The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - Ellen Page/Jesse Eisenberg/Dominic Wilcox - full transcript
Ellen Page (Freeheld (2015)); Jesse Eisenberg (Louder Than Bombs (2015)); inventor/designer Dominic Wilcox.
British prime minister
Theresa may is facing a
political crisis over brexit.
We will leave the e.U. In a
smooth and orderly way on the 29
of march, 2019.
( Laughter )
Nothing short of political
chaos.
♪ ♪ (
gunshot )
007, we need you now more
than ever.
Whats the assignment, m?
International terrorism?
Rogue agent?
Stolen nuclear launch codes?
We need you to fix this
brexit thing!
Ahh... im sorry, what...
Whats happening?
You know, the brexit thing!
Utter chaos!
Secretaries resigned, cabinet
members have quit, there are
calls for a vote of no
confidence.
Its a bloody fiasco!
Yeah...
I quit.
What?
Youre on your own.
Moneypenny and I are going to
open up a quiznos franchise.
Bond, your country needs you!
Sorry, quiznos awaits.
Mmmm... toasty.
Its "the late show with
Stephen Colbert."
Tonight, new kids in the house.
Plus, Stephen welcomes
timothee chalamet
and comedian Graham Kay.
And a special appearance by
supreme court justice Sonia
sotomayor.
Featuring Jon batiste and stay
human.
And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York
city, its Stephen Colbert!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Wooo!
Come on!
Hey, come on!
Right over there!
Side arm.
Jon, oh, man, I need the warmth.
Its a little chilly.
( Applause )
Stephen: Thanks, everybody!
Sit down!
Sit dune!
Wow!
Come on!
This is an... this is an amazing
audience right here.
This is an incredible audience
right here.
You know why theyre so happy?
This audience is happy they
werent last nights audience
standing in that snow all night,
yeah.
Though that was a good audience,
too.
That was a good audience, too.
Welcome to "the late show,"
everybody.
Im your host, Stephen Colbert.
It is Friday!
Im your host, Stephen Colbert.
Man!
What a week.
Its a new reality.
Democrats are in control of th
house of representatives.
( Cheers and applause )
And this week, newly elected
representatives were in
Washington for congress
freshman orientation.
Its just like college freshman
orientation, only in congress,
the seniors are actual seniors.
( Laughter )
Now, as part of orientation,
congress put out a flier with
pictures of all the new faces
from both parties.
See if you can spot the
difference.
Heres the new democrats: A
diverse group, looking like a
cross-section of America.
( Cheers and applause )
And here are the Republicans:
Also diverse, a rainbow from
beige to eggshell.
( Laughter )
Now, no congressional freshman
out there seems to be enjoying
themselves as much as incoming
New York congresswoman and
reason youre cheering so loud
you cant hear what im saying,
Alexandria ocasio-Cortez.
Shes been posting Instagram
stories of her first experiences
in congress, including this one
where she says, "welcome to
Hogwarts."
( Laughter ) Shes right.
Shes nailed that.
Congress is like Hogwarts.
Just beware of the ancient
wizard mccoldemort.
Laugh meanwhile, meanwhile... im
not afraid to say his name.
Meanwhile, after the midterms,
Trump has mysteriously stopped
talking about what was once the
greatest threat to America, the
caravan!
♪ ♪
I came out... I came out pointing
the wrong way.
( Applause )
But theres one group that cant
forget about it: Its the 5,900
troops recently deployed to the
U.S.-Mexico border by president
Trump.
(As Trump):"
Wait, they really went?
Thats hilarious!
I was just (bleep) With you."
And the conditions for those
serving at the border are really
not great: Theres "little
electricity, no combat pay," and
the troops will be on the border
over Thanksgiving.
So trumps extended the family
separation to the troops.
This was obviously just a
political stunt for the
midterms.
Before the election, trumps
military deployment to the
border was called "operation
faithful patriot."
But recently, a Pentagon
spokesman said that "we are no
longer calling it operation
faithful patriot.
We are referring to it as
border support."
You cant drop the cool
nickname.
The next "fast and furious"
movie cant star Dwayne "the
guy" Johnson.
But on Wednesday... Wednesday?
On Wednesday, the troops
received a visit from defense
secretary and father-in-law
watching you mow his lawn,
James mattis.
( Laughter )
And on his way to the border,
mattis conceded that the mission
was a little vague.
At the present, I do not
anticipate military personnel
coming into direct contact with
migrants.
Stephen: Yeah, cause fun
fact: The vast majority of the
migrants are more than 1,000
miles away still.
The troops are down there for no
reason!
Its like if Paul revere went
through the streets shouting,
"the no one is coming!
The no one is coming!
Why am I yelling on my horse in
the middle of the night?
- Oh, god, I need mental help!" (
- Cheers and applause )
Meanwhile...
♪ ♪
- Meanwhile, in board game news (
- laughter )
Thats right.
There is some.
Monopoly is trying to win
younger players with a new
edition... and this is real...
Called "monopoly for
millennials," which they
market with the snarky tagline,
"forget real estate.
You cant afford it anyway."
- ( Laughter ) (
- Applause )
Jon: Wow!
Stephen: Wow!
That is cold.
Jon: Yeah, thats cold.
Stephen: Ice cold.
Come on, monopoly!
Games are where people go to
escape reality.
If we wanted realism in our
board games, wed have "your
insurance doesnt cover that
operation," and "clue 2018,"
where its obvious who committed
the crime, but somehow theyre
still president anyway.
In this version, the monopoly
man is taking a selfie while
listening to his earbuds,
drinking a latte, and wearing
cool shades, and a participation
ribbon.
Youre got to hand it to them.
That is a perfect portrait of an
entire generation of old people
who have no idea what
millennials are like.
( Laughter ) (
applause )
Jon: Now, youre talking.
( Cheers and applause )
Now youre talking.
♪ ♪
Stephen: I tell you, I did
not anticipate there being a
story after the Paul revere one,
because I am exhausted now.
And millennial monopoly really
doubles down on dissing the
youths.
Instead of collecting money,
players collect experience
points by visiting the hottest
destinations: From your
friends couch, to the vegan
bistro, to a week-long
meditation retreat."
Notice that millennial
monopolys list of fun
experiences does not include
"playing millennial monopoly."
( Laughter ) (
applause )
Millennial monopoly.
Millennial monopoly.
But I guess this lack of
understanding towards younger
generations shouldnt come as a
surprise, since this is the same
company that brought us... and
this is real... "Fortnite
monopoly."
Its all the fun of the video
game, minus all the fun of the
video game.
( Laughter )
Weve got a great show for you
tonight.
Timothee chalamet is here.
But when I return, ill argue my
case to none other than supreme
court justice Sonia sotomayor.
Stick around!
♪ ♪ (
applause )
( Band playing ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Jon batiste and
stay human, everybody!
Jon, happy Friday.
Jon: Happy Friday!
Were in the zone!
Stephen: Come on.
You can feel the Friday.
Jon: The Friday zone!
Stephen: Theres so much
Friday here theyre sponging up
the Friday here.
You know what im excited about
this weekend, Jon.
Im excited about the book
"whose boat is this boat?," that
were selling out there all
around the country for people
affected by the hurricanes in
north Carolina and Georgia.
Yesterday we found out number
one "New York times" bestsaler
right here.
Jon: Number one, thats
right.
Stephen: Number one
overall.
But they got us on this "advice,
how-to, and miscellaneous" list
right here.
And I think "miscellaneous,"
thats anything.
Miscellaneous could be anything.
Not only is it the number one
book, I think its the number
one electrical appliance right
now in America.
Because "miscellaneous" means
anything.
You cant take that back.
Thats "the New York times."
Or is "the New York times"
lying?
Thats what I want to know.
If were not the number one
appliance, thats fake news.
All right.
Somebody owes the president an
apology.
And it aint me.
