The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 3, Episode 4 - Five Hoda Kotbs - full transcript

The gang goes to war with each other on a post-apocalyptic road trip.

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...


I put Gordon away. I
don't need him anymore.

She murdered someone,

and I don't think she's processing it.

We need to get out of here.
This place is a nightmare.

I can't live like this anymore!

I'm leaving tomorrow!

- Me, too!
- I'll go with you!

Where to?

This is your captain, Tandy Miller.

We are now officially
out of Los Angeles.

We got a brand-spankin'-new
1986 prison bus,

and we are 300 miles from San Francisco.


I'm gonna need another pee break. Over.

- No!
- No!

- No!
- Boo!

You just peed, like, ten minutes ago.

Got a baby sitting on my bladder.

Sorry not sorry. Over.

Carol, I'm a month
further along than you,

and I don't have to pee as much.

This is not the time for
petty jealousy, Erica. Over.

Hey, I haven't heard
from Gail in a while.

Hey, Gail-bird, you out there?

How's that self-driving
car treating you?

She overheat, or what?

Oh! Oh!

Son of a bitch!

Heel! Heel!

Bad car! How dare you disobey me!

No luck with these self-driving cars.

My friggin' accordion was in there!

Are you gonna be able to save her?

I have absolutely no idea.

Here, let me get in there, huh?

Let me give her a look-aroo.

Don't you need some tools?

Well, I'm already using
the biggest tool there is.

The human brain.

Very hot. Very hot.

Went for the same place,
would you believe it. Gurg.

Has not cooled down yet.

That's gonna blister.

Blister? Hardly knew 'er.

But, yes, it is.

Oh. Hey.

You packed Gordon.

Well, I...

- Yeah.
- I see.

I d... I did. I packed Gordon.

So what's the deal? You usin' again?

What is it to you, actually?

You have another girlfriend, Todd.

Yeah, but this is a hunk of plastic.

You know, it's just weird.

You better watch your
step there, Dudley,

'cause you're about to dip
your toes in a gator pond.

- I see.
- I mean, you haven't exactly

been available to me ever
since you been running around

after a crazy person.

Come on, Gail, "crazy" is a
little harsh, don't you think?

Is it?


Are you just getting your steps in, hon?

I'm just stretching my legs.
Been in the car for so long.

See? She just needed to stretch
her legs... totally normal.

Got to be alert. Never know
where it's gonna come from.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where's what's gonna come from?

If I knew that, I wouldn't
have to be running.

Yeah. Totally normal.

Hey. How'd it go with the Eliminator?

She dead.

Yep. Gave it all my lovin',

all my hugs and kisses, too,

but, looks like we're
gonna have to eliminate 'er

from the rest of the trip.

Sad boom.

Who wants snacks?

Ah, look at that!


Since we weren't gonna make it

to our final destination till tomorrow,

I thought I'd treat us
with a Golden Gate Bridge

made out of Twizzlers tonight.

- Carol.
- Wowee.

What are all these jelly beans?

Oh. Those are jumpers.

I like to show the realistic side.

Number one place to commit suicide...

Because... it's so beautiful!

Oh! Carol, what the hell?

These are not jelly beans.

Oh, technically, they are.

They're adzuki beans
dipped in petroleum jelly.

That's disgusting!

Please, can we just get
to San Francisco already?

Amen to that.

Look, we've been through a lot.

I think we're all coming apart
at the seams a little bit.

Ah, my fingers are Bugles!

I'm eating my fingers.

It's okay, sweetheart.

Look, being on the
road is just stressful.

That's why so many
rock and roll marriages

don't go the distance.

- Circus performers, too.
- Yeah.

I once drove cross
country with my partner.

We thought it would be
a fun vacation, but, uh...

it was the worst.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lewis.

You went on vacay with
your business partner?

No, Tandy, I was talking about my lover.

You were lovers with
your business partner?

Talk about taboo!

You never mix business
with pleasure, bud.

You know better than that.

I was not business
partners with my lover.

