The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 3, Episode 18 - Nature's Horchata - full transcript

A new problem arises for our survivors and they decide to take to the sea, when a couple of unexpected guests crash the party.

Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...

I hold here what are
probably Lewis's remains.

(drone buzzing)


It's a girl.

CAROL: What are you gonna call her?


Because it's the
dawn of a new day.

Oh, farts.

She's beautiful.

I know everyone says that, but she is.

(crying): She's an angel!


I think I might need to excuse myself.

- (baby cooing)
- Feeling a little queasy.

Not because of your
blood and goop, Erica.

(strained): That was beautiful.

But in a way, it does
make me feel the need

to puke and lie down.

Bye, Carol.

Okay, I'm supposed to check
her hearing and reflexes,

when you have a chance.

No, not letting go yet.

I don't like babies.

But she's a good one.

I'm gonna spoil her.

I don't care who knows it.

Guys, guys, I need all your
attention up here, please.

Uh, Erica had her baby,
you friggin' idiot.

Oh, great!

Oh, my God, oh, gorgeous baby, Erica.

- Tandy, that's the placenta.
- Oh, good.

'Cause it doesn't look
anything like you, yeah. Ew.

Okay, look, uh,

come with me, please.

- Uh, we're a little busy.
- This is super important.

What's more important
than a baby being born?


Oh, my God.

Tandy, are you absolutely
sure that's a nuclear meltdown?

Oh, maybe it's just a huge regular fire

coming directly out of the inside

of a frigging nuclear reactor.


Yeah, I-I'm pretty sure.

TODD: Yeah,

Lewis talked about this, he said...

bridges would start collapsing,

satellites would start
falling from the sky,

and, you know, this.

Ah, Lewis, a good man,
and so very, very wise.

Except when it came to
flying a plane, am I right?

MELISSA: But is it even safe

for us to be on the roof?
I mean, are we getting

radiation poisoning just being out here?

Oh, good point, Melissa, yeah.

Maybe we should all do one of these.

Hey, guys, remember
Jasper's here, all right?

Oh, yeah. Jasper, do
this if you want to live.

TODD: Tandy... GAIL: Okay,

what in God's name are we gonna do?

- Let's get the hell out of here.
- Where are we gonna go?

I don't know, just grab what we can

and drive away from that.

Good call. Gail, you tell
Erica, I'll tell Carol.

Okay, collars up, every second counts.

Move, move, move!

(CPAP machine whirring)

(whispering): Carol.

- (screams) My goldang gol!
- Care Bear,

it's just me, it's just me.

Oh, you got to tread lightly, Tandy.

You know I'm a paranoid napper.

I'm sorry, sorry.

Look, I-I got a little, uh...

How should I put this? Uh...

thing of interest, uh, to tell you.

Can I tell you something
interesting first?

Uh, uh, uh, yeah, sure, yes.

Did you know that I
used to be deathly afraid

of sliding out of long
booths in Mexican restaurants?

I did not know that
about you, Carol, no.

Until one day, a very talented therapist

took me to Casa Gallardo

and made me watch her slide
in and out of a long booth

with elegance and class.

And that's what happened
when I saw that birth.

That baby slid out of Erica
with elegance and class

just like Dr. Weem did
in that Mexican booth.

- Oh, oh.
- (sighs)

I just needed to see it go well once.

And I'm not afraid anymore.

We have created the perfect home.

And I can't imagine raising
our baby anywhere else.

Yeah, okay, well, uh,

as always, I commend you on that
whimsical, seemingly pointless

yet suddenly relevant
wind-up to what could've been

a really boring bit of
regular old information.

Well, I learned it from the best.




Wait, what were you gonna tell me?

Uh, uh, uh...

just a joke, you know?

Uh, why did the banker quit his job?

(squeals) Why?

'Cause he lost interest.

(laughs hysterically)

I'm peeing.

I peed a little.

Well, uh, why don't
you clean yourself up

and go back to sleep, huh?

Oh, no, it wasn't a toilet amount.


(vacuum running)

(vacuum stops)

Good-bye, dear friend.

