The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Kevin Spacey/Carol Burnett/Abbi Jacobson & Ilana Glazer/Willie Nelson - full transcript
Actor Kevin Spacey; TV legend Carol Burnett with comics Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer; Willie Nelson is interviewed and performs.
A brothel owner wins his
state assembly election in a
landslide, even though hes
dead.
Republican Dennis hof getting a
whopping 68% of the vote in his
Nevada race.
We now go to his opponent
lesia Romanovs concession
speech.
Good evening!
I am so proud of all of you.
Oh, I love you, too!
Thank you, thank you!
We fought a good, tough
campaign.
And I want to congratulate my
opponent.
He ran a surprisingly strong
race, considering hes a dead
pimp.
As you know, I ran on a simple
platform: "Im alive, and I
dont prostitute women," as I
assumed that would put us over
the top.
Of course, the night couldve
been worse.
Although I lost to a dead pimp,
at least I didnt lose to Steve
king!
( Cheers and applause )
Thank you!
Tonight, sessions adjourned.
Plus Stephen welcomes Chris
pine, and major Garrett,
featuring Jon batiste and stay
human.
And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York
city, its Stephen Colbert!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Please have a
( cheers and applause )
Stephen: Please have a
seat, everybody.
Welcome, one and all, to "the
late show."
Im your host, Stephen Colbert.
Last night was a monumental
election that fundamentally
shifts the balance of power in
Washington, D.C. for years to
come, and and it is not the top
story, because this morning,
Trump fired his attorney
general, Jeff sessions, seen
here on his happiest day at the
job.
( Cheers and applause )
"My god, what have I become?"
( Laughter )
And after Trump had done it, but
before we knew he done did it,
one our guest tonight, major
garret, from CBS, asked Donald
Trump this:
Can you give us clarity, sir,
on your thinking currently, now,
after the midterms, about your
Attorney General and your deputy
Attorney General?
Do they have long-term security?
ID rather answer that at...
A little bit different time.
Stephen (as Trump):
" A little bit later, because
right now, im having a hard
time hearing any of these
questions over the loud beating
heart of Jeff sessions hidden
under my floorboards okay.
A little trouble stuffing the
little guy down there.
Get, get down!
Get!
I can... youve got to be able to
hear it."
Jon: Low key.
Stephen: Now, there is some
confusion among stupid people as
to whether sessions was fired or
he resigned.
He did submit a letter of
resignation, but it began, "at
your request, I am submitting my
resignation."
( Laughter ) Look at that.
Southern hospitality until the
end.
( As sessions):
"Sir, at your gracious request,
I am going to sit on it and
spin."
( Laughter )
This is, of course, none of this
is exactly a huge shock.
For over a year now, Trump has
blamed sessions for recusing
himself from overseeing the
Russia investigation, which led
to the appointment of special
counsel Robert Mueller.
You cant blame sessions for
recusing himself.
Its the only thing thats good
that hes ever done.
Thats like hating Lou bega for
"mambo no. 5."
The entirety of the song I know.
And Trump has made no secret of
his feelings about sessions.
Hes called Jeff sessions a
"traitor," "a dumb southerner,"
"Mr. Magoo," and, most
humiliating of all, "member of
my administration."
( Laughter ) No word...
( Cheers and applause )
No word what Jeff sessions is
going to do next.
I assume hes going to spend
more time with his family-
separation policy.
( Laughter )
But it is time for us to say
farewell.
So, please welcome, for the last
time, the outgoing attorney
general of the United States,
Mr. Jeff sessions.
Thank you, thank you, Stephen.
Thank you.
( Cheers and applause )
Thank you, thank you.
I thank you.
Thank you, Stephen, for this
opportunity to be welcomed
anywhere.
It is with a heavy heart and a
cream filling that I bid you all
a fond adieu and one final "I do
not recall."
I humbly request my severance
pay in sweet tea and confederate
dollars.
And while my service was cut
short in an untimely manner,
well, thats just the way my
cookie crumbles.
Please feed me to seagulls on
the banks of mobile bay!
Goodbye forever.
Do it, Stephen!
Do it!"
Do it!"
( Cheers and applause ) (
cheers and applause )
( Cheers and applause ) (
cheers and applause )
Of course, whoever replaces Jeff
sessions has big tiny shoes to
fill, because that person will
now oversee, instantly, as soon
as theyre appointed, oversee
the Mueller investigation.
Now, we havent heard much from
Mueller lately because he rigged
for silent running before the
midterms.
But theyre over, and
reportedly, Don junior has told
friends recently that he
believes he could be indicted.
( Applause ) Yeah, yeah.
Thats true.
If thats true...
Jon: Hes coming for him.
Stephen: Its only a matter
of time until Donald Trump
distances himself from his son.
(As Trump)
"Who you talking about?
Danel glump?
Ive never heard that name in my
life.
But I think he got coffee for
us."
But who would be willing to go
down in history as the man who
fired Robert Mueller?
Enter new acting attorney
general and Caucasian M&M, Matt
Whitaker.
Now, there is no way to know
whitakers stance on the Mueller
investigation... unless you read
his op-ed... "Muellers
investigation of Trump is going
too far"... in which Whitaker
wrote that if Mueller looked
into trumps finances, it could
be damaging to the president of
the United States, and by
extension, to the country.
And by "the country," of course,
he means Russia.
( Laughter )
And last year... one assumes.
One assumes.
( Applause ) ♪ ♪
I some residual Attorney General
on my hand.
( Laughter )
And last year on CNN, this new
acting Attorney General Whitaker
explained how the president
could best obstruct the Mueller
probe.
And, really, I think what,
ultimately, the president is
going to start doing is putting
pressure on rod Rosenstein... who
is in charge of this
investigation, is acting
Attorney General... and really
try to get rod to maybe even cut
the budget of Bob Mueller.
Stephen: Good point.
Trump could take all the money
away from Bob Mueller.
And, just out of habit, give it
to a porn star.
( Laughter )
So... allegedly.
So Trump just hand-picked a guy
who wants to stop the
investigation into Donald Trump
investigation of Donald Trump.
Thats like a defendant at a
murder trial saying, "your
honor, youre fired.
Im going to have my friend
Terry take your seat.
Now, then, Terry, if it please
the court, did you throw that
knife into the river like I
asked?
The correct answer is no."
And if all thats not unsettling
enough... and it is... last year,
Whitaker also
retweeted an article titled,
"note to trumps lawyer: Do not
cooperate with the Mueller lynch
mob."
Thats going to be an awkward
first day on the job.
"Hey, Bob, im your new boss,
let me know if you need any help
with the witch hunting and mob
lynching.
By the way, ill take that stack
of indictments.
Theyre not in the budget
anymore."
Meanwhile, I dont know... I
dont know about you, but I am
still recovering from the
election
of 2016.
But there was also...
(
applause )
But there was also an election
last night.
Democrats took control of the
house of representatives.
( Cheers and applause )
But... 27, 37?
Something.
Mild wave.
But in his press conference
"usa today," Trump said this was
great for the Republicans and so
did Trump.
We saw the candidates that I
supported achieve tremendous
success last night.
Mia love gave me no love, and
she lost.
Barbara comstock was another
one.
I mean, I think she could have
won that race, but she didnt
want to have any embrace.
Peter roskam didnt want the
embrace.
Eric paulsen didnt want the
embrace.
Those are some of the people
that, you know, decided for
their own reason not to embrace.
Stephen: Im... I gotta say,
im really surprised that
stopped him because he is not
known for asking permission
before he embraces.
( Applause )
I mean, just look what he did to
that poor flag.
I mean...
( Laughter )
Now, likely new speaker pelosi
has promised to work with the
president, and he thinks thats
a great idea.
But theres one thing that could
make that impossible.
If they start investigating
you, can you compartmentalize
that and still continue to work
with them for the benefit of the
rest of the country, or are all
bets off?
No, if they do that, then
its just... all of it is... is a
war-like posture.
Stephen: And, of course, we
know trumps war-like posture:
(As Trump)
"Look, Nancy... ow, bone spurs!
Bone spurs!
Bone spurs.
I got... ow, ow, ow!
Oh!
I have to... im sorry, I left...
I have... im having a Vietnam
flashback.
I gotta stay home and have sex
with models."
Then I have Jeff sessions on my
shoe now.
( Laughter )
Thats... thats... this is what...
This is what the republican
party is doing with Jeff
sessions right now.
Theyre just... just scraping
him off.
Just... there you go.
There you go.
Thanks for stopping by.
Then the questions got a little
more specific.
Point blank, democrats go
after your tax returns.
Will you try to block that, or
will you allow them to have
them?
Look, as ive told you, they
are under audit and have been
for a long time.
They are extremely complex.
People wouldnt understand them.
People dont understand tax
returns.
Its a very complex instrument,
and I think that people wouldnt
understand it.
(As Trump)
"Or at least, I hope they
wouldnt.
Otherwise, I am so screwed."
Heres the thing... they are,
they are.
And trumps tax returns are
complicated.
Weve obtained one page, and you
can see the complexity.
( Laughter )
Trump... I cant fig that you are
out.
I cant figure that out.
What could that mean?
Trump seemed a bit subdued,
throughout this mornings press
conference, until he saw one of
his favorite chew toys, cnns
Jim acosta.
Do you think that you
demonized immigrants?
I want them to come into the
country, but they have to come
in legally.
Theyre hundreds of miles
away, though.
Theyre hundreds and hundreds of
miles away.
Thats not an invasion.
Honestly, I think you should
let me run the country, and you
run CNN, and if you did it well,
your ratings would be better.
If I may ask one other
question...
Thats enough!
Mr. Question, if I may ask
one other question...
Thats enough.
Mr. President, I was going to
ask... pardon me, maam.
Thats enough!
Stephen: What?
What a dick.
Did you see that woman try to
grab Jim acostas mic?
She tried to snatch it right out
of his hand.
She looked like the wedding
deejay who just realized the
best man is loaded.
"Okay, Tony.
Okay, Tony, thats enough.
We all think Saras beautiful in
that dress, but please stop
using the word delicious."
Trump got more hostile when
asked about his campaign
rhetoric.
Thrsh some people that say
now the republican party is seen
as supporting white nationalists
because of your rhetoric.
I dont believe that.
What do you make of that?
I dont know.
Why do I have my highest poll
numbers ever with African
Americans.
Why do I have among the highest
poll numbers with African
Americans?
Thats such a racist question.
Let me tell you... thats a
racist question.
Stephen: "And I hate racist
questions.
I love racist limericks.
There once of a brown guy from
Guam... and it gets a little sexy
- from... (
- Laughter )
Lets just say... lets just say
it involves his mom.
( Laughter )
And just a little later, another
reporter helpfully gave Trump
his actual poll numbers among
African Americans.
One point of fact, because
you told her you have the
highest approval among
African-Americans...
Quiet, quiet.
Its just 8%, sir, single
digits.
( Cheers and applause )
Jon: 8, 8%.
Stephen: Actually,
technically, its gone down do
7% since kanye got out of
politics.
Other reporters also asked Trump
about the accusations of racism.
Michael Cohen recently said
you called black voters
"stupid."
Thats false.
Omarosa has accused you of
using the "n" word.
Thats false.
And the rapper lil Jon said
you called him "uncle Tom."
Whats your response...
I dont know who lil Jon is.
He was on "the apprentice."
I dont know.
Oh, he was?
Okay.
Oh, I see.
Stephen: Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Donald Trump and I have
something in common: Neither of
us watched "the apprentice."
He doesnt know lil Jon, so this
picture must have been awkward.
Lil Jon is on the right.
And ive been told we have a
statement from
lil Jon about Trump claiming he
doesnt know who he is.
What?!
Stephen: Thank you, lil.
Excellent reporting.
Weve got a great show for you
tonight.
Chris pine is here.
Were riding the pine.
But when we return, good news
from the election.
Stick around!
Thats right!
♪ A little bit of Erica by my
side
a little bit of Rita is all I
need ♪
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Welcome back!
Jon batiste and stay human,
everybody, right there!
( Cheers and applause )
Beautiful, beautiful.
Can I see that?
Hey, real quick here.
Folks, just so you know, just a
quick reminders, we are selling
"whose boat is this boat?,"
written by Donald j. Trump
accidentally.
These things are selling like
hot cakes.
Right now, Simon and schuster is
printing thee as fast as they
can.
Amazon is sending them out as
fast as they can.
Audio book is now available for
"whose boat is this boat?."
Audio book, audible, Google
play, anywhere audio books are
audiod.
I dont know.
Its, like, seven minutes long,
the audio book, something like
that.
Which I dont know how.
Its like a 14-page book.
I dont know how... how slowly
was I reading that book?
Its good, anyway.
Welcome back, welcome back to
more of tonights monologue.
( Cheers and applause )
Again, the election was last
night... quick reminder for those
of you who are nay coma.
Some of the results were
especially gratifying to me.
First of all, ID like to send
out a hearty
"dont let the door hit ya" to
soon-to-be-former Wisconsin
governor Scott Walker, who lost
last night to democrat Tony
evers.
It is the most celebrated defeat
of a white Walker since "game of
thrones."
The loss was hard on Scott
Walker.
Hopefully, he consoled himself
with his brother, Johnny.
As with all defeated politicians
in Wisconsin, Walker will be
battered, fried, and covered in
melted cheese.
( Laughter )
And it was a banner election for
diversity.
First of all, at least 110 women
won last night.
( Cheers and applause )
Women, women, women.
I love women!
Meaning a record number of women
will now serve in congress.
( Cheers and applause )
Meaning... okay, okay.
Meanwhile, red wave, blue wave...
This was a woman wave.
Which means Mike pence can no
longer go in the water without
mothers permission.
Then theres rashida tlaib of
Michigan and ilhan Omar of
Minnesota, who became the first
Muslim women in congress.
( Cheers and applause )
Thats right!
Thats right!
Two... two Muslim women!
Or as the g.O.P. Calls them, "a
caravan!"
♪ ♪
and in new Mexico and Kansas,
Deb haaland and sharice Davids
became the first native American
women elected to congress.
( Cheers and applause )
And Davids is also the first
openly l.G.B.T. Representative
in Kansas and the first openly
l.g.b.t. Woman of color in
congress.
( Cheers and applause )
She... she...
Jon: Wooo!
Stephen: Is a liberal
dream!
I hear she also doesnt own a
TV, sleeps inside an npr tote
bag, and is made of oat milk.
( Laughter )
Though I hear coconut milk is
also very good.
( Applause ) Meanwhile...
♪ ♪
perhaps the most satisfying race
for me occurred in south
carolinas first district, which
include my hometown of
Charleston, south Carolina,
where democrat Joe Cunningham
defeated huge Trump supporter
Katie arrington.
( Applause )
Now, as a democrat... as a
democrat from south Carolina,
Cunningham joins the ranks of
rare mythical creatures, like
big foot, unicorns, and people
who do crossfit without telling
anyone about it.
In Michigan they voted to
legalize recreational marijuana.
( Applause )
To celebrate, Michigan turned
their mitten into a bong.
The new state slogan: Hittin
the mitten.
Well be right back with Chris
pine.
( Band playing ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to "the late show."
You know what?
You guys...
(
cheers and applause )
You guys are in for such a treat
because my first guest is lovely
fella.
He is a fantastic actor.
He is absolutely easy on the
eyes.
He has starred in "wonder
woman," "Star Trek," and "hell
or high water."
He now stars in the film,
"outlaw king."
I could talk about honor, but
are you here.
You know enough about honor.
I know you all as men.
But today, "today we are beasts.
We fight for god, for honor, for
country, for family, for
yourselves!
I do not care!
So long as you fight!
Stephen: Why cant we be
civil?
Please welcome, Chris pine!
♪ ♪ (
applause )
♪ ♪ (
applause )
I thought we might do a
little bowing ritual there.
Good to see you again nice to
have you back.
Last time you were here was for
the movie...
"Finest hours."
Stephen: "Finest hours."
Coast guard or Boston?
Coast guard, right on!
Cool!
Stephen: Now, in that, you
had... you had a Boston accent.
Which is... its a... its a...
Its a doozy.
Stephen: Its a minefield.
So dangerous to try to do a
Boston accent.
Its taken down some very good
men.
I think it might have taken
down me.
Stephen: I dont know,
these people cheered.
Youre also doing a Scottish
accent.
Its frightened a lot of people
trying to do that.
Yeah, yeah.
Stephen: Which is harder
for you, Boston or Scottish?
Theyre both angry people?
( Laughter ).
Theyre both... theyre both...
You know, its one of those
things that theyre not only
accents.
Its a culture around the
accent.
Its like the religion of the
accents of these particular
places.
So you want to do justice to the
people and to the culture.
And...
Stephen: Did you have to do
it in front of Scottish people?
What do you think I was doing
whole time?
Stephen: I dont know,
youre actors?
They dubbed me, yeah... no.
I did, and I could... heres want
thing... when youre surrounded
by a bunch of gruff men with...
With sharpened steel, you try to
do your best at all times.
( Laughter )
And then look down and run away
with shame when you feel like
you failed them.
But everybody is, like, you
know, they feel like they have
the ph.D. Of the Scottish
accent or the Boston accent.
You know I have... I have the
north Hollywood brogue.
So I dont come from a
particular...
Stephen: You sound
American.
Im about as... im about as
white as they come.
Im about as cookie cutter wasp
...
Stephen: 23andme I might
win.
Have you done that.
Stephen: Sure, sure what
did they say?
All I remember is it talked
something about asparagus.
Stephen: Did they make you
pee in a cup?
They have all the details in
the... in the results that you
get.
One of mine was my peeing
response to asparagus.
Stephen: Your... your peeing
response...
You know some people pee it
smells like asparagus.
Some people pee, it doesnt.
Im not going to tell you what
mine is, by the way.
Stephen: Wow, place your
bets now, ladies and gentlemen.
They didnt give me that
information.
What did they give you.
Stephen: I did it with
Henry Louis gates at Harvard
university with faces of
America, and the whole result he
said to me was, "youre white,
baby."
Youre the whitest man ive ever
met.
Surprise, surprise.
Stephen: Is what he said to
me.
What was your hook?
What would do you to practice
your Scottish accent?
Well, so, I had a wonderful
dialect coach, a woman who has
been working in the business a
long time and has given great
help to many people.
So I worked with her for about
two months before I went out to
Scotland.
And every morning in the makeup
trailer, when I was putting on
my... my muddied mullet and
pieces of beard, I would do
Shakespeare with her and do some
poetry and...
Stephen: Did you do any of
the Scottish plays?
Scottish play?
We did... we did some of the
Scottish play.
We did... what did we do?
"Henry "v"."
"Hamlet."
Stephen: Can you do it in
Scottish?
No, dont put me on the spot
like, that man.
Stephen: Its my job!
Its my job!
( Cheers and applause )
Tomorrow and tomorrow and
tomorrow creeps on this pity
piece from day to day until the
last syllable of recorded time
(
cheers and applause )
Stephen:
Stephen: Now you play
Robert the Bruce.
Indeed.
Stephen: Who was Robert the
Bruce?
Robert the Bruce was... he was
born in the 13th century,
late 13th century.
Whee was cocurrent with Wallace
who you know from "braveheart."
Stephen: So he is in that?
A bit of historical trivia.
"Braveheart" which was
attributed cinematically to the
film which will not be mentioned
"braveheart," is actually the
name given to Robert the Bruce.
Stephen: What?
Upon Robert the Bruces
death, he asked his best friend,
James Douglas, to take his heart
to the holy land.
So James Douglas took his heart,
but it in an iron cask around
his neck, was on his way to the
holy land, ended up in Seville,
in Spain, and the catholic Duke
of that area said, "hey, were
fighting the Moores.
You want to step in and give us
a day?"
Stepped in, and was immediately
killed, very quickly killed.
Both he and the heart and
everything were sent back to...
Back to Scotland, and Bruces
remains were ultimately divided
into three different parts and
buried at different places in
Scotland.
Stephen: Why... why did they
chop him up?
You know im not... im not...
Im not sure.
Robert the Bruce is a very...
Heres the thing... he he was
anointed king at 32.
He fought the english for 20
years up until two years before
his death.
The english army at that time,
the fight... the big battle that
we depict.
He had 500 ill trained men
go up against essentially what
is the American nuclear army.
Its like 5,000... 3,000 mounted
soldiers, 1,000 archers, 1,000
soldiers on the ground, and he
defeated them in a day.
Which I dont know what the...
You know, the similarity would
be now.
But it was quite a feat of... it
was quite... it was quite a
thing.
Stephen: Wow.
I would say how?
But then I wouldnt have to see
the movie so im not going to
ask that question.
Good point.
Stephen: You have to buy a
ticket to find out how they do
that.
You do, indeed.
Stephen: I bet theyre
sneaky.
Very sneaky.
Stephen: Do you guys paint
yourselves blue or something
like that?
Theres nothing like that.
Stephen: Anybody fight
naiked?
No.
Stephen: Youre naked in
this movie.
Im naked.
Stephen: I heard that
youre naked, fully naked.
Throughout the whole film!
Stephen: No, no, just the
one scene!
The whole film.
Stephen: I hear its not
very long... the scene, the scene
is not...
(
laughter )
Ready, set, beard!
Stephen: You would beat me.
Thanks for being here again.
All right, man.
Stephen: Nice to see you.
Good luck with the beards.
"Outlaw king" is available on
Netflix Friday.
Chris pine, everybody!
Well be right back with major
Garrett.
( Applause ).
Stephen: Hey, everybody!
Welcome back to "9 late show."
Folks, my next guest is CBS
chief White House correspondent
whose new book is "trumps wild
ride."
Please welcome major Garrett.
♪ ♪ (
applause )
♪ ♪
Stephen: Now, you... how
auspicious for us that we have
you here tonight.
Thats a big word.
Stephen: "Auspicious?"
Yeah.
Stephen: It is.
You, this morning... what order
of question... which question...
Second.
Stephen: Second question to
the president of these united
states.
You asked... what was it?
Long-term job security of the
Attorney General.
Kind of on the nose, as we say
in the biz.
Stephen: What is the
long-term job security.
Kind of on the nose.
Stephen: And he said, "ID
rather not talk about it right
now.
Youre going to ruin the
surprise."
But he had already done it.
Yup.
Stephen: At that point...
The chief of staff, John
Kelly, had already called the
Attorney General.
Stephen: So Kelly did it,
not Trump.
Correct.
Stephen: Oh, what a hero...
Surprise!
Stephen: Exactly.
What courage, what courage.
Did you know?
I did not know-know absolutely.
Stephen: What does this
mean?
But I have a very strong
sense that it was an important
foundational question to put on
the table and see if the
president would drive closer to
what I thought was going to come
in a day or two.
Stephen: Did you have a
source telling you it was going
to happen.
Several.
Stephen: Im not going to
ask what they were.
Several.
Stephen: One of your
sources was of the president of
the United States, im sure.
( Laughter )
Hes usually "the source."
Off and on, off and on.
And you mentioned the book,
thank you for doing that...
Stephen: Well mention it
more in just a moment.
Please, do.
Stephen: Its "trumps wild
ride."
Why did you... its "Mr. Toweds
wild ride."
Right, if youve been to
Disneyland.
Stephen: And stormy Daniels
compared his penis to the
character towed from Mario cart.
No, thats news!
Thats news!
Im not making that up.
But it was not an inspiration
for the title of the book.
Stephen: I hear it doesnt.
But during the campaign, one
thing I noticed is everyone in
his inner circle would only
refer to him one way:
Mr. Trump.
Never Donald, never the Donald.
Never d.J.T.
Never "the boss."
One way and one way over,
Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump.
As if they were hypnotized.
And they actually tried to get
reporters who covered the
campaign also to reflexively,
relentlessly refer to him in one
way, one way only Mr. Trump.
Stephen: Did they say that
to you, "call him Mr. Trump?"
Yes, they would advise us to
do that.
Someplace us did.
Some of us did not.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Uh-huh... so do
you think that Mueller should be
worried right now?
Because Trump has put in this
guy, who is on the record as
saying that muellers gone too
far, and Mueller can be slowed
down or defunded.
This guys come in as... is a hit
man, right?
You said "worry."
Do you mean more worried?
Stephen: Well, I mean, why
do you think Trump did it so
fast?
Because hes going to drop
something really quickly.
Reasonable people were saying we
might learn something this week.
He knows Mueller has been
preparing a report and also
doing a lot of work at the grand
jury, interviewing more witness
s.
Stephen: Further
indictments.
Possibly.
Look, one thing I bright in the
book, there were many times in
the last year and a half where a
source would call and say, "this
indictment, this massive
indictment is about ready to
come down."
I would run down that rabbit
hole and the indictment would
never show up.
Im cautious about whats coming
and I wait until it actually
happens and then we ropt it.
Which is kind of a basic in our
industry.
( Laughter )
So I dont know whats coming.
I dont know what Trump fears.
But this guy Whitaker does have
a definite attitude about the
Mueller investigation that is
aligned with the presidents and
aligned with very few other
people who are looking at this
from an outside, objective point
of view... that Mueller should
stay, Mueller should be allowed
to do what he is doing, and the
president should back off.
To the presidents credit he
said today, "I can fire
everyone, but I wont."
Stephen: That was very big
of him.
Technically he could fire
everyone if he wanted to push
all of this to the maximum edge
of what people refer to as a
constitutional crisis.
But I like to tell people all
the time, no, no.
We have a constitution to solve
crises.
Thats what the constitution
does.
It would be a crise, but it
wouldnt be a constitutional
crisis.
It would be a presidential
crisis.
( Applause )
Stephen: I never heard that
before.
Like that.
We have to take a little bit of
a break, but dont go away
because I want to ask you what
it was like to be in that room
today at the press conference.
Stick around for that.
All right.
♪ ♪ (
band playing )
( Cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
( Cheers and applause )
Hey, everybody, were back here
with major Garrett.
Now in the press conference,
he... he mocked many members of
the g.O.P. Who lost.
Yeah.
Stephen: Youve been to a
lot of these press conferences
after elections.
Is that common for the president
to mock members of his own
party?
( Laughter ).
So this whole line of
questioning about common
experiences.
Stephen: Yes.
Presidential press
conferences and the Trump
administration, I really do have
to put that in a completely
different category.
So, no, its not common.
Its entirely uncommon and
unusual.
But if you know how much this
particular president despises
losers, it is completely
consistent with his personality,
and his approach to not only
talking about himself but
talking about people who do not
align themselves with him.
Theyre, obviously, wrong,
because they lost.
That proves my point.
That proves I am the central
figure in American politics, so
he would say.
And when youre the central
figure in American politics you
can call somebody a loser and
not suffer any consequence s.
Stephen: He is the central
figure in American pol techs and
theres no escaping that.
32 no getting off "trumps wild
ride," until its over.
We talked about sessions a
second ago.
In the book I recount on may 27,
2017, the day Robert Mueller was
named special counsel, Jeff
sessions, the Attorney General,
resigned, at the White House, to
the president.
And I recount in kind of
interesting detail, I would
suggest, how reince priebus, the
then-chief of staff had to chase
through the White House, out to
the west executive Avenue, to
climb into the s.U.V. Holding
the Attorney General, and plead
with him to come back in the
White House, unresign, and put
the cork back in that bottle for
some period of time.
Because he didnt want to have a
dual crise of a special counsel
and a resigned Attorney General
all in the same afternoon.
Stephen: Well, that brings
me to another interesting data
point about this is that the
letter, as released today, where
sessions resigns, isnt dated.
Is there any chance that this is
just the old letter that Trump
hung on to?
( Laughter )
And that... and sessions never
even gave it to him and said,
"guess what?
Surprise."
I write about that in the book.
There was a period of time, when
he gave him an undated
resignation letter to fill in
the date himself.
Stephen: Whitaker who has
been put in...
As acting.
Ease not senate confirmed to
anything.
Stephen: Right.
The senate has never said boo
about him.
No.
He is like a placeholder,
placeholder, placeholder.
This is a vacancy act legal
question.
The senate hasnt confirmed him.
How can he run a cabinet agency
when...
Stephen: Especially one
that is investigating the
president of the United States?
Right.
But any cabinet agency, but
especially that one.
When Loretta lynch stepped down,
who was the acting attorney.
The deputy attorney, Sally
yates.
Stephen: And its also not
rod Rosenstein.
This is not just what he is
he going to do but can he
actually do this?
Stephen: What is it like to
be in the room for one of these
press conferences, especially
today, which may not be the most
bombastic.
Its the most bombastic of my
career.
Stephen: Today.
Absolutely.
Stephen: Even covering
Trump.
Yeah.
As far as press conferences go.
We had three or four
throw-downs.
Stephen: Peter Alexander
stood up for Jim acosta.
Is that the appropriate thing to
do?
Thats another thing
different in the Trump era.
Historically its one man, one
woman for him, herself.
You do your thing, im going to
try to be as competitive as I
can, get my question, get my
answer, and thats it.
Now, because there is a sense
the president is not play acting
with attacks on the media and
maybe means it and those of us
who attend rallies know his
supporters react to it,
sometimes in ways that are so
hostile to make us concerned
about our own physical safety,
that there is a more of an
impetus to sort of lock arms,
just a little bit and say,
"Mr. President, if youre going
to come at us that aggressively,
we are going to lock arms
because collectively, the first
amendment is what United States
all of us, and in the room and
in the moment, we at least have
to express that to you."
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Major, thanks so
much for being here.
"Mr. Trumps wild ride" is
available now.
Major Garrett, everybody!
Well be right back.
Stephen: Thats it for
"the late show."
