The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 8 - No Bull - full transcript

Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...

MIKE: Looks like
it's just you and me, bud.

I'm the father of her child.
Not anymore.

Everybody's life got worse
the day they met you.

I guess we can't
trust each other.
I guess not.

Where were you?

Oh, farts.

Oh, hi, Phil's penis.

Out helping Phil.

Tandy!

(snoring)



(grunts)

Get away from me!

But you... Come on.

Get away from
me, Tandy!

I'm just trying to get you
ready for your big unveiling.

I know what you're
going through right now.
(cow bellows)

You're disoriented,
you're angry...

Damn right, I'm angry!

But you did the right thing

by getting drunk enough to let
me get you into these stocks.

And that's really
gonna score

a bunch of points
with the group, okay?

You ready?
(cow bellows)

Okay, this is
a big moment.
What?



Here we go.
(shouts)
(pot clanging)

Hey, everyone,
come out here!

Get me out of here.

Some really
exciting stuff!

PHIL 2:
Stop it!

TANDY: Phil somehow
put himself in the stocks!

No, I didn't!
It's amazing, right?

What do you mean,
no, you didn't? Yeah, you did.

You're in there right now.
I clearly didn't do it.

What... I'm holding a pot
and something in this hand.

I couldn't have done it.

Wow, we are really
using these things

on a weekly basis now.

If you ask me,
it's too little, too late.

Or do you mean
the exact right amount

at the exact
right time? Hmm?

Erica, Erica,
what do you think, huh?

Pretty cool.
(cow bellowing)

What the goll dang is
up with that cow, huh?

TODD: Oh, my goodness,
guys, get out here!

You got to see this!

No, the show's
in the atrium!

Come on!

Ugh, God.

Okay, I need to go
see what the hell's

going on out there.

Oh, my...
Wow.
Whoa.

(moos)

Holy cow.

Boom.

Hey, little guy or gal.

Not sure what you are,
but you are cute.

Oh, you're a guy. Okay.

Can tell by the...
the penis. Yeah.

Did you guys hear those
noises she was making?

It s-sounded like
she saw the devil.

Yeah, well, she was going
through excruciating pain,

what with the tearing
and the ripping,

and cows don't have doctors
to sew them up.

(clicks tongue)
Oh, I guess we don't either.

Guys, you know what this means?

I mean, there must be
a bull around.

Hey, yeah. Remember when
we first moved in here,

and she'd keep sneaking out
in the middle of the night?

Ah, she was just going off
to do a little

"wham, bam, thank you,
livestock," weren't you?

You little hussy.
TODD: We got to find this bull.

I mean, if we can
get them to mate...

Oh, my God, you are obsessed

with everyone having
more and more babies!

What? I'm talking about
milk, Melissa. Geez!

For those of you who aren't
gonna jump down my throat every

time I say something, how about
we go out looking for the bull?

TANDY: Sounds like a pretty
good idea, sure.
(others agree)

Uh, all right, let's
meet up in about an hour.

That'll give me some time
to gather some gear,

collect some cow urine.

Got to stay hydrated.

Uh, no, bulls are
attracted to cow urine.

Kinky badinky.

(bellows)

TODD: All right,
let's do this, huh?

All right.
Come on.

Those sounds.

Yeah, that's the ripping.

(clicks tongue)
Lucky duck.

TANDY:
Hey, bud.

You are not gonna
believe this.

The cow had a
friggin' calf.

Yeah, a little boy.

You can tell
by the penis.

Oh, cutest thing
you've ever seen.

Uh, the calf,
not the penis.

(chuckles) I mean, it was
a fine-looking penis.

Why do you keep asking me
about this calf's penis?

(chuckles)
Dirty mind.

They don't care
that I'm in here.

So just let me out.

Uh, sure, the calf stole
the headline today.

Okay, but soon that
buzz will wear off,

and they'll focus
on you in here.

Nobody cares about me.

Hey, like it or not,
we're a family.

And you never
give up on family.

Took me a long time
to learn that.

And one of these days,
you're gonna learn that, too.

Uh, Tandy.

Tandy, you're right.

I'm right?

Come-come back.

I've been...
I've been bullheaded.

I think I've been letting
our past cloud my judgment.

I got to pay my dues.

Hey, I am so friggin'
proud of you right now.

But, look, if you
really want to help me,

(whispers): let me out of here
so I can find that bull.

Think about how excited
everyone would be.

I mean, that would be
a pretty baller move.