I know I gave you a lot to deal with,

but you took it like a real toilet.

(soft chuckle)

(toilet flushes)


We had a lot of good times in here.

But like the dinosaur,

all good things must come to an end.

MELISSA (whispering):
Okay, let's go before

we all start to glow in the dark.

TODD (whispering): Come on, bud.

Wait, where's Carol?

She's sleeping.

GAIL: Well, go wake her ass up.

Don't worry, it's all taken care of.


Tandy. Tandy?

- What?
- The whole house is bouncing and jiggling.

I think we're having an earthquake.

(giggling): What?

I don't feel anything
but aggressive stability.

Issue resolved.

Now let's go back to
bed for a long time.

Oh. Oh! Oh.

Okay. All right.

- No, no, no, Carol! No, no, no, no!
- Okay, get in the door jamb!

Carol, no, don't, don't,
don't! No, no, no, no!



What in Bruce Almighty is happening?

Road trip!

What? I'm about to have a baby!

Exactly, so this is,
like, our last chance

to do something spur of the moment

before we become boring, old parents.

Tandy, turn this flipping house
around and take me the flip home

before I completely
lose my flipping crumbs!

I'll have to talk to Todd; he's driving.

Actually got the whole crew up there.

Got your medical equipment,

all your scrapbooks,

and basically all the stuff
that people could quickly grab.

Erica even brought her
new baby, which is fun.

Okay, Tandy, I'm gonna
ask you this one more time:

onto which what is going?

(laughing): Nothing.


Carol, we can't go back.

Why the gol not?


There's no easy way to say this.

So I'm gonna go ahead and sing it.

(chuckles softly)

♪ Have you ever had
a nuclear meltdown ♪

♪ Sitting right on your face? ♪

♪ So you load your sleeping
wife into a trailer bed ♪

♪ Haul her pregnant
ass from that place ♪

♪ Nuclear meltdown,
nuclear, nuclear meltdown ♪

♪ Is gonna melt away the
frigging skin from our bods ♪

♪ Nuclear meltdown,
nuclear, nuclear meltdown ♪

♪ Skin melting off of your body ♪

♪ Melted skin. ♪

Okay. Here comes the boob.

Here comes the boobie.

Oh, come on, work with me here.

How's it going back there, Erica?

ERICA: Super awesome.

You know what they say,

always wait till your
baby's 12 hours old

before racing away from
a nuclear dust cloud.

What's a nuclear dust cloud?


It's a, it's a ska band

I used to listen to back in the '90s.

It's a poisonous cloud
that gives you cancer

and slowly kills you.


Why didn't we bring the cow?

We didn't bring the cow.

GAIL: Oh, my God.

We forgot the freaking cow?

Come on.

We didn't bring the freaking cow!

- Damn it.
- ERICA: Oh, geez.

I would've brought the cow.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, we've been driving
around for, like, three hours.

Shouldn't we try and figure out
what the hell it is we're doing?

TANDY: Hey, guys.

I found an Army surplus
store and I hooked us up

with one of these little
bad boys. Now, Jasper,

this is what's called a Geiger counter,

or a Gizzy kizzy.

Okay? Now, if we're safe,
it doesn't make any noise.

But if we get into a dangerous

radioactive area, it
will start making a sound

like this...


Thought that would register.

So you guys, uh, find any info?

MELISSA: I-I found this book

about what would happen if
all civilization vanished.

And it says,

sooner or later, all these
nuclear reactors are gonna blow.

Ooh, what does it say we should do?

In the book we're all dead.

My book here says that we're good

outside of a hundred-mile
radius of a meltdown.

Well, just to be safe,
let's make it 102.


Well, okay, so when can
we go back to our building?

20,000 years.

Any wiggle room?

No wiggles, Carol.

Okay, I'm trying to be cool here,

but I just need to know
where I'm gonna have my baby.

TODD: Why don't we just...

move somewhere where there
are no nuclear plants?

I second that. Seconded, yeah.

That may be a bit of a problem.

Oh, my God.


Oh, gol, gol, gol.

