The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 3, Episode 9 - If You're Happy and You Know It - full transcript

Carol is feeling depressed about Gail's absence so Tandy takes her on the honeymoon vacation they never had.

Previously on The Last Man On Earth...

Melissa's gone.


Has anybody seen my mom?

She's probably just up in Napa.

I'm stuck in the elevator!

What was that?

- Melissa?
- Please don't shoot us.

- Hey, guys.
- My God.

Let's get you home, hon.

Don't leave! I'm in the elevator!

Come here, you dumb little robot vacuum.

Come on.

I ain't gonna hurt you.


What are you laughing at, Gordon?

That little SkyMall R2D2

is gonna be our ticket out of here.

And we're gonna get the sumbitch.

We're gonna get you!

So, you-you can't tell us anything

about the last couple days?

I was right here.

No, you weren't, hon.

You-you just disappeared,

and you took all your stuff with you.

The only thing you left behind was Alden

and a note that said good-bye.

Who's Alden?

Can I have my gun back, please?

Sorry. Yes. Of course.

- Tandy!
- N-No?

Sorry, no.

That's a no.


So what do we do here?

She's not right in the noggin'.

Okay, you mind if I take

the wheel for a smidge?

I got a simple tizzy, a simple test,

that I think should help us

get to the bottom, the butt,

of the situation.


Melissa, Melissa.

How many fingers

am I holding up?

Is that a dinosaur costume?

No, it was three.

Guys, this is bad, she
didn't even say a number.

Guys, look,

Melissa's exhausted.

Why don't we try to

just let her get some rest,

then figure this thing
out in the morning?

Yeah, but, Todd, what
if she wanders off again?

She's a danger to
herself, and maybe to us.

We can't just let her roam around here.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Tie her up, put her in stocks?

No. I don't know. I mean, maybe.

Yeah, I think we should tie her up.

We could lock her in
that focus-group room

with the two-way mirror,

keep an eye on her from in there.

But she's not a zoo animal!

Okay? When we accused her
of being crazy, she ran away.

So maybe we treat her
like a person this time.

I think this is a mistake.

Yeah, well, don't worry
about it, all right?

'Cause I'm taking care of her.

Melissa, hey.

Want to go for a little walk?

I'm already walking.

Hey, Care Bear. What's up?

- Paper shredder.
- Paper shredder?

I hardly knew her.

And boom goes the dinosaur!

What are you shredding?

My adoption papers.

- What? No, no, no!
- Good-bye cover letter.

No, no, no, no. Carol. Carol!

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no. No, stop, stop, stop.

What are you doing?
Why are you doing that?

Because it's a bunch of phony pepperoni.

- Baloney?
- I'm not hungry.

Look, Todd gave me a wake-up call.

I have been living in
a world of make-believe.

I mean, calling Gail "Mom"?

She's not really my mom.

You can't force someone
to be your family.

- Who does that?
- Hey, Carol,

the day you forced me to marry you

was the best day of my life.

- Okay, stop it.
- No, look.

As I recall,

we never went on a
honeymoon, did we?

What do you say?

Tandy, I'm not in the mood.

Hey, let me tell you a little story.

There was once this woman named Stella,

and she just had this tremendous
amount of groove, right?

But then one day, for
reasons unbeknownst to me...

I never saw the movie,
it was based on a movie...

she lost it... it
just was gone, right?

But then somehow...
again, I don't know how;

I did not see this movie...

there was something that happened, okay?

And that led to the
return of her groove.

Tandy, I saw this movie,

and this has nothing to do with that.

She dies at the very beginning of it,

and then her two young employees

prop her up and pretend she's alive

for the whole weekend.

Exactly, Carol! See?

And this is just like
Weekend at Stella's, okay?

See, look, right now
your feelings are dead.

What we need to do is prop them up

and stuff them full of groove, right?

No, Tandy, you can't bring
dead things back to life.

Hey, you tell that to Jesus Christ,

and his buddy Frankenstein.

I guess you have a point.

Pack your bags. We leave tonight.

Come on, you stupid robot.

Soup's on.

You hungry for some wig?

Okay, Gordon.

Bait's set. Now we wait.

All right.

There you go.

See you tomorrow, okay?

Where are you going?

Well, I mean, we-we broke up, so...

We did?


That's too bad.

All right, well, good night.

Infused it with a little R&B
flavor, did you catch that?

It was a winning interpretation.

Well, then, join in.

I'm doing British invasion this time.

Okay? Ready?


That's my name.

Say it again, I'll tell you the same.

Well, I'm gonna get some sleep.

Okay, well, great. When
you wake up tomorrow,

well, we'll be there.

And rest up, 'cause I got

a lot of fun things
in store for you?

Until then, I'll be singing
a little reggae?

She gone.

I'm getting pretty good.

Just trying to figure
out these landings.

Increase altitude. Increase altitude.

Increase altitude? It always says it.

- No, I'm trying to land!
- Increase altitude.

Terrain alert.

I know there's terrain!

I'm trying to land on the terrain!

- Terrain alert. Pull up.
- I will not.

I am my own person.

Pull up. Terrain alert.

Pull up. Terrain alert.

Damn it!

Landing unsuccessful.

Yeah, I saw, you fricking dong!

Sorry for my language,

but this thing just has it out for me.

No, Lewis. It earned that dong.

Hey. You guys seen Melissa?

No. Is she missing again?


She's here to the max.

Yep. Know exactly where she is.

