The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 14 - Malala Yousafzai/Kerry Washington/The Arcs - full transcript
Nobel Prize Laureate Malala Yousafzai (He Named Me Malala (2015)); Kerry Washington (Scandal (2012)). Also: The Arcs perform.
Captioning sponsored by CBS
the White House has
reportedly create aid new
strategy of policy time to get
President Trump to focus on
work.
Policy time was instituted by
chief of staff John Kelly in an
effort to get the president to
zero if on policy issues
♪ policy time
put down your phone
♪ these are things your brain
should no with Kelly the dog
and pump the president
we know youd rather golf
♪ policy time
listen up, President Trump,
NATO or the north Atlantic
treaty organization was created
after world war ii to prevent
intercontinental war from ever
happening again.
( Clears throat )
NATO has kept peace for almost
70 years between European
countries by making them allies.
And theyre our allies.
Allies means friends.
And friends are good!
Aaaarrgghhhhad!
Its "the late show with
Stephen Colbert."
Tonight, post-midterm melt down.
Plus, Stephen welcomes
Ricky gervais
bianna golodryga
and chef Flynn mcgarry.
Featuring Jon batiste and stay
human.
And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York
city, its Stephen Colbert!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Wooo!
How are you?
Nice, nice, nice, nice.
Please, sit down, everybody!
Up there!
Down here!
Welcome to "the late show,"
ladies and gentlemen.
Im your host, Stephen Colbert.
( Cheers and applause )
I dont know why youre excited,
but that blue wave keeps
crashing on the beach.
In the last 24 hours, two tight
house races have been called for
democrats, one in California and
one in New Jersey.
( Cheers and applause )
Jon: They call them.
Stephen: You enjoy that?
I enjoyed that.
You know whos not enjoying last
Tuesdays election?
The guy who lost, Donald Trump.
Sources say stung by the
midterms and nervous about
Mueller, Trump has retreated
into a cocoon of bitterness
and resentment.
Yes, Trump is ending his larval
stage and in a few weeks will
emerge as a hideous race-baiting
butterfly.
( Laughter )
One... one aide says the
president is consumed by "trying
to decide who to blame" for
Republicans election losses.
Really?
Does he not own a mirror?
- ( Laughter ) (
- As Trump )
"You did it, mirror man.
Stop copying everything I say
and do, okay."
With Trump lashing out in every
direction, its no wonder that
"most staffers are trying to
avoid him."
Yes, theyre all holed up in the
one place hell never go: A
salad bar.
( Laughter )
But this is all par for the
course.
As one official who used to work
in the White House put it, "the
Trump administration has been so
consistently off the rails that
days like today just blend into
everything else."
Ah, just one of those typical
days where each moment of hollow
malice blends into the next,
when the future and past narrow
into a speck of dim rage racing
forever into the vacuum of the
presidents mangled,
unquenchable ego.
Mondays, am I right?
( Cheers and applause )
And its not just the election.
The president caught a lot of
flack for bailing on the
wreath-laying ceremony in France
on Saturday.
And "Trump told aides he thought
he looked terrible and blamed
his chief of staffs office for
not counseling him that skipping
the cemetery visit would be a
public relations nightmare."
( Laughter ) (
as Trump )
"Look, why didnt you tell me
that not honoring fallen
soldiers on veterans day would
make me look bad?
Now, if youll excuse me, im
going to stick my tongue in that
light socket.
Nobody talk till ive done it."
Trumps also getting criticized
for his latest hire: Acting
Attorney General and roid-rage
Lima bean...
( Laughter ) Matt Whitaker.
Were learning some interesting
stuff about whitakers past.
For instance, his 2014 run for
the g.O.P. Senate nomination in
Iowa.
Now, he lost, but while
campaigning, heres what
he said was criteria for his
judges:
ID like to see things like
their worldview, what informs
them.
How have they lived their life?
Are they people of faith?
Do they have a biblical view of
justice?
Which I think is very important
because we all know that our
government...
Levitical or new testament?
( Laughter )
Im a new testament, and
what I know is... is, as long as
they have that worldview, that
theyll be a good judge.
Stephen: In the opinion of
the present Attorney General of
the United States, if youre not
a Christian, you wont be a good
judge.
But its right there in the
constitution:
( Laughter )
Now, I want to warn...
( Cheers and applause )
Constitution lovers.
Jon: Constitution fans
right there in the house.
Stephen: I want to warn our
viewers that have allergies that
this next headline is nuts.
Because today we learned that
the acting Attorney General of
these United States, Matthew
Whitaker, is steeped in time
travel and bigfoot.
Now, before we go any further,
I just want to say that theres
serious debate over whether
whitakers appointment is
unconstitutional and might
obstruct justice.
But, tonight, daddy dont give a
damn.
I want to talk about time-
traveling big foot man!
Heres the deal... this is true...
Whitaker was a paid advisor and
hot-tub pitchman for a company
called world patent marketing.
Well, in 2013, whitakers
company claimed to have "d.N.A.
Evidence proving that bigfoot
exists."
Now, quick aside: I worked for
"the daily show" way back in the
day, before Craig kilbourn.
I interviewed a lot bigfoot
enthusiasts in my day.
For instance once I interviewed
a guy who said bigfoot was in
dangers and we had to have
breeding pairs to breed them in
activity to save the species.
Another time I interviewed a guy
who said there were too many
bigfoot.
They were overpopulating and bee
had to cull the herds to save
the species.
Fun fact: I interviewed those
guys on the same day, and either
one of them would make a better
Attorney General than Matt
Whitaker because...
(
cheers and applause )
Because I know they both
believed it.
Whitaker might have just been
cashing a check to push this
bull, because he was on the paid
advisory board of this
company that was so all-in on
bigfoot, they had a web site
selling bigfoot paraphernalia
and planned a celebrity event
called "you have been
squatched!"
But Whitaker wasnt just working
for bigfoot hucksters.
They were also selling a time
travel, which they said could be
"possible, perhaps within the
next decade," suggesting users
might "relive moments from your
past" or "visit your future."
It is possible.
It is possible.
Lets visit the future together.
Here we go.
( Laughter ) (
applause )
And here we are.
( Cheers ) Wow!
Wow!
I didnt see me hosting this
show.
Now, you might wonder, how could
anyone fall for such an odorous
pile of bigfoot poop?
Well, theres a video which has
a lot of text in it that they
used to sell the idea of time
travel.
Im going to read the text out
loud for you as we show it.
Jim: What if...
Time travel wasnt just an idea
but a reality?
What would you do?
Which way would you go?
Would you relive moments from
your past... or visit your
douchebag future?
Step into the fourth dimension.
Wall street said we couldnt
do it."
Also, science street,
engineering street, physics
street, and the federal trade
commission, because... because,
again, whitakers company was
shut down for
defrauding investors out of
$26 million.
So, this has all been fun,
right?
Bigfoot, time travel.
Fraud.
You cant ask for more.
And yet, the Matt Whitaker
giveth because I invite you now
to join me in viewing the best
product the new Attorney General
of the United States ever helped
sell the world: The extra-deep
"masculine toilet" for the
well-endowed.
( Laughter )
Lord, I dont know what I did to
deserve Matthew Whitaker, but I
want to thank you from the
bottom of my heart and from the
bottom of my I now see feminine
toilet.
The idea behind this actual
patent application supported by
the Attorney General of the
United States is that
well-endowed men would dip a,
lets say, toe in the water of a
regular toilet.
And heres the actual patent
application drawing, showing
that on the manly throne, the
distance between the rim and the
water is at least 12 inches.
Now, to the men out there: If
you need this toilet, youre not
"extra masculine."
You are in need of medical
attention.
Either that, or...
Youre bigfoot!
And this whole thing... this
whole thing was just a clever
plan to lure
sasquatch out of the woods with
the promise of a toilet that
could finally accommodate his
mighty sequoia.