Folks, the supreme court was in
the news last week again.
We learned that justice ginsburg
was recovering after a fall.
Shes back at work, and im not
surprised because I know her
strength.
Earlier this year, I worked out
with r.B.G.
So, I was delighted when another
supreme court justice, Sonia
sotomayor, agreed to sit down
with me.
( Applause ) Amazing.
Second or third time.
Ive talked with her before.
Shes amazing.
People love Sonia.
She has an inspiring life story
which she tells in two new
childrens books: "Turning
pages" and "the beloved world of
Sonia sotomayor."
And I recently sat down with
justice Sonia sotomayor.
In our nations capital.
Stephen: The supreme court
of the United States.
In just a moment, ill be
sitting down with justice Sonia
sotomayor, over there, at the
library of congress.
They wouldnt let me film in
there.
Im not entirely sure why.
But, thats nice, too.
Justice, thank you so much for
talking to me today.
Its so wonderful to see you
again, Stephen.
Stephen: Whats been going
on in the supreme court lately?
I havent heard much.
Anything... anything exciting
happening?
Just read the newspapers.
Stephen: But whats the hot
gossip?
Whos a diva over there?
We all are.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Congratulations on
not one but two new books.
Got them here.
"Whose boat is this boat?."
Im sorry...
That ones not mine.
Stephen: Thats not... no,
this is mine.
Im sorry.
I apologize.
Can we...
"Whose boat..."
I dont know why we have two
copies of this.
I apologize.
Sorry.
Stephen: "Turning pages."
Thats mine.
Stephen: What I like about
this is not only is it the name
of your book, but it also... its
an instruction on how to read a
book.
Well, its for kids four to
eight years old, so that helps,
doesnt it?
Stephen: I havent had a
chance to read the book yet,
but...
Stephen, it will take you ten
minutes.
Stephen: Lets go through it.
Okay.
Stephen: Its got fantastic
pictures.
What message do you want kids to
get from this book?
Well, my success in life has
happened because of words and
books.
Reading is what changed the
circumstances of my life around
and let me become a supreme
court justice.
And that is what the message of
this book is.
Stephen: Now this is a fairly
unrealistic drawing.
Yes.
Stephen: I believe you can
fly.
I dont.
Stephen: They must give you
some sort of superpowers when
you become a member of the
supreme court.
Not really.
Stephen: We dont know
anything you folks do in there.
Its all closed off.
Theres no cameras.
You can come visit.
Stephen: Its like a temple
in there.
You can come visit the
supreme court any time you want.
Stephen: And can we see what
you guys are doing back in the
chambers?
Well, no.
Stephen: We dont know whats
going on.
Its a secret society.
I dont know what youre
doing in your office.
Stephen: Oh, you can come
anytime you want.
But you can come, and if I
want to see you.
Stephen: Sure.
No, you can go to
stephencolbert. Org, and im
live-streaming my office at all
times.
Is that true?
Stephen: Hey, Jimmy, lets
cut to the live-stream right
now.
Hold on.
♪ You spin me right round, baby,
right round,
♪ like a record baby
Stephen: All right.
Have you ever committed a crime?
Ooooh.
Stephen: Steal a candy bar or
anything as a child?
No.
Stephen: No?
But I did take a quarter from
a telephone... a public
telephone...
Stephen: What?
In my life, yeah.
Stephen: A public telephone?
Uh-huh.
Stephen: Thats interstate
commerce, because thats long-
distance calls on those.
I know.
Thankfully...
Stephen: Thats a federal
crime.
You know, its only a quarter,
but little things lead to big
things.
Thats exactly right.
Stephen: Thats a gateway
crime.
Thankfully, the statute of
limitations has passed.
Stephen: Hold on one second.
Lets get a lawyer on that,
please.
Probably most citizens at
some point in their life who
drive have gone over the speed
limit.
Stephen: I have not.
Thats a crime, too.
Stephen: I have never.
Youve never gone... Stephen?
Stephen: Ive never gone...
Youre catholic, arent you?
Yes, im a catholic.
Dominus vobiscum.
Uh-huh, and you know youre
not supposed to lie.
Stephen: I... I do.
I... I know im not supposed
to lie.
Tell me that youve never
gone over the speed limit.
Stephen: I would like to
invoke my fifth amendment right
against self-incrimination.
( Laughter )
Now, you have another book.
You have another book...
I have.
Stephen:... for slightly older
children.
Middle school children.
Stephen: Its called "the
beloved world of Sonia
sotomayor."
Its a nice title.
Could I improve it slightly
for you?
Go ahead.
Stephen: "The world of the
beloved Sonia sotomayor."
Oh, thats very sweet of you,
Stephen.
Stephen: You seem nice.
Im sorry you have to live in
Washington.
You write that when you were a
child, you used books to escape
sadness.
Uh-huh.
Stephen: What do you use to
escape sadness as an adult?
I love playing poker, so I
play...
Stephen: Really?
Poker with friends.
Stephen: And do you ever play
for just, like, small stakes, or
anything like that?
Just a little family...
Pretty much almost always
small stakes.
Stephen: Small stakes.
Its still illegal to
gamble for small stakes, just...
No, because I provide...
Stephen: Its not illegal in
D.C.?
I provide the food.
The players around my table are
just paying for their own food.
Stephen: That is legalese if
I ever heard it.
Come on, thats never going to
hold up in a court.
Why not?
Stephen: Get a lawyer in
here.
Why not?
Stephen: Youre... youre
running... youre running a
gambling den.
Absolutely not.
Stephen: How do we know that
youre in charge?
ID like to see some receipts,
please.
Oh, thats easy for me to
give you.
Stephen: Okay, stealing
quarters to feed your gambling
problem.
All right, okay.
You spend a lot of your day
making big calls, all right?
Theres no bigger calls than
deciding what the constitution
will allow.
ID like you to use your
judicial acumen right now to
make some very quick, very small
calls.
Okay.
Stephen: Justice sotomayor,
do all dogs go to heaven?
Yes.
Stephen: Is it okay to talk
a penny if you never leave a
penny?
No.
Stephen: Is it ever okay to
microwave fish?
No.
Stephen: If theres something
strange in your neighborhood,
who you gonna call?
If theres something strange
in my neighborhood...
Stephen: Neighborhood.
If you mean "strange" by
dangerous for myself or others,
I would call...
Stephen: Possibly.
The police.
Stephen: Possibly, but what
if it was spooky?
What if it was something spooky
or otherworldly?
Something strange in your
neighborhood.
Who you gonna call?
That didnt pose me an... pose
any danger to me.
Stephen: It could pose a
danger to you if...
Then I still might call the
police.
Stephen: Okay, what if the
police couldnt handle this
particular danger?
Perhaps if it was an ethereal or
spiritual danger?
Perhaps there were...
Ahhh.
Stephen: Ghosts.
Who... who you gonna call?
Oh, thats a fascinating
question.
Stephen: All of mine are.
And the... and most of them
are...
Who would I call?
Stephen: Who would you call?
ID go get the police for sure.
Stephen: Judges?
Oh, youre the judge.
Im sorry.
We already have a ruling from
one of your colleagues, Ruth
bader ginsburg, on this, perhaps
one of the most divisive issues
in America today.
But I want to pose it to you to
see if we have a concurrence.
Justice sotomayor, is a hot dog
a sandwich?
This is not fair, cause I
watched her interview with you.
And she asked...
Stephen: Well, I mean, surely
you see other peoples oral
arguments.
Perhaps... perhaps you can render
your own judgments.
Or are you so influenced by Ruth
bader ginsburg that you cant
have your own opinion, madame
justice, as no one calls you?
Well, I can approach the
problem in a different way than
she did.
Stephen: All right.
All right, my definition of
sandwich is something between
two parts of a bread, or two
slices of a bread.
And under that definition, a hot
dog can be, because whether the
breads are tied together or not
is irrelevant.
