?
You have a new series on
Facebook "watch" which I think
were on, on this show.
Its called "queen America."
You may a beauty pageant coach.
We have a clip.
Can you tell us whats going on?
I play a beauty pageant coach
if Tulsa, ruthless, determined,
demanding.
Stephen: Got to be.
Youve got to be.
But its a world which
fascinates me because, on the
outside of the show, you think
its very fluffy and frivolous,
but its a real, real fractured
character I play, and then... I
think the clip of the show is me
with my new future pageant
queen, and im just training her
with a big argument with my
sister, who I was from the other
side of the tracks and I
scrubbed up really well.
Stephen: Jim?
Order some takeout.
Good.
Im starving.
Youre not allowed restaurant
food.
Were not even hungry, we
already had senorita tacos.
It was grade d meat, and we
loved it!
( Bang )
( Sigh )
My family fights a lot, too.
Samantha, one thing you will
figure out during our training
is that, although learning how
to speak well is important,
learning when not to speak at
all is even more so.
( Applause )
Stephen: Sound wisdom.
Kind of true, right.
Stephen: Yeah.
So lovely to see you.
So lovely to be here.
Stephen: "Queen America" airs
Sundays on Facebook watch.
Catherine-zeta Jones, everybody!
Well be right back with Lucas
hedges.
( Cheers and applause )
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody!
Welcome back to "the late show"!
My next guest is an
Oscar-nominated actor you know
from "Manchester by the sea" and
"lady bird."
His new film is "Ben is back."
Im so proud of you, knowing
what you need.
I think its so great.
Like they say, its working, and
when you... what do they say?
It works if you work it.
Well, you are working it.
Oh, what...
Youre not coming in.
Of course I am.
No, mom.
Im good.
Its a meeting.
Im going to come right out
afterwards.
I may just tag along.
Whats up?
Hey, how are you?
Stop.
It never hurts to be
friendly.
Stephen: Please welcome,
Lucas hedges!
( Cheers and applause )
Do they usually stand?
( Cheers and applause )
Do they usually stand?
Stephen: No.
Is it just for me?
Stephen: Just for you.
No way!
Stephen: Just for you.
( Cheers and applause )
Why shouldnt they?
I know youre a young man, but
you have a fantastic body of
work, already.
"Manchester by the sea," "lady
bird," three billboards outside
ebbing, Missouri, and now "Ben
is back."
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Stephen: Are you old enough
to drink?
I am.
Stephen: Can I see I.D.
Please?
( Applause )
I heard you have drinks here.
Im turning 22 in three weeks.
Lets have a drink!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: I have no mixers.
This is crazy.
Stephen: I have no mixers.
O I heard.
Stephen: I have rum, I have
bourbon, I have Tequila, and I
have vodka.
I dont know, man...
Stephen: When the eventual
behind the music is done about
your life, theyre not going to
run this, are they?
No.
( Laughter )
Stephen: What will you
have?
I dont know.
Stephen: If you dont know,
have the rum.
If we have the Tequila, well
end up fist fighting.
( Laughter )
Okay, man.
How fun.
Stephen: You tend to play
serious roles.
Those things I named are pretty
serious roles.
But I bet you would be
hilarious.
Do you want to do any silly
comedies?
ID love to, actually.
I feel like its much truer to
who I am in many ways.
For whatever reason, I find it
much easier to yell and cry than
it is to be funny.
Stephen: Sometimes yelling
and crying is very funny.
Do you find it easy to yell
and cry or is it just easier...
( Laughter )
Thats pretty good.
Mmm!
Stephen: Oooh!
Mm-mmm!
( Laughter )
Stephen: The new movie "Ben
is back" is written by your dad.
Yeah.
Stephen: Peter hedges and
directed by him.
Yep.
Stephen: Did he write it
with you in mind?
I think so.
I hope so.
Stephen: He hasnt told
you?
No, he did.
He did.
I just dont want the say, like,
yeah, he wrote it for me.
I guess it doesnt sound that
stuck up.
But, anyway, he did write it for
me and I never... you know, I
have been thinking a lot about
it today because we have the
premiere tonight and I have been
thinking a lot about just
meditating a lot on what my
dads given me, and hes really
the only reason im here, in
many reasons.
Like, he gave me...
Stephen: And your mother.
Yeah, well, in terms of, like...
Stephen: You know how
babies are made.
( Laughter )
Right now youre on Broadway in
the waverly gallery with this
young lady right here.
( Cheers and applause )
That is the one, the only, the
legendary Elaine may.
