The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 3, Episode 7 - Mama's Hideaway - full transcript

Carol will stop at nothing to get the perfect family photo. In the meantime, Melissa has her own mission, Lewis looks for a new hobby and Gail ends up in a scary situation.

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

Oh, is this Mark?

The last time you saw him
he was on his way to Tokyo?

- Mark is dead, Tandy!
- Who knows?

What if he comes back in the future?

Leave him a note with our address.

Adoption papers?

If you're gonna be
the baby's grandmother,

then I need to be your daughter.

Oh, hell, where's the damn papers?

So, let's get busy getting busy.

You're not okay, Melissa!

Something is seriously wrong with you.

Hi, Mom.

Hi... daughter.

Are you ready for family photo time?



I know. It's the best, right?

Mm... So, wait.

What are we talking? Is
it hands on the shoulder,

leaning on a fence, just
generally being tools?


Okay. Let's get it over with.

Come on.

Oh, goodie. Here.

Oh, no.

Oh, they're your size.

Yeah. Okay, I'm really not

into the matching outfit
kind of thing, hon.

Oh, but they're for our Christmas cards.

Sorry. Holiday cards. Wait.

Klosterman. What are we?

We are from the church

of what you're wearing
is what you're wearing.

Tandy, she's pushing
back on the clothes!

Come on, Mom. What's the issue?


Huh. That's weird.

Wonder what happened there.

Anyway, Mom...



Oh, look at that.

- Lewis.
- Hey.

Hi, Lewis!


What's with the, uh...

cool outfits?

They are cool, right?

We're taking our family photo.


we're trying to, but my mom
is throwing a real wrench

into the works.

I'm sorry. Your mom?

Carol made Gail legally adopt her

so Gail could be our baby's grandma.

One of those deals.

And now Mom won't wear

the outfit, so the
family photo's ruined.

Well, why don't you

just take the picture
wearing normal clothes?

I mean, is the matching outfit

really that important?

It's a family photo.


Uh, anyway, Tandy,

I just wanted to thank you again

for our trip.

That really inspired me.

Hey, well, your love
for Mark inspires me

to be a better husband to Carol.

So take that and put it in your butt.

Uh, literally.

I think you meant metaphorically.

Oh, yes. "Metorically." Sorry.

Close enough.

And you're close
enough for a little hug.

Get in here.


Proud of you, bud.

Your smile is super
infectious, like the virus, huh?

And again, I mean that metorically.


What, Todd?


Who's this?

This is Alden.

Right. Okay.

Well, hi, Alden. How you doing, buddy?

Todd, he's not real.

Okay, good. Thank God. I... Sorry...


Shh. Mommy didn't mean it.

Stop. Oh. Shh.

Mommy didn't mean it.

He heard what I said. He's very upset.

Well, uh, listen,
about-about the other night,

I'm real... I'm really
sorry for upsetting you.

I was just concerned about you, and I...

Oh, don't worry.

- It's not your problem anymore.
- No. Sure it is.

I'm your boyfriend, so...

- Not anymore.
- What?

Oh. I'm breaking up with you.

I want a baby, you don't
want a baby, so you can leave.


I'm staying right here, okay?

Listen to me. You are not
okay, and I want to help you.

And I don't need your help!



If that's what you want.


There. Shh.

I scared you, didn't I?

Okay. Nap time.

Hi, Mom.

I'm not putting on one of
those dumb little trench coats,

if that's what y'all are thinking.

No way.

And we wouldn't expect you to.

No, you just sit there and relax

in the clothes that you're wearing.


Oh, good Lord.


Uh, Mom, open your eyes.

I see what you're doing. Please?

- Get those eyes open.
- Come on.

- Hell no.
- Mother!

Look, I already told you,
I'm happy to take a picture

wearing normal clothes, but
I'm not gonna be the matriarch

of some weirdo family.

You are wearing normal clothes!

- Nice try.
- All right.

Well... we gave it our best, Tandy.

- Yup.
- Guess we're giving up.

- Uh-huh.
- You go back to your day.

Fine. Leaving the room now.

On my way out now.

Bye-bye, Tandy.

You can hear his feet getting
further and further away.

Oh, he's rounding the far corner.

Oops. He dropped something.

Did you hear that way over there?

And he's gone.

Aw, just the two of us.

You can open your eyes now.

Mom, open 'em.

You know what?

Y'all got to get up a
little earlier in the day

to pull one over on Gail Klosterman.

You can follow me, but
I'm not gonna open my eyes.

- Uh-oh!
- Oh, come on.

Mother Hubbard, a triple rainbow!