( Laughter )
Youve been squatched!
( Cheers and applause )
All true.
All true.
Not make any of this up.
I also want to point out that
whenever I try to Google hints
for the new "Zelda" game at
work, I get blocked by the CBS
firewall.
But this morning, and this is
true, the writers
working on this script googled
"worlds longest penis"... no
problem.
Also, congratulations to Jonah
falcon of Brooklyn, New York.
Contact the Attorney General
about a toilet that might be
right for you.
Heres their description of,
again, the masculine toilet.
"The average male genitalia is
between five and six inches.
However, this invention is
designed for those of us who
measure longer than that."
Did you catch that?
"Those of us?"
Oh, oh, did I let the cat out of
the bag?
By the way, its the size of
a cat.
( Laughter )
You dont want to hear about the
bag!
Now, I know what youre
thinking.
Youre thinking this is great
news for my penis, but does the
Attorney General of the united
states, Matt Whitaker, have
anything for my testicles?
Dont worry.
World patent marketing also had
a product called snowballs,
cooling underwear designed to
maximize fertility by lowering
the temperature of your
testicles and help you optimize
the production of natural
testosterone.
Yes, snowballs make you more
fertile, assuming you can find a
woman willing to have sex with
your ice-cold junk.
( Laughter ) (
applause )
♪ Frosty the snowman
so, how does a flim-flam man
like Matt Whitaker become the
top law enforcement officer of
the United States?
Well, obviously, the same way
you sell time travel... with a
video.
What if?
Not only did the Mueller
investigation end, what if
Robert Mueller was never born?
Also, maybe dont have Eric?
Wall street said we couldnt
do it.
So did Albert Einstein.
Way to go, Einstein.
Create your own future time
travel.
Bigfoot.
Extra-masculine toilets.
Can bigfoot stop Robert Mueller
on a time-travelling, extra-
masculine toilet?
If you think this is a fantasy,
you have some sick fantasies.
Step into the 12-inch dimension.
Matt Whitaker for attorney
general...
Of the future.
We have the technology.
Technology powered by Jesus."
( Title flushing ) (
cheers and applause )
Weve got a great show for you
tonight.
Ricky gervais is here.
But when we return, Trump is
about to do something weird.
Stick around.
( Band playing ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back!
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
back to the show, everybody.
You know, what is this
Wednesday?
On Friday, Trump is awarding the
presidential medals of freedom.
Its the highest honor a
civilian can receive from the
president.
Except, of course, never being
photographed in the same room
with him.
The thing is, its a really
weird chex mix of recipients,
including n.F.L. Hall of famers
Roger staubach and Allan page.
Also, Miriam adelson, wife of
billionaire republican donor
Sheldon adelson; Senator orrin
hatch; The late supreme court
justice antonin scalia; Babe
Ruth; And Elvis.
Thats a crazy list of people (
laughter )
The only thing they all have in
common is none of them know what
orrin hatch did to get the
presidential medal of freedom.
These presidential medals of
freedom are kind of like the
roses on "the bachelor" in that
its not normal to give them to
this many dead people.
And, yet, Elvis is being honored
for defining American culture to
billions of adoring fans around
the world.
Or maybe the president has
secret files that Elvis is
still alive, and hes just doing
this to flush him out.
That would explain why he left
the medal under a box propped up
by a stick.
( Laughter )
Youve been squatched!
So, what were the criteria for
putting together such a random
grouping of people?
Well, its completely at the
presidents discretion and...
Wait, im being told trumps
just added more recipients,
including kid rock, tan mom, guy
fieri, Ronald McDonald, those
fat motorcycle twins, a porn
star who didnt talk, and a
bucket of chicken.
( Laughter ) (
as Trump )
"Bucket of chicken, bucket...
Bucket of chicken, today we
honor your service to the
colonel.
In a divided nation, you brought
together white and dark meat in
an extra-value meal of
brotherhood.
You truly were extra crispy."
Well be right back with Ricky
gervais.
( Band playing ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to the show already
in progress.
Folks, my first guest is an Emmy
award-winning comedian who
created "the office" and
"extras."
You can hear him every week on
Sirius radio.
Please welcome back to "the late
show," Ricky gervais.
♪ ♪ (
applause )
♪ ♪ (
applause )
( Cheers and applause ) >> Wow.
Look at this.
Stephen: Lovely.
Yeah.
( Cheers and applause )
Thats... thats amazing.
Thats amazing.
Thank you.
Thats... thats...
Stephen: Delightful.
Dont edit that at all.
Stephen: Oh, no.
Thats... thats the nicest
welcome ive ever had.
( Cheers and applause )
Thats... thank you.
Stephen: Welcome back.
Thank you.
Stephen: We have not seen
you in a while.
Whats kept you away?
What have you been doing?
Getting fatter and older?
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Hows the health?
How are you doing?
Well, its just slightly
worse every time, isnt it?
Thats what its like now.
Im closer... closer to death.
( Laughter ) Every day.
Stephen: Keep it light.
Keep it light.
Keep it light.
Do you think about death a lot?
No, I dont care about it at
all.
Stephen: You dont care
about dying!
No, I dont care about being
dead because I wont know about
it gr you dont know...
That is best thing about deeg
deadue dont know about it.
Its like being stupid... its
only painful for others.
So I dont...
Stephen: I guess so.
I guess so.
Ill buy that.
Maybe.
Stephen: Yeah, maybe.
We dont know.
Stephen: You dont know.
Are you...
I might know.
You dont know.
Stephen: If you were dying.
Yeah.
Stephen: Would you tell
people, like, some people who
are dying tell people.
And others just sort of... some
people, quite famously tell no
one, and the next moment theyre
gone.
Would you tell people?
I dont know.
That is my... that is my worst
fear knowing when im going to
die.
I dont care about dying... well,
depending on how you die.
I dont want to...
Stephen: Fall face-first
into a wood chipper or anything
like that.
Yeah, exactly.
Or land on a spike.
It just comes...
( Laughter )
Stephen: Whats this?
What... are you jazz hands?
( Laughter ) Big finish!
Year, the show must go on!
Yeah!
No, no.
I dont know.
But just knowing, you know... I
dont...
Stephen: I wouldnt...
Ive told all my family
individually, secretly, ive
told them that im going to
leave them all my money.
( Laughter )
Stephen: Each of them.
Each of them year,
individually, but to keep it
quiet until the funeral, and
then im not going to do a will.
Its going to be a (bleep)
Bloodbath.
Stephen: You can say that,
right?
You can say that.
That will be fine.
( Laughter )
Would you... would you describe
your outlook towards death as
stoic?
I just think theres no choice.
I cant... you cant think about
it.
We are going to die.
Were all going to die.
Stephen: Is that a British
outlook, particularly British.
I dont think so, I dont
think so.
I think most people in britain...
I dont want to die!
I... I love living!
Its brilliant!
Its the best thing ever.
Right?
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Yeah.
Something instead of nothing is
definitely better.
Exactly.
But I mean... and I think people
on Twitter they know im an
atheist and they say things
like, "what was it like after
you die?"
And I said, "what was like the
13.5 billion years before you
were born?
I think its like that."
I think its like tourists.
We didnt exist for 13.5 billion
years, then we have 80, 90
years, if were licky and we go
back to never existing again so
you have to make the most of it.
Its amaze, life.
Its brilliant.
Theres so much to live for.
( Cheers and applause ).
Stephen: I like the before
we were here the same as after
were here.
Oh, thats interesting.
So you say youre an atheist.
Still an atheist?
Has that softened in any way,
your 80ism.
I only believe in three or
four god.
No.
Stephen: As you approach
your final boards as they say,
you dont say, may maybe ill
hedge my bets and light a
candle."
Just in case.
Like pascalls wager.
People say, "why dont you
pray just in case theres a
god."
And I say, "why dont you hang
garlic over your door in case
theres a Dracula."
I have no problem with praying
...
Stephen: If 95% of people
in America believed there was a
Dracula, I might hang a garlic
on my door.
Its not... its not the same.
Exactly.
It has nothing to do with the
credibility of the truth.
Has to do with the plafort idea.
Stephen: Right, because the
majority is always sane.
Well, exactly, yeah.
( Applause ).
Stephen: Thats the herd
instinct.
Imagine if you were the only
person in the world to believe
in god, it would be odd,
wouldnt it?
Stephen: Well, I would be
committed.
I would be committed to an
insane asylum.
And thats you saying, that
not me.
You do believe in god.
Stephen: I do believe in
god, yeah.
Exactly.
Exactly that.
Its... and there are so many
different god to believe in.
Stephen: Yeah.
( Laughter )
If you had to... how about this...
If you had to pick a god...
( Laughter )
If you had to pick a god, and
has to be one that people
worship.
You cant say Stan Lee.
If you had to pick a god, who
would you pick?
Thorpe.
( Applause )
Stephen: I said you cant
pick Stan Lee.
So why Thor?
Big hammer.
Stephen: Is there any part
of the Jesus story that you
like?
I love Jesus.
I thought it was great.
I grew up, I was Christian until
I was about eight.
Stephen: Eight.
Yeah.
Stephen: Thats pretty
early to toss out the baby Jesus
with the bath water.
What... what... what turned you
around there, kid?
I remember I was doing Bible
studies and my brother came in,
he was older than me, he was
about 11 years older than me,
and he said, "why do you believe
in god?"
And my mom went, "Bob."
And I knew she was stopping him
telling me something.
And I thought about it, and
within about an hour, thats how
it worked out.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Thats... oh, okay.
All right.
Thats interesting.
Yeah.
Stephen: Yeah.
No, I... I like the idea of
it.
I love the idea of them, you
know, Jesus...
Stephen: You like sermon on
the mount.
I like Jesus, not because he
was half-god or whitewater?
Stephen: Half god.
Well, I dont know, do I?
I dont know.
What was he, all god, wasnt he.
Stephen: God from god,
light from light.
Its just a... its just a parlor
trick.
Its just a parlor trick.
Its a crowd pleaser.
I do the nicean creed to warm up
the audience every night.
Well do confession of faith and
everything.
I like the idea of it.
I like the fact he was a kind
person and all that.
But as Gandhi said, you know, "I
like your Christ.
I do not like your christians.
They are so unlike your Christ."
And I think the problem is... do
you know what I mean, though?
Stephen: Sure.
Im a Christian.
Im totally un-chist like.
There are good and bad
christians, and there are good
and bad atheists.
And I think god has nothing to
do with whether you are good or
not.
Stephen: If god doesnt
give you comfort, what does?
Dogs.
( Cheers and applause ).
Stephen: Thats lovely.
Yeah.
Stephen: I... I believe...
I believe in dogs.
Stephen: Its god spelled
backwards.
Dogs are amazing.
Dogs are amaze ago yeah,
exactly.
Stephen: They are, that
unconditional love.
Yeah.
Same as... same as your guy.
Stephen: Right, right,
yeah.
( Laughter )
But if you dont love dog
back, it doesnt burn you in
hell.
It still loves you.
It licks you.
Stephen: It might be upset
if it can tell you dont love
it.
It might just be sad.
A dog... a dog loves you more
than it loves itself.
Stephen: Yeah.
And thats why I worship dogs.
( Laughter ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: You have a new...
You have a new... you have a
new... new?
Is it new the Sirius show?
No, its been going for a while.
Its me chatting to... it started
off with the highfalutin ideas
when talking to Richard do, in
and the astronomers and its me
and my mates.
Stephen: Its called
"deadly Sirius."
Yes, and its me and a bunch
of comedians talking about the
big issues: Why are we here?
Whats the point?
Stephen: You talk with
people you enjoy talking with,
comed expansion all that.
Yes, its funny.
Stephen: You have never
invited me on.
Youre welcome.
Next time... you are very often.
Stephen: How often do you
do it?
I do about 30, 40 a year, so
next time...
Stephen: And where do you
do it?
I do it in London and new
York...
Stephen: I cant do it.
I can travel.
I can do it in New York.
Stephen: I would love it
come on.
Well have an hour debate
about the meaning of life and
why were here.
Stephen: Okay, that would
be great.
And whats going to happen.
Stephen: Because we can
only do 10 minutes here,
unfortunately.
And thats going to be cut.
Stephen: Yeah, were
definitely taking out the part
where they cheer for you.
( Laughter ) Good to see you.
His Sirius radio show is called
"deadly Sirius." Ricky gervais,
everybody!
Well be right back with the new
host of "CBS this morning,"
bianna golodryga.
♪ ♪
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to "the late show."
Folks, my next guest is an
accomplished journalist who
recently became a co-host of
"CBS this morning."
Please welcome to "the late
show," bianna golodryga.
♪ ♪ (
Applause )
Hi!
This is exciting.
Thanks for having me.
Stephen: Welcome, welcome
to "the late show."
Wow!
Ive made it in life.
Stephen: Well see.
Well see.
Well see how it goes.
Stephen: Congratulations on
being named new cohoist of "CBS
this morning."
Thank you.
- >> Stephen: Whats that... (
- Applause ).
Thank you.
Im... im biased, but I think
its the best morning show on
television.
Stephen: I would say... I
would say the same or else
theyd shoot a dart into my
neck.
But I happen to believe it.
I watch it every morning.
I see you every morning from
7:00 to 7:20.
Where was John dickerson this
morning?
John dickerson had the day off.
The first day I think hes taken
off in 150 days.
Stephen: Hes such a diva.
Hes such a human.
Stephen: He is, exactly.
The hair and makeup time that
that man requires.
Its unbelievable!
Stephen: You did g.M.A.,
weekend g.M.A. For years, right?
I did.
I did for four years.
Stephen: So this is like
water off a ducks back.
Rolling up on the of the bed
again.
Stephen: What time do you
have to be there in the morning?
I get about there about 5:15.
I get out of bed at 4:20,
shower, dress, dress a little
bit for the show, ear buds in my
ear, and get in the car.
Stephen: Does any of that
go out the window?
Like, does showering have to
wait until tomorrow?
There are a few nights gli
dont do my show until 5:35 at
night, and sometimes I dont
have time to bathe, either.
Luckily, luckily, we have a
great hair and makeup team that
are prepared for emergencies
like that.
Stephen: Today, the white
house responded to cnns suit
over Jim acostas press pass
being pulled, and fox news, I
think, filed an amicus brief.
Yeah.
Stephen: On their behalf.
The White House said that they
can use broad discretion as to
who is allowed into the white
house.
How do you think that the press
should respond to that... that
attitude from the White House?
I actually think this is an
issue that weve been grappling
with since this presidents been
elected, if know while he was
campaigning, before the
election.
You dont want to be the story
as the media.
And there have been times where
I think too much of the
attention has been focused on
us, the reporters.
And by CNN going the route of
saying, you know what, were not
going to cover Jim acostas
press pass being revoked on a
daily basis hour after hour, but
we are going to handle it
legally, because this is our
first amendment right.
And as an immigrant to this
country, I appreciate that first
amendment right more than most
people do and can understand.
So I think they handled it
correctly.
Stephen: You... immigrant to
this country...
From the former Soviet union.
Stephen: From the former
Soviet union.
Are... what do you think... you
read Russian, right?
I do.
Stephen: You do read
Russian.
What is the... in Russia, what do
they say about the relationship
between Donald Trump and
Vladimir putin?
Well, the best thing about it
for Vladimir putin is that it
takes the focus away from
domestic policy and domestic
issues there at home.
And theyve got a lot of
problems.
Stephen: Is he liked there?
Is putin liked in Russia?
He is liked, though I would
say his approval rating is
declining significantly since
hes won re-election...
"Re-election."
( Laughter ) (
applause )
Its true.
Its true.
Stephen: Why "re-election?"
The president called him and
congratulated hoim his
re-election?
And who did he run against?
Stephen: Some dead guy, im
guessing.
( Laughter ).
You know, this is... this is
something that the Russians are
having a hard time grappling
with, trying to understand this
president, his administration,
his policies.
Stephen: Our president.
Our president.
Stephen: And why are they
having trouble understanding
that?
Because, on the one hand, if
the president says something
fawning about Vladimir putin or
you have Helsinki, case in
point, where they had a two-hour
meeting that nobody still to
this day knows what transpired,
then they say okay, hes clearly
in our favor, on our side.
But the next day, they can arm
the Ukrainians, issue new
sanctions.
And then say they, "listen,
whats the tactic here?
We dont really understand.
Oh, we know.
Hes beholden to the democrats.
He really isnt as powerful as
our presidents here."
Stephen: In Russia, do they
believe theres a deep state
over here?
Oh, sure.
Theres conspiracy... conspiracy
theories go back before putin.
They go back decades in Russian
media.
Stephen: What do you make
of, like a photograph like this?
I mean, you can believe this?
Did you see this?
It was the one time you saw the
president smile it was almost
pavlovian.
You see macron... this is
Vladimir putin.
Macron, Angela merkel, and I
think this is the one smile we
saw from the president.
♪ My boyfriends back
really happy.
( Applause )
Well, so nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Stephen: Ill see you
tomorrow morning at 7:00 A.M.
( Applause ).
Thank you.
Stephen: You can see her on
"CBS this morning" weekday
mornings at 7:00 on CBS.
Bianna golodryga, everybody!
Well be right back with chef
Flynn mcgarry.
♪ ♪
( Applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to "the late show."
Folks, my next guest is a chef
who is called a prodigy by "the
new yorker" when he was just 13
years old.
Now at the ripe old age of 19 he
has his own restaurant in new
York called gem.
Please welcome chef Flynn
mcgarry.
Nice to meet you.
What are we making today?
Were going to make beats.
Stephen: I love beats.
First im told we have to
pout these goggles and gloves.
Stephen: These are buzz
kills.
Which is a great way to start
cooking some root vegetables.
And gloves.
Stephen: Now why... why do I
need to wear goggles to cook
beats.
You dont want the red in
your eye s.
Stephen: All right.
So, essentially, we have
beats, theyve been braised,
soaked, and dried and we do that
to them twice.
Stephen: Wait a second,
theyve been braised, smoked,
and dried and we rehydrate them,
dry them again, and smoke them
again.
Stephen: Okay, they are
hard to kill, evidently.
Yes.
So that is the beat we have
here.
Stephen: Theres the beat?
Youre going to take your
pair of tweezers.
Yes.
Youre going to stab the beat.
Stephen: Done.
Youre going to dip it into
the liquid nitrogen.
Stephen: We have liquid
nitrogen?
Yes.
Its freezing just the outside
of the beat.
Stephen: Okay.
Now youre going to pick it
back out, and dip it in this,
which is bees wax.
Stephen: Excellent now, why
did I do that?
( Laughter )
Because I do not associate... and
im sure this is going to be
delicious.
Yes.
Stephen: I dont associate
beeswax with deliciousness.
It turns out it is.
Goggles off now?
Goggles off.
I think were safe.
Essentially we do that.
Its a very traditional way of
preserving things.
We do that and let them age for
two weeks.
We hang them...
Stephen: Wait.
So I dont eat this for two
weeks!
You dont eat this for two
weeks.
You have to wait two more weeks.
Stephen: I understand I
shouldnt eat fast food, but
thats ridiculous.
After two weeks, we have them
here.
Stephen: Theyve been in
there for two weeks.
Now why, why, on gods green
earth did I wait two weeks to
eat it?
To eat this.
I cant really tell you.
But it sounds really good.
Doesnt it?
Two-week-old beat.
Stephen: You are a guest,
so I will say yes.
Essentially what, its doing
is... is the sugars in the beat
are being pulled to the outside,
and its... the flavor is
intensifying, and when we
caramelize it later it creates
awe crust on it.
Stephen: Wait, you mean
were not done cooking this damn
thing yet?
This has not died yet.
Stephen: I didnt have
girlfriends that lasted as long
as this damn dish.
I dont usually use a mallet
but were on TV so it seems like
we should use a malgillette the
mallet was our idea?
The mallet was a discussion.
They said, "Stephen likes
mallets.
Stephen: Ive broken it
off.
I get all the wax off because we
dont want the wax?
You dont eat the wax.
The wax... the place were
getting the wax from, its bees
that eat a lot of blackberrys,
so it has this sort of... you get
these black Berry notes from the
wax.
Stephen: This wax is...
Dont eat the wax but...
Stephen: I wasnt going to.
Its black Berry-flavored wax?
Somewhat.
It could be said.
You get subtle notes of black
Berry.
Stephen: I feel like youre
punk meeg this entire time.
For the actual dish, we have
the Greens from the beats that
weve wilted with a little bit
of cream.
Stephen: Okay.
Same two-week-old beats?
These are fresh beats.
Were going to season these with
a little bit of lemon juice and
a little salt.
Stephen: That liquid
nitrogen...
See, you can put whatever you
want in that and it makes it...
It makes it fun.
Stephen: Yeah, there you
go.
Let that sit there...
I dont think youre allowed
to do that without the goggle s.
Stephen: Im doing it
anyway.
Its my (bleep) Show.
So now we get some really hot
butter.
Stephen: Okay, great.
Were Browning.
Stephen: Oh, its au
burnier.
I can be fancy, too.
You just need the one.
This is the final one.
Stephen: My lemon is
frozen.
Stephen: Your lemon is
frozen.
( Laughter )
Stephen: I do like mallets.
You do like malets.
Malets are very dangerous
things.
Stephen: Lets plate.
Youre going to plate.
Im not plating.
Stephen: I come over here.
This is your plate.
This is what youre trying to
make.
Stephen: Thank you very
much.
Thank you for not breaking my
plate.
I brought it.
A little spoon full just like
that.
Stephen: Which goes first,
this?
That is first, it goes right
there.
A little bit less but thats
fine.
Dont take it off now.
Stephen: Im a hungry man.
Grab your beat.
Shake it a little bit.
Stephen: Tuck it like that?
Tuck it next to it.
So far, sod if good.
Put that back in there.
We mack a orubdelais, like
reduced fat and meat and very
flavorful stuff.
We made with the beats.
Instead of a beef bourdelais,
its beef bourdelais?
Exactly.
I start on the beat usually.
Stephen: Well I do it the
other way.
Get your own damn show.
And a little bit of this action?
A little bit of that on there.
Stephen: Okay.
I mean, not quite like that...
Thats a lot.
Okay.
Thats fine.
It is your show.
You can put however much salt
you want.
Stephen: Take that off.
Great!
I dont know... I dont know if
people...
Stephen: Can I try it?
Yeah!
Stephen: Can I try it?
Go for it.
Stephen: Do you want to
trite other half of it?
Im okay.
Stephen: Youve had it.
Ive eaten this too many times.
I dont really like beats,
but...
( Laughter ) (
applause ).
Stephen: Now how long went
into this beat?
Lets recap this.
How long ago did the process of
cooking this beat start?
About two and a half weeks ago.
Stephen: For...
For that.
Stephen: Okay.
( Laughter )
Its a good beat.
Stephen: Thats the best
damn beat ive ever had.
( Cheers and applause )
Flynn, the documentary about his
life, "chef Flynn" is in
theaters now.
Chef Flynn mcgarry, everybody.
Well be right back.
That was fantastic!
Stephen: Thats it for the
"late show."