So I would answer yes, under
those... under that definition.
Stephen: So youre willing
to say hot dog is a sandwich.
And, by the way, I love hot
dogs.
Stephen: Justice, thank you
so much for talking to me today.
Cheers.
Salud.
( Applause )
Stephen: Room temperature.
( Laughter )
Stephen: Both her books are
available now.
Thank you, justice sotomayor!
Well be right back with
timothee chalamet!
( Band playing ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to the show.
Folks, my first guest is an
Oscar-nominated actor you know
from "call me by your name" and
"lady bird."
His new film is "beautiful boy."
Please welcome, timothee
chalamet!
♪ ♪ (
applause )
Stephen: Please!
Please!
Maestro chalamet, please have a
seat.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you for having me.
Stephen: Last year was an
enormous year for you.
Thank you.
"Call me by your name," "lady
bird," two beautiful films, two
beautiful performances.
Do... I assume that people stop
on the street and tell you how
much they like your work.
Yes.
Sometimes, sometimes.
Stephen: Can you... can you
tell when a fan is coming
towards you whether its going
to be for one of those movies or
the other?
Yes, I can.
Stephen: Whats the...
Whats the tell?
Whats the tell?
I dont know.
Stephen: Lets say someone
from "call me by your name" is
coming?
Well, it will be much purer,
like, its much more... I dont
know.
Theres no... if its for "lady
bird," sometimes people will be
like theres that douchebag...
Ill get that vibe.
Stephen: Your character is
a douchebag.
Hes.
Hes figuring it out.
Its a difficult life.
Stephen: Hes not
particularly nice to lady bird
in the meantime.
No, hes not.
And thats not a good thing so I
can kind of Gauge off that,
sure.
Stephen: And "call me by
your name," what do you get?
Ill bet, like, peaches or
like...
Stephen: Really?
Because we had army hammer on
when he said people give him a
lot of peaches.
You get that, too?
I get that.
Thats part of the deal.
I would hope that would be for a
long time.
I would rather that than no
career, yeah.
Stephen: Whats the
weirdest fan encounter you have
ever had?
It would be before those
movies.
Does that count?
Stephen: Sure, its your
life.
I wasnt, like, really
getting stopped for anything,
and I was on this TV show
"homeland" and somebody came up
on the street and said, "I
really hope the there are new sh
of your feet this season."
Stephen: Wait, what were
your feet in?
They werent in it.
I dont know, thats a thing...
Its a thing.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: People wanting to
see your feet.
I dont know about me,
particularly.
I think...
Stephen: Youre the only
one in the story, timothee
chalamet.
( Laughter ).
No judgment, no judgment.
Like, theyre... yeah.
Stephen: I see it.
You grew up not far from here, I
understand.
I grew up, like, 10 blocks...
I grew up, like, 15 blocks from
here.
Stephen: Did you like being
a city kid?
I loved being a city kid.
I got the Yankees on me feet
right now.
They dont neat nooed my help.
They dont need my plug.
Stephen: Were they kind of
free range?
Were your parents like go out
and play in traffic.
Yeah, absolutely,
absolutely... well, no, I wasnt
playing in traffic.
But I lost a job in this
building, actually.
I had an audition in this
building.
Stephen: The ed Sullivan
theater.
There was an old letterman
producer can I say that?
Stephen: Yeah, sure.
His name... anyway, he was
casting a movie here.
Stephen: You dont want to
say his name?
He didnt give me the job.
Stephen: Throw him under
the bus.
His name was Rob Burnett, and
he was a producer on the
letterman show.
And he was putting taight movie
here called "the revised
fundamentals of caregiving," and
I... I didnt get it.
And thats the story.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Yeah, I you know who
is in this building right now?
Yes.
Stephen: You!
Yes.
Yay!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: I think Rob may
be, too.
I think Rob might still... he
still has an office here.
Rob has a bigger office.
Stephen: On the ninth
floor.
Oh, really gr yeah, hes
heading down right now.
Coming to literally kill me.
Stephen: Well, the new
movie is called "beautiful boy.
Yup.
Stephen: And its based on
a true story.
Whats the story?
Well, its called "beautiful
boy," its based on two memoirs,
one is called "beautiful boy,"
and one is called "tweak."
And its the name of father and
son, and how they dealt with
nics methamphetamine addiction,
and I know its not the lifetime
subject but I want to thank you
for having me on here to talk
about it.
There are a lot of movies out
here right now, commercial
fanfare movies that arent,
whatever, and maybe lift you up
a bit more.
And this is something people
going through right now, people
my age, tragically.
And its called "beautiful boy."
Stephen: And you... and
youre doing this movie...
( Applause )
Its an important story to tell
because so many families deal
with addiction.
Yes.
Stephen: So many
families... ing loving families...
This is not particularly an
extraordinary or out-of-the
ordinary story.
This is all too common.
No, and I hope that... I think
thats what we were hoping for,
and not in the name of being
general at all, but in trying to
be relatable.
You know, you see a family where
maybe its not obvious that
addiction could fracture it, and
thats, ultimately, I think the
learning grace of the movie.
And im sure people in here or
at home have experienced this,
know this, addiction doesnt
have a face.
It can affect anyone.
And its easier to think, "oh,
that happens to something im
night part of, " or " people who
go through things I dont go
through."
A lot of people are going
through this right now, and the
first step forward is to be able
to address this openly, and how
unfin tes male this movie can
help or me being here...
( Applause ).
Stephen: Well, the story
is... its all... its also, to a
large draerk the story of your
father and his attempt to try to
help you, played by my old
friend Steve carell.
Yes.
Stephen: What was it like
for to you work with Steve?
Man, what a dream to work
with Steve.
I was so grateful, almost just
haphazardly I googled Steve
carell, and Stephen Colbert, and
if you Google images, it seems
like you guys are in love.
Stephen: A little bit.
I worked with Steve, I dont
know, 20 years or something like
that.
Second city.
Stephen: We had the locker,
the cubby holes next to each
other on second city.
And you got him his first job
there, right?
Stephen: No, I got him
tired at "the daily show."
Okay, yes, yes.
Stephen: I got him hired at
"the daily show."
We were at second city, at the
"daney carvey show."
You came up together.
Stephen: Yes
and you had some incredible
sketches I havent seen.
I encourage everyone to go...
Theyre like surreal videos of
them online.
And theres a video of you giews
at a comedy conference, and you
start singing the national
anthem for some reason, and
Steve jumps in and this really
surreal thing starts to happen
in the room where people start
to rise and put their hands on
their hearts.
Itis beautiful and amaze ago.
Stephen: Its beautiful,
and also extremely uncomfortable
to do that in the middle of a
comedy conference.
People go, "I guess we have to
do this."
Thats what happened in the
video.
Stephen: Exactly.
And there was another one
where you are play waiters...
Stephen: Who are nauseated
by food.
Did you spend time with him off
camera?
I saw... whats going on here?
This is you... this is Steve
taking a picture of you.
And is that husband daughter?
Thats from a couple of weeks
ago.
I love that picture because you
get a great impression of, like,
the dad vibe Steve emits there.
Hes like a parent, contorting
his body for some reason.
Stephen: Besides being a
great actor Steve is, like,
both... hes kind of like, he so
talented and aging extremely
well, hes kind of sexy, but
hes super dorky dad at the same
time.
He is.
But hes this... im always
trying to tell him hes like an
icon.
And he said he visited a college
campus with his kid and he said,
"I was so surprised people were
running up to me like Steve,
youre like a sex icon."
No, but... but...
(
laughter )
No, seriously.
Theyre, like... im sure
people... like, there are the
meme online.
Theres... theyll have... anyway.
I dont... I dont...
(
laughter )
Im not saying anything new.
Stephen: There are some
memes about you online, too.
Okay, all right, all right.
