The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
Hi!
Im Jeremy farblah, a life-long
Georgia resident.
I want you to know that this
November 6, we all need to
exercise our right to vote.
And I will, as soon as a famous
person shows up at my door.
But it doesnt have to be an
a-lister.
Ill take any celebrity...
Goose from "top gun,"
"stranger things" kid,
flo from those progressive
commercials.
So, this November 6, get out and
come to my house if youre a
celebrity!
Also, dont park in the
driveway.
Im having French drains put in.
Paid for by the committee for
Jeremy farblah to meet a
celebrity.
Oh, gotta go.
I think Kevin James is here.
Ah, never mind.
Its just the u.P.S. Guy.
Oh, wait, it is Kevin James.
Its "the late show with
Stephen Colbert."
Tonight, only the good vote
young.
Plus, Stephen welcomes
Billy eichner.
And iztkah perlman.
Featuring Jon batiste and stay
human.
And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York
city, its Stephen Colbert!
( Cheers and applause )
>> Stephen: Woooo!
Lets do it!
( Cheers and applause ).
Stephen: Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Whats going on?
Lets do another.
You want to do another.
Audience: Stephen!
Stephen!
Stephen!
Stephen.
Stephen: What?
What?
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
( Cheers and applause )
Please have a seat, everybody.
Welcome to "the late show."
Im your host, Stephen Colbert.
Its Friday.
Its Friday.
( Cheers and applause )
Weve earned it.
Weve earned it.
And the midterm elections are
just four days away.
Theres so much excitement, even
Republicans in Georgia cant
suppress it.
And on Tuesday, Tuesday, this
"late show" right here will be
live from the ed Sullivan
theater.
- Of course... (
- Cheers and applause )
Big night.
Big night.
Jon: Were going to be
right up here live!
Stephen: Of course, the
electorate has changed some
since last we voted.
Because in this election,
millennials will pass baby
boomers as the largest
voter-eligible age group.
Yes!
( Cheers and applause ) Boom!
Jon: Thats right.
Stephen: The torch has been
passed to millennials, who
immediately dropped it because
its way easier just to use the
flashlight on your phone.
And the younglings are paying
attention to the midterms.
According to a new Harvard
study, "young people could vote
next week in numbers not seen in
more than 30 years."
( Cheers and applause )
I hope so.
Jon: I want to see that.
Stephen: I hope so.
Jon: I want to see that.
Stephen: Do it.
30 years!
It could be the highest turnout
since the late 80s, when young
people came out in force for the
presidential ticket of
madonna/beetlejuice 88.
And the early voting numbers
back it up.
Compared to the last midterms in
2014, 18- to 29-year-old turnout
is five times higher in Texas,
five times higher in Nevada,
four times higher in Georgia,
and three times higher in
Arizona.
( Cheers and applause )
Thats right!
Three times higher in Arizona.
This year, all three people who
are under 30 in Arizona voted.
Good are you!
Jon: Yeah.
Please, please, wear sunscreen
because that old lady on the
bench is 26.
And universities are doing their
part, too.
The schools of the big ten have
announced the big-ten voting
challenge to see which school
has the highest eligible voter
turnout.
Now, im a proud big-ten alum.
And I want all my fellow
Northwestern wildcats to get out
there and vote and win this
thing.
But given the swing states this
year, im also okay if Ohio
state or Wisconsin just crush
us.
- But still, some young people... (
- Applause )
Some young...
But still, some young people
arent planning to vote.
And "New York" magazine asked 12
disengaged millenials why.
Some of the reasons are, well,
reasonable, like:
"Its incredibly difficult for
hourly workers to vote."
"Its such a tedious process to
even get registered."
And, "growing up, going to
catholic school, everything we
learned had a skew on it.
I think that shaped me to hate
politics."
Now, as a catholic, it pains me
to hear that.
Our religion isnt about
teaching you to hate politics.
Its about teaching you to hate
yourself.
( Laughter ) (
applause )
Why did I... why did I say that?
Now the baby Jesus is crying.
( Laughter )
But there are dumb reasons, too,
like this young man from Texas
who said, "I tried to register
for the 2016 election, but it
was beyond the deadline by the
time I tried to do it.
I hate mailing stuff.
It gives me anxiety."
( Laughter )
Spoken like a true patriot.
As Patrick Henry once said,
"give me Liberty or give me
Xanax.
I gotta go to the post office."
( Laughter ) Then
then theres this confusing
logic from a non-voter in Ohio:
"My friend gave me the prince,
by machiavelli.
I got into hellenism.
I read Cicero, livy.
Later on, I got into Voltaire.
I never felt certain enough to
vote."
( Laughter )
Academic theory is fun, but its
no excuse for inaction.
Thats why I cant pay my bills
with a check that just says,
"money is a construct!"
(
laughter )
Now, this election has been very
divisive.
I think we all know that.
But most of us believe that deep
down, we all have the same hopes
and dreams.
And we are wrong.
Because a new survey says
Republicans and democrats dont
just disagree about politics.
They have different sexual
fantasies.
You can trust the survey,
because they took their time.
I mean, the voters were
repeatedly polled.
( Laughter )
Apparently, Republicans were
more likely to fantasize about
things like infidelity, orgies,
and partner swapping, from
70s-style "key parties" to
modern-day forms of swinging.
Thats right, Republicans are
the party of family values.
And theyd really value a chance
to party with your family.
( Laughter ) But thats not all!
( Applause )
Some very, very open-minded
people here tonight.
But thats not all.
Republicans also reported more
fantasies with voyeuristic
themes, including visiting strip
clubs.
How uptight do you have to be
that visiting a strip club is
your fantasy?
( Laughter ) "A strip club?
Theres no way you could
randomly be in a room that also
has a naked lady.
But once a year, on my birthday,
I do drive past one."
Things are a little different on
the other side of the aisle,
democrats were more likely to
fantasize about b.D.S.M.
Activities, particularly
masochism, which involves
deriving pleasure from the
experience of pain.
Oh, oh, really?
So getting their asses kicked by
the Republicans was some sort of
sick role-playing?
"Look, look, im begging you
baby, baby, baby, baby, im
begging you, dress up like Mitch
McConnell and obstruct me."
Jon: Oh!
( Laughter ) Wow!
Stephen: Its a scientific
study!
According to the studys author,
both parties are attracted to
what they consider taboo.
And that stems from a
psychological principle known as
"reactance," which stipulates
that when were told we cant do
something, we want to do it even
more.
If youd like to learn more
about reactance, you cant,
because I wont let you.
( Laughter )
You like that, baby?
You like that?
Of course, there are some sexual
kinks that transcend party.
For example, I saw this headline
the other day: "A professional
mermaid says unwanted advances
from merverts is the worst part
of the job."
Just like that, youve been made
aware of a new profession and
its very serious problems, and
the word mervert.