Then who is your business partner?

I don't have a business partner.

But you just said you had a partner.

Did you mean "pardner"? You a cowboy?

No, Tandy. I'm gay.

You were gay.

Am gay. Currently.



Oh, my God.

Guys, are you hearing this?

- Yeah. Yep, yep. Mm-hmm.
- We did.

- He's gay.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, we have a gay population!

You know, I was pumped
when you were just Asian.

But a gay Asian? Hey, that
checks off two boxes for us.

And how perfect that we're
going to San Francisco.

The stars aligned!

Yeah, I've actually
never been there, so...

You have not been to San Francisco?

Get outta town.

You know, it's famously homosexual.

No slouch in the Asian
department, either.

- I'm aware, Tandy.
- You're aware?

I thought your name was
Lewis. Boom.

You'll love 'Frisco.
Oh, he'll love 'Frisco.

Lewis is gay.


What a wonderful turn of events.

My first gay friend.

I mean, when I look at
our little caravan here,

it's hard not to think
about how Noah must have felt

when he was loading up that ark.

I mean, we got a real
Benetton ad going here.

We're creating

a new society, and I couldn't
think of a better place

to do that than San Francisco.

Well, San Francisco's
ears must be burning,

'cause it's right up ahead.

Folks, this is your captain,
Tandy Miller, speaking.

We're in our final descent.

Y'all ready to get your San Fran on?

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

The home of Alcatraz, Coit Tower,

and, of course, Lombard Street,
the least straight street

in the world. Lookin' at you, Lewis.

Be on the lookout
for Tony Bennett's heart,

for legend has told he left it
somewhere within city limits.

Now put some flowers in
your hair, 'cause here it is.

The city by the bay!

Beautiful San Francisco!

Oh, farts.

Well, this is just great.

No, it's not great, Gail!

This is where we're supposed
to go, and now it's all burnt.

Fire must've started and I
guess there was no one to put it out.

How do you think it happened?

You know, lightning, friction
from a severe sandstorm,

fire ants, certainly natural causes.


♪ If you're going to San Francisco ♪

♪ Make sure to set
off all the fireworks ♪

♪ In a fireworks factory. ♪

Now, that is a fireworks show.

Mother Nature can be so cruel.

Sorry, Lewis.

Tandy, again, I have no
ties to San Francisco.

Attaboy, rip it off like a Band-Aid.

Well, what do we do now?

God, we've got to get back

in the damn cars again, don't we?

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

Just think of a place that
has all the things we loved

the Golden Gate Bridge,

a prison island,
world's curviest street.

Okay, listen to yourselves.

It's not up to us.

I mean, did Noah load up his ark

and decide where he was gonna land?


We don't choose the place.

The place chooses us.

So why don't we just
get back in our arks,

and see where the flood takes us?

I'm guessing you think you're Noah?

I'm certainly not one of the jackasses,

if that's what you're implying.

It was.

Can we go?

This ash is messing with my sinusitis.

So, wait. We're just gonna

drive around aimlessly?

Who's Aimless Lee and why
would we drive him around, huh?


Okay, I'm riding with Lewis.

Come on. Let's go.
Let's hit the road.

I like it burned.

♪ Touching me ♪

♪ Touching you ♪

♪ Dun, dun, dun ♪

♪ Sweet Caroline ♪

Take it, Lewis!

♪ Bah, bah, bah ♪

♪ Good times never felt so ♪

♪ Goo... ♪

So good! So good! So good!

♪ I've been inclined... ♪


I-Is there a dial to
turn the music down?

One music turned down, coming at you.

♪ To believe in... ♪

♪ Whoo... ♪

This is fun.

You're thinking about him, aren't you?

Hells bells, Todd.

Are we still on this?

Yeah, we're still on this.
You're not over him, are you?

You are such an emotional minefield.

Well, thank you for the assessment.

That means so much coming
from someone as perfect as you.

Well, thank you for finally
acknowledging my perfection.

Well, you know, you
acknowledge it yourself

so much all the time,
I figured, why not?

