The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Emily Blunt/Justice Stephen Breyer/The Dead Weather - full transcript
Actress Emily Blunt (Sicario (2015)); Supreme Court justice Stephen Breyer; The Dead Weather performs.
("Deck the halls" by bing cr
osby plays
)
Stephen: Gah!
Last night I dreamt I was
visited by three ghosts!
There they are!
- (Laughter
- ) What day is it?
What day is it!?
♪ ♪
oh, what a beautiful morning!
Say there... boy!
What?
Are you talking to me?
- (Laughter
- ) >> Stephen: Yes, you, boy!
Im 37 years old.
- (Laughter
- ) >> Stephen: Wonderful boy.
Charming boy.
Tell me, boy: What day is it
today?
Its Monday, the day before
the midterms.
Stephen: That means the
ghosts all came in one night!
Of course they did.
I havent missed the election.
Theres still time to vote.
Here, boy.
Take this shiny silver crown and
go buy the biggest midterms
goose you can find!
(Laughter
) Do you know I can see up your
nightgown, right?
- (Laughter
- ) >> Stephen: And up it for some
midterms figgy pudding.
- (Applause
- ) >> Look, seriously dude, you
have to put on some briefs.
I... I can see
all
the election
returns, and theyre swinging
left.
- (Laughter and applause
- ) >> Stephen: Oh, the midterms!
Oh, the midterms!
Wondrous boy, wondrous boy.
The midterms!
Dude, let me be clear!
I can see your entire penis!
(Laughter
)
♪ ♪
Jon: Yeah!
Stephen: Is that the jolly
tune of midterms Carols I hear?
No, it sounds like Jon batiste.
Stephen: Right it is.
That means I have a show to do!
Again, you really need to put
on pants.
Stephen: No time!
- (Laughter - ) (Cheers and applause
- )
Announcer: Its "the late
show with Stephen Colbert."
Tonight, vote!
Plus, Stephen welcomes...
Jude law.
And senator Amy klobuchar.
Plus a special appearance by
comic the insult comic dog.
Featuring Jon batiste and stay
human.
And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York
city, its Stephen Colbert!
(Cheers and applause
) (Band playing
)
Stephen: Whoo!
Yeah!
All right!
Please have a seat, welcome one
and all, in here, out there, all
around the world, Mr. and
Mrs. America, all ships at sea,
welcome to "the late show"!
Im your host Stephen Colbert.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: You can feel it in
the room, its midterms Eve.
Tomorrow is like Christmas, if
Santa was going to leave you
either shiny new checks and
balances or your stocking just
has a lump of clean, beautiful
coal!
( Laughter )
Its coming back!
Its coming back!
( Cheers and applause )
We are just hours away from the
holes opening, when Americans
will exercise their sacred right
to enrage each other.
We will vote... and you will vote
or I will find you... then, we
bush ( Cheers and applause )
( Piano riff )
We cool, baby.
Then we have to
wait for election officials to
count the contents of that
ballot box.
And I think one analyst captured
the national mood when he said
this:
Whats in the box?!
Whats in the ( Bleep ) Box?
( Laughter )
Thank you for that report,
Brad.
Stephen: Of course, tomorrow
night "the late show" will be
live.
( Cheers and applause )
So tune in and join me for a
brief, celebratory drink, or one
very long, sad boof.
Brief, celebratory drink, or one
very long, sad boof.
( Laughter )
And this is the only show you
need to watch.
Because we will have comedy, we
will have guests, and we will
have all the election results
down here on a ticker.
Were everything cable news
gives you, plus were 100%
blitzer-free.
( Cheers and applause )
Thats our promise.
We have the theater
deblitzer-ed.
Of course, in americas on-going
bitter divorce, the big question
is: Whos getting the house?
( Laughter )
Democrats need to flip 23 seats
to win control.
And theyre feeling alarmingly
confident.
Last week, on this very stage,
Nancy pelosi said out loud they
will win.
( Cheers and applause )
She then announced they were
changing their logo from the
donkey to the cursed monkeys
paw.
( Laughter )
Nate silvers website,
fivethirtyeight gives the
democrats a seven-in-eight
chance of winning control of the
house.
( Cheers and applause )
That sounds good but lets not
get ahead of ourselves.
Okay, knock on wood.
Give me a piece of wood.
Yes, this is bourbon.
But its barrel-aged.
( Laughter )
Dont go far with that.
Plus, CNN just released new
numbers on their generic ballot,
where women favor democrats 62%
to 35%.
But Republicans arent worried,
because they have a history of
not believing women.
( Laughter )
( Applause )
Mm-mm-mm.
Now, this year, especially after
being burned in 2016, the
prognosticators on cable news
are playing it safe.
Nobody really knows how its
going to turn out.
If someone tells you they
know whats going to happen
tomorrow, theyre lying.
Stephen: No, youre lying!
I need to know.
We can figure this out.
Modern statistical analysis can
tell me exactly whos going to
win tomorrow, so I can sleep
tonight.
Lets just crunch the numbers.
Okay, in the midwest, Heidi
heitkamp is down by nine.
But Claire mccaskill is up by
three.
Beto orourke is in a dead heat
with Ted Cruz.
Then again, Andrew gillum is a
sagittarius and should expect
good career news this month even
though Venus is in retrograde.
Meanwhile, his opponent Ron
desantis was born in the Chinese
year of the horse, so his
unlucky numbers are one, five,
and day.
And election day is on the
sixth.
But nevadas Dean Heller saw his
shadow, which means six more
weeks of election.
Make it stop!
( Cheers and applause )
Sorry.
( Cheers and applause )
Sorry.
But even Trump suspects the
democrats could win the house.
It could happen.
It could happen.
Were doing very well and were
doing really well in the senate.
But it could happen.
And you know what you do?
My whole life.
You know what I say, "dont
worry about it.
Ill just figure it out."
Does that make sense?
Stephen: No, it doesnt make
any sense.
Nothing youve said for the last
two years makes sense!
You dont figure anything out!
Youre the leader of the free
world and you cant figure out
how to close an umbrella!
( Cheers and applause )
Figure it out!
Well improvise.
( Laughter )
But if the Republicans do lose
the house, Trump says it wont
be his fault.
I think were gonna do very
well in the house.
My primary focus, of course, has
been on the senate.
Because there are so many people
in the house and thats a lot of
stops.
But I have done some house work
also.
Stephen: Youve never done
housework in your life.
( Cheers and applause )
Or work-work.
But the president has been
working hard to keep the senate.
Today, he was rallying in
Cleveland, where he spoke out
against the Democratic candidate
for governor.
He was hand picked and is a
disciple of Elizabeth Warren,
who I can no longer call
pocahontas because she has no
Indian blood.
She has no Indian blood!
Stephen: Is this the election
of 2018 or 1818?
"She has no Indian blood!
A caravan of freedmen are
trekking north to take your
whale oil rendering jobs!
To say nothing of the scourge of
the Irish."
( Cheers and applause )
Got to do something about the
Irish.
Got to do something about the
Irish!
And then the president
introduced his daughter ivanka,
but he chose his words
carefully.
Youre not allowed to use the
word beautiful when you talk
about women anymore... no, no,
no, no... its politically
incorrect.
I will never ever call a woman
beautiful again.
Stephen: (As Trump)
"But im happy to call them
horseface."
( Laughter )
And he made this strange comment
about the neighboring state of
Kentucky:
I wont tell you... but I, on
occasion, would be known to
sneak into Kentucky, because I
liked Kentucky.
I like Kentucky for all the
wrong reasons, but I like
Kentucky.
I like it.
Stephen: Thats weird.
( Laughter )
Do we have any idea what that
is?
I dont know what hes
talking about.
Stephen: Sounds like he
either sneaks in there for sex
or fried chicken.
Or, more likely, sex with fried
chicken.
(As Trump)
"I do chicken right."
( Laughter )
( Cheers and applause )
( Piano riff )
I call it unlawful colonel
knowledge.
( Laughter )
No letters.
But Trump admitted, hes not
perfect.
Hes better than perfect.
You know, ive actually kept
more promises than ive made.
When did you ever hear that from
a politician?
Maybe never.
Never.
Its true.
Stephen: (As Trump)
"Thats right.
I keep more than I make: My
promises exist in an unknowable
quantum state.
Its like schrodingers cat... is
the cat alive or dead?
Answer: Dead, the caravan got
it."
( Laughter )
( Piano riff )
Of course, trumps held rallies
all over the country.
On Friday, he was in west
Virginia and he name checked
Obama.
I heard President Obama speak
today.
I had to listen.
I was in the plane.
I had nothing else to do.
Stephen: You had nothing else
to do?
Youre the president!
( Cheers and applause )
You could enact meaningful
climate change legislation.
You could finally make sure
flint has clean drinking water.
For gods sakes, theyre making
four "avatar" sequels... you
could stop that!
( Laughter )
( Applause )
Four more!
( Cheers and applause )
Weve got a great show for you
tonight.
Jude law is here.
But when we return, triumph the
insult comic dog goes to Ted
Cruz and beto orourke rallies.
Stick around.
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Jon batiste and
"stay human"!
Give it up for the band!
( Cheers and applause )
As I may have mentioned once or
twice, tomorrow se election day.
The big race is for the Texas
senate seat where republican
incumbent and man who thinks
this is smiling Ted Cruz is
facing off against Democratic
challenger and boy who wished to
be big beto orourke.
( Cheers and applause )
Its been very contentious, the
polls are incredibly close and
both candidates are spending
tens of millions of dollars to
win this thing.
I wanted to send a correspondent
down there who could deliver a
report for "the late show."
Conan obrien is on hiatus but
he was kind to lend us triumph
the insult comic dog!
Hello Stephen!
Hello white liberals!
Stephen: Triumph, thank you
for being here.
Were so happy to have you cover
this story for "the late show."
Yes, you are.
Stephen: You are the
perfect person because in the
2016 primaries you interviewed
Ted Cruz.
Here you are trying to talk to
events.
You even strapped yourself to a
drone.
Yes.
Stephen: Which you then
used to chase after Ted cruzs
buzz down the highway.
Yes, I followed Ted Cruz from
Iowa all the way to new
Hampshire, but I never got to
meet him... despite being the
only person in the world who
wants to.
( Laughter )
Stephen: And how about this
time?
Well lets just say I talked
to the beto-heads, the cruzers...
And I even got close to the
candidates themselves.
Stephen: Jim?
Reporting from deep in the
heart of Texas I am here at the
rally for beto orourke
surrounded by a mob, degenerate
young leftists with all one
common, they all share the same
Netflix account.
( Laughter )
Heres the one thing I dont
know, his music.
♪
♪
Everybody is like, oh, he was a
punk rocker.
Have you actually ever heard his
music?
No, I cant say I can.
Trust me, if beto wants to
stop border crossings as much as
Ted Cruz, they could just play
his album down there.
( Laughter )
In the back, white fairks
playing a guy thats seen Ted
Cruz naked.
( Laughter )
People being disenfranchised,
reports of voting machines
switching votes from beto to Ted
Cruz.
Thats right.
Heres what you guys have to do.
When you walk to the voting
machines... because these people
are after you, man... youve got
to behave more white, okay?
Im going to coach you.
Im going to coach you.
Repeat after me... have you seen
the new season of the marvelous
Mrs. Maisel?
Its even better than gilmore
girls!
How many Ed Sheeran songs do you
know?
None.
( Bleep )!
Dont say that around the
polling place!
Who is Ed Sheeran?
Here at the polling place with
beto supporters, lets see how
they did.
Maybe its good news.
Hi, how did it go?
I double checked and checked
again to make sure.
Take this sticker,
congratulations.
It says im pretty sure I voted.
Wear this with ambivalent pride.
I will.
T says I think I just voted.
So the state of Texas let you
vote.
Yes.
And they didnt cheat.
No.
Congratulations, wear it
proudly.
Just light enough to vote.
( Laughter )
Were going to do pictures,
have a chance to talk to members
of the media and this dog.
Ill be right here.
All right, folks, believe it
or not, this is not the 12t
12th an on every n.B.A. Team.
This is the one and only beto
orourke!
Thank you, beto orourke.
I love the way you are anybody
but Ted Cruz.
Thank you.
Ell me this, beto, does it
concern you half your base
thinks they can vote for you
through Instagram?
Yeah, its going to have to
turn into real votes, but were
seek a huge voter turnout so
far.
Im worried about the voting
ma cheens changing belt os name
to cruise.
With the uncertainty around the
machines, is it now more
important than ever for
democrats to go out and vote
twice?
Vote once, thats the law.
Fair enough!
This is the man!
What does Ted Cruz have that you
dont have besides the ability
to regenerate his tail?
Beto!
Beto!
Beto!
Beto!
Im here at the Ted Cruz rally,
or a Duke dynasty kos play
convention, not 100% sure.
How confident are you Ted Cruz
will be elected?
One is not confident and ten is
the highest you can count to.
Seven.
In the last few years, Ted
Cruz has described
President Trump as amoral, a
philanderer and a buffoon, but
now, in a major shift, he just
thinks it.
Are you impressed the way Ted
has forgiven Donald Trump?
I guess so.
For the things he said?
Yeah, hes impressive.
What do you think was harder
for Ted to forgive, Trump for
insulting Teds wife or the
mongoose for eating Teds
offspring?
Because Ted is a reptile
creature.
( Laughter )
If Ted loses, do you think hell
end up with his first love the
mute lady from the shape of
water?
Because hes a hideous fish
monster, okay?
We can all agree, this is
beautiful.
In fairness, people are hard on
Ted and his looks and they call
him the zodiac killer.
Thats unfair, since his eplan
to repeal obamacare would kill
way more way, way, way, way,
way, way, way more than the
zodiac killer!
I mean, way more people than the
zodiac killer, right?
Way, way, way, way, way, way,
way, way, way, way, way more
people than the zodiac killer.
Way more!
( Applause )
Im not saying Ted Cruz supports
racist policies but he was just
given the 9:00 A.M. hour of the
"today show."
So where is beto in Texas?
This is fun!
Theyre with Ted!
More individual tax cuts
permanent.
( Booing )
What did he say?
Boo!
Raising your taxes.
Not only that he voted in favor
of something called a rain
tax...
Thats not how you put on a
t-shirt.
Ted!
Quick question!
I have a pre-existing condition
that makes me vomit out of my
eyes whenever I look at you.
Is that in the g.O.P. Healthcare
plan?
You cant ignore me, Ted!
Im not overwhelming scientific
evidence of global warming!
Ted!
Welcome to Texas.
How are you, Ted?
I cant believe this.
This is a privilege.
Can you tell these people not to
kill me if I make a joke or two?
It depends how bad a joke.
Oh, no!
Okay, well try one.
Ted, is it true you will defend
the constitution at all costs
except for when Donald Trump
calls it ugly on Twitter?
I love the constitution.
And Twitter is Twitter.
Men can talk to me, lets be
civil here.
We can all have a conversation.
Im not hurting him, Ted, I
can talk, right?
I have a Cuban in my mouth, for
gods sake, a Cuban!
This man has the right... lets
be civil here because this
man... nobody should be yelling
at this man in a public place.
I mean, doesnt the man have the
right to sit down in a
restaurant and enjoy a meal that
five waiters have spit in?
( Laughter )
As a Cuban American, anyone
smoking a cigar cant be all
bad.
Two, I just want to say to
triumph, my advice is walk away
and just remember, it w it wasn
Republicans, it was the
democrats that took you in to
the vet to get fixed, and there
is freedom on the other side!
I support spaying and
neutering just like Trump did to
you!
( Cheers and applause )
Thanks, Ted!
Thanks for visiting!
This is the lion of the senate,
right?
Chant along with me, lion of the
senate lion of the senate!
Lion of the senate!
Lion!
Lion!
Lion!
Lion!
Lion!
Ted Cruz!
Ted Cruz!
The lion of the senate!
Lion comes out by itself,
sounds like lion.
No, I hope not!
Stephen: Triumph the insult
comic dog, everyone!
Vote!
Well be right back with Jude
law.
( Cheers and applause )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Welcome back,
everybody!
Ladies and gentlemen,
my first guest is an
Oscar-nominated actor you know
from "the talented Mr. Ripley,"
"Sherlock Holmes," and "the
young pope."
He now stars as Albus Dumbledore
in "fantastic beasts: The crimes
of grindelwald."
Youve built up quite a
little network of international
contact.
However long you keep me and
my friends under surveillance
youre not going to discover
plots against you, Travis
because we want the same thing,
the defeat of grindelwald.
But I warn you, your policies
are pushing supporters into his
arms.
Im not interested.
It pains me to say it but you
are the only wizard who is his
equal.
I need you to fight him.
I cant.
Stephen: Please welcome back
to "the late show," Jude law!
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
How are you?
Stephen: Hello.
Fine, how are you?
Very well.
Good to be here.
Stephen: The last time you
were here we talked about your
show "young pope," now youre
playing young dumbeldore.
Yes.
I got to middle age and I
insisted on every part having
the word "young" and its
working out great for me.
Yeah.
Just to boost my ego.
Stephen: Im going to boost
your ego more in a moment in
case you dont know what im
going to talk about in that you
have quite a few fans who have
approved of the casting of you
as young dumbeldore and youve
gotten some nicknames.
Tell me which ones you like the
most.
Okay.
Dumble daddy.
ID my kids come up with that
one?
Stephen: Dumble dam, or my
personal favorite yumbledore.
Stephen: Dumble dam, or my
personal favorite yumbledore.
( Laughter )
It has a culinary feel to it.
Stephen: It does.
Im going to stick to
dumbledamn.
( Laughter )
Stephen: You had a chance
to talk to J.K. Rowling, havent
you?
When I got the part I thought
I have a responsibility to the
fans of the wizarding world.
Also I wanted to meet
J.K. Rowling.
It seemed to be an inroad.
She told me everything and it
was a wonderful opportunity for
an actor.
I had the direct route to the
detailed workings of my
character.
Shes a formidable smart woman.
Great company.
Stephen: Did you learn
anything you can share with us?
Of course not.
( Laughter )
Theyre very polite.
Its always like we assume
youre not going to share this
with anybody.
What can I tell you... I realize
its been fun.
Nymim in a rare position that
played a character that I get to
layer up the complexities and
inner drama and turmoils and
personal tragedies, even, about
him.
Its all in the books.
We get to unpick all of that in
detail now that were back in
the 1920s.
So its a good position to be
in.
Stephen: And we know from
the books that he was a
childhood or as a young man he
was a friend of grindelwald.
He had an intimate and
extraordinary relationship that
propelled the two of them in
opposite directions and these
sagas are about what happened
and why it propelled them in
opposite directions.
Stephen: Having to play a
younger version of mentor
character, have you played to
young Gregor.
Hes the only actor that I
know that has phone through.
This hes an old friend, but we
dont see each other much
anymore.
Stephen: Okay.
Ill call him.
I dont I did anything wrong.
( Laughter )
Stephen: The name
grindelwald, they say
grindel-vald in the movie.
I call him that assuming I
had a good friendship with him.
I call him that assuming I
had a good friendship with him.
Eddie said I call him
grindelwald.
He said would you please call me
grindel-vald?
Im sticking with that.
Stephen: Are you assuming
they wont make a leak?
I also just completed a film
for captain marvel.
Stephen: I do know this is
you right there.
I am looking forward to it.
I thought you were marvel.
Youre not marvel.
I cant tell you who ai I am.
Stephen: But youre not or
are marvel.
I cant tell you who I am.
Nice try.
Stephen: Okay.
When youre doing "fantastic
beasts," I think it might be
this British American
difference, with "fantastic
beasts," theyre, like, you know
we assume youre not going to
give any of these secrets away
and if you do were going to
tell you not to again and we may
quietly kill you.
In marvel, its like dont you
( Bleep ) Ever till anybody
about this!
( Laughter )
And there was a guy hired, I
promise you, on set, they would
say, were ready for you, and
you would step out in your suit
and they would say put the cloak
on!
Put the hood on!
Hide!
My children were have iting the
set and they were saying, sign
the n.D.A.S!
Who are these guys?
It was tight and scary.
Stephen: So are you marvel?
( Laughter )
I cant wait for both movies.
So nice to see you again.
"Fantastic beasts: The crimes of
grindelwald" opens in theaters
next Friday.
Jude law, everybody!
Well be right back with senator
Amy klobuchar.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody!
Welcome back to "the late show"!
My next guest tonight is the
senior senator from the state of
Minnesota and up for reelection
tomorrow.
Please welcome, senator Amy
klobuchar!
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Here we go!
Nice to see you again.
Thank you.
Great to be on.
Stephen: Now, the obvious
question is youre up for
reelection tomorrow.
Why are you here?
( Laughter )
Are you not superstitious?
Whats going on?
First, I have a rumor you
have a pretty big audience if
you want to remind everyone in
the country to vote.
I thought that might be a good
idea.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Eshes a senator,
if you dont vote, I think
youve broken the law.
The last time you were here, you
were here with Claire mccaskill.
Shes up for reelection as well.
I think shes doing a great
job and will pull it in
tomorrow.
Stephen: So you think you
will be working with her in the
future.
I dont predict things
because I dont take one thing
for granted.
I once ran for d.A. With no
opponent and I put up 3,000 lawn
signs, did 29 parade and 85
pancake breakfasts.
I was the only one.
So I think we have to be very
careful about taking anything
for granted, but the energy out
there is palpable.
Every corner of the state I go
to, all 87 counties in
Minnesota, people are psyched up
and ready to vote.
Stephen: How does it feel
compared to...
( Cheers and applause )
Get psyched up.
How does it feel compared to
2016?
Ah, well, okay... first of
all, major difference, in 2016,
especially in rural Minnesota,
suburbs, Trump lawn signs
everywhere.
This time there are so many
Democratic signs, it looks like
a yard sale.
They are everywhere.
The other thing, people are much
more focused on the reality of.
This theyre worried about their
healthcare, theyre worried
about getting kicked off their
health insurance if they have a
pre-exist condition, theyre
worried about the price of
prescription drugs.
These are the things theyre
talking to me about.
I think reality has hit.
The last thing they keep talking
about is they want to bring
decency back to your politics.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: That will be
refreshing.
Yes.
Stephen: How long have you
represented Minnesota?
Well, ive represented
Minnesota, first I was a d.A.,
and then I have been in the
senate since 2006.
Stephen: Okay.
Im not good at math, so, like,
40 years?
( Laughter )
Lets check your Minnesota cred.
Okay.
This could ruin my whole
election right here.
Go ahead.
Stephen: Have you ever been
immoralityized in butter at the
Minnesota state fair?
That is like our mt. Rushmore
for your audience because what
we have at the state fair is a
butter carver who sits in her
down coat in a resolving
refrigerator and carves prince
Kaya of the milkyway and her ten
princesses and carves their
heads out of # 0-pound blocks of
butter.
Every day she does a new one
complete with tiara and that is
the biggest thing in our state
fair and state.
Stephen: Have you ever been
carved out of butter at the
Minnesota state fair?
Very clear.
I dont want to evade your
question.
No, because only Princess Kay
can, and ive only been miss
skyway of march 1988.
Stephen: You were miss
skyway?
I I was.
Stephen: You buried the
lead.
What is miss skyway?
Well, that is if you work in
downtown Minneapolis, which I
did in the past, I in the
private sector, and every month
theyd pick someone who worked
on the skyway to be miss skyway,
and you got your picture in the
skyway news.
The skyways, of course, are the
glass-enclosed above ground
tunnels that connect our
buildings.
Stephen: Because if you go
outside in the winter you will
die.
Thats right, and theyre a
human rabbitt trail.
I got named miss skyway and a
dinner for two and 12 helium
balloons.
But no butter carving.
( Applause )
Thank you.
Stephen:
Stephen: Well be right back
with more senator Amy klobuchar.
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Hey, everybody!
Welcome back to "the late show"!
Were back with senator Amy
klobuchar.
President Trump argues with
emotions versus facts.
Its very effective to argue
with emotions.
How do you counterthat?
Well, I am a former
prosecutor so I do believe in
evidence and correct facts, but
I think you counter emotion with
emotion.
I mean, he has been playing
everyone like the audience with
tears and jeers and one liners
and trying something ca new ever
single day, and I think this is
a moment tomorrow to be a member
of the audience.
This is a moment where everybody
will be a citizen.
The way you counter what hes
been doing is with emotion.
So when somebody comes up to me
on a parade route with their
child in a stroller and says
this is my kid, he has down
syndrome, I would do anything
for him in the world but this is
a preexisting condition andly do
anything for him.
Or when Doug Jones won in
Alabama and this victory for
decency in that state and many
decided to cross and vote
democrat when many had never
before, that was emotion for
them.
Or last week when the imams
stood next to the rabbis and
priests and ministers in
Minnesota and we all stood
together after the heinous
murder in the synagogue, that
was a moment of positive emotion
bringing people together.
So when he has the angry
emotion, you take it head on
with positive emotion and thats
how you win.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Now, there is a
chance for a record number of
women to be in the senate this
time around.
Yes.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: There is a good
chance that 26 women will end up
in the senate after election
day.
Whats your first-day advice to
these people coming in.
I think it would be to be
careful where you eat.
Stephen: Why?
In my first day in the senate
I was in the fancy dining room
with the big picture of l.B.J.,
and I was with my soup and
salad, and Patty Murray of
Washington state says Amy, you
just took the entire bowl of
thousand island dressing and
youre about to eat it.
I said to her, thats what we do
in Minnesota, we eat the
thousand island dressing.
( Laughter )
( Applause )
Stephen: There it is.
And I would say my other
piece of advice to anyone in
politics who on the city council
or school board, student
council, is to respect other
people, to be willing to to find
the common ground, to understand
courage isnt just standing in
the corner of the boxing ring,
throwing insult, courage to
stand next to somebody you dont
always agree with for the
betterment of the country and
you go with where its not just
comfortable but uncomfortable
and thats where were going to
win the midwest.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Senator Amy
klobuchar, everybody!
Well be right back.
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Thats it for "the
late show."
Tune in tomorrow for our live
election show with John
heilemann and Alex Wagner from
"the circus," and hasan minaj.