Apparently, professional
mermaids are costumed performers
who work at aquariums and
birthday parties.
And according to one of them:
"We do get unwanted attention,
often sexual in nature, and we
call those people merverts."
That is a shame, and I just want
to assure you, not all men are
merverts.
Some of us are complete
gentle-mern.
( Laughter )
But these merverts think its
okay to send mermaids creepy
messages like, "I love to watch
you swim " and, " youre
delicious, even without any
tartar sauce."
Audience: Ooooh!
Stephen: Ugh.
Ugh.
Tartar sauce...
Ive tolerated this injustice
for about 30 seconds, and im
not going to take it any longer.
Listen up, you merverts and
other seavients: Professional
mermaids dont exist to be
fetish objects in your sick,
ocean sex fantasy.
Professional mermaids exist to
provide an unrealistic body
image to young children and
young fish.
( Laughter )
And I dont want this mervert
problem... I dont want this
mervert problem to affect your
other
cherished human-sea creature
performers.
Im talking your womanatees,
your nar-maids, and your
feeels... thats a female eel.
( Laughter )
Some of those are made up.
( Laughter )
Meanwhile, back on dry land, a
Florida mayor is accused of
soliciting sex from a
constituent in exchange for
speed bumps.
This type of corruption is often
referred to as "pay to play,"
but lets just call this one
"humps for bumps."
- ( Laughter ) (
- Applause )
I struck a nerve.
That really struck a nerve.
The story is speaking to people.
According to Florida resident
Catherine padilla, she was
propositioned by mayor of
lanterna and man suggesting his
jacuzzi at a weird time, David
Stewart.
And padilla suspects shes not
the only one who the mayor
offered sex in exchange for
speed bumps.
She said, "if theres anybody
out there that has had this
happen to them out there, please
come forward now, because its
not too late."
Hmm.
I suggest interviewing anyone
who lives on this street.
( Laughter )
All of that... is that a real
street?
Is that a real street?
I dont know.
Could be.
But thats small-town politics.
Im focused on the big vote that
will re-shape americas
political landscape: The
Arizona election for state
mining inspector.
Its a hot race between
republican Joe hart and democrat
bill Pierce.
And if they look like perfectly
normal candidates, thats
because these are just stock
photos of politicians.
Heres the real Joe hart and
bill Pierce.
Now, theres a lot going on in
these two pictures, but were
going to go with emergency room
triage rules and start with the
guy whos bleeding from his
face.
Thats harts mug shot after a
2017 arrest following a fight
that took place between the
73-year-old hart and his
59-year-old nephew.
Now, I know that sounds bad, but
fighting your nephew is a long
Arizona tradition.
Its actually the Arizona state
motto.
And how did ol nephew-strangler
here get into the mine
inspecting field?
According to him, "I knew how to
push an ore car by the time I
was seven years old.
My dad thought if yous old
enough to eat solid food, yous
old enough to work in the mine."
Also, "yous old enough to fight
an uncle!"
"Come on!
Im a toddler!
But im tall enough to punch you
in the gem stones!
Lets do this!"
Now, harts opponent is bill
Pierce, who, remember, looks
like Johnny cash had a baby with
father time.
And what are his credentials?
Well, according to Pierce, a
fire broke out at the cotton gin
he was working at, and he had to
fight the fire himself, during
which, he fell backwards into a
seed pit, cracking his head open
and breaking more than a dozen
bones on the left side of his
body.
"They called my wife and told
her I was dead.
Turns out, I wasnt dead, so
they pulled me out of there.
I learned the hard way that a
safe work environment has to be
a priority, so thats why I am
running."
Im sorry, is he...
(
applause )
Im sorry, is he running in 2018
or 1820?
We have a great show for you
tonight.
Billy eichner is here!
But when we come back, I have an
exclusive interview with the
president of the United States.
♪ ♪
( Band playing ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Jon batiste and
stay human.
Give it up for the band!
Theres the band right over
there.
Happy Friday, Jon!
Happy Friday.
Jon: Happy Friday to you,
too.
Stephen: Good to see you,
man.
Theres nothing like a Friday
audience.
Jon: These people are lit.
Stephen: Ill tell you
what.
You got me excited for the
weekend.
Im going to go out and order
some of these.
This is "whose boat is this
boat?."
This is the... this thing right
here.
Jon: Thats right, thats
right.
Stephen: This is
available... this is available...
Number one book on Amazon right
now?
Who do we knock off?
We knocked off the work.
Y donkey.
And Carlson tuckers book, "ship
of fools."
Tucker Carlson is giving his
money to charity as well as we
are.
Jon: Which charity.
Stephen: I dont know what
charity Tucker is giving all of
thez proceeds to.
If you out there know, go ahead
and tweet it at us so I can
help.
Because I want to help donate to
whatever charity Tucker is
giving all of the money from his
book.
Jon: Its a good thing to
do.
Stephen: Thats what were
doing.
Victims of hurricane Michael,
hurricane Florence.
Everybody in those states,
please get out and vote.
So important, okay.
( Applause )
And all of the states, all of
the states.
Folks, the midterms are just
days away, and President Trump
has been pulling out all the
stops to rile up his supporters.
Hes stoking fears about the
migrant caravan, ordering troops
to the border, threatening trans
rights, promising a tax cut he
cant deliver, and even trying
to end birthright citizenship.
He hasnt thrown out this much
red meat since all of Trump
steaks started going bad.
Hes also appearing at g.O.P.
Campaign rallies to show support
for his favorite candidate:
Donald Trump.
Im not on the ballot, but
in a certain way, I am on the
ballot.
Im not on the ticket, but I am
on the ticket.
Youre voting for me in 2018.
Really a vote for me.
A vote for me.
A vote for me.
Think of it as the same thing
as me.
I want you to vote... pretend im
on the ballot.
Stephen: "Just pretend its
someone else."
The same advice he gave stormy
Daniels.
Jon: Ooooh!
Stephen: But while Trump is
publicly stumping for g.O.P.
Candidates, privately hes
distancing himself from a
potential republican thumping on
election day, telling
confidants that he doesnt see
the midterms as a referendum on
himself.
Its like he does with
everything: If its a success,
he takes credit.
If its a failure, he names it
Eric.
So how does he think... how does
he think his campaign strategy
is working for the g.O.P.?
Well, here to tell us himself in
an exclusive interview is the
president of the United States
and star of "our cartoon
president," president Donald
Trump.
Thank you so much for joining
us.
Thank you.
Big fans here, Mr. President.
Thank you for joining us, Mr.
president.
Thanks for having me,
Stephen.
We gotta make this quick.
In just a few minutes, the
caravan of Guatemalans from the
middle east will be here to turn
your babies transgender.
Stephen: Come on.
Youre clearly just playing on
peoples fears.