What an extraordinary gift to be
able to perform with Elaine may.
Yeah.
Stephen: She, of course, is
one of the great masters of
improvisation.
She did shows for many years
with Mike Nichols.
In the same theater were in.
She did an evening with Nichols
in the golden.
Stephen: In 1959 or
something like that?
Yes.
Stephen: Is this your first
Broadway show?
Yeah.
Stephen: Broadways got a a
lot of traditions and
superstitions.
Do you do, like, a traditional
warmup?
Oh, yeah.
Stephen: What do you do to
get ready for a show.
I guess this would go under
the category of tradition and
superstition.
Ive started sing ago lot of
cats, the musical, before the
shows.
Stephen: Now, why would you
do that?
I find that its a very dark
play, and I mostly do dark
movies, but theres a part of
me, deep down inside, that just
wants to move.
( Cheers and applause )
And I find that cats is, in some
respects, the purest form of
just articulating that kind of
inner movement or inner dialogue
that doesnt always get to go
above the surface.
Stephen: Do you sing cat
songs?
I sort of run around and
dance it and sing it
occasionally.
Stephen: Do you act like a
cat when you do it?
You cant not act like a cat.
Stephen: I bet I could.
How could you...
Stephen:
( Laughter )
Stephen: Well, whats your
favorite cat song?
Rum tum tugger is the good
one, so is Gus the theater cat.
Stephen: Do you know any of
that stuff?
No.
Stephen: Can you give me a
little rum tum...
♪
( Cheers and applause )
You cant do that.
No, man.
♪
how do you know this?
Stephen: He knows
everything!
I actually cant tell if this
is my worst nightmare or, like,
the dream that I have been
waiting for this moment.
Stephen: Lets find out.
Ladies and gentlemen, in the
performance of a lifetime...
( Cheers and applause )
No!
Come on!
( Cheers and applause )
No!
You cant do this!
Stephen: Just a little.
Just a little.
( Cheering )
Oh, my god!
I need to come around... im
coming over to you.
Stephen: Run with it.
♪ The rum tum tugger is a
curious cat ♪
Okay, here we go!
If you offer him present, youd
rather have grouse.
If you put him on a cat hed
rather chase a mouse.
If you put him on a rat hed
much prefer a cat.
If you sat him on a rat then
hed rather chase a mouse.
If he put him on a rat than ID
rather chase a mouse!
( Cheers and applause )
♪
♪
Stephen: "Ben is back" is
in theaters this Friday, Lucas
hedges, everybody!
Ill never forgive you.
Stephen: With a performance
by na than Yale rateliff and the
night sweats!
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Here performing "hey
mama" from their album, "tearing
at the seams," please welcome
back to "the late show,"
Nathaniel rateliff & the night
sweats!
(Cheers and applause
)
♪ ♪
(Cheers and applause
)
♪ ♪
♪ hey mama
its me
♪ said you better wait child
said youve been a long time
running
♪ hey mama
answer me
♪ baby boy you better sit down
cant listen when the suns out
♪ my only son, this will be so
hard to hear
♪ ♪
♪ cmon mama
what do you mean?
♪ I know youve been knocked
down
I know it aint all been easy
♪ nothing ever good really is
why you gotta wait so long
♪ why you gotta wait so long
♪ ♪
♪ but she said son
let me reason with you
♪ you think you carry such a
weight
♪ I know I never beat you, boy
better start acting like this
heres a race
♪ ♪
♪ you aint gone far enough
to say
♪ at least I tried
you aint worked hard enough to
say
♪ well ive done mine
you aint run far enough to say
♪ my legs have failed
you aint gone far enough
♪ you aint worked hard enough
you aint run far enough to say
♪ it aint gonna get any better
♪ ♪
♪ it aint gonna get any better
♪ ♪
♪ you picked a bad time
you picked a bad time to listen
to me
♪ you picked a bad time
you picked a bad time to listen
to me
♪ you picked a bad time
you picked a bad time to listen
to me
♪ you picked a bad time
you picked a bad time to listen
to me
♪ you aint gone far enough to
say
at least I tried
♪ you aint worked hard enough
to say
well ive done mine
♪ you aint run far enough to
say
my legs have failed
♪ you aint gone far enough
you aint worked hard enough
♪ you aint run far enough
to say
it aint gonna get any better ♪
(Cheers and applause
)
Stephen: Nathaniel rateliff
& the night sweats, everybody!
"Tearing at the seems."
Well be right back.
- (Cheers and applause
- ) >> Stephen: Okay, thats it for
"the late show."
