The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 18 - Morgan Freeman/Judith Light/Jimmy Eat World - full transcript
Morgan Freeman (Madam Secretary (2014)); Judith Light (Transparent (2014)). Also: Jimmy Eat World perform.
A federal court judge in
Brooklyn striking back against
new Yorks ban on nunchucks, the
martial arts weapon made famous,
of course, by Bruce Lee.
Theyve been banned in the state
since 1974.
But now a judge has ruled the
bans unconstitutional.
We now go to the closing
arguments.
Ah-ha!
Banning nunchucks is a violation
of the second amendment.
You fool, what if they fall
into the hands of miscreant
youth?
Your litigation is good, but
mine is better.
We shall see.
Nunchucks are not only a
martial arts weapon but have
recreational and therapeutic
utility.
You have fought a noble
battle.
I concede.
( Laughter )
Nunchucks for everyone!
Now let us argue the benefits of
legalized marijuana.
It is a gateway drug.
Its "the late show with
Stephen Colbert."
Tonight, justice can wait.
Plus, Stephen welcomes
Emily blunt
congressman Adam schiff.
Featuring Jon batiste and stay
human.
And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York
city, its Stephen Colbert!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Wooo!
Hello!
How are you?
Hey!
Thats nice.
Hi, Mark.
Hay, everybody.
Hey, everybody, please.
Have a seat.
Thank you so much.
Youre too kind.
Welcome, one and all, ladies and
gentlemen to "the late show."
Im your host, Stephen Colbert.
I am beginning--
(
cheers and applause )
I am beginning to think Donald
Trump destroys everyone he
touches.
He is like the king midas of
crap.
The latest Trump aide to hit the
fan is former national security
advisor and dad from a twisted
sister video, Michael Flynn.
( Laughter )
Flynn was in federal court today
to be sentenced for lying to the
f.B.I.
And Trump was on the sidelines,
cheering him on:
(As Trump):
"Good luck today in court to
general Michael Flynn.
Will be interesting to see what
he has to say, despite
tremendous pressure being put
upon him about Russian collusion
in our great and, obviously,
highly successful political
campaign.
There was no collusion!"
(
laughter )
That is-- I think--
(
cheers and applause )
Im pretty sure thats just
witness tampering in real time.
(As Trump):
"Good luck to Michael Flynn on
keeping his trap shut.
Your son and I will be watching
your testimony, and then were
going to feed my alligators.
They normally eat rats and rat
children."
( Laughter )
Now, even though Flynn pleaded
guilty to lying to the f.B.I.,
last week, flynns lawyer
submitted a sentencing memo
explaining it wasnt his fault,
because agents hadnt warned
Flynn it was a crime to lie to
the f.B.I.
Of course, good point.
How was he supposed to know?
They got to tell him.
Just like how hospitals all have
to post signs that say "do not
steal cough medicine and then
burn down this building."
( Laughter )
So today-- oh, a little coff
medicine.
The flames talk to you.
So, today, flynns lawyers
seemed ready to argue that their
client "had been tricked into
lying."
Yes, the f.B.I. Has a clever way
to trick anyone who works for
Trump into lying.
They ask them a question.
But if Flynn felt like he was
tricked, why was he pleading
guilty?
Thats what was on the mind of
us district court judge and man
who convicted himself of
aggravated soul patch, Emmett
Sullivan.
Another so judge Sullivan made
sure Flynn knew that what he did
was wrong.
Heres how it went down:
Sullivan asked if he wanted to
challenge the circumstance of
the f.B.I. Interview.
Flynn says no.
Then Sullivan asks Flynn if he
was aware that lying to the
f.b.i. Was illegal.
"I was aware," Flynn says.
Sullivan asks if Flynn is ready
to accept responsibility.
"I am, your honor," Flynn
answers forcefully.
Sullivan asks if Flynn would
rather postpone the proceedings.
Flynn declines the offer.
Adding, "I would like to
proceed."
"Because youre guilty?"
"Yes, your honor."
( Laughter )
Over and over, the judge asks
Flynn, "do you really want to do
this?"
Hes like a tattoo artist at
2:00 A.M. with a drunk customer
who keeps saying, "no, im sure
I want my whole back covered
with a picture of tweety bird
puking on Calvin."
( Laughter )
Then Sullivan scolded Flynn
about his illegal lobbying for
Turkey:
"You were an unregistered agent
of a foreign country while
serving as the national security
adviser to the president!
Arguably, this undermines
everything this flag over here
stands for!
Arguably, you sold your country
out!"
How are flynns lawyers going to
get out of that?
"Your honor, my client had no
idea that undermining everything
the flag stands for was a crime!
The f.B.I. Should have told
him."
The judge went on to ask the
prosecutors if Michael flynns
conduct "rises to the level
of treasonous activity," to
which the prosecutors replied,
they "did not consider charging
Flynn with treason."
Then the judge asked again,
"could he have been charged with
treason?"
(
laughter )
Probably not a great sign when
youre not charged with treason
but the judge really wants to
know why not.
(As judge)
"Are you sure?
Are you sure?
Because the treason space is
still open on my judge bingo
card here."
Sullivan told Flynn, "the more
you assist the government, the
more you arguably help yourself
at the time of sentencing."
He then declared a recess to let
Flynn consider whether he wanted
to proceed and let the judge
impose a punishment, or to delay
and cooperate more with the
special counsel in hopes of
leniency.
Thats a tough call, like
choosing between apples and
decades in prison.
( Laughter )
So Flynn said, "yeah, ill take
that apple, please."
Of course, trumps going to get
a break over the holiday season,
but he might not enjoy it,
because, apparently, the
president doesnt like
Christmas.
One person close to the white
house says its "because its
not about him!
If it were about him, hed love
it.
Christmas is not about him."
( Cheers and applause )
Jon: Its definitely not
about him.
Stephen: How self-obsessed
can you get?
ID say hes scrooge, but Trump
would probably enjoy a
visit from those ghosts.
(As Trump):
"Hey, this guys pointing to a
grave with my name on it.
Pretty sweet!
Were talking about me!"
(
laughter )
When Trump does go to the white
house parties, he has a tough
time of the.
One White House officials said,
"its just a lot.
He just gets impatient.
He likes to go, go, go.
Sitting through things, he gets
restless."
So the president of the united
states doesnt like fancy
cocktail parties for the same
reason a four-year-old doesnt
like fancy cocktail parties.
(As child Trump):
"This is so boring.
When do we get to go?
This tie itches.
Mommy, can I at least have your
phone so I can play Twitter?"
( Laughter )
(
applause )
"Closer?
Mommy?
Mommy?"
closer to home, there is news
about former CBS chairman and
reason we all have to go through
sensitivity training, les
moonves.
Youll recall that moonves left
CBS after allegations of sexual
harassment and assault.
CBS investigated the claims and
determined that les moonves will
not receive his $120 million
severance.
( Cheers and applause )
Wait.
Hold on.
Wait.
I think our network has the
perfect sound effect for this!
(Price is right losing horn)
I wonder whats going to happen
to all that money.
$120 million.
Im pretty sure it goes to me
(
laughter )
Do I get it?
I get half of it.
I get half of it.
The other half goes to Tom
sellecks mustache.
Investigators say moonves should
forfeit the severance in part
because of "his willful failure
to cooperate fully with the
companys investigation."
How on earth did les moonves
think hed get away with that?
Every show he green lit for the
last 20 years was about
investigations.
( Laughter )
On the bright side-- on
♪ on the bright side
(
applause )
On the bright side, CBS has
enough material for a new
procedural: "NCIS: Human
resources."
( Laughter )
(
applause )
Were going to need your key
card.