Stick around for James.
Good night!
Captioning sponsored by CBS
captioned by
osby plays
)
Stephen: Gah!
Last night I dreamt I was
visited by three ghosts!
There they are!
- (Laughter
- ) What day is it?
What day is it!?
♪ ♪
oh, what a beautiful morning!
Say there... boy!
What?
Are you talking to me?
- (Laughter
- ) >> Stephen: Yes, you, boy!
Im 37 years old.
- (Laughter
- ) >> Stephen: Wonderful boy.
Charming boy.
Tell me, boy: What day is it
today?
Its Monday, the day before
the midterms.
Stephen: That means the
ghosts all came in one night!
Of course they did.
I havent missed the election.
Theres still time to vote.
Here, boy.
Take this shiny silver crown and
go buy the biggest midterms
goose you can find!
(Laughter
) Do you know I can see up your
nightgown, right?
- (Laughter
- ) >> Stephen: And up it for some
midterms figgy pudding.
- (Applause
- ) >> Look, seriously dude, you
have to put on some briefs.
I... I can see
all
the election
returns, and theyre swinging
left.
- (Laughter and applause
- ) >> Stephen: Oh, the midterms!
Oh, the midterms!
Wondrous boy, wondrous boy.
The midterms!
Dude, let me be clear!
I can see your entire penis!
(Laughter
)
♪ ♪
Jon: Yeah!
Stephen: Is that the jolly
tune of midterms Carols I hear?
No, it sounds like Jon batiste.
Stephen: Right it is.
That means I have a show to do!
Again, you really need to put
on pants.
Stephen: No time!
- (Laughter - ) (Cheers and applause
- )
Announcer: Its "the late
show with Stephen Colbert."
Tonight, vote!
Plus, Stephen welcomes...
Jude law.
And senator Amy klobuchar.
Plus a special appearance by
comic the insult comic dog.
Featuring Jon batiste and stay
human.
And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York
city, its Stephen Colbert!
(Cheers and applause
) (Band playing
)
Stephen: Whoo!
Yeah!
All right!
Please have a seat, welcome one
and all, in here, out there, all
around the world, Mr. and
Mrs. America, all ships at sea,
welcome to "the late show"!
Im your host Stephen Colbert.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: You can feel it in
the room, its midterms Eve.
Tomorrow is like Christmas, if
Santa was going to leave you
either shiny new checks and
balances or your stocking just
has a lump of clean, beautiful
coal!
( Laughter )
Its coming back!
Its coming back!
( Cheers and applause )
We are just hours away from the
holes opening, when Americans
will exercise their sacred right
to enrage each other.
We will vote... and you will vote
or I will find you... then, we
bush ( Cheers and applause )
( Piano riff )
We cool, baby.
Then we have to
wait for election officials to
count the contents of that
ballot box.
And I think one analyst captured
the national mood when he said
this:
Whats in the box?!
Whats in the ( Bleep ) Box?
( Laughter )
Thank you for that report,
Brad.
Stephen: Of course, tomorrow
night "the late show" will be
live.
( Cheers and applause )
So tune in and join me for a
brief, celebratory drink, or one
very long, sad boof.
Brief, celebratory drink, or one
very long, sad boof.
( Laughter )
And this is the only show you
need to watch.
Because we will have comedy, we
will have guests, and we will
have all the election results
down here on a ticker.
Were everything cable news
gives you, plus were 100%
blitzer-free.
( Cheers and applause )
Thats our promise.
We have the theater
deblitzer-ed.
Of course, in americas on-going
bitter divorce, the big question
is: Whos getting the house?
( Laughter )
Democrats need to flip 23 seats
to win control.
And theyre feeling alarmingly
confident.
Last week, on this very stage,
Nancy pelosi said out loud they
will win.
( Cheers and applause )
She then announced they were
changing their logo from the
donkey to the cursed monkeys
paw.
( Laughter )
Nate silvers website,
fivethirtyeight gives the
democrats a seven-in-eight
chance of winning control of the
house.
( Cheers and applause )
That sounds good but lets not
get ahead of ourselves.
Okay, knock on wood.
Give me a piece of wood.
Yes, this is bourbon.
But its barrel-aged.
( Laughter )
Dont go far with that.
Plus, CNN just released new
numbers on their generic ballot,
where women favor democrats 62%
to 35%.
But Republicans arent worried,
because they have a history of
not believing women.
( Laughter )
( Applause )
Mm-mm-mm.
Now, this year, especially after
being burned in 2016, the
prognosticators on cable news
are playing it safe.
Nobody really knows how its
going to turn out.
If someone tells you they
know whats going to happen
tomorrow, theyre lying.
Stephen: No, youre lying!
I need to know.
We can figure this out.
Modern statistical analysis can
tell me exactly whos going to
win tomorrow, so I can sleep
tonight.
Lets just crunch the numbers.
Okay, in the midwest, Heidi
heitkamp is down by nine.
But Claire mccaskill is up by
three.
Beto orourke is in a dead heat
with Ted Cruz.
Then again, Andrew gillum is a
sagittarius and should expect
good career news this month even
though Venus is in retrograde.
Meanwhile, his opponent Ron
desantis was born in the Chinese
year of the horse, so his
unlucky numbers are one, five,
and day.
And election day is on the
sixth.
But nevadas Dean Heller saw his
shadow, which means six more
weeks of election.
Make it stop!
( Cheers and applause )
Sorry.
( Cheers and applause )
Sorry.
But even Trump suspects the
democrats could win the house.
It could happen.
It could happen.
Were doing very well and were
doing really well in the senate.
But it could happen.
And you know what you do?
My whole life.
You know what I say, "dont
worry about it.
Ill just figure it out."
Does that make sense?
Stephen: No, it doesnt make
any sense.
Nothing youve said for the last
two years makes sense!
You dont figure anything out!
Youre the leader of the free
world and you cant figure out
how to close an umbrella!
( Cheers and applause )
Figure it out!
Well improvise.
( Laughter )
But if the Republicans do lose
the house, Trump says it wont
be his fault.
I think were gonna do very
well in the house.
My primary focus, of course, has
been on the senate.
Because there are so many people
in the house and thats a lot of
stops.
But I have done some house work
also.
Stephen: Youve never done
housework in your life.
( Cheers and applause )
Or work-work.
But the president has been
working hard to keep the senate.
Today, he was rallying in
Cleveland, where he spoke out
against the Democratic candidate
for governor.
He was hand picked and is a
disciple of Elizabeth Warren,
who I can no longer call
pocahontas because she has no
Indian blood.
She has no Indian blood!
Stephen: Is this the election
of 2018 or 1818?
"She has no Indian blood!
A caravan of freedmen are
trekking north to take your
whale oil rendering jobs!
To say nothing of the scourge of
the Irish."
( Cheers and applause )
Got to do something about the
Irish.
Got to do something about the
Irish!
And then the president
introduced his daughter ivanka,
but he chose his words
carefully.
Youre not allowed to use the
word beautiful when you talk
about women anymore... no, no,
no, no... its politically
incorrect.
I will never ever call a woman
beautiful again.
Stephen: (As Trump)
"But im happy to call them
horseface."
( Laughter )
And he made this strange comment
about the neighboring state of
Kentucky:
I wont tell you... but I, on
occasion, would be known to
sneak into Kentucky, because I
liked Kentucky.
I like Kentucky for all the
wrong reasons, but I like
Kentucky.
I like it.
Stephen: Thats weird.
( Laughter )
Do we have any idea what that
is?
I dont know what hes
talking about.
Stephen: Sounds like he
either sneaks in there for sex
or fried chicken.
Or, more likely, sex with fried
chicken.
(As Trump)
"I do chicken right."
( Laughter )
( Cheers and applause )
( Piano riff )
I call it unlawful colonel
knowledge.
( Laughter )
No letters.
But Trump admitted, hes not
perfect.
Hes better than perfect.
You know, ive actually kept
more promises than ive made.
When did you ever hear that from
a politician?
Maybe never.
Never.
Its true.
Stephen: (As Trump)
"Thats right.
I keep more than I make: My
promises exist in an unknowable
quantum state.
Its like schrodingers cat... is
the cat alive or dead?
Answer: Dead, the caravan got
it."
( Laughter )
( Piano riff )
Of course, trumps held rallies
all over the country.
On Friday, he was in west
Virginia and he name checked
Obama.
I heard President Obama speak
today.
I had to listen.
I was in the plane.
I had nothing else to do.
Stephen: You had nothing else
to do?
Youre the president!
( Cheers and applause )
You could enact meaningful
climate change legislation.
You could finally make sure
flint has clean drinking water.
For gods sakes, theyre making
four "avatar" sequels... you
could stop that!
( Laughter )
( Applause )
Four more!
( Cheers and applause )
Weve got a great show for you
tonight.
Jude law is here.
But when we return, triumph the
insult comic dog goes to Ted
Cruz and beto orourke rallies.
Stick around.
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Jon batiste and
"stay human"!
Give it up for the band!
( Cheers and applause )
As I may have mentioned once or
twice, tomorrow se election day.
The big race is for the Texas
senate seat where republican
incumbent and man who thinks
this is smiling Ted Cruz is
facing off against Democratic
challenger and boy who wished to
be big beto orourke.
( Cheers and applause )
Its been very contentious, the
polls are incredibly close and
both candidates are spending
tens of millions of dollars to
win this thing.
I wanted to send a correspondent
down there who could deliver a
report for "the late show."
Conan obrien is on hiatus but
he was kind to lend us triumph
the insult comic dog!
Hello Stephen!
Hello white liberals!
Stephen: Triumph, thank you
for being here.
Were so happy to have you cover
this story for "the late show."
Yes, you are.
Stephen: You are the
perfect person because in the
2016 primaries you interviewed
Ted Cruz.
Here you are trying to talk to
events.
You even strapped yourself to a
drone.
Yes.
Stephen: Which you then
used to chase after Ted cruzs
buzz down the highway.
Yes, I followed Ted Cruz from
Iowa all the way to new
Hampshire, but I never got to
meet him... despite being the
only person in the world who
wants to.
( Laughter )
Stephen: And how about this
time?
Well lets just say I talked
to the beto-heads, the cruzers...
And I even got close to the
candidates themselves.
Stephen: Jim?
Reporting from deep in the
heart of Texas I am here at the
rally for beto orourke
surrounded by a mob, degenerate
young leftists with all one
common, they all share the same
Netflix account.
( Laughter )
Heres the one thing I dont
know, his music.
♪
♪
Everybody is like, oh, he was a
punk rocker.
Have you actually ever heard his
music?
No, I cant say I can.
Trust me, if beto wants to
stop border crossings as much as
Ted Cruz, they could just play
his album down there.
( Laughter )
In the back, white fairks
playing a guy thats seen Ted
Cruz naked.
( Laughter )
People being disenfranchised,
reports of voting machines
switching votes from beto to Ted
Cruz.
Thats right.
Heres what you guys have to do.
When you walk to the voting
machines... because these people
are after you, man... youve got
to behave more white, okay?
Im going to coach you.
Im going to coach you.
Repeat after me... have you seen
the new season of the marvelous
Mrs. Maisel?
Its even better than gilmore
girls!
How many Ed Sheeran songs do you
know?
None.
( Bleep )!
Dont say that around the
polling place!
Who is Ed Sheeran?
Here at the polling place with
beto supporters, lets see how
they did.
Maybe its good news.
Hi, how did it go?
I double checked and checked
again to make sure.
Take this sticker,
congratulations.
It says im pretty sure I voted.
Wear this with ambivalent pride.
I will.
T says I think I just voted.
So the state of Texas let you
vote.
Yes.
And they didnt cheat.
No.
Congratulations, wear it
proudly.
Just light enough to vote.
( Laughter )
Were going to do pictures,
have a chance to talk to members
of the media and this dog.
Ill be right here.
All right, folks, believe it
or not, this is not the 12t
12th an on every n.B.A. Team.
This is the one and only beto
orourke!
Thank you, beto orourke.
I love the way you are anybody
but Ted Cruz.
Thank you.
Ell me this, beto, does it
concern you half your base
thinks they can vote for you
through Instagram?
Yeah, its going to have to
turn into real votes, but were
seek a huge voter turnout so
far.
Im worried about the voting
ma cheens changing belt os name
to cruise.
With the uncertainty around the
machines, is it now more
important than ever for
democrats to go out and vote
twice?
Vote once, thats the law.
Fair enough!
This is the man!
What does Ted Cruz have that you
dont have besides the ability
to regenerate his tail?
Beto!
Beto!
Beto!
Beto!
Im here at the Ted Cruz rally,
or a Duke dynasty kos play
convention, not 100% sure.
How confident are you Ted Cruz
will be elected?
One is not confident and ten is
the highest you can count to.
Seven.
In the last few years, Ted
Cruz has described
President Trump as amoral, a
philanderer and a buffoon, but
now, in a major shift, he just
thinks it.
Are you impressed the way Ted
has forgiven Donald Trump?
I guess so.
For the things he said?
Yeah, hes impressive.
What do you think was harder
for Ted to forgive, Trump for
insulting Teds wife or the
mongoose for eating Teds
offspring?