Tune in tomorrow when my guests
will be Julia Roberts and
Patrick Wilson.
Now stick around for James
corden.
Chao Bella!
the g20, President Trump was the
only world leader to reject
climate change, refusing to
support the Paris climate
accords.
Im sir David Attenborough,
and this is "planet earth:
2025."
In this season, we tour the
diverse climates and biospheres
of our beloved coasts.
From the coast of Kansas to the
Gulf of Ohio.
From the wetlands of the Sahara
to the flaming penguins of the
antarctic.
Ah, whats the point?
The worlds a hot tub.
And before you ask, yes, im
drunk.
Nobody listens to David
Attenborough.
Now im forced to survive in a
submarine with James Cameron.
All he talks about is "avatar."
Stupid movie, fake animals.
Only on "planet earth."
Announcer: Its the "late
show" with Stephen Colbert.
Tonight, a farewell to 41.
Plus, Stephen welcomes Catherine
zeta-Jones, Lucas hedges, and
musical guest Nathaniel rateliff
and the night sweats.
Featuring Jon batiste and "stay
human."
And now live open tape from...
On tape from the ed Sullivan
theater in New York City, its
Stephen Colbert!
( Cheers and applause )
( Theme song playing )
Stephen: Whoo!
Hello!
( Cheers and applause )
Please, sit down, everybody!
Thank you very much!
Thank you so much, ladies and
gentlemen!
Oh!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Welcome!
Welcome one and all to "the late
show."
Im your host, Stephen Colbert.
( Piano riff )
( Cheers and applause )
I want to wish a happy chanukah
to my Jewish viewers.
( Cheers and applause )
Jon: Yeah, Jacob hurst.
Stephen: But only them.
Okay?
( Laughter )
Its an honor system.
If youre not Jewish, no
chanukah wishes for you!
Let them have this!
( Laughter )
This is a solemn week in
America, because of the passing
of president George h.W. Bush,
the last president from the
greatest generation.
( Cheers and applause )
Bush served in world war ii as a
torpedo bomber pilot in the
pacific theater.
Flew 58 missions.
When his plane got hit by
Japanese anti-aircraft guns, he
had to bail out, and this is
actual footage of a young George
h.w. Bush being rescued by the
crew of a submarine.
The closest our current
president has got to a submarine
is a $5 footlong.
( Laughter )
( Piano riff )
( Applause )
Of course, almost 50 years
later, bush did get back at
Japan when he threw up in the
lap of the Japanese prime
minister.
( Laughter )
Yeah, dramatic moment, dramatic
moment.
You know what they say: Revenge
is a dish best served... (Heaves)
( Laughter )
He was a republican, but he
wasnt a bitter partisan.
He worked with Bill Clinton
famously on humanitarian relief
many times, and, im happy to
say, when we took our old show
to entertain troops in Iraq in
2009, he was kind enough to do
this video for us.
♪
♪
( Cheering )
This is president George Bush
number 41, and I want to thank
our brave troops for their
courageous service to our
country.
Back in world war ii, the u.S.O.
Used to send us great big stars
like Marlene Dietrich, Lauren
bacall, and the rockettes.
Im just saying this Stephen
Colbert guy better have great
legs.
( Laughter )
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Nice.
Jon: I like that.
I like that a lot.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: And back in 2009, I
did.
( Laughter )
The 41st president was known for
the kindness and respect he
showed to even his political
rivals.
Like this note he left in the
oval office for Bill Clinton,
who defeated him in the 1992
election.
"You will be our president when
you read this note.
I wish you well.
I wish your family well.
Your success now is our
countrys success.
I am rooting hard for you."
( Cheers and applause )
We may never see the likes of
that again.
Thats the spirit you want.
Jon: Yeah.
Stephen: Thats the spirit
you want for the country.
The next oval office note is
going to read, "dear lying
loser, I wish you no luck, and I
rubbed my butt on this desk.
P.s. Be sure to feed Stephen
Miller three crickets a day, and
always lock his cage."
( Laughter )
( Cheers and applause )
H.w. Bush.
Beloved.
Only one term yet beloved.
President Trump, keep that in
mind.
( Laughter )
Meanwhile, the Mueller
investigation continues to grind
slowly forward, like the worlds
last glacier.
On Friday, we learned something
new about ex-Trump attorney and
Google image result for
"regret," Michael Cohen.
( Laughter )
In a surprise twist, Cohen
doesnt want to go to jail.
His lawyers argued that in
exchange for his cooperation
with Mueller, Cohen should be
spared prison for crimes he
committed in an abundance of
enthusiasm for Trump.