Right!

And, look, once I find it,

I come right back,
put myself back in the stocks.

I don't know. I mean...

It's like you said,
we're family.

MIKE:
All right.

Just a few more
twisty-turnies here,

and you and I will be
in the shortwave radio business.

You don't think
it's gonna work, do you?

Hey, look, this is
our best shot at connecting

with another living person
out there, okay?

It's better than
any of our other ideas,

like, uh, the telescope

or-or bouncing the laser pointer
off the Taj Mahal.

Or your idea of just
flicking the lights off and on

till someone notices.

That-that was not my...

Not my idea, mm-mm.

No, nice try.

Friggin' worm.

Hello.

(radio static hissing)

This is Commander Mike Miller

from the International
Space Station.

Anybody out there?

Hey, Gail, we're all...

Oh! Oh!
Oh, God, I'm sorry!

Uh...
I'm-I'm sorry.

We're all gathering
in the kitchen.
I'm not...
No, I'm coming.

I'm... I mean...
For-for... for the
whole... the bull thing.

Yeah, no, the bull.
We're just in the kitchen.

I just... a little
CPR refresher, okay?

Yeah, right.
You take your time.
I'll be there in a second.

C-Copy that. Yep.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Crap!

Okay, in a moment,
we will be embarking

on perhaps the most important
mission of our brave new world.

Okay? Finding this bull

is our "One giant leap
for mankind."

Finding this bull
is our "I have a dream."

Finding this bull

is our "Where's the beef?"

Literally.

Can you get
to the point, Tandy?

I can get to the point,
I can get to the set,

I can get to the whole
freakin' match, Melissa.

Let's let Phil
out of these stocks

to help us search for this bull.

Is that what this
is all about?

This is about way
more than that.

This is about team.

Hey, team, take a knee.

Yeah, I called us a team. Why?

'Cause we are one.

Webster's Dictionary
defines the word "team"

as "Together Everyone
Achieves More."

So let's let Phil
out of these stocks.

'Cause at the end of the day,
there's no I in "team,"

but there is one
in "find," okay?

There's a T in Todd and Tandy;
there's an E in Erica;

there's an A in Andrew,
Carol's middle name;

and there is an M
in Melissa and Miller--

my last name,
his last name, okay?

There's no G for Gail.

But that's because,
as the oldest...

uh, non-youngest
member of our group,

she's our coach.

Every team needs
a grizzled coach,

and there's a G in "grizzled"
and there's a G in Gail.

So let's tear down these stocks,
Mr. Gorbachev.

Okay?

And let's go find
that mother-friggin' bull.

If we say yes,
will you stop talking?

Yes.

Fine, do it.

(whoops)

TANDY:
Good news.

They agreed to
let you out.

I knew I could count on you.

Oh, God, I'm so
excited about this.

I never thought we'd be on
the same page with something.

But, heck, here we are in
lockstep with each other.

I won't even be surprised
if at some point

we started finishing
each other's...

(pitch rising)

s... sentences.

Yeah.
Mm.

We'll get there one day.

Or our names aren't...

Phil Miller.
...Phil Miller.

Yeah.
Yeah.

(chuckles)

(grunts)
Out you go.

"Out, damned spot!"

It's a Shakespeare...
reference.

Where you going?

Oh, look at you, real
man on a mission.

Got that eye
of the tiger.

Love it.

So, uh, where you want
to start looking?

I'll start with Canada.

Canada? Oh, you're gonna start
there and work your way back?

Bye, Tandy.

Tell everyone they won't have
to worry about me anymore.

'Cause I'm out of here.

Wait, what about all the
stuff you said in the stocks?

You're just
gonna leave us?

We're your family.

You know,
I don't have a family.

Didn't you learn
anything from the virus?

We're all alone.

(engine starts)

TANDY:
Oh, farts.

TODD:
Hey, look. (chuckles)

Hey, whoa, Todd...

Wait, what?

Uh, no, no. Oh, God.

Uh, hey, I was gonna say,
"Hey, look, it's Gail."

I'm sorry, I bet you thought
I was gonna say...

Oh, yeah, I-I thought
you were gonna say,

"Hey, look, there's
the bull."
No, I know.

I-I was... I was...
I was gonna say,

"Hey, uh... hey,
look, it's Gail."

Probably should've just said,

uh, hello.
Hi, or...

Oh, yes, or hi.
Hello.

Yes. Yeah.
You could have said hello.

