The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Andrew Sullivan/Maria Shriver/Jim Gaffigan/Archbishop Thomas Wenski - full transcript

Author Andrew Sullivan; journalist and activist Maria Shriver; comedian Jim Gaffigan (The Jim Gaffigan Show (2015)); Archbishop Thomas Wenski. Also: The YMCA Jerusalem Youth Chorus and the Choir of St. Jean Baptiste perform.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
A new report from the center
for strategic and international

studies says it appears north
Korea is moving ahead with its

nuclear missile program.

Now, this comes after Pyongyang
halted missile test launches

which President Trump regarded
as a success.

Its "the late show with
Stephen Colbert."

Tonight the Mrs. Dismisses.

Plus, Stephen welcomes
Rachel Weisz

Jason mantzoukas
and comedian Demetri Martin

featuring Jon batiste and stay

And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York

city, its Stephen Colbert!

( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Wooo!

Hey, everybody!

Please have a seat.

There you go.

Get the tie going up and down.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
"the late show."

I am your host, Stephen Colbert.

( Cheers and applause )
Here we are, once again, Trump

wants to fire somebody.

But in a refreshing change of
pace its not Donald because

today we found out in a stunning
move, first lady melania Trump

is calling for the firing of
departmdeputy national

security adviser, Mira ricardel.

I assume melanias doing it with
her traditional goodbye gift, a

jacket that says "u dont really
work here anymore, do u?"

Apparently, the first ladys
team "suspect Ms. Ricardel is

behind some negative stories
about Mrs. Trump and her staff."

Although, an anonymous inside
source is quoted as saying, "no,

im not.

I mean, shes not!

Whatever, I got to pack my

( Laughter )
Earlier today, the first ladys

communication director put out
this blistering statement

about ricardel.

"It is the position of the
office of the first lady that

she no longer deserves the honor
of serving in this White House."

That is a classy way to diss

"Furthermore, it is the position
of this office that the first

lady will cut a bitch."

( Laughter )
Jon: Oh, my!

Stephen: Right?

Jon: Testy.

Stephen: Have that... have
that engraved on some stationary

and sent over.

( Laughter )
This story has unearthed some

juicy behind-the-scenes details
about the first ladys

relationship with chief of staff
John Kelly.

Apparently, melania raised
concerns with her husband

earlier this year that Kelly had
denied requests to promote some

of her aides.

The president was furious and
told Kelly to give the first

lady what she wanted, saying, "I
dont need this (bleep)."

( Laughter ).

Jon: Wow!

Choice words!

Stephen: Yeah.

Thats kind of sweet.

He quoted his wedding vows.

And theres more big news... this
is huge:

Democrat kyrsten sinema has won
the Arizona Senate Race.

( Cheers and applause )
There you go.

Scratch that itch!

There you go.

Jon: Didnt see that one

Stephen: Wave!

Sinema is a former green party
activist who has become a

moderate member of congress,
which led her opponent,

republican Martha mcsally, to
claim she was just pretending to

be a centrist.

Pretending to be a centrist...
That is the lamest role play.

Oh, yeah, baby, you pretend to
be a centrist, and ill pretend

to be an undecided voter.

You maintain that status quo.

You find that middle ground, you

You reach across the aisle.

( Laughter )
Sinema is the first woman

elected to the senate from

Also, she will become the
first-ever openly bisexual


For a reaction...

cheers and applause )

For a reaction to this news,
lets go live to vice president

Mike pence.

That is not a still image.

That is rolling video.

( Laughter )
This is just the latest in a

very bad week for the president,
case in point, North Korea.

Back in June Trump claimed
everybody can now feel much

safer than the day I took

There is no longer a nuclear
threat from North Korea, because

our real enemies are China,
Canada, and acosta.

( Laughter )
Somebody didnt get the memo

that North Korea wasnt a
threat, and that somebody was

Kim jong-un, because we just
found out North Korea is moving

ahead with its ballistic missile
program at 16 hidden bases.


We should have known those
werent actually new "Johnny

rockets" restaurants.

( Laughter )
Of course, Trump disputes the

meaning of these satellite
images, tweeting, "the story in

the New York times concerning
North Korea developing missile

bases is inaccurate.