Yes, an abundance of enthusiasm.
So, unlike the women he paid off
for Trump, Cohen wasnt faking
it.
( Cheers and applause )
( Piano riff )
Trump responded this morning.
"Michael Cohen asks judge for no
prison time.
You mean he can do all of the
terrible, unrelated to Trump,
things having to do with fraud,
big loans, taxis, etc., and not
serve a long prison term?
He makes up stories to get a
great and already reduced deal
for himself, and get... dot, dot,
dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot,
dot... his wife and
father-in-law... who has the
money? off Scott free.
He lied for this outcome and
should, in my opinion, serve a
full and complete sentence."
In fact, in fact, can I make him
go to jail?
Whats the opposite of a pardon?
Is it a pard-off?
I hereby, pard-off you!"
( Cheers and applause )
( Piano riff )
( Laughter )
But Trump is pleased with
another member of his inner
circle who muellers
investigating: Political
consultant and man calling warby
Parker to ask about their return
policy, Roger stone.
Stone told reporters that he
wasnt cooperating with Mueller,
so Trump tweeted: "I will never
testify against Trump.
This statement was recently made
by Roger stone, essentially
stating that he will not be
forced by a rogue and out of
control prosecutor to make up
lies and stories about
President Trump.
Nice to know that some people
still have guts!"
( Laughter )
Why did he put President Trump
in quotes?
( Cheers and applause )
Jon: Well, then, the quotes
mean...
Stephen: Does he think his
presidency is as much as of a
joke as we do?
( Laughter )
"Oh yeah, that President Trump
is really great for the
country and totally wont be
compared by historians to a mad
inbred king who wanted to marry
an "oak tree.""
( Laughter )
"I lost the hand gestures there,
brief."
( Laughter )
Trump really doesnt want to
talk about the Mueller
investigation, which is why hes
been dodging press conferences.
In fact, this is what he tweeted
on his way out of the g20
summit: "I was very much looking
forward to having a press
conference just prior to leaving
Argentina because we have had
such great success in our
dealing with various countries
and their leaders at the g20...
Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot,
dot, dot... however, out of
respect for the bush family and
former president George h.W.
Bush, we will wait until after
the funeral to have a press
conference."
While that is... thoughtful, im
going out on a limb and say, I
dont think he ever wanted to do
a press conference.
"I also canceled my press
conference today, December 3rd,
out of respect for Brendan
frasers birthday.
( Laughter )
Brendan fought bravely in "the
numby wars."
Thats the middle eastern war
you dont hear about, the mummy
wamplets gone too soon, Brendan.
Anyway, Trump was eager to leave
the g20.
As evidenced in what was
supposed to be a long group
photo op, starting with
Argentine president Mauricio
macri.
Theyre shaking hands with macri
and Trump is out of there.
Wait, here comes the Trump
handler.
There he is, and off screen he
goes.
And macri says look at that blue
wall.
Whats going on?
Is he coming back?
No, okay.
They learned their lesson,
though.
For the rest of the summit,
Trump was on one of those kid
leashes.
( Cheers and applause )
( Piano riff )
While he was there, Trump had a
major meeting over dinner with
Chinese president xi jinping,
seen here signaling to his third
base coach to jail a dissident.
( Laughter )
At the meeting, Trump agreed to
cancel a
planned January first tariff
increase in return for increased
Chinese purchases of American
farm and industrial goods.
In celebration, Trump tweeted,
"my meeting in Argentina with
president xi of China was an
extraordinary one.
Relations with China have taken
a big leap forward!
Very good things will happen.
We are dealing from great
strength, but China likewise has
much to gain if and when a deal
is completed.
Level the field!"
Very important, he wants a level
field.
Because he cant walk uphill.
( Laughter )
"The bone spurs."
( Cheers and applause )
( Piano riff )
They can fix that, right?
Sure, why not?
And Trump knows who the big
winners will be: "Farmers will
be a... a very big and fast
beneficiary of our deal with
China.
They intend to start purchasing
agricultural product
immediately.
We make the finest and cleanest
product in the world, and that
is what China wants.
Farmers, I love you!"
( Laughter )
Upon hearing this, Eric and Don
Jr. immediately changed their
wardrobe.
( Laughter )
( Cheers and applause )
"Hey, dad, the cow goes moo.
Love me!"
( Laughter )
Trump thinks theres more he and
xi, and a special someone, can
accomplish.
"I am certain that, at some time
in the future, president xi and
I, together with president putin
of Russia, will start talking
about a meaningful halt to what
has become a major and
uncontrollable arms race.