A human centipede with
George Clooney at the front!

A Nebuchadnezzar of wine!

Ooh, ooh. Uh, snakes!

Watch out, Mom! It's an open shaft!


Increase altitude.

Increase altitude.

Stall. Stall. Stall. Stall.

- No, no, no, no, no!
- Stall.

Increase velocity.

Velocity. Uh, switch...

- Increase velocity. Pull up.
- Throttle up. Throttle up!

Terrain alert. Pull up. Terrain alert.

Pull up. Terrain alert.

Well, that's the craziest
video game I've ever seen.

It's actually a flight simulator.

- You learning how to fly?
- Well,

figure, if I get good
enough... I don't know...

maybe one day I can fly off
to Tokyo and look for Mark.

That is so beautiful.


Sorry. Hormones, and it's beautiful.

I'm just really happy for you.

It's like Christmas Day,

and I got all the presents I asked for.

Hey, bud, how goes it?

Um, Melissa just broke up with me.


Oh. I'm sorry.

Uh, the "yes" was about
the plate, not the breakup.

As for the breakup: no.

I'm worried about her,
man. She's not okay.

I want to help her,

but she just screamed
at me to get out, so...

Hey, how about I do a little
drive-by, see how she's doing?

Would it make you feel better?

Would you, bud?

Of course, bud. Heading there now.

There you are!

Were you hiding from me?

Whatever gave you that idea?

Mother-daughter intuition.

It's windy up here.

And yet, for reasons of my own,

I find it preferable
to being downstairs.

I was wondering if I could
expect you for dinner tonight.

That would be a firm no.

Oh. Aren't you a ray of sunshine!

I wonder if those colorful beverages

have anything to do with it?

You leave my beverages out of this!

I'm just saying,

maybe you'd be a little less snippy

if you were more hydrated.

Look, this is my Zen area.

Whatever I do up here is my business!

Not if your business is the
Big Tobacco and Alcohol trade!

Oh, my God, give it a rest!

I will not.

You are supposed to
be the responsible one.

You are the goll-dang
mom for ding-dong's sake,

you goll-dang ding-a-ling!


You're grounded! Go to your room!

- Seriously?!
- Yes!

You came up here, and you
interrupted Mommy's quiet time!

That is so unfair!

You just go on!

You just march on down there,

and you think about what
you've done, young lady.

I hate you! You're a monster!

Yeah?! Well, one of these
days, I'm not gonna be here,

and you're gonna be
so sorry you said that!

I can't wait!

All right, you go to your friggin' room!

Oh, my God, I'm gonna
have to find a new hideout.


Melissa, you in here?

Take off your pants.


Take off your pants.

I'm wearing cargo shorts.

Take off your cargo shorts.


We're gonna make a baby.


Come again?

We're gonna make a baby.

You-you got a baby.

This is a doll.

You're messing around,
right? Are you serious?

Let me show you how serious I am.

Melissa, I can't do that.
I'm married to Carol.

Carol was on board with you
getting me pregnant in Tucson.

That was back when I was a skunk, huh?

And as I recall, we dunked
that skunk, didn't we?

Okay. Bye. Get out.

I want you to know

I think you're a very special lady.

I know that you're gonna find someone

who makes you very happy.

Well, that was flattering.

Drink too much.


Think about what I've done.

Fine. Here's what I've done.

I'll show you drinking too much.

Just jealous 'cause you're pregnant.

Oh, look whose eyes are open now.

Burn's on you, Mom.

Come on.

Hey, T.

You doing some pop-and-lock therapy?


I talked to Melissa.

Yeah, what'd she say?

Have a seat.


Look, I'm just gonna
come right out and say it,

'cause honesty is the language of buds.


Melissa tried to initiate
a pregnancy bone session.

Yeah. And we're talking immediate ask.

Like, right when I got into the room.

It was almost aggressive.

Like a dingo.

I see.

Hey, if it's any consolation,
I turned her down right away.

If she's been with Todd,
I don't touch that bod.

Say that all the time.

Yeah, no, I-I know. It's
just... it's just weird.

Not that weird.

- I mean, come on.
- No, I mean,

it's just weird to have
her go to you and Lewis

to ask if you'd impregnate her.

I know, I know. Uh, uh...


Yeah, she did the same thing with him.

Oh, she did, now?



And, uh, when'd she
do that, uh, roughly?

- I don't know. Earlier today.
- But, uh,

after she came to me, yes?

- Yes?
- I-I... I don't know.

What's going on?

I know. I mean, there's no way

that she came to Lewis first, right?

No, I'm talking about the lights, Tandy.