Tune in tomorrow when my guests
will be Ben stiller, jemelle
hill and musical guest, jorja
Smith.
Now stick around for James
corden.
Good night!
the White House has
reportedly create aid new
strategy of policy time to get
President Trump to focus on
work.
Policy time was instituted by
chief of staff John Kelly in an
effort to get the president to
zero if on policy issues
♪ policy time
put down your phone
♪ these are things your brain
should no with Kelly the dog
and pump the president
we know youd rather golf
♪ policy time
listen up, President Trump,
NATO or the north Atlantic
treaty organization was created
after world war ii to prevent
intercontinental war from ever
happening again.
( Clears throat )
NATO has kept peace for almost
70 years between European
countries by making them allies.
And theyre our allies.
Allies means friends.
And friends are good!
Aaaarrgghhhhad!
Its "the late show with
Stephen Colbert."
Tonight, post-midterm melt down.
Plus, Stephen welcomes
Ricky gervais
bianna golodryga
and chef Flynn mcgarry.
Featuring Jon batiste and stay
human.
And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York
city, its Stephen Colbert!
( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Wooo!
How are you?
Nice, nice, nice, nice.
Please, sit down, everybody!
Up there!
Down here!
Welcome to "the late show,"
ladies and gentlemen.
Im your host, Stephen Colbert.
( Cheers and applause )
I dont know why youre excited,
but that blue wave keeps
crashing on the beach.
In the last 24 hours, two tight
house races have been called for
democrats, one in California and
one in New Jersey.
( Cheers and applause )
Jon: They call them.
Stephen: You enjoy that?
I enjoyed that.
You know whos not enjoying last
Tuesdays election?
The guy who lost, Donald Trump.
Sources say stung by the
midterms and nervous about
Mueller, Trump has retreated
into a cocoon of bitterness
and resentment.
Yes, Trump is ending his larval
stage and in a few weeks will
emerge as a hideous race-baiting
butterfly.
( Laughter )
One... one aide says the
president is consumed by "trying
to decide who to blame" for
Republicans election losses.
Really?
Does he not own a mirror?
- ( Laughter ) (
- As Trump )
"You did it, mirror man.
Stop copying everything I say
and do, okay."
With Trump lashing out in every
direction, its no wonder that
"most staffers are trying to
avoid him."
Yes, theyre all holed up in the
one place hell never go: A
salad bar.
( Laughter )
But this is all par for the
course.
As one official who used to work
in the White House put it, "the
Trump administration has been so
consistently off the rails that
days like today just blend into
everything else."
Ah, just one of those typical
days where each moment of hollow
malice blends into the next,
when the future and past narrow
into a speck of dim rage racing
forever into the vacuum of the
presidents mangled,
unquenchable ego.
Mondays, am I right?
( Cheers and applause )
And its not just the election.
The president caught a lot of
flack for bailing on the
wreath-laying ceremony in France
on Saturday.
And "Trump told aides he thought
he looked terrible and blamed
his chief of staffs office for
not counseling him that skipping
the cemetery visit would be a
public relations nightmare."
( Laughter ) (
as Trump )
"Look, why didnt you tell me
that not honoring fallen
soldiers on veterans day would
make me look bad?
Now, if youll excuse me, im
going to stick my tongue in that
light socket.
Nobody talk till ive done it."
Trumps also getting criticized
for his latest hire: Acting
Attorney General and roid-rage
Lima bean...
( Laughter ) Matt Whitaker.
Were learning some interesting
stuff about whitakers past.
For instance, his 2014 run for
the g.O.P. Senate nomination in
Iowa.
Now, he lost, but while
campaigning, heres what
he said was criteria for his
judges:
ID like to see things like
their worldview, what informs
them.
How have they lived their life?
Are they people of faith?
Do they have a biblical view of
justice?
Which I think is very important
because we all know that our
government...
Levitical or new testament?
( Laughter )
Im a new testament, and
what I know is... is, as long as
they have that worldview, that
theyll be a good judge.
Stephen: In the opinion of
the present Attorney General of
the United States, if youre not
a Christian, you wont be a good
judge.
But its right there in the
constitution:
( Laughter )
Now, I want to warn...
( Cheers and applause )
Constitution lovers.
Jon: Constitution fans
right there in the house.
Stephen: I want to warn our
viewers that have allergies that
this next headline is nuts.
Because today we learned that
the acting Attorney General of
these United States, Matthew
Whitaker, is steeped in time
travel and bigfoot.
Now, before we go any further,
I just want to say that theres
serious debate over whether
whitakers appointment is
unconstitutional and might
obstruct justice.
But, tonight, daddy dont give a
damn.
I want to talk about time-
traveling big foot man!
Heres the deal... this is true...
Whitaker was a paid advisor and
hot-tub pitchman for a company
called world patent marketing.
Well, in 2013, whitakers
company claimed to have "d.N.A.
Evidence proving that bigfoot
exists."
Now, quick aside: I worked for
"the daily show" way back in the
day, before Craig kilbourn.
I interviewed a lot bigfoot
enthusiasts in my day.
For instance once I interviewed
a guy who said bigfoot was in
dangers and we had to have
breeding pairs to breed them in
activity to save the species.
Another time I interviewed a guy
who said there were too many
bigfoot.
They were overpopulating and bee
had to cull the herds to save
the species.
Fun fact: I interviewed those
guys on the same day, and either
one of them would make a better
Attorney General than Matt
Whitaker because...
(
cheers and applause )
Because I know they both
believed it.
Whitaker might have just been
cashing a check to push this
bull, because he was on the paid
advisory board of this
company that was so all-in on
bigfoot, they had a web site
selling bigfoot paraphernalia
and planned a celebrity event
called "you have been
squatched!"
But Whitaker wasnt just working
for bigfoot hucksters.
They were also selling a time
travel, which they said could be
"possible, perhaps within the
next decade," suggesting users
might "relive moments from your
past" or "visit your future."
It is possible.
It is possible.
Lets visit the future together.
Here we go.
( Laughter ) (
applause )
And here we are.
( Cheers ) Wow!
Wow!
I didnt see me hosting this
show.
Now, you might wonder, how could
anyone fall for such an odorous
pile of bigfoot poop?
Well, theres a video which has
a lot of text in it that they
used to sell the idea of time
travel.
Im going to read the text out
loud for you as we show it.
Jim: What if...
Time travel wasnt just an idea
but a reality?
What would you do?
Which way would you go?
Would you relive moments from
your past... or visit your
douchebag future?
Step into the fourth dimension.
Wall street said we couldnt
do it."
Also, science street,
engineering street, physics
street, and the federal trade
commission, because... because,
again, whitakers company was
shut down for
defrauding investors out of
$26 million.
So, this has all been fun,
right?
Bigfoot, time travel.
Fraud.
You cant ask for more.
And yet, the Matt Whitaker
giveth because I invite you now
to join me in viewing the best
product the new Attorney General
of the United States ever helped
sell the world: The extra-deep
"masculine toilet" for the
well-endowed.
( Laughter )
Lord, I dont know what I did to
deserve Matthew Whitaker, but I
want to thank you from the
bottom of my heart and from the
bottom of my I now see feminine
toilet.
The idea behind this actual
patent application supported by
the Attorney General of the
United States is that
well-endowed men would dip a,
lets say, toe in the water of a
regular toilet.
And heres the actual patent
application drawing, showing
that on the manly throne, the
distance between the rim and the
water is at least 12 inches.
Now, to the men out there: If
you need this toilet, youre not
"extra masculine."
You are in need of medical
attention.
Either that, or...
Youre bigfoot!
And this whole thing... this
whole thing was just a clever
plan to lure
sasquatch out of the woods with
the promise of a toilet that
could finally accommodate his
mighty sequoia.
( Laughter )
Youve been squatched!
( Cheers and applause )
All true.
All true.
Not make any of this up.