Tune in tomorrow when my guests
will be Billy crystal and
senator Kirsten gillibrand.
Now stick around for James
corden.
Good night!
Captioning sponsored by CBS
captioned by
state assembly election in a
landslide, even though hes
dead.
Republican Dennis hof getting a
whopping 68% of the vote in his
Nevada race.
We now go to his opponent
lesia Romanovs concession
speech.
Good evening!
I am so proud of all of you.
Oh, I love you, too!
Thank you, thank you!
We fought a good, tough
campaign.
And I want to congratulate my
opponent.
He ran a surprisingly strong
race, considering hes a dead
pimp.
As you know, I ran on a simple
platform: "Im alive, and I
dont prostitute women," as I
assumed that would put us over
the top.
Of course, the night couldve
been worse.
Although I lost to a dead pimp,
at least I didnt lose to Steve
king!
( Cheers and applause )
Thank you!
Tonight, sessions adjourned.
Plus Stephen welcomes Chris
pine, and major Garrett,
featuring Jon batiste and stay
human.
And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York
city, its Stephen Colbert!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Please have a
( cheers and applause )
Stephen: Please have a
seat, everybody.
Welcome, one and all, to "the
late show."
Im your host, Stephen Colbert.
Last night was a monumental
election that fundamentally
shifts the balance of power in
Washington, D.C. for years to
come, and and it is not the top
story, because this morning,
Trump fired his attorney
general, Jeff sessions, seen
here on his happiest day at the
job.
( Cheers and applause )
"My god, what have I become?"
( Laughter )
And after Trump had done it, but
before we knew he done did it,
one our guest tonight, major
garret, from CBS, asked Donald
Trump this:
Can you give us clarity, sir,
on your thinking currently, now,
after the midterms, about your
Attorney General and your deputy
Attorney General?
Do they have long-term security?
ID rather answer that at...
A little bit different time.
Stephen (as Trump):
" A little bit later, because
right now, im having a hard
time hearing any of these
questions over the loud beating
heart of Jeff sessions hidden
under my floorboards okay.
A little trouble stuffing the
little guy down there.
Get, get down!
Get!
I can... youve got to be able to
hear it."
Jon: Low key.
Stephen: Now, there is some
confusion among stupid people as
to whether sessions was fired or
he resigned.
He did submit a letter of
resignation, but it began, "at
your request, I am submitting my
resignation."
( Laughter ) Look at that.
Southern hospitality until the
end.
( As sessions):
"Sir, at your gracious request,
I am going to sit on it and
spin."
( Laughter )
This is, of course, none of this
is exactly a huge shock.
For over a year now, Trump has
blamed sessions for recusing
himself from overseeing the
Russia investigation, which led
to the appointment of special
counsel Robert Mueller.
You cant blame sessions for
recusing himself.
Its the only thing thats good
that hes ever done.
Thats like hating Lou bega for
"mambo no. 5."
The entirety of the song I know.
And Trump has made no secret of
his feelings about sessions.
Hes called Jeff sessions a
"traitor," "a dumb southerner,"
"Mr. Magoo," and, most
humiliating of all, "member of
my administration."
( Laughter ) No word...
( Cheers and applause )
No word what Jeff sessions is
going to do next.
I assume hes going to spend
more time with his family-
separation policy.
( Laughter )
But it is time for us to say
farewell.
So, please welcome, for the last
time, the outgoing attorney
general of the United States,
Mr. Jeff sessions.
Thank you, thank you, Stephen.
Thank you.
( Cheers and applause )
Thank you, thank you.
I thank you.
Thank you, Stephen, for this
opportunity to be welcomed
anywhere.
It is with a heavy heart and a
cream filling that I bid you all
a fond adieu and one final "I do
not recall."
I humbly request my severance
pay in sweet tea and confederate
dollars.
And while my service was cut
short in an untimely manner,
well, thats just the way my
cookie crumbles.
Please feed me to seagulls on
the banks of mobile bay!
Goodbye forever.
Do it, Stephen!
Do it!"
Do it!"
( Cheers and applause ) (
cheers and applause )
( Cheers and applause ) (
cheers and applause )
Of course, whoever replaces Jeff
sessions has big tiny shoes to
fill, because that person will
now oversee, instantly, as soon
as theyre appointed, oversee
the Mueller investigation.
Now, we havent heard much from
Mueller lately because he rigged
for silent running before the
midterms.
But theyre over, and
reportedly, Don junior has told
friends recently that he
believes he could be indicted.
( Applause ) Yeah, yeah.
Thats true.
If thats true...
Jon: Hes coming for him.
Stephen: Its only a matter
of time until Donald Trump
distances himself from his son.
(As Trump)
"Who you talking about?
Danel glump?
Ive never heard that name in my
life.
But I think he got coffee for
us."
But who would be willing to go
down in history as the man who
fired Robert Mueller?
Enter new acting attorney
general and Caucasian M&M, Matt
Whitaker.
Now, there is no way to know
whitakers stance on the Mueller
investigation... unless you read
his op-ed... "Muellers
investigation of Trump is going
too far"... in which Whitaker
wrote that if Mueller looked
into trumps finances, it could
be damaging to the president of
the United States, and by
extension, to the country.
And by "the country," of course,
he means Russia.
( Laughter )
And last year... one assumes.
One assumes.
( Applause ) ♪ ♪
I some residual Attorney General
on my hand.
( Laughter )
And last year on CNN, this new
acting Attorney General Whitaker
explained how the president
could best obstruct the Mueller
probe.
And, really, I think what,
ultimately, the president is
going to start doing is putting
pressure on rod Rosenstein... who
is in charge of this
investigation, is acting
Attorney General... and really
try to get rod to maybe even cut
the budget of Bob Mueller.
Stephen: Good point.
Trump could take all the money
away from Bob Mueller.
And, just out of habit, give it
to a porn star.
( Laughter )
So... allegedly.
So Trump just hand-picked a guy
who wants to stop the
investigation into Donald Trump
investigation of Donald Trump.
Thats like a defendant at a
murder trial saying, "your
honor, youre fired.
Im going to have my friend
Terry take your seat.
Now, then, Terry, if it please
the court, did you throw that
knife into the river like I
asked?
The correct answer is no."
And if all thats not unsettling
enough... and it is... last year,
Whitaker also
retweeted an article titled,
"note to trumps lawyer: Do not
cooperate with the Mueller lynch
mob."
Thats going to be an awkward
first day on the job.
"Hey, Bob, im your new boss,
let me know if you need any help
with the witch hunting and mob
lynching.
By the way, ill take that stack
of indictments.
Theyre not in the budget
anymore."
Meanwhile, I dont know... I
dont know about you, but I am
still recovering from the
election
of 2016.
But there was also...
(
applause )
But there was also an election
last night.
Democrats took control of the
house of representatives.
( Cheers and applause )
But... 27, 37?
Something.
Mild wave.
But in his press conference
"usa today," Trump said this was
great for the Republicans and so
did Trump.
We saw the candidates that I
supported achieve tremendous
success last night.
Mia love gave me no love, and
she lost.
Barbara comstock was another
one.
I mean, I think she could have
won that race, but she didnt
want to have any embrace.
Peter roskam didnt want the
embrace.
Eric paulsen didnt want the
embrace.
Those are some of the people
that, you know, decided for
their own reason not to embrace.
Stephen: Im... I gotta say,
im really surprised that
stopped him because he is not
known for asking permission
before he embraces.
( Applause )
I mean, just look what he did to
that poor flag.
I mean...
( Laughter )
Now, likely new speaker pelosi
has promised to work with the
president, and he thinks thats
a great idea.