Stephen: I dont know if
youre old enough to look at
them yet.
Yes, yes, yes.
Stephen: We have a clip
here.
Can you tell us whats
happening?
Its you on the phone.
Yes, so this is a scene
between David and nic, this
would be in the book, "beautiful
boy," as well.
And nic has had a number of
relapses at this point in the
movie, and hes calling his
father, and hes trying to
tell... you know, convince
husband father to let him come
home, and that hell be... that
hell be on good behavior.
Stephen: Jim?
Hi, dad, its me.
Nic?
Yeah.
Please, dad.
I know I did wrong.
I want to stop.
Please, please, please, please,
please no rehab, all right?
Just let me come home.
( Applause )
Stephen: The... the film
looks expwiewfl human and
heartbreaking.
And I just want to touch on one
other film that youve got
coming up.
Yes.
Stephen: I know you cant
tell me anything.
Is it true youve been cast as
Paul trades in the new "doom?"
Yes.
Stephen: What is fear?
Do you know what fear is?
Fear is the mind killer.
Good luck.
Thank you.
( Laughter )
So nice to meet you.
Thank you for having me.
Stephen: "Beautiful boy" is
in theaters now.
Timothee chalamet, everybody!
Well be right back.
Stephen: Welcome back,
everybody.
Folks, my next guest is a
Canadian comedian making his
network television debut.
Please welcome, Graham Kay!
♪ ♪ (
applause ).
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Yes, yes, hello.
Hi.
Thank you.
Very nice.
( Applause ) (
cheers )
I know.
Yup, yup.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good.
( Laughter ) Im.
Im.>>... im doing better... im
doing better now.
I used to live in a
250-square-foot apartment.
250 square feet!
And if you dont understand how
to calculate square footage...
You know, because I didnt when
I read the ad...
( Laughter )
My... my microwave was my bedroom
clock.
( Laughter )
Every night bifer went to bed, I
just set the alarm for eight
hours.
On potato.
( Laughter )
Get the best sleep on potato.
Doing better, though, im doing
better.
I got big personal news.
Thats why im here.
I want to talk about big
personal news.
I want to share it.
I recently just moved in with my
girlfriend!
( Cheers and applause )
Thank you, yes, yes.
And... and she more recently
moved out.
( Laughter )
No, no, thats how you get your
own apartment, fell as.
Its a life talk.
You talk about a life hack, how
to get your very own apartment
that you cant afford in new
York.
Shes gone.
Oh, boy.
And I cant afford the apartment
myself, so what I have been
doing is airbnbing out the
bedroom, and then I live in the
living room like a man.
Air bnb, what an amazing app.
Isnt it an amazing yap?
Because who wouldnt want to go
on vacation and stay with a sad
guy?
Fly all the way from Europe to
live with a broken man!
Thats fun for them, yeah.
If you dont know what air bnb
is, what it is, it is uber pool
for your mattress.
Yeah, yeah.
And I am a germ-a-phob.
I should not be okay with this.
Before my breakup, "hey, Graham,
how much for complete strangers
to come into your home and then
have sex on your mattress?
How much for that service?"
I would be like, "oh, thats
disgusting.
Like the price of 100
mattresses."
And now after my breakup, im
like "$42."
( Laughter ) $40!
$39!
Please!
So what I do when I wake up in
my own bed, and I know im going
to have a guest that night...
Theyre my guest... what I do is
I... I flip the mattress to the
sex side...
( Laughter )
Yes, yes, the dirty little shute
sex side.
And when its my turn I flip it
back to the cry side.
Thats my side.
Sex side-cry side system.
Thank you.
Very smart.
Ooum a scientist, very bright
young man.
I dont want you to think im
some sort of a loser, you know.
Im doing better in my career.
I decided to treat myself.
Im like maybe ill buy my
first-ever tailored suit.
I tried to buy one.
It did not work out.
I did not know this but if you
are a man the tailor will ask
you when whichway do you lie?
Which way do you lie?
Now, I did not know what he was
asking me.
( Laughter )
Apparently, he was asking me
which way my penis hangs.
To the right or to the left?
( Laughter )
Now, even if I did know what he
was asking me, I dont know the
answer by heart.
- ( Laughter ) (
- Applause )
Is that something im supposed
to be keeping tabs on this whole
time?
Like, every morning, before I
leave the house, im like,
"left!
Hard left today!
( Laughter )
Im ready for all questions!"
( Laughter )
If youre wonder yg hes asking,
its so he can leave in some
extra room on that side.
Give it some room!
Give it some room!
Give it some room!
Which I hate to admit, very
presumptionuous.
( Laughter )
Its always fit in there snug as
a bug in a rug.
Always just been a good amount
of room, never been a concern,
you know.
In my own defense, who are these
guys who are going pants
shopping?
Theyre like, "hope me penis
fits in there.
( Laughter ) (
cheers and applause )
Thank you.
Yeah.
So this guy, hes like, "which
way do you lie?
Which way do you lie?"
I didnt know what he was asking
me.
I thought he was asking
something else more personal
about me!
Hes like, "which way do you
lie?"
Im like, "im straight."
( Laughter )
Hes like, "straight?"
( Laughter )
I was like, "straight as an
arrow."
You bet.
Hes like, "thats weird."
Im like, "I dont think it is."
( Laughter )
Then I got pants back a couple
of days later...
( Laughter )
There was a big empty floppy
sock in the middle.
I was like what the hell is
this?
I have to put loose change in
there to hold it down on windy
days!
So didnt buy eye didnt buy the
suit.
My name is Graham Kay.
Thank you very much, bye.
Stephen: His album
"girlfriend material" comes out
( Applause )
Stephen: Oh, hey!
Welcome back, everybody!
Well, folks, the weeks just
about over, and it was a week
well never forget.
Well spend the weekend trying.
Until then, enjoy the best of
this weeks "late show"."
The president was in Paris this
weekend for the 100th
anniversary of the armistice day
and was scheduled to pay his
respects at a U.S. military
cemetery.
These soldiers fought tirelessly
through brutal conditions.
So, of course, Trump canceled
his trip to the cemetery due to
rain.
Well, you cant blame him... hes
only got one umbrella, and he
couldnt figure out how to bring
it on the plane.
( Laughter ) >> I feel good.
Its always great to come here
because of the-of this place.
Stephen: Yeah and...
And you!
And you, too.
( Laughter ) Mainly you.
Stephen: Do you know why I
like talking to you?
You remind me of someone else.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Do you think about
death a lot?
No, I dont care about it.
Stephen: You dont care
about dying?
No... well, I dont care about
being dead, because I wont know
about it.
Stephen: You dont know.
That is the best thing about
being dead... you dont know
about it.
Its like being stupid.
Its only painful for others.
So I dont...
Stephen: What do you make
of a photograph like this?
I mean, can you believe this?
Did you see this?
It was the one time you saw the
president smile.
It was almost pavlovian.
I mean... this is... this is
Vladimir putin.
Macron, Angela merkel, and this
is, I think, the one smile we
saw from the president.
Stephen: Uh.
♪ My boyfriends back
"make France great again."
I suspect Donald trumps going
to have a new look at his next
rally!
( Laughter ) (
applause )
"Look, ah-ah-ah."
"They try to shame everybody by
calling them racist or calling
them something, anything they
can think of, when you say you
want voter I.D.
But voter I.D. Is a very
important thing.
If you buy a box of cereal, you
have a voter I.D.
So the president of the united
states thinks you need voter
I.d. To buy a box of cereal.
He must be referring to the many
popular "adults only" cereals
that require I.D., like "porn
flakes, turning trix, and
grape-nuts."
( Laughter ) (
applause )
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Well be right
back.
♪ ♪ (
applause )
Stephen: Thats it for "the
late show," everybody.
Watch "the late show" next week
when ill be joined by Millie
Bobby brown, Paul Simon, and
Michael Douglas.