Fake news, Stephen.
The lying media doesnt cover
the good things im doing, like
the tremendous tax cut im going
to give to middle-class people
on election day.
Your refund will be delivered to
your door sometime between
8:00 A.M. and midnight.
Gotta be home to get it.
Stephen: Dont, dont...
Hes lying.
Mr. President, what are you
hoping to achieve next week?
Were not just gonna win the
senate.
Were gonna win the house, the
British parliament, the world
series, westminster kennel
clubs "best in breed," and im
going to be americas next top
model.
You gotta smile with your eyes,
Stephen.
Its called smize.
Yeah.
Eh?
Stephen: Its... its
lovely.
So youre saying no blue wave?
Blue wave?
Its going to be a red wave.
You see that?
I changed the colors of the
words, and now you look stupid.
Stephen: Why are you so
confident Republicans will win?
Because theyre not voting
for Republicans.
Theyre voting for me.
The whole ballot is basically
me.
I mean, its white, its
confusing, and you only see it
in a gymnasium once every two
years.
Stephen: Okay, that means if
the Republicans lose, then so do
you.
What?!
Im not on the ballot.
This has nothing to do with me.
If it was up to me, we wouldnt
even have elections.
Wed just give the nuke codes to
the guy with the most aggressive
handshake.
Which reminds me, this Sunday,
you gotta watch the "our cartoon
president" election special on
showtime!
Its gonna be like the midterms:
All about me.
Stephen: As long as were
plugging here, I actually have
my own election special.
"The late show" is live on
Tuesday.
Dont care.
Unless it kills in the ratings,
in which case, I made that one,
too!
Stephen: Cartoon Trump,
everybody!
Well be right back with Billy
eichner.
( Band playing ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to the show!
You know my first guest as the
creator of "Billy on the street"
and one of the stars of
"American horror story."
Please welcome Billy eichner!
♪ ♪ (
applause )
Hey, guys!
Stephen: Hi, nice to see
you.
Hi!
I almost crushed you on my way
out.
Stephen: A little bit.
I loved your enthusiasm, though.
Im so excited to be here!
( Cheers and applause ).
Stephen: I like your... I
like your suit and shirt
combination.
Its very fall.
Its very pumpkin spice.
Im not that basic, thank
you, Stephen.
Its called "mustard," thank you
very much.
Stephen: Okay, my
apologies, my apologies.
Good to see you again.
Im so happy to be here.
Stephen: And im very
excited that "Billy on the
street" is coming back.
Its back!
"Billy on the street" is back!
Stephen: Its been... how
long were you off the air?
We did five sea breeze on TV.
You were in our very last
episode on TV.
Maybe you ended it.
Maybe thats why... no, no, no.
I ended it.
Iened it about a year and a half
ago.
But I wanted to bring it back in
a way that allowed me to do
other things... "American horror
story" and other things like
that.
So were now doing "Billy on the
street" segments for the
Internet.
Everyone like the Internet?
( Applause ).
Stephen: Im familiar... im
familiar with the Internet.
We do YouTube segments.
We do it with lyft, the
ride-sharing app.
Theyve been fantastic.
I thought the world is so quiet
right now, not much going on, so
I wanted to add noise to the
conversation.
I missed shouting people on the
streets so im back.
We have videos with Emma stone.
One we just released with
Tiffany haddish...
Stephen: I think we have a
clip of you and Tiffany haddish.
What are you doing.
I think I need to set this
up.
Halloween was this week and
theres the classic holiday
movie "hocus-pocus," and im a
gay man, Tiffany, obviously, a
black woman.
We decided we wanted to do a
more diverse, inclusive remake
of "hocus-pocus.
I would be a gay man witch, and
she would be...
Stephen: A man witch.
A gay man witch.
Stephen: Sure, a sandwich
is a sandwich, but a man witch
is a meal.
( Applause ).
It... it depends how much meat
youre talking about Stephen.
But...
( Laughter )
Anyway, so, and Tiffanys,
obviously, a black woman.
So we hit the street to find
whos going to be the third
witch to round out our
more-diverse cast.
Sir, its Tiffany haddish.
How are you.
Were going to make a more
diverse "hocus-pocus."
Are.
Were doing hocus-pocus with
Tiffany haddish.
Where are you from.
China.
ID love a Chinese witch.
Me, too.
Are you straight or gay?
Im a lesbian.
Yes!
Yes!
Chinese lesbian witch!
Crazy witch Asian!
Yes, so...
>> Stephen: It has a happy
ending.
There is a happy ending.
And, actually... I loved those
ladies.
So I call them "crazy witch
asians."
And then... and then... and then
the actual director of "crazy
rich asians" John chu, found the
exproo tweeted at me, hashtag
crazy witch Asian.
So this might happen now.
Stephen: Outside of your
work, Billy, outside of your
work, how are you?
Like, how are you in your life
right now?
Im good.
I... heres how im really
feeling, Stephen.
I am so ready to vote.
I...
>> Stephen: Right.
Have never... I...
>> Stephen: Its building up,
isnt it?
Because the hours are now
counting down Stephen.
Stephen: This is Friday
night, Saturday, Sunday,
Monday... four days.
Almost election day.
I have never been more ready to
vote.
I am going to, like, explode.
I am, like, horny, but to vote.
Like, literally.
( Laughter )
I just... I want to get in a
room... im not kid ago and I
want to vote my brains out,
Stephen!
Stephen: Pull that little
curtain.
Pull that little curtain.
I want to vote and vote and
vote with you until I dont have
a drop left to vote with.
And I want to get up in the
morning and I want to vote
again, Stephen!
( Laughter )
I am telling you...
Stephen: Are you an early
voter?
I vote...
(
laughter )
( Applause )
>> Stephen, I once voted six
times in one day!
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Wow!
Yes, I will vote morning,
noon, and night.
And, Stephen, I want to vote so
hard this year.
And I want to make it so blue.
I want it to be so blue.
( Cheers and applause )
It... it... it cant... I want our
next senator to be smurfet.
Thats how plu I want it to be.
Stephen: Youve got blue
balance is what youve got right
now.
Exactly.
Only a blue wave can cure blue
(Bleep), Stephen.
Stephen: You said you want
to glam up the midterms.
Yes.
Stephen: I understand you
want to vote.
How do you glam up the midterms.
I started a campaign with
funny or die, producing "Billy
on the street" with me for
years, called "glam up the
midterms."
I have been in Phoenix, Vegas,
Houston with Gabby gifford, and
march for our lives, all with
one goal in mind: I want lady
gaga to win an Oscar.
Stephen: So youre serious.
I have been talking to young
voters.
Election day is coming up.
I saw only 12% of millennials
voted in the last midterm
election.
We need that number to be
higher.
Its a staggeringly low figure.
