The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Open-Ended Nature of Unwitnessed Deaths - full transcript

Tandy wants to learn about Lewis' past, while Carol asks Gail a favor and Todd helps Melissa deal with her mental state.

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

Appears to be a totally
self-sustainable building.



It's not me!

Then who the hell did?

I did!

You breaking up with me?

Melissa's not well.

She needs you right now.

I'm finally ready to
have a baby with you.

Hey, Lewis.

I wanted to apologize for accusing you

of sabotaging the building,

and I thought it'd be fun to
frame that apology in a song.

Sorry, Tandy, this is
not really the time.

What's wrong, bud?

Today would've been my
anniversary with Mark,

so I'm just not in the mood
for whatever this is gonna be.

Mark was your partner?


Change of plans.

Apology song now a
tribute-to-Mark song.

So just tell me five things about him.

Actually, I-I know he's
Asian, so just four things.

He's not Asian.


Gay though?


Okay, so just three more things.

Come on, Lewis. Give me the deets.

He was a Pisces,

we lived in Seattle,
and last time I saw him,

he was boarding a flight to Tokyo.

Got it.

* Mark, Mark, if approached in a park *

* I bet he'd say "My name is Mark" *

* Mark, Mark, if he had an ark *

* Bet he'd sail in the dark *

* And go to a park with a shark *

* Mark, Mark *

* Marcia Clark *

* Lark *

* Closure, closure,
closure, closure, closure *

* The closure that I feel
in my bones and my teeth *

* Closure, closure,
closure, closure, closure *

* Closure for you *

* And for my... *

* Mark, Mark, Mark. *

Thank you very much.

That didn't help at all. Yes.


So, last time you saw him,
he was on his way to Tokyo?

He went on a business trip.

The virus broke out.

They grounded all flights.

Last I heard from him,
he was trying to charter

some kind of boat to get back here.

My God, that's awesome!

So he's sailing out here?

That was three years ago, Tandy.

So he must be getting close.

Tandy, come on.


He died.

Well, maybe.

I'll even go so far as to say probably.

But who knows?

Okay, got another song
coming at you, okay?

* Mark, Mark, may I remark *

* That your lover, Mark *

* Could possibly be alive *

* Open-ended *

* Open, open-ended *

* The open-ended nature
of unwitnessed death *

* Open-ended *

* Open, open-ended *

* He's running down the
hallway and hanging a right *

I see you!
* Open ended *

* Open, open ended *

* Got to talk more about
this Mark situation. *




You can't drink right now.

Yeah, funny you should mention that.

I was going through my old baby clothes,

and I realized something
that made me so sad.

My baby will never have a grandma.

Or fresh food or friends or a prom.

It'll have a prom.


I was just wondering if
you would ever consider

being my baby's grandma.

I'm not sure I'm
loving the ring of that.

Well, we can come up
with another name for it.

Mama Klosterman, Grammy, Gamgam,
Bubbie, Mumsy, Mimsie, Mimi,

Nana, Gaga, Goo-goo, Zaza,

Lala, Tata, Jaja, Fafa,

Biba, Popo, Nono, Caca,
Shasha, Nee-Nee-Nee...

Are you having some kind of a stroke?

A stroke of genius.


I'm not sure I feel like

being the old-ass
granny right now, so...

- But this...
- It's a no, Carol.

Hey, Lewis.

I like the place.

Really coming together?

Is this Mark?



What do you want, Tandy?

I want you to come with me to Seattle.

Why Seattle?

Got a little surprise for you.

Does it have
anything to do with Mark?


Mark is dead. Now please leave.

Okay, now, wait a minute.

Y-You said yourself,
you never saw him die.

So, who knows,

So, let's go. Come on.

Come on, let's do it.

Tandy, I'm not going
to Seattle with you.

I'm afraid I insist!

Hey, Lewis, I just wanted to see

if you could help me out
with a very important chore.

I know what you're doing.

You're trying to get me in your car

so you can drive me to Seattle.

No, I'm not.