The U.S. spent $716 billion this
year.
Crazy!"
thats crazy!
$716 billion on defense!
What idiot wanted to spend that
much on defense anyway?
$716 billion to give you the
finest planes and ships and
tanks and missiles.
$716 billion approved for our
military, we had to do it.
$716 billion to fully rebuild
our great American military.
The beautiful thing with when
you hear $716 billion is its
all made in the usa.
Stephen: Yes, $716 billion,
its beautiful and its crazy,
like a murderer with a sexy mug
shot or a very angry
cheeseburger."
( Cheers and applause )
Weve got a great show for you
tonight.
Catherine zeta-Jones is here.
Lucas hedges is here!
Lucas hedges is here!
But when we come back, a happy
story of love and the sewer.
Stick around!
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Hey, everybody!
Give it up for Jon batiste and
stay human, everybody.
( Cheers and applause )
Im in the holiday spirit.
( Cheers and applause )
Thank you, everybody.
Jon, what did you do this
weekend?
Jon: I was at the Kennedy
center honors, I was playing
there.
Stephen: Who were you there
to honor?
Jon: Phillip glass.
Stephen: I like the Kennedy
center honors, they kick off the
holiday season for me.
Im holidayed up.
Give me every movie, ill watch
the hallmark movies, the
lifetime ones, the black and
white ones, the peanuts.
Im ready to shop.
Jon: What are you going to
buy?
Stephen: What am I going to
buy?
Im going to buy "whose boat is
this boat?"!
( Cheers and applause )
Jon: That book doing some
good stuff out here for a good
cause!
Stephen: Right now, this is -
book to have the mere is
Michelle obamas book.
She was here on Friday.
Overall, I think, for the year,
this is the number seven
best-selling book in America
this year on Amazon.
Lets get this to number two.
I dont want to beat the first
lady, but lets get this to
number two because it all goes
to the victims of the hurricanes
and, Georgia, get yourself on
santas good list, please!
( Cheers and applause )
There is so much terrible news
out there, that im always on
the lookout for feel-good
stories in my brand-new,
long-running segment: "Stephen
colberts happy endings."
( Whistle )
( Laughter )
Tonights "happy ending"
happened right here in times
square... not for the first time.
A couple flew to New York from
england, and the man proposed in
central park.
But the ring was too big, so
while the couple was walking
through Times Square, it slipped
off and fell through a sidewalk
grate!
The man desperately tries to get
it back, lying down on the
sidewalk, but its gone.
There are only two good reasons
to lay down on the sidewalk in
Times Square: Lost engagement
ring and playing dead in an elmo
fight.
( Laughter )
Apparently, the incident
happened near the olive garden
in Times Square.
The couple flagged down officers
in the area for help, then left
without filing a police report
or providing their contact
information.
I dont blame them.
You dont want it on record that
you flew all the way to New York
city and went to an olive
garden.
( Laughter )
But heres how the ending turned
happy.
After calling in the N.Y.P.D.
Special ops, the N.Y.P.D. Found
the ring.
( Cheers and applause )
They found the damn ring!
Which is great news for the
engaged couple and heartbreaking
news for the Times Square
gollum.
( Laughter )
After finding the ring, the
N.Y.p.d. Posted on social media
asking for help tracking down
the couple, which they did, and
yesterday the police tweeted,
"we would like to thank everyone
who shared this story!
The now happy couple is back in
their home country, but thanks
to your retweets, they heard we
were looking for them!
Were making arrangements to get
them their ring back.
Congratulations!"
( Cheers and applause )
Yes!
Another happy ending thanks to
the benevolence of the Internet.
Thats what I love about the
web, just people helping people.
( Laughter )
Jon: Yeah.
Yeah, all the time.
Stephen: The NYPD even post
add
picture of the couple back in
england still together and with
a ring.
( Cheers and applause )
Thats nice.
Thats nice.
Jon: Yeah, yeah!
Stephen: Sadly, after
leaving that bar, they both fell
directly into an open manhole.
Well be right back with
Catherine zeta-Jones.
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Hey, everybody!
Welcome back to the program!
Ladies and gentlemen,
my first guest is an Oscar and
Tony winner you know from
"Chicago," "intolerable
cruelty," and "feud."
Please welcome, Catherine
zeta-Jones!
( Cheers and applause )
Wow!
( Cheers and applause )
Wow!
Stephen: Thank you very
much!
Thanks for being here!
Thank you!
What a lovely, lovely reception.
Thank you!