- How did it feel?
- Oh, it felt great.

- Well, good for you.
- No, good for you.

- Oh, good for us.
- Good for us!

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

I spy something very trustworthy.

It has hair.

That hair is black.

It is conventionally handsome.

I do not see color, but it is Asian.

It is fake snoring.

It is having much more
fun than it's letting on.

You give up?





It was your seatbelt!


It was you.

Hot. I'm burning up. Could
you hit the AC please?

- It's nearly freezing
- Freezing?

Well, must be from heat poisoning.

So, if you could just AC me, full blast.

I'm sorry, but I think that
this is a fair temperature.

Well, should be nice and warm
for you down there in hell.

Okay, what's that supposed to mean?

Just that when the
day of reckoning comes,

I don't think Peter, Paul
or Mary will look too kindly

on the fact that you
denied air conditioning

to a pregnant woman.

I'm pregnant, too!

Oh, well, start acting like it!

Oh, you want AC?

Oh, what gave you that idea?

Here, take it! Suck it down!

This is Carol's fault
for running the AC full blast.

Yeah, well, Tandy's the idiot

who picked 30-year-old
novelty cars for a road trip.

They're American treasures, Gail.

Okay, okay, okay.
Todd, Todd. Okay, look.

Uh, w-we're all a
little tired and snippy,

so let's switch up
the mojo a little bit.

Remember, we still got two
cars, so if there's anyone

you don't want to ride with,
just hop in the other car.

I am so glad to not be
in the same car as Tandy.

If I had to ride with him, I
would literally kill myself,

and probably take others with me.

Come on.

This is great, huh?

I mean, Noah didn't have a
bunch of arks, he had one ark.

And this is exactly like that.

We're on a frickin' prison bus.

Eh, it's all a matter
of perspective, really.

You know, to me, feels like
we're the Partridge Family.

♪ On the first day of travel,
my true love gave to me ♪

♪ A Partridge Family prison bus ♪

♪ On the second day of travel ♪

♪ My true love gave to me... ♪

♪ Nine Matt Lauers,
eight Katie Courics ♪

♪ Seven Al Rokers,
six Savannah Guthries ♪

♪ Five Hoda Kotbs... ♪

I don't understand the connection!

♪ Four Willie Geists,
three Cokie Roberts ♪

♪ Two Willard Scotts ♪

♪ And a Partridge Family prison bus ♪

- ♪ On the tenth day of... ♪
- Okay, that's enough, Tandy!

You don't like my song?

- Sorry, bud, I hate it.
- What's the connection?

I don't understand.
Explain the connection.


Good God.

Tell me you didn't forget to gas it up.

I didn't forget to gas it up.

Then what happened?

I forgot to gas it up.

Then why did you just
say you didn't forget?

'Cause I told him to tell me
he didn't forget to gas it up.

I walked right into it.

My bizzle. My bad.

But, hey, there is a
bright side to this.

I mean, you all were
very recently complaining

that you hated riding
in these cars, huh?

♪ On the tenth
day of travel... ♪

- Shut up!
- That's enough, Tandy!

♪ Sweet Caro... ♪

So it's all songs. Okay, my bizzle.

Oh, my God! I'm dying!

And, Tandy, if you say, "You're dying?

I thought your name was Erica,"
I'm gonna punch you in the face!

You're gonna punch you in the face?

I thought your name was
Erica. Boom.

- What? You specifically told me to...
- No! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Hey, what is that?

Gail, is that your car?

- Oh, my God. No!
- What?! What?!

- Hey! Hey!
- No!

Get back here, car!


Well, that's got to
drive you crazy. Boom.

You freakin' jack weed!

Danny Partridge was in
The Partridge Family,

and he then went on to be in
a movie called The Jerk Theory,

which was written and
directed by Scott S. Anderson,

uh, who was acting in the
movie Midway to Heaven,

uh, which, of course, stared
Kirby Heyborne, who is in

a video short called "I Want
My Hat Back" with Galen Fott,

who did a small part in the
show Nashville with Katie Couric.