We fully know about the sites
being discussed, nothing new...

And nothing happening out of the

Just more fake news.

I will be the first to let you
know if things go bad!"


( Laughter ) (A

s Trump)

For instance, see that mushroom
cloud over there.

Not good.

And trumps still getting over
his big weekend in Paris, where

he caught a lot of flack for
skipping a memorial ceremony

because of rain.

And after three days of stewing,
he finally thought of a good


Earlier today he tweeted, "by
the way, when the helicopter

couldnt fly to the first
cemetery in France because of

almost zero visibility, I
suggested driving.

Secret service said no, too far
from airport and big Paris


Speech next day at American
cemetery in pouring rain!

Little reported... fake news!"
I know it seems pointless to

bring this up, but Trump spelled
"cemetery" both right and wrong

in the same tweet.

( Laughter )
And after French president

Emanuel macron (

laughter )

I think im... I trust im
pronouncing that correctly?

Made thinly veiled criticisms of
trumps self-proclaimed

nationalist policies, today the
president fought back the only

way he knows how: Proposing
nationalist tariffs.

"On trade, France makes
excellent wine, but so does

the U.S.

The problem is that France makes
it very hard for the U.S. to

sell its wines into France, and
charges big tariffs, whereas the

U.S. makes it easy for French
wines, and charges very small


Not fair, must change!"
Arent you losing support with

suburban white women?

( Laughter ) (

applause )

Maybe now is not the time to
come after wine!

Whats next, banning book club
and Nancy Meyers movies?

( Laughter )
Trump also tweeted, "Emmanuel

macron suggests building its
own army to protect Europe

against the U.S., China and

But it was Germany in world
wars one and two.

How did that work out for

They were starting to learn
German in Paris before the U.S.

Came along.

Pay for NATO or not!"
France and Germany are allies

now... you cant just pick a
conflict from history.

(As Trump)
"Also, France, I wouldnt trust


Remember how ceasar invaded your
Southern province to pay off his


Veni, vedi, vinci."

( Laughter )
But Trump saved his best Twitter

scream for last: "Make France
great again!"


laughter )

I think... I suspect Donald
trumps going to have a new look

at his next rally!

( Laughter )
"Look, look... ah, ah, aa-ah,


Of course, while in Paris, the
only warm greeting he got was

from Vladimir putin.

And its no wonder reporters
were saying that trumps foreign

visit was "rocky."

I completely disagree.

It was nothing like "rocky."

At least in those movies,
America stood up to Russia!

But now putin is destabilizing
NATO, Russia is interfering with

our elections, and even Ivan
drago is back in "creed 2."

Well, I say it is time America
fights back again.

Like rocky, we can take down the

( Cheers and applause )
I was never scared of Ivan drago

in the first place.

He may be big, but that was
mostly water weight.

I could have... oh, hi!

Ivan drago, everybody!

( Cheers and applause )
Ivan, I... Ivan im sorry, I

didnt realize you were here.

Or that you were a real person.

I am here to fight.

Stephen: Okay.

Ill just take my jewelry off.

No, Stephen.

I am here to fight Russian

Americans think we are cold
and harsh.

It is false impression...

That I will crush.

Stephen: So you think all
this tension between our

countries is just a


Cold war is over.

No need for U.S. and Russia to
fight anymore, except in

"creed 2."

In theaters everywhere next

- ( Laughter ) (
- Applause )

Stephen: Oh, okay.

Good to know.

Thats great.

So just in time for


The movie has almost as much
fighting as a family during

American Turkey dinner.

Stephen: Well, im glad to
hear our countries can have a

good relationship again.


Im actually good friends with
U.S.A. president, Donald Trump.

Stephen: Seriously?

You know President Trump?


Back in 80s, we go to same
parties and hung out with Mike


I really thought Mike had better
chance of becoming president.

Stephen: Well, I didnt
realize youve known him that


Tell me this, is that his real
hair color?

Does he dye his hair?

If he dyes, he dyes.

Stephen: Fair enough.

Fair enough.

If you know Donald Trump so
well, what do you think about

the job hes doing as president?

He is like me.