Stephen: They are lovely
people.
Theyre so excited youre here,
and so am I.
So am I.
Stephen: Weve never met
before.
I know.
Im a huge fan of you in the
show and you had my husband on a
few weeks ago so its a family
affair, so im happy to be here.
Stephen: Were happy to
have you
( cheers and applause )
As I was saying in the
introduction, youre a film
star, a Tony winner, a star of
stage and screen.
You started off as a second
understudy in the "west-end of
London."
See if ive got the right photo.
Is that what were talking
about?
Thats me, baby.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Here we are.
( Laughter )
Well, yeah, I was a second
understudy and its like a show
within a show.
I was second understudy and the
star was off on holiday.
Stephen: In real life.
In real life.
The first understudy hurt her
knee, and, so, I was 17 years
old and I was literally thrown
on.
Stephen: As the lead in the
west-end of London.
I was in the Cho Russ.
The producer was in London
checking on the show.
I was in the audience, he cast
me.
I played the role for two years
when I was 17, 18.
( Cheers and applause )
Im just a tap dancer.
Im a hoofer and proud of it.
Stephen: Just like Jimmy
cagney, youre just a hoofer.
A hoofer, honey.
Stephen: You won an Oscar.
Im not surprised now because I
did not know you were a hoofer
but you won your Oscar for
Chicago.
Keepers can I point something
out here?
I want to point out something
here.
You have Bob haircuts in both
these but theyre very different
Bob haircuts.
They really are.
Stephen: Its a subtle
difference.
Its the jazz that does it.
I have tap shoes on here and I
have a serious jazz face and
jazz hand.
Stephen: Whats a jazz
hand?
Do.
That again.
Stephen: I studied hand
dancing for a long time.
All right.
Stephen: What is jazz face?
Jazz face is... and thats
jazz...
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Do you have to say
"and thats jazz" to get the
face down?
Yeah, and thats jazz...
( Laughter )
Okay.
Ill sing and then "and thats
jazz" at the end.
And all that jazz ♪
Stephen: And thats jazz...
( Cheers and applause )
Is that jazz?
( Cheers and applause )
Thats what im talking
about!
Yeah.
Stephen: Put me in.
Put me in.
Youre in the sequel.
Stephen: I have another
photo here.
Youre a seamstress.
Im making curtains.
Stephen: Do you make
prototypes and that sort of
thing.
Yeah.
Stephen: Because this is
you starting to make these.
I think im in my pajamas
there.
Oh, no, ive got clothes on.
Thats okay.
Stephen: Heres the final
product.
Yeah.
Stephen: You made those
drapes right there.
Yeah.
Stephen: Where did you
learn... thats a big thing.
Where did you learn this?
My mother was a seamstress.
My grandmother was... my great
grandmother, if it was a eshow
years ago called upstairs
downstairs, where the rich
person was upstairs and my
grandmother was downstairs in
the rich peoples homes, and she
used to make all the ladies
underwear and garments and sew
lace and she taught me.
This acting thing just came out.
I should be making pillows.
Its a great creative outlastlet
for me.
I love doing it.
Now I get to do it as a
business.
Its fun.
Stephen: You and your
husband lived on Bermuda how
many years now?
We lived there since my son
was one.
We brought the kids up there.
You have kids probably around
the same age as mine.
Stephen: Probably older
than yours.
Okay.
Stephen: The my kids are
45.
( Laughter )
Theyre not, are they?
Stephen: Mid 40s.
Youre looking really good.
Stephen: You, too.
Moisturize.
Moisturize.
Ill send you my doctors
number.
Exactly.
Please.
Stephen: Ive actually
driven by your house.
Anyway, its a crazy world
and these kids dont ask to be
thrown into hi... into this
scrutiny.
Stephen: Did they know
youre famous?
It was so funny, when my kids
were at school, they were doing
occupations at the school, you
know.
Stephen: What do mom and
dad do.
What do mom and dad do.
At that time, I was doing, like
you mentioned, "intolerable
cruelty" and all that stuff, and
Michael was laying low and
enjoying fatherhood for the
second time around and that
stuff.
So in "the occupations" the kids
said my mom makes movies, my dad
makes pancakes.
( Laughter )
Stephen: Thats not bad.
And then Mike is like, damn
it!
Two oscars and a 50-year career
and my kids just think I made
pancakes!
So children are so humbling, but
he did have to take them to his
office on the lot and show the
posters and the awards.
But he got over it?
You have a new series on
Facebook "watch" which I think
were on, on this show.
Its called "queen America."
You may a beauty pageant coach.
