The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 9 - Secret Santa - full transcript

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

Phil, I'm having a friggin' baby!

You have a nice day, you hear?

TODD: Melissa and I just broke up.

Looks like it's just you and me, bud.

All right, everyone,

I ho-ho-hope you're in the holiday spirit.

As you can see, I've been doing
a little bit of decorating.

Not quite done yet.

Don't judge it.

Wait, there's gonna be more?



(laughing): Oh, yeah.

What you're looking at

is the decoration version of Bruce Banner.

But someone just made him very angry.

And over the next few days,

he's about to become the Christmas Hulk!

What do you think so far?

I think it's like Santa ate the
Rockefeller Christmas Tree

and then took a big dump on the walls.

Gail?

Thank you.

Of course, I didn't do it all by myself.

Christmas helper!

Who, me?



(all laughing)

♪ Oh, Tandybaum, oh, Tandybaum ♪

♪ How faithful are your branches. ♪

(chuckles) Merry Christmas.

Okay, who's ready for some Secret Santa?

Yeah! Come on.

All right, now, in this
Kris Kringle chapeau

is the name of everyone in the group.

So, draw a name, and under
absolutely no circumstances

are you to share it with anyone.

TANDY: Oh, hey, Phil!

Just in time. We're doing Secret Santa.

Want to come pick a name?

Um...

Okay, sure, yeah.

All right.

(Carol gasps)

All right, now commit the name to memory.

Roll up your papers.

Put 'em in your mouth and swallow it.

Seriously?

Did I stutter, Melissa?

Eat your goldarn papers!

It's just rice paper, guys.

It's no big deal.

Don't be babies about it.

Full disclosure... It wasn't rice paper.

- (groans) Carol!
- Of course.

All right, you guys, let's do this!

- Off and running.
- Whoever got me,

I'd like to request Jimmy Choo
thigh-high boots, size 6½.

And I would like that
stricken from the record.

Melissa, it's Secret Santa,
not Live-Out-Loud Santa.

Hey, billion-dollar spending limit, please!

And watch out for the strings outside!

That was, like, the literal version

of The Nightmare before Christmas.

Well, at least we have a little
undecorated oasis in here.

Wuh-oh, this room's looking a little naked!

Carol, enough is enough.

Even gorillas don't have
hair on their nipples.

Yeah, but I bet they wish they did.

(sighs)

Hey, everybody.

Gail, hey.

I was just gonna go shopping.

Oh, you're going shopping?

I was going shopping, too.
That's, that's so funny.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna go
someplace different.

Me, too.

Hey, you guys, you know,

I was thinking, in the spirit of Christmas,

maybe we should let Phil
move back into the house.

I mean, he seems like he's really sorry.

No, absolutely not.

Well, Gail, it's kind of
Erica's call, isn't it?

Fine, whatever.

Hot dog!

I'm gonna go tell him the news.

(jingling)

Yuletide greetings, braheem.

Ah, Santa's here early this year.

And he's got two huge lumps in
his big old Christmas sack.

Hi, Tandy.

So, gift number one...

Santa would like to formally invite you

to move back into the house.

- Oh.
- Yeah, that's right.

That's cool.

And gift number two... Stick out your hand.

What?

Come on, I want that hand stuck out

and I want it stuck out now.

What?

Really?

Hey, you dropped your Christmas present.

Oh, God...

Check this out... okay, hang on.

Hang on.

It's Erica's name.

I was a naughty little boy and
I didn't swallow my paper.

Don't tell Santa, okay?

But I want you to have it.

Okay.

Okay.

And, uh, whose name did you get?

- Yours.
- Aw!

I'm sure you would've gotten
me something very personal.

Hey, you know what?

The look on your face when
I gave you Erica's name?

That's all I need.

All right.

"Oh, thank you for your help, Tandy."

"Oh, no, no, no, no worries, Phil.

No, no, no, you don't
even have to thank me."

"Oh, no, no, Tandy I would never
dream of not thanking you."

You try to help someone.
He just doesn't get it.

Freakin' turd.

(chuckles)

I see you looking at me, Terry.

Yeah, judging me, right?

Think I'm a big disappointment, huh?

Big loser?

Well, you try it... Living
in a pod for three years

with nothing but a bunch of worms, huh?

Or-or you try watching
all your loved ones die

from 200 miles up in space.

How do you think that'd make you feel, huh?

Huh, Terry?

Hmm? What?