Hes a fighter.

He looks at the treaties youve
made with allies and says: "I

must break you."

( Laughter )
Stephen: That was actually


( Laughter )
Ivan drago, everybody!

"Creed 2" in theaters November

Weve got a great show for you

Rachel Weisz is here.

But when we return, I bring you
the less... stick around!

( Band playing ) (

cheers and applause )

Stephen: Hey, everybody!

Give it up for Jon batiste and
stay human right over there!

Jon: Yeah!


Feeling it, feeling it.

( Applause )
Stephen: Jon, you know in

this dark world of ours, some
things just make you feel


Just fill your heart with joy.

One is "whose boat is this

Our bestsaling book.

Its breaking all records.

The first ladys book just
dropped, right?

Were gunning for it now.

"Whose boat is this boat?."

Basically the same book.

Jon: Its for a good cause.

Stephen: Good cause, both
having something to do with the

White House buy it.

All of our proceeds go to help
hurricane victims of hurricane

Michael and hurricane Florence.

And ill tell you the other

( Applause )
Yup, yup, people love the book.

And the other thing im really
excited about is my first guest

tonight Rachel Weisz.

One of my favorite actresses.

And her new movie "the favorite"
is one of the movies ive really


Jon: Oh, yeah, you like it?

Its one of your favorites,

Stephen: I wouldnt go that
far, but I would say...

Jon: Okay.

Stephen: Its one of my
favorites ive seen this year.

But favorite with an "o" "r,"
not "our."

They spell it British with the

Jon: Whats wrong with

Stephen: Its America,
speak english.

( Applause )
You know, there are so many big

news stories every day, it can
be hard to keep up with the

ones I dont care about.

But tonight, I care about all of
them, in our ongoing segment


( Cheers and applause )
Meanwhile, were all looking

Forward to self-driving cars.

No steering wheel means the
commute will be much more

efficient when we can give each
other both middle fingers.

( Laughter )
Well, researchers have been

studying the potential effects
of autonomous vehicles and have

come to the conclusion that
"self-driving cars will be used

for sex."

( Laughter )
Thats great news, ladies.

Men refuse to ask for
directions, but maybe the car

can tell them where it is.

( Laughter )
Did... I dont know what that

joke... I dont know what that
joke means.

I have no idea what that joke

But did we really need a study
for this?

Let me save you some science: If
you make a vehicle, people are

going to have sex in it.

"Were researching the effects
of building a hydrogen-powered

hovercra... theyre gonna bone in

( Laughter )
Even the researchers themselves

admit that sex in these cars is
an obvious conclusion, saying

"its not a big leap."

It is if youre doing it right.

( Laughter ) (

applause )

Mine the gap.

Meanwhile, Victorias secret
is in some hot water.

In an interview with "vogue"
magazine, chief marketing

officer ed razek, was asked
why the lingerie line didnt

include any transgender or
plus-sized models.

He responded "that trans and
plus-size women do not

exemplify the fantasy that
Victorias secret is trying to


Hmmm, I thought the only fantasy
Victorias secret sold was the

idea that lace thongs from a
discount bin are a good idea.

( Laughter )
Razek explained that plus-sized

lingerie is available at other
stores, and at Victorias

secret, "we market to who we
sell to."

Sure, thats why every Victoria
secret in America is overrun

with 510" women struggling to
fit their wings through the

dressing room doors.

( Laughter )
Meanwhile, according to science,

"its fall, which means its
time for gonorrhea."

( Laughter ) Okay...

( Laughter )
God, please tell me that red

color is trees.

I know what youre thinking,
youre thinking, "already?

I just put away last falls

Apparently, new research
suggests "all infectious

diseases might be seasonal."

Well, thats why they say, if
the groundhog sees his shadow,

six more weeks of herpes.

( Laughter )
Well be right back with Rachel


( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Hey, everybody!

Welcome back to "the late show."

( Cheers and applause )
Folks, my first guest is an

brilliant Oscar-winning actor
you know from "the mummy,

"the constant gardner"
and "disobedience."

Please welcome back to "the late
show," Rachel Weisz!