We have a clip.
Can you tell us whats going on?
I play a beauty pageant coach
if Tulsa, ruthless, determined,
demanding.
Stephen: Got to be.
Youve got to be.
But its a world which
fascinates me because, on the
outside of the show, you think
its very fluffy and frivolous,
but its a real, real fractured
character I play, and then... I
think the clip of the show is me
with my new future pageant
queen, and im just training her
with a big argument with my
sister, who I was from the other
side of the tracks and I
scrubbed up really well.
Stephen: Jim?
Order some takeout.
Good.
Im starving.
Youre not allowed restaurant
food.
Were not even hungry, we
already had senorita tacos.
It was grade d meat, and we
loved it!
( Bang )
( Sigh )
My family fights a lot, too.
Samantha, one thing you will
figure out during our training
is that, although learning how
to speak well is important,
learning when not to speak at
all is even more so.
( Applause )
Stephen: Sound wisdom.
Kind of true, right.
Stephen: Yeah.
So lovely to see you.
So lovely to be here.
Stephen: "Queen America" airs
Sundays on Facebook watch.
Catherine-zeta Jones, everybody!
Well be right back with Lucas
hedges.
( Cheers and applause )
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody!
Welcome back to "the late show"!
My next guest is an
Oscar-nominated actor you know
from "Manchester by the sea" and
"lady bird."
His new film is "Ben is back."
Im so proud of you, knowing
what you need.
I think its so great.
Like they say, its working, and
when you... what do they say?
It works if you work it.
Well, you are working it.
Oh, what...
Youre not coming in.
Of course I am.
No, mom.
Im good.
Its a meeting.
Im going to come right out
afterwards.
I may just tag along.
Whats up?
Hey, how are you?
Stop.
It never hurts to be
friendly.
Stephen: Please welcome,
Lucas hedges!
( Cheers and applause )
Do they usually stand?
( Cheers and applause )
Do they usually stand?
Stephen: No.
Is it just for me?
Stephen: Just for you.
No way!
Stephen: Just for you.
( Cheers and applause )
Why shouldnt they?
I know youre a young man, but
you have a fantastic body of
work, already.
"Manchester by the sea," "lady
bird," three billboards outside
ebbing, Missouri, and now "Ben
is back."
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Stephen: Are you old enough
to drink?
I am.
Stephen: Can I see I.D.
Please?
( Applause )
I heard you have drinks here.
Im turning 22 in three weeks.
Lets have a drink!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: I have no mixers.
This is crazy.
Stephen: I have no mixers.
O I heard.
Stephen: I have rum, I have
bourbon, I have Tequila, and I
have vodka.
I dont know, man...
Stephen: When the eventual
behind the music is done about
your life, theyre not going to
run this, are they?
No.
( Laughter )
Stephen: What will you
have?
I dont know.
Stephen: If you dont know,
have the rum.
If we have the Tequila, well
end up fist fighting.
( Laughter )
Okay, man.
How fun.
Stephen: You tend to play
serious roles.
Those things I named are pretty
serious roles.
But I bet you would be
hilarious.
Do you want to do any silly
comedies?
ID love to, actually.
I feel like its much truer to
who I am in many ways.
For whatever reason, I find it
much easier to yell and cry than
it is to be funny.
Stephen: Sometimes yelling
and crying is very funny.
Do you find it easy to yell
and cry or is it just easier...
( Laughter )
Thats pretty good.
Mmm!
Stephen: Oooh!
Mm-mmm!
( Laughter )
Stephen: The new movie "Ben
is back" is written by your dad.
Yeah.
Stephen: Peter hedges and
directed by him.
Yep.
Stephen: Did he write it
with you in mind?
I think so.
I hope so.
Stephen: He hasnt told
you?
No, he did.
He did.
I just dont want the say, like,
yeah, he wrote it for me.
I guess it doesnt sound that
stuck up.
But, anyway, he did write it for
me and I never... you know, I
have been thinking a lot about
it today because we have the
premiere tonight and I have been
thinking a lot about just
meditating a lot on what my
dads given me, and hes really
the only reason im here, in
many reasons.
Like, he gave me...
Stephen: And your mother.
Yeah, well, in terms of, like...
Stephen: You know how
babies are made.
( Laughter )
Right now youre on Broadway in
the waverly gallery with this
young lady right here.
( Cheers and applause )
That is the one, the only, the
legendary Elaine may.
What an extraordinary gift to be
able to perform with Elaine may.
Yeah.
Stephen: She, of course, is
one of the great masters of
improvisation.