(clears throat)

Boy, it's a hot one,
isn't it?
Did you see anything?

Yeah.

Okay, I'm just gonna come on
out and tell you what you saw.

I took a CPR dummy,

and I dressed it up
to look like Gordon,

and I talk to it, and I
do other stuff with it,

and we're probably gonna
need a new CPR dummy.

Yep, that's what
I thought I saw.

And I know it's nuts.

But it just helps me.

You know?

'Cause I just miss
Gordon so dang much.

I totally understand.

You're so lucky
to have Melissa.

Well, I don't know
if I do.

It's been a bit
of a mess lately.

We're just... I don't know.

Well, hon, relationships
are always a roller coaster.

You just... if you love her,
you just got to make it work.

'Cause it is such a
blessing in this world

if you have a partner,
someone you can talk to,

someone who gets you.

'Cause without that, life is
just a big bunch of nothing.

(sighs)

♪ ♪

Carol, did you pack
unsweetened lemonade in here?

Nope.

That's what I thought,
yeah, yeah.

CAROL:
Oh.

Okay, you guys.

Have some big news.

First of all, this is not
unsweetened lemonade, okay?

Uh, if we could just be

a little more, uh,
conscious of labeling things.

You know.

Piece of tape, "urine."

That's all I'm saying.

Second of all--
and this is

kind of the main thing-- um...

Phil did not go out
searching for the bull.

You know, I let him
out of the stocks,

and he just drove off.

ERICA:
So h-he's

just, like, gone gone?

D-Did he say anything?

Yeah, he said
to tell all you guys

that you don't have to worry
about him anymore.

I mean, he said
it more like,

(imitating Phil 2): "Tell them
they don't have to worry

"about him,
I mean, me anymore...

Tandy."

So, uh, back on
the search again.

(clears throat)

Hey, hey!

Look, we got supplies.

We got maps.

Uh, we got walkies
and, uh, unlabeled cow urine.

You know, you know,
why don't we put a-a pin

in this bull search
and, uh, and go find Phil, huh?

So we're not even
gonna look for him?

We're just gonna
let him be alone?

MIKE: Hello, this is
Commander Mike Miller,

broadcasting from
the International Space Station.

(radio static hissing)

This is Commander Mike Miller,

broadcasting from
the International Space Station.

MAN (distorted):
Hello.

Oh, my God.

Hello!
Hello, this is Mike Miller!

(distorted):
Hello!

H-Hold on,
I-I'm refining the signal.

Just hold on one second.

Terry, there's someone else
out there! We're not alone!

We're not alone!

(distorted):
Mike Miller... Hello.

Yes, yeah, that's me!

I'm Mike Miller! Yes, hello!

(distorted): H-Hold on,
I-I'm refining the signal.

Yes, yeah, that's me!
I'm Mike Miller! Yes, hello!

Hello, this is Mike Miller.

Terry, there's someone else
out there! We're not alone!

We're not alone!

Hello, this is Mike Miller.

H-Hold on,
I-I'm refining the signal.

...yeah, that's me!
I'm Mike Miller!

Yes, hello! We're not alone!

(grunting)

(sobbing)

Oh, farts.

Oh, it's the famous bull hunter.

Any luck with
the bull?

Obviously not.

Don't you think
I would've told you?

I don't know what you will
and won't tell me anymore.

Okay, you know what?
That's it.

We need to talk about this.

Oh, fun! So after walking
around in the heat all day,

you want to go
fry up some bacon

and gab about our
relationship some more?

What is going on here, Melissa?

I mean, I'm obviously
not making you happy.

And, you know, you're not...

you know.

What?

Nothing. Let's just...

Just say it.

I'm not making you happy.

No, I just...

Uh...

I don't know,
maybe it's just time...

we take a little break.

No, Todd, I think maybe
it's time we take a big break.

(knocking)

Come on in.

Hey.

Hey.

I hope I'm not
disturbing you and Gordon.

Oh, no, we're taking a breather.

(crying):
Melissa and I just broke up.

Oh.

Todd.

Hey.

I'm so sorry.

Aw.

You look like a man
who could use a drink.

That sounds great.
Okay.

(sighs)

You know, maybe it was

for the best. I don't know.

We were just...
We kept fighting all the time.

And it was just...
getting really heavy.

God, I know how that is.

Do you remember how much
Gordon and I fought

when we first met?

It was like
cats and dogs.

Yeah, I mean,

I'll never forget that time

he stood up on the table
and peed in your wine.