Because Ted is a reptile
creature.
( Laughter )
If Ted loses, do you think hell
end up with his first love the
mute lady from the shape of
water?
Because hes a hideous fish
monster, okay?
We can all agree, this is
beautiful.
In fairness, people are hard on
Ted and his looks and they call
him the zodiac killer.
Thats unfair, since his eplan
to repeal obamacare would kill
way more way, way, way, way,
way, way, way more than the
zodiac killer!
I mean, way more people than the
zodiac killer, right?
Way, way, way, way, way, way,
way, way, way, way, way more
people than the zodiac killer.
Way more!
( Applause )
Im not saying Ted Cruz supports
racist policies but he was just
given the 9:00 A.M. hour of the
"today show."
So where is beto in Texas?
This is fun!
Theyre with Ted!
More individual tax cuts
permanent.
( Booing )
What did he say?
Boo!
Raising your taxes.
Not only that he voted in favor
of something called a rain
tax...
Thats not how you put on a
t-shirt.
Ted!
Quick question!
I have a pre-existing condition
that makes me vomit out of my
eyes whenever I look at you.
Is that in the g.O.P. Healthcare
plan?
You cant ignore me, Ted!
Im not overwhelming scientific
evidence of global warming!
Ted!
Welcome to Texas.
How are you, Ted?
I cant believe this.
This is a privilege.
Can you tell these people not to
kill me if I make a joke or two?
It depends how bad a joke.
Oh, no!
Okay, well try one.
Ted, is it true you will defend
the constitution at all costs
except for when Donald Trump
calls it ugly on Twitter?
I love the constitution.
And Twitter is Twitter.
Men can talk to me, lets be
civil here.
We can all have a conversation.
Im not hurting him, Ted, I
can talk, right?
I have a Cuban in my mouth, for
gods sake, a Cuban!
This man has the right... lets
be civil here because this
man... nobody should be yelling
at this man in a public place.
I mean, doesnt the man have the
right to sit down in a
restaurant and enjoy a meal that
five waiters have spit in?
( Laughter )
As a Cuban American, anyone
smoking a cigar cant be all
bad.
Two, I just want to say to
triumph, my advice is walk away
and just remember, it w it wasn
Republicans, it was the
democrats that took you in to
the vet to get fixed, and there
is freedom on the other side!
I support spaying and
neutering just like Trump did to
you!
( Cheers and applause )
Thanks, Ted!
Thanks for visiting!
This is the lion of the senate,
right?
Chant along with me, lion of the
senate lion of the senate!
Lion of the senate!
Lion!
Lion!
Lion!
Lion!
Lion!
Ted Cruz!
Ted Cruz!
The lion of the senate!
Lion comes out by itself,
sounds like lion.
No, I hope not!
Stephen: Triumph the insult
comic dog, everyone!
Vote!
Well be right back with Jude
law.
( Cheers and applause )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Welcome back,
everybody!
Ladies and gentlemen,
my first guest is an
Oscar-nominated actor you know
from "the talented Mr. Ripley,"
"Sherlock Holmes," and "the
young pope."
He now stars as Albus Dumbledore
in "fantastic beasts: The crimes
of grindelwald."
Youve built up quite a
little network of international
contact.
However long you keep me and
my friends under surveillance
youre not going to discover
plots against you, Travis
because we want the same thing,
the defeat of grindelwald.
But I warn you, your policies
are pushing supporters into his
arms.
Im not interested.
It pains me to say it but you
are the only wizard who is his
equal.
I need you to fight him.
I cant.
Stephen: Please welcome back
to "the late show," Jude law!
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
How are you?
Stephen: Hello.
Fine, how are you?
Very well.
Good to be here.
Stephen: The last time you
were here we talked about your
show "young pope," now youre
playing young dumbeldore.
Yes.
I got to middle age and I
insisted on every part having
the word "young" and its
working out great for me.
Yeah.
Just to boost my ego.
Stephen: Im going to boost
your ego more in a moment in
case you dont know what im
going to talk about in that you
have quite a few fans who have
approved of the casting of you
as young dumbeldore and youve
gotten some nicknames.
Tell me which ones you like the
most.
Okay.
Dumble daddy.
ID my kids come up with that
one?
Stephen: Dumble dam, or my
personal favorite yumbledore.
Stephen: Dumble dam, or my
personal favorite yumbledore.
( Laughter )
It has a culinary feel to it.
Stephen: It does.
Im going to stick to
dumbledamn.
( Laughter )
Stephen: You had a chance
to talk to J.K. Rowling, havent
you?
When I got the part I thought
I have a responsibility to the
fans of the wizarding world.
Also I wanted to meet
J.K. Rowling.
It seemed to be an inroad.
She told me everything and it
was a wonderful opportunity for
an actor.
I had the direct route to the
detailed workings of my
character.
Shes a formidable smart woman.
Great company.
Stephen: Did you learn
anything you can share with us?
Of course not.
( Laughter )
Theyre very polite.
Its always like we assume
youre not going to share this
with anybody.
What can I tell you... I realize
its been fun.
Nymim in a rare position that
played a character that I get to
layer up the complexities and
inner drama and turmoils and
personal tragedies, even, about
him.
Its all in the books.
We get to unpick all of that in
detail now that were back in
the 1920s.
So its a good position to be
in.
Stephen: And we know from
the books that he was a
childhood or as a young man he
was a friend of grindelwald.
He had an intimate and
extraordinary relationship that
propelled the two of them in
opposite directions and these
sagas are about what happened
and why it propelled them in
opposite directions.
Stephen: Having to play a
younger version of mentor
character, have you played to
young Gregor.
Hes the only actor that I
know that has phone through.
This hes an old friend, but we
dont see each other much
anymore.
Stephen: Okay.
Ill call him.
I dont I did anything wrong.
( Laughter )
Stephen: The name
grindelwald, they say
grindel-vald in the movie.
I call him that assuming I
had a good friendship with him.
I call him that assuming I
had a good friendship with him.
Eddie said I call him
grindelwald.
He said would you please call me
grindel-vald?
Im sticking with that.
Stephen: Are you assuming
they wont make a leak?
I also just completed a film
for captain marvel.
Stephen: I do know this is
you right there.
I am looking forward to it.
I thought you were marvel.
Youre not marvel.
I cant tell you who ai I am.
Stephen: But youre not or
are marvel.
I cant tell you who I am.
Nice try.
Stephen: Okay.
When youre doing "fantastic
beasts," I think it might be
this British American
difference, with "fantastic
beasts," theyre, like, you know
we assume youre not going to
give any of these secrets away
and if you do were going to
tell you not to again and we may
quietly kill you.