Totally accounted for.
She's clear and present,

and there is no danger.

Almost there.

You excited?


Almost there.

Just a little further.

Little further.

Happy honeymoon!

What's all this?

I recreated the campsite

where we first met.


I was wearing these fashionable duds.

Had that big, sexy beard.

I was over here,

sniffing up on your
brassiere like a gentleman.

And remember what you did?

Yeah, I pulled a gun on you.

Popped up outta nowhere.

Scared the bejesus out of me.

Made me wet my panties.

But you said they were wet

from something before.

Well, that wasn't true.

I was a lying skunk back then.

But not anymore.

See, today, I'd proudly
admit that that wetness

came from my penis.

And that's all 'cause of you, girl.

I-I don't want to hear

that there's no magic in this world,

'cause you David Copperfielded me.


Thanks, Tandy.

Hey, want to go do some fishing?

There's no fish.

Really? 'Cause I have a sneaky suspicion

that you're about to catch a whopper.

And there might even be

a little cheese on there. Come on.


My God! My God.

We got a bite.

Yes. Gotcha.

You little crumb gobbler.

Don't fight me.

Mama's got plans for you.

Hey, Care Bear.

How's the fishing doing?

My God.

My God.

No way. I got something on here.

You want to reel it in?

I don't know how.

Okay. I got it, I got it.

It's a fighter.

It's a fighter.

It's a... I got it, though.

I got it.

What species is this?

My God.

Shut the hell up.

A mink coat.

Please be a men's.

Please be a men's.

Fudge, it's a ladies.

You want to try it on?

No. It's soaking wet, so...

Tell you what. Why
don't we let it dry off,

and I'll be right back. Okay?

Okay, be back in a little bit.

Going to do something.

Okay, Tandy.

What'd you put on there?

- What?
- My line.

My God.

My God!

- Can you stop messing around?
- No, no, no.

I put a Rembrandt on mine,

but I didn't put anything on yours.

What? What do I do?

I-I didn't do that.

- My goll.
- Reel it in. Reel it in.

My goll.

Help, Tandy! Tandy!

Look at this! Tandy!

I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

It's a fish!

You got a better idea?

I didn't think so.

Go, Tron!

Find the others!

No. No!


See you in hell, robo-turd.

Damn it!

Where the hell are you fricking people?!

Come find me!



Is Melissa gone?


Well, no.

Of co... I-I was just
singing, "Melissa."

You know, that Allman Brothers song.


She's gone, man.

I-I've... I-I looked

everywhere for her.

I knew that we should've restrained her.

No. Look, stop saying that.

We just need to figure
out where she is, man.

Why don't we start with the roof?

My God.


Can you, can you,

can you please get down from there?

It's-it's really not safe.

Why, are you worried I'm gonna jump?

- No, no, no, no! Please don't do that!
- No, no, no.

Do what? This?

Melissa! Melissa, please.
Come down from there.

I'm begging you.


What's up?

What... what are you
doing up there, hon?

I don't know.

Hey, hon.

You want to take,
just a little walk with me?

Cute little sucker?

What do you think, boy or girl?

Definitely a girl.

- Yeah? How can you tell?
- Yeah.

Well, fish have famously
pronounced penises.

Or is that horses?

Either way,

my gut is telling me this
is a little fish girl.

Works for me.

Should we name her?

Yeah, sure.

Why don't you do the honors?

I want to name her Gail.

Gail it is.

I think I want to go
back to the motor home.

But I thought we were
starting to have fun.

Let me finish.

I want to go back to the motor home

and have honeymoon sex with my husband.

Well, let me go wash my balls.

Keep 'em dirty.

Carol Pilbasian Miller!

Just kidding, please wash them.

Where should I put down my sleeping bag?


Why would we do sexy
camping jibber-jabber

when we're already camping?

So we're going
the other way with it.

Okay. You want me to

pull down the duvet cover

on our big, fancy, indoor bed?

Yeah, that's more like it!

How big is the bed, Tandy?

California King.

What's the sleep number?

It's, 15 for me and 54 for you,

- for a grand total of 69.
- Ooh,

that's firm.

What's the thread count on these sheets?

- It's high, Carol!
- How high?

- It's really high!
- No!

These sheets are for company!

It's too late, they're already on

and tucked real tight
with hospital corners!

Love this room.

Isn't it great?

It's fine.

You trust me, right?


We think it's a good
idea for you to,

be in here.

You know, um,

just until you,


just for a little while.

I don't want to stay in here.

- I'm sor...
- Don't touch me.

- It's for your...
- Get away from me!


Todd, the door is locked.

Todd, the door is locked!


They're not gonna find me.

I'm just gonna frickin' die here.

God, I'd give anything to see those...

frickin' idiots right now.


Farts are a natural bodily function,

and I took it as a sign that
you were completely uninhibited.

In fact, I hope you do it again.

- Gail!
- My God!

No, no, no, no!

What do we do?

What do we do? Mouth-to-mouth!

What? No.

No, Tandy, you have to do

the exact opposite of that!

Suck the air out!


you have to put water into it!

Okay, okay!

Stay with me, Gail!

Don't go to the light!


- Tandy!
- No!


She's gone.

Well, Gail?

I guess this is it.

You lived longer than most.

And we're so sorry.

We took you out of your pond

and you died because of it.

But if it's any consolation,

you didn't die in vain.

Thanks for showing me that
miracles still do exist

in this world.

No, no, no, Gail!



It's Gail! It's Gail!

Gail's alive!