Swear on your baby's life.

I swear on my baby's bife.

What's a bife?

I have a cold.

Tennis with the Williams
sisters' rackets?

Come on!

Could you help me,
reattach my eyebrows out here?

Gardening, anyone?

- I'm not going to Seattle.
- Seattle? What?!

I'm not... Okay.

Tandy, I am not going to Seattle!

I know.

I-I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

You know, I thought

I would be helping, but
I was doing it more for me

than I was for you.

It was so selfish.


anyway, I got you a
little anniversary present.

Used the bad wrap job.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

This is gonna be really
good for you, though.

So sorry.

What possible reason do you
have for taking me to Seattle?

Mark is not gonna be there!

Well, he may not be there now,

but what if he comes
back in the future?

I mean, he needs to know
where we are, and that is why

we're gonna leave him
a note with our address.

Mark is dead, Tandy!

Well, my brother was dead, too.

He was up in space.

Not Tokyo, but friggin' outer space.

And then somehow, my
dead brother managed

to make it to Earth and
find me in Malibu, alive.

Now, if a miracle could happen for me,

why can't it happen for you?

Because it can't, okay?

You know, I know why
you get short with me.

Must be so hard for you
to have to look at me

all the time and be reminded
of him every step of the way.

Reminded of who?

I think you know.

Kind of feel like masturbating.

In what way

do you think you look like Mark?

In what way do I not?

Bone structure, you know,
playfulness of the cheeks,

come hither eyes, pouty lips.

There is not one similarity.

That's what you should
keep telling yourself.

Nice miss.

Hello, lady friends.

So, Gail.

- Yeah?
- You're worried that

once a baby calls you Grandma,
you cease to be attractive.

Not so.

I made some drawings
to illustrate my point.

I call it "Grannies That You
Want to Get in Their Panties."


Check out these fine-lookin' memaws.


Goldie Hawn.

I bet she goes overboard

showering her grandkids with gifts.

She was in the movie Overboard.

Yeah, I got... I got it.

Beyoncé's mom.

Who runs the world?


Kris and Caitlyn Jenner.

Double granny whammy there.

And look at this.

There's you, Gail.

Wow, wow.

Okay, now, chapter two: Homely Lonelys.

These are plain women
who don't have grandkids.



Okay, Carol, okay, good.

Fine. Your kid can
call me Grandma or Memaw

or whatever the hell you want.

Just let me get back to my cornhole.

This is the best news.
Thank you so much!

- Throwing.
- Okay.

Yellow! Whoo!

We're getting close.

Tandy, this is ridiculous!

Please take that bag off of your head.

No can do, bud. I can't let
you fall in love with me.

I got too much respect for Mark.

It's dangerous.

And I'd say it's more dangerous
for you to see me without it.

Tandy, I...

Wait. Stop!

What? What?

That's our house.

It's showtime, bud.

Go on up there and, write that note.

This is so dumb, this
is all so dumb. Tandy!

Well, we're not leaving
here until you do it.

Damn it.


Hey, bud. You left the, front door

locked behind you, so I...


Did you think I was Mark?

My God.

That's my bad. That's a major beef.

- I'm so sorry. Look, I'm so sorry.
- Get out.

- No, no, no. I wasn't thinking.
- Get out of my house.

You are the most
frustrating, annoying lunatic

- I have ever met!
- Okay...

And I was on a boat with Pat!

There you are.

Took me forever to make
the proper paperwork.

So if I could just get
a few Jane Hancocks,

we'll be all set.

What is all this?

Adoption papers.

What? Why?

If you're gonna be
the baby's grandmother,

then I need to be your daughter. Duh.

Don't you think adoption papers
are a little bit unnecessary?

I would agree with you 100%

on opposite day.

These are very necessary.

Well, I happen to think
it's very necessary

for me to not sign them.

Gail! Why are you
trying to ruin my life?

Carol, do you really not
see how nutty this all is?

Hey, don't walk away from
me when I'm talking to you!

I'm going to my room!