( Laughter )
But dont worry about
Mr. Moonves.
In the past ten years, his
compensation totaled more than
$1 billion.
$1 billion!
With an illion!
Whats he going to do now?
What job could a famous TV
billionaire with sexual
allegations possibly get--
oh, my god!
Oh!
( Cheers and applause )
Oh!
Hed still be better.
Meanwhile, big news out of new
York state, where yesterday,
governor Andrew cuomo announced
he is moving to legalize
recreational marijuana in new
York within months.
( Cheers and applause )
Yes.
Yes, legalized marijuana is
coming to the big apple, which
will now be cored out and turned
into a bong.
( Laughter )
Thats right, "the city that
never sleeps" is going to become
"the city that nods out with a
meatball sub on its belly while
watching planet earth."
And thanks to short-term memory
loss, it will be easier than
ever for new yorkers to
"fuhggedaboudit."
( Laughter )
"Fuhggedaboudit."
Cuomo says legalization will
stop minorities from being
unfairly targeted by the justice
system and framed the speech as
a reflection on what Franklin
delano Roosevelt, who was once a
New York governor himself, would
do today.
Oh, yes, this is absolutely in
the spirit of f.D.R.
We all remember his famous
inaugural address:
The only thing we have to
fear, is-- wait, you hear
something?
Is that the cops?
Quick, flush the weed!
Im freakin bro!
Weve got a great show for you
tonight.
( Cheers and applause )
The lovely, the talented Emily
blunt is here.
But when we return, "meanwhile!"
Stick around.
( Cheers and applause )
♪ ♪
( Band playing )
(
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Jon batiste and
stay human, everybody!
"Tighten up."
( Cheers and applause )
Jon: Come on, tighten it
up.
Stephen: Jon, you guys
sound amazing tonight.
Jon: Thank you, thank you.
Stephen: You know who else
sounds amazing who I did not
realize has a beautiful voice?
Our guest tonight, Emily blunt.
One of my favorite guests.
An absolute delight.
Jon: Mary poppins.
Stephen: Shes Mary poppins
now.
Jon: Its amazing.
Stephen: Thats an amazing
movie.
Jon: Yeah.
Stephen: People are calling
it a gift, a Christmas gift.
Stephen: Heres another
agreement Christmas gift to the
world, the "cartoon president"
on showtime is now available on
DVD right there.
Jon: There it is.
All of us right there.
Stephen: Heres something,
heres something that I did not
know-- they still make DVDs.
( Laughter )
Get them while they still do.
Its a great bargain.
Great bargain, right?
Whats this cost?
We dont know.
Okay.
Whatever it is, its cheap at
twice the price.
You know, there are so many big
news stories that sometimes the
news bursts its banks and has to
be sluiced into our segment of
news runoff that I call,
"meanwhile."
( Cheers and applause )
♪ tighten up
meanwhile, great news for karate
masters and ninja turtles,
because on Friday, a federal
court ruled "new Yorks
nunchucks ban is
unconstitutional."
Thank god!
Ive been walking around
completely defenseless!
Plus, its been so much more
dangerous with people whipping
around two guns attached by a
chain.
This is great.
Nunchucks are no longer banned.
Also, nunchucks were banned?
Yes, back in 1974, nunchucks
were outlawed in New York "out
of concern over the rising
popularity of kung fu movies."
Back then, everybody was kung fu
fighting.
( Laughter )
Those kicks were fast as
lightning, and ill be honest,
it was a little bit frightening.
( Laughter )
The legal challenge--
( cheers and applause )
The legal challenge to the ban
was brought by a professor "who
filed a complaint after being
charged with possession of
nunchucks."
Why would you complain about
that?
"Possession of nunchucks" is the
coolest thing you can be charged
with.
Its like getting upset about
being charged with "wearing
sunglasses to prom " or " reckless
driving while having a
threesome."
Professor nunchucks argued that
the weapon has "a long and proud
history in martial arts, with
recreational, therapeutic, and
self-defense utility."
I actually went to a nunchuck
therapist once.
He just blamed all my problems
on my dads nunchucks.
( Laughter )
Meanwhile--
( laughter )
A human heart was left on a
southwest flight.
What a terrifying experience.
That heart had to fly southwest.
( Laughter )
It seems, apparently, the heart
was mistakenly kept on the
connecting flight instead of
being taken out of the cargo
hold in Seattle, causing the
Dallas-bound flight to turn
around.
At least you know that human
heart was safe in the cargo
hold, where they keep all
the anxious, hungry dogs.
But dont worry, no one was
harmed, because investigators
found that "the heart had no
intended recipient."
Does it need one?
Why cant a heart just go to
Seattle?
Maybe it wanted to see the space
needle, or go to the original
Starbucks.
Sure, its just like any other
Starbucks, but the heart wants
what it wants.
( Laughter )
Meanwhile--
( cheers and applause )
"Meanwhile," fans.
People love "meanwhile."
America loves "meanwhile."
Meanwhile, bad news for former
Trump advisor and evil warlock
who has come to our dimension
looking for something called the
"frost amulet," Roger stone.
Stone recently settled a lawsuit
in which he was accused of
spreading false information
on "infowars."
Hold the phone!
You can get in trouble for lying
on "infowars?"
Thats like getting kicked off
pornhub message boards for using
foul language.
"You have brought shame to the
milf-chaser community.
I cast thee out,
mamabootyfan42!"
And in addition-- in addition--
(
applause )
Wooo!
A lot of mamabooty fans out here
tonight.
And in addition to this civil
lawsuit, stone is also awaiting
indictment by Robert Mueller,
which raises the question: How
does he pay all his
legal bills?
Duh, obviously by selling
autographed rocks on Instagram.
Roger "stones," get it?
( Laughter )
Because theyre both cold,
unfeeling lumps that youd enjoy
throwing in a river.
( Laughter )
And these arent just any--
these arent just at any old
soiled rocks.
According to the description,
"this is an exact replica of the
stone that David used to take
down goliath."
Yes, its true-- the exact same
rock.
We all know what happened there:
Goliath chose scissors.
Well be right back with Emily
blunt.
( Band playing )
(
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to the show!
Folks, ladies and gentlemen, how
exciting for you.
You know my next guest from "the
devil wears Prada," "sicario,"
and "a quiet place."
She now stars in "Mary poppins
returns."
Please welcome back to "the late
show," Emily blunt!
♪ Mary dont you weep
(
cheers and applause )
♪ Mary dont you weep
(
cheers and applause )
Stephen: No, no, no, no,
no.
Thank you.
Oh, my goodness.
Wow!
How lovely.
Stephen: These are lovely
people here tonight.
What lovely people.
Wow!
Oh!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Always a pleasure.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Stephen: You look very
festive there.
Right?
Stephen: The little sparkly
sweater there.
I like the black watch pants.
You look like captain scutland.
I wondered if it was a little
too much.
Stephen: Not at all.
How have you done bn?
So good.
I have to tell you something.
You have the cutest run ive
ever seen, ever.
Like, you rup out here, and you
look like a spright-- youre so
adorable.
I-- honestly, you make me smile
when you see you run.
I really love it.
Stephen: Thank you.
I want ton, how fast are you?
Are you legitimately quick.
Stephen: Im very fast.
Im very fast.
Look at that.
Thats a runners leg right
there, baby.
( Cheers and applause )
I bet youre quick.
Stephen: Yeah, yeah, the
men in my family-- the men in my
family are not known for their
long shanks.
Really.
Stephen: Did you have the
toys weebls when you were a kid?
Theyre wide at the top and you
cant knock them down.
Its not like you have a big
bottom --
Stephen: Oh, I do.
I do.
Ill send you some links.
Cant wait.