I also want to point out that
whenever I try to Google hints
for the new "Zelda" game at
work, I get blocked by the CBS
firewall.
But this morning, and this is
true, the writers
working on this script googled
"worlds longest penis"... no
problem.
Also, congratulations to Jonah
falcon of Brooklyn, New York.
Contact the Attorney General
about a toilet that might be
right for you.
Heres their description of,
again, the masculine toilet.
"The average male genitalia is
between five and six inches.
However, this invention is
designed for those of us who
measure longer than that."
Did you catch that?
"Those of us?"
Oh, oh, did I let the cat out of
the bag?
By the way, its the size of
a cat.
( Laughter )
You dont want to hear about the
bag!
Now, I know what youre
thinking.
Youre thinking this is great
news for my penis, but does the
Attorney General of the united
states, Matt Whitaker, have
anything for my testicles?
Dont worry.
World patent marketing also had
a product called snowballs,
cooling underwear designed to
maximize fertility by lowering
the temperature of your
testicles and help you optimize
the production of natural
testosterone.
Yes, snowballs make you more
fertile, assuming you can find a
woman willing to have sex with
your ice-cold junk.
( Laughter ) (
applause )
♪ Frosty the snowman
so, how does a flim-flam man
like Matt Whitaker become the
top law enforcement officer of
the United States?
Well, obviously, the same way
you sell time travel... with a
video.
What if?
Not only did the Mueller
investigation end, what if
Robert Mueller was never born?
Also, maybe dont have Eric?
Wall street said we couldnt
do it.
So did Albert Einstein.
Way to go, Einstein.
Create your own future time
travel.
Bigfoot.
Extra-masculine toilets.
Can bigfoot stop Robert Mueller
on a time-travelling, extra-
masculine toilet?
If you think this is a fantasy,
you have some sick fantasies.
Step into the 12-inch dimension.
Matt Whitaker for attorney
general...
Of the future.
We have the technology.
Technology powered by Jesus."
( Title flushing ) (
cheers and applause )
Weve got a great show for you
tonight.
Ricky gervais is here.
But when we return, Trump is
about to do something weird.
Stick around.
( Band playing ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back!
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
back to the show, everybody.
You know, what is this
Wednesday?
On Friday, Trump is awarding the
presidential medals of freedom.
Its the highest honor a
civilian can receive from the
president.
Except, of course, never being
photographed in the same room
with him.
The thing is, its a really
weird chex mix of recipients,
including n.F.L. Hall of famers
Roger staubach and Allan page.
Also, Miriam adelson, wife of
billionaire republican donor
Sheldon adelson; Senator orrin
hatch; The late supreme court
justice antonin scalia; Babe
Ruth; And Elvis.
Thats a crazy list of people (
laughter )
The only thing they all have in
common is none of them know what
orrin hatch did to get the
presidential medal of freedom.
These presidential medals of
freedom are kind of like the
roses on "the bachelor" in that
its not normal to give them to
this many dead people.
And, yet, Elvis is being honored
for defining American culture to
billions of adoring fans around
the world.
Or maybe the president has
secret files that Elvis is
still alive, and hes just doing
this to flush him out.
That would explain why he left
the medal under a box propped up
by a stick.
( Laughter )
Youve been squatched!
So, what were the criteria for
putting together such a random
grouping of people?
Well, its completely at the
presidents discretion and...
Wait, im being told trumps
just added more recipients,
including kid rock, tan mom, guy
fieri, Ronald McDonald, those
fat motorcycle twins, a porn
star who didnt talk, and a
bucket of chicken.
( Laughter ) (
as Trump )
"Bucket of chicken, bucket...
Bucket of chicken, today we
honor your service to the
colonel.
In a divided nation, you brought
together white and dark meat in
an extra-value meal of
brotherhood.
You truly were extra crispy."
Well be right back with Ricky
gervais.
( Band playing ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to the show already
in progress.
Folks, my first guest is an Emmy
award-winning comedian who
created "the office" and
"extras."
You can hear him every week on
Sirius radio.
Please welcome back to "the late
show," Ricky gervais.
♪ ♪ (
applause )
♪ ♪ (
applause )
( Cheers and applause ) >> Wow.
Look at this.
Stephen: Lovely.
Yeah.
( Cheers and applause )
Thats... thats amazing.
Thats amazing.
Thank you.
Thats... thats...
Stephen: Delightful.
Dont edit that at all.
Stephen: Oh, no.
Thats... thats the nicest
welcome ive ever had.
( Cheers and applause )
Thats... thank you.
Stephen: Welcome back.
Thank you.
Stephen: We have not seen
you in a while.
Whats kept you away?
What have you been doing?
Getting fatter and older?
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Hows the health?
How are you doing?
Well, its just slightly
worse every time, isnt it?
Thats what its like now.
Im closer... closer to death.
( Laughter ) Every day.
Stephen: Keep it light.
Keep it light.
Keep it light.
Do you think about death a lot?
No, I dont care about it at
all.
Stephen: You dont care
about dying!
No, I dont care about being
dead because I wont know about
it gr you dont know...
That is best thing about deeg
deadue dont know about it.
Its like being stupid... its
only painful for others.
So I dont...
Stephen: I guess so.
I guess so.
Ill buy that.
Maybe.
Stephen: Yeah, maybe.
We dont know.
Stephen: You dont know.
Are you...
I might know.
You dont know.
Stephen: If you were dying.
Yeah.
Stephen: Would you tell
people, like, some people who
are dying tell people.
And others just sort of... some
people, quite famously tell no
one, and the next moment theyre
gone.
Would you tell people?
I dont know.
That is my... that is my worst
fear knowing when im going to
die.
I dont care about dying... well,
depending on how you die.
I dont want to...
Stephen: Fall face-first
into a wood chipper or anything
like that.
Yeah, exactly.
Or land on a spike.
It just comes...
( Laughter )
Stephen: Whats this?
What... are you jazz hands?
( Laughter ) Big finish!
Year, the show must go on!
Yeah!
No, no.
I dont know.
But just knowing, you know... I
dont...
Stephen: I wouldnt...
Ive told all my family
individually, secretly, ive
told them that im going to
leave them all my money.
( Laughter )
Stephen: Each of them.
Each of them year,
individually, but to keep it
quiet until the funeral, and
then im not going to do a will.
Its going to be a (bleep)
Bloodbath.
Stephen: You can say that,
right?
You can say that.
That will be fine.
( Laughter )
Would you... would you describe
your outlook towards death as
stoic?
I just think theres no choice.
I cant... you cant think about
it.
We are going to die.
Were all going to die.
Stephen: Is that a British
outlook, particularly British.
I dont think so, I dont
think so.
I think most people in britain...
I dont want to die!
I... I love living!
Its brilliant!
Its the best thing ever.
Right?
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Yeah.
Something instead of nothing is
definitely better.
Exactly.
But I mean... and I think people
on Twitter they know im an
atheist and they say things
like, "what was it like after
you die?"
And I said, "what was like the
13.5 billion years before you
were born?
I think its like that."
I think its like tourists.
We didnt exist for 13.5 billion
years, then we have 80, 90
years, if were licky and we go
back to never existing again so
you have to make the most of it.
Its amaze, life.
Its brilliant.
Theres so much to live for.
( Cheers and applause ).
Stephen: I like the before
we were here the same as after
were here.
Oh, thats interesting.
So you say youre an atheist.
Still an atheist?
Has that softened in any way,
your 80ism.
I only believe in three or
four god.
No.
Stephen: As you approach
your final boards as they say,
you dont say, may maybe ill
hedge my bets and light a
candle."
Just in case.
Like pascalls wager.
People say, "why dont you
pray just in case theres a
god."
And I say, "why dont you hang
garlic over your door in case
theres a Dracula."
I have no problem with praying
...
Stephen: If 95% of people
in America believed there was a
Dracula, I might hang a garlic
on my door.
Its not... its not the same.
Exactly.
It has nothing to do with the
credibility of the truth.
Has to do with the plafort idea.
Stephen: Right, because the
majority is always sane.
Well, exactly, yeah.
( Applause ).
Stephen: Thats the herd
instinct.
Imagine if you were the only
person in the world to believe
in god, it would be odd,
wouldnt it?
Stephen: Well, I would be
committed.
I would be committed to an
insane asylum.
And thats you saying, that
not me.
You do believe in god.
Stephen: I do believe in
god, yeah.
Exactly.
Exactly that.
Its... and there are so many
different god to believe in.
Stephen: Yeah.
( Laughter )
If you had to... how about this...
If you had to pick a god...
( Laughter )
If you had to pick a god, and
has to be one that people
worship.
You cant say Stan Lee.
If you had to pick a god, who
would you pick?
Thorpe.
( Applause )
Stephen: I said you cant
pick Stan Lee.
So why Thor?
Big hammer.
Stephen: Is there any part
of the Jesus story that you
like?
I love Jesus.
I thought it was great.
I grew up, I was Christian until
I was about eight.
Stephen: Eight.
Yeah.
Stephen: Thats pretty
early to toss out the baby Jesus
with the bath water.
What... what... what turned you
around there, kid?
I remember I was doing Bible
studies and my brother came in,
he was older than me, he was
about 11 years older than me,
and he said, "why do you believe
in god?"
And my mom went, "Bob."
And I knew she was stopping him
telling me something.
And I thought about it, and
within about an hour, thats how
it worked out.
( Laughter ).
Stephen: Thats... oh, okay.
All right.
Thats interesting.
Yeah.
Stephen: Yeah.
No, I... I like the idea of
it.
I love the idea of them, you
know, Jesus...
Stephen: You like sermon on
the mount.
I like Jesus, not because he
was half-god or whitewater?
Stephen: Half god.
Well, I dont know, do I?
I dont know.
What was he, all god, wasnt he.
Stephen: God from god,
light from light.
Its just a... its just a parlor
trick.
Its just a parlor trick.
Its a crowd pleaser.
I do the nicean creed to warm up
the audience every night.
Well do confession of faith and
everything.
I like the idea of it.
I like the fact he was a kind
person and all that.
But as Gandhi said, you know, "I
like your Christ.
I do not like your christians.
They are so unlike your Christ."
And I think the problem is... do
you know what I mean, though?
Stephen: Sure.
Im a Christian.
Im totally un-chist like.
There are good and bad
christians, and there are good
and bad atheists.
And I think god has nothing to
do with whether you are good or
not.
Stephen: If god doesnt
give you comfort, what does?
Dogs.
( Cheers and applause ).
Stephen: Thats lovely.
Yeah.
Stephen: I... I believe...
I believe in dogs.
Stephen: Its god spelled
backwards.
Dogs are amazing.
Dogs are amaze ago yeah,
exactly.
Stephen: They are, that
unconditional love.
Yeah.
Same as... same as your guy.
Stephen: Right, right,
yeah.
( Laughter )
But if you dont love dog
back, it doesnt burn you in
hell.
It still loves you.
It licks you.
Stephen: It might be upset
if it can tell you dont love
it.
It might just be sad.
A dog... a dog loves you more
than it loves itself.
Stephen: Yeah.
And thats why I worship dogs.
( Laughter ) (
cheers and applause )
Stephen: You have a new...
You have a new... you have a
new... new?
Is it new the Sirius show?
No, its been going for a while.
Its me chatting to... it started
off with the highfalutin ideas
when talking to Richard do, in
and the astronomers and its me
and my mates.
Stephen: Its called
"deadly Sirius."
Yes, and its me and a bunch
of comedians talking about the
big issues: Why are we here?
Whats the point?
Stephen: You talk with
people you enjoy talking with,
comed expansion all that.
Yes, its funny.
Stephen: You have never
invited me on.
Youre welcome.
Next time... you are very often.
Stephen: How often do you
do it?
I do about 30, 40 a year, so
next time...
Stephen: And where do you
do it?
I do it in London and new
York...
Stephen: I cant do it.
I can travel.
I can do it in New York.
Stephen: I would love it
come on.
Well have an hour debate
about the meaning of life and
why were here.
Stephen: Okay, that would
be great.
And whats going to happen.
Stephen: Because we can
only do 10 minutes here,
unfortunately.
And thats going to be cut.
Stephen: Yeah, were
definitely taking out the part
where they cheer for you.
( Laughter ) Good to see you.
His Sirius radio show is called
"deadly Sirius." Ricky gervais,
everybody!
Well be right back with the new
host of "CBS this morning,"
bianna golodryga.
♪ ♪
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to "the late show."
Folks, my next guest is an
accomplished journalist who
recently became a co-host of
"CBS this morning."
Please welcome to "the late
show," bianna golodryga.
♪ ♪ (
Applause )
Hi!
This is exciting.
Thanks for having me.
Stephen: Welcome, welcome
to "the late show."
Wow!
Ive made it in life.
Stephen: Well see.
Well see.
Well see how it goes.
Stephen: Congratulations on
being named new cohoist of "CBS
this morning."
Thank you.
- >> Stephen: Whats that... (
- Applause ).
Thank you.
Im... im biased, but I think
its the best morning show on
television.
Stephen: I would say... I
would say the same or else
theyd shoot a dart into my
neck.
But I happen to believe it.
I watch it every morning.
I see you every morning from
7:00 to 7:20.
Where was John dickerson this
morning?
John dickerson had the day off.
The first day I think hes taken
off in 150 days.
Stephen: Hes such a diva.
Hes such a human.
Stephen: He is, exactly.
The hair and makeup time that
that man requires.
Its unbelievable!
Stephen: You did g.M.A.,
weekend g.M.A. For years, right?
I did.
I did for four years.
Stephen: So this is like
water off a ducks back.
Rolling up on the of the bed
again.
Stephen: What time do you
have to be there in the morning?
I get about there about 5:15.
I get out of bed at 4:20,
shower, dress, dress a little
bit for the show, ear buds in my
ear, and get in the car.
Stephen: Does any of that
go out the window?
Like, does showering have to
wait until tomorrow?
There are a few nights gli
dont do my show until 5:35 at
night, and sometimes I dont
have time to bathe, either.
Luckily, luckily, we have a
great hair and makeup team that
are prepared for emergencies
like that.
Stephen: Today, the white
house responded to cnns suit
over Jim acostas press pass
being pulled, and fox news, I
think, filed an amicus brief.
Yeah.
Stephen: On their behalf.
The White House said that they
can use broad discretion as to
who is allowed into the white
house.
How do you think that the press
should respond to that... that
attitude from the White House?
I actually think this is an
issue that weve been grappling
with since this presidents been
elected, if know while he was
campaigning, before the
election.
You dont want to be the story
as the media.
And there have been times where
I think too much of the
attention has been focused on
us, the reporters.
And by CNN going the route of
saying, you know what, were not
going to cover Jim acostas
press pass being revoked on a
daily basis hour after hour, but
we are going to handle it
legally, because this is our
first amendment right.
And as an immigrant to this
country, I appreciate that first
amendment right more than most
people do and can understand.
So I think they handled it
correctly.
Stephen: You... immigrant to
this country...
From the former Soviet union.
Stephen: From the former
Soviet union.
Are... what do you think... you
read Russian, right?
I do.
Stephen: You do read
Russian.
What is the... in Russia, what do
they say about the relationship
between Donald Trump and
Vladimir putin?
Well, the best thing about it
for Vladimir putin is that it
takes the focus away from
domestic policy and domestic
issues there at home.
And theyve got a lot of
problems.
Stephen: Is he liked there?
Is putin liked in Russia?
He is liked, though I would
say his approval rating is
declining significantly since
hes won re-election...
"Re-election."
( Laughter ) (
applause )
Its true.
Its true.
Stephen: Why "re-election?"
The president called him and
congratulated hoim his
re-election?
And who did he run against?
Stephen: Some dead guy, im
guessing.
( Laughter ).
You know, this is... this is
something that the Russians are
having a hard time grappling
with, trying to understand this
president, his administration,
his policies.
Stephen: Our president.
Our president.
Stephen: And why are they
having trouble understanding
that?
Because, on the one hand, if
the president says something
fawning about Vladimir putin or
you have Helsinki, case in
point, where they had a two-hour
meeting that nobody still to
this day knows what transpired,
then they say okay, hes clearly
in our favor, on our side.
But the next day, they can arm
the Ukrainians, issue new
sanctions.
And then say they, "listen,
whats the tactic here?
We dont really understand.
Oh, we know.
Hes beholden to the democrats.
He really isnt as powerful as
our presidents here."
Stephen: In Russia, do they
believe theres a deep state
over here?
Oh, sure.
Theres conspiracy... conspiracy
theories go back before putin.
They go back decades in Russian
media.
Stephen: What do you make
of, like a photograph like this?
I mean, you can believe this?
Did you see this?
It was the one time you saw the
president smile it was almost
pavlovian.
You see macron... this is
Vladimir putin.
Macron, Angela merkel, and I
think this is the one smile we
saw from the president.
♪ My boyfriends back
really happy.
( Applause )
Well, so nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Stephen: Ill see you
tomorrow morning at 7:00 A.M.
( Applause ).
Thank you.
Stephen: You can see her on
"CBS this morning" weekday
mornings at 7:00 on CBS.
Bianna golodryga, everybody!
Well be right back with chef
Flynn mcgarry.
♪ ♪
( Applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to "the late show."
Folks, my next guest is a chef
who is called a prodigy by "the
new yorker" when he was just 13
years old.
Now at the ripe old age of 19 he
has his own restaurant in new
York called gem.
Please welcome chef Flynn
mcgarry.
Nice to meet you.
What are we making today?
Were going to make beats.
Stephen: I love beats.
First im told we have to
pout these goggles and gloves.
Stephen: These are buzz
kills.
Which is a great way to start
cooking some root vegetables.
And gloves.
Stephen: Now why... why do I
need to wear goggles to cook
beats.
You dont want the red in
your eye s.
Stephen: All right.
So, essentially, we have
beats, theyve been braised,
soaked, and dried and we do that
to them twice.
Stephen: Wait a second,
theyve been braised, smoked,
and dried and we rehydrate them,
dry them again, and smoke them
again.
Stephen: Okay, they are
hard to kill, evidently.
Yes.
So that is the beat we have
here.
Stephen: Theres the beat?
Youre going to take your
pair of tweezers.
Yes.
Youre going to stab the beat.
Stephen: Done.
Youre going to dip it into
the liquid nitrogen.
Stephen: We have liquid
nitrogen?
Yes.
Its freezing just the outside
of the beat.
Stephen: Okay.
Now youre going to pick it
back out, and dip it in this,
which is bees wax.
Stephen: Excellent now, why
did I do that?
( Laughter )
Because I do not associate... and
im sure this is going to be
delicious.
Yes.
Stephen: I dont associate
beeswax with deliciousness.
It turns out it is.
Goggles off now?
Goggles off.
I think were safe.
Essentially we do that.
Its a very traditional way of
preserving things.
We do that and let them age for
two weeks.
We hang them...
Stephen: Wait.
So I dont eat this for two
weeks!
You dont eat this for two
weeks.
You have to wait two more weeks.
Stephen: I understand I
shouldnt eat fast food, but
thats ridiculous.
After two weeks, we have them
here.
Stephen: Theyve been in
there for two weeks.
Now why, why, on gods green
earth did I wait two weeks to
eat it?
To eat this.
I cant really tell you.
But it sounds really good.
Doesnt it?
Two-week-old beat.
Stephen: You are a guest,
so I will say yes.
Essentially what, its doing
is... is the sugars in the beat
are being pulled to the outside,
and its... the flavor is
intensifying, and when we
caramelize it later it creates
awe crust on it.
Stephen: Wait, you mean
were not done cooking this damn
thing yet?
This has not died yet.
Stephen: I didnt have
girlfriends that lasted as long
as this damn dish.
I dont usually use a mallet
but were on TV so it seems like
we should use a malgillette the
mallet was our idea?
The mallet was a discussion.
They said, "Stephen likes
mallets.
Stephen: Ive broken it
off.
I get all the wax off because we
dont want the wax?
You dont eat the wax.
The wax... the place were
getting the wax from, its bees
that eat a lot of blackberrys,
so it has this sort of... you get
these black Berry notes from the
wax.
Stephen: This wax is...
Dont eat the wax but...
Stephen: I wasnt going to.
Its black Berry-flavored wax?
Somewhat.
It could be said.
You get subtle notes of black
Berry.
Stephen: I feel like youre
punk meeg this entire time.
For the actual dish, we have
the Greens from the beats that
weve wilted with a little bit
of cream.
Stephen: Okay.
Same two-week-old beats?
These are fresh beats.
Were going to season these with
a little bit of lemon juice and
a little salt.
Stephen: That liquid
nitrogen...
See, you can put whatever you
want in that and it makes it...
It makes it fun.
Stephen: Yeah, there you
go.
Let that sit there...
I dont think youre allowed
to do that without the goggle s.
Stephen: Im doing it
anyway.
Its my (bleep) Show.
So now we get some really hot
butter.
Stephen: Okay, great.
Were Browning.
Stephen: Oh, its au
burnier.
I can be fancy, too.
You just need the one.
This is the final one.
Stephen: My lemon is
frozen.
Stephen: Your lemon is
frozen.
( Laughter )
Stephen: I do like mallets.
You do like malets.
Malets are very dangerous
things.
Stephen: Lets plate.
Youre going to plate.
Im not plating.
Stephen: I come over here.
This is your plate.
This is what youre trying to
make.
Stephen: Thank you very
much.
Thank you for not breaking my
plate.
I brought it.
A little spoon full just like
that.
Stephen: Which goes first,
this?
That is first, it goes right
there.
A little bit less but thats
fine.
Dont take it off now.
Stephen: Im a hungry man.
Grab your beat.
Shake it a little bit.
Stephen: Tuck it like that?
Tuck it next to it.
So far, sod if good.
Put that back in there.
We mack a orubdelais, like
reduced fat and meat and very
flavorful stuff.
We made with the beats.
Instead of a beef bourdelais,
its beef bourdelais?
Exactly.
I start on the beat usually.
Stephen: Well I do it the
other way.
Get your own damn show.
And a little bit of this action?
A little bit of that on there.
Stephen: Okay.
I mean, not quite like that...
Thats a lot.
Okay.
Thats fine.
It is your show.
You can put however much salt
you want.
Stephen: Take that off.
Great!
I dont know... I dont know if
people...
Stephen: Can I try it?
Yeah!
Stephen: Can I try it?
Go for it.
Stephen: Do you want to
trite other half of it?
Im okay.
Stephen: Youve had it.
Ive eaten this too many times.
I dont really like beats,
but...
( Laughter ) (
applause ).
Stephen: Now how long went
into this beat?
Lets recap this.
How long ago did the process of
cooking this beat start?
About two and a half weeks ago.
Stephen: For...
For that.
Stephen: Okay.
( Laughter )
Its a good beat.
Stephen: Thats the best
damn beat ive ever had.
( Cheers and applause )
Flynn, the documentary about his
life, "chef Flynn" is in
theaters now.
Chef Flynn mcgarry, everybody.
Well be right back.
That was fantastic!
Stephen: Thats it for the
"late show."
Tune in tomorrow when my guests
will be Ben stiller, jemelle
hill and musical guest, jorja
Smith.
Now stick around for James
corden.
Good night!