♪ Rain drops on roses and
whiskers on kittens

♪ bright copper kettles and can
warm woolen mittens

♪ brown paper packages tied (

cheers and applause )

Stephen: Hello!


Stephen: Nice to see you

Lovely to see you.

Stephen: How have you

Very well, thank you.

Stephen: Very busy because
you had a baby.

I did.

That is a busy schedule.

Stephen: Three months ago,

Thats right.

Stephen: Congratulations,
thats wonderful.

Thank you, thank you.

( Applause )
Stephen: A little girl,


She is.

Stephen: This is where your

Daniel Craig.


Hed be the father.

Stephen: Okay, good, good.

Does the child...
We say baby daddy.

Stephen: We say that here,

Do you!

Stephen: You guys got that
from us.

Does the child take after you or

She does look very like him.

( Laughter ) She really does.

Stephen: Really?

Yeah, she does.

Stephen: Steely blue eyes
and big shoulders.

Yeah, yeah.

( Laughter ) Yeah.

Stephen: When you were here
last time, we were talking about

how you would raise the child.


Stephen: Because you live
both in the United States and in



Stephen: And so are you
going to raise the child

American or British?

Just... just human.

( Laughter ).

Stephen: Oh, thats

Yeah, im not too...

applause ).

Stephen: Im a big fan of

Im really into humans, yeah.

Just from planet earth.

Stephen: Thats very nice.

Thats very nice.

I did want to talk to you about
the title the movie "the


It has a "u" after the "o."

Which disturbs you?

Stephen: In America we
dont do that.

We safe favorite.

We say color.

Im curious where you guys get
off wasting that many "u" s?

You must have disowned a "u"
which we came over here and

settled this great land.

Stephen: Yeah, its in the
"declaration of independence."

Get rid of the "u" s.

Stephen: Exactly.

I dont know why that happened.

We should... we should find out.

There must be a reason.

Stephen: Just to save on
ink, probably.

It must have been.

Stephen: It probably could
be something as stupid as that.

It is a uniform thing.

Color c-o-l-o-r.

Stephen: And you say
civilization with an "s."

We say civilization with a "z."

No you dont!

Stephen: We do, we do.

You say civilization with an

Pronunciation or written.

Stephen: Written, we do a


Stephen: Im not joking.

You cant tell because he has
the ultimate poker face.

Stephen: Im not joking.

Am I telling the truth.

( Applause )
You raze, they would lie for me

if I wanted them to.

You didnt know that?

Oh, year, yeah.

So you do have to decide when
raising your child.

Ill have to look it up.

Stephen: The last time you
were here you were promoting

"disobedience," which was with
Rachel mcadams.

Two great parts for women.

Now you have the movie "the
favourite" with three great

parts for women.

Its with Olivia colman and Emma

Eventually, is it to have a cast
of all women, a female



Next time it will be four.

Do you remember the movie "a
league of their own?"

That was maybe 10 female leads.

I dont know.

Stephen: Something like
that, yeah, and Tom Hanks.

Oh, it was, yeah.

Stephen: It was Tom Hanks.

It was Tom Hanks.

Youre so right, exactly.

Stephen: Judges?

Yes, Tom.

Yes, it would be... I really
like playing opposite women.

Its been... up until
"disobedience," ive only ever

played opposite men.

In fact, I dont think ive even
made a film about female

friendship... I should mention
because "disobedience" is

about... theyre love eshz the
women, as they are, in fact in

can the fav.

Stephen: Im sensing a

This takes place in the court of
queen Anne, which is the

beginning of the 18th century.


Stephen: I knew nothing
about queen Anne.

Youre english.

What did you know about queen
Anne before going into this


Nothing apart from the
furniture and the architecture.

"Oh, yes, queen Anne-style
chairs," long, thin things.

Stephen: Right.

She seemed extremely unhappy.

Olivia colman does a brilliant
performance as a very unhappy,

maybe not entirely well person.

Yes, yes.

Shes... shes incredibly funny
and incredibly moving.

I think shes qoot a tragic
character, queen Anne, and

Olivia colman plays her tragedy
at the same time as being...

Shes a great comedienne,

Stephen: The thing about
this movie is its a historical

drama, but its also historic

Its like a very interesting mix
of the two.