Good night!
- (Cheers and applause - ) (Band playing
- )
- (band playing
- ) ♪ ♪
Theresa may is facing a
political crisis over brexit.
We will leave the e.U. In a
smooth and orderly way on the 29
of march, 2019.
( Laughter )
Nothing short of political
chaos.
♪ ♪ (
gunshot )
007, we need you now more
than ever.
Whats the assignment, m?
International terrorism?
Rogue agent?
Stolen nuclear launch codes?
We need you to fix this
brexit thing!
Ahh... im sorry, what...
Whats happening?
You know, the brexit thing!
Utter chaos!
Secretaries resigned, cabinet
members have quit, there are
calls for a vote of no
confidence.
Its a bloody fiasco!
Yeah...
I quit.
What?
Youre on your own.
Moneypenny and I are going to
open up a quiznos franchise.
Bond, your country needs you!
Sorry, quiznos awaits.
Mmmm... toasty.
Its "the late show with
Stephen Colbert."
Tonight, new kids in the house.
Plus, Stephen welcomes
timothee chalamet
and comedian Graham Kay.
And a special appearance by
supreme court justice Sonia
sotomayor.
Featuring Jon batiste and stay
human.
And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York
city, its Stephen Colbert!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Wooo!
Come on!
Hey, come on!
Right over there!
Side arm.
Jon, oh, man, I need the warmth.
Its a little chilly.
( Applause )
Stephen: Thanks, everybody!
Sit down!
Sit dune!
Wow!
Come on!
This is an... this is an amazing
audience right here.
This is an incredible audience
right here.
You know why theyre so happy?
This audience is happy they
werent last nights audience
standing in that snow all night,
yeah.
Though that was a good audience,
too.
That was a good audience, too.
Welcome to "the late show,"
everybody.
Im your host, Stephen Colbert.
It is Friday!
Im your host, Stephen Colbert.
Man!
What a week.
Its a new reality.
Democrats are in control of th
house of representatives.
( Cheers and applause )
And this week, newly elected
representatives were in
Washington for congress
freshman orientation.
Its just like college freshman
orientation, only in congress,
the seniors are actual seniors.
( Laughter )
Now, as part of orientation,
congress put out a flier with
pictures of all the new faces
from both parties.
See if you can spot the
difference.
Heres the new democrats: A
diverse group, looking like a
cross-section of America.
( Cheers and applause )
And here are the Republicans:
Also diverse, a rainbow from
beige to eggshell.
( Laughter )
Now, no congressional freshman
out there seems to be enjoying
themselves as much as incoming
New York congresswoman and
reason youre cheering so loud
you cant hear what im saying,
Alexandria ocasio-Cortez.
Shes been posting Instagram
stories of her first experiences
in congress, including this one
where she says, "welcome to
Hogwarts."
( Laughter ) Shes right.
Shes nailed that.
Congress is like Hogwarts.
Just beware of the ancient
wizard mccoldemort.
Laugh meanwhile, meanwhile... im
not afraid to say his name.
Meanwhile, after the midterms,
Trump has mysteriously stopped
talking about what was once the
greatest threat to America, the
caravan!
♪ ♪
I came out... I came out pointing
the wrong way.
( Applause )
But theres one group that cant
forget about it: Its the 5,900
troops recently deployed to the
U.S.-Mexico border by president
Trump.
(As Trump):"
Wait, they really went?
Thats hilarious!
I was just (bleep) With you."
And the conditions for those
serving at the border are really
not great: Theres "little
electricity, no combat pay," and
the troops will be on the border
over Thanksgiving.
So trumps extended the family
separation to the troops.
This was obviously just a
political stunt for the
midterms.
Before the election, trumps
military deployment to the
border was called "operation
faithful patriot."
But recently, a Pentagon
spokesman said that "we are no
longer calling it operation
faithful patriot.
We are referring to it as
border support."
You cant drop the cool
nickname.
The next "fast and furious"
movie cant star Dwayne "the
guy" Johnson.
But on Wednesday... Wednesday?
On Wednesday, the troops
received a visit from defense
secretary and father-in-law
watching you mow his lawn,
James mattis.
( Laughter )
And on his way to the border,
mattis conceded that the mission
was a little vague.
At the present, I do not
anticipate military personnel
coming into direct contact with
migrants.
Stephen: Yeah, cause fun
fact: The vast majority of the
migrants are more than 1,000
miles away still.
The troops are down there for no
reason!
Its like if Paul revere went
through the streets shouting,
"the no one is coming!
The no one is coming!
Why am I yelling on my horse in
the middle of the night?
- Oh, god, I need mental help!" (
- Cheers and applause )
Meanwhile...
♪ ♪
- Meanwhile, in board game news (
- laughter )
Thats right.
There is some.
Monopoly is trying to win
younger players with a new
edition... and this is real...
Called "monopoly for
millennials," which they
market with the snarky tagline,
"forget real estate.
You cant afford it anyway."
- ( Laughter ) (
- Applause )
Jon: Wow!
Stephen: Wow!
That is cold.
Jon: Yeah, thats cold.
Stephen: Ice cold.
Come on, monopoly!
Games are where people go to
escape reality.
If we wanted realism in our
board games, wed have "your
insurance doesnt cover that
operation," and "clue 2018,"
where its obvious who committed
the crime, but somehow theyre
still president anyway.
In this version, the monopoly
man is taking a selfie while
listening to his earbuds,
drinking a latte, and wearing
cool shades, and a participation
ribbon.
Youre got to hand it to them.
That is a perfect portrait of an
entire generation of old people
who have no idea what
millennials are like.
( Laughter ) (
applause )
Jon: Now, youre talking.
( Cheers and applause )
Now youre talking.
♪ ♪
Stephen: I tell you, I did
not anticipate there being a
story after the Paul revere one,
because I am exhausted now.
And millennial monopoly really
doubles down on dissing the
youths.
Instead of collecting money,
players collect experience
points by visiting the hottest
destinations: From your
friends couch, to the vegan
bistro, to a week-long
meditation retreat."
Notice that millennial
monopolys list of fun
experiences does not include
"playing millennial monopoly."
( Laughter ) (
applause )
Millennial monopoly.
Millennial monopoly.
But I guess this lack of
understanding towards younger
generations shouldnt come as a
surprise, since this is the same
company that brought us... and
this is real... "Fortnite
monopoly."
Its all the fun of the video
game, minus all the fun of the
video game.
( Laughter )
Weve got a great show for you
tonight.
Timothee chalamet is here.
But when I return, ill argue my
case to none other than supreme
court justice Sonia sotomayor.
Stick around!
♪ ♪ (
applause )
( Band playing ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Jon batiste and
stay human, everybody!
Jon, happy Friday.
Jon: Happy Friday!
Were in the zone!
Stephen: Come on.
You can feel the Friday.
Jon: The Friday zone!
Stephen: Theres so much
Friday here theyre sponging up
the Friday here.
You know what im excited about
this weekend, Jon.
Im excited about the book
"whose boat is this boat?," that
were selling out there all
around the country for people
affected by the hurricanes in
north Carolina and Georgia.
Yesterday we found out number
one "New York times" bestsaler
right here.
Jon: Number one, thats
right.
Stephen: Number one
overall.
But they got us on this "advice,
how-to, and miscellaneous" list
right here.
And I think "miscellaneous,"
thats anything.
Miscellaneous could be anything.
Not only is it the number one
book, I think its the number
one electrical appliance right
now in America.
Because "miscellaneous" means
anything.
You cant take that back.
Thats "the New York times."
Or is "the New York times"
lying?
Thats what I want to know.
If were not the number one
appliance, thats fake news.
All right.
Somebody owes the president an
apology.
And it aint me.
Folks, the supreme court was in
the news last week again.
We learned that justice ginsburg
was recovering after a fall.
Shes back at work, and im not
surprised because I know her
strength.
Earlier this year, I worked out
with r.B.G.
So, I was delighted when another
supreme court justice, Sonia
sotomayor, agreed to sit down
with me.
( Applause ) Amazing.
Second or third time.
Ive talked with her before.
Shes amazing.
People love Sonia.
She has an inspiring life story
which she tells in two new
childrens books: "Turning
pages" and "the beloved world of
Sonia sotomayor."
And I recently sat down with
justice Sonia sotomayor.
In our nations capital.
Stephen: The supreme court
of the United States.
In just a moment, ill be
sitting down with justice Sonia
sotomayor, over there, at the
library of congress.
They wouldnt let me film in
there.
Im not entirely sure why.
But, thats nice, too.
Justice, thank you so much for
talking to me today.
Its so wonderful to see you
again, Stephen.
Stephen: Whats been going
on in the supreme court lately?
I havent heard much.
Anything... anything exciting
happening?
Just read the newspapers.
Stephen: But whats the hot
gossip?
Whos a diva over there?
We all are.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Congratulations on
not one but two new books.
Got them here.
"Whose boat is this boat?."
Im sorry...
That ones not mine.
Stephen: Thats not... no,
this is mine.
Im sorry.
I apologize.
Can we...
"Whose boat..."
I dont know why we have two
copies of this.
I apologize.
Sorry.
Stephen: "Turning pages."
Thats mine.
Stephen: What I like about
this is not only is it the name
of your book, but it also... its
an instruction on how to read a
book.
Well, its for kids four to
eight years old, so that helps,
doesnt it?
Stephen: I havent had a
chance to read the book yet,
but...
Stephen, it will take you ten
minutes.
Stephen: Lets go through it.
Okay.
Stephen: Its got fantastic
pictures.
What message do you want kids to
get from this book?
Well, my success in life has
happened because of words and
books.
Reading is what changed the
circumstances of my life around
and let me become a supreme
court justice.
And that is what the message of
this book is.
Stephen: Now this is a fairly
unrealistic drawing.
Yes.
Stephen: I believe you can
fly.
I dont.
Stephen: They must give you
some sort of superpowers when
you become a member of the
supreme court.
Not really.
Stephen: We dont know
anything you folks do in there.
Its all closed off.
Theres no cameras.
You can come visit.
Stephen: Its like a temple
in there.
You can come visit the
supreme court any time you want.
Stephen: And can we see what
you guys are doing back in the
chambers?
Well, no.
Stephen: We dont know whats
going on.
Its a secret society.
I dont know what youre
doing in your office.
Stephen: Oh, you can come
anytime you want.
But you can come, and if I
want to see you.
Stephen: Sure.
No, you can go to
stephencolbert. Org, and im
live-streaming my office at all
times.
Is that true?
Stephen: Hey, Jimmy, lets
cut to the live-stream right
now.
Hold on.
♪ You spin me right round, baby,
right round,
♪ like a record baby
Stephen: All right.
Have you ever committed a crime?
Ooooh.
Stephen: Steal a candy bar or
anything as a child?
No.
Stephen: No?
But I did take a quarter from
a telephone... a public
telephone...
Stephen: What?
In my life, yeah.
Stephen: A public telephone?
Uh-huh.
Stephen: Thats interstate
commerce, because thats long-
distance calls on those.
I know.
Thankfully...
Stephen: Thats a federal
crime.
You know, its only a quarter,
but little things lead to big
things.
Thats exactly right.
Stephen: Thats a gateway
crime.
Thankfully, the statute of
limitations has passed.
Stephen: Hold on one second.
Lets get a lawyer on that,
please.
Probably most citizens at
some point in their life who
drive have gone over the speed
limit.
Stephen: I have not.
Thats a crime, too.
Stephen: I have never.
Youve never gone... Stephen?
Stephen: Ive never gone...
Youre catholic, arent you?
Yes, im a catholic.
Dominus vobiscum.
Uh-huh, and you know youre
not supposed to lie.
Stephen: I... I do.
I... I know im not supposed
to lie.
Tell me that youve never
gone over the speed limit.
Stephen: I would like to
invoke my fifth amendment right
against self-incrimination.
( Laughter )
Now, you have another book.
You have another book...
I have.
Stephen:... for slightly older
children.
Middle school children.
Stephen: Its called "the
beloved world of Sonia
sotomayor."
Its a nice title.
Could I improve it slightly
for you?
Go ahead.
Stephen: "The world of the
beloved Sonia sotomayor."
Oh, thats very sweet of you,
Stephen.
Stephen: You seem nice.
Im sorry you have to live in
Washington.
You write that when you were a
child, you used books to escape
sadness.
Uh-huh.
Stephen: What do you use to
escape sadness as an adult?
I love playing poker, so I
play...
Stephen: Really?
Poker with friends.
Stephen: And do you ever play
for just, like, small stakes, or
anything like that?
Just a little family...
Pretty much almost always
small stakes.
Stephen: Small stakes.
Its still illegal to
gamble for small stakes, just...
No, because I provide...
Stephen: Its not illegal in
D.C.?
I provide the food.
The players around my table are
just paying for their own food.
Stephen: That is legalese if
I ever heard it.
Come on, thats never going to
hold up in a court.
Why not?
Stephen: Get a lawyer in
here.
Why not?
Stephen: Youre... youre
running... youre running a
gambling den.
Absolutely not.
Stephen: How do we know that
youre in charge?
ID like to see some receipts,
please.
Oh, thats easy for me to
give you.
Stephen: Okay, stealing
quarters to feed your gambling
problem.
All right, okay.
You spend a lot of your day
making big calls, all right?
Theres no bigger calls than
deciding what the constitution
will allow.
ID like you to use your
judicial acumen right now to
make some very quick, very small
calls.
Okay.
Stephen: Justice sotomayor,
do all dogs go to heaven?
Yes.
Stephen: Is it okay to talk
a penny if you never leave a
penny?
No.
Stephen: Is it ever okay to
microwave fish?
No.
Stephen: If theres something
strange in your neighborhood,
who you gonna call?
If theres something strange
in my neighborhood...
Stephen: Neighborhood.
If you mean "strange" by
dangerous for myself or others,
I would call...
Stephen: Possibly.
The police.
Stephen: Possibly, but what
if it was spooky?
What if it was something spooky
or otherworldly?
Something strange in your
neighborhood.
Who you gonna call?
That didnt pose me an... pose
any danger to me.
Stephen: It could pose a
danger to you if...
Then I still might call the
police.
Stephen: Okay, what if the
police couldnt handle this
particular danger?
Perhaps if it was an ethereal or
spiritual danger?
Perhaps there were...
Ahhh.
Stephen: Ghosts.
Who... who you gonna call?
Oh, thats a fascinating
question.
Stephen: All of mine are.
And the... and most of them
are...
Who would I call?
Stephen: Who would you call?
ID go get the police for sure.
Stephen: Judges?
Oh, youre the judge.
Im sorry.
We already have a ruling from
one of your colleagues, Ruth
bader ginsburg, on this, perhaps
one of the most divisive issues
in America today.
But I want to pose it to you to
see if we have a concurrence.
Justice sotomayor, is a hot dog
a sandwich?
This is not fair, cause I
watched her interview with you.
And she asked...
Stephen: Well, I mean, surely
you see other peoples oral
arguments.
Perhaps... perhaps you can render
your own judgments.
Or are you so influenced by Ruth
bader ginsburg that you cant
have your own opinion, madame
justice, as no one calls you?
Well, I can approach the
problem in a different way than
she did.
Stephen: All right.
All right, my definition of
sandwich is something between
two parts of a bread, or two
slices of a bread.
And under that definition, a hot
dog can be, because whether the
breads are tied together or not
is irrelevant.
So I would answer yes, under
those... under that definition.
Stephen: So youre willing
to say hot dog is a sandwich.
And, by the way, I love hot
dogs.
Stephen: Justice, thank you
so much for talking to me today.
Cheers.
Salud.
( Applause )
Stephen: Room temperature.
( Laughter )
Stephen: Both her books are
available now.
Thank you, justice sotomayor!
Well be right back with
timothee chalamet!
( Band playing ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to the show.
Folks, my first guest is an
Oscar-nominated actor you know
from "call me by your name" and
"lady bird."
His new film is "beautiful boy."
Please welcome, timothee
chalamet!
♪ ♪ (
applause )
Stephen: Please!
Please!
Maestro chalamet, please have a
seat.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you for having me.
Stephen: Last year was an
enormous year for you.
Thank you.
"Call me by your name," "lady
bird," two beautiful films, two
beautiful performances.
Do... I assume that people stop
on the street and tell you how
much they like your work.
Yes.
Sometimes, sometimes.
Stephen: Can you... can you
tell when a fan is coming
towards you whether its going
to be for one of those movies or
the other?
Yes, I can.
Stephen: Whats the...
Whats the tell?
Whats the tell?
I dont know.
Stephen: Lets say someone
from "call me by your name" is
coming?
Well, it will be much purer,
like, its much more... I dont
know.
Theres no... if its for "lady
bird," sometimes people will be
like theres that douchebag...
Ill get that vibe.
Stephen: Your character is
a douchebag.
Hes.
Hes figuring it out.
Its a difficult life.
Stephen: Hes not
particularly nice to lady bird
in the meantime.
No, hes not.
And thats not a good thing so I
can kind of Gauge off that,
sure.
Stephen: And "call me by
your name," what do you get?
Ill bet, like, peaches or
like...
Stephen: Really?
Because we had army hammer on
when he said people give him a
lot of peaches.
You get that, too?
I get that.
Thats part of the deal.
I would hope that would be for a
long time.
I would rather that than no
career, yeah.
Stephen: Whats the
weirdest fan encounter you have
ever had?
It would be before those
movies.
Does that count?
Stephen: Sure, its your
life.
I wasnt, like, really
getting stopped for anything,
and I was on this TV show
"homeland" and somebody came up
on the street and said, "I
really hope the there are new sh
of your feet this season."
Stephen: Wait, what were
your feet in?
They werent in it.
I dont know, thats a thing...
Its a thing.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: People wanting to
see your feet.
I dont know about me,
particularly.
I think...
Stephen: Youre the only
one in the story, timothee
chalamet.
( Laughter ).
No judgment, no judgment.
Like, theyre... yeah.
Stephen: I see it.
You grew up not far from here, I
understand.
I grew up, like, 10 blocks...
I grew up, like, 15 blocks from
here.
Stephen: Did you like being
a city kid?
I loved being a city kid.
I got the Yankees on me feet
right now.
They dont neat nooed my help.
They dont need my plug.
Stephen: Were they kind of
free range?
Were your parents like go out
and play in traffic.
Yeah, absolutely,
absolutely... well, no, I wasnt
playing in traffic.
But I lost a job in this
building, actually.
I had an audition in this
building.
Stephen: The ed Sullivan
theater.
There was an old letterman
producer can I say that?
Stephen: Yeah, sure.
His name... anyway, he was
casting a movie here.
Stephen: You dont want to
say his name?
He didnt give me the job.
Stephen: Throw him under
the bus.
His name was Rob Burnett, and
he was a producer on the
letterman show.
And he was putting taight movie
here called "the revised
fundamentals of caregiving," and
I... I didnt get it.
And thats the story.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Yeah, I you know who
is in this building right now?
Yes.
Stephen: You!
Yes.
Yay!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: I think Rob may
be, too.
I think Rob might still... he
still has an office here.
Rob has a bigger office.
Stephen: On the ninth
floor.
Oh, really gr yeah, hes
heading down right now.
Coming to literally kill me.
Stephen: Well, the new
movie is called "beautiful boy.
Yup.
Stephen: And its based on
a true story.
Whats the story?
Well, its called "beautiful
boy," its based on two memoirs,
one is called "beautiful boy,"
and one is called "tweak."
And its the name of father and
son, and how they dealt with
nics methamphetamine addiction,
and I know its not the lifetime
subject but I want to thank you
for having me on here to talk
about it.
There are a lot of movies out
here right now, commercial
fanfare movies that arent,
whatever, and maybe lift you up
a bit more.
And this is something people
going through right now, people
my age, tragically.
And its called "beautiful boy."
Stephen: And you... and
youre doing this movie...
( Applause )
Its an important story to tell
because so many families deal
with addiction.
Yes.
Stephen: So many
families... ing loving families...
This is not particularly an
extraordinary or out-of-the
ordinary story.
This is all too common.
No, and I hope that... I think
thats what we were hoping for,
and not in the name of being
general at all, but in trying to
be relatable.
You know, you see a family where
maybe its not obvious that
addiction could fracture it, and
thats, ultimately, I think the
learning grace of the movie.
And im sure people in here or
at home have experienced this,
know this, addiction doesnt
have a face.
It can affect anyone.
And its easier to think, "oh,
that happens to something im
night part of, " or " people who
go through things I dont go
through."
A lot of people are going
through this right now, and the
first step forward is to be able
to address this openly, and how
unfin tes male this movie can
help or me being here...
( Applause ).
Stephen: Well, the story
is... its all... its also, to a
large draerk the story of your
father and his attempt to try to
help you, played by my old
friend Steve carell.
Yes.
Stephen: What was it like
for to you work with Steve?
Man, what a dream to work
with Steve.
I was so grateful, almost just
haphazardly I googled Steve
carell, and Stephen Colbert, and
if you Google images, it seems
like you guys are in love.
Stephen: A little bit.
I worked with Steve, I dont
know, 20 years or something like
that.
Second city.
Stephen: We had the locker,
the cubby holes next to each
other on second city.
And you got him his first job
there, right?
Stephen: No, I got him
tired at "the daily show."
Okay, yes, yes.
Stephen: I got him hired at
"the daily show."
We were at second city, at the
"daney carvey show."
You came up together.
Stephen: Yes
and you had some incredible
sketches I havent seen.
I encourage everyone to go...
Theyre like surreal videos of
them online.
And theres a video of you giews
at a comedy conference, and you
start singing the national
anthem for some reason, and
Steve jumps in and this really
surreal thing starts to happen
in the room where people start
to rise and put their hands on
their hearts.
Itis beautiful and amaze ago.
Stephen: Its beautiful,
and also extremely uncomfortable
to do that in the middle of a
comedy conference.
People go, "I guess we have to
do this."
Thats what happened in the
video.
Stephen: Exactly.
And there was another one
where you are play waiters...
Stephen: Who are nauseated
by food.
Did you spend time with him off
camera?
I saw... whats going on here?
This is you... this is Steve
taking a picture of you.
And is that husband daughter?
Thats from a couple of weeks
ago.
I love that picture because you
get a great impression of, like,
the dad vibe Steve emits there.
Hes like a parent, contorting
his body for some reason.
Stephen: Besides being a
great actor Steve is, like,
both... hes kind of like, he so
talented and aging extremely
well, hes kind of sexy, but
hes super dorky dad at the same
time.
He is.
But hes this... im always
trying to tell him hes like an
icon.
And he said he visited a college
campus with his kid and he said,
"I was so surprised people were
running up to me like Steve,
youre like a sex icon."
No, but... but...
(
laughter )
No, seriously.
Theyre, like... im sure
people... like, there are the
meme online.
Theres... theyll have... anyway.
I dont... I dont...
(
laughter )
Im not saying anything new.
Stephen: There are some
memes about you online, too.
Okay, all right, all right.
Stephen: I dont know if
youre old enough to look at
them yet.
Yes, yes, yes.
Stephen: We have a clip
here.
Can you tell us whats
happening?
Its you on the phone.
Yes, so this is a scene
between David and nic, this
would be in the book, "beautiful
boy," as well.
And nic has had a number of
relapses at this point in the
movie, and hes calling his
father, and hes trying to
tell... you know, convince
husband father to let him come
home, and that hell be... that
hell be on good behavior.
Stephen: Jim?
Hi, dad, its me.
Nic?
Yeah.
Please, dad.
I know I did wrong.
I want to stop.
Please, please, please, please,
please no rehab, all right?
Just let me come home.
( Applause )
Stephen: The... the film
looks expwiewfl human and
heartbreaking.
And I just want to touch on one
other film that youve got
coming up.
Yes.
Stephen: I know you cant
tell me anything.
Is it true youve been cast as
Paul trades in the new "doom?"
Yes.
Stephen: What is fear?
Do you know what fear is?
Fear is the mind killer.
Good luck.
Thank you.
( Laughter )
So nice to meet you.
Thank you for having me.
Stephen: "Beautiful boy" is
in theaters now.
Timothee chalamet, everybody!
Well be right back.
Stephen: Welcome back,
everybody.
Folks, my next guest is a
Canadian comedian making his
network television debut.
Please welcome, Graham Kay!
♪ ♪ (
applause ).
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Yes, yes, hello.
Hi.
Thank you.
Very nice.
( Applause ) (
cheers )
I know.
Yup, yup.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good.
( Laughter ) Im.
Im.>>... im doing better... im
doing better now.
I used to live in a
250-square-foot apartment.
250 square feet!
And if you dont understand how
to calculate square footage...
You know, because I didnt when
I read the ad...
( Laughter )
My... my microwave was my bedroom
clock.
( Laughter )
Every night bifer went to bed, I
just set the alarm for eight
hours.
On potato.
( Laughter )
Get the best sleep on potato.
Doing better, though, im doing
better.
I got big personal news.
Thats why im here.
I want to talk about big
personal news.
I want to share it.
I recently just moved in with my
girlfriend!
( Cheers and applause )
Thank you, yes, yes.
And... and she more recently
moved out.
( Laughter )
No, no, thats how you get your
own apartment, fell as.
Its a life talk.
You talk about a life hack, how
to get your very own apartment
that you cant afford in new
York.
Shes gone.
Oh, boy.
And I cant afford the apartment
myself, so what I have been
doing is airbnbing out the
bedroom, and then I live in the
living room like a man.
Air bnb, what an amazing app.
Isnt it an amazing yap?
Because who wouldnt want to go
on vacation and stay with a sad
guy?
Fly all the way from Europe to
live with a broken man!
Thats fun for them, yeah.
If you dont know what air bnb
is, what it is, it is uber pool
for your mattress.
Yeah, yeah.
And I am a germ-a-phob.
I should not be okay with this.
Before my breakup, "hey, Graham,
how much for complete strangers
to come into your home and then
have sex on your mattress?
How much for that service?"
I would be like, "oh, thats
disgusting.
Like the price of 100
mattresses."
And now after my breakup, im
like "$42."
( Laughter ) $40!
$39!
Please!
So what I do when I wake up in
my own bed, and I know im going
to have a guest that night...
Theyre my guest... what I do is
I... I flip the mattress to the
sex side...
( Laughter )
Yes, yes, the dirty little shute
sex side.
And when its my turn I flip it
back to the cry side.
Thats my side.
Sex side-cry side system.
Thank you.
Very smart.
Ooum a scientist, very bright
young man.
I dont want you to think im
some sort of a loser, you know.
Im doing better in my career.
I decided to treat myself.
Im like maybe ill buy my
first-ever tailored suit.
I tried to buy one.
It did not work out.
I did not know this but if you
are a man the tailor will ask
you when whichway do you lie?
Which way do you lie?
Now, I did not know what he was
asking me.
( Laughter )
Apparently, he was asking me
which way my penis hangs.
To the right or to the left?
( Laughter )
Now, even if I did know what he
was asking me, I dont know the
answer by heart.
- ( Laughter ) (
- Applause )
Is that something im supposed
to be keeping tabs on this whole
time?
Like, every morning, before I
leave the house, im like,
"left!
Hard left today!
( Laughter )
Im ready for all questions!"
( Laughter )
If youre wonder yg hes asking,
its so he can leave in some
extra room on that side.
Give it some room!
Give it some room!
Give it some room!
Which I hate to admit, very
presumptionuous.
( Laughter )
Its always fit in there snug as
a bug in a rug.
Always just been a good amount
of room, never been a concern,
you know.
In my own defense, who are these
guys who are going pants
shopping?
Theyre like, "hope me penis
fits in there.
( Laughter ) (
cheers and applause )
Thank you.
Yeah.
So this guy, hes like, "which
way do you lie?
Which way do you lie?"
I didnt know what he was asking
me.
I thought he was asking
something else more personal
about me!
Hes like, "which way do you
lie?"
Im like, "im straight."
( Laughter )
Hes like, "straight?"
( Laughter )
I was like, "straight as an
arrow."
You bet.
Hes like, "thats weird."
Im like, "I dont think it is."
( Laughter )
Then I got pants back a couple
of days later...
( Laughter )
There was a big empty floppy
sock in the middle.
I was like what the hell is
this?
I have to put loose change in
there to hold it down on windy
days!
So didnt buy eye didnt buy the
suit.
My name is Graham Kay.
Thank you very much, bye.
Stephen: His album
"girlfriend material" comes out
( Applause )
Stephen: Oh, hey!
Welcome back, everybody!
Well, folks, the weeks just
about over, and it was a week
well never forget.
Well spend the weekend trying.
Until then, enjoy the best of
this weeks "late show"."
The president was in Paris this
weekend for the 100th
anniversary of the armistice day
and was scheduled to pay his
respects at a U.S. military
cemetery.
These soldiers fought tirelessly
through brutal conditions.
So, of course, Trump canceled
his trip to the cemetery due to
rain.
Well, you cant blame him... hes
only got one umbrella, and he
couldnt figure out how to bring
it on the plane.
( Laughter ) >> I feel good.
Its always great to come here
because of the-of this place.
Stephen: Yeah and...
And you!
And you, too.
( Laughter ) Mainly you.
Stephen: Do you know why I
like talking to you?
You remind me of someone else.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Do you think about
death a lot?
No, I dont care about it.
Stephen: You dont care
about dying?
No... well, I dont care about
being dead, because I wont know
about it.
Stephen: You dont know.
That is the best thing about
being dead... you dont know
about it.
Its like being stupid.
Its only painful for others.
So I dont...
Stephen: What do you make
of a photograph like this?
I mean, can you believe this?
Did you see this?
It was the one time you saw the
president smile.
It was almost pavlovian.
I mean... this is... this is
Vladimir putin.
Macron, Angela merkel, and this
is, I think, the one smile we
saw from the president.
Stephen: Uh.
♪ My boyfriends back
"make France great again."
I suspect Donald trumps going
to have a new look at his next
rally!
( Laughter ) (
applause )
"Look, ah-ah-ah."
"They try to shame everybody by
calling them racist or calling
them something, anything they
can think of, when you say you
want voter I.D.
But voter I.D. Is a very
important thing.
If you buy a box of cereal, you
have a voter I.D.
So the president of the united
states thinks you need voter
I.d. To buy a box of cereal.
He must be referring to the many
popular "adults only" cereals
that require I.D., like "porn
flakes, turning trix, and
grape-nuts."
( Laughter ) (
applause )
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Well be right
back.
♪ ♪ (
applause )
Stephen: Thats it for "the
late show," everybody.
Watch "the late show" next week
when ill be joined by Millie
Bobby brown, Paul Simon, and
Michael Douglas.
Good night!
- (Cheers and applause - ) (Band playing
- )
- (band playing
- ) ♪ ♪