But theres one thing that could
make that impossible.
If they start investigating
you, can you compartmentalize
that and still continue to work
with them for the benefit of the
rest of the country, or are all
bets off?
No, if they do that, then
its just... all of it is... is a
war-like posture.
Stephen: And, of course, we
know trumps war-like posture:
(As Trump)
"Look, Nancy... ow, bone spurs!
Bone spurs!
Bone spurs.
I got... ow, ow, ow!
Oh!
I have to... im sorry, I left...
I have... im having a Vietnam
flashback.
I gotta stay home and have sex
with models."
Then I have Jeff sessions on my
shoe now.
( Laughter )
Thats... thats... this is what...
This is what the republican
party is doing with Jeff
sessions right now.
Theyre just... just scraping
him off.
Just... there you go.
There you go.
Thanks for stopping by.
Then the questions got a little
more specific.
Point blank, democrats go
after your tax returns.
Will you try to block that, or
will you allow them to have
them?
Look, as ive told you, they
are under audit and have been
for a long time.
They are extremely complex.
People wouldnt understand them.
People dont understand tax
returns.
Its a very complex instrument,
and I think that people wouldnt
understand it.
(As Trump)
"Or at least, I hope they
wouldnt.
Otherwise, I am so screwed."
Heres the thing... they are,
they are.
And trumps tax returns are
complicated.
Weve obtained one page, and you
can see the complexity.
( Laughter )
Trump... I cant fig that you are
out.
I cant figure that out.
What could that mean?
Trump seemed a bit subdued,
throughout this mornings press
conference, until he saw one of
his favorite chew toys, cnns
Jim acosta.
Do you think that you
demonized immigrants?
I want them to come into the
country, but they have to come
in legally.
Theyre hundreds of miles
away, though.
Theyre hundreds and hundreds of
miles away.
Thats not an invasion.
Honestly, I think you should
let me run the country, and you
run CNN, and if you did it well,
your ratings would be better.
If I may ask one other
question...
Thats enough!
Mr. Question, if I may ask
one other question...
Thats enough.
Mr. President, I was going to
ask... pardon me, maam.
Thats enough!
Stephen: What?
What a dick.
Did you see that woman try to
grab Jim acostas mic?
She tried to snatch it right out
of his hand.
She looked like the wedding
deejay who just realized the
best man is loaded.
"Okay, Tony.
Okay, Tony, thats enough.
We all think Saras beautiful in
that dress, but please stop
using the word delicious."
Trump got more hostile when
asked about his campaign
rhetoric.
Thrsh some people that say
now the republican party is seen
as supporting white nationalists
because of your rhetoric.
I dont believe that.
What do you make of that?
I dont know.
Why do I have my highest poll
numbers ever with African
Americans.
Why do I have among the highest
poll numbers with African
Americans?
Thats such a racist question.
Let me tell you... thats a
racist question.
Stephen: "And I hate racist
questions.
I love racist limericks.
There once of a brown guy from
Guam... and it gets a little sexy
- from... (
- Laughter )
Lets just say... lets just say
it involves his mom.
( Laughter )
And just a little later, another
reporter helpfully gave Trump
his actual poll numbers among
African Americans.
One point of fact, because
you told her you have the
highest approval among
African-Americans...
Quiet, quiet.
Its just 8%, sir, single
digits.
( Cheers and applause )
Jon: 8, 8%.
Stephen: Actually,
technically, its gone down do
7% since kanye got out of
politics.
Other reporters also asked Trump
about the accusations of racism.
Michael Cohen recently said
you called black voters
"stupid."
Thats false.
Omarosa has accused you of
using the "n" word.
Thats false.
And the rapper lil Jon said
you called him "uncle Tom."
Whats your response...
I dont know who lil Jon is.
He was on "the apprentice."
I dont know.
Oh, he was?
Okay.
Oh, I see.
Stephen: Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Donald Trump and I have
something in common: Neither of
us watched "the apprentice."
He doesnt know lil Jon, so this
picture must have been awkward.
Lil Jon is on the right.
And ive been told we have a
statement from
lil Jon about Trump claiming he
doesnt know who he is.
What?!
Stephen: Thank you, lil.
Excellent reporting.
Weve got a great show for you
tonight.
Chris pine is here.
Were riding the pine.
But when we return, good news
from the election.
Stick around!
Thats right!
♪ A little bit of Erica by my
side
a little bit of Rita is all I
need ♪
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Welcome back!
Jon batiste and stay human,
everybody, right there!
( Cheers and applause )
Beautiful, beautiful.
Can I see that?
Hey, real quick here.
Folks, just so you know, just a
quick reminders, we are selling
"whose boat is this boat?,"
written by Donald j. Trump
accidentally.
These things are selling like
hot cakes.
Right now, Simon and schuster is
printing thee as fast as they
can.
Amazon is sending them out as
fast as they can.
Audio book is now available for
"whose boat is this boat?."
Audio book, audible, Google
play, anywhere audio books are
audiod.
I dont know.
Its, like, seven minutes long,
the audio book, something like
that.
Which I dont know how.
Its like a 14-page book.
I dont know how... how slowly
was I reading that book?
Its good, anyway.
Welcome back, welcome back to
more of tonights monologue.
( Cheers and applause )
Again, the election was last
night... quick reminder for those
of you who are nay coma.
Some of the results were
especially gratifying to me.
First of all, ID like to send
out a hearty
"dont let the door hit ya" to
soon-to-be-former Wisconsin
governor Scott Walker, who lost
last night to democrat Tony
evers.
It is the most celebrated defeat
of a white Walker since "game of
thrones."
The loss was hard on Scott
Walker.
Hopefully, he consoled himself
with his brother, Johnny.
As with all defeated politicians
in Wisconsin, Walker will be
battered, fried, and covered in
melted cheese.
( Laughter )
And it was a banner election for
diversity.
First of all, at least 110 women
won last night.
( Cheers and applause )
Women, women, women.
I love women!
Meaning a record number of women
will now serve in congress.
( Cheers and applause )
Meaning... okay, okay.
Meanwhile, red wave, blue wave...
This was a woman wave.
Which means Mike pence can no
longer go in the water without
mothers permission.
Then theres rashida tlaib of
Michigan and ilhan Omar of
Minnesota, who became the first
Muslim women in congress.
( Cheers and applause )
Thats right!
Thats right!
Two... two Muslim women!
Or as the g.O.P. Calls them, "a
caravan!"
♪ ♪
and in new Mexico and Kansas,
Deb haaland and sharice Davids
became the first native American
women elected to congress.
( Cheers and applause )
And Davids is also the first
openly l.G.B.T. Representative
in Kansas and the first openly
l.g.b.t. Woman of color in
congress.
( Cheers and applause )
She... she...
Jon: Wooo!
Stephen: Is a liberal
dream!
I hear she also doesnt own a
TV, sleeps inside an npr tote
bag, and is made of oat milk.
( Laughter )
Though I hear coconut milk is
also very good.
( Applause ) Meanwhile...
♪ ♪
perhaps the most satisfying race
for me occurred in south
carolinas first district, which
include my hometown of
Charleston, south Carolina,
where democrat Joe Cunningham
defeated huge Trump supporter
Katie arrington.
( Applause )
Now, as a democrat... as a
democrat from south Carolina,
Cunningham joins the ranks of
rare mythical creatures, like
big foot, unicorns, and people
who do crossfit without telling
anyone about it.
In Michigan they voted to
legalize recreational marijuana.
( Applause )
To celebrate, Michigan turned
their mitten into a bong.