Heres the thing... millennials
get a lot of crap, but, also, no
young generation has done more
community service and
volunteered more than
millennials do.
Its not that they dont care
about the world.
Its that they dont think you
can effect change through
voting.
And what ive been telling them
is ive seen you guys out at the
womens march.
Ive seen you at march for our
lives.
You saw you at town halls saving
your health care and your
parents health care and your
grandparents health care.
We need to take that energy and
march for our lives to the
voting booth.
Because none of it mattered...
None of it mattered if you dont
go and vote for people that feel
the way do you.
Stephen: Neem that
generation may not know they are
right now the single largest
group of voters in united
states.
It used to be the baby boomers.
Now the millennial generation is
actually larger than the baby
boomer generation.
So they can make all the
difference in the world.
They can.
They could be the most
influential voting bloc.
But youre not the most
influential voting bloc if you
dont actually go vote.
Stephen: This is true, this
is true.
"American horror story,"
obviously, is... what season is
this for you?
This is season... my second
season and its season eight.
This is apocalypse.
Stephen: Apocklism, okay.
The director, Ryan Murphy, I
have a question: Do you think
he likes you or do you, he hates
you?
Because this is one of your two
characters.
Yes, thats me.
Stephen: He has you doing.
Thats me on "American horror
story."
I play two different characters
this season.
This is Brock after a nuclear
attack.
And when I...
>> Stephen: Spoiler alert...
Theres a nuclear attack.
Yes, well, it is called
"apocalypse."
Thanks for watching the show.
Were on episode 8, Stephen.
( Laughter )
>> Stephen: Im sorry, is that
on CBS?
No, youre thinking of
"Murphy brown."
I dont know what that means.
But, yes, im playing this
character Brock.
This is him after a nuclear
attack, and when I first looked
in the mirror and I thought oh,
my god I am so old and wrinkly
and white I could be a senator.
I look like... I literally look
like Chuck grassley.
I mean, this is why we need
younger, fresher voic voices in
congress, Stephen.
Stephen: So this is one of
the two.
Youd think oh, surely the other
one would be a more attractive
character.
I would think that.
Stephen: There gu.
( Laughter ).
Yes... so...
>> Stephen: Are you playing a
mediemed surf.
I play a nuclear scientist
who designs robots.
This character appeared this
week.
Im wearing a crazy wig.
Heres the funny part of it.
Im wearing a wig but no makeup.
The rest of it is me.
Theres another actor on the
show who I love dearly so I
wont say who it is...
>> Stephen: Who is it?
I cant tell you.
I walked on the set and they saw
me in the wig and we laughed
about the wig and how weird it
looked, and they said, "are you
wearing a fake nose?
Is that a prosthetic nose?"
And said, "no, its not.
Thats my nose!"
And then we laughed and laughed.
( Laughter )
>> Stephen: I can beat that.
How you can beat that?
Stephen: I can beat that.
Do you remember the show "strgs
with candy?"
Of course,.
Stephen: We shot the pilot
and then were going to shoot the
very first episode.
When we were shooting the first
episode, I believe it was the
script supervisor, and I was
about to go on stage... I was
about to go on.
I was about to walk on to shoot
my first scene and the script
supervisor comes up behind me
and goes, "oh, my god.
That is hilarious.
I didnt know you were going to
wear a fake ass."
And I same, "im not wearing a
fake ass."
And she quit.
( Laughter )
>> And her name was Tina fey!
And look at her.
Now.
Stephen: Well, Billy.
Thank you.
Stephen: Always a pleasure.
Thank you for having me.
Stephen: Help him glam up the
midterms by voting on Tuesday!
Billy eichner, everybody!
Well be right back with Itzhak
perlman.
( Cheers and applause )
>> Stephen: Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome back to "the
late show."
Folks, my next guest is a grammy
and Emmy award-winning violinist
who performed at age 13 on this
very stage 60 years ago tonight.
Please welcome, Itzhak perlman
maestro.
Maestro, good to see you.
( Applause )
Nice to see you again.
Nice to be here.
( Cheers and applause )
>> Stephen: All right, so
tonight, tonight is the 60th
anniversary of your appearance
on the "ed Sullivan show" in
1958.
What... what did that performance
mean to you at age 13?
It was very exciting.
I remember the orchestra was
sitting right there.
And I was doing the mendelson
violin concerto with two cellos,
two fiddles and a bunch of
winds.
And im telling you it was okay.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Your performance
was okay?
Well, I think I played all
right.
But what did I know?
I was 13.
I didnt know.
Stephen: Well why dont
we... why dont we find out.
We have a clip here.
Oh!
Stephen: This is from that
night 60 years ago.
Jim.
This little boy here is
iztkah perlman.
Hes a violin vitueoseo of great
merit.
And im going to have him play
for you, as he played for us in
Israel.
All of our great... well, you
hear him.
Itzhak.
( Cheers and applause )
>> Stephen: Okay?
Shows what practice does.
Stephen: Exactly.
Did you have any notes for the
kids?
What?
Stephen: Any boy, anything
you would tell him to change?
Oh, him.
I have to talk to him about
this.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: You are known for
your joy, your personal joy,
your joy in your performance,
but also you embody a great
sense of joy.
How do you maintain your joy I
in... in these turb leapt times
that are so... so divisive and
are dark for so many people?
Well, its very difficult.
Its very difficult.
Especially in the incident in
Pittsburgh, you know, with the
horrible massacre at tree of
life synagogue.
And all you have to do is you
have to remember and you have to
hope because anti-semitism is
here.
And we shouldnt think about it
as something that happened in
the past.
Its here.
And, you know, we have to get
together and support each other.
And music is just something that
helps heal.
Thats all I have to do.
I mean, its tough... times are
tough.
But we have music at least.
( Applause ).
Stephen: What are you
playing for us tonight?
Tonight ill play a little
piece by vinyovski, Polish
violinist, something fast.
And then were going to do
something slow.
Its a piece by gershwin.
Stephen: "Someone to watch
over me"?
I hope so.
Stephen: I hope so, too.
Well be back with a performance
by iztkah perlman and Jon
baptiste.
Stick around.
Stephen: Celebrating the
60th anniversary of his
appearance in the ed Sullivan
theater, now performing a medley
of "caprice in a minor" and
"someone to watch over me," with
Jon batiste, ladies and
gentlemen, iztkah perlman.
( Applause )
(Cheers and applause
)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(Cheers and applause
)
♪ ♪
(Cheers and applause
)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪ (Cheers and applause
)
♪ ♪ (Cheers and applause
)
Thank you, Itzhak, thank you!
The documentary " Itzhak" is
available online now.
Iztkah perlman, everybody!
Stephen: Thats it for "the
late show," everybody.
Join me next week for our live
election show!
Good night!