So there it is.

Tandy, I usually have your back,

but today you've been a
real pain in the front.

Hey, there's something up there!

Oh, my God, I see it, too.

Maybe they have food!

- Or water.
- Oh, hell,

I just want to sit in the shade.

See, I told you.

It's all part of the no-plan plan,

or should I say "Noah-plan plan."

Noah's ark. Boom.

Whatever it is, I'm
sure it's gonna be great.

A patio furniture store.

Couldn't have been a
freakin' supermarket

or an auto dealership.

Who would put a patio furniture
store in the middle of nowhere?

Well, rent must be dirt cheap.

That leads to low prices, good value.

People make the journey.


Ah. Hmm.

We could sleep in these chaises.

We need to figure out where we're going.

Why? It's been working out so far.

- Are you freakin' high?
- Yeah, we need a plan.

We don't need a plan.

I mean, do you think Noah had a plan

when he, like,
took out those... ?

Tandy, can I talk
with you for a minute?

But I'm-I'm... uh, just...

Come here. Come over here. Okay.

One minute.

Okay. Okay, uh, new deal.

The next natural step
in our no-plan plan

will be the plan phase.

Oh, come on, guys,

I am telling you, Tampa would
make a great place to live!

- One vote for Tampa.
- I'm not moving

all the way to Tampa!

Vancouver's only, like, 15 hours away.

- All right, Vancouver.
- That's crazy!

Do you know how far
Vancouver is from Dollywood?

- Ugh!
- Oh, my God.

If we're just yelling out

completely absurd things, I
want to move to Mount Everest.

Mount Everest.

Okay, it's been over two hours.

Somebody pick a place.

Portland is gonna
give us our best chance

at sustainable food sources.

Guys, we could already
be in Tampa right now,

sipping from the fresh waters
of the Hillsborough River!

- Just pick a freakin' place.
- God, if you love Tampa

so much, why don't you just marry it?

Well, I'll tell you
what. Tampa would make

a wonderful wife with its low climate

- and loving coastal breezes.
- Montana.

It's a big sky country.

Vancouver is obviously
the place that we need!

Okay. Forget this mess.

I'm out.

Gail, where are you going?!

I'm going to Napa.

Well, what if Lewis and I
don't want to go to Napa?

Then don't go.


Come on. We got to stick together.

Do we?

I mean, we're all that's left.

Whether it was by, you
know, chance or fate,

there's something that
brought us all together.

We can't just go off into the night.

Oh, don't make one of your
dumb-ass speeches, Tandy.

Oh, hell, I have heard
them so many times,

I know them by heart.

"We can't just go off into the night.

"We have to go on into the day. Boom.

"We got to stick together.

"Together? I hardly knew 'er. Boom.

"We're Noah's ark. Look at us.

"I'm Noah,

and you're all the animals."

That about the gist of it, Noah?

It's pretty close.

I don't know about the rest of you guys.

For me, I think my time has come.

Gail, come on. Wait.

We're a family.

I got news for you.

We're not a family.

We're all just a bunch of people

who happened to meet
at the end of the world.

Catch you on the flippity.

So you're just gonna go?

What gave me away, Todd?

Maybe we all just need
to take a little nap.

Why don't we pull up a chaise,

and we can just talk it out
outdoor slumber party style?

Hey, guys!

Melissa, what are you
doing up there, hon?

Just checking out the
view. You got to see this.

Oh, just give me a second, okay?

Gail's leaving.

Bye, Gail.

Bye, hon. Take care.

You should really see this
before you go. It's really cool.

Todd, go get her down from there.

Okay, just don't-don't go.
I'll be back in a minute, okay?

I hear chaises are
really good for your back.

It's so pretty.

Yeah, you know, I'm-I'm sure it is.

Now, please just
come-come down here, hon.

- You're not even gonna look at it?
- Look at what?


Hey, guys, you should come see this!

Isn't it pretty?

What the hell?

Holy balls.