In marvel, its like dont you
( Bleep ) Ever till anybody
about this!
( Laughter )
And there was a guy hired, I
promise you, on set, they would
say, were ready for you, and
you would step out in your suit
and they would say put the cloak
on!
Put the hood on!
Hide!
My children were have iting the
set and they were saying, sign
the n.D.A.S!
Who are these guys?
It was tight and scary.
Stephen: So are you marvel?
( Laughter )
I cant wait for both movies.
So nice to see you again.
"Fantastic beasts: The crimes of
grindelwald" opens in theaters
next Friday.
Jude law, everybody!
Well be right back with senator
Amy klobuchar.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody!
Welcome back to "the late show"!
My next guest tonight is the
senior senator from the state of
Minnesota and up for reelection
tomorrow.
Please welcome, senator Amy
klobuchar!
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Here we go!
Nice to see you again.
Thank you.
Great to be on.
Stephen: Now, the obvious
question is youre up for
reelection tomorrow.
Why are you here?
( Laughter )
Are you not superstitious?
Whats going on?
First, I have a rumor you
have a pretty big audience if
you want to remind everyone in
the country to vote.
I thought that might be a good
idea.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Eshes a senator,
if you dont vote, I think
youve broken the law.
The last time you were here, you
were here with Claire mccaskill.
Shes up for reelection as well.
I think shes doing a great
job and will pull it in
tomorrow.
Stephen: So you think you
will be working with her in the
future.
I dont predict things
because I dont take one thing
for granted.
I once ran for d.A. With no
opponent and I put up 3,000 lawn
signs, did 29 parade and 85
pancake breakfasts.
I was the only one.
So I think we have to be very
careful about taking anything
for granted, but the energy out
there is palpable.
Every corner of the state I go
to, all 87 counties in
Minnesota, people are psyched up
and ready to vote.
Stephen: How does it feel
compared to...
( Cheers and applause )
Get psyched up.
How does it feel compared to
2016?
Ah, well, okay... first of
all, major difference, in 2016,
especially in rural Minnesota,
suburbs, Trump lawn signs
everywhere.
This time there are so many
Democratic signs, it looks like
a yard sale.
They are everywhere.
The other thing, people are much
more focused on the reality of.
This theyre worried about their
healthcare, theyre worried
about getting kicked off their
health insurance if they have a
pre-exist condition, theyre
worried about the price of
prescription drugs.
These are the things theyre
talking to me about.
I think reality has hit.
The last thing they keep talking
about is they want to bring
decency back to your politics.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: That will be
refreshing.
Yes.
Stephen: How long have you
represented Minnesota?
Well, ive represented
Minnesota, first I was a d.A.,
and then I have been in the
senate since 2006.
Stephen: Okay.
Im not good at math, so, like,
40 years?
( Laughter )
Lets check your Minnesota cred.
Okay.
This could ruin my whole
election right here.
Go ahead.
Stephen: Have you ever been
immoralityized in butter at the
Minnesota state fair?
That is like our mt. Rushmore
for your audience because what
we have at the state fair is a
butter carver who sits in her
down coat in a resolving
refrigerator and carves prince
Kaya of the milkyway and her ten
princesses and carves their
heads out of # 0-pound blocks of
butter.
Every day she does a new one
complete with tiara and that is
the biggest thing in our state
fair and state.
Stephen: Have you ever been
carved out of butter at the
Minnesota state fair?
Very clear.
I dont want to evade your
question.
No, because only Princess Kay
can, and ive only been miss
skyway of march 1988.
Stephen: You were miss
skyway?
I I was.
Stephen: You buried the
lead.
What is miss skyway?
Well, that is if you work in
downtown Minneapolis, which I
did in the past, I in the
private sector, and every month
theyd pick someone who worked
on the skyway to be miss skyway,
and you got your picture in the
skyway news.
The skyways, of course, are the
glass-enclosed above ground
tunnels that connect our
buildings.
Stephen: Because if you go
outside in the winter you will
die.
Thats right, and theyre a
human rabbitt trail.
I got named miss skyway and a
dinner for two and 12 helium
balloons.
But no butter carving.
( Applause )
Thank you.
Stephen:
Stephen: Well be right back
with more senator Amy klobuchar.
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Hey, everybody!
Welcome back to "the late show"!
Were back with senator Amy
klobuchar.
President Trump argues with
emotions versus facts.
Its very effective to argue
with emotions.
How do you counterthat?
Well, I am a former
prosecutor so I do believe in
evidence and correct facts, but
I think you counter emotion with
emotion.
I mean, he has been playing
everyone like the audience with
tears and jeers and one liners
and trying something ca new ever
single day, and I think this is
a moment tomorrow to be a member
of the audience.
This is a moment where everybody
will be a citizen.
The way you counter what hes
been doing is with emotion.
So when somebody comes up to me
on a parade route with their
child in a stroller and says
this is my kid, he has down
syndrome, I would do anything
for him in the world but this is
a preexisting condition andly do
anything for him.
Or when Doug Jones won in
Alabama and this victory for
decency in that state and many
decided to cross and vote
democrat when many had never
before, that was emotion for
them.
Or last week when the imams
stood next to the rabbis and
priests and ministers in
Minnesota and we all stood
together after the heinous
murder in the synagogue, that
was a moment of positive emotion
bringing people together.
So when he has the angry
emotion, you take it head on
with positive emotion and thats
how you win.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Now, there is a
chance for a record number of
women to be in the senate this
time around.
Yes.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: There is a good
chance that 26 women will end up
in the senate after election
day.
Whats your first-day advice to
these people coming in.
I think it would be to be
careful where you eat.
Stephen: Why?
In my first day in the senate
I was in the fancy dining room
with the big picture of l.B.J.,
and I was with my soup and
salad, and Patty Murray of
Washington state says Amy, you
just took the entire bowl of
thousand island dressing and
youre about to eat it.
I said to her, thats what we do
in Minnesota, we eat the
thousand island dressing.
( Laughter )
( Applause )
Stephen: There it is.
And I would say my other
piece of advice to anyone in
politics who on the city council
or school board, student
council, is to respect other
people, to be willing to to find
the common ground, to understand
courage isnt just standing in
the corner of the boxing ring,
throwing insult, courage to
stand next to somebody you dont
always agree with for the
betterment of the country and
you go with where its not just
comfortable but uncomfortable
and thats where were going to
win the midwest.
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Senator Amy
klobuchar, everybody!
Well be right back.
( Cheers and applause )
( Band playing )
Stephen: Thats it for "the
late show."
Tune in tomorrow for our live
election show with John
heilemann and Alex Wagner from
"the circus," and hasan minaj.
Stick around for James.
Good night!
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