Captioning sponsored by CBS
captioned by
Im Jeremy farblah, a life-long
Georgia resident.
I want you to know that this
November 6, we all need to
exercise our right to vote.
And I will, as soon as a famous
person shows up at my door.
But it doesnt have to be an
a-lister.
Ill take any celebrity...
Goose from "top gun,"
"stranger things" kid,
flo from those progressive
commercials.
So, this November 6, get out and
come to my house if youre a
celebrity!
Also, dont park in the
driveway.
Im having French drains put in.
Paid for by the committee for
Jeremy farblah to meet a
celebrity.
Oh, gotta go.
I think Kevin James is here.
Ah, never mind.
Its just the u.P.S. Guy.
Oh, wait, it is Kevin James.
Its "the late show with
Stephen Colbert."
Tonight, only the good vote
young.
Plus, Stephen welcomes
Billy eichner.
And iztkah perlman.
Featuring Jon batiste and stay
human.
And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York
city, its Stephen Colbert!
( Cheers and applause )
>> Stephen: Woooo!
Lets do it!
( Cheers and applause ).
Stephen: Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Whats going on?
Lets do another.
You want to do another.
Audience: Stephen!
Stephen!
Stephen!
Stephen.
Stephen: What?
What?
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
( Cheers and applause )
Please have a seat, everybody.
Welcome to "the late show."
Im your host, Stephen Colbert.
Its Friday.
Its Friday.
( Cheers and applause )
Weve earned it.
Weve earned it.
And the midterm elections are
just four days away.
Theres so much excitement, even
Republicans in Georgia cant
suppress it.
And on Tuesday, Tuesday, this
"late show" right here will be
live from the ed Sullivan
theater.
- Of course... (
- Cheers and applause )
Big night.
Big night.
Jon: Were going to be
right up here live!
Stephen: Of course, the
electorate has changed some
since last we voted.
Because in this election,
millennials will pass baby
boomers as the largest
voter-eligible age group.
Yes!
( Cheers and applause ) Boom!
Jon: Thats right.
Stephen: The torch has been
passed to millennials, who
immediately dropped it because
its way easier just to use the
flashlight on your phone.
And the younglings are paying
attention to the midterms.
According to a new Harvard
study, "young people could vote
next week in numbers not seen in
more than 30 years."
( Cheers and applause )
I hope so.
Jon: I want to see that.
Stephen: I hope so.
Jon: I want to see that.
Stephen: Do it.
30 years!
It could be the highest turnout
since the late 80s, when young
people came out in force for the
presidential ticket of
madonna/beetlejuice 88.
And the early voting numbers
back it up.
Compared to the last midterms in
2014, 18- to 29-year-old turnout
is five times higher in Texas,
five times higher in Nevada,
four times higher in Georgia,
and three times higher in
Arizona.
( Cheers and applause )
Thats right!
Three times higher in Arizona.
This year, all three people who
are under 30 in Arizona voted.
Good are you!
Jon: Yeah.
Please, please, wear sunscreen
because that old lady on the
bench is 26.
And universities are doing their
part, too.
The schools of the big ten have
announced the big-ten voting
challenge to see which school
has the highest eligible voter
turnout.
Now, im a proud big-ten alum.
And I want all my fellow
Northwestern wildcats to get out
there and vote and win this
thing.
But given the swing states this
year, im also okay if Ohio
state or Wisconsin just crush
us.
- But still, some young people... (
- Applause )
Some young...
But still, some young people
arent planning to vote.
And "New York" magazine asked 12
disengaged millenials why.
Some of the reasons are, well,
reasonable, like:
"Its incredibly difficult for
hourly workers to vote."
"Its such a tedious process to
even get registered."
And, "growing up, going to
catholic school, everything we
learned had a skew on it.
I think that shaped me to hate
politics."
Now, as a catholic, it pains me
to hear that.
Our religion isnt about
teaching you to hate politics.
Its about teaching you to hate
yourself.
( Laughter ) (
applause )
Why did I... why did I say that?
Now the baby Jesus is crying.
( Laughter )
But there are dumb reasons, too,
like this young man from Texas
who said, "I tried to register
for the 2016 election, but it
was beyond the deadline by the
time I tried to do it.
I hate mailing stuff.
It gives me anxiety."
( Laughter )
Spoken like a true patriot.
As Patrick Henry once said,
"give me Liberty or give me
Xanax.
I gotta go to the post office."
( Laughter ) Then
then theres this confusing
logic from a non-voter in Ohio:
"My friend gave me the prince,
by machiavelli.
I got into hellenism.
I read Cicero, livy.
Later on, I got into Voltaire.
I never felt certain enough to
vote."
( Laughter )
Academic theory is fun, but its
no excuse for inaction.
Thats why I cant pay my bills
with a check that just says,
"money is a construct!"
(
laughter )
Now, this election has been very
divisive.
I think we all know that.
But most of us believe that deep
down, we all have the same hopes
and dreams.
And we are wrong.
Because a new survey says
Republicans and democrats dont
just disagree about politics.
They have different sexual
fantasies.
You can trust the survey,
because they took their time.
I mean, the voters were
repeatedly polled.
( Laughter )
Apparently, Republicans were
more likely to fantasize about
things like infidelity, orgies,
and partner swapping, from
70s-style "key parties" to
modern-day forms of swinging.
Thats right, Republicans are
the party of family values.
And theyd really value a chance
to party with your family.
( Laughter ) But thats not all!
( Applause )
Some very, very open-minded
people here tonight.
But thats not all.
Republicans also reported more
fantasies with voyeuristic
themes, including visiting strip
clubs.
How uptight do you have to be
that visiting a strip club is
your fantasy?
( Laughter ) "A strip club?
Theres no way you could
randomly be in a room that also
has a naked lady.
But once a year, on my birthday,
I do drive past one."
Things are a little different on
the other side of the aisle,
democrats were more likely to
fantasize about b.D.S.M.
Activities, particularly
masochism, which involves
deriving pleasure from the
experience of pain.
Oh, oh, really?
So getting their asses kicked by
the Republicans was some sort of
sick role-playing?
"Look, look, im begging you
baby, baby, baby, baby, im
begging you, dress up like Mitch
McConnell and obstruct me."
Jon: Oh!
( Laughter ) Wow!
Stephen: Its a scientific
study!
According to the studys author,
both parties are attracted to
what they consider taboo.
And that stems from a
psychological principle known as
"reactance," which stipulates
that when were told we cant do
something, we want to do it even
more.
If youd like to learn more
about reactance, you cant,
because I wont let you.
( Laughter )
You like that, baby?
You like that?
Of course, there are some sexual
kinks that transcend party.
For example, I saw this headline
the other day: "A professional
mermaid says unwanted advances
from merverts is the worst part
of the job."
Just like that, youve been made
aware of a new profession and
its very serious problems, and
the word mervert.