Whats the name of the director?

Yorgos lanthimos.

Stephen: You said that
better than I would.

Hes from Greece.

Stephen: And you were in
"the lobster."

Which he directed.

Its a political thriller.

Its a love story.

Its a comedy.

Its a tale of power and

Its like three women vying for

Its kind of like "all about
Eve" except Emma stone is the

inge new who comes to the court
and tries to steal my place.

You dont get a role in a play,
you get to run england.

Stephen: Your character was
the real Sarah Churchill.

Who was related to Winston
Churchill and lady Diana.

She became the duchess... she
knew the queen before they were

both famous, before the queen
was the queen, and we were kids

together upon and we grew up
together and were best friend

and became lovers and she was
the queen.

From my point of view, she was a
useless queen, so I run the

country for her.

Stephen: And she... you have
a bit of a falling out with the

queen in this one, which doesnt
give anything away.

But the real Sarah Churchill had
a falling out with the queen as


Its all true.

Stephen: Really?


( Laughter ) Yeah.

I mean, there are...
Stephen: I like it even

more now.

The story is all true.

What happens behind closed doors
between the women when theyre

alone, who knows, right?

Because we dont know... we
werent there.

We dont know what anyone does
behind closed doors.

Stephen: You know what else
we dont know?


Stephen: What it smelled

Bad, I imagine.

Stephen: Terrible.

And the men are so pretty in
this movie.

Yeah, yeah.

>.>> Stephen: Nicholas holt, and
the men are so much more dressed

up with the wig and the makeup.

We didnt wear any makeup and
the men are in wigs, blurber,

Rouge, lipstick, high heels and
their characters were peripheral

and quite ridiculous.

Stephen: There is one scene
where the queen tries to apply

some makeup and you complain
about it.

Its the only time she wears
makeup and its... its... well,

youll see.

Stephen: Jim.

Im ready for the Russian

Who did your makeup?

We wanted something dramatic.

Do you Luke it?

You look like a badger.


Are you going to cry?


Well, what do you think you look


Do you really think you can
meet the Russian delegation

looking like that?


I will manage it.

Get back to your rooms.

( Applause )
Stephen: So nice to see you


It was so nice to see you

Stephen: Thank you for
being here.

Thank you.

Stephen: "The favourite" is
in theaters next Friday.

Rachel Weisz, everybody!

Well be right back with
comedian and podcaster Jason


♪ ♪
Stephen: Hey, everybody.

Welcome back to "the late show."

Folks, you know my next guest
from "the league," "the good

place," and his popular podcast
"how did this get made?"

Please welcome, Jason

( Applause ) >> Oooh!


Stephen: I like the suit.

I like the suit a lot
thank you.

A green corduroy suit, why not.

Stephen: I could hear you
coming a block away.

I showed up.

Absolutely, wide wail.

Dont worry about it.

Stephen: That is really

That is for the fall.

Yes, it is.

Come on, its Autumn guys.

Its fall in New York.

Break out the suits and scarves.

Stephen: And that tie.

Im not going to lie to you.

This tie is cashmere.

Stephen: May I?

May I?

You can fondle my tie, Stephen.

Stephen: Oh, my god.

Oh, yeah!

Stephen: Oh!

Oh, yeah.

Stephen: Oh, my god.

Oh, yeah.

Stephen: That is like
getting to second base with a


Oh, yeah!

Which, I have done!

Stephen: Oh, really?


Listen, I dont want to talk
about my past.

Stephen: Of course not, of
course not, but there are


What I know... I dont really
know much about your past.

I know youre an improvisor.

I am.

Stephen: Youre well known
as an improvisor.

Why did you start to improvise.

Back in the day I improvised.

We both came up in improv

You in second city.

Stephen: Before that improv

I came up in the upright
citizens brigade theater here in

New York.

( Applause ).

Stephen: Yeah.

And for me, I just love that
kind of feeling of absolute

limitless potential on stage and
discovery and amassing kind of

people who believe in what you
do and are willing to follow you

to the ends of the earth.

Stephen: Well, that sounds
like a cult.

( Laughter )

Hear me out.

Stephen: Uh-huh.

Hear me out.

Stephen: It can be

It can be cult-lining.

People can get into it on a
cult-level fascination.

Stephen: They try to find a

Listen, if theyre willing to
murder for me, I cant stop


( Laughter )
Stephen: Technically,

technically you could.

Listen, I go out.

I do a good show, right?

Totally improvised.

I dont know what I say.

If I inspire people to murder on
my behalf, its still just a

comedy show.

( Laughter )
I bet I could convince three

people in your audience to
murder for me by the end of the


( Applause ).

Stephen: Sure.

Are we insured for that?

Im sorry, were not insured for

Were not insured?

I was going to say get the trick
is get the balcony to revolt

against the bottom people.

( Applause ) Yeah!

Stephen: Well, the bottom


Stephen: Wait a second,
wait a second.

I like this, the balcony and the
bottom people.


Stephen: Youve already
picked a side.


Come on!

( Cheers and applause )

Where are am I at, balcony?

Rise up!

( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: No, but... no!


Stephen: No, because the
bottom people its bottom people

need to rise up because they
dont stand a chance... they have

the high ground.

These are the rich people.

Overthrow the rich!

Stephen: Okay, okay.


You might feel a little
different when you get a little


Perhaps, perhaps.

Were in it now, though.

Stephen: If you were in a

If I was in a cult.

I would not be in a cult.

I would be leading that cult.

Stephen: Oh, you wouldnt
want to be in the cult

giwouldnt want to be in the

Stephen: I would love to be
in the cult.


Stephen: I would love
someone to tell me how to live.

That person is me.

I have an update.

Ive already grown the beard.

Heres the deal: Take off this
suit that you admired earlier,

throw a burch of robes on me,
half of these people walk out

and theyre like, "ill do
whatever this guy says."

Stephen: The first thing I
need to do is see "the long dumb



Stephen: Tell us what the
"the long dumb road" is.

"The long dumb road" is a
movie that is out now that is a

classic American road trip movie
alark "trains, planes, and

automobiles," or any of those
kinds of movies where a

mismatched pair of people take a
long trip.

In this case, its Tony

He is going to drive to college.

He picks up a drifter along the

If you can imagine, I play that

Stephen: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Im unkempt, outrageous, but
very charismatic.

Stephen: We have a clip of
you guys in the car.

We have a clip?

Lets go to the clip.

Stephen: Youre in the car,
and do you need to set this up?

You guys are talking about

I think this is the clip
where I show my full penis.

Stephen: Okay.

Turn up the volume on your set
and go.


Okay, heres one.

Whats your favorite movie of
all time?

"The graduate."



Never seen it.

"The graduate."

Dustin Hoffman.

Ill check it out.

What about you.

Whats your favorite movie?

"Fast and furious, Tokyo


Yeah, that movie is crazy
like its about these guys and

they race all these cars, and
they drift cars.

I mean, theyre... theyre all
right those movies to be honest.

"Fast and furious one and

(Bleep) Of the best movies ive
ever seen.

They lost their steam by the
time they got to, like, six.

I think theyre on eight now.

Wait, there are more of those
(Bleep) Movies?

Yeah, theres like eight more.

Are you (bleep)?

Oh, my god!

Thats (bleep) Amazing!

( Applause )
Stephen: Is that... was that

scene improvised?

That scene was improvised.

Stephen: Why did you pick
"fast and furious?"

Heres the deal, "a," I love
those movies.

Unabarbedly, I think they are

Here is a series of movies that
began about a group of street

racers trying to sell
combination TV-DVD players.

And now, in the last one, they
raced against a submarine, and,

Stephen, the rock picked up a
torpedo and threw it!

( Laughter )
They are now more powerful than

the avengers.

Its straight crazy these

Also, we had to because the
studios trying to market those

movies and the best way they
told us to market the big bloc

busters is an independent film.

Thats the deal.

Stephen: The whole thing is
just a promo for the "fast and



"The long dumb road" in
theaters now is a commercial for

"fast and furious."

There will be eight "the long
dumb roads" now.

Oh, my god.

Please go see the movie so we
can make more.

Stephen: "Longer and
dumber" will be the next one.

Much dumber.

Stephen: Jason, nice to
meet you.

Nice to meet you, Stephen.

Stephen: "The long dumb road"
is in theaters and available on

demand this Friday.

Jason mantzoukas, everybody!

Well be right back with
comedian Demetri Martin.

♪ ♪
Stephen: Welcome bark


My next guest is a stand-up
comedian and former "daily show"

correspondent about to embark on
his own nationwide tour.

Please welcome Demetri Martin.

( Applause ) >> Thanks!

Thanks, everybody.

Thank you.

Thanks for clapping.

I appreciate that.

Thats good.

I got my guitar here.

Im... im just going to do

Im not going to play a song.

Ive tried to write songs, but
so far, I havent come up with

anything good.

I recently wrote a protest song,
but it was an instrumental, so

it was kind of ineffective.

Thats okay.

So here we go, jokes.

♪ ♪
all right.

I had a great Halloween.

I love Halloween.

I think its a great holiday.

Its my favorite holiday,
because you dont have to

celebrate that one with your

You never hear, "what are you
doing for Halloween?"

"I have to fly back east and go
trick or treating with my


"That stuks."

"Yeah, they got a divorce so I
have to bring two different

costumes this year."

Why doee we have half sizes for

Thats kind of weird.

We could have picked twice as
many numbers, then we wouldnt

have had to have fractions.

That was for people at home.

They probably pick the shoe
sizes and then peoples feet got

more specific or something.

"Okay, were all done with the
shoe sizes."

"Excuse me, I dont fit in the 8
or the 9."

"Youve got to be freaking
kidding me."


I should have given up on the
joke, but I didnt.

( Laughter )
I never went bungee jumping.

The closest I did was I was

( Laughter )
Yeah, all right, ill take that.

( Applause ) Its okay.

I want to write a book.

I have an idea for a book.

Its an autobiography that turns
into a biography, like, halfway


Ive never seen a book like

I think it would be real

The first three or four chapters
would be about my childhood or,

someun what I mean?

And then chapter 4, I casually
mention Benjamin Franklin.

( Laughter )
Then I say something like,

"speaking of Franklin," and the
rest of book is all about

Benjamin Franklins life.

I tell you everything I know
about him.

And at the end youre like,
"that nerd tricked me into

learning about Benjamin

I find my horoscope is more
accurate if I just live less


"What are you doing tomorrow,

"Making some choices."

I love sports bars because they
collect all the people I dont

want to hang out with, and they
put nem one room.

( Laughter ) (

applause )


This is my crowd!

All right!

A tree house is very

Thats like killing something,
and making one of its friends

hold it.

( Applause )
I can move objects with my mind

if I use my hands.

( Laughter )
A lot of people go on cruises.

Thats weird.

How do you market a crews to

That seems kind of hard.

Its like, "hey, do you like


"How about one that could sink?"

laughter )


I could drown in my bedroom?

Yeah, thats a vacation.

I lieb that.

I go to the gym religiously.

About twice a year, around the

( Laughter )
I think they could probably

bring fajitas out from the
kitchen a little bit later.

Its a lot of smoke.

I think were showboating a
little bit, fajitas.

I have an l-shaped sofa at home,
lower case.

About 75% of German sheppards
are dogs.

( Laughter )
The other 25%... all right, yeah!

The rest are German sheppards.

If youre sitting in a drum
circle, I wonder if theres a

moment where youre like, "im
never going to be rich."


( Cheers and applause )
Thats it.


Stephen: You can buy tickets
for demetris "wandering

mind" tour at his website.

Demetri Martin, everybody!

Well be right back.

Stephen: Thats it for "the
late show," everybody.

Tune in tomorrow when my guests
will be Ricky gervais, bianna

golodryga, and chef Flynn

Now stick around for James


Captioning sponsored by CBS
there were some great reviews

on Amazon, so many five-star

There have been a couple of,
like, one-star reviews.

And they tend to say, "hey, its
the you showed on television,"

thinking it would be something

No, its this book.

Jon: Thats the book right

Stephen: We advertise this

This is the book you get.

No more one-star reviews for
giving you the thing we


Captioning sponsored by CBS
captioned by