Nothing? You got nothing to say, huh?

Oh, no, of course not.

Of course not, no, that's right.

'Cause you're just a worm.

Just a stupid little useless worm,

who eats his own turds.

Yeah.

What the hell?

CAROL: I call it Frosty's lair.

It's where Frosty comes to think.

Do you love it?

It's just...

Thank you.

(chuckles) Now.

I've got a bone to pick with you.

Do you know why we do Secret Santa?

For the presents?

No, Melissa.

We do it for the surprises.

In Secret Santa, you can't
know what you're going to get.

Yes, it's scary.

And yes, it's reckless.

You are on a high wire act
without a net, sister.

And there's no sexy fireman
to catch you when you fall.

But you know what?

That's what makes you feel alive.

So, no jibber-jabber about who wants what

and who's getting this.

Not even with Todd.

Todd and I broke up.

What?!

Did lovemaking become a chore?

No, it just, it wasn't working out.

We want different things.

Come here, you little Vixen.

The reindeer, not the whore.

(both chuckle)

Oh, Carol, really, it's fine.

Thank you, though.

Honestly, I'm more worried about Todd.

Hey, everybody, look.

I'm not one for speeches.

I-I just want to say I'm grateful

to be back.

And-and there's one person

in particular I want to thank.

Uh, someone who never gave up on me.

Um, he had it rough with me.

'Cause I've been stubborn.

He deserves all the credit.

Because without him, I
wouldn't be here with you.

So, I-I just want to say thanks.

Thank you, God.

(laughs) Yes!

- Amen!
- Amen!

Praise his name!

Praise the Lord, yes!

♪ This little light of mine ♪

OTHERS: ♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

♪ This little light of mine ♪

(laughing)

♪ I'm gonna let it shine. ♪ (whoops)

(knocking) Phil? Hey, there.

Just wanted to say that was a great speech.

You know, truly inspiring, TED-quality.

Um, didn't know you were so into God.

Well, I, I am.

(laughs) Same here. Praise him.

But, y-you know, it's funny.

Because you mentioning God,

it kind of reminded me of that poem.

You know, about the footprints in the sand?

And for some reason,

that reminded me

of my footprints in the sand.

You know, the other night, when, uh,

I was, uh, dragging you

and, uh, saving your life and such.

What are you doing here, Tandy?

I'm here to save your life again.

Aah, what are you doing?!

You got to catch that!

It's the freaking Hope Diamond, dude.

Whoa.

Why don't you give that
little puppy to Erica?

Yeah, well, I already
have a present for her.

Trust me, she'll love this.
This will win her back.

Just, please, Phil,

Phil, please.

Fine.

Hey, thank you.

You're welcome.

"You're welcome"?

Oh, he friggin' flipped it on me.

(groans)

(sighs)

Terry?

I'm sorry for my behavior earlier.

That was...

(chuckles)

Oh, I was just in a bad place, man.

And I, I took it out on you.

And that's, that's not cool.

You deserve better than that.

You don't treat family that way.

Hell, you're the only family I got.

I love you, bud.

Hey?

(sighs)

CAROL: Secret Santa!

You all ready for gifts?

(humming "Get Ready for This" loudly)

What do you say

we start Secret Santa

down under?!

(clicks tongue) Erica, you're up.

Carol? (gasps)

I drew your name.

- No! Wow!
- Yeah.

(laughs) Cool.

Whoa, Erica!

A chair!

I love it!

It's just what I wanted!

Look at this... I can sit in it!

(humming)

And I can put things on it or in it!

(gasps) I know exactly
where I'm gonna put it.

In my sitting room.

It's not just any chair.

Shut the front door!

There's more to this chair?

This chair is from Oprah's studio audience!

No way!

Shut all the doors in the house, Erica!

Carol Pilbasian,

look under your chair...!

(screams) What is it?!

What is it?! Oh, my...

(panting)

(gasps)

It's J.lo's green dress.

It is J.lo's green dress!

I love it!

I know you do!

I'm gonna try it on. Okay.

Todd, you're up!

All right.

Okay, uh, my gift is for someone special.

Gail.

What, you know, not too
special, just normal special.

Uh, uh, scratch that.

Not special, really, at all.

Just, uh, human celery.

Uh, I'm getting off track here.

My gift's outside.

You know, whatever.

Todd!

You didn't... Is that
the actual ZZ Top car?

The Eliminator herself.

Oh, my God, I...

Well, put her there, bub.