Apparently, professional
mermaids are costumed performers
who work at aquariums and
birthday parties.
And according to one of them:
"We do get unwanted attention,
often sexual in nature, and we
call those people merverts."
That is a shame, and I just want
to assure you, not all men are
merverts.
Some of us are complete
gentle-mern.
( Laughter )
But these merverts think its
okay to send mermaids creepy
messages like, "I love to watch
you swim " and, " youre
delicious, even without any
tartar sauce."
Audience: Ooooh!
Stephen: Ugh.
Ugh.
Tartar sauce...
Ive tolerated this injustice
for about 30 seconds, and im
not going to take it any longer.
Listen up, you merverts and
other seavients: Professional
mermaids dont exist to be
fetish objects in your sick,
ocean sex fantasy.
Professional mermaids exist to
provide an unrealistic body
image to young children and
young fish.
( Laughter )
And I dont want this mervert
problem... I dont want this
mervert problem to affect your
other
cherished human-sea creature
performers.
Im talking your womanatees,
your nar-maids, and your
feeels... thats a female eel.
( Laughter )
Some of those are made up.
( Laughter )
Meanwhile, back on dry land, a
Florida mayor is accused of
soliciting sex from a
constituent in exchange for
speed bumps.
This type of corruption is often
referred to as "pay to play,"
but lets just call this one
"humps for bumps."
- ( Laughter ) (
- Applause )
I struck a nerve.
That really struck a nerve.
The story is speaking to people.
According to Florida resident
Catherine padilla, she was
propositioned by mayor of
lanterna and man suggesting his
jacuzzi at a weird time, David
Stewart.
And padilla suspects shes not
the only one who the mayor
offered sex in exchange for
speed bumps.
She said, "if theres anybody
out there that has had this
happen to them out there, please
come forward now, because its
not too late."
Hmm.
I suggest interviewing anyone
who lives on this street.
( Laughter )
All of that... is that a real
street?
Is that a real street?
I dont know.
Could be.
But thats small-town politics.
Im focused on the big vote that
will re-shape americas
political landscape: The
Arizona election for state
mining inspector.
Its a hot race between
republican Joe hart and democrat
bill Pierce.
And if they look like perfectly
normal candidates, thats
because these are just stock
photos of politicians.
Heres the real Joe hart and
bill Pierce.
Now, theres a lot going on in
these two pictures, but were
going to go with emergency room
triage rules and start with the
guy whos bleeding from his
face.
Thats harts mug shot after a
2017 arrest following a fight
that took place between the
73-year-old hart and his
59-year-old nephew.
Now, I know that sounds bad, but
fighting your nephew is a long
Arizona tradition.
Its actually the Arizona state
motto.
And how did ol nephew-strangler
here get into the mine
inspecting field?
According to him, "I knew how to
push an ore car by the time I
was seven years old.
My dad thought if yous old
enough to eat solid food, yous
old enough to work in the mine."
Also, "yous old enough to fight
an uncle!"
"Come on!
Im a toddler!
But im tall enough to punch you
in the gem stones!
Lets do this!"
Now, harts opponent is bill
Pierce, who, remember, looks
like Johnny cash had a baby with
father time.
And what are his credentials?
Well, according to Pierce, a
fire broke out at the cotton gin
he was working at, and he had to
fight the fire himself, during
which, he fell backwards into a
seed pit, cracking his head open
and breaking more than a dozen
bones on the left side of his
body.
"They called my wife and told
her I was dead.
Turns out, I wasnt dead, so
they pulled me out of there.
I learned the hard way that a
safe work environment has to be
a priority, so thats why I am
running."
Im sorry, is he...
(
applause )
Im sorry, is he running in 2018
or 1820?
We have a great show for you
tonight.
Billy eichner is here!
But when we come back, I have an
exclusive interview with the
president of the United States.
♪ ♪
( Band playing ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Jon batiste and
stay human.
Give it up for the band!
Theres the band right over
there.
Happy Friday, Jon!
Happy Friday.
Jon: Happy Friday to you,
too.
Stephen: Good to see you,
man.
Theres nothing like a Friday
audience.
Jon: These people are lit.
Stephen: Ill tell you
what.
You got me excited for the
weekend.
Im going to go out and order
some of these.
This is "whose boat is this
boat?."
This is the... this thing right
here.
Jon: Thats right, thats
right.
Stephen: This is
available... this is available...
Number one book on Amazon right
now?
Who do we knock off?
We knocked off the work.
Y donkey.
And Carlson tuckers book, "ship
of fools."
Tucker Carlson is giving his
money to charity as well as we
are.
Jon: Which charity.
Stephen: I dont know what
charity Tucker is giving all of
thez proceeds to.
If you out there know, go ahead
and tweet it at us so I can
help.
Because I want to help donate to
whatever charity Tucker is
giving all of the money from his
book.
Jon: Its a good thing to
do.
Stephen: Thats what were
doing.
Victims of hurricane Michael,
hurricane Florence.
Everybody in those states,
please get out and vote.
So important, okay.
( Applause )
And all of the states, all of
the states.
Folks, the midterms are just
days away, and President Trump
has been pulling out all the
stops to rile up his supporters.
Hes stoking fears about the
migrant caravan, ordering troops
to the border, threatening trans
rights, promising a tax cut he
cant deliver, and even trying
to end birthright citizenship.
He hasnt thrown out this much
red meat since all of Trump
steaks started going bad.
Hes also appearing at g.O.P.
Campaign rallies to show support
for his favorite candidate:
Donald Trump.
Im not on the ballot, but
in a certain way, I am on the
ballot.
Im not on the ticket, but I am
on the ticket.
Youre voting for me in 2018.
Really a vote for me.
A vote for me.
A vote for me.
Think of it as the same thing
as me.
I want you to vote... pretend im
on the ballot.
Stephen: "Just pretend its
someone else."
The same advice he gave stormy
Daniels.
Jon: Ooooh!
Stephen: But while Trump is
publicly stumping for g.O.P.
Candidates, privately hes
distancing himself from a
potential republican thumping on
election day, telling
confidants that he doesnt see
the midterms as a referendum on
himself.
Its like he does with
everything: If its a success,
he takes credit.
If its a failure, he names it
Eric.
So how does he think... how does
he think his campaign strategy
is working for the g.O.P.?
Well, here to tell us himself in
an exclusive interview is the
president of the United States
and star of "our cartoon
president," president Donald
Trump.
Thank you so much for joining
us.
Thank you.
Big fans here, Mr. President.
Thank you for joining us, Mr.
president.
Thanks for having me,
Stephen.
We gotta make this quick.
In just a few minutes, the
caravan of Guatemalans from the
middle east will be here to turn
your babies transgender.
Stephen: Come on.
Youre clearly just playing on
peoples fears.