She did shows for many years
with Mike Nichols.
In the same theater were in.
She did an evening with Nichols
in the golden.
Stephen: In 1959 or
something like that?
Yes.
Stephen: Is this your first
Broadway show?
Yeah.
Stephen: Broadways got a a
lot of traditions and
superstitions.
Do you do, like, a traditional
warmup?
Oh, yeah.
Stephen: What do you do to
get ready for a show.
I guess this would go under
the category of tradition and
superstition.
Ive started sing ago lot of
cats, the musical, before the
shows.
Stephen: Now, why would you
do that?
I find that its a very dark
play, and I mostly do dark
movies, but theres a part of
me, deep down inside, that just
wants to move.
( Cheers and applause )
And I find that cats is, in some
respects, the purest form of
just articulating that kind of
inner movement or inner dialogue
that doesnt always get to go
above the surface.
Stephen: Do you sing cat
songs?
I sort of run around and
dance it and sing it
occasionally.
Stephen: Do you act like a
cat when you do it?
You cant not act like a cat.
Stephen: I bet I could.
How could you...
Stephen:
( Laughter )
Stephen: Well, whats your
favorite cat song?
Rum tum tugger is the good
one, so is Gus the theater cat.
Stephen: Do you know any of
that stuff?
No.
Stephen: Can you give me a
little rum tum...
♪
( Cheers and applause )
You cant do that.
No, man.
♪
how do you know this?
Stephen: He knows
everything!
I actually cant tell if this
is my worst nightmare or, like,
the dream that I have been
waiting for this moment.
Stephen: Lets find out.
Ladies and gentlemen, in the
performance of a lifetime...
( Cheers and applause )
No!
Come on!
( Cheers and applause )
No!
You cant do this!
Stephen: Just a little.
Just a little.
( Cheering )
Oh, my god!
I need to come around... im
coming over to you.
Stephen: Run with it.
♪ The rum tum tugger is a
curious cat ♪
Okay, here we go!
If you offer him present, youd
rather have grouse.
If you put him on a cat hed
rather chase a mouse.
If you put him on a rat hed
much prefer a cat.
If you sat him on a rat then
hed rather chase a mouse.
If he put him on a rat than ID
rather chase a mouse!
( Cheers and applause )
♪
♪
Stephen: "Ben is back" is
in theaters this Friday, Lucas
hedges, everybody!
Ill never forgive you.
Stephen: With a performance
by na than Yale rateliff and the
night sweats!
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Here performing "hey
mama" from their album, "tearing
at the seams," please welcome
back to "the late show,"
Nathaniel rateliff & the night
sweats!
(Cheers and applause
)
♪ ♪
(Cheers and applause
)
♪ ♪
♪ hey mama
its me
♪ said you better wait child
said youve been a long time
running
♪ hey mama
answer me
♪ baby boy you better sit down
cant listen when the suns out
♪ my only son, this will be so
hard to hear
♪ ♪
♪ cmon mama
what do you mean?
♪ I know youve been knocked
down
I know it aint all been easy
♪ nothing ever good really is
why you gotta wait so long
♪ why you gotta wait so long
♪ ♪
♪ but she said son
let me reason with you
♪ you think you carry such a
weight
♪ I know I never beat you, boy
better start acting like this
heres a race
♪ ♪
♪ you aint gone far enough
to say
♪ at least I tried
you aint worked hard enough to
say
♪ well ive done mine
you aint run far enough to say
♪ my legs have failed
you aint gone far enough
♪ you aint worked hard enough
you aint run far enough to say
♪ it aint gonna get any better
♪ ♪
♪ it aint gonna get any better
♪ ♪
♪ you picked a bad time
you picked a bad time to listen
to me
♪ you picked a bad time
you picked a bad time to listen
to me
♪ you picked a bad time
you picked a bad time to listen
to me
♪ you picked a bad time
you picked a bad time to listen
to me
♪ you aint gone far enough to
say
at least I tried
♪ you aint worked hard enough
to say
well ive done mine
♪ you aint run far enough to
say
my legs have failed
♪ you aint gone far enough
you aint worked hard enough
♪ you aint run far enough
to say
it aint gonna get any better ♪
(Cheers and applause
)
Stephen: Nathaniel rateliff
& the night sweats, everybody!
"Tearing at the seems."
Well be right back.
- (Cheers and applause
- ) >> Stephen: Okay, thats it for
"the late show."
Tune in tomorrow when my guests
will be Julia Roberts and
Patrick Wilson.
Now stick around for James
corden.
Chao Bella!