Drinking a little, "chom-pag-nee"?

Mark and I were saving
it for our anniversary,

but what the hell.

No, no. No, don't open that.

No, you got to save that
for when Mark comes back.

God, you are a broken record.

No, no, Lewis, come on, please,

please, please don't open it.

Trust me. Please, please.

You think it's so dumb to
leave a note, don't you?

Well, I have a story
about leaving a note.

I was gonna kill myself.

I was just gonna drive into a rock.

And I don't know why, but I looked up

and I saw this plume of smoke,

and it was Carol.

And she saved me.

And the only reason that
Carol showed up there

was 'cause of those signs.

Those "Alive in Tucson" signs.

Signs that I was positive
nobody would ever see.

So don't leave your note.

You know. Whatever.

I was just trying to help.

Enjoy your champagne.



I understand

you're a man who knows
how to get things.

What is all this, hon?

Why, it's Shawshank Prison, of course.

Look, Melissa, I just...

Who's Melissa?

Red, it's me, Andy.

Now, I understand you're a man
who knows how to get things.

Okay, look, this is fun and everything,

but I just, I'm not in the
mood to do this right now...


I understand you're a man
who knows how to get things.

I've been known to locate certain things

from time to time.

Can you get me a baby?

I don't think we have those.

Then I guess we'll have to make one.

So let's get busy gettin' busy,

or get busy dyin'.

Some say Red was a little concerned

about Andy at that point.

Red didn't want

to role-play anymore,

and just wanted to talk
to his old pal Melissa.

- She's right inside me.
- Look, enough!

You're not okay, Melissa!

Something is seriously wrong with you,

and we need to get you some help.

Ready to go?

There's just one last thing.

Carol, can I come in?

I don't care.

Okay, then. Entering.

Are you not gonna look at me?

I'm drawing.


Okay, well, I was gonna
apologize for calling you nuts,

but I guess...

But what? Now you're not?

Okay, forget this.

If you think it's so
dumb, then just sign 'em.

What's that?

I said, if you don't
care, then just sign it.

Carol, I cannot understand
you when you talk like that.

If you think the adoption papers

are so nutty, then who
cares if you sign them?

Because I'm not signing them.

And why the hell are they so
damn important to you anyway?

'Cause they are!

And if they are, then
you should just do it!

So just sign them!

- No.
- Sign it!


- Just sign it!
- I'm not!

Why not?!

Because, Carol,

I've already been someone's mom,
and I don't want to do it again!

I had a son.

And he died.

I'm so sorry, Gail.

I didn't know.

Was it the virus?


* Sweet Caroline *

* Ba, ba, ba *

* Good times never seemed so good *

* So good, so good, so good. *

Okay, wait, wait, wait a second.

You're not supposed to sing.

You're supposed to be

all super sad and dour.

I left a note.

Yeah, I saw.

Look, he's probably gone.

But... who knows?

You know, maybe I'll get
lucky like you did with Mike.


My God. I'm-I'm
sorry I brought that up.

No, no, I-I can't imagine
how hard it must have been

for you to see your own brother pass.

But at least you know, right?


What's going on?

We got one more stop to make.

We're going to Tucson.


It's okay.

If I had known any of that,

I would have never done the
adoption papers or anything.

I just...

- The last thing I want to do is...
- I know. I know.

And, just so you know,

this wasn't really about
you being the grandma.

I think this was more
about me missing my own mom.

I just didn't think
I'd have to go through

having a baby without her by my side.

And you remind me of her.

Not in every way.

You drink. You smoke.

You swear.

You are bad at crafts, Gail.

And you run around with young men.

I guess, really, you just remind
me of her because of your age.

Okay, well...

And 'cause I love you.

I love you, too, Carol.

Aw, hell, where's the damn papers?

Really? No. We
don't have to do that.

If you want to, I would
love to, but we don't...

Carol, just go get them
before I change my mind.

You got it, Mom...!

You sure about this?


What's that?

That's Gary.

You okay?

I left a note.