Fake news, Stephen.
The lying media doesnt cover
the good things im doing, like
the tremendous tax cut im going
to give to middle-class people
on election day.
Your refund will be delivered to
your door sometime between
8:00 A.M. and midnight.
Gotta be home to get it.
Stephen: Dont, dont...
Hes lying.
Mr. President, what are you
hoping to achieve next week?
Were not just gonna win the
senate.
Were gonna win the house, the
British parliament, the world
series, westminster kennel
clubs "best in breed," and im
going to be americas next top
model.
You gotta smile with your eyes,
Stephen.
Its called smize.
Yeah.
Eh?
Stephen: Its... its
lovely.
So youre saying no blue wave?
Blue wave?
Its going to be a red wave.
You see that?
I changed the colors of the
words, and now you look stupid.
Stephen: Why are you so
confident Republicans will win?
Because theyre not voting
for Republicans.
Theyre voting for me.
The whole ballot is basically
me.
I mean, its white, its
confusing, and you only see it
in a gymnasium once every two
years.
Stephen: Okay, that means if
the Republicans lose, then so do
you.
What?!
Im not on the ballot.
This has nothing to do with me.
If it was up to me, we wouldnt
even have elections.
Wed just give the nuke codes to
the guy with the most aggressive
handshake.
Which reminds me, this Sunday,
you gotta watch the "our cartoon
president" election special on
showtime!
Its gonna be like the midterms:
All about me.
Stephen: As long as were
plugging here, I actually have
my own election special.
"The late show" is live on
Tuesday.
Dont care.
Unless it kills in the ratings,
in which case, I made that one,
too!
Stephen: Cartoon Trump,
everybody!
Well be right back with Billy
eichner.
( Band playing ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to the show!
You know my first guest as the
creator of "Billy on the street"
and one of the stars of
"American horror story."
Please welcome Billy eichner!
♪ ♪ (
applause )
Hey, guys!
Stephen: Hi, nice to see
you.
Hi!
I almost crushed you on my way
out.
Stephen: A little bit.
I loved your enthusiasm, though.
Im so excited to be here!
( Cheers and applause ).
Stephen: I like your... I
like your suit and shirt
combination.
Its very fall.
Its very pumpkin spice.
Im not that basic, thank
you, Stephen.
Its called "mustard," thank you
very much.
Stephen: Okay, my
apologies, my apologies.
Good to see you again.
Im so happy to be here.
Stephen: And im very
excited that "Billy on the
street" is coming back.
Its back!
"Billy on the street" is back!
Stephen: Its been... how
long were you off the air?
We did five sea breeze on TV.
You were in our very last
episode on TV.
Maybe you ended it.
Maybe thats why... no, no, no.
I ended it.
Iened it about a year and a half
ago.
But I wanted to bring it back in
a way that allowed me to do
other things... "American horror
story" and other things like
that.
So were now doing "Billy on the
street" segments for the
Internet.
Everyone like the Internet?
( Applause ).
Stephen: Im familiar... im
familiar with the Internet.
We do YouTube segments.
We do it with lyft, the
ride-sharing app.
Theyve been fantastic.
I thought the world is so quiet
right now, not much going on, so
I wanted to add noise to the
conversation.
I missed shouting people on the
streets so im back.
We have videos with Emma stone.
One we just released with
Tiffany haddish...
Stephen: I think we have a
clip of you and Tiffany haddish.
What are you doing.
I think I need to set this
up.
Halloween was this week and
theres the classic holiday
movie "hocus-pocus," and im a
gay man, Tiffany, obviously, a
black woman.
We decided we wanted to do a
more diverse, inclusive remake
of "hocus-pocus.
I would be a gay man witch, and
she would be...
Stephen: A man witch.
A gay man witch.
Stephen: Sure, a sandwich
is a sandwich, but a man witch
is a meal.
( Applause ).
It... it depends how much meat
youre talking about Stephen.
But...
( Laughter )
Anyway, so, and Tiffanys,
obviously, a black woman.
So we hit the street to find
whos going to be the third
witch to round out our
more-diverse cast.
Sir, its Tiffany haddish.
How are you.
Were going to make a more
diverse "hocus-pocus."
Are.
Were doing hocus-pocus with
Tiffany haddish.
Where are you from.
China.
ID love a Chinese witch.
Me, too.
Are you straight or gay?
Im a lesbian.
Yes!
Yes!
Chinese lesbian witch!
Crazy witch Asian!
Yes, so...
>> Stephen: It has a happy
ending.
There is a happy ending.
And, actually... I loved those
ladies.
So I call them "crazy witch
asians."
And then... and then... and then
the actual director of "crazy
rich asians" John chu, found the
exproo tweeted at me, hashtag
crazy witch Asian.
So this might happen now.
Stephen: Outside of your
work, Billy, outside of your
work, how are you?
Like, how are you in your life
right now?
Im good.
I... heres how im really
feeling, Stephen.
I am so ready to vote.
I...
>> Stephen: Right.
Have never... I...
>> Stephen: Its building up,
isnt it?
Because the hours are now
counting down Stephen.
Stephen: This is Friday
night, Saturday, Sunday,
Monday... four days.
Almost election day.
I have never been more ready to
vote.
I am going to, like, explode.
I am, like, horny, but to vote.
Like, literally.
( Laughter )
I just... I want to get in a
room... im not kid ago and I
want to vote my brains out,
Stephen!
Stephen: Pull that little
curtain.
Pull that little curtain.
I want to vote and vote and
vote with you until I dont have
a drop left to vote with.
And I want to get up in the
morning and I want to vote
again, Stephen!
( Laughter )
I am telling you...
Stephen: Are you an early
voter?
I vote...
(
laughter )
( Applause )
>> Stephen, I once voted six
times in one day!
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Wow!
Yes, I will vote morning,
noon, and night.
And, Stephen, I want to vote so
hard this year.
And I want to make it so blue.
I want it to be so blue.
( Cheers and applause )
It... it... it cant... I want our
next senator to be smurfet.
Thats how plu I want it to be.
Stephen: Youve got blue
balance is what youve got right
now.
Exactly.
Only a blue wave can cure blue
(Bleep), Stephen.
Stephen: You said you want
to glam up the midterms.
Yes.
Stephen: I understand you
want to vote.
How do you glam up the midterms.
I started a campaign with
funny or die, producing "Billy
on the street" with me for
years, called "glam up the
midterms."
I have been in Phoenix, Vegas,
Houston with Gabby gifford, and
march for our lives, all with
one goal in mind: I want lady
gaga to win an Oscar.
Stephen: So youre serious.
I have been talking to young
voters.
Election day is coming up.
I saw only 12% of millennials
voted in the last midterm
election.
We need that number to be
higher.
Its a staggeringly low figure.