Stephen: Heres what I
didnt know-- and forgive me if
I did not know this and I should
have known this-- you have the
voice of an angel.
No, no, no.
Stephen: You have
absolutely-- such an
extraordinary.
You sound so lovely.
Youre very sweet.
So nice.
Stephen: Im in the a nice
person.
Okay, thats true.
Stephen: How long-- did you
study voice for a long time?
No, ive always liked singing
but not in front of people so I
would always do it sort of
privately.
And Rob Marshall asked me to do
into the woods."
Stephen: What am I saying.
Youre lovely as the bakers
wife.
Of course, the bakers wife.
I loved working with him, and he
thank god liked working with me
and asked me to do "Mary
pop-pop" next.
Stephen: How long have you
been out on the road pushing the
poppins?
This is why im slightly
delirious wanting to talk about
your Ron.
Stephen: Sure.
I have been PR promoting "mar
poppins."
Stephen: Dont call a mans
run cute.
Thats what they say about old
men, "hes so cute.
Hes so harmless."
No, I say that about a lot--
its not a threat at all.
Stephen: Can we go back to
me?
What part of the run?
Its the way guside to side when
you do it.
Its so sweet!
Stephen: Thank you, thank
you.
Thank you, youre very nice.
And your hair flops a bit.
Stephen: You made me look
like a muppet just then.
We have a clip here.
Whats going on in this little
clip?
I dont know.
Stephen: Ill show you.
Theres a photo from it.
Hello!
Stephen: Whats happening
in this?
So im about to bathe some
children.
Stephen: Yes.
In it, and im taking them on
a magical bath time.
What Mary poppins does is turns
the mundane into something
fantastical.
Theres a dolphin that appears
in the bathtub so get ready.
Stephen: Jim?
I suspect, and im never
incorrect, that youre far too
old to give in to imagination.
No, not yet.
♪ Some people like to splash and
play
can you imagine that?
♪ And take a seaside holiday
can you imagine that?
♪ Too much glee leaves rings
around the brain
♪ take that joy and send it down
the drain ♪
Stephen: Delightful.
( Cheers and applause )
Delightful.
What a lovely gift.
What a lovely gift to America at
christmastime.
Yeah, its very sweet.
Stephen: Completely
charming.
I know.
Its so sweet.
Its lovely.
Stephen: Your costar Emily
Mortimer was on the show last
week.
Shes the greatest.
Stephen: She is lovely, and
she asked me if I ever had a
crush on Mary poppins.
Did you?
Stephen: No I had a crush
on Maria Von trapp and the other
Julie Andrews.
The pageboy haircut, that was
it.
Do you have a crush on Mary
poppins now?
Stephen: A little bit.
Did you have a crush on a Disney
character?
I had a crush on dick.
Dick Van dyke in the original,
hot.
Stephen: The candy striped
suit.
And multitalented.
Can play any instrument cdraw.
Can sweep a chimney.
Know what I mean?
Stephen: Okay, all right.
Disney.
Stephen: Disney.
Disney are loving it right
now.
Stephen: I bet they are.
And I really liked the fox
from "Robin hood," as well.
He was fascinating.
Ing.
Stephen: You were just
nominated-- congratulationses--
nominated for a golden groab in
"quiet place."
No, "Mary poppins."
Stephen: It was a sag
nomination for "a quiet place."
And "Mary poppins."
Stephen: For this bad scene
right there and this bad scene
right there.
Which one was harder?
Yikes.
I mean, look at that.
See, this is the thing.
I sort of made bathtubs
horrifying in this one.
And this is the sort of salve to
the horror that ive inflicted
about bath time.
Stephen: Im not sure if I
would want to get into a bathtub
knowing that there was a dolph
nin there.
Why!
Stephen: I dont know, its
crowded.
Dolphins are delightful.
Stephen: But the bathtub is
kind of small.
Theyve got teeth.
They dont bite!
Stephen: What?
Dolphins dont bite.
Stephen: Oh, youre in a
dream world.
No.
When have you ever heard of
someone being attacked by a
dolph glin no, not attacked by a
dolphin.
But they do bite.
Thats what teeth are for.
I dont think they would bite
you.
Even your delicious runners
legs.
Stephen: Its not my legs
im worried about.
We got time for this?
We got time for this?
Theres never enough time to
talk to you.
Thank you.
Stephen: Youre a delight.
Lets have dinner.
Stephen: Were going to
stretch the time and weigh in on
a few things I wonder if you
could give us thumbs up or
thumbs down.
Mary popins is very judgmental.
She is.
Stephen: Things must be the
way she says.
And we wondered if you would
weigh in on a few things
yourself and this is our new
segment "blunt Emily blunt."
Thats a new one.
Stephen: A niews newone?
Not at all.
Render your judgment.
Should fake Christmas trees be
allowed?
No!
( Cheers and applause )
95!
Stephen: Someones a fan of
house fires.
Pick a side-- Kate or Meghan?
No, no, no.
Stephen: Pick a side!
No, no, no.
Stephen: No?
Oh, god!
Who?
Audience: Meghan.
I didnt say it.
She said it.
Meghan.
Stephen: Youre not going
to be allowed to go back to
London.
If st okay to re-gift from a
family member?
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Stephen: Okay.
Christmas in New York or
Christmas in London?
Im gog have to say Christmas
in New York because I live here
now, and im sorry, mom!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: "The office" or
Jack Ryan?
"The office" because its a
giggle, isnt it?
Come on.
Stephen: All right.
Who has more magic, Mary poppins
or Santa claus?
Mary poppins!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Youre not getting
anything for Christmas now.
No!
She diversified.
Stephen: Youre on the
naughty list.
Santa does one thing.
Its like she does everything!
Stephen: Again, you just--
again, im just--
Christmas is over.
My parents arent coming.
Im never invited back to
London.
Stephen: You can come here
any time you want.
You can come with us.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Cant wait.
Stephen: I-- I should be
ending, but I dont want to.
Ill just try anyway.
Do it.
Stephen: Lovely to see you
Emily blunt.
So lovely to see you.
Stephen: Of
Stephen: "Mary poppins
returns" opens tomorrow.
Emily blunt, everybody!
Well be right back with Adam
schiff.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to "the late show."
Oh, you lucky, lucky people.
What an exciting night.
Folks, this is going to be
special.
My next guest is the top
democrat on the house
intelligence committee.
When he takes over in a couple
weeks, hell be a very busy
man.
Please welcome the congressman
from beautiful downtown Burbank,
Adam schiff!
( Cheers and applause )
♪ ♪
( Applause )
♪ Adam schiff in the house
( applause )
♪ Adam schiff in the house
Stephen: Nice to see you
again.
Great to see you.
Stephen: I had an
opportunity to interview you a
couple of times over the years.
The last time was last march.
I went down to D.C. to find out
what you and senator Warner knew
about the investigation into
possible Russia collusion.
You couldnt tell me much at the
time.
Can you tell me any more now?
( Laughter )
Well, I can tell you who
individual 1 is.
( Laughter )
(
cheers and applause )
On.
Stephen: Ive got a pretty
good guess.
Ive got a pretty good guess.
You have learned anything new
since then thats, like, big?
Is there something you know that
you cant tell me that would
just blow my brains out?
Yes.
( Laughter )
No, no, I-- no, no.
Stephen: Is there-- is
there something that you wish
you could tell us that would
absolutely just knock us back on
our heels?
Well, theres a lot more we
know today than when we talked
before.
And just when you think about
what weve seen in the last few
weeks, its really quite
shocking.
Lets take Michael Cohen, for
example.
Stephen: Sure.
Michael Cohen disclosed that
at the same time during the
campaign when Donald Trump was
saying, "I have no dealings with
Russia.