Mexico looks pretty clear.

Yeah, there's only one down there,

but this book was written in 1998,

so who knows how many there are now?

What other choice do we have?

TODD: But those things are everywhere.

How the hell are we
gonna get down there?

All we have to do is get past
this little ring of nukes,

and if they haven't popped their tops,

I believe we're good to go.

And if there's any problem, we'll know.

Then I guess we're going to Mexico.

Well, as long as we're going to Mexico,

Melissa and I have a pitch.

(à la Andy Dufresne): There's a
little place on the Pacific Ocean.

You know what the Mexicans
say about the Pacific?

(à la Red): They say it has no memory.

That's where I want to
live the rest of my life.

A warm place with no memory.

- Zihuatanejo.
- Zihuatanejo.

Shawshank... Redemption.


Yeah, whatever. Let's
freaking jam this taco stand.


Come on. Here it is.

- (baby crying)
- There you go.

(laughing): Oh!

I'm so sorry, Erica.

God, I didn't know it
was chow time there, huh?

(chuckles) I will give you and
your breasts a little privacy.

Full respect in full effect.

You know what, Tandy, it's no big deal.

This is gonna be happening
a lot around here,

you might as well get used to it.

Good point, yeah, might as well, uh,

rip off the Band-Aid
and get on in there.

So, not latching on, huh?

Am I using the correct terminology?

Latching on?

You know what, a bit of
privacy might be good.

Oh, yeah... uh, respect.

Yeah, respect.

All right.

GAIL: Hey, Carol, relax.

When we get down there,

we are gonna get that
delivery room up and running.

And you got nothing to worry about.

That is a Gail Klosterman guarantee.

You hear me?

Thanks, Mom.

- Okay.
- TODD: Hey, guys!

Tijuana: 72 miles!

- (whooping)
- (horn honks)


(à la Red): I have to remind myself,

some birds aren't meant to be caged.

So get busy livin'...

- or get busy dyin'.
- Or get busy dying.

(horn honks)

It truly was a Shawshank redemption.

(quietly): Tom Hanks.

(Geiger counter ticking)

(ticking intensifies)

Oh, farts.

Well, we can't go
north, we can't go south,

east is like Nukeville U.S.A.

Guess we only have one option.

Oh, don't say it.

Los Angeles.

CAROL: Okay, so we're just gonna

drive back to a place
that we specifically left

because a crazy man
was trying to kill us?

Don't worry about Pat.

Who's Pat?

TODD: Uh, he's a purveyor

of ice cream, uh, brief incarcerant...

jean art enthusiast.

No, he's the guy that
tried to murder us.

Okay? And then Todd ran over him

with his car and then
squished out all his guts,

and then somehow the guy got
his guts squished all back in.

- (groans)
- And now he's still out there,

probably pretty pissed.

Look, we are gonna haul
ass out to that marina,

we're gonna hop on a boat,

and we're gonna get out on the ocean.

I mean, that's the only place

we can be sure there's
no radioactive schnizz.

Gail's right. It's our only move.

Does anyone know how to drive a boat?

(laughs) I have some
experience with, uh, boats...

Does anyone else know
how to drive a boat?

We are gonna be fine.

We're gonna hug the shore,

and we're zip down the coast

to Zihuatanejo.

We have got this.

TANDY: Come on. Let's do
this as quickly as possible.

Okay, it's clear, come on.

I got gas.

- I-I mean-mean, you know what I mean.
- Come on, let's go.

TANDY: Okay.

Hey, Care Bear.

I know this has been a big day,

so I set up a little
oasis for you in the house.

You know, I lit some
aromatherapy candles,

put on some Gregorian chants,
laid out a few butt plugs...

JK, but I did do the
candles and the butt plugs.

JK, it was the candles and the chants,

and that's my final answer. (chuckles)

Well, I appreciate it, Tandy,

but I think I just need to
walk around a little bit.

You okay?

Yeah. (chuckles)

Just a lot's coming down
on this pregnant lady.

Oh, come here.

I'm not gonna let anything
happen to you. Okay?

I promise.