You threw it in his eyes.

Aw, yeah.

(crying):
I miss her so much already.

Oh... hey.

Come in here.

I'm sorry.

Aw. You know what?

You are gonna be okay.
Thanks, Gail.

You really are.
I just wonder,
you know, if it is.

It's gonna be all right.
Don't wonder, no.

Because, you know, you just,
it's so seldom that you meet

somebody that you really like.
You will. You're gonna
be all right.

Nobody ever knows these
things, but I swear,

it just takes time.
But I guess it just
all takes some time.

(loud thump, all gasp)

(clears throat)

Good morning, Vietnam.

You know, this morning
when I watched Phil

drive out of here
and head for Canada,

I thought he was crazy.

I mean, why would anyone choose
to be alone, when they could

live in a world
with people?

That's what Phil chose to do.

(loud thump)

'Cause the way
we were treating him,

that alternative seemed better
than sticking around here.

Maybe you guys don't remember
what it felt like out there.

(thump)
How lonely,

how sad, how pointless life was.

Well, I remember.

(loud thump)

'Cause I almost had
to go back to that.

But somehow,
I got a second chance.

(loud thump)

Look, I deserve
everything I got, you know?

And in a way,

Phil does, too.

Okay? He's not perfect.

But who among us is?

(loud thump)

There's an old expression,
uh, that says,

"Let he who is without sin

cast the first stone
in a glass house."

Okay, I don't need
another Tandy talk.

Okay, Melissa, why don't
we start with you, then, huh?

This is a woman

who strongly and forcefully
tried to hit on a married man.

That's me.

I absolutely did not.
You did.

You told me you were horny,
and that is a solid hit-on.

And, look, Carol,
you are fully justified

to throw that rock
at her horny little head,

but here's
why you won't.

'Cause you lied
to this entire group

about me being dead.

Why are you bringing that up?!

Just proving the point

that none of us
are without sin, okay?

Bacon, teen pregnancy.

I'm 25.

Wait, you're judging Erica
for getting pregnant?

No, the exact opposite!

And I'm gonna
not-judge you next, okay?

'Cause I know
what you did, Gail.

And there are some people
at this table

who are not gonna be
very happy with it.

'Cause I know that you...

barfed in the humidor.

I did not.

Gail, it was tortilla chips
and Chardonnay!

I did not knowingly
barf in the humidor.

Gail, you got to clean that up.
What?!

This comes from the girl who's
never once done the dishes?

Whatever. I throw them
out the window. Who cares?

Well, I think maybe
you should start caring

a little bit more
about a few things.

What are you getting at, Gail?
Okay, you know what,
let's just...

You know what?
What? What? Calm down?
Yes!

People fight!

That's life. Grow a pair.

All right, lines are
getting crossed here.

Why is it that you think
you're the one

to draw the line all the time?

Guess what, Erica,
you're not special, okay?

You're just pregnant!

No, don't say "pregnant"
'cause Melissa might flip out!

Screw you, Todd.
See, out the window.

What do you know
about anything anyway?

You're drunk by 10:00 a.m.

How dare you?

I wake up at 11:00!

(all shouting over each other)

TODD: Look at who started
the whole damn thing!

You just like to fight!
You're the one

that's always yelling
back and forth...

(all scream)

GAIL:
Friggin' idiot.

Unbelievable.

♪ ♪

(hooves clopping)

(bull snorting)

(snorting)

(bellows)

(bull groans)

(thud)

Well, uh, I brought
the bull back.

Was that too
many tranqs?

TANDY:
Eh, he'll be fine.

(clears throat)

Hey, everybody.

Can you give me a hand?

What do you need?

Well, I said
I was gonna go find the bull,

then come back
and get in the stocks.

So help me get in the stocks.

I thought you were
lying about all that stuff.

I was.

Now help me get in the stocks.

No, no, no, no, no.

Just sit down.

Eat with us.

Are you sure?

TODD:
Yeah.

It looks good.

Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.

♪ ♪

(gas hissing quietly)

♪ Just a perfect day ♪

♪ Feed animals in the zoo ♪

♪ Then later a movie, too ♪

♪ And then home ♪

♪ Oh, it's such a perfect day ♪

♪ I'm glad I spent it with you ♪

♪ Oh, such a perfect day ♪

♪ You just keep me hanging on ♪

♪ You just keep me hanging on ♪

♪ You're going to reap
just what you sow ♪

♪ You're going to reap... ♪

CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.

(horn honking)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH