The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 4, Episode 4 - Wisconsin - full transcript

Carol and Tandy come up with a plan to convince everyone to stick together.

In the book of our lives,

we've come to a new
chapter: Zihuatanejo.

To mark the occasion, I
have a special surprise.

Ta-da!

(CHUCKLING): Oh! Ta-da!

(LAUGHS)

Had a little trouble spelling
it, but welcome to Zihuatanejo.

Anyway, I know how much
you all love my singing.

(CHUCKLES)

So by assumed popular
request, I wrote a song.

♪ Have you ever had a Mexican location ♪



♪ Sitting right on your face ♪

♪ And from that moment ♪

♪ That you take your
first few looks at it ♪

♪ You start to fall in
love with the place ♪

♪ It's full of beautiful imagery ♪

♪ For your geographical spank bank ♪

♪ And there seems to be no radiation ♪

♪ But you never know, so
let's keep on the lookout ♪

♪ Closure, closure,
closure closure, closure ♪

♪ Mexico's our home now,
and we're happy as clams ♪

♪ Closure, closure,
closure closure, closure ♪

♪ To quote Vince Vaughn in Spanish ♪

♪ This place is dinero ♪

♪ That means money. ♪



(LAUGHING): Olé.

(CLAPPING)

(WHOOPS)

CAROL: I declare
this medical clinic

- open!
- (LAUGHS)

- (CAROL LAUGHS)
- (TANDY WHOOPS)

Let me give you the gran tourino.

Okay. Um, oh.

So, I took some hospital scrubs
and I made some new curtains.

I bleached most of the
blood out, but then I decided

to leave a little in for a pop of color.

Then I found some old X-rays

and I invited them to
a Pilbasian paint party.

And that party went all night.

(CAROL LAUGHS)

Oh, and see that autopsy table?

That was sitting in the
morgue, gathering dust,

so I just scraped the corpse
off, did a little spit polish,

and voilà, a lovely dining table.

So, when do you want to move in?

'Cause now works for me and
I would also accept yesterday.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Joking.

I'm excited.

(LAUGHS LIGHTLY)

Um, okay, well, look, hon, um,

we totally appreciate that offer,

but Erica and I,

we're kind of happy at
our little beach house.

- TODD: Yeah.
- MELISSA: Yeah, and Todd and I,

we found this cute little.

- B and B up the road that we really like.
- So nice.

- I see.
- GAIL: Oh, now, hon,

this is not a big deal 'cause
we're not gonna be that far away

and everything is gonna be
just pretty much the same.

Trust me.

Yeah, sure.

Okay. Now that that's been settled,

Todd, we have a honeymoon to get to.

Hubba hubba. Come here.

I'm so excited.

Melissa and I have some
pretty wild stuff planned.

(WHISPERING): I mean, we
even established a safe word.

Well, have fun, bud.

I'll be thinking about you.

I'll-I'll be thinking about you, too.

(STAMMERS) Not during the
sexual parts, you know.

What, am I not attractive to you, bud?

Tandy, come on, bud.

- You go have some fun, bud.
- Will do.

- (SMACKS BUTTOCKS) - Oh, yeah.
- (LAUGHING): Hey.

Yeah, we got to go, too, so,
see y'all when we see y'all.

- Bye.
- CAROL: Well...

guess it was nice while it lasted.

Care Bear, don't you think
you're being a little dramatic?

Mark my words.

Living apart will destroy this group.

All right, Jasper, flip the switch!

(LAUGHS) Dude, is that
magnet micro-surfin'?

'Cause it just caught a microwave.

Cowabunga!

Okay, Jasper, if my
calculations are correct,

when you flip that switch,

this is gonna play a
tune we all know and love.

"Jingle Bells."

Flip the switch, bud.

(METAL JINGLES)

Merry Christmas!

(TANDY LAUGHS)

(TANDY GROANS)

You know, Jasper, when a piece of metal

and a magnet develop
feelings for each other,

they get what's called attraction.

Okay, flip the switch.

(LAUGHS) Science, huh?

Okay, be ready. Here I come.

Okay, flip the switch, Jasper.

Jasper! Jasper, turn it off!

Turn it off!

Oh, God!

Oh, landed right on the hammer, too.

Oh, why the hell did I
leave that thing in there?

Oh, so happy to be back on the ground.

(SHOUTS)

Jasper!

Release! Release!

Jasper!

Where'd you go, bud?!

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

TODD: Uh, come in.

(RUSSIAN ACCENT): Housekeeping.

Well, hello, ma'am.

You're from Russia.

I can tell by your accent.

Da.

Well, I'm a wealthy businessman

from Glacier Bay, Alaska,

in town for a sombrero conference.

Can I offer you turn-down service?

Well, as you can see, my
bed's already been turned down.

If I can't offer you turn-down service,

perhaps I can offer
you turn-on service.

Well, whatever on earth is that?

Take off your pant. I show you.

Now, why would I do that?

Because it involves a part of your body

currently covered in pant.

Well, this is all very confusing.

But okay.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

TANDY: Oh, Gail!

Gail! Gail!

Little help?!

Yeah, sure.

Ah.

Yeah, friggin' Jasper ditched me!

Little turkey.

So, there's a switch up on the
control panel right up there...

Yeah, yeah, I've operated
one of these suckers before.

Oh, no, no! No, no!

I think you're doing the wrong button!

- Nope. This is the one I was looking for.
- No... Ah!

(SHOUTS)

Thank you!

Tandy, where have you been?

Well, uh, I was teaching
Jasper some junkyard science.

Then, uh, Gail came by

and taught me about medieval gravity.

You saw Gail?

(GASPS) How was she?

What was she doing?

Ooh, tell me everything.

I don't know, you know,
I think she was shopping.

Oh, that is so Gail.

She loves obtaining items she needs.

Wha... how'd she look?

Fine, I guess. You know, still
looked to have all her teeth.

What was she wearing?

Well, I don't know, uh, top, bottom.

- Yeah.
- You know. Shoes, maybe.

Um, little scarf thing.

Oh.

(GRUNTS)

Life really does go on, huh?

I mean, generally, yes,

but, uh, not quite
sure I'm following here.

Come on, Tandy, can you ever
remember Gail wearing a scarf?

Uh... I don't know.

Well, I do know.

And the answer is no.

She never ever has.

Ever.

Ugh, I knew this would happen.

Care Bear, it's okay.

Knew what would happen?

Missing important life moments.

(SIGHS) And this is day one.

I mean, who knows what I'll miss next?

Maybe she'll start cinching her shirts,

or cutting tree nuts out of her diet,

or... yell-sneezing.

I'm sorry, I just... I miss her so much.

Hey, hey, hey. I have an idea.

Why don't you and I pop over
to Gail's and say hi? Huh?

Reconnect.

No, I don't want to bug her.

How much you want to bet
she's over there right now

missing you just as much?

Do you really think so?

I know so.

Let's do it.

- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.

Mom!

Hi.

- Oh!
- (LAUGHS)

We just, uh, dropped by to say hi.

Gail, you look like
you haven't aged a day.

(CHUCKLES)

It's good to see you.

I got you a little gift.

Um...

It's called a walk and talk machine.

I thought it'd be a great
way to keep in touch.

- Okay.
- (LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE)

GAIL: Um...

Uh...

(SIGHING): Okay.

- TODD: Absolutely.
- MELISSA: You're so funny.

(LAUGHTER)

- Yep. - Hey.
- Oh, hey.

You're having a dinner party.

Oh, that's fun.

Without us.

Oh, that's bad.

Oh, well, it's not a big
deal, Carol. It wasn't, like,

- some planned thing.
- Yeah, we had just run out of coconut oil,

and came over to borrow some,

and they invited us in for dinner.

I was gonna come get y'all,
but then I had a glass of wine,

and I just kind of got wine legs.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Come on, Carol. Y'all
live, like, a mile away.

Well, I don't know about wine legs,

but my very pregnant
legs walked that mile.

- Carol...
- No, it's fine.

- Really, it's all good.
- Okay. Why don't y'all

just come on in, sit
down and have something?

Carol Pilbasian-Miller
doesn't crash parties.

She throws them.

- Oh, Carol. - Carol.
- Come on, Carol.

Oh, brother.

You know, we have coconut oil, too.

We have it, too.

(HUFFS)

Oh, my God.

(WIND HOWLING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ugh.

Hey, Melissa. You know what?

We-we've been going at it all night.

Look, I-I...