Yeah, well, I am, uh,
talking about Melissa.

So, wh-when did he come
to tell you about this?

Tandy, I-I don't know.

C-Can we please stop
talking about this?

It's making me really sad, bud.

Uh, yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't care.

I mean, whatevs, right?

I mean, who cares? Probably Lewis.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I'm gonna go find Lewis.

- Do you know where he is?
- No.

Okay. Just unrelated.

Care Bear.

Care Bear, can I ask you something?

I'm-I'm kind of busy, Tandy.

Melissa tried to hit on me and Lewis.

- Oh. Uh-huh.
- Unfortunately,

it's not real clear, like,
who she approached first.

- Yeah, Tandy, can this wait?
- But you just don't want to get

the facts wrong on something
like this, you know?

I mean, you got to know that order.

Tandy, didn't you hear
me?! I said I'm busy!

And when a lady needs her
space, she needs her space.


What's up?

Think I just learned my lesson.



I need to apologize to Mom.


This looks like a good
place for Mama's hideaway.

Hey, bud! Heard you were
getting in on the flight game.


Let me know if you,
uh, need any pointers.

Uh, this isn't my first time
in a... in a plane front.

Plane front?

You know, the plane front,

where the, uh, plane
drivers drive the plane.

- The cockpit?
- Oh, cockpit.

Yeah, uh, sure, yeah, I've
heard people call it that, too.

Yeah, know it well. Know it well.



Damn it.

Heard that Melissa asked
you to be, uh, friends

with paternal benefits, huh?


Anyway, she asked me,
too. Surprise, surprise.

Uh, but just cur...
just, uh, curious, uh,

whenabouts, uh...
whenabouts did she ask you?

I don't know. Around breakfast.

Breakfast. Oh.

Are you, like, a-a breakfast
all day, uh, person?

No, I eat breakfast in the morning.

Oh, you do. Okay.

But, like, 11:59 a.m. still qualifies

as, uh, morning to some.

I eat very early.

Congratulations, my friend.

Friggin' lobby.

What the hell?

Damn it. What is going on
with the power in this tower?

I think we might be overloading it.

Oh, come on.

Hey! Can anybody hear me?!

Go, elevator!

Go down!


Hey, can you hear me?!

Yep. Overload. Look at this.

You see, we're running
energy into all five buildings

- in this complex.
- Uh-huh.

And we never use those other buildings.

So you see what I'm saying?

Blow up the other buildings, yeah?


Shut off their power.

Shut off their power.

That way, ours won't be so diluted.

Won't be so diluted.
Won't be so diluted.

Yeah, great minds, huh?

Starting to see what Melissa saw in you.

All right, let's check the breakers

and see which one is ours.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, yes!

That's not it.

- Oh!
- That's the one.

So we just use this one, and
all our power issues are solved.

You are a genius, huh? Screw
the other buildings, right?

Screw 'em.

Oh, farts.

♪ Love in an elevator ♪

♪ Living it up when I'm going down ♪

♪ Love in an elevator ♪

♪ Loving it up till
I hit the ground. ♪

That's not right.


Come on.


No, Alden!


Never swim within 30 minutes of eating.



Excuse me,

I'm lookin' for my old pal, Andy.

Resides in Shawshank.

What are you doing?

It's me, Red.

Now, can I talk to my old pal, Andy?

Okay, look,

you can push me away all you want,

but I'm gonna be like
a friggin' boomerang.

Coming right back every time.

Because that's what you
do for the people you love.


Time to get our rescue on.

You better not freakin' ricochet on me.

Ow! Oh! Oh!

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ♪

♪ Do you know the way to San Jose? ♪

♪ I've been away so long ♪

♪ I may go wrong and lose my way ♪

♪ Do you know the way to San Jose? ♪

- ♪ I'm going back to find some peace
of mind in San Jose ♪ - ♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ L.A. is a great big freeway ♪

♪ Put $100 down ♪

♪ And buy a car... ♪

- Hey, has anybody seen my mom?
- ♪ Maybe in a week or two... ♪

- No. Uh-uh.
- No.

I can't find her anywhere.

Oh. Well, you check her room?


You check her wine cubby?


You check inside your butt?


Guys, come here.

It's an emergency.

What, what?

What is it? What is it?


That was me!

Is anybody out there?!

Over here.



Hey, I hear you!

I'm in the elevator!

She's gone.

I heard you! I heard you!

Please! Please, I'm in the elevator!


Help! Come get me! Help!


Hey, hey!

Hey, I hear you!

Can you hear me?!

I'm in the elevator!

Please! Help, help!