That goes for you, too.

Thanks, Tandy.

(Gregorian chants playing)

(Dawn crying)

Why won't you eat?


Can I help you, Tandy?

Just checking in.

Still not taking the nub, huh?

(sighs) No, not yet.

Hey, do you mind if I have
a little word with her?


Hey, Dawn...

just do it. Huh?


Now try.

- TODD: All right, guys.
- Okay.

We're entering Los Angeles.

Quiet as a church mouse.

(whispering): Notoriously quiet mice.

So, are we gonna have some
sort of plan if we do see Pat?

Carol, don't worry, okay?

Pat is most likely dead.

And in the one-in-a-billion chance

that he's alive and in L.A.,

there's, like, zero chance
that he could ever find us.

(Gregorian chants playing)

It's a huge city,

and there's, like, thousands of streets.

So we're just gonna take

all the little, teeny, tiny streets

that nobody ever goes on,

and we're gonna hop on the
boat, and we're good to go.

(Gregorian chants playing)

We're one little RV.

We're like a needle in a haystack.

I'll take it one step further.

The needle is hay-colored.

And the haystack is made of needles.

I'm telling you,

there is no way that Pat
could ever find us. (chuckles)

(ice cream truck music plays)

GAIL: We're clear. Let's pick
a boat and start loading.

ERICA: What's that smell?

Ugh! Pickles on a picnic!

Uh, Carol. I-I-It's nobody's fault.

But our home. The baby's room.

Aw, it's okay, hon.

We're gonna help you make another one.

Yeah, Carol, a-all those things?

It's just stuff.

You know, the only thing that
really matters is right here.

The six of us.

There are eight of us.

Well, uh, you know,

a gentleman never counts
himself or his wife.

- Maybe we should go pick a boat.
- Yes. Yeah.

TANDY: Yes, we should.

Well, here's two solid candidates,

Ship Happens

and The Sea Word.

MELISSA: Hey, you guys can
take whatever boat you want,

but I'm taking this one.

Come on. No Boats about It?

It's like they didn't even try.

Get out of town.

Yeah. Finally got her.

Hmm. Hungry little sucker.

Making up for lost time, huh?

Oh, the miracle of nipples.

Nature's horchata.

Yeah, my mom told me it
took me a long time to latch,

but once I did, I
never let go. Ask Carol.

- Tandy.
- No, seriously, ask her.

Okay, we good?

Yeah, let's shove off.

Okay, first, I'd like
to make a little toast.

Uh, you know, I'd really
rather get going, bud.

Yeah, Tandy, we don't have time.

(scoffs) Americans. Hurry up and wait.

You feel me, Erica?

I don't.

(laughs) Here you go, Gail.


TANDY: Todd, Melissa.

Anyway, the word toast comes to mind

because America is now toast to us.

The cruel winds of
change and radioactivity

have pushed us to sea, and unlike Dawn,

who took a while to start sucking,

this group has sucked
from the very start...

from the teat of friendship.

Now, I'll keep this brief

'cause I know that
time is of the essence.

But, uh, I'd like to spend
five minutes per person

on what each of you mean to me.

Here, Todd, here's a timer.
Please don't let me go under.

GAIL: Tandy.

Let's go.

- Gail.
- (groans)

The moment I first
heard your Southern lilt,

I thought I had died and
gone to the plantizzy.

Equal parts class and sass,
the word "pert" jumps to mind.

(in Australian accent):
Dawn. Australian for "baby."

(chuckles) Like the first
light of the new day.

Or a dishwashing detergent

that cuts through grease like a knife.

But that's not a knife, this is a baby.

♪ Waltzing Matilda ♪

♪ Waltzing Matilda. ♪

Tandy, can we wrap this up?

Of course, Melissa. I'm done.

But at the same time,
I'm just getting started

because we're safe now.

And when it comes to the happiness

and well-being of this group,

I can 100%, absolutely, positively,

with absolutely no reservations,
assure you, positively...

(all gasping)

this is only the beginning.

PAT: Of the end.

Remember me?




Hi. I'm Pamela.