Nothing to do with them," that
secretly, they were negotiating
this Trump tower deal, all the
way into the middle of the year.
And if Rudy giulianis cristic
comments been understood, maybe
even up until the election-- and
by the way --
Stephen: I believe that,
because I dont believe Trump
believed he would be elected.
That may well be the case.
He thought I can make money
either way this shakes out.
A candidate for president, the
presumptive g.O.P. Nominee would
be misleading the country and
privately seeking the kremlins
help to make a deal, and what
weve seen subs qentsly is that
not only was he hiding this from
the country, the kremlin was
helping in the cover-up.
You had Dmitri peskov, the
spokesman for the kremlin,
saying publicly when this came
to light, "we never responded to
that outreach."
That wasnt true.
Stephen: Are you saying the
Russians lied to us!
The Russians lied.
I know, I know.
Stephen: We have to get
those Russians out of the white
house?
( Laughter ).
We expect the Russians to
lie.
Stephen: Sure.
We expect a president of the
United States to be telling the
truth.
And therein lies the problem.
( Applause )
For two years, for two years,
weve had this deeply unethical
man running the country.
And for two years, the
republican congress has done
nothing to oversee any of the
allegations of malfeasance, and
that stops now.
Stephen: Lets get into
that for a second.
( Cheers and applause )
Because for the-- the previous
chairman, youre going to take
over as chairman in January.
The previous chairman,
congressman Devin nunes of
California seemed to-- there was
some doors--
( booing ).
Stephen: Theyre going,
"nuuunes."
There were some things he didnt
want you guys to look into.
He would lock the door and
swallow the key.
What are you most looking
forward to unlocking and peering
into?
What are the areas that he
didnt want to you look at that
youre most eager to see?
One of the most basic rules
of doing an investigation is you
follow the money.
We were not allowed to follow
the money.
Now, we have seen the perils of
not doing that and the
revolutions about the Trump
business, efforts to build this
Trump tower in Moscow.
But the question remains what
about these allegations that the
Russians were laundering money
through the Trump organization?
If thats true --
Stephen: What about those?
How was that-- how would they
have done that?
Well, for many years,
legitimate U.S. banks wouldnt
do business with the Trump
organization.
The only banning that would was
deutsche bank.
Deutsche bank was fined for
laundering Russian money.
Real estate is an attractive
venue to launder money.
If the Russians were-- and we
dont than they were-- but if
they were, it would be very
powerful leverage they might
have over the president of the
United States that might explain
his often otherwise-inexplicable
fondness for putin and Russia.
Stephen: Worry Eric and Don
Jr. both said they were awash
with Russian money?
They got all the money they
needed from Russians?
They did.
Stephen: Are they honest or
do they just have rocks in the
head?
I dont think I should answer
that question.
( Laughter )
But its not just Russia.
Un, the president said at
various times during the
campaign he was getting all this
money from Saudi Arabia.
Why wouldnt he love the saudis?
The saudis were spending tens of
millions on his properties.
And now you have the president
of the United States rejecting
the our conclusions of our
agencies about the murder of
khashoggi.
And we ask the question why?
Is foreign funding influencing
U.S. policy in a way thats not
in our national interest.
Stephen: Do you have a
guest guess?
Do you have a guess whether
foreign funding is in our
politics?
Honestly, honestly, I dont
know.
But ting would be negligent for
us not to find out.
Stephen: Flynns sentence
was postponed pending
cooperation, okay.
So hes not going to go to
jail-- at least until march 13,
I think, is when theyre
checking back in with this judge
to see how much more he has
capted?
>>.
Do you want Flynn to cooperate?
Would you like to call him in
and swear him in and ask him a
few things?
We would.
And we certainly plan on
inviting him to the committee.
Stephen: An engraved
invitation.
It will be embossed.
Stephen: And the address s,
collusion casual, please."
Heres the thing about Mike
Flynn.
Michael Flynn was the only
cooperating witness who was on
the campaign.
He was in the transition.
And he was in the
administration.
So hes in a position to tell us
a great deal.
And if you look at the
sentencing memo that Mueller
filed, it says he cooperated
with them on a criminal case,
which we presume is the turkish
matter thats come to light.
That he has cooperated with him
on the transition.
And there the big question is
who else knew that Mike Flynn
was lying?
Did the president know that Mike
Flynn was lying about his
conversations with the Russian
s.
Stephen: Did Mike pence?
Did Mike pence know?
But then theres that third area
that the special counsel
identified where Mike Flynn is
cooperating, and that third area
is completely redacted.
Stephen: Will that be
redacted for Jew no, no.
When he comes before our
committee--
( laughter )
Stephen: Can you send us a
signal, like the first time that
you go up there after youve
read it and youre there, the
chairman, which you get the
gavel can you do a Carol Burnett
ear tag.
If its going down, if its
(Bleep) Can you give us a tug
there?
I have a colleague who asks
the same question, "if it is
blink."
And he stares at me until I
cant help but blink.
Stephen: Trump said his
personal finances would be a red
line in the investigation.
Arent we past the red line.
Now that Alan weissle berg is
cooperating, arent we into
Violet in terms of his personal
finances.
The first matter is he is not
in a position to draw red lines.
Thats not his job.
Stephen: But he can give
pardons?
He can shut stuff down with
pardon.
He can give pardons, but even
the pardon power is not
absolute.
You cannot use the pardon power
if your intention is to obstruct
justice through the use of the
pardon power.
One of the things I would thriek
see us do in the new congress is
pass a bill that says if you
pardon anyone in an
investigation in which you or
your family is a subject,
witness, or target, the entire
investigative files in that case
will be provided to congress.
Congress--
(
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Good luck.
Congress should know --
Stephen: Good luck with
that.
Well, I could talk to you all
night long.
I hope you will come back once
you know secret things and will
divulge them here with us.
I look forward to it.
Stephen: Ive interviewed
you several times before.
Ive never seen you look this
happy.
Congressman Adam schiff,
everybody!
Well be right back with a
performance by St. Paul & the
broken bones.
♪ ♪
(Cheers and applause
)
Stephen: They released their
album "young sick camellia" in
September.
Here performing Louis
armstrongs "zat you Santa
claus," ladies and gentlemen,
St. Paul & the broken bones!
(Cheers and applause
)
♪ ♪
Zat you, Santa claus?
♪ ♪
♪ gifts im preparing
for some Christmas sharing
♪ but I pause because
hanging my stocking
♪ I can hear a knocking
zat you, Santa claus?
♪ Sure is dark out
aint the slightest spark out
♪ pon my slackened jaw!
Whos there?
Who is it stopping for a visit?
Zat you, Santa claus?
♪ Are you bringing a
present for me
♪ something pleasantly
pleasant for me
♪ then its just what ive
been waiting for.
♪ Would you mind slipping
it under the door
♪ cold winds are howling
or could that be growling?
♪ My legs feel like straws
my, my, oh, me, my
whos there?
Who is it stopping for a visit?
Zat you, Santa claus?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
My, my, oh, me, my
♪ kindly would you reply?
Zat you, Santa claus?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ hanging the stocking
I can hear a knocking
♪ zat you, Santa claus?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
But I cant explain why
♪ im shaking that way
bet I can see ole Santa
♪ in the keyhole
ill get to the cause
♪ one peek and ill try there
oh oh, theres an eye there
♪ zat you, Santa claus?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ please, please
I pity my knees
♪ zat you, Santa claus?
(Cheers and applause
)
Stephen: "Zat you Santa
claus" is available on Amazon
now!
St. Paul & the broken bones
everybody!
Well be right back.
Stephen: Hey, thats it for
"the late show."