Heres the thing... millennials
get a lot of crap, but, also, no
young generation has done more
community service and
volunteered more than
millennials do.
Its not that they dont care
about the world.
Its that they dont think you
can effect change through
voting.
And what ive been telling them
is ive seen you guys out at the
womens march.
Ive seen you at march for our
lives.
You saw you at town halls saving
your health care and your
parents health care and your
grandparents health care.
We need to take that energy and
march for our lives to the
voting booth.
Because none of it mattered...
None of it mattered if you dont
go and vote for people that feel
the way do you.
Stephen: Neem that
generation may not know they are
right now the single largest
group of voters in united
states.
It used to be the baby boomers.
Now the millennial generation is
actually larger than the baby
boomer generation.
So they can make all the
difference in the world.
They can.
They could be the most
influential voting bloc.
But youre not the most
influential voting bloc if you
dont actually go vote.
Stephen: This is true, this
is true.
"American horror story,"
obviously, is... what season is
this for you?
This is season... my second
season and its season eight.
This is apocalypse.
Stephen: Apocklism, okay.
The director, Ryan Murphy, I
have a question: Do you think
he likes you or do you, he hates
you?
Because this is one of your two
characters.
Yes, thats me.
Stephen: He has you doing.
Thats me on "American horror
story."
I play two different characters
this season.
This is Brock after a nuclear
attack.
And when I...
>> Stephen: Spoiler alert...
Theres a nuclear attack.
Yes, well, it is called
"apocalypse."
Thanks for watching the show.
Were on episode 8, Stephen.
( Laughter )
>> Stephen: Im sorry, is that
on CBS?
No, youre thinking of
"Murphy brown."
I dont know what that means.
But, yes, im playing this
character Brock.
This is him after a nuclear
attack, and when I first looked
in the mirror and I thought oh,
my god I am so old and wrinkly
and white I could be a senator.
I look like... I literally look
like Chuck grassley.
I mean, this is why we need
younger, fresher voic voices in
congress, Stephen.
Stephen: So this is one of
the two.
Youd think oh, surely the other
one would be a more attractive
character.
I would think that.
Stephen: There gu.
( Laughter ).
Yes... so...
>> Stephen: Are you playing a
mediemed surf.
I play a nuclear scientist
who designs robots.
This character appeared this
week.
Im wearing a crazy wig.
Heres the funny part of it.
Im wearing a wig but no makeup.
The rest of it is me.
Theres another actor on the
show who I love dearly so I
wont say who it is...
>> Stephen: Who is it?
I cant tell you.
I walked on the set and they saw
me in the wig and we laughed
about the wig and how weird it
looked, and they said, "are you
wearing a fake nose?
Is that a prosthetic nose?"
And said, "no, its not.
Thats my nose!"
And then we laughed and laughed.
( Laughter )
>> Stephen: I can beat that.
How you can beat that?
Stephen: I can beat that.
Do you remember the show "strgs
with candy?"
Of course,.
Stephen: We shot the pilot
and then were going to shoot the
very first episode.
When we were shooting the first
episode, I believe it was the
script supervisor, and I was
about to go on stage... I was
about to go on.
I was about to walk on to shoot
my first scene and the script
supervisor comes up behind me
and goes, "oh, my god.
That is hilarious.
I didnt know you were going to
wear a fake ass."
And I same, "im not wearing a
fake ass."
And she quit.
( Laughter )
>> And her name was Tina fey!
And look at her.
Now.
Stephen: Well, Billy.
Thank you.
Stephen: Always a pleasure.
Thank you for having me.
Stephen: Help him glam up the
midterms by voting on Tuesday!
Billy eichner, everybody!
Well be right back with Itzhak
perlman.
( Cheers and applause )
>> Stephen: Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome back to "the
late show."
Folks, my next guest is a grammy
and Emmy award-winning violinist
who performed at age 13 on this
very stage 60 years ago tonight.
Please welcome, Itzhak perlman
maestro.
Maestro, good to see you.
( Applause )
Nice to see you again.
Nice to be here.
( Cheers and applause )
>> Stephen: All right, so
tonight, tonight is the 60th
anniversary of your appearance
on the "ed Sullivan show" in
1958.
What... what did that performance
mean to you at age 13?
It was very exciting.
I remember the orchestra was
sitting right there.
And I was doing the mendelson
violin concerto with two cellos,
two fiddles and a bunch of
winds.
And im telling you it was okay.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Your performance
was okay?
Well, I think I played all
right.
But what did I know?
I was 13.
I didnt know.
Stephen: Well why dont
we... why dont we find out.
We have a clip here.
Oh!
Stephen: This is from that
night 60 years ago.
Jim.
This little boy here is
iztkah perlman.
Hes a violin vitueoseo of great
merit.
And im going to have him play
for you, as he played for us in
Israel.
All of our great... well, you
hear him.
Itzhak.
( Cheers and applause )
>> Stephen: Okay?
Shows what practice does.
Stephen: Exactly.
Did you have any notes for the
kids?
What?
Stephen: Any boy, anything
you would tell him to change?
Oh, him.
I have to talk to him about
this.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: You are known for
your joy, your personal joy,
your joy in your performance,
but also you embody a great
sense of joy.
How do you maintain your joy I
in... in these turb leapt times
that are so... so divisive and
are dark for so many people?
Well, its very difficult.
Its very difficult.
Especially in the incident in
Pittsburgh, you know, with the
horrible massacre at tree of
life synagogue.
And all you have to do is you
have to remember and you have to
hope because anti-semitism is
here.
And we shouldnt think about it
as something that happened in
the past.
Its here.
And, you know, we have to get
together and support each other.
And music is just something that
helps heal.
Thats all I have to do.
I mean, its tough... times are
tough.
But we have music at least.
( Applause ).
Stephen: What are you
playing for us tonight?
Tonight ill play a little
piece by vinyovski, Polish
violinist, something fast.
And then were going to do
something slow.
Its a piece by gershwin.
Stephen: "Someone to watch
over me"?
I hope so.
Stephen: I hope so, too.
Well be back with a performance
by iztkah perlman and Jon
baptiste.
Stick around.
Stephen: Celebrating the
60th anniversary of his
appearance in the ed Sullivan
theater, now performing a medley
of "caprice in a minor" and
"someone to watch over me," with
Jon batiste, ladies and
gentlemen, iztkah perlman.
( Applause )
(Cheers and applause
)
♪ ♪
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(Cheers and applause
)
♪ ♪
(Cheers and applause
)
♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ (Cheers and applause
)
♪ ♪ (Cheers and applause
)
Thank you, Itzhak, thank you!
The documentary " Itzhak" is
available online now.
Iztkah perlman, everybody!
Stephen: Thats it for "the
late show," everybody.
Join me next week for our live
election show!
Good night!
Captioning sponsored by CBS
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