Thank you, friend.

Bub, this was a wonderful transaction.

Thank you.

I love how Secret Santa puts
together the oddest pair

All right, Tandy, you're next...
Who'd you draw?

Carol, I drew myself.

What do you get the person

who has everything already, huh?

I can only think of one thing.

A friggin' yacht!

(all exclaiming)

I'd like to take a moment to
thank the previous owner,

the late Pitbull.

Rest in peace, my literal dog.

Boom.

So, we can have parties on there?

Well, it's gonna be kind of hard to do that

after I do this.

- (all gasp)
- (laughing)

Merry Christmas!

Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! (laughing)

Wait, where are you guys going?

Melissa, I had you.

(squeals)

Aw!

(singsongy): I wonder what these are.

(laughs)

You don't like them?

You know what, it's fine, because I got you

the regular pair, too, so...

No, no, I-I want these!

You do?

I love them.

Thank you, Carol.

I love you.

And I love these...

(laughing): crazy-ass boots.

I huffed so much glue to make those.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, I guess I'll go next then.

Todd, I had your name.

Oh.

I'll never forget the story you told
about your high school prom.

And how mean they were to you.

So I wanted you to get a do-over.

Because if anyone deserves
to be prom king, it's you.

Oh. (chuckling)

When did...?

Right?

- Go...
- Yeah.

It fits.

Scepter and crown.
That's great. That's... ah.

- Merry Christmas.
- No, yeah, merry Christmas.

Thank-Thanks, Melissa.

Thank you.

CAROL: Wow, that is a tough act to follow!

But if anyone can top it, it's Gail.

Oh, uh, I drew Phil.

CAROL: Amazing.

Let's see that gift!

Um, let's see.

I...

got you a wicker ball.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

CAROL: Well, you know,

sometimes the greatest gifts

are right under our noses the whole time.

Phil, you're up.

And I don't mean the continent! (Laughing)

(sighs)

Well, I guess it's no mystery who I got.

Erica, I drew your name.

Hope this one's not a bust.

That's a pre-boom.

You'll get it on the flippity.

Well, my gift is in the solar house, so...

I'd really like it if you
guys came and took a look.

This gift is a real gem.

Uh... never mind.

Well, I thought you might
want to see your baby.

Gail?

Will you help me?

Yeah, sure.

(machine beeping)

Oh, man, this is so exciting.

Well, there's your baby.

Yeah.

There it is.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, uh, Phil?

Don't you have anything else
to, uh, give to Erica there?

No, no, this is it.

(quietly): Friggin' piece of crap.

(chuckling)

I know, I know.

It was pretty amazing, huh?

Well, I mean, it's no Hope Diamond.

(laughs): What?

I gave him the friggin'

Hope Diamond to give to her!

That's a $350 million diamond, Carol.

He gives her this stupid
piece of medical equipment?

It's so cold and impersonal.
And I'll tell you this much.

I am done trying to help this turd.

I set him up for the victory
and he just tinkles on it.

- I'm so done with him. Just done, D...
- Hey, Tandy?

- You want to go get a drink?
- I'd love to! (chuckles)

Oh, let's get out of here.

Okay, yes, yes.

(chuckles)

♪ Heedless of the wind and weather ♪

♪ Fa la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la. ♪

Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

I have something I want to say.

You know, all this

Secret Santa stuff has
really kind of worked on me.

I'm like, I don't know,

feeling things.

Todd?

I know things haven't
been great between us.

We broke up because we're different.

You're warm.

And caring.

And you see the world through
rose-colored glasses.

And me, I'm...

I know I can be cold.

And negative.

And my glasses are basically crap-colored.

But that's what made me
fall in love with you.

You know, the first thing
we ever bonded over

was The Shawshank Redemption.

"Get busy living or get busy dying."

Busy dying, yeah.

And I've come to realize that

the only time I ever really
feel like I'm living

is when I'm with you.

So...

I'm just gonna come right out and do this.

CAROL: Oh, my "G"!

Todd, will you marry me?

(groaning) Oh, my God!

Phil?!

- Phil?
- Phil?

TANDY: Phil?

- Oh, my God!
- Phil?

Oh, Phil, Phil, what is it?

Captain Mike Miller,

signing off.

FEMALE VOICE: Air lock engaging

in ten, nine,

eight, seven,

six, five,

four...

- Oh, my God!
- Three,

- Oh, my God.
- Two,

- one.
- Abort.

Abort failed.