Tune in tomorrow when my guests
will be Steve carell and kiki
now stick around for James
corden.
Good night!
Captioning sponsored by CBS
captioned by
Brooklyn striking back against
new Yorks ban on nunchucks, the
martial arts weapon made famous,
of course, by Bruce Lee.
Theyve been banned in the state
since 1974.
But now a judge has ruled the
bans unconstitutional.
We now go to the closing
arguments.
Ah-ha!
Banning nunchucks is a violation
of the second amendment.
You fool, what if they fall
into the hands of miscreant
youth?
Your litigation is good, but
mine is better.
We shall see.
Nunchucks are not only a
martial arts weapon but have
recreational and therapeutic
utility.
You have fought a noble
battle.
I concede.
( Laughter )
Nunchucks for everyone!
Now let us argue the benefits of
legalized marijuana.
It is a gateway drug.
Its "the late show with
Stephen Colbert."
Tonight, justice can wait.
Plus, Stephen welcomes
Emily blunt
congressman Adam schiff.
Featuring Jon batiste and stay
human.
And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York
city, its Stephen Colbert!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Wooo!
Hello!
How are you?
Hey!
Thats nice.
Hi, Mark.
Hay, everybody.
Hey, everybody, please.
Have a seat.
Thank you so much.
Youre too kind.
Welcome, one and all, ladies and
gentlemen to "the late show."
Im your host, Stephen Colbert.
I am beginning--
(
cheers and applause )
I am beginning to think Donald
Trump destroys everyone he
touches.
He is like the king midas of
crap.
The latest Trump aide to hit the
fan is former national security
advisor and dad from a twisted
sister video, Michael Flynn.
( Laughter )
Flynn was in federal court today
to be sentenced for lying to the
f.B.I.
And Trump was on the sidelines,
cheering him on:
(As Trump):
"Good luck today in court to
general Michael Flynn.
Will be interesting to see what
he has to say, despite
tremendous pressure being put
upon him about Russian collusion
in our great and, obviously,
highly successful political
campaign.
There was no collusion!"
(
laughter )
That is-- I think--
(
cheers and applause )
Im pretty sure thats just
witness tampering in real time.
(As Trump):
"Good luck to Michael Flynn on
keeping his trap shut.
Your son and I will be watching
your testimony, and then were
going to feed my alligators.
They normally eat rats and rat
children."
( Laughter )
Now, even though Flynn pleaded
guilty to lying to the f.B.I.,
last week, flynns lawyer
submitted a sentencing memo
explaining it wasnt his fault,
because agents hadnt warned
Flynn it was a crime to lie to
the f.B.I.
Of course, good point.
How was he supposed to know?
They got to tell him.
Just like how hospitals all have
to post signs that say "do not
steal cough medicine and then
burn down this building."
( Laughter )
So today-- oh, a little coff
medicine.
The flames talk to you.
So, today, flynns lawyers
seemed ready to argue that their
client "had been tricked into
lying."
Yes, the f.B.I. Has a clever way
to trick anyone who works for
Trump into lying.
They ask them a question.
But if Flynn felt like he was
tricked, why was he pleading
guilty?
Thats what was on the mind of
us district court judge and man
who convicted himself of
aggravated soul patch, Emmett
Sullivan.
Another so judge Sullivan made
sure Flynn knew that what he did
was wrong.
Heres how it went down:
Sullivan asked if he wanted to
challenge the circumstance of
the f.B.I. Interview.
Flynn says no.
Then Sullivan asks Flynn if he
was aware that lying to the
f.b.i. Was illegal.
"I was aware," Flynn says.
Sullivan asks if Flynn is ready
to accept responsibility.
"I am, your honor," Flynn
answers forcefully.
Sullivan asks if Flynn would
rather postpone the proceedings.
Flynn declines the offer.
Adding, "I would like to
proceed."
"Because youre guilty?"
"Yes, your honor."
( Laughter )
Over and over, the judge asks
Flynn, "do you really want to do
this?"
Hes like a tattoo artist at
2:00 A.M. with a drunk customer
who keeps saying, "no, im sure
I want my whole back covered
with a picture of tweety bird
puking on Calvin."
( Laughter )
Then Sullivan scolded Flynn
about his illegal lobbying for
Turkey:
"You were an unregistered agent
of a foreign country while
serving as the national security
adviser to the president!
Arguably, this undermines
everything this flag over here
stands for!
Arguably, you sold your country
out!"
How are flynns lawyers going to
get out of that?
"Your honor, my client had no
idea that undermining everything
the flag stands for was a crime!
The f.B.I. Should have told
him."
The judge went on to ask the
prosecutors if Michael flynns
conduct "rises to the level
of treasonous activity," to
which the prosecutors replied,
they "did not consider charging
Flynn with treason."
Then the judge asked again,
"could he have been charged with
treason?"
(
laughter )
Probably not a great sign when
youre not charged with treason
but the judge really wants to
know why not.
(As judge)
"Are you sure?
Are you sure?
Because the treason space is
still open on my judge bingo
card here."
Sullivan told Flynn, "the more
you assist the government, the
more you arguably help yourself
at the time of sentencing."
He then declared a recess to let
Flynn consider whether he wanted
to proceed and let the judge
impose a punishment, or to delay
and cooperate more with the
special counsel in hopes of
leniency.
Thats a tough call, like
choosing between apples and
decades in prison.
( Laughter )
So Flynn said, "yeah, ill take
that apple, please."
Of course, trumps going to get
a break over the holiday season,
but he might not enjoy it,
because, apparently, the
president doesnt like
Christmas.
One person close to the white
house says its "because its
not about him!
If it were about him, hed love
it.
Christmas is not about him."
( Cheers and applause )
Jon: Its definitely not
about him.
Stephen: How self-obsessed
can you get?
ID say hes scrooge, but Trump
would probably enjoy a
visit from those ghosts.
(As Trump):
"Hey, this guys pointing to a
grave with my name on it.
Pretty sweet!
Were talking about me!"
(
laughter )
When Trump does go to the white
house parties, he has a tough
time of the.
One White House officials said,
"its just a lot.
He just gets impatient.
He likes to go, go, go.
Sitting through things, he gets
restless."
So the president of the united
states doesnt like fancy
cocktail parties for the same
reason a four-year-old doesnt
like fancy cocktail parties.
(As child Trump):
"This is so boring.
When do we get to go?
This tie itches.
Mommy, can I at least have your
phone so I can play Twitter?"
( Laughter )
(
applause )
"Closer?
Mommy?
Mommy?"
closer to home, there is news
about former CBS chairman and
reason we all have to go through
sensitivity training, les
moonves.
Youll recall that moonves left
CBS after allegations of sexual
harassment and assault.
CBS investigated the claims and
determined that les moonves will
not receive his $120 million
severance.
( Cheers and applause )
Wait.
Hold on.
Wait.
I think our network has the
perfect sound effect for this!
(Price is right losing horn)
I wonder whats going to happen
to all that money.
$120 million.
Im pretty sure it goes to me
(
laughter )
Do I get it?
I get half of it.
I get half of it.
The other half goes to Tom
sellecks mustache.
Investigators say moonves should
forfeit the severance in part
because of "his willful failure
to cooperate fully with the
companys investigation."
How on earth did les moonves
think hed get away with that?
Every show he green lit for the
last 20 years was about
investigations.
( Laughter )
On the bright side-- on
♪ on the bright side
(
applause )
On the bright side, CBS has
enough material for a new
procedural: "NCIS: Human
resources."
( Laughter )
(
applause )
Were going to need your key
card.
( Laughter )
But dont worry about
Mr. Moonves.
In the past ten years, his
compensation totaled more than
$1 billion.
$1 billion!