Not that I haven't
enjoyed every minute of it,

I just... (SIGHS)

You think you could give me a
few minutes to catch my breath?

I'm really dragging here, hon.

Who's this "Melissa"
you're talking about,

you little piece of crap?

(GROANS)

Melissa's nobody.

And what's your name?

My name's Spike Sanchez.

And your name's Dirt.

You got that, you little piece of crap?

Yeah, I'm s-I'm sorry, Spike.

My mistake.

You're a mistake, is
what your mother said.

Yep. I'm a big mistake.

My mother never meant to have me.

Shut up and give me your lunch money.

I don't have any lunch money, Spike.

Well, then, I guess we'll have
to find another way to pay.

Take off your pants!

Well, this is all very
confusing, but okay.

Mm.

GAIL: Can you believe that?

ERICA: Did she say anything to you?

No, she just left it right
there on the doorstep.

Look, I kind of get it.

Oh, you're gonna take her side on this?

No, I'm always on your side.

I am just saying, she's
extremely pregnant,

her hormones are out of whack

and she's just adjusting
to living without you.

Aw, crap, you're right.

(SIGHS)

Okay, maybe I should just apologize

so we can move the hell on.

Yeah.

What?

(LAUGHS SOFTLY) You're just amazing.

- Oh...
- Mm.

(WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLING)

- What is that?
- CAROL (OVER WALKIE-TALKIE): Mom.

- (WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPING)
- Mom!

- Oh, it's a walkie.
- CAROL: You there?

- Mom!
- I'm here. What's wrong?

Where have you been?

I've been calling for you.

I'm in labor!

- Oh, my God, are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure!

Where are you?

Uh, uh, I'll be right there.

- You go, I'll meet you there.
- Okay, okay.

- Okay.
- CAROL: Hurry, Mom!

CAROL: Mom!

Just hold tight, Carol,
I'm coming as fast as I can.

CAROL (CRYING): Hurry,
please, I'm so scared.

Keep breathing, I'll be there soon.

TANDY (OVER WALKIE-TALKIE):
Oh, my God, I think it's coming!

It... what do we do, Gail?

Help! I-I don't know
what the hell I'm doing!

- I'm almost there, hon.
- TANDY: Push, Care Bear,

you got this! Gail, hurry, please!

I think I see the head!

Oh, keep pushing!

(PANTING)

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, Carol.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Where were you?

(SCREAMS)

Are you a fish?

'Cause you just got schooled.

(BOTH LAUGH)

What the hell, Carol?

I just wanted to see if you'd come.

You honestly think I wouldn't come

for my own grandchild's birth?

I honestly don't know anymore.

Carol, are you okay?

Where's the baby? Did we miss it?

You all missed it!

- (SCREAMING)
- Oh, my God!

- (BABY CRYING)
- Oh, honey. It's okay.

Now, if this had been the real thing,

none of you would've been here.

And it'll probably happen a lot faster.

The Pilbasians are notorious for
their cheetah-like birth speeds.

Tandy, are you wearing a diaper?

Yeah, it's called
committing to the role.

Well, you look ridiculous.

This is messed up.

I ran all the way over
here with a week-old baby.

And I haven't slept in, like, 36 hours.

Okay? I'm hot, I'm dehydrated.

I mean, this is literally
the last thing I needed.

Thanks a lot, guys, really.

You're welcome.

Come on, Todd, back to it.

Yes, Mistress Celeste.

Ah.

Oh, Gail.

Well, that was not received well.

But I think they got the message.

Well, we had to prove our point.

And a point always hurts
because it's so sharp.

I can't believe I had
to untie you for that.

(GRUNTS) Please, just give me a sec.

(TODD GROANS)

You okay?

Yeah.

Look, I'm-I'm just gonna
pop over to the store

and get some more energy drinks.

Okay. Hurry back.

Yeah.

Look at that diagram.

Yeah.

It's beautiful.

So that's the pelvis.

GAIL (OVER WALKIE-TALKIE):
Hey, Carol. You there, hon?

Look, I've thought things through,

and I realize that maybe you were right.

I-I don't know what I was thinking,

but bottom line,

I owe you a big fat apology.

So what do you say?

Will you accept my...

(SCREAMS)

Mom. Mom, are you all right?