The new state slogan: Hittin
the mitten.
Well be right back with Chris
pine.
( Band playing ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to "the late show."
You know what?
You guys...
(
cheers and applause )
You guys are in for such a treat
because my first guest is lovely
fella.
He is a fantastic actor.
He is absolutely easy on the
eyes.
He has starred in "wonder
woman," "Star Trek," and "hell
or high water."
He now stars in the film,
"outlaw king."
I could talk about honor, but
are you here.
You know enough about honor.
I know you all as men.
But today, "today we are beasts.
We fight for god, for honor, for
country, for family, for
yourselves!
I do not care!
So long as you fight!
Stephen: Why cant we be
civil?
Please welcome, Chris pine!
♪ ♪ (
applause )
♪ ♪ (
applause )
I thought we might do a
little bowing ritual there.
Good to see you again nice to
have you back.
Last time you were here was for
the movie...
"Finest hours."
Stephen: "Finest hours."
Coast guard or Boston?
Coast guard, right on!
Cool!
Stephen: Now, in that, you
had... you had a Boston accent.
Which is... its a... its a...
Its a doozy.
Stephen: Its a minefield.
So dangerous to try to do a
Boston accent.
Its taken down some very good
men.
I think it might have taken
down me.
Stephen: I dont know,
these people cheered.
Youre also doing a Scottish
accent.
Its frightened a lot of people
trying to do that.
Yeah, yeah.
Stephen: Which is harder
for you, Boston or Scottish?
Theyre both angry people?
( Laughter ).
Theyre both... theyre both...
You know, its one of those
things that theyre not only
accents.
Its a culture around the
accent.
Its like the religion of the
accents of these particular
places.
So you want to do justice to the
people and to the culture.
And...
Stephen: Did you have to do
it in front of Scottish people?
What do you think I was doing
whole time?
Stephen: I dont know,
youre actors?
They dubbed me, yeah... no.
I did, and I could... heres want
thing... when youre surrounded
by a bunch of gruff men with...
With sharpened steel, you try to
do your best at all times.
( Laughter )
And then look down and run away
with shame when you feel like
you failed them.
But everybody is, like, you
know, they feel like they have
the ph.D. Of the Scottish
accent or the Boston accent.
You know I have... I have the
north Hollywood brogue.
So I dont come from a
particular...
Stephen: You sound
American.
Im about as... im about as
white as they come.
Im about as cookie cutter wasp
...
Stephen: 23andme I might
win.
Have you done that.
Stephen: Sure, sure what
did they say?
All I remember is it talked
something about asparagus.
Stephen: Did they make you
pee in a cup?
They have all the details in
the... in the results that you
get.
One of mine was my peeing
response to asparagus.
Stephen: Your... your peeing
response...
You know some people pee it
smells like asparagus.
Some people pee, it doesnt.
Im not going to tell you what
mine is, by the way.
Stephen: Wow, place your
bets now, ladies and gentlemen.
They didnt give me that
information.
What did they give you.
Stephen: I did it with
Henry Louis gates at Harvard
university with faces of
America, and the whole result he
said to me was, "youre white,
baby."
Youre the whitest man ive ever
met.
Surprise, surprise.
Stephen: Is what he said to
me.
What was your hook?
What would do you to practice
your Scottish accent?
Well, so, I had a wonderful
dialect coach, a woman who has
been working in the business a
long time and has given great
help to many people.
So I worked with her for about
two months before I went out to
Scotland.
And every morning in the makeup
trailer, when I was putting on
my... my muddied mullet and
pieces of beard, I would do
Shakespeare with her and do some
poetry and...
Stephen: Did you do any of
the Scottish plays?
Scottish play?
We did... we did some of the
Scottish play.
We did... what did we do?
"Henry "v"."
"Hamlet."
Stephen: Can you do it in
Scottish?
No, dont put me on the spot
like, that man.
Stephen: Its my job!
Its my job!
( Cheers and applause )
Tomorrow and tomorrow and
tomorrow creeps on this pity
piece from day to day until the
last syllable of recorded time
(
cheers and applause )
Stephen:
Stephen: Now you play
Robert the Bruce.
Indeed.
Stephen: Who was Robert the
Bruce?
Robert the Bruce was... he was
born in the 13th century,
late 13th century.
Whee was cocurrent with Wallace
who you know from "braveheart."
Stephen: So he is in that?
A bit of historical trivia.
"Braveheart" which was
attributed cinematically to the
film which will not be mentioned
"braveheart," is actually the
name given to Robert the Bruce.
Stephen: What?
Upon Robert the Bruces
death, he asked his best friend,
James Douglas, to take his heart
to the holy land.
So James Douglas took his heart,
but it in an iron cask around
his neck, was on his way to the
holy land, ended up in Seville,
in Spain, and the catholic Duke
of that area said, "hey, were
fighting the Moores.
You want to step in and give us
a day?"
Stepped in, and was immediately
killed, very quickly killed.
Both he and the heart and
everything were sent back to...
Back to Scotland, and Bruces
remains were ultimately divided
into three different parts and
buried at different places in
Scotland.
Stephen: Why... why did they
chop him up?
You know im not... im not...
Im not sure.
Robert the Bruce is a very...
Heres the thing... he he was
anointed king at 32.
He fought the english for 20
years up until two years before
his death.
The english army at that time,
the fight... the big battle that
we depict.
He had 500 ill trained men
go up against essentially what
is the American nuclear army.
Its like 5,000... 3,000 mounted
soldiers, 1,000 archers, 1,000
soldiers on the ground, and he
defeated them in a day.
Which I dont know what the...
You know, the similarity would
be now.
But it was quite a feat of... it
was quite... it was quite a
thing.
Stephen: Wow.
I would say how?
But then I wouldnt have to see
the movie so im not going to
ask that question.
Good point.
Stephen: You have to buy a
ticket to find out how they do
that.
You do, indeed.
Stephen: I bet theyre
sneaky.
Very sneaky.
Stephen: Do you guys paint
yourselves blue or something
like that?
Theres nothing like that.
Stephen: Anybody fight
naiked?
No.
Stephen: Youre naked in
this movie.
Im naked.
Stephen: I heard that
youre naked, fully naked.
Throughout the whole film!
Stephen: No, no, just the
one scene!
The whole film.
Stephen: I hear its not
very long... the scene, the scene
is not...
(
laughter )
Ready, set, beard!
Stephen: You would beat me.
Thanks for being here again.
All right, man.
Stephen: Nice to see you.
Good luck with the beards.
"Outlaw king" is available on
Netflix Friday.
Chris pine, everybody!
Well be right back with major
Garrett.
( Applause ).
Stephen: Hey, everybody!
Welcome back to "9 late show."
Folks, my next guest is CBS
chief White House correspondent
whose new book is "trumps wild
ride."
Please welcome major Garrett.
♪ ♪ (
applause )
♪ ♪
Stephen: Now, you... how
auspicious for us that we have
you here tonight.
Thats a big word.
Stephen: "Auspicious?"
Yeah.
Stephen: It is.
You, this morning... what order
of question... which question...
Second.
Stephen: Second question to
the president of these united
states.
You asked... what was it?
Long-term job security of the
Attorney General.
Kind of on the nose, as we say
in the biz.
Stephen: What is the
long-term job security.
Kind of on the nose.
Stephen: And he said, "ID
rather not talk about it right
now.
Youre going to ruin the
surprise."
But he had already done it.
Yup.
Stephen: At that point...
The chief of staff, John
Kelly, had already called the
Attorney General.
Stephen: So Kelly did it,
not Trump.
Correct.
Stephen: Oh, what a hero...
Surprise!
Stephen: Exactly.
What courage, what courage.
Did you know?
I did not know-know absolutely.
Stephen: What does this
mean?
But I have a very strong
sense that it was an important
foundational question to put on
the table and see if the
president would drive closer to
what I thought was going to come
in a day or two.
Stephen: Did you have a
source telling you it was going
to happen.
Several.
Stephen: Im not going to
ask what they were.
Several.
Stephen: One of your
sources was of the president of
the United States, im sure.
( Laughter )
Hes usually "the source."
Off and on, off and on.
And you mentioned the book,
thank you for doing that...
Stephen: Well mention it
more in just a moment.
Please, do.
Stephen: Its "trumps wild
ride."
Why did you... its "Mr. Toweds
wild ride."
Right, if youve been to
Disneyland.
Stephen: And stormy Daniels
compared his penis to the
character towed from Mario cart.
No, thats news!
Thats news!
Im not making that up.
But it was not an inspiration
for the title of the book.
Stephen: I hear it doesnt.
But during the campaign, one
thing I noticed is everyone in
his inner circle would only
refer to him one way:
Mr. Trump.
Never Donald, never the Donald.
Never d.J.T.
Never "the boss."
One way and one way over,
Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump.
As if they were hypnotized.
And they actually tried to get
reporters who covered the
campaign also to reflexively,
relentlessly refer to him in one
way, one way only Mr. Trump.
Stephen: Did they say that
to you, "call him Mr. Trump?"
Yes, they would advise us to
do that.
Someplace us did.
Some of us did not.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Uh-huh... so do
you think that Mueller should be
worried right now?
Because Trump has put in this
guy, who is on the record as
saying that muellers gone too
far, and Mueller can be slowed
down or defunded.
This guys come in as... is a hit
man, right?
You said "worry."
Do you mean more worried?
Stephen: Well, I mean, why
do you think Trump did it so
fast?
Because hes going to drop
something really quickly.
Reasonable people were saying we
might learn something this week.
He knows Mueller has been
preparing a report and also
doing a lot of work at the grand
jury, interviewing more witness
s.
Stephen: Further
indictments.
Possibly.
Look, one thing I bright in the
book, there were many times in
the last year and a half where a
source would call and say, "this
indictment, this massive
indictment is about ready to
come down."
I would run down that rabbit
hole and the indictment would
never show up.
Im cautious about whats coming
and I wait until it actually
happens and then we ropt it.
Which is kind of a basic in our
industry.
( Laughter )
So I dont know whats coming.
I dont know what Trump fears.
But this guy Whitaker does have
a definite attitude about the
Mueller investigation that is
aligned with the presidents and
aligned with very few other
people who are looking at this
from an outside, objective point
of view... that Mueller should
stay, Mueller should be allowed
to do what he is doing, and the
president should back off.
To the presidents credit he
said today, "I can fire
everyone, but I wont."
Stephen: That was very big
of him.
Technically he could fire
everyone if he wanted to push
all of this to the maximum edge
of what people refer to as a
constitutional crisis.
But I like to tell people all
the time, no, no.
We have a constitution to solve
crises.
Thats what the constitution
does.
It would be a crise, but it
wouldnt be a constitutional
crisis.
It would be a presidential
crisis.
( Applause )
Stephen: I never heard that
before.
Like that.
We have to take a little bit of
a break, but dont go away
because I want to ask you what
it was like to be in that room
today at the press conference.
Stick around for that.
All right.
♪ ♪ (
band playing )
( Cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
( Cheers and applause )
Hey, everybody, were back here
with major Garrett.
Now in the press conference,
he... he mocked many members of
the g.O.P. Who lost.
Yeah.
Stephen: Youve been to a
lot of these press conferences
after elections.
Is that common for the president
to mock members of his own
party?
( Laughter ).
So this whole line of
questioning about common
experiences.
Stephen: Yes.
Presidential press
conferences and the Trump
administration, I really do have
to put that in a completely
different category.
So, no, its not common.
Its entirely uncommon and
unusual.
But if you know how much this
particular president despises
losers, it is completely
consistent with his personality,
and his approach to not only
talking about himself but
talking about people who do not
align themselves with him.
Theyre, obviously, wrong,
because they lost.
That proves my point.
That proves I am the central
figure in American politics, so
he would say.
And when youre the central
figure in American politics you
can call somebody a loser and
not suffer any consequence s.
Stephen: He is the central
figure in American pol techs and
theres no escaping that.
32 no getting off "trumps wild
ride," until its over.
We talked about sessions a
second ago.
In the book I recount on may 27,
2017, the day Robert Mueller was
named special counsel, Jeff
sessions, the Attorney General,
resigned, at the White House, to
the president.
And I recount in kind of
interesting detail, I would
suggest, how reince priebus, the
then-chief of staff had to chase
through the White House, out to
the west executive Avenue, to
climb into the s.U.V. Holding
the Attorney General, and plead
with him to come back in the
White House, unresign, and put
the cork back in that bottle for
some period of time.
Because he didnt want to have a
dual crise of a special counsel
and a resigned Attorney General
all in the same afternoon.
Stephen: Well, that brings
me to another interesting data
point about this is that the
letter, as released today, where
sessions resigns, isnt dated.
Is there any chance that this is
just the old letter that Trump
hung on to?
( Laughter )
And that... and sessions never
even gave it to him and said,
"guess what?
Surprise."
I write about that in the book.
There was a period of time, when
he gave him an undated
resignation letter to fill in
the date himself.
Stephen: Whitaker who has
been put in...
As acting.
Ease not senate confirmed to
anything.
Stephen: Right.
The senate has never said boo
about him.
No.
He is like a placeholder,
placeholder, placeholder.
This is a vacancy act legal
question.
The senate hasnt confirmed him.
How can he run a cabinet agency
when...
Stephen: Especially one
that is investigating the
president of the United States?
Right.
But any cabinet agency, but
especially that one.
When Loretta lynch stepped down,
who was the acting attorney.
The deputy attorney, Sally
yates.
Stephen: And its also not
rod Rosenstein.
This is not just what he is
he going to do but can he
actually do this?
Stephen: What is it like to
be in the room for one of these
press conferences, especially
today, which may not be the most
bombastic.
Its the most bombastic of my
career.
Stephen: Today.
Absolutely.
Stephen: Even covering
Trump.
Yeah.
As far as press conferences go.
We had three or four
throw-downs.
Stephen: Peter Alexander
stood up for Jim acosta.
Is that the appropriate thing to
do?
Thats another thing
different in the Trump era.
Historically its one man, one
woman for him, herself.
You do your thing, im going to
try to be as competitive as I
can, get my question, get my
answer, and thats it.
Now, because there is a sense
the president is not play acting
with attacks on the media and
maybe means it and those of us
who attend rallies know his
supporters react to it,
sometimes in ways that are so
hostile to make us concerned
about our own physical safety,
that there is a more of an
impetus to sort of lock arms,
just a little bit and say,
"Mr. President, if youre going
to come at us that aggressively,
we are going to lock arms
because collectively, the first
amendment is what United States
all of us, and in the room and
in the moment, we at least have
to express that to you."
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Major, thanks so
much for being here.
"Mr. Trumps wild ride" is
available now.
Major Garrett, everybody!
Well be right back.
Stephen: Thats it for
"the late show."
Tune in tomorrow when my guests
will be Billy crystal and
senator Kirsten gillibrand.
Now stick around for James
corden.
Good night!
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