With an illion!
Whats he going to do now?
What job could a famous TV
billionaire with sexual
allegations possibly get--
oh, my god!
Oh!
( Cheers and applause )
Oh!
Hed still be better.
Meanwhile, big news out of new
York state, where yesterday,
governor Andrew cuomo announced
he is moving to legalize
recreational marijuana in new
York within months.
( Cheers and applause )
Yes.
Yes, legalized marijuana is
coming to the big apple, which
will now be cored out and turned
into a bong.
( Laughter )
Thats right, "the city that
never sleeps" is going to become
"the city that nods out with a
meatball sub on its belly while
watching planet earth."
And thanks to short-term memory
loss, it will be easier than
ever for new yorkers to
"fuhggedaboudit."
( Laughter )
"Fuhggedaboudit."
Cuomo says legalization will
stop minorities from being
unfairly targeted by the justice
system and framed the speech as
a reflection on what Franklin
delano Roosevelt, who was once a
New York governor himself, would
do today.
Oh, yes, this is absolutely in
the spirit of f.D.R.
We all remember his famous
inaugural address:
The only thing we have to
fear, is-- wait, you hear
something?
Is that the cops?
Quick, flush the weed!
Im freakin bro!
Weve got a great show for you
tonight.
( Cheers and applause )
The lovely, the talented Emily
blunt is here.
But when we return, "meanwhile!"
Stick around.
( Cheers and applause )
♪ ♪
( Band playing )
(
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Jon batiste and
stay human, everybody!
"Tighten up."
( Cheers and applause )
Jon: Come on, tighten it
up.
Stephen: Jon, you guys
sound amazing tonight.
Jon: Thank you, thank you.
Stephen: You know who else
sounds amazing who I did not
realize has a beautiful voice?
Our guest tonight, Emily blunt.
One of my favorite guests.
An absolute delight.
Jon: Mary poppins.
Stephen: Shes Mary poppins
now.
Jon: Its amazing.
Stephen: Thats an amazing
movie.
Jon: Yeah.
Stephen: People are calling
it a gift, a Christmas gift.
Stephen: Heres another
agreement Christmas gift to the
world, the "cartoon president"
on showtime is now available on
DVD right there.
Jon: There it is.
All of us right there.
Stephen: Heres something,
heres something that I did not
know-- they still make DVDs.
( Laughter )
Get them while they still do.
Its a great bargain.
Great bargain, right?
Whats this cost?
We dont know.
Okay.
Whatever it is, its cheap at
twice the price.
You know, there are so many big
news stories that sometimes the
news bursts its banks and has to
be sluiced into our segment of
news runoff that I call,
"meanwhile."
( Cheers and applause )
♪ tighten up
meanwhile, great news for karate
masters and ninja turtles,
because on Friday, a federal
court ruled "new Yorks
nunchucks ban is
unconstitutional."
Thank god!
Ive been walking around
completely defenseless!
Plus, its been so much more
dangerous with people whipping
around two guns attached by a
chain.
This is great.
Nunchucks are no longer banned.
Also, nunchucks were banned?
Yes, back in 1974, nunchucks
were outlawed in New York "out
of concern over the rising
popularity of kung fu movies."
Back then, everybody was kung fu
fighting.
( Laughter )
Those kicks were fast as
lightning, and ill be honest,
it was a little bit frightening.
( Laughter )
The legal challenge--
( cheers and applause )
The legal challenge to the ban
was brought by a professor "who
filed a complaint after being
charged with possession of
nunchucks."
Why would you complain about
that?
"Possession of nunchucks" is the
coolest thing you can be charged
with.
Its like getting upset about
being charged with "wearing
sunglasses to prom " or " reckless
driving while having a
threesome."
Professor nunchucks argued that
the weapon has "a long and proud
history in martial arts, with
recreational, therapeutic, and
self-defense utility."
I actually went to a nunchuck
therapist once.
He just blamed all my problems
on my dads nunchucks.
( Laughter )
Meanwhile--
( laughter )
A human heart was left on a
southwest flight.
What a terrifying experience.
That heart had to fly southwest.
( Laughter )
It seems, apparently, the heart
was mistakenly kept on the
connecting flight instead of
being taken out of the cargo
hold in Seattle, causing the
Dallas-bound flight to turn
around.
At least you know that human
heart was safe in the cargo
hold, where they keep all
the anxious, hungry dogs.
But dont worry, no one was
harmed, because investigators
found that "the heart had no
intended recipient."
Does it need one?
Why cant a heart just go to
Seattle?
Maybe it wanted to see the space
needle, or go to the original
Starbucks.
Sure, its just like any other
Starbucks, but the heart wants
what it wants.
( Laughter )
Meanwhile--
( cheers and applause )
"Meanwhile," fans.
People love "meanwhile."
America loves "meanwhile."
Meanwhile, bad news for former
Trump advisor and evil warlock
who has come to our dimension
looking for something called the
"frost amulet," Roger stone.
Stone recently settled a lawsuit
in which he was accused of
spreading false information
on "infowars."
Hold the phone!
You can get in trouble for lying
on "infowars?"
Thats like getting kicked off
pornhub message boards for using
foul language.
"You have brought shame to the
milf-chaser community.
I cast thee out,
mamabootyfan42!"
And in addition-- in addition--
(
applause )
Wooo!
A lot of mamabooty fans out here
tonight.
And in addition to this civil
lawsuit, stone is also awaiting
indictment by Robert Mueller,
which raises the question: How
does he pay all his
legal bills?
Duh, obviously by selling
autographed rocks on Instagram.
Roger "stones," get it?
( Laughter )
Because theyre both cold,
unfeeling lumps that youd enjoy
throwing in a river.
( Laughter )
And these arent just any--
these arent just at any old
soiled rocks.
According to the description,
"this is an exact replica of the
stone that David used to take
down goliath."
Yes, its true-- the exact same
rock.
We all know what happened there:
Goliath chose scissors.
Well be right back with Emily
blunt.
( Band playing )
(
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to the show!
Folks, ladies and gentlemen, how
exciting for you.
You know my next guest from "the
devil wears Prada," "sicario,"
and "a quiet place."
She now stars in "Mary poppins
returns."
Please welcome back to "the late
show," Emily blunt!
♪ Mary dont you weep
(
cheers and applause )
♪ Mary dont you weep
(
cheers and applause )
Stephen: No, no, no, no,
no.
Thank you.
Oh, my goodness.
Wow!
How lovely.
Stephen: These are lovely
people here tonight.
What lovely people.
Wow!
Oh!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Always a pleasure.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Stephen: You look very
festive there.
Right?
Stephen: The little sparkly
sweater there.
I like the black watch pants.
You look like captain scutland.
I wondered if it was a little
too much.
Stephen: Not at all.
How have you done bn?
So good.
I have to tell you something.
You have the cutest run ive
ever seen, ever.
Like, you rup out here, and you
look like a spright-- youre so
adorable.
I-- honestly, you make me smile
when you see you run.
I really love it.
Stephen: Thank you.
I want ton, how fast are you?
Are you legitimately quick.
Stephen: Im very fast.
Im very fast.
Look at that.
Thats a runners leg right
there, baby.
( Cheers and applause )
I bet youre quick.
Stephen: Yeah, yeah, the
men in my family-- the men in my
family are not known for their
long shanks.
Really.
Stephen: Did you have the
toys weebls when you were a kid?
Theyre wide at the top and you
cant knock them down.
Its not like you have a big
bottom --
Stephen: Oh, I do.
I do.
Ill send you some links.
Cant wait.
Stephen: Heres what I
didnt know-- and forgive me if
I did not know this and I should
have known this-- you have the
voice of an angel.
No, no, no.
Stephen: You have
absolutely-- such an
extraordinary.
You sound so lovely.
Youre very sweet.
So nice.
Stephen: Im in the a nice
person.
Okay, thats true.
Stephen: How long-- did you
study voice for a long time?
No, ive always liked singing
but not in front of people so I
would always do it sort of
privately.
And Rob Marshall asked me to do
into the woods."
Stephen: What am I saying.
Youre lovely as the bakers
wife.
Of course, the bakers wife.
I loved working with him, and he
thank god liked working with me
and asked me to do "Mary
pop-pop" next.
Stephen: How long have you
been out on the road pushing the
poppins?
This is why im slightly
delirious wanting to talk about
your Ron.
Stephen: Sure.
I have been PR promoting "mar
poppins."
Stephen: Dont call a mans
run cute.
Thats what they say about old
men, "hes so cute.
Hes so harmless."
No, I say that about a lot--
its not a threat at all.
Stephen: Can we go back to
me?
What part of the run?
Its the way guside to side when
you do it.
Its so sweet!
Stephen: Thank you, thank
you.
Thank you, youre very nice.
And your hair flops a bit.
Stephen: You made me look
like a muppet just then.
We have a clip here.
Whats going on in this little
clip?
I dont know.
Stephen: Ill show you.
Theres a photo from it.
Hello!
Stephen: Whats happening
in this?
So im about to bathe some
children.
Stephen: Yes.
In it, and im taking them on
a magical bath time.
What Mary poppins does is turns
the mundane into something
fantastical.
Theres a dolphin that appears
in the bathtub so get ready.
Stephen: Jim?
I suspect, and im never
incorrect, that youre far too
old to give in to imagination.
No, not yet.
♪ Some people like to splash and
play
can you imagine that?
♪ And take a seaside holiday
can you imagine that?
♪ Too much glee leaves rings
around the brain
♪ take that joy and send it down
the drain ♪
Stephen: Delightful.
( Cheers and applause )
Delightful.
What a lovely gift.
What a lovely gift to America at
christmastime.
Yeah, its very sweet.
Stephen: Completely
charming.
I know.
Its so sweet.
Its lovely.
Stephen: Your costar Emily
Mortimer was on the show last
week.
Shes the greatest.
Stephen: She is lovely, and
she asked me if I ever had a
crush on Mary poppins.
Did you?
Stephen: No I had a crush
on Maria Von trapp and the other
Julie Andrews.
The pageboy haircut, that was
it.
Do you have a crush on Mary
poppins now?
Stephen: A little bit.
Did you have a crush on a Disney
character?
I had a crush on dick.
Dick Van dyke in the original,
hot.
Stephen: The candy striped
suit.
And multitalented.
Can play any instrument cdraw.
Can sweep a chimney.
Know what I mean?
Stephen: Okay, all right.
Disney.
Stephen: Disney.
Disney are loving it right
now.
Stephen: I bet they are.
And I really liked the fox
from "Robin hood," as well.
He was fascinating.
Ing.
Stephen: You were just
nominated-- congratulationses--
nominated for a golden groab in
"quiet place."
No, "Mary poppins."
Stephen: It was a sag
nomination for "a quiet place."
And "Mary poppins."
Stephen: For this bad scene
right there and this bad scene
right there.
Which one was harder?
Yikes.
I mean, look at that.
See, this is the thing.
I sort of made bathtubs
horrifying in this one.
And this is the sort of salve to
the horror that ive inflicted
about bath time.
Stephen: Im not sure if I
would want to get into a bathtub
knowing that there was a dolph
nin there.
Why!
Stephen: I dont know, its
crowded.
Dolphins are delightful.
Stephen: But the bathtub is
kind of small.
Theyve got teeth.
They dont bite!
Stephen: What?
Dolphins dont bite.
Stephen: Oh, youre in a
dream world.
No.
When have you ever heard of
someone being attacked by a
dolph glin no, not attacked by a
dolphin.
But they do bite.
Thats what teeth are for.
I dont think they would bite
you.
Even your delicious runners
legs.
Stephen: Its not my legs
im worried about.
We got time for this?
We got time for this?
Theres never enough time to
talk to you.
Thank you.
Stephen: Youre a delight.
Lets have dinner.
Stephen: Were going to
stretch the time and weigh in on
a few things I wonder if you
could give us thumbs up or
thumbs down.
Mary popins is very judgmental.
She is.
Stephen: Things must be the
way she says.
And we wondered if you would
weigh in on a few things
yourself and this is our new
segment "blunt Emily blunt."
Thats a new one.
Stephen: A niews newone?
Not at all.
Render your judgment.
Should fake Christmas trees be
allowed?
No!
( Cheers and applause )
95!
Stephen: Someones a fan of
house fires.
Pick a side-- Kate or Meghan?
No, no, no.
Stephen: Pick a side!
No, no, no.
Stephen: No?
Oh, god!
Who?
Audience: Meghan.
I didnt say it.
She said it.
Meghan.
Stephen: Youre not going
to be allowed to go back to
London.
If st okay to re-gift from a
family member?
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Stephen: Okay.
Christmas in New York or
Christmas in London?
Im gog have to say Christmas
in New York because I live here
now, and im sorry, mom!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: "The office" or
Jack Ryan?
"The office" because its a
giggle, isnt it?
Come on.
Stephen: All right.
Who has more magic, Mary poppins
or Santa claus?
Mary poppins!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Youre not getting
anything for Christmas now.
No!
She diversified.
Stephen: Youre on the
naughty list.
Santa does one thing.
Its like she does everything!
Stephen: Again, you just--
again, im just--
Christmas is over.
My parents arent coming.
Im never invited back to
London.
Stephen: You can come here
any time you want.
You can come with us.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Cant wait.
Stephen: I-- I should be
ending, but I dont want to.
Ill just try anyway.
Do it.
Stephen: Lovely to see you
Emily blunt.
So lovely to see you.
Stephen: Of
Stephen: "Mary poppins
returns" opens tomorrow.
Emily blunt, everybody!
Well be right back with Adam
schiff.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to "the late show."
Oh, you lucky, lucky people.
What an exciting night.
Folks, this is going to be
special.
My next guest is the top
democrat on the house
intelligence committee.
When he takes over in a couple
weeks, hell be a very busy
man.
Please welcome the congressman
from beautiful downtown Burbank,
Adam schiff!
( Cheers and applause )
♪ ♪
( Applause )
♪ Adam schiff in the house
( applause )
♪ Adam schiff in the house
Stephen: Nice to see you
again.
Great to see you.
Stephen: I had an
opportunity to interview you a
couple of times over the years.
The last time was last march.
I went down to D.C. to find out
what you and senator Warner knew
about the investigation into
possible Russia collusion.
You couldnt tell me much at the
time.
Can you tell me any more now?
( Laughter )
Well, I can tell you who
individual 1 is.
( Laughter )
(
cheers and applause )
On.
Stephen: Ive got a pretty
good guess.
Ive got a pretty good guess.
You have learned anything new
since then thats, like, big?
Is there something you know that
you cant tell me that would
just blow my brains out?
Yes.
( Laughter )
No, no, I-- no, no.
Stephen: Is there-- is
there something that you wish
you could tell us that would
absolutely just knock us back on
our heels?
Well, theres a lot more we
know today than when we talked
before.
And just when you think about
what weve seen in the last few
weeks, its really quite
shocking.
Lets take Michael Cohen, for
example.
Stephen: Sure.
Michael Cohen disclosed that
at the same time during the
campaign when Donald Trump was
saying, "I have no dealings with
Russia.
Nothing to do with them," that
secretly, they were negotiating
this Trump tower deal, all the
way into the middle of the year.