GAIL (GROANING): No, Carol.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I was walking and I fell down a well.

Oh, God. There's a whole bunch
of spiders and snakes down here.

(SCREAMING)

- Good one, Gail.
- ERICA: I'm in trouble too, guys.

(CRYING): I just stepped
on a bear trap. No!

Oh, the pain.

Dawn, crawl for help.

GAIL: A bunch of damn
snakes just bit me.

(GAIL GROANS) I don't know how many.

- I lost count after 20.
- (MELISSA LAUGHS)

I'm bleeding like Niagara
Falls over here. (GROANS)

(GROANING): Oh. Oh, God.

- How dare they?
- (AUDIO FEEDBACK WHINES)

Faking a birth is one thing,

but falling down a snake well

and getting caught in a
bear trap, respectively,

are no laughing matters.

Yeah. Lost a cousin
to a bear trap. Yeah.

TODD: Guys, something's wrong.

My heart is racing like crazy.

(LAUGHING): Yes. Todd.

MELISSA: Oh, guys.
When it rains it pour...

Todd, I need help, too.

I'm being attacked by chupacabras.

TODD: I think I'm having a heart attack.

I'm in the store. I'm in the queso fundido aisle.
No.

I wish I was having a heart attack

because these chupacabra's fangs

- are like meat cleavers.
- Melissa.

No, somebody, quick. I
need like a dulling agent,

- or chupacabra repellant quick.
- Melissa.

TODD (QUIETLY): Wisconsin.

What?

Todd, what did you say?

TODD (BREATHLESSLY): Wisconsin.

Wisconsin. Oh, my God, Todd.

Todd! Todd!

Todd!

Todd!

Todd! Todd, wake up.

Todd, wake up.

Wake up, Todd.

Guys, please come help.

I don't know what's wrong with him.

I think Todd had a heart attack.

Dawn just crawled into a baby bear trap.

MELISSA: Guys! This is real!

He won't wake up. I
don't know what to do.

You have to help. We're at the store.

- Oh, my God.
- We're on our way, hon.

You were right to turn it off.

Oh, they went past the
acceptable level of lying.

Like a golf ball on a parking lot,

- a bad lie.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, look who came crawling back.

Shut up, Carol. We need oxygen

- and a heart monitor right now!
- Yeah, okay. I'm on it.

- Okay.
- GAIL: Ready?

- One, two, three.
- (GRUNTING)

- Okay, what do we do?
- I already did chest compressions

and got him to swallow an aspirin,

so hopefully, that'll help.

This is all my fault. I
shouldn't have done any of it.

MELISSA: No, this is my fault.

I pushed him too hard.

I thought we were having fun.

This is all of our fault,

and none of our fault. It just is.

God, why isn't that thing working?

It takes a minute to kick in.

- Is the generator going?
- Yes, it's on.

GAIL: Okay.

(WHISPERING): Come on. Come on.

Come on.

(EXHALES) That's a good sign.

(MONITOR BEEPING)

- Todd.
- (TODD GROANS QUIETLY)

Todd, can you hear me?

Mistress Celeste?

Oh, my...

Must've been all those
energy drinks I drank.

But I'm okay now.

I'll go get you some water.

Oh, thanks, hon.

Hi.

Brows are really coming back, bud.

Yeah. I guess we're both in recovery.

(SIGHS) Glad you're still here, bud.

I, myself, have never reached the point

of overexertion during sex,

you know, due to Carol's problem
with, uh, "finishing early."

- Yeah.
- Oh, don't tell Carol I said that.

She's embarrassed, but, uh,

y-you can tell the others if you want.

Okay.

(GAIL CHUCKLES)

GAIL: Oh, my God.

- Look at this ragtag crew.
- Mmm.

CAROL: Bunch of misfits. (CHUCKLES)

GAIL: I mean,

we're not always great together,

but clearly, we're much worse apart.

Mom, are you saying what
I think you're saying?

Oh, my gol!

(BOTH LAUGH)

But,

under one condition.

If we're all gonna live together,

it's definitely not gonna
be in this crap hole.

Okay. Let's go ask the others.

(CAROL LAUGHING)

♪ Where you going? ♪

♪ I don't mind ♪

♪ I've killed my world ♪

♪ And I've killed my time ♪

Synced and corrected by Octavia.
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