And if Rudy giulianis cristic
comments been understood, maybe
even up until the election-- and
by the way --
Stephen: I believe that,
because I dont believe Trump
believed he would be elected.
That may well be the case.
He thought I can make money
either way this shakes out.
A candidate for president, the
presumptive g.O.P. Nominee would
be misleading the country and
privately seeking the kremlins
help to make a deal, and what
weve seen subs qentsly is that
not only was he hiding this from
the country, the kremlin was
helping in the cover-up.
You had Dmitri peskov, the
spokesman for the kremlin,
saying publicly when this came
to light, "we never responded to
that outreach."
That wasnt true.
Stephen: Are you saying the
Russians lied to us!
The Russians lied.
I know, I know.
Stephen: We have to get
those Russians out of the white
house?
( Laughter ).
We expect the Russians to
lie.
Stephen: Sure.
We expect a president of the
United States to be telling the
truth.
And therein lies the problem.
( Applause )
For two years, for two years,
weve had this deeply unethical
man running the country.
And for two years, the
republican congress has done
nothing to oversee any of the
allegations of malfeasance, and
that stops now.
Stephen: Lets get into
that for a second.
( Cheers and applause )
Because for the-- the previous
chairman, youre going to take
over as chairman in January.
The previous chairman,
congressman Devin nunes of
California seemed to-- there was
some doors--
( booing ).
Stephen: Theyre going,
"nuuunes."
There were some things he didnt
want you guys to look into.
He would lock the door and
swallow the key.
What are you most looking
forward to unlocking and peering
into?
What are the areas that he
didnt want to you look at that
youre most eager to see?
One of the most basic rules
of doing an investigation is you
follow the money.
We were not allowed to follow
the money.
Now, we have seen the perils of
not doing that and the
revolutions about the Trump
business, efforts to build this
Trump tower in Moscow.
But the question remains what
about these allegations that the
Russians were laundering money
through the Trump organization?
If thats true --
Stephen: What about those?
How was that-- how would they
have done that?
Well, for many years,
legitimate U.S. banks wouldnt
do business with the Trump
organization.
The only banning that would was
deutsche bank.
Deutsche bank was fined for
laundering Russian money.
Real estate is an attractive
venue to launder money.
If the Russians were-- and we
dont than they were-- but if
they were, it would be very
powerful leverage they might
have over the president of the
United States that might explain
his often otherwise-inexplicable
fondness for putin and Russia.
Stephen: Worry Eric and Don
Jr. both said they were awash
with Russian money?
They got all the money they
needed from Russians?
They did.
Stephen: Are they honest or
do they just have rocks in the
head?
I dont think I should answer
that question.
( Laughter )
But its not just Russia.
Un, the president said at
various times during the
campaign he was getting all this
money from Saudi Arabia.
Why wouldnt he love the saudis?
The saudis were spending tens of
millions on his properties.
And now you have the president
of the United States rejecting
the our conclusions of our
agencies about the murder of
khashoggi.
And we ask the question why?
Is foreign funding influencing
U.S. policy in a way thats not
in our national interest.
Stephen: Do you have a
guest guess?
Do you have a guess whether
foreign funding is in our
politics?
Honestly, honestly, I dont
know.
But ting would be negligent for
us not to find out.
Stephen: Flynns sentence
was postponed pending
cooperation, okay.
So hes not going to go to
jail-- at least until march 13,
I think, is when theyre
checking back in with this judge
to see how much more he has
capted?
>>.
Do you want Flynn to cooperate?
Would you like to call him in
and swear him in and ask him a
few things?
We would.
And we certainly plan on
inviting him to the committee.
Stephen: An engraved
invitation.
It will be embossed.
Stephen: And the address s,
collusion casual, please."
Heres the thing about Mike
Flynn.
Michael Flynn was the only
cooperating witness who was on
the campaign.
He was in the transition.
And he was in the
administration.
So hes in a position to tell us
a great deal.
And if you look at the
sentencing memo that Mueller
filed, it says he cooperated
with them on a criminal case,
which we presume is the turkish
matter thats come to light.
That he has cooperated with him
on the transition.
And there the big question is
who else knew that Mike Flynn
was lying?
Did the president know that Mike
Flynn was lying about his
conversations with the Russian
s.
Stephen: Did Mike pence?
Did Mike pence know?
But then theres that third area
that the special counsel
identified where Mike Flynn is
cooperating, and that third area
is completely redacted.
Stephen: Will that be
redacted for Jew no, no.
When he comes before our
committee--
( laughter )
Stephen: Can you send us a
signal, like the first time that
you go up there after youve
read it and youre there, the
chairman, which you get the
gavel can you do a Carol Burnett
ear tag.
If its going down, if its
(Bleep) Can you give us a tug
there?
I have a colleague who asks
the same question, "if it is
blink."
And he stares at me until I
cant help but blink.
Stephen: Trump said his
personal finances would be a red
line in the investigation.
Arent we past the red line.
Now that Alan weissle berg is
cooperating, arent we into
Violet in terms of his personal
finances.
The first matter is he is not
in a position to draw red lines.
Thats not his job.
Stephen: But he can give
pardons?
He can shut stuff down with
pardon.
He can give pardons, but even
the pardon power is not
absolute.
You cannot use the pardon power
if your intention is to obstruct
justice through the use of the
pardon power.
One of the things I would thriek
see us do in the new congress is
pass a bill that says if you
pardon anyone in an
investigation in which you or
your family is a subject,
witness, or target, the entire
investigative files in that case
will be provided to congress.
Congress--
(
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Good luck.
Congress should know --
Stephen: Good luck with
that.
Well, I could talk to you all
night long.
I hope you will come back once
you know secret things and will
divulge them here with us.
I look forward to it.
Stephen: Ive interviewed
you several times before.
Ive never seen you look this
happy.
Congressman Adam schiff,
everybody!
Well be right back with a
performance by St. Paul & the
broken bones.
♪ ♪
(Cheers and applause
)
Stephen: They released their
album "young sick camellia" in
September.
Here performing Louis
armstrongs "zat you Santa
claus," ladies and gentlemen,
St. Paul & the broken bones!
(Cheers and applause
)
♪ ♪
Zat you, Santa claus?
♪ ♪
♪ gifts im preparing
for some Christmas sharing
♪ but I pause because
hanging my stocking
♪ I can hear a knocking
zat you, Santa claus?
♪ Sure is dark out
aint the slightest spark out
♪ pon my slackened jaw!
Whos there?
Who is it stopping for a visit?
Zat you, Santa claus?
♪ Are you bringing a
present for me
♪ something pleasantly
pleasant for me
♪ then its just what ive
been waiting for.
♪ Would you mind slipping
it under the door
♪ cold winds are howling
or could that be growling?
♪ My legs feel like straws
my, my, oh, me, my
whos there?
Who is it stopping for a visit?
Zat you, Santa claus?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
My, my, oh, me, my
♪ kindly would you reply?
Zat you, Santa claus?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ hanging the stocking
I can hear a knocking
♪ zat you, Santa claus?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
But I cant explain why
♪ im shaking that way
bet I can see ole Santa
♪ in the keyhole
ill get to the cause
♪ one peek and ill try there
oh oh, theres an eye there
♪ zat you, Santa claus?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ please, please
I pity my knees
♪ zat you, Santa claus?
(Cheers and applause
)
Stephen: "Zat you Santa
claus" is available on Amazon
now!
St. Paul & the broken bones
everybody!
Well be right back.
Stephen: Hey, thats it for
"the late show."
Tune in tomorrow when my guests
will be Steve carell and kiki
now stick around for James
corden.
Good night!
Captioning sponsored by CBS
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